How to handle your child's tantrums without losing your cool

I vividly remember my eldest son having a tantrum in the playground in front of all the other parents, and I literally wanted the ground to open up. I don't know if you've been there, but I suspect you have if you are tuning into today's episode. Everyone stared at me and it's, I just felt so judged. He started kicking me, he spat, he threw his coat on the ground and he stamped on it. I felt paralyzed. I literally had no idea how to react. And it was at that point that I realized I needed to learn a new way of parenting. That was almost 25 years ago. And one of the most important things that I learned was that I needed to tell myself, these people might be judging me, or they might be empathizing with me. Either way, my child's needs are far more important than anyone else's opinions. So if you are listening, then I hope that that's what you want, or you realize that that's the most important thing and you want to learn a new way of parenting. So today we are diving into a topic that not only had me feeling paradise, but it also comes up time and time again with the parents that I work with. It's calming the storm, handling big emotions and tantrums in feelings. Sorry. And tantrums in children without losing it. But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Now, tantrums are often thought of as something that only toddlers experience. I only work with parents who have kids under the age of 12, but let me tell you, plenty of them who don't have toddlers but have slightly older kids report that their children still have tantrums and they're just not sure how to handle them. So if that sounds familiar to you, then you are definitely in the right place. Today I'm going to give you practical tools to calm the storm when emotions run high. And I'm also going to be covering a myth around tantrums and 3 practical strategies to help you manage them in a way that's empathetic and holds the boundaries. But before we dive in, I want to introduce this week's question of the week. A parent recently asked me, my mother tells me I need to ignore my child's tantrums because he's only looking for attention. Is that true? This is such an important question, and I'm going to be answering it at the end of the episode. So definitely make sure that you stay tuned. Now, here is a myth. A child over the age of 4 shouldn't have tantrums. So I'm going to tell you something. It's just not true. Even as kids get older, they can struggle with big emotions, and they can have meltdowns when things don't go their way. For example, a, my client Andrea's 6-year-old daughter gets so frustrated over losing a board game when she's playing with her sister that she says she can't let her play anymore. Or another client says that their 9-year-old threw his bat down and stormed off the cricket pitch when he was bowled out. None of this is abnormal, but it comes back to helping children with emotional regulation skills. Or lack of them. So kids of all ages need help managing their feelings, and the strategies that we are talking about today work just as well for older children as they do for toddlers. So let's get to the practical ways that you can support your child when they're feeling overwhelmed. I've got 3 strategies to help you help your child handle big emotions and tantrums like a pro. So first up, stay calm yourself. I know that you're going to tell me, I would be calm if my child didn't have all these awful tantrums. I get it. I've been there. It's really natural to feel triggered when our child is having a meltdown, especially if we're in public or if we're running late. But honestly, really trust me on this one. Staying calm is the key. Sometimes a mantra can help here. Something like, it's okay, I've got this. We might say this to ourselves, or he's having a hard time. He's not being difficult. He's having a hard time, and I'm here to help. Now, help doesn't mean that we have to stop the tantrum. It just means that we have to support our child through this difficult moment. Another way might be to take a deep breath and remind ourselves that this is going to be an opportunity to help our child through a tough moment. Now, we could use a finger tracing technique. So we would use one hand to trace the fingers, um, of our other hand, slowly, um, tracing through our fingers and breathing deeply as we go. This not only helps us to stay composed, but also if our child sees us doing this, it can help them to calm down. So remember to hit follow or subscribe so that you make sure that you get more tips like this. Now, we're helping our children have through the tantrums, and here is the second way to help. Acknowledge their feelings. Now, you might be thinking, but I don't like these feelings. Feelings of greed, jealousy, or being a bad sport. They're not feelings that I want to encourage. So if I validate them, surely it's going to encourage them to have those feelings. But let me tell you something, we really do not have to like the feeling that our child is demonstrating in order to validate it. It's just not going to help our child if we try to shame them out of it. So, you know, if we say to our child, if our child has got upset in a game, And we say to them, "That's an ugly emotion. Don't be jealous of your sister," or, "You're being a bad sport," they feel shame. But if we say, might say something like, "I really can see how upset you are. You love to win and you feel so frustrated when your sister wins," or, "You really wanted to hit the ball and feel proud of yourself. It's a horrible thing to get out first ball." We're using a warm tone and we're also matching their emotional energy, which helps our child feel understood. Now, honestly, it's not about fixing the problem right away. It's about connecting with them. So they also need us to stick to the boundaries. I want to make this clear here. So look, our child might be in a shop screaming really loudly for an ice cream. Oh my goodness, we are so tempted to buy that ice cream, even though we've just said no, just to shut them up. But actually really know this, what they need is for us to stay calm, validate their feelings, but also hold the boundary. Look, we might need to carry them outside of the shop screaming with people looking at us, but we can do this in a compassionate way. If you like this and you want more, I have a free guide on dealing with tantrums and mood swings. All you have to do is go to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums, myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums, or see below where I've put the link. Now, here is the third way to help our children with, if, when they're having tantrums. Practice emotional regulation away from the moment. Now, it's a bit like practicing for a sport, and we might need to think of it this way. My, one of my daughters was a gymnast. She had to practice walking on the beam over and over so that when she was emotionally charged during a competition, her body remembered how to do it. Every child is different, so finding what works for your child is essential. But one of my clients discovered that jumping up and down on the spot helped her child to stay, to calm down. So they practiced this regularly outside of those tantrum moments. So, you know, maybe it was when her child was feeling a little bit frustrated, um, they would jump up and down together so that when a meltdown happened, It could be something that her mother helped her to do. Now for your child, it might be something different. It might be squeezing a sensory toy. It might be deep breathing exercises, or it might be that we give them a really strong hug. But the key is to practice these calming moments whilst they're not really highly charged so that they're ready to use them when their emotions run high. Now, I'm gonna come back to this week's question of the week. So the parent asked me, my mother tells me I need to ignore my child's tantrums because he's only looking for attention. Is this true? Here's the thing. Well, children definitely need attention. They, and they are seeking attention because they need attention, but ignoring them isn't the answer. And here's why. When we ignore a child in the middle of a tantrum, they feel unseen and unheard, and they don't feel connected. In fact, they feel disconnected to us, actually, which means that their distress can escalate. They, and they might resort to more extreme behavior to get our attention. Now, tantrums are a signal that our child is overwhelmed. And they don't know how to cope. They become dysregulated. But by ignoring them, we're just actually missing the opportunity to help build our trust and our connection with them and helping them to emotionally regulate. So instead, we need to focus on validating their emotions. So you might just say something like, I can see you're really upset right now because you wanted more playtime. This helps them feel seen and understood, which is what they truly need. But we can definitely still set these clear boundaries. It, it just by acknowledging their feelings, we can still be firm about unacceptable behavior like hitting or screaming excessively. And just remember that attention seeking isn't a bad thing. Um, it's a child sign that our child needs our connection and guidance. And when we engage with them in this supportive way, we're showing them that their feelings matter and that there is a healthy way to express them. So if this resonates with you, not only could you get my free guide by going to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums, but you could also book a discovery call with me to talk things through. Again, see below and I'll put the link to the discovery call. So, I just want to also come back to two common mistakes that we need to avoid when we're handling our children's big emotions. So firstly, we want to avoid dismissing their feelings. So if we say things like, "Doesn't matter, it's not a big deal," or "Stop crying," it can make them feel that they're wrong to have those emotions. So, um, instead we need to just acknowledge the emotion and emphasize with their perspective. I know that you feel really upset. We might think it isn't a big deal, but for them it is a big deal. And secondly, honestly, if there's one thing you take away, do not try to reason with them while they're having a big meltdown. When their emotions are high, they are not in a state to process logic. Their brains literally cannot process the logic and reasoning. The prefrontal cortex, the part of their brain that is responsible for logical thought, is not able to function while they're in the middle of emotion. So we need to connect first and then address the issue later, the logical part later when they're calm. So hit like or follow if you agree with this and want to know more. But to recap, here are 3 strategies to help children with big emotions. Number 1, stay calm and regulate ourselves first. Remember, kids are sponges for our feelings, and if we can work on ways to stay calm, it's gonna help them enormously. Number 2, validate our children's feelings with warmth and empathy. This doesn't mean to, that we give into the tantrum and buy them the ice cream. That they want, but it does mean that they feel heard. And number 3, use calming techniques to soothe their nervous system. Help them to be able to regulate their nervous system by learning ways to stay calm when they're not emotionally dysregulated. Look, I know that parenting children with tantrums is not easy, but honestly, with support and practice, we can learn to handle these moments with confidence and compassion. But again, if you'd like more support, you could either get a, just book a discovery call or go to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums to get my free guide, 10 Tried and Tested Ways to Managing Tantrums and Mood Swings. Thank you so much for tuning in to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Don't forget to hit follow or subscribe so that you never miss an episode, and I will see you in the next episode.