Here’s Your Wake-Up Call — Time Waits for No One

Can you see it? Can you see it? There we go. All right. Hey everyone. 2 years ago, I started making a series and it's actually still on YouTube. It's a 6-week, 40-day thing I did. I was making videos for myself, posting them online to establish my Maslow's hierarchy of needs. And that may sound ridiculous. Coming from a 31-year-old woman's mouth at the time. Now I'm 33. Um, but here's the deal. I grew up in covert narcissism and it nearly made me a psychopath. Like, I think I actually may have been a psychopath and I would identify with being an addict, just not to substance. So if this is hooking you right now and you're resonating, please stick around because I have Done the gambit. I've done the whole, the whole thing. Like, I, I think I am very confident in saying I have gone down, dove deep into my psyche to uproot all the things that have— that were keeping me in that space, in what comes from being Coercively controlled. So where does this story begin? Because I have so many stories, and I just also feel really called to do this same kind of series again. Like, I need to be on camera sharing my story with you guys. I know there's a lot of people that have seen bits and pieces, and I've written a lot, um, but hearing it from my mouth is different, right? So here I am, and it's gonna be very Down to earth and chill. And we are in bed. I'm in bed doing this because that is a big part of the story and where I'm going to start the story for this video. My wake-up call. My wake-up call was September 13th and 14th, 2023, and that was the night I was assaulted in my sleep in Austin, Texas. And I had been locked in a room of a vacation rental. By the host, I woke up the next morning seeing drug paraphernalia in my room. It was not there the night before. I can describe it to you. I'm I've kicked myself to this day for not taking that evidence into the police department. But the thing is, even with the evidence that I had of yeah, I got home and now I have three contracted viruses. Hmm. And I was locked in my room at this vacation rental. They didn't do much. And it took 11 months for them to finally kind of catch up with the fact of what I was trying to say, of what I— you know, because when you go through an experience like this in life, When you get attacked and your life is threatened, you, your brain, all your brain is doing is trying to keep you alive. Your system is only trying to help you survive. That is its baseline requirement. It is not trying to do anything more than that. And so that means anything that you are Sharing. If there is a threat to sharing the information of what feels weird, of what feels off, right? You are only going to share that when you feel safe. And that's why I have done a deep dive into voice work and holistic voice coaching, because when I felt safe with myself was when I was able to uncover a 15-year suppressed memory. That was keeping me stuck in survival mode, chaotic reactivity, trapped me into complex post-traumatic stress disorder. So really what I'm getting at and what I'm trying to say is my wake-up call was 3 years ago, and we are just past the 3-year anniversary, which is wild. And I actually stayed home. I sang that day, actually, and then sang 2 more times that week, which was really nice to be able to do that in those— in that same time frame of what that trip was a couple years ago in Austin. But yeah, so my wake-up call to something severely off with my life was getting attacked And to this day, I don't know if I actually died. I had this dream that night that was so far— like, my soul was so far out from my body is what I'm getting at. I was not, I was not in the room. I wasn't. During the attack and what that does to you. I feel like this is all over the place, I'm sorry. I'm— it's been a minute since I've made a video like this where I'm not like preparing all this material and stuff. Um, you— when you're— when your soul is out of your body And then it's coming back into your body. It's very, um, spacey for a while. Um, it took a minute for it to register and settle in, but I actually developed, uh, adjustment disorder with anxiety and got that diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I ended up doing EMDR. EMDR. In early 2025. I think that's when that was. And that was after everything had kind of caught up. So the thing about this wake-up call, there was so much adrenaline rush happening, right? Because you are— you're just trying to survive. And you're also trying to move forward from the experience and not let that experience determine rest of your life. So something for me, and you know, if you know where Day One comes from, um, I resonate with this. You can think whatever you want about this, this company, the owner, all that stuff, but the Day One concept of you are doing your best from day one, or you're saying no from day one, that's what it was for me. When I Knew something was off that next morning when I woke up, and I had only had about 5 or so hours of sleep, and that was under a— under some kind of drug. I was pricked with a needle, um, and that's how they assaulted me in my sleep. I think it was ketamine. Um, that's just an intuitive thing for me of Having seen it and just, it's an easy street drug to get. I don't know anything about drugs. I've never done drugs myself. I've used prescription drugs once and— or 3 times because of getting my wisdom teeth out and then to get to reset a baseline for anxiety and depression back in 2017, 2018, somewhere around there. But aside from that, I've, I've never used prescription drugs. And so I'm here to tell you, if you want to move forward from your experiences, you can. I'm here to show you that, um, and to show you how your voice is a huge factor in that outcome. It's the main factor, actually, of what you say becomes your life. And Also the thoughts that you think, because your thoughts really kind of are what you say, but it's just what's swimming around in your conscious and your psyche. And so, yeah, I had this wake-up call after, you know, years of just trying to, trying to Why was this my wake-up call? Because I had been through so much trauma already. I had been through so much, and I had just uncovered my 15-year suppressed memory that summer. And this 15-year suppressed memory happened when I was 15 years old. Because I remembered that, I was able to remember— I was able to remember all the rest of these traumatic experiences from my childhood. And the thing about trauma is like, it's— I say that and like when, when you hear the terms trauma and childhood together, people's minds automatically go to like, you know, physical harm, abuse, all of that stuff. That's not what I dealt with. At all. I dealt with coercive control, um, overt and covert narcissism. My parents, as much as I love them, they were not healed when they got married. They were not healed when they had kids. That's just the truth. That is the truth of the matter. And having children grow up In that unhealed environment of 2 people in coping and survival mode, doing their best at that capacity, right? You still, as a child, end up in these scenarios and situations because your parents are trying to survive themselves. And every parent is trying to survive, right? I think there's a lot of households and families, and I know this for a fact because of my best friend of 30 years. You can— you can work on yourself to have the capacity. You can improve your life so that you have the capacity to not abuse. Your kids, to not misuse your kids, to not ever disrespect your kids and their autonomy. And like I said, I love my parents. And the thing that kids want for their parents is them to be whole, for them to be happy. And the thing about how I grew up Is situations would happen where I was kind of picked out of the crowd of us 4 kids, and it, it was like the trauma dump happened on me. And so, and it probably happened to all of us, um, but I don't, I don't know that my other siblings have so suppressed trauma from our childhood. I do. That's what I'm getting at. Um, maybe, I don't know. Um, the fact that I have had— that I struggled and had CPTSD for so many years, that's what I'm getting at. And it's because of my childhood. It's because of the things that happened in my childhood that were dismissed By my, by either one or both parents. And then the community at large around us didn't know, that sort of thing. So what I'm getting at is my wake-up call at 30 years of age was this wake-up call of, oh my gosh, it's up to me whether the trauma stays in my life or not. It's up to me. I get to say no. Because seeing myself, I believe 100% I was, I was raped in my sleep. I hesitate when I say that because it's hard for me to say it. And never in a million years growing up did I ever think I was going to be in that position. There's a lot of self-betrayal that I have to face when I share that with others and when I admit to it myself. It was my wake-up call because it was like the needle of, of how much I could bear of traumatic experiences kept going up, kept going up, kept going up. And I guess that was the line, is the thing. And that's, you know, that's pretty sad. It's like, wait a second, like, that experience that you went through wasn't the threshold, or that one, or that one. It was this, like, your life being threatened, you know? And it's like You can't get mad at yourself for that, is the thing. You really can't. All you can do is just accept yourself for where you were at at the time, for what you knew, and then keep moving. Um, but that's why it was my wake-up call, because it was just such a It was just such a freaking atrocity. Like, how is this happening to that person? Like, how is that hap— how did that happen to me? Um, and to really look at myself in the mirror and be like, really, actually, like, sort this out. You gotta sort this out. You got to figure out how you ended up there and not hyperfixate, not get all lost in the whys and pity yourself and, and all this stuff, but to just really look at it strategically and methodically of if you want your life to be different from here on out, what is it you have to do? And that for me was saying no from day one, where It was just a no, that was wrong. I'm gonna figure out how to not go back to this place. And I ended up staying with a— I was in Austin for a conference and I stayed with the woman who I met on the way in the doors that morning. I walked into the hotel where the conference was being held and Met this woman on the way in, and she was like a different ethnicity of me. It was like walking in with my twin, and we had some stuff in common. You know, it's a people who just get it when you've been around, worked with, or raising individuals with autism or other disabilities. Like, it's a. You know, it's a it's a different bond to have with people, and you only have it if you've worked or you've raised kids with it. So anyways, really special to have met this woman, and then by the end of the day had some conversation around it. I was like, yeah, I don't I don't think I should go back to this place and. Then she offered, you can come stay with me, I have a spare room. I was like, okay, great. And that's, that's the thing. It's like, there's safe strangers, there's not safe strangers. And your intuition, your gut always knows is a thing. And yeah, what else? That was 3 years ago. 3 months before that experience was the uncovering of my traumatic memory, and I think I'll share that for another video. Um, what I'm getting at though, again, is just I'm a 20-year vocalist and— 20-plus-year vocalist. I've been singing since I was I'm 33 now. I've been singing since I was 10. I don't know, like 10 for fun around home and in school. And then it really— I got serious about it in middle school and then kept going with it high school and beyond. Um, studied it in college. And so I've— I was also, you know, my parents' theologian Philosophers, like teachers. And so with my experience with the whole melded with narcissism and, and things and how that hijacks your voice, being scapegoated, I, I just have such— I just have I have such a big conviction is a thing to make people. I can't make them do anything, but to help them realize it's your voice. It is 100% your voice. What you say you want, what you say you're going to do, is what sets the intention for your life. I am is the command you need to use every single day because when you say. I am not good enough, you will lean into the opportunities, the pathways, the, the people who see you as not good enough. As opposed to, I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy, I am loved. You say those things to yourself, you will believe them, and you will lean towards those opportunities where you are worthy, where you are loved, where you are valued. It is that simple. It is literally, literally that simple for your brain. Um, and that's just the thing, we overcomplicate it. And I think a lot— the, the thing is, the thing is, and I'm so excited to share some other stories and get to some other videos with you guys, but the thing is You're— if you worship your own psychology, if you worship your own memory bank, if you worship your own wheelhouse of operating, you're way off. You're way off. And I'll— I'm happy to call you out on it, is the thing. I've made the mistake. Like, I definitely have, and I've had the perfect example of that as well. So, I hope that makes sense. What I'm saying is, when when you think that you have to have it all figured out before you do anything. Before you implement anything, you're not living life at all. Um, you're— you are standing back in observatory mode, right? And that's— I mean, that becoming a way of life is the saddest fucking life you could ever live. The saddest. And this is coming from someone who's been there. I've been there. I, I've definitely— I definitely struggle with self-isolation. Um, and balancing though, it's, it's such a— it's such a freaking thing. It's like, you, you know, you need a lot of space. I'm someone that needs a lot of space on my calendar. I need blank space, and I need that for a few reasons of just my soul is calling for it. My soul wants to know I'm safe with not knowing what's going to be on the agenda for the day. It's some— it's very— it's a very tender underbelly thing for me to have that. But also it's— oh shoot, what was I gonna say? Also, yeah, blank space. And man, I completely lost it. Anyways, I'll keep— I guess I'll keep going. Um, you're, you're always learning. You are always learning, and the day you stop learning is the day you stop Living. Um, yeah, because we keep aging. That's the thing. It's like, if we keep aging, life continues. So to enjoy life, you have to keep learning. There is not a beautiful reality that doesn't exist with you staying in the same state, on the same principles from the past of what served you when you were 5, of what served you when you were 15, of what worked to help you to survive. There is not a beautiful reality. If you do not grow and develop and evolve past those seasons of your life. Took me years to learn that. It's still settling. The dust on that one is still settling. But, um, Yeah, if you— I don't know who I'm talking to with this, but I know someone's gonna fall on this and you're gonna click around, get to know me through my blog, through my socials, that sort of thing, my music. Please listen to my music. Keep your feet on the ground. Just keep your feet on the ground. Um, someone said to me earlier this summer, idle hands make idle minds. And it's that kind of concept. Like, you don't always have to be doing something physical with your hands, but it's just the fact that, like, life doesn't stop. Time waits for no one. And if you need more time Like me, I need more blank space on my, on my calendar. All you have to do is set the intention to create that reality. There's no fighting is what I'm trying to get at. Like, there's no wrestling. You have to compete in order to get those things into place, but that's healthy. But there's no, like— you do not have to suffer. Your mind doesn't have to suffer. And this is coming from the girl who was shown at 9 years old a horrific graphic film, The Passion of the Christ. Story for another day, but I was conditioned into believing That I had to suffer. And that's why getting assaulted in the worst way, in my sleep, in my most vulnerable state, when I was 30, was my wake-up call. And it's a relief. It is such a relief to finally wake up and say it's a new day. So wherever you are, whoever you are, Enjoy your day. That's it. I'll see you in another video soon.