I Lost It With My Kids – Now What?

Have you had one of those moments when you completely lost it? It seems like it comes from nowhere and you wonder, oh God, now what do I do? So today we are talking about those moments when the stress builds up and we snap. You know, maybe it was after a long day, maybe your child was pushing every button, or maybe like in my case, you also felt judged and it was just too much. And please know that I'm a parenting coach, but also I'm human. So here's a memory that really sticks with my mind. It was at the end of the long day. My mother-in-law had been to stay, which was always a little stressful in itself. I got my 4 kids into the bath and they like just started to become wild. They were shouting at the tops of their voices. They wouldn't listen. They wouldn't do anything I said. They were pushing water out of the bath. At that point, my husband walked in and he asked me, why can't you keep them quiet? Literally a nanosecond later, something in me just flipped and I completely lost it. And I screamed, well, you can just fuck off, at the top of my voice. I shouted at the kids then, and you can too. And then I stormed down the stairs and I could hear them shouting, mommy, where are you going? I ran out of the house. I jumped in the car, which is probably a really bad idea because I was in such a state. and I just drove off, and I was still feeling absolutely furious. As I started to calm down, I had so many emotions, including shame and guilt, and I'd kind of wondered if I'd damaged my kids. I felt judged by my husband, and I'd wished I'd handled it better. So this is what we're going to be diving into today: what leads us to these moments and the guilt that follows, and most importantly, how to move forward in in a way that's helpful for both us and our kids and our spouses. Book first. As a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So today I'm going to be covering 3 key strategies that help us repair and reset after we've lost it, and I'll also be answering a great question. I call them my question of the week. My 4-year-old wouldn't let it go. I said no to him using my phone, and he started nagging at me in that whiny voice and then he hit me. I absolutely lost it and I screamed at him. Then he started sobbing and I felt terrible. What kind of role model was I being and what should I do when this happens? So stick around until the end because I'm gonna give you really practical advice for that very question. But also first up, number 1, what causes us to lose it? So let's go deeper into why we lose it in the first place. These moments, like it was for me, they really don't just happen out of nowhere, even though it feels like they do. There's always something underneath the surface that's building up until we explode. So here are 5 of the biggest triggers that cause us to explode and lose it. Number 1, overload. We are juggling so much. We're juggling work, we're juggling running the home, we're juggling our relationships, our friendships. Maybe caring for parents in some way. And then there's the whole parenting aspect. There's homework, there's their extracurricular activities, there's food, there's just being with them, there's playing with them. There is just so much involved when we are a parent, and sometimes it all feels too much. Number 2, exhaustion. I help parents a lot with managing their children's sleep and getting them into much, much better, um, sleep patterns, but sleep deprivation, you know, particularly if you've got a young baby, it makes everything so much harder to handle. And you know, when we are sleep deprived, a small annoyance can really feel like a huge problem. And then, you know, that's just kind of when we're running on empty. So of course we're going to have low reserves. Number 3, feeling judged. Like when my husband asked me why I couldn't keep them quiet. I felt incensed that he thought I should be able to keep them quiet. In fact, actually what I learned later is that he'd just finished a really difficult day at work, which is why he was so annoyed with me. These things have such an impact on us and our relationship, but you know, that doesn't mean to say that was my fault or I should have known. Number 4, not feeling heard. When our child keeps ignoring us, it is such a button pusher. And when we feel like nobody listens to us, nobody's respecting us, and that frustration just builds. And number 5, it kind of plays into this expectation that we have that our child should listen to us, which causes us to very often to explode. But really, the other expectation, you know, if we expect ourselves to be endlessly patient and calm, We're kind of setting ourselves up for failure. And also just kind of recognizing what triggered us, you know, what were these moments that trigger us, can help us be more aware next time. So, next up, number 2, when dealing with these moments when we lose it is how guilt and shame affects us and why beating ourselves up doesn't help. So look, once the storm has passed, guilt and shame often take over, like they did for me. We think things like, oh God, have I damaged my child for life? What must they think of me? I really shouldn't have done that. Why am I like this? While guilt's a really common emotion, especially I think with mothers, it really isn't constructive, and shame It definitely isn't. It, it's our brain's way of saying, I care about being a good parent. But if we stay stuck in guilt and shame, we really don't learn or improve. In fact, we just feel worse. And here's the problem with beating ourselves up. It keeps us in this negative spiral, and then we are kind of potentially more likely to lose it again when we are in this negative spiral. And we also usually internalize the shame with that self-criticism, and rather than using it as a chance to show our child how to handle mistakes with that self-compassion, I mean, I'm really big on being compassionate to our children and also being compassionate to ourselves. And, you know, if we are not showing ourselves self-compassion, it really does get in the way of us taking action to change things for the future. So instead of dwelling on the mistake, the goal is to acknowledge and repair and reset it, which brings us really nicely to my last point, which has 3 key strategies. So the third point is when we lose it is how to repair and reset. So strategy number 1, and remember, if you are liking this podcast, hit follow. If you're liking this, hit follow or subscribe, um, so that you get to hear more of this. Number 1, acknowledge our own emotions. So we've gotta recognize what triggers us, triggered us, the stress, the exhaustion, the pressure. And instead of thinking, I'm a terrible mom, we can reframe it as I was overwhelmed and I overreacted. That's human. We can name the feelings. I felt really frustrated. I felt out of control. I felt judged. And this reduces the power that our emotions might have over us. And, you know, I'm a really big believer in breath. So maybe we just need to take a breath and pause. And even if the moment has already passed, just slowing down can help us shift our mindset. So we need to reflect on what led up to it. You know, what was it? Was it this tiredness, the stress, the pressure? Because identifying the root cause does help us for future blowups. And we re— also need to remind ourselves that One moment doesn't define us as a parent. What we do next is what matters most. Number 2, repair with our child. So if we've lost it, we can still repair. A simple, genuine apology really does go a long way. Wow, I felt really overwhelmed and I shouted. That's not how I wanted to handle it. Also about owning it. Because our children can think that it's their fault. So we can say, "This is my stuff, not yours." They don't need long explanations or kind of self-flagellation. Just seeing us acknowledge it helps them learn about emotional resilience and also avoid blaming themselves. So keep it brief and to the point, just an honest moment. And we can also show warmth like a hug, or a gentle touch on their back, that can really help reassure them that, you know, it isn't, we're not about being perfect. So it can also help reassure them. And also repair isn't about being perfect, it's about showing our child how to handle mistakes and move forward. And listen, think about like this, if another adult was involved, we might need to briefly acknowledge things with them. If another adult was involved, like i.e., our spouse, we might want to acknowledge it with them too. We don't have to over-apologize, but you know, a simple, "I really wasn't at my best earlier," it can reset the tone. I'm also a believer in using some humor when things have calmed down. And actually, that's what I did with my husband. When I came back, I was like, "Whoa, I really wasn't at my best then." You know, I think, as I say, humor can really good, be really good. And number 3, reset for next time. So we ask ourselves, what small shift could I make? You know, maybe next time when I'm feeling it build up, I could take a breath, I could step away, or I could ask for help. Maybe it's even, you know, just quickly phoning somebody. Obviously if children are in the bath, we're never gonna leave them there, but you know, stepping outside with the door open and just phoning a friend. So, identifying the triggers, you know, is it this exhaustion, overwhelm, or lack of support? Because, you know, when we name it, it does really help. Also, it can really help to make a plan. If that bath time period is very stressful, skip the bath or have a bath in the morning, or maybe you are having the bath after children have had their supper, have it before. You know, or maybe if you're prone to losing it as you walk in the house, if you've been at work all day, sit outside and take some deep breaths then. So really practice this, the idea of self-compassion. Instead of beating ourselves up, we need to remind ourselves that every parent struggles. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And also think about what would you say to a friend in the same situation? And I really think we need to offer ourselves the same kindness. So, I'm coming on to answer the question of the week, but I want to just remind you to hit subscribe or follow, and also you can book a free discovery call with me to talk things over. So go to myparentingsolutions.com, and you'll find the link there, or you can look at the show notes. So here is the question of the week. My 4-year-old wouldn't let it go. I said no to him using my phone and he started whining and crying, and then he hit me. I absolutely lost it and I screamed at him and then he started sobbing. Well, first of all, you probably gathered from today, you're not alone. So many parents experience this exact situation. So here's what I suggest. And you can go back over this podcast and also see the show notes because you might wanna think about the preventative things. But if it's already happened, the breath, which again, I'm gonna mention it again, acknowledge our own feelings to ourselves. I lost it because I was pushed to my limit, but it's not a sign of failure. It's a sign that I was human. And then we might want to repair and learn with our child. I'd wait a little bit till things have calmed down, and we might say something like, I felt really frustrated when you asked me for my phone and I shouted. I don't want to do that. Let's talk about what happened. I made a mistake. I'm not, wasn't going to give you my phone, but I shouldn't have shouted. So that was my mistake. Now, if we definitely want our children to take responsibility, we don't want to just say, here's the phone. That's not the solution to this. But we want them to learn, obviously, not to hit and not to nag at us. But how we go about that is going to make all the difference. So we might at this point say, what was your mistake? We just, you know, we've got to know that our child was frustrated and they reacted by hitting. Maybe this is still something that they need to learn how to handle differently. And we can say something like, "It's really okay to be upset. It's not okay to hit me. So next time, how might you be able to tell me with words?" And we could even practice that because the best kind of practice that we can do with our children is not when they are in the middle of that frustration. So, you know, it's like that muscle. So we can practice him asking and us saying no, and then being able to accept it. Because I'm really not saying that if they ask us in a nice voice without hitting us, that we're definitely going to say yes to things. We're not. I also feel like that some of these issues come about because we don't have clear boundaries. Things like phones and screens are terribly addictive. So I'd really recommend that you don't willy-nilly give your kid your phone because when we do, they just don't know where they stand. And you know, there will be times when we can and there are times when we can't. So actually, I would say really minimise how much time they spend on a phone, but also have some boundaries around screens, full stop. But you know, there will be other times when they're nagging and it might be unexpectedly. And you might find you've got a child that really struggles with the no. So we might try giving them a choice. You know, perhaps they've really nagged for ice cream and it's just before supper. You could say something like, you can have a piece of fruit or a cracker, but ice cream isn't an option right now. If they start escalating, remind yourself, this is his struggle, not mine, and my role is to help my child cope with the emotion, not to give in to the tantrum. So I can stay calm. We could say to ourselves, look, I really know this isn't always easy. So again, please do reach out to me and book a discovery call. And also on my website, myparentingsolutions.com, there's lots of free resources and see the show notes. So to wrap up for today, remember this, every parent loses it sometimes, But one moment doesn't define us. And just to go over what we covered, we covered what causes us to lose it, that losing our temper doesn't come out of nowhere. We're often triggered by this sense of overload as a parent. Number 2, how guilt affects us and why beating ourselves up doesn't help, because when the guilt steps in, we can often get stuck in the guilt. And lead us to a cycle of shame, which makes it harder to make real changes. And number 3 was about repairing and resetting, that moving forward, acknowledging what happened, repairing the relationship with your child, and setting ourselves up to handle things differently next time. So I hope that you've enjoyed today. Again, that discovery call is always there for you. Please subscribe. And recommend the podcast to your friends, and also give me a review if you can. That would be great. So thank you for listening to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries with me, Camilla McGill, and I'll see you in the next episode where I'm talking to the lovely mum Katie, who's having a really hard time with her little boy, her 3-year-old, who is very prone to hitting out. So we're gonna be talking about how to manage it when our kids get very emotionally disregulated. Thank you so much for listening.