How To Stop Kids Fighting in The Car

"Will you two stop fighting back there?" Oh, how we want to have a car journey without the screams and shouts. Or maybe you've strapped your kids in their car seats and the fighting and the name-calling begins. "Get off me, you're an idiot!" "Give that back to me!" It's honestly like someone is sticking pins in our eyes. We start off calm. "That's enough now, you two. I need you to be quiet as I can't concentrate." They carry on getting louder and louder. You need to stop squabbling. Jack, give Amy back her toy now. Then there's a loud screech. You lose it, and out come the threats. Right, that's it. I'll have to turn the car around. I'm going to tell Daddy about you two, and he's not going to be happy at all. He's going to be furious. Okay, I'm going to stop now and throw those toys out of the window if you don't stop. Our journeys can be so stressful, whether it's the 10-minute school run or a 5-hour trip to see Grandma. Nobody wants to spend it with the noise of kids fighting. So listen on as you're going to discover how you can make these trips without having to plug your kids into an iPad or go in separate cars. Let's face it, if we don't take action and make change, The whole thing starts over again next time you pick up the car keys. This exact same scenario was driving my client Andrea to distraction. She dreaded any car journey with her kids, and she realized that not only was it damaging her relationship with them, but it was also very damaging for their relationship with each other. So as they hurled nasty insults back and forth, really damaging for their relationship. I know that as a parent you want to have clear boundaries and be caring and compassionate, right? I'm Camilla McGill, a parenting coach with years of experience, and I'm a mum of 4. I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Back to kids fighting in the car and what we can do about it. Today I'm going to walk you through the ways to use my GREAT method in relation to car journeys. So let's get started. Step 1 is to resolve the kids fighting in the car. This happens before you open the door and preferably when you're not in a tearing hurry. In fact, even better, the night before when you've got a few moments to chat to your kids. Now you can either do this individually with them or together. The first step is G for the GREAT method. So before you open up any topic of conversation that you want, you want to G, get connected. This is usually to comment on something that they've been doing or have a quick chat about anything. Note, it is not while they're watching a screen. So this might sound something like, "Hey, I've seen you two have been really engaged in building a Lego tower. It's nice to see you playing together." If you've decided to have the conversation separately, then it might sound something like, "It seemed like you really had fun today in your swimming lesson. I've noticed how much you've improved." You might think this sounds weird, but I promise you, the more that you use this positive language, the more our children will listen and pay attention to us. Then you lead into the topic. The reason we get connected is so that we want our kids to be listened and connected with us, to listen and connected with us. I want to talk to you about car journeys as I've noticed how much you fight in the car, and I find it so hard to listen to you. Getting connected and introducing the topic of conversation is such an important part of helping to find solutions for this particular problem. So we're talking about ways to stop kids fighting in the car, and this is step 2, R. Reflect, respect their feelings and reflect on their emotions. So this is the R of the GREAT method. The point of this is to stand in their shoes, to make them feel understood, and to help them move towards finding a solution. We want them to find the solution as much as us giving it, instead of us giving it to them. So, when you're in the car with your brother, I've noticed that you fight a lot. You get really annoyed with him, and you often scream or try to take revenge if he pokes you or says something hurtful to you. Then we might pause and say, It's not nice for anyone really, is it? So we're reflecting their feelings at this point. When kids feel like you've understood them, they're so much more open to listening to you. But listen on as we've— we're coming on to more specific solutions, and I'm going to tell you how to handle it when you're actually in the car. But preparation work is really is the key. So how can we get kids to stop fighting fighting in the car. This is step 3 of the GREAT method: E, expectations. We need to set these out in advance and help our kids know what to expect. Okay, so we're gonna have a new rule about who sits where, otherwise there's just too much fighting about it. So for trips to school on Monday, you get to sit by the window, and then— and so on. Work out something that you are able to stick to. And go over it again before you even open the car door. We can also think of some games for you to play together that you might enjoy. You need to manage their expectations about what you're going to do if the fighting starts. I'll cover that later. So this part, again, I'm just saying, is before you even open the car door. And to make it easy for you, I've pulled together a great printable guide to get this great method written and typed up, and you can print it out and go over it. So you can get it by going to myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten. So we're talking about ways to stop kids fighting in the car, and this is step 4 of the GREAT method. A: Ask questions. When we involve kids by asking their opinion, they are so much more likely to be agreeable to the plan. So we might ask things like, 'What could you do if your brother starts to tease you?' We're looking for them to understand that the power is actually in saying nothing rather than fighting back. But we're going to get them on board much more if we ask them the question instead of telling them, 'Just ignore him.' 'What games would you like to play when you're strapped in?' 'If you want a toy that your sister has, can you snatch it from her?' What should you do instead? Asking questions is one of the best tools that we can use as parents, but watch your tone and avoid sarcasm, like, 'What should you do instead?' That's a sarcastic tone. So you might be thinking, 'However, how will I ever say all these things? It sounds so weird.' I want to encourage you just to try something new, and you will be really surprised at the results. Now, before Step 5 of The GREAT Method, I want to tell you about Andrea and how she used The GREAT Method for car journeys. She realized that not only did she need to work on the car journey ahead of time, but she also needed to stop scolding her kids in each other's earshot, which was fueling some of the competition that was happening between them. In fact, she realized that scolding or telling off really wasn't a good method of helping them to change. In fact, what was happening is they were modeling it with each other. So instead of saying things like, "Oh, look what you've done, Freddie. I can't believe you can be so silly. Why would you pour so much milk in your cereal? And now it's gone all over the table," which her kids were mirroring with each other on car journeys, calling each other stupid and criticizing each other, she started to use a more gentle, non-accusatory language. And be more generous about her interpretation of what her kids had done wrong. 'Oh dear, Freddy,' in the milk example, 'I think you made a mistake with the milk. You didn't realise how fast it poured out and that it was going to spill. Emily, would you help him clear it up if I give you both two cloths, even though it was Freddy who spilt it?' So this would mean that they would do the task to support each other. Now again, it might not always work, but I would say give it a try. Now onto our last step, and then we're gonna talk about how we handle conflict when we are in the car journey. So we are onto T, the final step of the GREAT method for resolving conflict in the car. Tiny steps of praise and validation. If your child does anything remotely right, catch it and praise it. We're so prone to noticing what they're doing wrong. So this might sound like, 'Hey, you two solved that fight so fast. Rachel, you let Jessie have the toy.' Now let's talk about what we're going to do in the car. Remember that you've already gone through the steps above in preparation. Maybe also you've used some of it already in the car, but we have to remember that preparation ahead of time is what's really going to make the difference to how car journeys turn out. So, we're going to use the GREAT method as we step towards the car. Okay, you two, whose turn is it to press the button today? Ask that question. Yes, and Rosie, which seat are you going to sit in today? Okay, so let's go over this again. Have you each got a book to look at or a toy to play with? Okay, now Rosie, if you want Ethan's toy instead, What can you do? Can you snatch it off them? Now, if you start to fight, what am I going to do? I strongly recommend that you simply pull over if your kids start fighting, as soon as you can. You pull over, you turn the engine off, and you say nothing. It's amazing how fast kids realise that you've stopped the car. Then you might go back to asking some questions. Okay, What do you need to do? How are you gonna resolve this? Now, again, you are gonna tell me that you don't have enough time, that you'll be late for school, but I want you to try this. And maybe for a couple of days you will be late for school, but you, you'll find that your kids stop fighting as much. So therefore it would've been worth it. So as a reminder, to make it easy for you, I've pulled together a great printable guide to my GREAT method. You can get it by going to myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten. And I want you to thank you so much for joining me today for Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Remember to get your guide and also tell your friends to subscribe to the podcast too.