Stay Calm at Bedtime: Three Simple Strategies for Stressed-Out Parents

It's the end of the day and we want to spend just enough time with our kids to connect and go through the bedtime routine, but it's taking so long. We've called them to the bath and they laugh and run off and hide under the sofa. We might have got them in the bath and they scream blue murder when it's time to get out. Then the endless requests: I don't want that story, I want this one, I need more milk, I'm hungry. They hop on and off of the bed and they interrupt us when we're trying to read the story. We try to stay calm, but something wells up inside inside us and we lose it. Then all hell breaks loose. If this sounds familiar, then I want you to stay tuned to this week's episode, Stay Calm at Bedtime: 3 Simple Strategies for Stressed-Out Parents. But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So today we're not only talking about how to stay calm at bedtime, but you'll want to listen to the question of the week: how do you deal with it when they insist on one more hug, uh, but it just isn't enough? Because you give the hug and then it's, I want some more milk, or stay with me, and then we get really, really triggered and often wind up getting angry. So stay with me because I will be covering the question of the week at the end. I have really been there with bedtime struggles, and I look back and regret some of the ways that I handled it. I definitely wound up shouting or making ridiculous threats. And here's what would happen when I shouted: it made things worse. Like, duh, why would I think that it's going to make things better? And then the threats, they tend to get more and more ridiculous, right? That's it, you're not going to your friend's birthday party. And then we've shot ourselves in the foot because the birthday party gives us 2 hours off on the weekend. So I'm definitely not gonna want to prevent my kid from going to the party. However, today's episode is going to take a look at why we lose our patience and wind up handling bedtime in a way that we regret and do things like shout or threaten. And I'm going to give you 3 great takeaways. So first up, number 1, a quick pre-bedtime mindset reset. Here's what I recommend: take a moment to center yourself before starting the bedtime routine. Honestly, it can take as little as a few seconds, and it might be done before we walk in the door from work, or if we've been with the children all day, we might take a really quick dash to the loo and just sit there. I don't know about you, but I also used to imagine that everybody else had bedtime nailed, and I got so annoyed with myself when my kids messed about. But it really helps to recognize that bedtime resistance is normal, and it doesn't mean that we've done anything wrong. It's a rare child that goes to bed willingly, happily. Most don't. Why would they want to end the fun and sleep? So why do I recommend a quick mindset reset? Here's why. I say this a lot, but kids are sponges. They pick up on everything. And when we approach bedtime with a calm and grounded mindset, it helps our kids to feel secure and relaxed. Most of the parents I work with have very busy lives. I get it. There's a lot of juggling and rushing. So the solutions that I aim to give are quick and easy to implement. So here is how. Practice some deep breathing. Breathe in for 10, hold for— sorry, breathe in for 5, hold for 5, and breathe out for 10. Some kind of combination like that, whatever works for you. Put on some calming music. Literally a minute or two can make a big difference to us. Or maybe use a calming mantra, like something that we say to ourselves I'm calm. I've got this. It honestly doesn't take long, but literally before you put your key in the door, to say, I've got this. And visualize a smooth and peaceful bedtime routine to help shift from frustration to positivity. This is a technique that is really well known to athletes and performers, visualizing things going well. The evidence is that when we visualize something going well, it helps to influence the outcome. Prepare ahead to reduce stress. So literally set up the bedroom, close the blinds, pick out the pajamas, and minimize the distractions. And here's a key thing: switch off our phones. Things like that. So, okay, parenting mindset reset is one way to stay calm about bedtime, but you're gonna want to hear the second way. So the second way to stay calm at bedtime is to create a predictable Soothing routine. What do I mean by this? Establish a consistent calming sequence of activities leading up to bedtime. It can be done, I promise you. There are so many ways to do this and different children respond to different calming activities. So why is this important? Because predictability reduces anxiety for kids, making them more likely to cooperate. It also helps us to stay on track without resorting to the frustration of last-minute decisions, changing our mind on things. Have you noticed that kids are often much more cooperative in a nursery or school setting? One of the reasons is, is that the routines are clear and predictable. Knowing this helps us to keep to the routine. Even if we're the sort of parent who resists strict routines, it is still possible to stick to a bedtime routine. So how we want to make the— keep the routine pretty simple and repeatable and also get everyone involved on the same page. It might be bath, pajamas, teeth, story, cuddles, kiss goodnight. I'm a big fan of using visual cues to refer to. So even though we know what needs to happen and we think they know what needs to happen, when we use kids to show like now and what happens now and what happens next, it's really helpful for us to stay calm, especially— and for them to understand— especially when we refer to the list or the pictures depicting the sequence of the bedtime events. Don't you find that kids hate to be told what to do? This is because toddlers and young kids seek control in a world where they are told what to do a lot. So an easy solution is to give your kids some small choices within the routine to give them a little bit of a sense of control. So you could say, 'What toys do you want to have in the bath? What pajamas do you want to wear? You can choose a story.' We might want to limit the story choices, offer them one of 3 stories that we've picked up because some of them are really long. 'Do you want to read sitting on the bath, sitting on the floor, or on your bed?' Things like that. So if you're enjoying this so far, remember to hit subscribe or follow, and also you can go to myparentingsolutions.com/bedtime to grab yourself a Stay Calm at Bedtime checklist. Now, the third way that we are going to help ourselves stay calm at bedtime is to hold the boundaries with empathy. This, it, it, it's when we feel our kids are just pushing and pushing that we're kind of inclined to lose it. But we've got, really need to remind ourselves that holding the boundary is important for everyone. I refer you back to the first point, the bedtime reset mindset. Mindset reset, reminding us to breathe and center ourselves. But kids will naturally push the boundaries. They're designed to do that. But remember, we can hold them without getting cross, shouting, or threatening. I know it's not easy. Kids can make us feel so guilty, but then we keep flipping and flopping and giving in, and then our stress levels can build up, and when— and then we wind up losing it. So what are we gonna do to hold the boundaries with empathy? Be firm but gentle when setting the limits. Once we've decided on what the boundaries are, we need to stick with them, even if they trigger a tantrum. When we keep changing our mind, okay, I'll let you watch the iPad. All right, I'll bring you a honey sandwich. Okay, you can get out of bed in search of that elusive toy you haven't seen in weeks. Why is this important? Clear boundaries provide a sense of security, while compassion helps prevent power struggles and promotes us— them— helps them to be cooperative. So how? We're going to use empathetic language. I know that it's hard to stop playing. Here's what I'm going to do. Keep that— I'm going to keep that puzzle for you so that you can finish it tomorrow. You really wanted an extra story. '2 doesn't feel like enough. I really understand.' Staying calm and consistent. Don't give in to delay tactics, but also avoid harsh tones of voice, which often do rise up at bedtime because it's confusing for them. And when we reach that crescendo and get cross, they get confused. Again, I refer you back to the other tips about staying calm and having a clear routine. So we can hold the boundary by offering maybe a small comforting always. I've mentioned one already, but this might be, 'Would you like the hallway light on too?' 'Do you want to have 3 or 4 teddies with you when I leave you tonight?' And I'm just going to go over what we've covered today. And also, you can go to myparentingsolutions.com/bedtime to grab yourself a Stay Calm at Bedtime checklist. Number 1: a quick pre-bedtime mindset reset. Remember, a mantra, a breath, visualizing it going well. Number 2, create a predictable soothing routine for bedtime, one that all parties can stick with. Number 3, hold the boundaries with empathy. When we stand in our kids' shoes and understand, it helps us to stay calm. So back to the question of the week: how do we deal with it when they insist on one more hug but it just isn't enough? Because We give the hug and then it's, "I want some more milk," or it's, "Stay with me," and then we get really triggered and we wind up getting angry. So again, we need to remind ourselves that wanting to have an evening without our child isn't selfish. Kids need their rest and we need to have our time away. So what we find is that if we keep going back on our word, it undermines our authority and it's very confusing for them. It also means our resentment builds up. So we've got to make the boundary clear first off. It helps them, so it helps to ask a question back. How many cups of milk can you have at bedtime? We've already told them that they can only have one. How many hugs do I give? And then be empathetic. I understand. That's really disappointing. It's, it's, you know, it's hard when you don't get what you want. Again, I just say, even if it risks them having a tantrum, we can help them deal with the big feelings that come up with them. And actually, it really helps their resistance— their, sorry, resilience, because they know that they can cope with the disappointment of not having the extra cup of milk. If you've enjoyed this, today's episode, please remember to hit follow or subscribe and give me a rating and write a review. You. Thank you so much for listening to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries with me, Camilla McGill.