Are you letting these 3 PTSD Myths stop you from healing?

We talked to hundreds of people with PTSD and narrowed down the top 4 myths that prevent most people from fully recovering. This is the Overcoming PTSD Podcast with me, Brad, and my lovely, lovely co-host over here.

Kayleen. Hey everyone.

Uh, and today we're talking about the top 4 myths that hold most people back from recovery. And if you can really just knock down these 4 myths from your life and change these core beliefs, it will really unlock a new level of healing for yourself, a new level of hope, a new level of motivation. And that's one of the biggest things that we see missing from people out there is the lack of hope, the lack of motivation, the lack of drive to even want to go out there and try something to get better. And if you're not, if you don't have the hope, if you don't have the motivation, if you don't believe that recovery is possible, then You're not really going to do much to actually achieve that.

And you're going to feel very, very stuck and very, very hopeless.

Very stuck, very hopeless. And, you know, we talk to people every single day, and the myths that we're about to talk about come up every single day, time and time and time again. When I'm on the phone talking with people, they just, they go through these things. So we're going to go through the top 4 myths that we've discovered, and we're going to knock them down.

And I think the cool thing about kind of talking about myths and beliefs in general, but specifically with these myths, is like, you know, if you believe these right now, there's nothing wrong with you. There's a reason that you believe them, and for lack of a better term, it's just a misunderstanding, right? So the information that you've been told or you have or you've acquired somehow is just, you know, not aligning with the reality of the situation. And that is one of the things I find so, so cool about this because, you You know, while it's just information that can lead you wrong, it's also just information that can lead you back on the right track. So it's really, really neat just to listen and just to hear this information. You know, it's one of those things like we're all about action. Recovery is all about action. It's action-based. You have to take action to get results. And at the same time, you know, it really starts with learning. It really does. It starts with opening your mind and just kind of seeing things differently and being willing to see things differently. And so that's what we're really going to be talking about today. You might believe some of these things, many of these things, or all of these things. And we're just really asking you to just start to open your mind and listen to the information that we have, because we used to believe these things too. And they kept us stuck and hopeless for a very long time. But then we gained new information, right? So we started to see new science, new facts, all these different things. There's so much information out there. And, uh, we, you know, we knocked these down one by one in our own life. And now this is something that we help people do because it's so, so powerful and so important.

Yeah. Yeah. So we have, we have both been in that place where we just feel stuck and hopeless and we don't think that recovery is possible for us or that we'll even get through it. So if you believe any of these things, there is nothing, nothing against you because we have been there. And that's why, that's another reason why we know these things are so powerful. So the first myth here that I want to walk you through is Because all traumas are different, healing is different. So because all traumas are different, healing is different for me, right? So that's one of the myths. And it's true, right?

This is the cool thing about the myths.

That's the strange thing about most of the myths about PTSD, if not all of them, is that there are partial truths inside of them, right? Yes, all traumas are different. Yes, all traumas are unique. The thing that you went through or the things that you went through is unique to you. No one will ever go through exactly what you went through, and no one will be hurt in the exact same way that you've been hurt. But it doesn't mean healing is different, and it doesn't mean healing is impossible for you. So that's why it can be so insidious for people, because there are those half-truths, and you're like, yes, you know, yes, I am different. And yes, you are. You have been through something different. Like, I will never experience what you experienced. But the, the process to healing, the step by step, the step-by-step process to go from broken to fully recovered is the same. So you can plug in, basically, you can kind of think of it as, well, like a tool, right? You can use tools for different situations, right? You don't just use a tool once in one specific unique situation and then throw it away and never use it again, is that you can use it on a lot of different situations. So For example, maybe this isn't the best example, but we'll say like a hammer. You can use a hammer for a lot of different things, a lot of different use cases for that, whether that's hammering in a nail, punching a hole in the wall, ripping a nail out, whatever it is. But you can use it in a lot of different scenarios, a lot of different types of nails, a lot of different walls, whatever it is. But the tool you can use on different, different things.

And I think so, an analogy I kind of like to use, you think about like if you break a bone, right? Now you could break your finger or your arm or your leg or your foot, right? But the general process to heal is the same. Now there are little idiosyncrasies that, you know, go on depending on which bone you break, but the general process is the same, right? You break the bone, you go see the doctor, they do an X-ray. They need an inside view of what's going on. From there, they take action to if a repair needs to be made, right? we don't ever need to splint it, or, you know, maybe we need to go in and do a little reparation and, you know, do a little, um, supplementation with, you know, a pin or something like that, right? So then they figure out what needs to be done to get it back in place. Then what do they do? They give it time to heal, right? Time to mend itself, basically. And then what happens after that, right? Then they reevaluate, and then what you need to do is you need to now restrengthen that thing that was resting for weeks or months, right? And so you can see kind of in this very basic example, while it could be your forearm or your or, you know, your leg or whatever it is, the outline, for lack of a better term, is very much the same. You're following the same process and yes, they have their little idiosyncrasies but the process is the same. Now if you break your finger versus if you break your femur, that's going to be a— it's going to be a different length of time that it takes you to heal and it's going to be a little bit more intensive in some parts of the process than it is in others and that's kind of how healing trauma is. It's no different than that. It doesn't really matter what bone that you break or how many bones that you break, that is really all that's going to do is depend on how long it takes you to heal, right? It's not going to affect the process that gets followed, right? So Brad and I teach a process to heal, to fully process, you know, trauma and heal from PTSD and CPTSD, and we teach basically 4 basic tools to help people do that so that they can get each angle and make sure That they get to the root of whatever their trauma or traumas is. Now within those tools, one of the things that we also help people develop are, you know, is something we actually call independence, but is basically the little idiosyncrasies that need to happen with them as an individual. So you can see we kind of teach the process, we give them the tools that they need, and then as they follow the process, they kind of run into these little idiosyncrasies and we coach them through Those little things that need to be done. But it's really, really very, very similar journey to journey, which is really very interesting.

Yeah. And to go along those same lines of— excuse me— the broken bone, right? The doctor doesn't heal the bone, right? We talked about this before too, but the doctor doesn't do any of the real healing. They aid it in the— The recovery process, right? Like the body heals heals your bone, right? Your body knows how to heal your bone. Like that's already built in inside of you. And the same thing with PTSD is that you have after you go through trauma, you have all these unprocessed charged memories, and all you have to do is know the right tools, know the right process to then take those unprocessed memories basically. Use that inborn information processing system in your brain to heal those traumatic memories. And just to take that one step further, that's how that relates to what we're talking about. Um, because it is, it is no different than that. And then the tools, the tools, just like, you know, maybe the doctor setting your arm right with a cast is just like using a tool for your brain to help it. You know, along the natural healing process by using the information processing system.

I like to call that like setting you up for success, right? So in the same way that a doctor is setting a bone or putting a cast or a splint on you, that's what you're doing basically with the tools, right? You're setting your brain up for success to do the processing it needs to do. So if you've listened to a few episodes, I think this is like 3 or 4 episodes back. And if you're like intrigued at what we're kind of talking about, go to that. It's our first episode back. But it's like three or four episodes ago, and I explain the information processing system, and I give examples of basically how that works. And so I'm just going to really quickly overview it. And you know, your brain knows how to heal if you develop PTSD. All that happens is it skips a step. So now, if you remember from listening to that episode, we described that as you know your brain as a kid you're asked to clean your room, and instead you shove everything under your bed or in your closet. That's what your brain does. It's it skips a step. It stores everything in your long-term memory so that you don't have to deal with it right now. It's It's trying to protect you, right? But what happens is, you know, eventually you have to open that closet again and you have to deal with it, you know, properly. So it skips a step and all that we do in the healing process, all that you need to do, and of course this is an oversimplification, is set it up for success to go back to that original step. So that's just, you know, it's a good example to use the broken bone because it is, you have this innate healing power.

Yes, yeah.

And you just basically need to figure out how to set your brain up for success To use it, to use that power.

Awesome.

All right, myth 2.

The second myth that we're talking about today is, I've had this for blank years and I've tried everything. So I've had this for X number of years, I've tried everything, and therefore I can't heal. And this is an understandable one, right?

I get this one.

If you want years or decades, like I've talked with people for who have had it for over 50 years, it's not unreasonable to, you know, think some doubt has built up around, you know, not being able to heal. But really it comes down to one of the biggest reasons why most people kind of get stuck in this way is because they're using the wrong tool. They're like, 'cause really the goal of, I'm not gonna say all therapies, but Most, most of the traditional methods out there, therapies and not even therapies, just traditional methods that you see out there are really geared towards management and coping and just getting by. And we had a client, um, who was actually, we call him the top dog. He was the top dog in his, uh, in his mental health field, but he was like a behavioral, uh, uh, specialist or therapist. And he was like one of the best in his field. And when he came to work with us, um, and he started to do that deep inner work and that inner processing, he realized that the goal that he was taught to kind of aim for with his clients unconsciously, yeah, with his clients was management, was just getting by. The goal wasn't true healing. And that's what is taught most of the time when you go to most different therapies, most of the therapies I went to, most of the therapies that, you know, I talk to people literally every single day. You know, they say I've done you know talk therapy and CBT, and I've done this. I do meditation. I I exercise. I eat well. And like all of those things are are great. I have nothing against those things, right? But really, all those things just really just scratch the surface. They kind of just like if you think about it, I guess kind of going back to the. the clothes in the closet. Like, if you shove all your clothes in the closet, that's the trauma. And when you get triggered, that is basically the clothes coming out of the closet and overflowing. Most of the tools out there today are just teaching you to shove it back in until you're triggered again. So basically, they're just— you're being taught to relax yourself, calm yourself down for your triggered state or your triggered unprocessed memories. To recede back into your subconscious mind until they're triggered again, and that's why it feels like you can be stuck in a constant cycle or constant loop, or you feel like you're constantly relapsing because you've just been coping. You've just been managing this the symptoms. You've just been kind of you know they they come out and then you just push them right back into the long-term memory until something else in your environment you know reminds you of the trauma consciously or not. And you get triggered again. So it's not that you're like it, or it's not that it's hopeless or that it's impossible for you to heal. Most of the time, it's, it's the tools that have been taught. And like, the field has changed dramatically in that, like, if you're talking about 50 years, you imagine what people were doing 50 years ago in any— locking people up and—

Right. You know, I mean, like, this field has come so, so far. Stigma is a really interesting point, and I want to get back to that word everything in a minute here. But, you know, you think about how things have changed in the last 5 to 10 years. When we were kids, mental health was not a word that I had ever heard. That was not something that was taught in school, talked about in schools, anything like that. And nowadays people are so aware, people are so conscious of all these things that go on. You know, there's this big conversation about mental health, which is excellent, right? So we're starting to see that, you know, everyone— mental— everyone has mental health. Whether it's good mental health or bad mental health, right? Just everyone has physical health, whether that's good physical health or bad physical health. And it's, you know, it's just really important to keep that top of mind, but to see that things have changed so quickly. I want you to think about how technology has changed in the last 10 years since 2011. Do I have that right? Since 2011, how things have changed.

Yeah.

Right. The phone that we use to record this video, I believe now it's like 2 or 3 iPhones old.

Yep.

And it's a professional camera. Or the— if we took this phone back 10, 15, 20 years, it would have been professional movie camera. Like, that's how good that camera is, right? And it's, it's just amazing how fast, how quickly things progress. And the mental health field is really no different, right? It's been a slow start. It's a really new field. You think about this, this is really new. And so, it's just kind of getting its momentum. People are just figuring this stuff out, which means 50 years ago, you know, when you first try to figure something out, what happens, right? When you first try to ride a bike, you fall over quite a bit, right? With 2 wheels, right? Well, people tried and fell over quite a bit, you know, at first and just did the total wrong thing. And that's okay, right? And we've learned a lot from that, but so much has changed. And I want to bring it back to this word everything, because this is something that— this is one of those moments as a coach that sometimes it's a hug and a kick in the butt. It's a kick in the butt. And I like to pick apart words and I like to pick apart, you know, the way that I speak, the way that other people speak. And this word everything, I hear this word everything a lot. Now, before I even pick on that, I want to share like a story and it's not necessarily a true story, but it's not necessarily an untrue story, right? Brad and I used to fight all the time and we used to speak very much, especially in fights. And this might resonate with a lot of you if you have a partner or spouse or anything like that. where you speak in absolutes and you say, you never do this for me. You never take out the trash. You always, always cut me short, whatever it is, right? So those words, never, always, what an absolute is, is you're leaving no room for anything else to happen. And everything is very similar.

And only Siths speak in absolutes.

Star Wars?

Yes.

Everything is very similar in that regard, right? So when you say, I've tried everything, Again, this sometimes is an uncomfortable moment. Have you truly tried everything? Everything, every single thing that there is or has been, have you really tried everything? The answer is probably no, right? There are over 100 different types of therapy alone. Have you tried each type of therapy? Have you tried over 100 different types of therapy? Have you tried the 100 different types of therapy with all the given variables of the clinician, your beliefs going into it, your effort, their effort, their expertise, their knowledge? Okay, there are all these things that go into it. And so, as uncomfortable as that can be for some people, because I by no means want to take away from the work that you've done, because if you feel like you've tried everything, you've probably put a lot of work into this journey and gotten no results, and that's not on you. All that I'm asking you to do is open your mind to it is not everything that you've tried. There are more things. There are things that work. So I want you to just start to kind of open that door so we're not shutting it with everything. And if, just like a quick little relationship tip, if you're having a fight, don't speak in absolutes, okay? Because you're shutting the door down to the rest of the conversation.

Yeah.

Um, and that just— I love that word everything because I like to pick at it and pick it apart.

Yeah. Yeah. Another, another thing that like makes people feel hopeless when they say, I've tried everything, um, a lot of times it's from the, uh, perspective of I'm looking for something to save me. I'm looking for something else to heal me. I'm looking for this therapist. I'm putting all my hope into someone, someone else. or something else, some medication, some doctor, somebody else has to heal me. And I'm kind of releasing control over my own life and my own recovery and kind of ultimately use it as an excuse to not go in 100% yourself.

I think that's interesting, that word tried, right? I've tried everything versus I've done.

Well, that's what I've even— Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cuz like, it's like Kayleen said, like you can go to a therapist, but there's so many variables that determine the success. First is like the type of therapy and the modality. Second is like the therapist itself, because there are therapists that are terrible and there's ones that are freaking awesome, you know? Um, so there's, there's, there's those variables. Uh, but I would say the most important variable, hands down, the definite 100% most important variable in this equation is you. Because even if you go to the wrong therapy and the wrong therapist, You'll recognize it because you're like, this isn't getting me closer to the goal, to my goal. This isn't getting me closer to where I want to go. And you'll take control of that and you'll try something else, right? And if you try something else and it doesn't get you closer to where you want to be, then you won't do that and you'll, you'll do something else. And you like, you'll keep experimenting. That was our whole recovery, man. Like, that's like, we didn't, we didn't know what the hell we were doing when we first started. I didn't even know what PTSD was. All I knew, honestly—

I know, it's funny.

When Kayleen was having nightmares and flashbacks, I had to literally Google search being like, okay, like what does it mean when someone has nightmares every night? What does it mean when someone has flashbacks every day? And like I just remember going to him like, I think you have PTSD. And it was weird because at the time I thought it was only for veterans. Like my my perception of that was just you know crazy veteran, you know Vietnam veteran who like which I don't even think this is. This is definitely like a very cinematic, cultural-driven image who's like— it's just like what people joke about. I just remember in middle school, people would joke about a veteran with PTSD, like, oh, don't go to his house. He might think you're an enemy and shoot you or something. That's ridiculous because no, they just hurt people. But the biggest thing, the biggest variable, the most important variable, and it's really the only variable that truly matters if you think about it, because it's you, your willingness, your drive, your willingness to never give up despite failure and to persist until you're successful. Because if you do that, you will find the right way. You will find the right tools. You will find the right path. Now, that's not the optimal. That's not the optimal. Just kind of figuring out on your own isn't the optimal, fastest way to do it. But that's the most important piece because those people find the way to do it.

Right. And you start to see all those experiences as knowledge. You start to kind of acquire this knowledge. And I was really, really lucky. We were really, really lucky. We had each other for the majority of this journey to full healing. Right. Alone, it's it's a tremendous burden to go on this journey alone and try to figure it out and have those experiences and try thing after thing after thing and just be like okay this is knowledge what's the next thing what's the next thing and not truly know if it is possible but you know as you continue to try and and do new things and even look you can look back on the experiences that you've had you know what I want you to do right now if you if you resonate with this of I've had this for blank years and I've tried everything. everything. Look back, excuse me, on the things that you've tried and on the experiences that you've had and pull out the lessons, pull out the learning experiences, pull out the variables so that you can go into the future with information, with the data that you can use. So it's not all for nothing, right? So that is all truly something that you can launch from instead of, you know, instead of have something that weighs you down like that. Does that make sense?

Not sure.

Okay, were you listening?

Not sure.

Okay, mildly. Anyway, just look back on those experiences, find the lessons, see the variables. Also see maybe why didn't these things work. There are so many different reasons why something could not work. And if you think about like a formula, think about a recipe, this is a great example. Healing PTSD is a recipe. Right? And you don't have to cross every T and dot every I. Let's not call it baking; it's cooking, right? But it is a recipe, and if you don't follow the recipe or if you're missing an ingredient, you're going to get a very different result, right? If you leave out flour or if you if you're missing I don't know if you're missing pasta from a recipe, it's going to be a very different dish than if you have all the ingredients in the right amounts, right? Healing is really no different than that. Again, it it's not this perfect process. You don't have to cross every T and dot every I, but you need all the ingredi So when you can go through and look back and see, okay, why are— why did these things not work? You, you're going to start to see patterns. You're going to start to see the lessons and see how you can draw from those experiences moving forward.

Yeah, 100%. And ultimately, that's something everybody has to do, you know?

Right.

Even when you have the recipe, it's like sometimes you make a mistake and you have to analyze what went wrong.

I made a recipe last winter. And I thought I was using a cup and I was using like a cup and a third. It was like a really weird measurement. And I had already done like most of the dry ingredients and I was like, oh my gosh, now I have to convert everything else. And it was like this whole mess. I had to call my brother. My brother's brilliant. And he converted the rest of the recipe for me and it actually turned out fine. But it was, it was, it was a high-pressure situation. So sometimes you do, you have to go back and say, what mistake did I make and how can I fix this now with the rest or moving forward?

Yeah.

And different things like that.

And that's a big reason why people can feel stuck, because they keep doing the same thing and they never analyze it. And most people's goal is, I just want to manage this, right? I mean, that's like the therapist's goal. And then you have to be honest with yourself. Has my goal— have I truly been committed to full healing? And maybe part of it is because you believe some of these myths or you've been kind of Um, been inundated with these, with these myths and you started to believe these things. Um, and like we said, that's not your fault at all because it's one of the hardest things in the world to go through. Um, but a lot, a big reason why people feel stuck is because they don't do that analysis.

Right, right.

They keep doing the same thing again and again and again and again and again. They don't change.

You have to think.

You have to think for yourself. You have to analyze it. But the first thing Before all of that is you need a goal, right? If you don't have a goal, if you don't know where you want to be, how the hell are you going to get there?

Yeah, where are you going?

Yeah, where do you want to be, right?

Yeah.

And that's the thing is like most people don't have a goal and that's why they don't go anywhere. They don't have the goal of full recovery. They can't— um, I guess a prerequisite isn't having to be able to imagine it, but that's a helpful thing. But they don't have a goal, right?

Just paint an outline. It doesn't have to be crystal clear. It'll get clearer as you, as you learn more, as you You know, have more experiences, do more of your healing. Like, just have a general outline.

Because if you have a goal and then you go to therapy, and like, if you have a goal of full recovery, right? If like nothing less than full recovery, really deep inner peace, and just seeing, having like joy, and really finding who you truly are again at your core. If if you have that goal, you won't accept.

Mm-hmm.

A therapist that doesn't help you in that direction. You won't accept, um, a certain tool or a modality or something that doesn't help you get closer to that goal.

Yeah.

And then you'll know, you'll know whether or not you're doing the right thing because of your goal. Is it getting me closer to the goal or further away from it? So like all of this is really, really comes down to whether or not you have a goal, because if you don't have a goal, how do you know where you're going? You can't measure your progress. Because what's the goal?

Right.

You know, and that's something that we do with our coaching clients is like, you can measure, this is something that you could do too, is like you can measure your average distress level, right? Just on a day-to-day basis. And we, we do this, um, kind of on a weekly basis. Once they get into, there's different kind of, um, things that we teach there. We call 'em the 3 pillars of recovery. So the first pillar is mindset, second pillar is Habits and routines. And the third pillar is processing. And that's where we teach the tools to help people get to the root of the trauma and fully process it and heal it so the symptoms don't come up. And when they get to that third pillar, we have them start tracking their distress level weekly, right? So they can see how implementing the processing tools affects their overall distress level, again, from 0 to 10. And the goal is to get that distress level down to zero. So there's a very clear goal and a very measurable goal getting there. And that's what I'm talking about. Like, and you can use that for yourself. What's your average distress level right now? And then how do the, how do the things that you're doing impact that? And for a lot of people, like if, if all you know is coping skills, it might kind of just fluctuate between these, these numbers. You might just like, you might go up to it to an 8 and then You, you cope for a while and you're not facing any triggers. It might go down to a 6, then it might spike back up to an 8. And then you might just be in that cycle forever, but by tracking it, you'll know if you're in that cycle or whether or not you're making true progress over time down to zero. Um, so that's what I'm talking about with a goal is like, if you don't have a goal, you don't know where you're going.

Right.

Um, and it doesn't matter if you tried everything. You can try everything, have no goal, and go nowhere.

And your goal, if you set your goal and you're like, this has never been done. This is this was our experience. This has never been done before. This is impossible. This is too hard. That's probably the right goal because that's what you want. That's what you truly want. Don't lower your goal for anyone else, right? Don't beat yourself up. It's going to take a while to get there, right? But if you have a goal of full sobriety and like never using again, if you have a goal of sleeping through the night every night and like being at peace, if you have a goal in your relationship, I love this one of. never fighting with your partner. That's a great goal. Don't let anyone tell you that those goals are not possible, because the reality is, is that they are. And they take a lot of work, but they are possible. Okay, we've had people tell us all of those goals are impossible.

Yeah.

And they're not. I know we've achieved those goals, and they're excellent, and they're worth it. They're worth all the effort. So if you're finding yourself saying, okay, I want truthful peace, I want To sleep through the night every night. I want to never have an altercation with anyone. Those are great goals. Trust yourself and lean into that and just keep chipping away at them because you'll get there.

That's funny. So I remember saying that. I'm like, one of my goals is to never have a fight. It's like, I never want to have— it doesn't mean we can't have disagreements, but I want those disagreements to be amicable, if that's a good word to use in that scenario.

But just like cool, calm, collected.

And they can even be a little emotional, just like not arguments are not like just out of control. Because I feel like when you lose that point, when you lose that point of control, yeah, it no longer becomes productive. It becomes hurtful to people and it becomes counterproductive. So I'm like, I want to get to a point where like, you know, we can have a disagreement but we can resolve it, you know. And I just remember, yeah, you were like, I don't know.

Well, the first time he said that, he was like, I, I want to get to a point I don't— we must have been talking about relationship goals, right? Probably setting them for the first time. And he was like, well, like, ideally, like, we would never yell at each other. I never want to argue with you. And I was like, there's no possible way that we're never going to argue and never going to yell at each other because that was the way that I communicated. Um, but we've been able to do that and it's excellent. And I remember, like, talking to therapists, like, you know, sharing that goal and, you know, Brad hearing very often, like, that is not a real or realistic goal, right? Like you're supposed to fight in your relationship. And that's, that's just not true. Like Brad said, like, you know, you can disagree. And I would—

I just remember telling my therapist, I'm like, that's not true. That's BS. It's like, you should check your relationship.

Yeah, you should, you should check in on that.

And you should pay me at the end of the session.

And it's, it's amazing. It's amazing to be able to do those things and to have the skills to do that. And one of the things that I always find so, so cool about the healing journey is It gives you so many more skills and tools than you could possibly imagine. And the reason that we're able to have the relationship that we do now, where we don't fight and we don't argue, and we do disagree, like for sure we disagree, but we don't fight, we don't argue, we never raise our voices at each other, is because of the tools and skills that we've as individuals learned on this journey, but also brought to the table as a relationship. So we first fixed ourselves. And then we could bring those same tools and skills to the relationship. And it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.

Yeah.

And it becomes simple.

My thing has always been, who cares if the goal is impossible? Why not have it as a goal to strive for? Why not have it as something as, that's what I'm aiming for, right? And that's something that really helped me along my journey. It's like, even if that's impossible, it's a worthy goal to aim for, right? Because I don't want to aim for anything less than my potential. And if I set something really high that I believe, or I might, I have doubts about that, I'm like, ah, that might be impossible. Be like, that's good. That's good. Because even if it is impossible, it's going to make me the best person that I can be. Even if I never ever achieved that goal, I will be the best person I can be. Even if you believe full recovery is impossible, By having that goal, you will reach the deepest levels of healing possible for you.

But the good news is that it's all possible.

It is possible. But like for those of you who doubt it, you know, like it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's possible, right? You don't. It doesn't matter if you believe it's possible. Have that as a goal. Have that as a as a um a point you want to hit. Something to to look towards and aim towards. Because it's going to get you to the best point in your life. And that's the thing is like, it drives me crazy when people are like, yeah, is that realistic? It's like, does it freaking matter? It's a, it's a really good goal to aim for. I'm going to become the best person that I can be. And maybe it is. I'll find out. And if it's not, who the hell cares? I'll keep going and I'll be in a much better place than where I am right now. Why give me little baby steps when I can You know, go up here. And when you have— when you set a really low goal, how motivated are you? You're like, it sucks because it's hopeless, right? That's why most people feel hopeless too, is because you have these really small goals. All you can do is cope. All you can do is manage. All you can do is just get by. And man, I heard this one guy who was, uh, um, I won't give specifics, but, um, he ran a group. I talked with him a few weeks ago. He ran a group Of to help veterans, I believe, like combat veterans, frontline veterans, people who have seen seen shit, right? Been through a lot of shit. And one thing that he did was convince them that this is the way it is. You just got to get through it. You just got to power through it, basically. You just got to manage it. But there's no way out. And you just have to accept that, right? And then you wonder, why is there such a big problem with suicide, veterans and not? Because who— if that's the belief you have someone believe, hey, man, this is as good as it's going to get. You just have to accept it. Don't aim for a bigger goal because we believe that's impossible. It's ridiculous to me. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Why set a goal of management? This is the way it is and I'm just gonna have to accept it. And I'm not saying to accept, like to fight reality, but like, dude, have a goal that you're gonna strive towards and get better. You'll find the best you. It's like, it makes absolutely no sense. 'Cause even if that's impossible, you are going to find the deepest levels of healing possible for you.

And this is what I love about goals, right? You set a goal like that and then work backwards. Work backwards from there. And so you can turn that goal, that big giant scary big old goal, into things that you can do daily, steps that you can take week by week, month by month. Like Brad was talking about, one of the things we have people in who coach with us do in the program, one of the things we have them do is track their distress level, right? So big old goal is the stress level of zero. What are the things that I need to do to get to that point? Right? Okay, I have these 6 traumas, whatever it is. Okay, I need to go through all the processing tools on each of these 6 traumas, and that's going to get me closer and closer. And each week that goes by—

Right.

Okay, my distress level was an 8 last week. I did 4 hours of processing. Now it's a 6. Okay, another week goes by. I did 20 hours of processing. Now it's a 2. Okay, and so you take that big giant goal and you break it down into actionable steps, and that I think is one of the most important things, right, is that Action is the only thing that matters. You have to take action to get results, and that to me is the best part about setting goals: is you set a goal, and then you get to break down what are the actions that need to be taken to get there. Now it doesn't matter if there's a timeline on it. Definitely don't put a timeline on it, especially if you're setting a goal like this. Let it happen when it happens, but understand the steps that you need to take to get there, and break down the steps that you need to take to get there so that you can keep taking those steps so that you can have that. Big goal, and then you can also have the daily actions that you need to do to get there and the weekly actions to get there to make sure that you're on track, because that way you get the best of both worlds. You get this big giant goal that you're aiming for and going to achieve, and you get these actions that you can take daily to build the motivation and build the momentum and say that like, heck yeah, I'm winning. I did that thing. Check, check, check. That's awesome. Here's another day. Check, check, check. If you keep ticking those boxes, if you keep taking those actions, you are on your path to that goal. And that is kind of the beautiful thing.

Yeah. And when I say have a big goal, it doesn't mean don't celebrate yourself for the little goals or the little things along the way. That is arguably just as important because that gives you, like Kayleen said, the motivation and the momentum to keep going. And you need to look for those things. But really what Kayleen was saying about action is so true because the difference between people who recover and people who never recover is consistent, persistent action, and they never give up. The most successful people that we coach with are the people that take that consistent, persistent action week after week. They put in the time for themselves. They take the time for themselves. They say, I'm important enough. My life is important enough. I'm going to put the time in to me. I'm gonna put in an hour a day. I'm gonna put in 10 hours a week. I'm gonna put in 20 hours a week to my healing, to my processing of my traumas. And they are the ones that make the biggest leaps and bounds. Your life can change dramatic— dramatically? Incredibly quickly. Incredibly quickly when you just start putting the time in. So ask yourself, how much time are you putting in? How much time are you truly putting in?

And if you're like listening right now and you're like, well, like, I don't deserve healing, like, stop, okay? We're gonna address that as you get on your healing journey. But that's fine because I didn't think that when I was at rock bottom either. If there are people in your life that you love and that you care about, they deserve more than anything for you to heal. And the only way that you can do that is to take the time for yourself. Nothing is more important than your healing, than your sleep, than your health, than your sobriety. Nothing is more important. Everything hinges on this. Everything in your life, whether you know it, whether you're aware of it or not, hinges on this. So put some other things aside. Make some— and I'm gonna call them sacrifices, and they're not even close to a sacrifice— make some sacrifices so that you can spend the time for you to do this healing. Skip the TV. Don't hang out with friends this week. Like, whatever it is. Don't go to the family event. Take the time for you. Because when you do this work, I always think of it like you're putting in like a deposit. You're putting in this work. There's only so much work that you have to do. And I know that might sound wild to those of you who have, you know, been working at this for years, but there is only so much work that you have to do when you're following the right tools, following the right processes. There's only so much work that you have to do. So you only have to make these quote unquote sacrifices for a short period of time. And then you get everything that you've ever wanted. And that maybe sounds like a big promise, but if you think about the different areas that this affects, it affects your work, it affects your relationships, it affects your sleep, it affects your self-esteem, it affects every single thing that you do in every single interaction that you have. Down to the interactions that you have online, the interaction that you have at the grocery store, or the interactions that you have with your partner or your kids or your pets. This is the most important thing in your life, and it is worth the time and effort that is needed. And it needs a lot of time and effort, especially up front. It is worth the time and effort that is needed so that you can heal, because the greatest gift that you can give the world around you and the people around you is you healing, hands down. Hands down, if you do nothing else, you healing will radiate like you cannot even imagine. But you have to take that time for you, and you have to see that. You have to see how powerful that all this is, how much the addiction ripples out, how much you not sleeping ripples out, how much you having a short temper and getting triggered ripples out, lashing out at loved ones. I cannot tell you what that did to our relationship. It almost destroyed it irreparably, all because I wasn't taking the time for myself, right? And so then all of a sudden I'm yelling at him about lettuce in the sink, okay? And I'm having a screaming match with him over lettuce in the sink. I mean, how silly is that when you put it like that? I threw an ice cream sandwich at him. Why? Because I didn't take the time for myself, right? I've had that happen. And all those things are avoidable. Okay, those things that you've done in your past that maybe you're doing right now, they're avoidable if you heal. And you can heal, and you can have this beautiful life where you don't fight with your partner and you're an amazing parent to your kids. And you're still a human being, of course, but, um, you know, if you're an addict, you're sober and you can work and you can focus and you can be present and you can be calm and you can be at peace and you can sleep. All of that is possible for you. If you put the time in, that's my that's my rant.

One hundred percent. And um, the only thing I want to say about that is like where where wherever your time goes shows where your priorities are. So where are you spending your time? And it's actually a very good exercise to map out your time. Do like a time study. Write down how many hours do I spend watching TV? How many hours do I spend? Doing whatever, and that will show you where your priorities lie and how much are you actually spending on healing. And the thing is, like Kayleen said, like you have to sacrifice a little bit, and you do, and they're not really that much of a sacrifice.

They're really not. And like most people watch so much TV, like five plus hours a day, and I don't even think that. So that's an American statistic, but the average American watches five hours of TV a day. Right? And I'm pretty sure that statistic does not include social media, right? Now, I remember I was like full addicted to TV, full addicted to social media. It's so distracting. It just, it's not only the time that you spend on it, especially social media, it's the amount of time it takes you to shift your focus back to whatever it is that you were doing. You could be on social media for 5 minutes, right?

Mm-hmm.

But it's gonna take you an enormous amount of time to shift your focus back into the flow of whatever you're doing, especially if you're at work or something like that. Everything suffers because of this. And it doesn't have to, right? There's so much time in the day. This is weird. This is weird, right? When I healed and when I got sober, I remember telling Brad like, there is so much time in the day that I almost don't know what to do with it all. Like there's just a wild amount of time and I started like cooking and like engaging in all these hobbies and like hanging out with friends a lot more and you know, just doing other things, right? And then like eventually filling it with work and goals and all sorts of different things. And that's how it really feels. Like, when you're not addicted, when you don't have PTSD, you can just exist. And that maybe sounds like a low goal, but like, what I mean when I say exist is like, you can just be at peace and you can live your life.

Just live.

And you can just— you can work and it's no problem and it's no stress and it's basically no effort. You can enjoy everything in your life to the point where you're like, I feel like I have excess time. This is all extra. This is all bonus. It feels so unbelievable. It's like you were running a marathon with like a 100-pound weight vest on, and then you take it off and you're like, oh wow, this is actually going really fast. I don't know. It's just excellent. So it deserves your full attention.

It does. 100%.

Should we get back to our 3rd myth?

Let's go on and move on to our 3rd myth.

Big rants in that one. Okay. So our 3rd myth is you have to relive or remember your trauma to heal. So, you know, it's, it's really common to think this. And I remember at rock bottom, Like being like, there's no possible way. This was always my objection, right? To therapy, to healing, to everything. I was like, listen, I am not going to sit and repeat this again and again. I am not going to go through this with you over and over again until it doesn't hurt. I don't know where I got that belief. I don't know where I got that notion. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or what, but I was so set on like That was what people would ask me to do, and I'd be like, there is no way I'm gonna go through this again and again and again and again because I'm already having nightmares all night and already having flashbacks. Like, and then I got to this rock bottom moment, and I think even Brad said it to me. He, you know, he said something along the lines of like, you know, you're already having flashbacks all night or all day and nightmares all night, like basically reliving this anyway. Like, If that is the way to heal, like, are you not open to it? Like, you're already doing this anyway. Maybe there's just a productive way to do it. And I remember it kind of shifted my mindset on it, although I was still sad. I was like, you know, he's right. Like, I'm in so much pain anyway. Like, whatever, we might as well try to make it productive, right? Because this is happening without my consent, right? So, um, but then, you know, along the journey, I find out that that, that is not the case. That does not have to be the case. There are things that people do to make that the case, right? Like exposure therapy is an example. But it does not have to be the case, and in most cases that is not the way to heal. In most cases that's a way to do more damage. But you don't have to relive your trauma to heal. That was my biggest fear, and I didn't have to do it, and you don't have to do it to heal. I don't know where it comes from, and that would be an interesting thing to like find out because I have a feeling it's cultural, but you don't have to Relive it. You don't. There are so many, and I use the word gentle, and that sounds strange to a lot of people. There are gentle ways to use your information processing system to get to the root of trauma and heal and fully process it, to activate that system in your brain that got skipped the first time. There are gentle, gentle, so gentle you would not even believe that they work. That's how like— I'm going to use the word gentle again, but they're just so non-invasive. They're almost like— Like, sweet. They're like—

well, they're based on love.

They're based on love and kindness, and it's so, so like sweet and special to be able to use those tools. And it's one of a few tools to heal, but they're non-invasive ways to do this work. So there are ways to do this in the gentlest way possible. And like, Brad and I teach a couple of different tools when it comes to healing the root and getting to the core and stuff like that, and they all have their specific purposes. But at the same time, you could use one to do all of your healing. You know, they're there as options to make sure you kind of get every angle and to do everything that needs to be done to ensure that you fully heal. But some people really lean towards the, like, the more non-invasive ones, and they're all fairly non-invasive. You know, but 3 out of 4, I would say, are like completely non-invasive. And then the last one I wouldn't call invasive, but it is specifically based on memory. But you don't have to use that one.

Right.

You know, you can use these non-invasive ones that don't necessarily require you to also remember your trauma. So if you, if you're experiencing trauma symptoms and you're like, I don't remember what I went through, it was like I was really young, or I'm not really sure, there are ways to heal. And so a way I kind of describe this is your brain is just this network. It's this unbelievable system and you can think of like your healing and your trauma network as like a line of dominoes, okay, and so there are lines of dominoes all over your brain and with the tools and the skills that we teach, you can kind of go in there, get a general idea of where you need to be based on your emotions and your feelings and the things that trigger you and knock over a few dominoes that knock over the rest of the dominoes. So you are actually— it's possible to heal without even remembering specifically what you've been through. And I know that's like an oversimplification of an example, but I just, I just, I really like to cover this one because it was a huge fear of mine and it's, it's not a necessary fear.

Yeah. So like going back to like that domino thing is like, and everything else is like, there's different roadways to access a trauma, right? Different pathways, right? One is, one is the memory. One is the memory. Another one is the emotion. Another one's the belief. So there's different ways that you can go in and access the memory. It doesn't just have to be— or the trauma and how it's affected you. So it doesn't necessarily have to be processing through the memory.

Mm-hmm.

So it doesn't have to be this huge invasive thing. And honestly, if you're ever being forced into a situation where you have to relive it or someone's saying you need to do this and you don't feel ready for it, I mean, there's always, there's always a level of like, I'm, I'm not ready, right?

Right.

Or you have, you have some, some doubts to it.

And there's some discomfort too, right? You're not going to be like clicking your heels and like, I'm good to go. Like, we're ready. Like, let's hit it. You know, there's some discomfort, but if something is saying like, this does not feel right to me, if there's like a—

If you're being forced.

Yeah. If there's like a red flag kind of discomfort, that's okay. Then don't do it. Don't do it. You don't have to do that. And there are different ways to heal. So if you're ever in a situation, if you find yourself in a situation now where like you're being encouraged to do this and you don't want to, you do not have to. And that is just a reminder. And that is not the— while that works for some people, it is not the only way to heal. And you, you can heal in other ways. And in most cases, healing in other ways is going to get you true full healing and not do any further damage.

How about this for kind of a horror story? Of the traditional method of a inpatient program. Someone that we talked to that went through. There's many of these horror stories, and I don't mean horror in like a horrific way, but just like like just like oh my god really like they did that or like they had you do that. But she went to an inpatient program where they intentionally triggered her so that she could learn how to not heal but cope better. When she was triggered, so they and it wasn't just her. They were in it. She was in a group of people.

I remember this.

A group of people where everybody's getting triggered, and then you just have to. That's how you learn how to cope, but you don't actually learn how to heal.

Tell me that doesn't sound traumatic. Just listening to it.

It's like, oh my gosh! You're not alone.

Yeah. Again, the mental health field is fairly new. No.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's the other thing. It's like, yeah, we have. The mental health field has come a long way, right? And there are some things that work, that are working a lot better now, that just didn't even exist even 10 years ago or 20 years ago.

And?

And, and slash but, there is still a huge, huge gap that needs to be crossed for it to be truly effective. And that should, that should probably be another podcast that we talk about is like, what are, what's the gap that, you know, the industry needs to make in order for it to be the most effective, um, it can be for healing, healing people. Mm-hmm. Not helping them manage, not helping them cope, not letting them vent for an hour. Heal them with the goal of healing. What needs to happen for that? So maybe that's, that, that could be an interesting one for the future.

That could be a fun one.

Yeah.

So one final myth that we wanna cover, and there are many, many myths and I recently wrote a book, and hopefully it'll be out soon, but I recently wrote a book and it's called The Art of Trauma Relief, and it is all about coping skills, right? Because step 1 is learning effective, healthy, safe coping skills so you're not relying on drugs or alcohol or negative coping skills so that you can— I call it kind of like get your feet underneath you and focus on the full journey.

I call it damage control.

So it's a— it's an excellent book, and one of the things I talk about And there's a lot outside of just coping skills, but it's a collection of the 9 best coping skills that are out there, and it's based on one of the modules from our program called the Recovery Toolbox module. But I talk much more about— much more than just the tools themselves. And one of the things I talk about is the pillars of the program and basically the kind of the roadmap or the blueprint to the program and And one of the things I talk about too in the beginning is basically my— a lot of mindset stuff, but a lot of these myths, and a lot more than just what we covered here today, because there are plenty of myths. So I want to kind of do a 2-in-1 with this myth. Now, the myth that we kind of have that we want to talk about, right, is just straight up, it's impossible to heal, right? And actually what I talk about in the book is specifically, it's impossible to heal because my brain has changed, right? So the structure of my brain has changed. And so I just, I really just want to touch on that one briefly, and then we can jump back into it's impossible to heal. And this is what makes these myths dangerous. Your brain has changed. If you've experienced a trauma and you have PTSD, your brain has changed. It has changed structure and size, specific parts of your brain. And guess what the best part is? Now don't stop the conversation there. Don't stop the podcast there. The best part of this is Yes, PTSD trauma has changed your brain. Healing also changes your brain. Okay. And so that's kind of—

In reverse order.

Literally. And you can—

they did brain scans.

Yeah, exactly. And you, for lack of a better term, regrow, but you basically rebuild, you restructure your brain to, we'll say, the way it was before, or, you know, if you experienced this really young, the way that it's supposed to be. And beyond that, even stronger than it was before or stronger than it is supposed to be on average. And so that's my, like, just snippet that I just want to throw in there because a lot of people throw that around, like, it's impossible to heal, trauma has changed my brain. And like, yep, it has changed your brain, and healing changes your brain too. And so I just wanted to just throw that in there. But I want to talk about this, it's impossible to heal, because we believe this. And I don't know where this comes from, and I don't know who is out there telling— well, I do know who.

A lot of people.

There's so many people.

I just don't know.

I don't know why.

Because it's hard.

People are— it is hard. It takes a lot of work. It is possible to heal. We've done it. We're walking living proof. Like, I cannot tell you how many times I sat on a couch opposite a clinician and they were just like, it's not possible. The things that you want, okay, are just not possible. And now I'm living proof of the impossible, right? And I didn't kind of go into this journey to be like, I'm going to prove them all wrong. I just like wanted to live my life.

Right.

But, you know, we're living proof. There are hundreds, thousands, millions— I'm not really sure on that data— but there are people all around you that have healed, that have healed from PTSD, that have healed from past trauma. Now, not everyone is going out there and saying, hey world, I've healed, because it's a very intimate journey, right? Because the conversation on mental health is very, very new, and I had to be talked pretty thoroughly. Brad talked me into this over breakfast to even do this as a profession, right? So I wanted to help people, but I was— he was like, you have to help people on a global scale. And I was like, Brad, no, no way, because I just want to live my life. And this is so like— this is such a point of vulnerability. I don't want people to know I was hurt. I don't want to like— I don't want people to know that I had PTSD. Like, I just want to go out and live my life and help people one-on-one. And help people personally that I know.

I don't want to talk about this for the rest of my life.

Rest of my life.

You know how hurt I was.

And he took me to breakfast and he convinced me otherwise. And I'm so glad that he did because, you know, since then we've, we've helped so many different people around the world, hundreds and hundreds of people around the world with this message. And I think I didn't realize how badly people needed to see that and hear that and have someone to kind of look to, to say like, oh, that person has done it. That person is out there, not only just like giving advice, but that person has done it. The things that I want, that person has done it. And it's really, really special. And I'm honored and super grateful to be in the position to be that person. And at the same time, I want you to know there are other people out there who have done it. Not everyone just makes that their entire life, right?

Mm-hmm.

People just go on with their life and go on with their profession or whatever it is. And that's excellent. And there's nothing I want more than them for that. But they are there, and I think that's the important thing. Just because— this is interesting. Remember, well, you don't probably remember, but you ever heard of object permanence? Brad has a young niece right now. She just turned 1, and I don't know where she is in regards to her development. I haven't spent a ton, ton of time with her recently, but object permanence is basically the idea of you understand that an object still exists Even if it's not in eyesight. So right now we're in a closed office. I understand that my car will be outside, hopefully, when I look back outside, right? That, you know, my dog is, is on the couch. Like, even though I can't see those things, I know that they're there because I have this understanding of object permanence. Just because you can't see people or you don't know that people have healed does not mean they're not There. They are there. Maybe this is the first podcast that you're listening to and you're like, whoa, okay. Or maybe you've listened to this a bunch and that's excellent as well. There are people all around you that you would not have any idea who have been through this journey, who have healed. They are there. Just because you can't see them, just because they're not all over the news, uh, doesn't mean they're not there.

Yeah. And one thing that I say, we, uh, But I mean, Kayleen is she's going. She's is the are you going to release the first one this week? The success interview. Something that she's doing to kind of help build that belief and show that hey, healing is possible, progress is possible, is that she's going to be releasing interviews with some of our successful clients. Literally just a conversation back and forth over Zoom that will show you. And be proof of the progress that is being made by real people who have gone through real shit and they've made it out the other side. So that's something to look forward to.

You can look, look for that on our YouTube channel. Our YouTube channel is Overcoming PTSD. But that was part of this, this—

Or our website.

Or our website.

If you go to overcomingptsd.com and go to the resources section, there's literally, literally going to be a navigation button under the resources section that says interviews. And that's where all of the interviews are going to go, that's where you should go if you don't really believe in recovery. But that's just a great place to just start filling your mind with positive references of like, hey, it is possible. Because most support groups out there, most people out there, most therapists out there, most doctors out there will tell you, hey, it's not possible. Or you— it's likely that you won't be able to live that life. So you need to intentionally find those resources. And that's why we wanted to do these interviews so that you have that resource to listen to, to watch. To see real successful people, not just us, real other people who have succeeded and who are succeeding on this journey.

And so you can resonate with them. Like, if I— like me now, if I walked in at rock bottom to myself and I was like, hey, listen, like, get up, it's gonna be great, you're gonna heal, everything's gonna be fine, it's all possible, I would have flipped me off. I probably would punch me in the face, right? But it is possible, and you don't have to take my word for it, right? Although I prefer if you did. But these interviews, that's the reason that I'm doing them, is to show you that real people just like you are out there making progress. And something I want to point out too, these are only the people that are willing to get on camera. Not everyone is willing to do an interview.

Most people aren't.

Most people are not, honestly, and that's fine. So like, how we know that people heal is we have a survey, um, or we have surveys and kind of things throughout the program to kind of track their progress and stuff. And at the end And the full end of the program, we get basically sent an email that says, here's their beginning, here's their ending, and they share their distress level, you know, however many months they started the program ago, and then what it is now, and like how they would rate the program, and if they're willing to do like an interview and things like that. And so, you know, we see all the time like these emails come through of like, this person started with an 8 average distress level and now it's a 0. And they're not willing to do an interview, but they're so so grateful, and they write something really really sweet, and they rate the program five stars, and they're just not willing to get on camera about it. And I totally get that. If I was in their position and I was following me, I probably wouldn't get on camera either. So I just want to even point out that these are not the only people that heal. These are the people that heal and that are making progress, that are willing to do something like that. And I'm so grateful for them because they really help us push our mission along to show you. That it is possible to heal, and so that you can hear it from different people and resonate with different people. It's so, so, so special.

Yeah. Are you gonna upload them to the podcast?

I wasn't going to.

You should.

Okay. All right. So maybe we'll do that.

We're gonna upload them to the podcast. So if you're listening on Apple or wherever else, Spotify, whatever it is that you listen to the podcast to, look forward to those interviews because we are going to upload those to them and. You have quite a few already set up. There's you have another one today. You did one last week, and I have one next week. And then I have three more I just written wrote down that I want you to do. Awesome. So he's the boss. No, because I think it's important enough for you guys to hear, and I think it's just good content audio content as well.

Yeah.

You know, just to to listen.

It's good input.

Yeah.

And it's it's really interesting to hear people speak. I mean, it's so special for some of the interviews that I'm doing. It's the first time that I'm quote-unquote meeting people face-to-face, and it's, it's such a special experience. It's such a unique experience for myself as well. It's always so much fun and so sweet to see people that are willing to share, because again, I had to be convinced pretty thoroughly.

Yeah.

So to see people willing to do that is amazing. So for those of you who are doing success interviews with me, thank you in advance, and Thank you so much for being willing to put your heart out there and, and help us.

Yeah.

Help us help, help you all that are listening to this. So that's what we have for myths. If you want to know more about healing, you can go to overcomingptsd.com/call and you can book a call to get in a personal one-on-one custom tailored consultation so we can help you figure out where you are now, figure out where you want to be, those goals that we talked about, and help you bridge the gap in between those 2 things. So I love you. I believe in you at the highest level, and I look forward to seeing you in our next podcast.

See you later.