How to help your child bounce back from disappointment

If you've ever experienced your child feeling desperately disappointed and all you wanted to do was scoop them up and make it better, then you're gonna love this episode. Maybe your child wasn't picked for the team, they weren't invited to a party, or didn't get to sit next to their best friend at lunch. Maybe they worked really hard on their spelling and still only got 5 out of 10. It's just so heartbreaking, isn't it? And if you're like many of the parents that I work with, you were left wondering, what on earth am I supposed to do? So in this episode, 5 Steps to Help Your Children Bounce Back from Disappointment, I'm gonna walk you through these 5 practical steps, which includes building their emotional resilience for the long term. But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So I want to say this to you: I really know how strong the urge is to fix it for our kids, but I also know that when we step back and support where Without rescuing, we give our children one of the most important tools in life, the belief that they can handle hard things. So stick around until the end because I'm also answering a listener's question about what to do or say when our child isn't invited to a party and they say, everyone else is invited except me. I thought he was my friend. This exact thing happened to me when my child, when my eldest was 7. So I really, really know how this feels. So I want, we are gonna be looking at why disappointment is so difficult. It is inevitable, but it can feel like a real punch in the gut as a parent, especially when it's our child who's hurting. And for us as parents, it brings up so much guilt, protectiveness, frustration, and even sometimes helplessness. But the truth is we really simply can't protect our kids from every disappointment. What we can do is walk them through it in a way that helps them go stronger and not more fragile, and also not relying on us to fix things. So let's dive in and remember to hit follow or subscribe if you enjoy my podcast episodes, because then you'll get alerted to when the new ones come out. So 5 steps to help your child bounce back from disappointment. Number 1, Acknowledge the feeling. You may have heard me say this before, but I honestly, I can't emphasise it more, how valuable it is to our children when we acknowledge their feelings. We want to let them know that their sadness or frustration is valid. So we might say things like, you really hoped the teacher would pick you for star of the week. That feels so disappointing. When your friend didn't save you a seat at lunch, it really hurt your feelings. I can see that. You worked so hard on your drawing for the art show and it wasn't chosen. That's really tough. Now you may think, well, that's not fixing it for them, but honestly, it really is so helpful for them to realise that all those feelings that they're having is valid. Now, what if we don't agree with what our child is saying? Maybe they say, "Nobody likes me," and we know that they're popular. So instead of rushing in with, "That's not true," again, we need to step in their shoes. For them at that moment, it is true. They are feeling that nobody likes them. We don't know why, and we know that, as I say, they may seemingly have lots of friends, but for them, that feeling is valid. So we can say something like, "You were really feeling left out today. Maybe you felt lonely. It sounds like something happened that made you feel like nobody wanted to play with you." And that, you know, made you feel. You're not agreeing with it. You're not agreeing with the words, but you're validating the feelings behind them. Okay, so listen up because we've got number 2 for helping our kids deal with disappointment. Sit with the sadness. We are so tempted to cheer them up, maybe buy them something. You know, for example, if your child is already upset and then they ask for a toy in the toy shop, or they ask you to go online on Amazon and buy them something, it's so tempting. We know it would kind of shift the mood, lift the mood, and we maybe get that moment of thrill from them. But what it teaches them is, if I feel sad, I need something to fix it. You know, sometimes we do this. It might be a drink or it might be a cake, but really we want our children to be able to have that feeling of sadness and be able to get themselves over it without that something external to fix it. So we might say, you feel really sad because you feel like you really wanted that toy. It's okay to want things and to feel sad when you don't get them. Or, it's so hard when your sister got a present that you were really hoping for. So we are showing them that sadness is survivable and it doesn't need to be rushed away. Now, if you've been listening and thinking, this all makes sense, but I feel really stuck with my child's big emotions or constant disappointments, you don't have to navigate this alone. I do offer a limited number of free discovery calls. Where you can tell me about your unique situation or recommend me to a friend who's got a unique situation, and then we can explore how I might be able to support you and your family. It's a chance to connect, feel heard, and find out whether my private coaching could help you create more calm connection and confidence at home. So all you need to do is go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat. Or see the show notes below to book your call. I'd really love to hear what's going on for you. Number 3 of helping a child bounce back from disappointment, help them becoming more resilient, is help them reflect, not react. So, you know, perhaps they've calmed down and we want to explore what happened. Maybe they were upset about not being chosen for something. What do you think made Star of the Week feel so important to you this week? Was there something that you felt especially proud of, and so therefore you were disappointed that you didn't get chosen? If their work wasn't recognised, what part of your drawing did you love the most? Would you still like to put it on the wall and show it to Grandma when she visits? This kind of gentle reflection helps your child process the disappointment without blaming others or turning it into shame. And also, you know, helping them to see that actually it was still valuable. Their effort was still valuable. A mum that I worked with told me that her daughter had tried so hard all week to earn that star of the week. She was devastated when she didn't get it. We've all been there. We've all had this happen, or if you haven't yet, you certainly will. So instead of stepping in to fix it, maybe ask the teacher if her child could get picked next time. The mum just acknowledged her sadness, and then she asked, what do you think you did this week that was really kind or brave? What do you think you did this week that you were proud of? And that helped her daughter reconnect with her own sense of pride, even in the middle of that disappointment. So again, just remind you, if you'd like to, situation that you would like to talk, do book that free discovery call with me, or see the show notes below for other resources or ways to sign up to my weekly newsletter with lots of extra top tips. So here we are, number 4, support a small next step. This is really helpful because this isn't about trying harder to be picked. It's about helping them reconnect with their own sense of value. So we might say something like, I noticed how kind you were when Mia dropped her things. You worked so hard on that drawing. That shows real focus. So, you know, again, we are focusing on the things that they have done, not the result, which was whether or not they got picked for the star of the week. I'm using star of the week as an example. There are so many other things when children feel disappointed. Ask, what were you proud of? From today. I think I already mentioned that, but you know, what would you do again? Because it felt good, not just about being picked. Carol Dweck, a really eminent psychologist, her research shows that practicing effort and persistence helps children build confidence and resilience, and that's independent of the external reward. And then they begin to believe what I do matters. 'Even if no one noticed,' or, 'What I do makes me feel good, even if it doesn't get recognised.' So moving on with number 5, with hold the moment. Don't rush the outcome. Disappointment really can linger, and that's okay. We might notice that they're still upset the next day, and depending on their temperament, some children do take longer to get over things. You know, it might be that they have seemed fine, but then at bedtime something bubbles up and they raise it again. So we might say something like, "You're still feeling sad about that. That really makes sense. You don't have to be okay with it yet. We can still talk about this." So we are showing our child that, you know, their timeline for healing is valid. They may not bounce back immediately and that you are there to help them through it. So again, if this is really helpful to you, make sure that you hit follow or subscribe so that you get alerted to other podcast episodes. And I'm now gonna come back to question of the week and summary of what we've been talking about today, which will really help it stick in your mind. So the question of the week was, my 5-year-old didn't get invited to a birthday party. And she was devastated. I just didn't know what to say or do. Do email me, camillamcgilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligilligillig We wanna march up to the kid's parent and demand an invite. We want to maybe plot revenge in some way, put on a better party on the same day, or maybe offer our child something to make it feel better, like a present or an alternative outing. But this doesn't actually help them to cope with life's knocks. And honestly, I had this exact same scenario with my son. He hadn't been invited to this boy Ben's birthday party, and he had invited Ben to his own party. Ben had a football party and excluded Nico. It was many years ago, but I still feel the pain. I was so upset for him. I didn't wade in to fix it because I knew that wasn't gonna help Nico. So I said this, and this is what I would advise, uh, the mum that wrote into me. 'You are really feeling left out, and that hurts, doesn't it? It's so hard when it feels like everyone else is included and you are not.' I added in, 'It also feels like such a betrayal, especially when you included him and he's left you out.' Now, we might think, if I say this, isn't it gonna make him feel worse? What if he hadn't even thought about that aspect? My many, many years working with parents and raising my own kids tells me that if the emotion is there and we like fit the puzzle piece to validate it, it will really resonate with our child. And if the emotion isn't there for them, they will just brush it away. But by validating that emotion first, we help our child feel understood. And that is one of the most important things that we can do. As humans, we want to feel understood. And it actually makes it easier for them to process it and eventually move on. And later when, you know, perhaps they've calmed down, we might say something like, it isn't about fixing it, but you know, if it does feel like a bit of a betrayal, we might say something like, you know, are there any other friends that you'd like to invite over sometime? And we might say something like, sometimes it's good to reach out to make new friends. When we don't think that that particular friend is especially loyal. I'll leave it to you to how you think it might help your child, but that might be one way because it gives them a sense of agency without skipping over the sadness. Remember, being excluded hurts, but it's also an opportunity for our child to learn that their self-worth isn't defined by one party or one person's choices. So I'm gonna wrap up and quickly recap what we talked about today. Number 1, acknowledge those tough feelings. Number 2, sit with the sadness. Don't try to sugarcoat it. Don't try to fix things. Number 3, help them reflect, not react. Number 4, support a small next step that helps to build their self-worth. And number 5, hold the moment, don't rush the outcome. These moments might feel small, but over time they really do help to shape our child's self-belief, their emotional confidence, and their resilience, which is such a gift for life. So if this episode helped, please take a moment to follow the podcast. I'd love it if you left a review or shared it with a friend who might be navigating similar parenting moments. It really helps me reach more parents like you who want to raise confident, kind kids with calm and connection. What's coming up next? In the next episode, we're gonna be talking about day camps. It's the time of the year when those summer camps are, are coming up, activity camps or local programs that many parents turn to during the summer break. So whether your child is feeling nervous about going or you are not, just not sure how to choose the right one. I'm gonna share how we prepare our kids for a positive experience and how to consider what's the right fit for them, not just necessarily doing what everyone else is doing. So I hope you've enjoyed today's episode of Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries with me, Camilla McGill, and thank you so much for listening.