How to manage your toddler's tantrums like a pro

You've just strapped the baby in the car and your toddler has an epic tantrum right there on the pavement because she wanted to be the first to be strapped in. She hurls herself on the ground, legs kicking, and she's screaming really loudly. You know that your neighbor can hear you and she's probably twitching the curtain at this very moment. You are so embarrassed and you've got to get to a doctor's appointment on time. Have you had this happen? That excruciating moment when you're desperate not to seem like an incompetent parent and feel judged by others around you. Nobody wants to carry on feeling this way when they're faced with a kid's tantrum. And in my experience, we can make things much worse when we don't know the best ways to handle them. So what do we do? Well, listen on to today's episode, How to Handle an Epic Toddler Tantrum Like a Pro, because in this episode I'm going to explain to you 3 reasons why toddlers, and not exclusively toddlers, tantrums and give you 3 key takeaways so that next time this happens, you will handle it like a pro. I know that as a parent, you want to have clear boundaries and be caring and compassionate, right? I'm Camilla McGill, a parenting coach with years of experience, and I'm a mum of 4. I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So let's take a look at what's going on before we get to some of the solutions. You need to know these 2 developmental reasons that toddlers, and as I said, not exclusively toddlers, let's remember, have tantrums. One, they struggle with emotional regulation. It's so normal for kids, and some are definitely more reactive than others. They struggle to control their emotions, hence they can get overwhelmed really easily. They can go from naught to 60 faster than a Ferrari, and we are so taken aback. We think, "It's only a broken biscuit. Why are you reacting like the world has ended?" This is because to them, it is the end of the world because they feel things so strongly and they struggle to control these feelings. You might have one child who is particularly volatile, so you'll definitely want to hear what I've got to say to help them regulate their emotions, as maybe your child is like a wild animal who's impossible to tame. Why do toddlers have tantrums? Here's the second reason: they seek control. This exact scenario is what happened to my client Francesca. With the arrival of her new baby, her daughter Sarah was feeling out of control. She wanted to have a say in who got in the car first. Sarah wanted control because, like most kids, she felt that she's constantly being told what to do, and when she's thwarted, she tends to lose it. So Francesca had strapped the baby in first and was trying to get Sarah in the car. It suddenly occurs to Sarah that she wanted to get in first. Francesca's in a hurry, but from my coaching, she knew, knew that she didn't want to take the rough approach of shoving a screaming, wriggling toddler into a car seat. Who has done this and felt terrible about it? I know I have. As a mum of 4, my kids have thrown almost every single parenting challenge my way, and I know how hard it is, especially when wind up losing our temper. So I'm going to give you 3 solutions for handling tantrums. You watch as your kid's tantrum kicks off and you feel powerless. What are we supposed to do? It can feel very triggering, especially when we're being observed by others. So the best thing that we can do as a first step to managing tantrums is to stop and take some deep breaths ourselves. All the research shows that when a parent or a caregiver stays calm and is able to regulate their emotions, the child benefits. So that's what Francesca did. She got down to her daughter's level and modeled the breathing slowly in and out. You can also take a finger from one hand and trace it around your open fingers while you do the breathing. Do this for a minute or maybe two, but as long as you can. And we need to remember that the calmer we are, the better it is for them. Try it and let me know how well it works. Now, this is point 2 of the 3 ways that we're discussing today to handle toddler tantrums, but you can get 10 of them by going to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums and get my guide showing you the 10 tried and tested ways to manage tantrums. But listen on to hear about Francesca, and get some more great nuggets. We're talking about the second way to manage toddler tantrums. And you might want to know, does it really help to acknowledge their feelings? Maybe you think acknowledging their feelings is kind of like putting petrol on a fire, or maybe you've tried it and it didn't work. This is possibly because you need to validate their feelings with some energy in your voice. This comes from an NLP technique called matching and mirroring to gain connection. So we would say something like, 'Oh no, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise how important it was for you to get in the car first before I strapped the baby in. That's why you're so upset. You wanted it to be you first, especially as so often you have to wait while I look after the baby.' Then wait and keep breathing. This won't always fix things immediately, and you might be thinking, 'You haven't seen my child. She can carry on for an hour,' which is why you you need to listen on. So let's circle back to Francesca. Sarah was capable of hour-long tantrums until she tried this one. So we've got 3 ways to handle a toddler tantrum, and here is the third one. How do we reduce the length of a tantrum? Now, if you were my client, I'd want to find out all about your child's specific temperament and their strengths. Francesca and I worked out that Sarah responded really well to hand massage. So the third way to help handle toddler tantrums is to work on soothing, calming techniques away from the tantrum. So Francesca worked on the hand massage, worked the hand massage into the schedule, and while she was doing it, she talked to Sarah about how good this massage was, how much it was helping Sarah stay calm. And when she started to get really cross about things, it really helps her because she's learned how to stay calm. It also gave them the opportunity to have a little one-to-one time that Sarah had been craving and talk about feelings. Now you might be thinking, I just don't have the time, but I challenge you to think about how long it takes to deal with the repercussions of a tantrum versus how long it takes to do something that your child responds well to. So on the day that Sarah had a tantrum on the pavement, Francesca was able to take Sara's hands and massaging because it's something that she'd figured out had really helped Sara specifically. Your child will be different, and we need to remember that the reason she responded well to the hand massage in the moment was because she'd been doing it at other times, not always just in the middle of a tantrum. Now, you might want to know more than 3 ways to manage a toddler tantrum, which is why you'll be pleased to know that I've got this amazing 3 free guide, 10 Tried and Tested Ways to Manage Tantrums and Mood Swings. All you need to do is go to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums. So let's wrap up here for today. Here's a quick reminder of the 3 things that we've been talking about, and you'll get more by getting my free guide. 1, stop, breathe, and stay calm yourself. Number 2, acknowledge your child's feelings with some emphasis in your voice. And number 3, work on ways to calm your child's nervous system, both away from the tantrums, which will then help during the tantrums. So these are powerful ways to help your child. And I'm so glad this episode was helpful to you, or I hope it was, and I hope it will be a great first step for you to address the issue. But you have to test it out yourself. And make sure you hit follow or subscribe so that you get alerted when my next episode comes out. And thank you so much for listening to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries with me, Camilla McGill.