How to handle tricky family dynamics

You might have experienced those unwanted questions about your parenting style or your career or even your love life or lack thereof, but worry not. My next guest is an expert in navigating tricky family dynamics and has some very helpful tips for you. Camilla McGill is a parenting coach and joins me live in the studio now. Good morning.

Good morning.

Okay, we'll start with the parents aspect of, of this first. What anxieties and worries do parents come to you with at this time of year, in particular, particularly at Christmas?

Yeah, I think sometimes parents haven't taken their children to see relatives for some time. You know, Christmas may be the only time of year when they visit grandparents or other relatives, and so the stakes are high. As a parent, you're constantly wanting to sort of show your relatives how lovely your children are, and when The children really do also pick up on our own anxiety. They're like little sponges. I always tell my clients this, you know, think about your child as a little sponge. And so if you're feeling particularly anxious about how your child might behave when you take them to see Grandma at Christmas, they're going to be picking up on that. And then into the mix is Grandma's expectation of how a child should behave, which is often vastly different from— which is often vastly different from the parents. And it can start at even at a hello, your children can get quite— the stress of anticipation can make them withdraw. And so the door opens, Grandma's there, arms open, and your child hides behind your leg. And Grandma's saying, "Come on, give me a hug." And then as a parent, you're then stuck between the two, wanting your child to show affection, but also having sympathy that they're feeling overwhelmed. So, you know, it really can get very tricky and you feel judged as a parent.

Yeah, and that's your judgment, isn't it?

It's the idea of judgment. I think the people that we most want our approval of is our parents. And so there's that, then you're sort of saying, go and say hello, say hello, and they don't want to. So it can, yeah, it can just really make things tough.

And this can happen at any time of year, understandably, but what is it about Christmas in particular that makes it so much more tense?

I think it's like the hype, the songs, the, the images of happy families. It's, it's just that hype that Christmas in particular, it's, it just should be this really happy family occasion.

That's a big expectation.

It's the big expectation, exactly. And it's just that one day. So I think that's probably what makes it worse at Christmas. Then there's also the whole gift giving that, you know, comes into it. And you, you can get a child that says, I don't— they open it and they say, I didn't want that.

Children are brutally honest. We've got lots messages coming in about this because our listeners have been in this conversation, as have many of us. I'm sure you have.

Yes.

Come to your particular tips in a moment. But, uh, people are getting in touch to say, uh, difficult questions around Christmas. Okay. I remember a New Year's Eve party and being asked about when I was going to have kids.

Yeah.

I privately going through a long and grueling fertility journey. Always a difficult conversation, and I wish more people were sensitized to that. Happily, I now have a nearly 12-year-old, which is great to hear. So I suppose there's a is there a balance between perhaps biting your tongue to try and keep the peace, but also wanting to stand up for yourself? Yeah, defend yourself.

Yes, yes, absolutely. I mean, interestingly, I had, I had this very experience. I'd lost my first baby during pregnancy, and I— my mother-in-law, I didn't realize at the time she didn't mean it, but she asked me how many months pregnant I would be by now. And it was so painful, of course. And I really had to bite my tongue not to say something nasty back. But also, I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to have a voice for that feeling. So I actually thought about it, and the next day we went for a walk, and I said, you might not have realized it, but it was very painful. She was so upset. She actually cried. She said, I just didn't realize. So I think the other thing, I think if you're anticipating these sorts of questions, whether it's, you you know, what are you doing with your career? Or, you know, are you still single? It's quite good to think it through in your head beforehand and almost play the scenario, play the scenario and work out your response. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm always advising parents to have a response that is clear and assertive but doesn't necessarily blame the other person for the question that they've asked.

We have another message here that's come in from someone. They've texted to say, I was asked how my partner and I planned on having children. Yeah, we're lesbians and so it's not quite as straightforward. We don't want kids didn't seem to be the answer they wanted. So it's not just parents, it's those people, uh, even without children, that are having to handle these invasive questions about their love lives, about many things. So what are your top tips for dealing with those uncomfortable family conversations?

It's a great question, and I guess it would come back to that assertiveness. It would say I'm sure you're really keen to know that answer, and actually it's not one that I feel comfortable in giving you.

Okay.

Um, I think that's just quite a good— that's some boundaries without being defensive, without being defensive. I can understand why you'd, why you'd want to know, and it's not— it's something we've not decided to share.

There's another dynamic here that often comes into play at Christmas time as well, and that's when you're back with your family, back with your siblings, falling back into those old behavioral patterns from when you were growing up, when you were children together, particularly particularly if you're going back to the family home. So how can people deal with that as adults?

I think it's us trying to think these are actually adults. You know, my bossy older sister, my brother that lounges on the sofa, they are still adults. They are still having an adult life.

I feel like you're talking about my family right now.

And it's trying to relate to them in that way rather than trying— you know, it happens when we go back to a school environment and you sort of revert back to that person you were at school. I suppose it's just thinking I'm an adult, so maybe I could say, look, are you gonna help with the washing up? Without that defensiveness.

Another top tip is coming from one of our listeners. They say, I like to add, and you, to the end of my questions. So any questions that they receive, to difficult questions, because it gives them a taste of their own medicine to have to answer their own question.

Yes, yes. And what about you? Good tip. Yeah.

What do you do?

What do I do when I'm asked a difficult question? I mean, I think I've often had it more around my children. So it might be, "Isn't he walking yet?" or "She's still in nappies." And if I was going to come back, I would maybe make a joke. That's quite a good one. So, you know, "Is she still in nappies?" You know, as long as she's not out of them by the time she goes to university, we're okay by that. But tell me about you, what's going on in your life? So you can cut, you know, whether it's a direct related question or an indirect, just putting Putting the emphasis back on that other person.

Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. I always field these types of questions from family members. I tend to just walk away, which I don't think is the best response. Should I be less defensive?

I, I think it's gonna help. I mean, if we're talking about navigating tricky family dynamics, what I'll always say to the parents that I'm coaching is— and this is very much related how you relate to your child as well— think about the result that you want. If you don't want a child to have a massive tantrum about something, then just think, well, if I speak to them in a really harsh tone of voice, I'm probably going to fuel it. So equally, just walking away is kind of passive-aggressive. So I would say it's just always better to try and talk things through But when related to a child, just think about what result do I want? Am I doing this to please the other person? Am I saying something to my child because I know that grandma wants me to scold them? But actually, I know if the result that I want is that I've showed my child that I've really understood they're feeling embarrassed, they're feeling a bit stressed, they're feeling anxious, then scolding them is not going to help that.

That's a great point. And actually, you've given us some really practical tips there. Camilla McGill, parenting coach, thank you so much for coming on to Woman's Hour this morning. I found that really useful.

It's been a pleasure.