6 secrets to raising appreciative kids

We've all been there when our kids nag us to give them stuff or seem totally unappreciative to what we do for them and all that they have. We think, you've got so much and all you do is nag me for more. I do so much for you. And yet when I ask you to tidy your toys away or put your clothes in the dirty laundry basket, you moan and say no. You are going to love today's episode, 6 Secrets to Raising Appreciative Kids. My guest is Nicole Thompson, author of Little Things: Finding Gratitude in Life's Simple Moments. More about Nicole in a moment, but you are going to love the tips that we give you, especially coming up to the festive season when I want, I want is even more prevalent. I worked on instilling gratitude and appreciation when my 4 kids, now all adults, were little, and I do really notice it paying off. I have not been perfect with this, and nor are they perfectly appreciative and grateful. But with the secrets that we are giving you today, I want you to get practical ideas and inspiration for your family. I mean, let's face it, we all fear raising teenagers and young adults with a sense of entitlement. So I urge you to work on this. You are also going to want to catch the question of the week. Which I cover at the end. It came from one of my Instagram followers who asked, my 6-year-old only thinks of himself and always wants more. So if we buy him a set of football cards, he immediately wants another set, and he wants to show off to his friends how many he has. But as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So Nicole, I am thrilled to have you here today. I love your books, your blog, and generally your, your, your products, which I know you're going to talk about. And your outlook on life. So I'm really excited to be discussing this topic with you. Um, maybe you'd like to say a little bit more about you.

Sure. Thank you so much, Camilla. I'm very happy to be here. Uh, grateful for you and reaching out to me. I, I am a teacher and a mom myself, and I have two children, ages 13 and 14 now. And like you, I, I have tried everything I can to instill the gratitude aspect in my children so that they grow up to be the happiest and like most authentic versions of themselves, just enjoying life. And, um, but with that, I, you know, kids are kids and we see, we see the side where I want, I want. Um, and that's very normal that we're growing up in a world of materialism and abundance and everything like come bombarding them. So, um, I think it's pretty normal for parents to be wondering about this topic and I am looking forward to talking about it.

Brilliant. Okay. So, um, first up, I know that you had something, um, that you feel is important. Um, and I, you called it be a model. So when we're helping our kids to be grateful and appreciative. Tell us about being a model?

I think it comes down to like, when you're grateful, you want to say it out loud. Show the kids, like, even when you're walking, oh, I love the smell of the air right now. Do you smell it? You know, the birds are singing. Like, just notice things around you and openly talk about it because the kids might not be noticing any of that, but when you bring their attention to it, they're going to be like, oh yeah, I guess it is nice outside today. Um, you know, and so just the more you can say and do and show them, even like gratitude journaling. My kids know I have my journal. Um, I don't force a journal on them by any means, but sometimes my daughter will write in one. Um, my son did when he was a bit younger. And, uh, but they see me doing it and my journal is always out in the living room. And so I'm kind of modeling that, looking for the good in, right?

Yeah. I love that. And you've also talked about going on a nature walk with them, you know, like as an adult. And, and I mean that, I just found that really inspiring and it's, it's, I look back and think, I wish I'd done more stuff like that. Do you just wanna speak a tiny bit about that?

Sure.

Yeah.

I think it's so important about like to focus on the little things that can bring us joy, right? It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be going to the movies and spending $100 on popcorn and You know, it can be popping some popcorn in your microwave and making movie night special at home. It can be taking them out when it changes the seasons is especially fun because you notice so many things and it's exciting to be outside and the change of the seasons. I love to bring seasonal things into my house, get the kids excited for, for different times of the year and it kind of becomes traditions. And so I think just, just kind of embracing those little mundane things in life and making them a little more exciting for the kids.

Great. I love it. I love it. Okay. So, um, I want to also add in a number 2, a second way to help kids be more grateful and appreciative. Um, and it's about staying positive. Now, I know that sort of feeds into what you just said, Nicole, but we can slip into, and this is no judgment on any parent because sometimes we're just not very mindful about this. But we can slip into sort of complaining about things, or maybe having a moan about another person or something that we've got. We might say, oh God, this is a lousy car. I wish I had a Mercedes like so-and-so has. And I think we've just got to be very, very careful about that because they are absolute sponges for us. They do pick up, they've got radar antennae for everything that we do and say. So, we can still have our moans, but I would say keep it to moaning to another adult and just watch out what we say about people as well, or even about other children. You know, we could easily slip into saying, you know, oh God, that child's a brat. And we just need to be careful that they will then be more critical and more judgmental of others when we say it like that. You know, we could say things like, you know, oh, that woman on the PTA drives me crazy. You know, she's never on time. And again, they will just absorb that and pick it up. So I would just say within their earshot, stay sort of gracious and positive about people. I mean, I know my kids. Would kind of moan to me a bit about that. You know, they would say things like, um, so I, they might have a moan about another child. Oh, he's useless at football. Uh, shouldn't be on the team. And, and I would say, well, you know, um, perhaps he hasn't practiced with his daddy like you, or maybe he just loves being on the team, or she loves being on the team because she just likes to play. Um, even if she's not that good at it. And they would say, oh, can't, you know, she's just useless. And I would still just come back to you. And I do think that has had an impact. You know, none of us are perfect. It is very tempting to talk badly about people. Um, but I will also always say to my kids, you know, if you talk badly about people to your friends, I wonder what they might say to you. So it's just this whole idea that we're mindful, as you've already said, as being well models, and the more positive we can be about life, about what we do have, um, about other people, and keep our moans to, um, as much as possible, uh, to moaning to another adult rather than our children. Even if it isn't to our children, they hear, they notice it.

I can relate to that because my daughter's very competitive and she's in elementary sports still. And so there are some girls on the team that don't really want to be on the team, right? They kind of have to be during gym class. And she gets very frustrated when she comes home. Mom, so-and-so wasn't even trying and we lost. I'm like, so I say, you know, I try to let her know that is frustrating. Like, I can see you're very competitive and you, you know, you take this seriously. And then I remind her that it is, you know, good thing it's just grade 8 gym.

Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing on the line here.

I love it. I love it. Um, I hope we're ready. If this is resonating, you don't forget to just hit subscribe. Subscribe or hit follow if, if you're enjoying this and want more. So over to you, this is point 3 on, on helping us to, to raise this sense of appreciation and gratitude with our children. So Nicole, limit materialism. Do you want to say a little bit more about that? Sure.

And I'm not a minimalist by any means. My kids get lots of gifts at Christmas and all of that. Um, but we do limit just buying things to have special occasions. You know, I'm not one that's going to take my children to a toy store on a random Tuesday and just, if they say, I want that, just get it for them. No, there has to be a reason in our house to buy things. Um, if it's like a family game or something, that might be a little different if we're out as a family and, oh, let's, let's get a new game and we'll play that tonight. That's a little bit different. But as far as like, oh, I want this. Okay. We'll buy it for you. Um, we're very— we rarely do that.

And why? Tell me why you think that's important.

Well, I think because they devalue what they have, and there's so much of it too. If, you know, things like Christmas and birthdays, um, become less meaningful for the gift— if they're always just getting gifts anyways, right? Um, there's nothing valuable about receiving a gift or saving up your money to buy something special. If you just get everything you ask for, um, you're taking that away from your kids, right? That whole value in what they— and it makes them think of, what do I really want? If I'm only going to get one thing, you know, do I really want that and that and that? Like, um, so, you know, just, I've just always been that way with them since they were very little. Um, yeah, we don't— I, it was just always, no, we're not buying those today when they were young and just Yeah, they don't ask me anymore when we go out. They never ask me to buy them something.

Yeah. I mean, it's interesting. Um, in, in a minute, I'll actually say how, um, you can get my guide on helping kids do acts of kindness. But one of the things that I've noticed is that it then helps them to kind of figure out how the world works. Um, and as adults, you know, again, I, my children are now, my youngest is 19. Um, they're away from home, they're at university and beyond. And, um, when they want something, they have to earn it. Um, like actually earn the money. Um, and they don't come to me immediately and ask for stuff. And then when they get it, uh, they really feel that sense of achievement. And that's what we want. We want our children, instead of having this sense of entitlement, we want them to have a sense of achievement, a sense of working towards something, and not that expectation that, you know, I've seen something in the toy shop and I'm just going to get it because, and you know, it's so hard because sometimes it can be really hard to say no, but it's actually what I will always encourage parents is think long term. We might get, which is often what we want from our children, that initial surge of love and appreciation. Oh, thank you so much. Oh my God. You know, you've just given me the best thing in the world. So we might get that initial gratification, but what we want for us is to delay the gratification. Um, and also for us to know that yes, we can delay the gratification. Of that thrill, but for, you know, that we get from buying them something, we can also delay that. Um, and it's actually for the greater good. It's for the greater good of our children and also for the planet because, oh my goodness, there's so much stuff thrown away.

And I think in place of the material things, if we're, we're replacing those with experiences and doing things together, so we're putting the focus on family game night or movie night or whatever it might be. Um, we, again, going back to holidays, we tend to do fun theme dinners for every season. And so my kids just kind of know, oh, it's fall, we're going to be doing Halloween cookies and then we're going to be having Halloween appetizers. You know, we just do a lot of that kind of stuff and they love that. And it doesn't cost any extra money because you're already cooking dinner. You know, you just change, change the shapes of things. So you can do things really easily. And I probably do fall into the trap a little bit where I do spend some of my money on fun decorations, or, you know, and that's where I'd rather spend the money to do, make it feel almost like a little festive party in our house. Um, and making those, as opposed to going out and buying a toy from the store, like you said, they're going to forget about in a month. They remember these dinners and these parties we have. Um, yeah, yeah, they do.

They absolutely do. Um, so that's great. Okay, so, uh, next up I want to talk about encouraging small acts of kindness. Now, again, that, you know, this will feed in if, listen on because we're, you and I are going to talk about that question of the week. How do I stop my kids from asking for stuff all the time and encourage the kindness? But you get more of what you focus on. So I will always encourage parents to catch those moments because they will be there. Even if it's just that, you know, they handed their sister a cookie or they gave their friend something. So we want to always catch it and mention it and reinforce it. So, um, I think that's really, really important. But, and children really love being validated and they, they, they thrive on when we notice and mention the things that they're doing right. So just that in itself will encourage more acts of kindness. But if they are resistant, which they might be, so say, you know, you want them to send Grandma, Grandma's been unwell and you want them to send Grandma a card. You know, they might go, oh, busy. Oh, I don't want to. But if we focus on the impact of it rather than you've got to do it. So, you know, when Grandma gets your card, she's going to think about you. It's going to fill her heart with love that you sat and drew her that drawing or wrote that card for her. Maybe she'll even show it to Grandpa. That can help tip them. It can help just put it in the, um, the, give them kind of perspective on it, uh, give them a purpose to it. So, you know, if they're reluctant to share their toy with their little sister, you know, when you share your toy with your sister, she looks up to you as a role model. Again, that positions it, not you've got to just share with her because that's what being kind is. It's the impact of it. And that can definitely have, you know, Often we can also talk to them about, you know, when we share, we feel like we've lost something. Um, but actually it will often make us feel so good to do it. I remember I had really instilled this and my son was at a football, um, holiday camp and I went to collect him at the end of the day and he had got, um, a little bag of sweets as a reward. He'd earned, you know, he'd won the prize and, um, his friend hadn't got anything. And on the way out, his friend was crying that he didn't get anything. And I, my, uh, my jaw dropped. Nico didn't just say you can have some of mine. He literally gave them all to his friend. And he, you know, again, I don't want to like sound like I'm gloating or that I had the perfect child, but It was again about the fact that we had shown him that actually the gain is to give rather than keep sweets for yourself. And I think then they wound up sharing them, but he had wanted to give them to his friend. So, um, it does pay off often at the moments when you weren't at least expecting it. Um, so yeah, it's, it's a, you know, it's a great way of raising them if we can in a busy world where we're always feeling guilty. We're always rushing. Uh, we are, you know, often worrying about our children, but things that we do do pay off. So the fifth way to get our kids to be more appreciative, Nicole, over to you.

So this one is about having those conversations about the good things that happened in your day. And sometimes it'll be about the not so good things because we're going to have to deal with them and help our kids through them. Yeah, it's very powerful at the end of a day, whether it's around the dinner table. Um, I know even at school, my daughter's teacher does the rose and thorn. Everyone talks about the rose of their weekend and the thorn of their weekend when they get back on Mondays. Um, and a lot of parents have done this. I've heard about, you know, give us your thorn and rose of the day. But by having those conversations, not only are you connecting with them and it just keeps building that relationship, um, but you're getting a You're getting like insights into their life and what's important to them. What things are they focusing on? Like, hence my daughter with her thorn is always sports related in gym. Um, and so, you know, that as a parent, I'm like, okay, I didn't realize she was so competitive in, right? Like I'm, I'm learning a lot about her because we talk about things that are nuts in the day. Um, but to be able to go back and be like, well, what was the best thing about today? Your mind is going through. Good things that happened.

Yeah.

And it's instilling that, those feelings of gratitude about your day, the good thing. And when you replay all the good at the end of your day, it sets you up for a better sleep, a better day in the morning, like the next morning. Um, and so like, there's so much brain science behind this where we replay the good.

Yes.

I think it's important to just try to instill that in our kids that no matter what happened today, where you can always find good things about it. Yes. And obviously not just putting the bad things under the rug, but yes.

Yeah. I love that. I mean, it's sort of a bit glass half full, isn't it? And you know, we are genetically programmed to remember danger and the bad, um, it protects us, but actually it's such an ancient part of the brain that we, we, you know, we've realized now we're not, they're not tigers around us. That actually to train ourselves to notice and mention and kind of, you know, this glass half full really does help us to remember it, feel good about it. And like you say, it has the impact on the sleep, on the next day, on their levels of confidence and satisfaction. Kids like that are more able to bounce back. They're more able to volunteer for stuff, even if they're frightened that they might mess it up. They're more, they're more able to make mistakes because they've got this sort of pool of positivity that they can draw on, even when, like you say, it's not just about ignoring the thorns, but even when the other kid on the team has let them down. They can still remember the 5 things that went well that day and gain from that, just, you know, gain confidence from remembering that. Lovely. Okay. So if you've been enjoying this so far, don't forget to hit follow and subscribe. And we're also coming on to the question of the week. Just before we do that, I just wanted to say I have a freebie that particularly great at this time of year. It's 24 Acts of Kindness, how to encourage your kids to be more grateful. And you go to my website, myparentingsolutions.com, and just forward slash kindness to get that. Nicole, I know you have ways of us getting in touch with you and accessing all the lovely things that you have on offer. Do you want to just quickly say that? Sure.

Yep. They can go to my website at thefulfilledclassroom.com. Um, I'm also The Fulfilled Classroom on Instagram and Facebook. I do have a freebie. It's on the homepage of my website, actually, 5 Days of Gratitude. Um, and there's, there's a few freebies on the website, um, under thefulfilledclassroom.com/resources. And, uh, yeah, I would, I would love nothing more than to connect with some of your listeners and provide them with more gratitude resources.

Fantastic. And I'll drop this in the show notes as well. So finally, number 6, in terms of ways of discouraging materialism, encouraging gratitude, I call it beyond the initial thrill. So what will often happen, and we have the same thing, we get a dopamine hit. From purchasing something, something new. And, um, we feel like we just need it so much. Um, and kids are more impulsive and, you know, are less able to delay their gratification. But if we can sort of point out things— and my youngest, probably not my eldest and my youngest, were probably the most materialistic in, in our house, but were, much less so now actually. But if we can sort of point out that doll that they desperately wanted that is now at the bottom of the toy box, that set of cards that they were so desperate for, or, you know, things that have broken that were kind of crappy in the first place. And what we've got to be careful about, we want to point it out in a non-accusatory way. Because the minute we start to accuse, they shut down and they don't want to know. But if we say, you know what, it's interesting. Do you remember how much you wanted that toy? And now you're just not so interested in it. And I kind of empathize here. We do that. We feel like it's going to make our life so much better to have it. And in fact, it doesn't. So it's, it's conversations like that, um, that this short-term gain that I talked about at the beginning. Um, really is a short-term thing. Um, and you know, like you said, uh, which I just think is such a valid point, it's the memories of things that they've done. Maybe sitting with them and doing— a lot of my listeners have got much younger kids, but making a tea party for the dolls that they have. Um, you know, mine used to really like that. We'd make little tiny sandwiches and little tiny drinks. And that was a really fun thing to do. Again, I realize we're all very busy and we don't always have time for this, but rather than going out and buying the new doll, just making sure that we make the most of the things that they do have. Um, one thing is a real bugbear for me, and I know I got into this, is, is comics. So, um, I know we talked about this earlier, so they're sold in the newsagents, in petrol stations. And they are absolutely designed to be attractive for kids because they plonk on the front something that the kid will want that's plastic. Um, and they're usually £4 or £5. Uh, and what happens is the child pulls that toy off, it lasts 10 minutes, the magazine gets tossed aside, they don't even use it. So I encourage parents that I work with, and this is something that I did myself, is Tell your child, look, I will put that money in a piggy bank for you, and let's see what you can do with it by saving it. Sometimes we might encourage them to do, buy something for someone else, give it to charity, or buy something for them that's much more meaningful than the, than the plastic, well, than the comic and the plastic rubbish on the front. So, um, you know, I hope so far that that has been really useful. Um, as we said earlier, uh, remember to hit follow and subscribe. Nicole, um, The Fulfilled Classroom, and I know you also have, um, Amazon stuff. Is that right?

Yes, I have journals on Amazon. Um, you can search my name, Nicole Thompson author, and my page will come up. I do have it as well on my website. And I'm going to be launching some, by the time this podcast airs, they should be live, my conversation cards for, they're more for preteens, teenagers.

Yeah.

And so they'll be on Amazon under Reflect and Connect. Right.

Right.

Love it.

And I have my 24 ways to encourage kids to be more kind. So if you go to myparentingsolutions.com/kindness, you can get yourself a copy. So just to summarize what we've been talking about today, we've talked about number 1, be a role model. Number 2, stay positive. Number 3 was limit materialism. Number 4, encourage acts of kindness. Number 5 is the rose and the thorn, or what went well, what didn't go so well of your day. And number 6 is look beyond the initial thrill, or take kids beyond the initial thrill. So the question of the week, and I'd love to know your answer to this, Nicole, as well. My 6-year-old only thinks of himself and he always wants more, so if we buy him something, He'll always want the next thing. Um, and he wants to show off to his friends what he's got. So I don't know if there's something you wanted to say to that, or you want me to kick off?

I will, maybe you kick off and I will bounce off of you.

I think it probably feeds into everything that we've been talking about. One of the things that I have noticed is to explain to kids I mean, this takes actually, this is probably a whole other podcast, but, um, if we're placing value of our, our own value on what we have rather than who we are, we're on a bit of a slippery slope with that. So it's really showing kids again in a non-accusatory and, um, non-critical way that they are just perfect. As they are. And friendships, if friendships are reliant on how many football cards we have, then we've got to be kind of helping them to think about the value of those friendships. So it's a big question. And I mean, it's like a, you know, big topic, but it's, we have a really strong influence over our kids, as you've seen. And as I've seen, they'll push back against us, but nevertheless, what we, how we rate, what we say and how and what we model absolutely, um, has an impact. So, um, again, I think it would come to de-emphasizing materialism, um, not talking about all the things that we want to buy, talking about the things that we want to do, um, and just explaining to them like it's about that thrill. What I'm asking, like, what's the thrill that you get from the cards, like what's happening there? And if you didn't have them, what would the worst thing be? And then the acts of kindness, um, I would actually— I, I— this person, she had messaged me on Instagram. I've directed her to, um, you know, learning from my website, that's myparentingsolutions.com/kindness, how we can help them to learn how to be more kind without it being cracking the whip at them and telling them that they're bad for being materialistic. So I don't know if you would say anything else to that, Nicole.

Yeah, I liked what you said about talking about why, like, what thrill is this giving you? Why do you want these? And maybe because I know your listener said they want more, like once they've gotten them, they want more or the next thing, asking them what is more? Going to do for you, right? You have these. Let's say thanks for what we've got because, you know, having some is better than none. You already have some. Let's use these. Um, and sometimes it is, I, I do agree it can be tough love sometimes where you just, you have to make sure you stick to your guns. And if you know this is enough, we don't need any more, making sure you don't fold and or cave and buy them after the temper tantrum or okay, just because they'll buy them for you. Like that's probably we want to definitely stay away from that because then they're learning that that works for—

yes, yes, that's such a good point. Yeah, love, be willing to say no, be willing to be the mean mummy. I mean, I know I've been called, you know, you're the worst mother in the world, you're so mean, why won't you buy it for me, I hate you. Um, and just being willing to take that on the chin and know that for the greater good of your child, um, it's worth not being liked.

Exactly. Especially at that young age, at 6, you have so many more years ahead of you. So it might be rough for a few months where you're instilling this boundary, but to stick to those boundaries because they will, you'll be thanking yourself in the long run.

Yes, exactly. And as you said, you know, it's not healthy for them to have a tantrum and then get you to buy them something. It's just not healthy. Um, they, we need to be okay with their emotions. We need to be, you know, able to just ride it out. Um, not make everything rosy and better for them. Um, and help them get over that and survive without the cards, without the toy, without the magazine, whatever it is. So, okay. Well, thank you so much. Please, uh, everybody that's listening. Rate the podcast, write a review, tell your friends, uh, to listen. It's, um, Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries, in case you haven't realized. Um, and there's past episodes. The next episode will be released in 2 weeks' time. Um, and a massive thank you to you, Nicole. Nicole Thompson, find her on Amazon, uh, buy her books, uh, go to her website, The Fulfilled Classroom. And thank you so much, everybody, for being with us today.