Why Do I Feel So Lonely Even Though I’m Married? | 53

In the measure that you give to your person what your heart desires, you not only attract him, you know, like model for him how to treat you, but you also start doing that with yourself. I asked my friend ChatGPT to tell me what's the question that most people ask about relationships. Like, what are they wondering? And it said that by far the question that most people have, and maybe it's the question that you have as well, is, why do I feel so lonely even though I'm married? And maybe you can add, even though I love my spouse, even though I know my spouse loves me. And I think this happens when we're well into the marriage, when you have kids, when logistics take over, routines, all these sports and extracurricular activities, when we're Ubers, when, when we assume all these roles in the home other than partner. And, you know, you're in the same home and you feel like you're together, you're all together, but you're not connected. You talk logistics, but you don't talk about longings, about dreams, about desires. You look at each other, but you feel unseen. That doesn't necessarily mean you don't feel loved, but the in-love spark, it fades away. And I will mention real quickly that it is important to know that you fall in and out of love from, like, of your spouse multiple times in your marriage. You fall in and out of love. So that's normal. That's not like a verdict, like, that's it, we're doomed.. But that's another story for another day. Now, you feel that you have stopped sharing parts of yourself with your partner. And maybe, maybe he has some hobbies, she has some friends and hobbies, and, and you feel like they prioritize work, friends, hobbies, everything, TV, over us, over the relationship, over that oneness. That you said I do one day to create. And I want to tell you today that if you in any way are feeling a little lonely or disconnected, first of all, you're clearly not alone because it's the question that's most asked on ChatGPT. And second of all, that is not a destination. It's not a verdict. It's not over. It's not the end. It's information. And it is a sign for you to pay attention to your relationship. Let me tell you what loneliness is not. Loneliness is not a sign that you married the wrong person. It is not failure. It is not failure in your relationship. It is not failure of faith. It is not failure of your values. It's not ingratitude. You know, he's here, she's here, but I still feel this way. Like, is it wrong that I'm wanting more? You can always desire more. And many times sometimes those desires are placed in your heart by God Himself, you can want more and still be grateful for what is as is. It is possible to experience both. And loneliness is also not proof that something is wrong with you. You're too needy. You want too much. You're not lovable. You're not worthy of it. Mm-mm. None of that is true about this feeling of loneliness that you're experiencing. So having explained what it's not, what is it? What is it? Why am I feeling lonely? I believe, my friend, that the reason you're feeling lonely is because you stopped being intentional about your relationship. And when I say we, I mean the both of you or one of you. It could be either or. Quick interruption to invite you to reignite the spark in your marriage. If your relationship has gone a little dull and you've been consumed by routine and busyness and kids and logistics and all the things, and you're ready to feel deeply connected to your spouse again and to feel not the butterflies but the fireworks, I got you. Go to reignitemarriage.com and meet me for just 1 month and leave equipped to build the fulfilling relationship that you said "I do" to. And by the way, it's only $397 for the entire month. I have never ever offered such an inexpensive program, but I felt guided to do so this time because I want to make sure I help you bless your marriage. Now back to the episode. Now, what does it mean to be intentional in your relationship? Well, research shows that when we meet someone for the first time, we are infatuated from anywhere from 2 months to 2 years is how long that infatuation lasts. Like those butterflies in your tummy and like the excitement of like, oh my gosh, like they can do no wrong and you love them so much and you can talk to them for hours and you're not tired of seeing them every day. Is that person's perfect. Like, those butterflies, that infatuation lasts anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. And I remember when I first met my husband, I was in Puerto Rico and he was in Miami, and we would be on the phone until 3 in the morning, like super late. Now, I'm a night owl, so I was okay with that. It wasn't a big deal for me. But he's an early bird. Like, he does not function too much at night. And I remember he would tell me, Like, wow, I can't believe I'm awake at this time. And he would say, like, you're my caffeine. And I'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm his caffeine. Let's go. I was super, super, super excited and moved by that comment. But I didn't really understand it until I married the guy because I'm his Benadryl right now. Like, I'll start talking to him at night and he'll literally start snoring on me. Like, I bore the heck out of him at night, apparently. But it's because he's really a morning person. At night, he cannot function. He doesn't understand. You don't talk to him at night. He doesn't process the same way. So I was his caffeine back then because he had that infatuation. And what happens in the brain when you are naturally infatuated for those 2 months to 2 years is the same exact thing that happens when you're drunk or high. Like, the same neurotransmitters that are being released when you are high or drunk are what are the— are the ones that are being released when you are in love, infatuated naturally at the beginning of your relationship. Now, naturally, because we cannot be drunk or high forever, it's just not sustainable. Then a time comes where you got to crash. And that's when you start seeing your person as imperfect. Like, oh my gosh, like, what? They fart? What the heck? And they're like, they were picking the nose. And what's up with that? Like those overflowing muffins. And, you know, like we start seeing the imperfections in our person or the things that they say, they wear, they do. And And then it's then that love grows. So love is like the real deal, the deep experience, emotion, and choice, because love is a decision according to Mother Teresa. It is the decision of love that is born once infatuation fades away. When it's— because it can be sustained naturally, physically, physiologically, then then we get to be intentional about choosing that person, choosing the imperfections. And being intentional is what continues to nurture the love, which is the deeper emotion, the deeper feeling. But it is also what brings back the spark, what brings back those— forget butterflies. Because when you work on something, as is the case when you're intentional about bringing back the infatuation into your relationship, It's not butterflies in your tummy. It's fireworks, like the Disney kind of fireworks, the ones that feel like glorious. They're like, oh, you almost can't bear them from how delicious they are. And my friend, I've been married 20 years, together 22, and I have those fireworks inside of me that want to explode every single day of my life. I wake up, and when I look at my husband, I'm in awe. I always have the same thought, "I must have done something right, God." Like, I feel so blessed to be married to this man. And then when I go to sleep, I sometimes can't go to sleep because I'm so excited about my life, and my life starts with the person who's sleeping next to me. So being connected, feeling connected, experiencing the intimacy of your relationship will change your life forever, will change the spark that you experience on a daily basis, will transform the joy that you feel every moment of every day. Like, I always say, like, man, like, God is my number one, but my husband is a close second. When your husband is the face of Christ in your life, when your husband is the person that brings you the most joy, that helps you become better, that sharpens your saw, that like by just witnessing him or her, you feel inspired to become a better person. When you have that kind of relationship and connection, Life is good. And honestly, I've always attributed my rising above my grief of losing my daughter, Fofi, to God and to my husband. Having him in my life, being able to share this with him, and knowing that he's here to stay in the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health, like knowing that for sure in my core, through the connection that we have intentionally built, is— just makes life so much better. So you have a right to feel lonely and know that that's not what you want for your life. So how do we fix that? Here's how, my friend. We become intentional. And what that means is you— we talked about intention in a previous episode that I'm going to put in the show notes and right here on the screen. But in addition to what you're going to learn in that episode, you are going to set the intention of nurturing your marriage. And you begin by deciding that every single day of your life, you're going to do something to spark those fireworks, to spark the infatuation, to bring it back. And maybe it's you wake up in the morning and you go give your partner a big hug and a kiss, no words, just in case he or she is not a morning person. And also because there's something about silence in connection, right? Like when you're making love to your person and there's silence, maybe— Maybe there are sounds that come from you, but there are no words. And it's in that connection, physical connection, that you experience the deepest intimacy. When you go kiss your spouse first thing in the morning, if you're the first one, then you wait for your spouse to wake up. But if you're the second one who wakes up, then you go straight to him or her, first thing that you do. And silently hug for a few seconds and kiss your person. That is something that you can do. It's so simple, something you can do to build intimacy. Or maybe when your person comes home from work, and as soon as they open the door, you rush to the door and you do the same thing. You hug and kiss them and you smile and you don't, you don't ask questions. You don't tell them what's happening with your life and the kids and the problems and the issues. Please let them get home first. Just quietly. And then at night, we do the same thing, but at night you add a prayer. You pray with your person at night. They say that a family that prays together stays together. And the same is true for our relationship. When you pray at night with your spouse, you are not just talking to God, you are talking to your spouse. Through your conversation with God. So sometimes when I'm praying, usually he prays one night, I pray another night. And when I'm praying, I'm like, thank you, God, for my husband who did this and who did that, and I'm so grateful for him. And instead of like thanking him again for the thing that he did that meant so much to me, I thank God, and he gets to witness that. So when you're praying together, you are witnessing each other's hearts and desires and longings and gratitude and all the things. Many times I find out about what he's thinking about during our prayer, like, or the things that he's worried about. Like, he prays about someone who is sick, about someone he wants to forgive, or something he's had in his heart. Like this, you know, there's so many tragedies that happen in our lives. Like, you know, a few weeks ago we experienced tragedy in Venezuela, and that was something we couldn't stop thinking about. So So it would come up in prayer. So there's an opportunity for you to witness your person as you connect with God and keep Him in the center of your life. Like, it's like, what? It's such a small but profound and powerful practice. So being intentional is about making small rituals that you consistently do in your life, in your relationship, that let your spouse know, I'm here, you're my priority, you matter. You know, I don't get home and go straight to the TV, I go straight to you. Or I don't stay cooking or doing the dishes when you get home, I run to the door to receive you. Those are like little things that let our spouse know that we prioritize them, and we can ask them to do the same thing for ourselves. We can have a conversation where we're— where we share. I know that I'm Puerto Rican. I love my intimacy. I never have a headache. You know, they say women have headaches when the men want to be intimate. Never my case. I never have a headache. I love my intimacy time. And when we get super busy and it's been a few days and— or like maybe it's been a week, I feel it. And I feel it. I must be the guy in my relationship because I'm like, what the heck? Like, ah, like I feel like irritable and easily annoyed. And I don't like him too much. And I notice that I don't know, I'm different. So I feel lonely. I feel disconnected. Like that's one of, you know, physical touch is part of my love language. So when that happens, I'll have a conversation. I'll be like, Hi, I feel so disconnected from you. Can we make an appointment? Well, I do say that sometimes to mess with him. But you can ask. It's okay to ask for what you desire. And when you say with love, not with judgment, like, oh, we're disconnected because you haven't made time for me and you haven't taken me out on a date and you've never brought me flowers. And when was the last time you touched me? When was the last time you said I love you or you looked at me in the eye? You don't do that. You don't say it like that. You say like, I miss you. I miss you, babe. I miss you. I want to be with you. I feel like it's been a minute since we've created some space for us. Like, do you think we can maybe set aside some time where we can be intentional about this? And you decide what that's going to look like. Is it intimacy in the bedroom? Is it watching a show together? Is it going for a walk around the neighborhood after dinner? Even if it's in silence, so that you can create a space for deep conversations or deep connection. It doesn't have to include words. When my husband and I walk around the neighborhood, many times we're just quiet and it's beautiful. And then that silence usually leads to deep thoughts that we would have otherwise not engaged in. But by leaving that space, it just, it sparks in our minds, in our hearts, and we're able to share it. So let's sum this up. Number 1, set the intention that you will prioritize your marriage. That doesn't mean that you're not gonna be a good parent, that you're not gonna be fulfilling your responsibilities at work or at home. But when you set the intention that you are going to prioritize your relationship, then you're able to create pockets of moments in your day that allow you to purposefully and willfully engage in little rituals, little gestures that will slowly, quietly, and beautifully reconnect you with your spouse. Because that's what happened in the first place. You slowly, quietly, and not so beautifully disconnected. You disconnected in the same manner. So we're going to use the same approach, but with intention. Because if we let life take care of it, forget it. There's no time. This society, like, there's no time. We're too busy. But when you set— you make sure that the first thing that you do every morning is go to your spouse, love on him or her. —And then when he or she comes home from work, you do the same thing. And then when you go to sleep, even if you are not going to sleep at the same time, you go to the bedroom to make sure that you pray together and you have that moment. And you go for walks, and you set up a date night, and you cook for your person, and put some candles. And if you do not drink, you could even put in a glass of wine. This is what we do. You put some sparkling water and raspberries or strawberries, and it looks fancy and cute, and you light a candle, and you had a date in your dining room. It could be that easy. So be intentional about every single day engaging in these daily rituals, which is a way of saying "I do" every single day, as opposed to that one day with the wedding dress and the party. You get to say "I do" every day. And you get to set the priority, the intention of your spouse being the most important person in the universe. Because I believe, I believe that's how it should be. Your kids are a product of your love. So nurturing your love is important for you as a couple, and it's important for your children. My husband always says that the greatest gift his parents gave him is for him to never have to worry about divorce or separation or anything, for him to— and for him to know what love looks like so that he could then make the right choice. Of course, he succeeded. He chose me. Make the right choice when he was gonna choose his partner, right? Like, so if you're not doing it for your relationship, do it for your kids. If that's what moves you, do it for your kids and then stay in it. For your person, for your spouse. So number 1, set the intention. Number 2, engage in these daily practices. And number 3, my friend, sustain it. Be consistent, persevere, push through. This is not something that if you try a few times and it didn't work, then whatever. But I promise you that when you Sit with your person, you talk about this, and, you know, hopefully when you talk about this, you're both working towards the same goal, but that's not always the case, and that's okay. Then you lead by example by persevering through it. And leading by example means that you are doing and giving and sharing with your spouse what you wish he or she would do with you. And by you doing that, and by it feeling good for him or her, 'cause, you know, it feels really good to be on the receiving end then you model, and eventually it just becomes contagious, and they jump on board. They accompany, they join you in this journey. So number 1, set the intention, prioritize, make this person the most important person in the universe. Number 2, engage in little practices every day. Number 3, lead by example. If what you know— if you know that what makes your spouse happy is for you to not bother him, don't bother him. If it's If it, you know, because sometimes we think it's adding things, but oftentimes it's removing what bothers them. And then lastly, get feedback. Don't just do this thinking you're— everything's going to work out. Like, get feedback from your person. How do you feel more supported lately? Do you feel that I've done a better job about not being so controlling? Do you feel I'm less annoying these days? Do you feel I'm prioritizing you? Do you feel more loved and respected by me? Have you noticed that I haven't been raising my tone of voice as much and I've been intentional about preserving the peace at home instead of screaming at the kids all the time? Like, get feedback to see where you're at and what you're missing and what's working. Because many times we do a whole bunch of things and all we need is a couple. Because the whole bunch of things is not in the language that our spouse can understand it. It's not in their love language. It's not how they feel loved. So, you know, my husband, his love language is acts of service. So maybe I'm telling him how amazing he is every day and I'm saying sweet things. He is not a words of affirmation love language kind of guy. So I can tell him 'tuan blue in the face how amazing he is, and he's not gonna feel as loved as if I cooked a healthy, delicious meal for him that he enjoys, or as if I kept the home picked up and clean, Or maybe I did a project in the house and picked up the garage. Like, all those things make him feel super loved. Or maybe he needed to take the clothes to the dry clean and I offered to do that. Those things make him feel more loved than any words I can ever say. So getting feedback will help you get to know your spouse better, and it'll also allow you to know what to tweak. In your approach to being intentional about prioritizing your marriage and your relationship. And I know we started this conversation by talking about how you felt lonely. And here I am telling you what to do so that your spouse doesn't feel lonely. And I'm being very intentional about that. In the measure that you give to your person what your heart desires, you not only attract him and, you know, like model for him how to treat you, but you also start doing that with yourself. And I think it's important that you start loving yourself also, having little rituals and moments that you dedicate to you and, you know, spend time at night praying in or in Silence, solitude, and stillness, like just reflecting on your day and having that quiet moment for yourself. In the measure that you learn it with your spouse, you learn how to do it with yourself, and you become connected, period. Connected to yourself, connected to your spouse, connected to God, because ultimately you're all one. So, my friend, my invitation is that you prioritize your relationship, your marriage, and that you set the intention of bringing the spark back, falling in love all over again, and reconnecting so that you may bring the infatuation, bring sexy back, bring the infatuation, not the butterflies, the fireworks into your relationship. And in order to do that, we are going to number one, set the intention. Number two, practice those daily rituals that are gonna help you feel connected. Number three, lead by example and persevere. And number four, ask for feedback so that you can tweak whatever is not working for you. And ultimately, know that whatever you practice with your partner, you also get to practice with yourself. And with God. And soon, my friend, loneliness will be a thing of the past. That's it for today's episode. I loved, loved, loved spending this time with you, so thank you for joining me. If somebody came to mind while you were listening, bless them with this episode. Send it to them. And if you may, please subscribe and leave a review. Those are really helpful to help us spread message. And if you want to grow in faith and wisdom, join me at faithandgrowth.com. Thank you for spending this time with me. Love you. Bye.