Rude Kids? How to teach respect without shaming or punishment

Hello and welcome to today's episode of Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. I'm gonna talk to you today about something that can feel quite uncomfortable, but it really is important. The 3 biggest mistakes that parents make and how to shift them. I say this with absolute compassion because every parent makes these mistakes. I've made them myself. We make them not because we are bad parents, but because we love our children so much and because we are human. And none of us were taught how to be parents, but our kids with their own individual temperaments and personalities didn't come with a manual. I know that you'll have seen that. When you understand why these mistakes happen and you see them with kindness, it becomes so much easier to change, and that change can really transform your relationship with your child. But before we dive in, I want to share the question of the week. That a parent wrote in. They said, my child didn't want to put her coat on. It was cold outside and I wanted her to wear it. I got really frustrated when she refused and I screamed at her, why can't you ever do something that I ask you to do? She yelled back, I hate you, and ran off. It was messy. What should I have done? Well, hands up if you've ever had that moment like that. I I absolutely know I have. So I'm going to come back to this question at the end of today's episode. So make sure that you listen on because it's such a powerful example of the 3 biggest mistakes that we're going to explore today. So keep it in mind as you listen, and you might just hear yourself in the story. But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So let's dive in. Mistake number 1, trying to control instead of guide. As parents, we feel a huge weight of responsibility. We want to keep our children safe. We want them to do well. We want them to be liked. We want them to succeed, to do what we've asked, have an easier life. And underneath that drive to control is usually fear. There's a fear that they're gonna fail. If they're not reading yet, will they get held back in school? They fear that they're gonna get hurt or that things will get, their things will get damaged. Fear that it's going to reflect badly on us as parents. What if they're badly dressed? Will people think that I don't care? Fear that they're going to suffer. If they're not sporty, but they don't go to the extra football, are they going to get teased? So we step in, we micromanage, we tend to over-direct because it feels safer to have that control. But honestly, children aren't designed to be controlled. They are wired to develop independence, to explore, to test things out, and they want to test things out for themselves. So when we control too much, two main things happen. Some kids will push back. They resist, they argue, they ignore us, they tend, they do the opposite to what we've asked them, and maybe they have meltdowns. Other kids may comply outwardly. These are the kids who are what I would call overly obedient. But the problem is they're easy. They do say yes, we can control them with threats and fear, but then they lose confidence in themselves. They doubt their ability to make decisions. And here's something I want to share with you from Dr. Dan Siegel. He's a leading child psychiatrist and author of The Whole Brain Child. He says, Where we focus on control, we lose the opportunity for connection. And really it is the connection, that feeling of our children have of being seen, being heard, being understood, and being trusted. That's what actually encourages real cooperation when they feel connected to us. So it's connection that makes children want to work with us, not against us. I know we've all had this kind of scenario. We tell our 7-year-old exactly how to do their homework. Then what happens is, if they're the feisty ones, the ones that, you know, we say white, they say black, they push the book away and they say, "No, I'm not doing it like that." We insist that our 4-year-old puts their shoes on right now, and they dig their heels in and scream, "No!" We constantly remind our child how to play properly at the playground. Take turns, don't push, and they run off and they might actually do the opposite. And it feels like they're doing it to annoy us, but actually they're doing it because they feel overly controlled. And Dr. Laura Markham puts it so clearly. She says, the truth is you can't control another person without creating resistance. The more you push, the more they push back. And again, I've had this with my own children, and I'm sure you have too. The harder you pushed, the more your child dug their heels in. It is completely natural. None of us like feeling controlled, and our children are really no different. But the beautiful thing is that when we shift from controlling to guiding, showing trust, offering choices, being their coach, That's when they will often start to think up, sorry, that's when they start to step up. So think of ourselves not as a boss, but as a coach or a guide or the captain of the ship. That's Susan Stifelman, a coach and author that I admire hugely. That's what she says. So instead of, you need to put your shirt on the other way around, you know, maybe they've put it on inside out, or you can't get dressed under the covers. Try, how do you want to get dressed? Under the covers or sitting on your bed? What works best for you? I'm here to help me if you would like to put the shirt on the right way around. And if they don't, kind of, so what? I know that there are nuances. I'm fully aware of this. We're not giving our children complete choice, but we're not controlling their every move either. And this approach helps our child feel capable, not controlled. So next up, mistake number 2, reacting emotionally instead of responding calmly. Again, we've all done this, but parenting can really feel incredibly personal. When a child talks back, refuses, whines, or is rude, it can really hit something deep inside us. I recommend you listen back to my episode with Bonnie Harris, who wrote When Kids Push Your Buttons and What to Do About It. It was published on the 21st of February, 2025, and you'll really learn a bit more about this. But notice when they refuse to cooperate, these are the, some of the things that we might be feeling. We might be feeling disrespected, unappreciated, powerless, embarrassed, especially in public. So these are our feelings, but often our strong emotional reactions can come also from childhood stuff. Maybe when, when you were a child, backchat just simply wasn't tolerated. So now when your child challenges you, it feels like a threat to your authority. Sometimes without even realizing it, we can link our child's behavior to our sense of how loved or valued we feel as a parent. Now, if you grew up feeling the most accepted when you were good, It can almost feel as if you are failing or as if your child is pushing you away when they misbehave. Of course, that's not what's really happening. They're just a young child struggling with big feelings and a need to have some kind of control. But unless we are aware of it, these old emotional patterns can make us react much more strongly than the situation really calls for. So when we react with yelling, snapping, threatening, we will often escalate the emotional temperature. Our child will feel unsafe, misunderstood, angry, and actually the behaviour usually gets worse. So our 5-year-old whines, "You are so mean," and we snap back, "Don't you dare speak to me like that." Our 7-year-old refuses to clear their plate and we say sharply, "Fine, well then you won't get any pudding." Your 3-year-old throws their puzzle across the room and we immediately yell, "That's it." Timeout, or worse, the naughty step. When we pause, just even 5 seconds, we give our nervous system a little time to settle. It stops that knee-jerk automatic reaction. We choose a response that actually teaches something rather than punishes. And this might sound like, you're really upset. I hear you. We can talk when you're calm. Or wow. "for you to throw that puzzle shows me you're feeling very frustrated. When you are a bit calmer, you can pick up the pieces." I'm not saying that we ignore it, but it's not reacting immediately with that emotional criticism or, you know, just firing back at them threats. We can also depersonalise it. "Plates need cleaning before we have pudding. When you are ready to put it away, I'm happy to give you your ice cream." So we are becoming the calm in their storm, and that's what helps them regulate themselves. If you are finding this useful, please hit subscribe or follow to make sure that you get to be alerted to more of my podcasts. And if you want to get a free guide, go to myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten for a really great guide on building that connection and getting our kids to listen with the GREAT method. So next up, mistake, hold my 3 fingers up, mistake number 3: focusing on short-term obedience instead of long-term growth. I know in the chaos of daily life, sometimes we just want quick compliance. Put your shoes on now, get in the car, tidy your toys. We want things to be smooth. Quiet, efficient, because we are tired, we are busy, we are stressed. And again, underneath that, and this is really useful to be aware of, is a fear. It's a fear of if I don't get a grip, they'll never gonna do what I say. Fear of potentially being judged by others if we are in public. But when we only aim for obedience, we miss the opportunity to build important Life skills, self-discipline, problem solving, emotional regulation. Those are really important for our child's future, much more important than that short-term obedience. Kids may behave to avoid punishment, but then they don't internalize the values or the skills they need to manage themselves when we are not around. They don't develop their own independent decision-making, and they don't develop that internal compass. So our 6-year-old refuses to put away their toys. We threaten to throw them all in the bin. Now they might clean up, but they're going to do it with anger and resentment. Our 5-year-old spills their drink at a friend's house. We might scold them out of embarrassment. They may feel ashamed, but actually they don't learn how to handle mistakes calmly. I'm not saying that we all do this, but perhaps there have been occasions where out of embarrassment, you have reacted in a different way to the way you really know is right for your child. So maybe ask yourself, am I focusing on just this moment or am I teaching for the long term? So instead of demanding immediate obedience, we can coach and connect. I know it's hard to stop playing. Let's work out a system together for tidying up. Perhaps we can put some music on. Spilling things happens. What could you do next time to make sure that you don't spill? Short-term, it may be it's slower. Long-term, it really is transformational. So just again, a quick reminder, if you'd like to get more help from me, To avoid nagging, shouting, or threatening, head over to myparentingsolutions.com/listjustlisten to grab your free guide. Now I'm gonna come back to the question of the week. First of all, if this happened to you, please know you are absolutely not alone. These moments are messy and emotional for every parent. What happened here ties directly to what we've been talking about today. Trying to control out of love concern. When our child resisted, it triggered emotions, frustration and powerlessness, and then it escalated with shouting and shouting back. In the moment, the best thing we can do is pause, even though it's hard. So the question of the week was, my child won't put, refused to put her coat on. I shouted and she ran away and shouted, I hate you. So we could say something like, I hear you don't want to put your coat on. Okay, I'm going to bring it in case you feel cold later. Or you could offer some choice. Do you want to carry your coat yourself, or do you want to put it on now? If it's already escalated like it did here, the most powerful thing that we can do is repair later. I'm really sorry, I got frustrated and I shouted. That wasn't helpful. And next time, let's figure this out together. These messy moments aren't failures. They're opportunities to model emotional honesty, to reconnect and build resilience. And if you think as a parent, I would like to get some personal help to build my skills and to develop a different way of parenting, please see the show notes where you can book a free consultation. I call it my discovery call, and we can talk, or you can go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat. So let's quickly recap. Mistake number 1 is trying to control instead of guide. When we guide instead of controlling, our children grows in confidence and takes more responsibility. Mistake 2, reacting emotionally instead of responding calmly. We can see that that calm response is just going to get you so much better results. And mistake number 3, focusing on short-term obedience instead of long-term growth. And when we focus on long-term growth, we raise a child who is capable and resilient as a human being. So most importantly, please remember these mistakes do not mean that you are failing. They mean that you care. They mean that you are human. So if you enjoyed today's episode of Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries, please hit subscribe or follow to the podcast so that you get alerted when new episodes come out. And if you find it helpful, I'd love it if you could give me a review and share it with a friend who might need a little support too. So thank you so much for listening and see you in the next episode.