How to Get Your Child to Talk to You: 4 Powerful Tools Every Parent Needs.

How do we respond when we know that something's bothering our child, but they won't tell us? This is a frequent question asked me by my clients. They've tried, what's the matter? And they get nothing. They've asked, are you okay? And their kid says, fine. In today's episode, I'm thrilled to have Dr. Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, clinical psychologist, parenting coach, author, and public speaker as my guest. Rebecca and I became friends via Instagram. I respect her work so much, and I absolutely love her book, The Tantrum Survival Guide, which I recommend to all my clients. So today Rebecca and I are talking about 4 powerful ways to get our kids to open up to us. And I want you to listen to the end of the episode when we will be answering the question of the week. How do you respond if our child says, Nobody would play with me today. As a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Before we dive into solutions, Rebecca, I'd love you to give us a couple of reasons why kids don't open up to us.

Sure. Before I do that, I just want to say that I'm so happy to be here. I so appreciate the invitation, and thank you for the kind words about the book. So reasons our kids don't open up to us is pretty similar to reasons why we may not open up to other people, right? Our kids are humans. Yeah. Some kids don't have the language to sort of say what's going on for them. And so they might act out or they might sort of communicate through their behavior. Other kids may feel like it's too much pressure, like there's a right answer and a wrong answer. They can tell kind of that it's a high-stakes conversation, and so they just are like, yeah, no, I'm out, I'm not touching this one, you know. Still other kids just don't enjoy it. You know, they're tired. They maybe have had a long day at school. We want to hear everything about the day and they're like, no, I'd rather be on my iPad. You know, I mean, I think there's all kinds of reasons, but most importantly, I mean, it's tremendously common and difficult.

Yes, their cup's just so full they can't process it. They don't even know sometimes, you know, what it is that's bothering them. So when they say fine, it isn't fine, but they haven't broken it down. Right.

They just kind of know that something feels off. But, and again, how often do we do that? That's again, it's like, it's like, I just don't want to get into it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to like figure out how to describe it. Things just feel bad. And I just, it's fine. It's fine.

And maybe there's some shame as well. You know, maybe something has happened that they're ashamed about and they don't feel like they can talk about it or they are worried about our response. So that's definitely one I've, I've had with my kids. So today we're talking about 4 ways to get our kids to open up and tell us their feelings. And first up, you said model talking about our own feelings and experiences, both past and present. Elaborate a little bit on that.

Yeah, so I think that's something that can happen regularly or in this particular moment. So I think kids who grow up in homes where it's common to say how your day was. So if you're in a two-parent family and your partner says, how was your day? You might say something like, well, there were parts that were good and there were parts that were harder. And I'm still feeling kind of disappointed that I didn't hear back from this person that I emailed, you know, to just sort of model in day-to-day conversations. When someone asks me about my day or what's going on, that I want to open up and I want to use feelings words and I want to share my internal life with the people that I love and the people that are around me in the moment. So you can, let's say your kid, you know, first day of school, they come home, there's clearly something off in the moment. It's a really good tool to say sort of like, you know, how was your day? Fine. Hmm, you know, I remember on my first day of school when I was in 4th grade, there were parts of it that were really cool and there were parts of it that felt terrible. And, you know, and so just instead of the like, well, it doesn't sound fine. Well, tell me what happened. Well, what did you do first and how was lunch and who'd you sit next to? Instead of those direct questions, which can be so pressuring and filled with our own anxiety to just dive into what that period of life or that that thing that may be stressful was like for us at that age, I think can be really useful.

I think that's so great. And maybe even saying things like, you know, I look back and think, why didn't I tell my mother that I wasn't picked when the teacher asked a question? And there's a lot I don't remember, but you can sort of make it up. How do you feel about that? About Yes. Yeah.

I mean, again, I always, in general, I know you feel the same way, encourage being honest with our kids. I mean, the foundation of trust is the most important foundation of all. And you can kind of glorify or extrapolate. I don't remember my first day of 4th grade, but I have a feeling that it was probably a little of this and a little of that. And I don't consider that lying. You know, I mean, so I wouldn't totally make something up. I think there needs to be some authenticity there. But of course you can.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah. And, and, you know, whereas we may not remember one very specific episode, we could say something like, and I know there were times when I was so upset that I wasn't picked for the team, or I remember getting home from school on various days and my mom asking me all these questions and I just didn't feel like talking.

And it was like, Mom, just go away. And then your kid kind of looks up at you and is like, bingo. So again, you've broken through that tension. And there's all kinds of tools that come up as we talk about these tools. Like, there's humor, there's playful, all kind of the usual stuff can be so helpful.

Yeah. And it's all about getting the connection, isn't it? And then just through, yeah, through humor, through empathy, through memories, through sharing experiences. And I know that's just such a great tool for getting them to feel safe. But it may be that, yeah, there's just that sense of overwhelm, especially when it's just— so timing, I guess, is another thing. But anyway, let's come on.

I'm so glad you mentioned that. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but I'm thinking also about once they start, if it prompts them to open up, to be really careful that you're not just continuing to talk about yourself in a way that assumes you know what they're feeling. It still requires sort of this attunement of, this is a tool that I'm using to get them to open up, but I want to keep kind of checking in with my— on their tone and their body language and whatever, that I'm on the right track and that I haven't sort of completely eclipsed the moment. With my own stuff, which we all know when friends do, when friends are like, oh my gosh, you're having trouble with your husband. Let me tell you what's going on with my husband. And you're like, wait, like, you know, it's not about you right now. And so you don't want to be that person with your kids.

Yes, yes. And equally, you know, we've all had the experience where a friend will jump in and say, oh, what you need to do is—

oh, yes.

That shuts me right down.

So about the 4 things to do, we could do another podcast episode on the 4 things not to do.

Absolutely. Maybe we should just— yeah, if you wouldn't mind ever coming back, that would be a brilliant one. Okay, so we're discussing how to get our kids to open up and tell us what's bothering them. And next up is number 2. And this is— you mentioned I wonder statements versus direct statements, and you said throwing a pebble into the pond. So tell us, tell us about that. Yeah.

So it's I wonder statements instead of direct questions, actually, because I think as a parent, I'm a mom to two boys. I have a 10-year-old and an 8-year-old. And when they come home, I have so many questions, especially if it looks like their facial expression is telling me that something didn't go well. And it's so tempting to just like pretend you're a detective, an investigative reporter, and you're like, looks like something was wrong. Did it happen at lunch? Did it happen at recess? Did it happen with friends? Did it have to do with your teacher? How did the history test go? How, you know, and there's nothing to our point before that's going to shut a kid down faster, particularly if their temperament is easily overwhelmed or just again feeling anxious or pressured. I wonder statements kind of slow it down and it's sort of like you're I like the pebble in a pond metaphor because it evokes this really kind of peaceful imagery. Like you're just sort of standing in a pond, it's calm, it's peaceful, and you're just sort of tossing in a pebble of how they might feel about something. And there's no pressure and they don't have to say yes or no, but you're kind of just letting them know, I'm thinking about you, I have some thoughts. So you might say, you know, I wonder, I remember you had that history test today. I wonder if, Maybe it just didn't go as well as you thought it would, you know, or, hmm, I know today was, you know, special whatever after school. And I wonder, I don't know, I wonder if maybe something happened with your friends that felt lousy. I don't know, you know, and maybe they'll say no, or maybe they'll say, yeah, well, I guess, or maybe they'll just look up, you know, and you kind of like know you're onto something, but it's a way of sort of testing the waters with that pebble. In a calm and connected and kind of softer way.

Yeah. Yeah. And isn't that so hard? I mean, I'm a really impatient person. I know. I want to get it nailed, you know?

And yeah, all these tools, I mean, they're so counterintuitive. What I want to say is like, well, obviously you're not fine. Does it have to do with the history test? And then if it's, you know, and then it's like, talk to me. Hello? Why are you going into your room? I want to talk, you know, I mean, it's so hard to do this as a parent. I mean, 100%.

Yeah. And also, particularly if they've held their bag across the room or, you know, pushed the plate away and said, this is disgusting, I'm not eating this. And then to be able to pause and say, hmm, something's up. I'm just wondering if it was to do with you know, the fact that your friend wasn't there at school today, or maybe your friend said something that upset you. It's, it's jolly hard, but goodness, it really does work.

And there's something about not having the question mark. Like, they don't have to answer. By definition, you're just— I mean, not to get too grammatical, but you're just saying a sentence.

Okay.

I wonder if— this doesn't have to do— like, you don't have to participate in this at all. If you don't want to, to your, you know, your kid. It's really just, I'm wondering, and then it might be like, okay, I'm going to go start making dinner. It's just, again, you're sort of testing the waters in a really low pressure way because I think there's a lot of kids who feel a lot of pressure in those interactions otherwise.

Yeah, I really, actually, that's, it's interesting. That is so interesting that you've, that's given a light bulb to me because there was no question mark at the end. And I just actually hadn't occurred to me, I wonder if it was to do with your history test and just leave it hanging. I love it. Yeah, yeah.

And they don't have to. And then you can like go to the bathroom, you know, it's like they don't have to respond. They can if they want, but it's like the ball's in your court. I've just tossed this pebble.

Yeah.

Up to you what you want to do.

Yeah, yeah. Oh gosh. Fantastic.

So we're talking about 4 ways to get I'm just thinking, sorry, that it has to be genuine because again, what you want to do is like, maybe I wonder if it has to do with the history test. And then there's like a pause and you're like, does it? And that's not okay. Waiting and not responding the way you want. You're like, so what do you think?

Absolutely. Oh my goodness. Okay, so we're talking about 4 ways to get kids to open up, and next up, number 3, the hand squeeze game. So I know this is— it's so interesting that you mentioned this, but I, I'd love you to describe it, and then I'm, I'm gonna maybe chip in with an incident that I had when my son was little.

Yeah, it's funny. I think it was my Instagram post that had gotten the most, I think thousands of likes or something, which is just interesting. I'm not usually quite at that. At that level. So it's something I started doing with my older son who has a hard time talking. And it's so interesting you did too. Like, it's clearly something, some like great mother wisdom or something, I don't know. But where there's, there was something about the eye contact for him that was just too hard. And so if he had a, if he was having a hard time opening up, but he hadn't yet sort of totally kicked me out of his room, which can happen, it was sort of like How about you can put your head down, put your face in your hands, give me your hand, and I'm going to list a few things that might be going on for you, and you squeeze my hand if I get it right. And so again, it's like as low pressure as possible. They're not— he's not looking at me. He's kind of holding his hand and I'm holding his hand. And then I might say 5 different things from like the really extreme to the really mundane, you know, so I might say something fantastical, like you were on your way to school and And then this UFO ship landed and UFOs came out and almost kidnapped you. And then you sort of— there's no hand squeeze, but you're like, set the tone that this is kind of playful. This is, you know, then you might say you once again saw your friend Raphael and he kind of left you out at recess and it didn't feel good. And then if there's a little hand squeeze, it's like, okay, excellent. So we've got the problem with Raphael. I'm going to keep going, you know, and you just sort of communicate in that way. Yeah, I actually did it recently with my son. He was leaving for sleepaway camp. It was 2 days or 3 days before that, and he was really mad and really upset. And I could tell and imagine that this had to do more with anxiety about leaving for camp than anything. And he's 10. I started doing this when he was 4, but I'm like, let's do the hands, please game. And he put his head down and he gave me his hand and I said, 'You're nervous about going to camp,' and he didn't squeeze. And then he said, 'You're—' I said something else and he didn't squeeze. And then I rephrased it and I said, 'You don't want to go to camp and you don't know how to tell me that,' and he squeezed. And then he said, 'And the first one.' So it's like trying to get, like, what— like, it's trying to get the wording just right, or the, you know, he did end up going to camp. Yeah, the other thing that I always do when I play the hand squeeze game is I, especially if I'm not getting any squeezes, is I'll say, you don't really know what's going on. You just went down a rabbit hole of feeling lousy and you ended up arguing and fighting and now you're just stuck and you don't know how to get out. And if nothing else has caused a squeeze, that will cause a squeeze. And it's like, okay. So here we are. You know, it's not this big, great reveal. It's like, really, nothing's going on. You just, you just sort of spiraled and you don't know how to say to me, like, Mom, forget it. There's nothing. I just was in a bad mood.

Oh, wow. I love that. That's so good. Yeah. So I did it with finger, finger squeeze, and it was nothing I'd ever read. It just came about. And my son, he was about 7, he dived under the duvet again, facing away from me. You know, it had been a whole host of things, kicking, hitting his brother and picking on his sister, you know, whole load of things. And, and just, you know, I— help me figure what it is. And it went on for a really long time, and I was just— there was just Like nothing, no squeeze, no squeeze. But he wanted, you know, he wasn't kicking me away. And eventually I tracked back to like 2 weeks prior when we'd been on holiday with his cousins and he told his cousins that his dad could fly a plane and they said, that's a lie, that's rubbish. And my husband actually had flown a plane, a little biplane, and he at the time clearly wasn't able to get clarification. He felt humiliated by the card, and that was what it was. I mean, it was just unbelievable that he'd carried that. I don't know what had triggered it that day, but I— yeah, yeah. So I think it's beautiful, powerful, and I, I love what, you know, how you just described it.

So powerful, and it can be so powerful You know, first of all, it's funny you say it went on forever. There's other times that that's how it works, that you say so many things and finally my kid turns around and he's like, no, but I can't do this anymore. Here's what it is. But it's a way of also framing things in the most extreme way to let them know that that's okay, that like anything less than that is also okay. So I've had parents do it with older siblings when a new baby's born. And it's like, you know, squeeze my hand. It's not just like if I'm a little jealous of my new baby sister. Squeeze my hand if you hate the baby. Squeeze my hand if you deep down, when nobody's looking, want to hurt the baby. You know, you say the things that they're never going to come out and say to you because they think that they're like evil and awful and there's so much guilt and shame. And if you just say them, It's like either yes, that is what I'm feeling, or oh my gosh, no, it's not that. Like, take it easy. It's not that, you know, when they suddenly feel so much better. Yes. So there's so many ways in which I think it's a really powerful way to connect with our kids. Oh, that's fantastic.

Absolutely fantastic. Definitely something I'm going to share with my clients. And I'd even forgotten about it. So it's just— and it's lovely that it got such amazing engagement on Instagram. So yeah. Where do we find you on Instagram, by the way. What—

it's Rebecca Hershberg, PhD. Okay, perfect.

Okay, so, um, we're talking about, uh, the 4 ways to help kids feel safe to talk to us, and number 4 is how to respond when they do open up in any way.

And there's obviously a ton to say about this. I meant— I— when I wrote that, I meant that in the most simple, straightforward way, which is just to stop doing what you're doing. Like, if you haven't used these tools and they're just opening up, you know, that you put down your phone, that you listen, that you say something like, I'm so glad you want to talk to me about this, you know, or I'm so glad you brought this up, or wow, this is so great to sit here and talk to you about this. Something that just reinforces how meaningful it is and helpful it is. You know, I'm so glad you brought this to my attention because I really would love to think about how I can be helpful, you know, just to really punctuate it in that way. Yes. And hopefully leads them to have this positive association. When I talk to mom or when I talk to dad, good things happen. They stop what they're doing. They're interested. They want to hear that. You know, that's kind of what I was getting at.

Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I would often say things to my children like, this is really important. I'm putting my phone to one side right now. I would say sometimes they're opening up to you about, it's not that deep, but they're sharing something. And I would say, oh, I love it when you tell me stuff about school. Yeah. So just really underlining the fact that this is just so, you know, it's, it's so important. It's so important to us to hear. We love hearing about it. Yeah, I love the way you phrased it. And it's, I'm really listening. And that's terribly hard, like shutting our own internal chatter about the fact that we didn't reply to that email and that we've got to get the hot water on for the pasta and da da da. But, you know, just always giving that message that Talking is a priority. Yeah. And so important. Absolutely fantastic. So I want to come on to the question of the week. How do we respond when they say nobody would? So just to reiterate that people find you on Instagram. Is that the best place?

Rebecca Hershberg, PhD, Instagram, Facebook, and, and my website is Rebecca Hershberg, PhD.

And your book as well. And I have a free guide. You can go to my website, myparentingsolutions.com. And that gets you my guide to get how to get your kids to listen. It's also about, I underline that, without ever needing to nag or shout. So it walks you through my great method, which is all about connecting and getting our kids to listen. So anybody listening wants to go to my website and grab that, myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten. Just listen. So Rebecca, question of the week: how do we respond when they say nobody would play with me today? I know how I want to respond.

Who didn't play with you, and where can I find them, and how can I beat them up?

Oh, I'm sure that's not true.

Your teacher says you've got loads of friends. Or then you shouldn't want to play with them anyway.

Oh, what did you do? You know, that's another one.

I think this is a great example of what we were just talking about a couple minutes ago. I think the first thing I'd say, like, which is I'm I'm so glad you're telling me. Thank you so much for telling me that. And then probably tell me more. Tell me what happened. I think, you know, this is another thing I could— we could spend a whole podcast episode on this, but I think the takeaway is not to jump in and fix it. Yes, exactly. Their discomfort, not to fix your own discomfort with all the things we were just jokingly saying. Just stay in the feeling. Like, this is a bid for connection. This is a bid for I'm feeling lousy. This felt hard. Be there with your kid for a little bit. Maybe talk about a time that you were left out. Not a time that you were left out and then I learned to do this, this, and this, and it was happily ever after. But just a time that you were left out and it just stunk.

And I might throw in something like, Oh, that's so hard. So that, you know, oh, when we feel left out, that just is painful. And just to stay there.

And again, not to— I sometimes have parents who respond when I give this sort of guidance and they're like, but I don't want them to learn to wallow. Yes. And it's sort of— there is this line, right? You're not going to talk for 3 hours, just sit there and be like, this is the worst thing that ever happened. I think our threshold for wallowing is much lower than it should be. Right. The quote unquote wallow. Like, we often use those negative terms like wallow to avoid just feeling the feelings. And what our kids need most in those moments is to feel the feelings with us there because they had to feel them at school without us there. And then they have the experience of feeling them with us there and we're joining them. And then absolutely you can shift to I wonder what it's going to be like tomorrow. Let's think about maybe coming up with a plan. Like, it's not that you can't shift into problems. When you do, the idea is to keep it collaborative, slow. Like, even the way I'm talking right now, I'm trying to model like this isn't a— like, you can be calm and reassuring as you problem solve because it's still not, oh, let's fix it and make the whole thing go away. Yes. But the very first response is, as you said, empathic and let's just be in this for a moment.

Yeah. Yeah. It's absolutely fantastic. Yeah. I'll often say it's, it's sort of like piercing the balloon. It just kind of helps it deflate when we say, you know, there's this sort of pressure of nobody will play with me today. That means that, you know, I'm not liked. What's wrong with me? It could be what really they're feeling. And when we say, oh, that sucks, or, oh, that's hard, or tell me more, it's like it's putting a pin in the balloon. I don't know if that's what you might—

Yeah, I feel like a pin is like a pop. So I don't— I want something— Yeah. Or like— I'm going to let the air out of the balloon in like a gradual way.

Yes, you're absolutely right. Like slowly, like—

I also think it's funny, as you were saying, I realize that sometimes in those situations, I say things like, Oh, that's the worst. Which communicates in a subtle way, I've been there. Yes. Yes. Like, it's not sort of like you just went through something that I can't even possibly imagine. It's like, oh, when people leave you out on the playground. Oh my gosh, that's the worst. You know, like, we've all been there. That's something I think can be really soothing as well.

Yeah, I love, I love your tone of voice on that. It's just fantastic. So, Rebecca, it's been such a pleasure. I do hope you'll come on the podcast again.

I love it. I'm happy to do it.

Good. And follow Rebecca on Instagram. Follow me on Instagram @myparentingsolutions. Please share this podcast with your friends. I think you can rate it on Apple. I'm not sure that you can rate it on other platforms, but certainly on Apple. Uh, keep listening. There are many more episodes coming up and a massive thank you to everybody that's listened to us today. And that's all from me, Camilla McGill, and from Rebecca Hershberg. Thank you so much.

Thank you.