Why Scolding, Shaming, or Punishment Fails to Improve Behaviour

Our child has done something we're really upset about. They've pushed the food away that we've just put down in front of them. They've called us stupid, or they've snatched a toy away from their friend and refused to give it back. Surely we need to tell them off, scold them, use some shaming tactics. 'You're rude, selfish little boy.' How else will they learn the difference between right and wrong? Well, if you're a parent who remembers the sting of being shamed, and if you're worried about the effects of punishment and want to raise your child in a different way, then you're definitely going to want to listen on to today's episode: Why Scolding, Shaming, or Punishment Fails to Improve Behavior. So imagine being able to hold a boundary and help your kid learn appropriate responses without having to make them feel bad. How would that feel? But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and As a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Well, what we've got to remember is this: we need to help our child develop emotional intelligence. This means teaching them to recognize and understand their own emotions, manage their feelings in a healthy way, and be aware of the emotions of others. This involves guiding them to be self-aware and empathetic. It helps them to develop their intrinsic knowledge of what's right and wrong. It's their inner compass, if you like. And if we rely on scolding or shaming, it can damage our child's self-esteem, making them feel like they're a bad kid. And when a kid feels bad about themselves, they're more likely to internalize their emotions, which can make them less open to communicating and more prone to hiding their mistakes instead of learning from them. It can also have the opposite effect: 'I'll show you how bad and naughty I am,' and it actually encourages more inappropriate behavior. They behave worse as a result of it. So today I'm going to delve into 3 reasons why scolding and shaming or punishment are not effective, and I'm going to cover the question of the week. This is a really good one: 'My son stole his brother's chocolate. Surely I need to punish him for that.' Look, we want our kids to make the right choices because their own internal compass tells them to, not because they're afraid of getting into trouble. So first up, a reason why I never recommend shaming or scolding or punishing. Number 1: it damages their self-esteem. When we shame or scold, we'll often make children feel that they're the problem, they are a problem, rather than they didn't choose the right thing to do. So a child who hears, "You're so naughty," internalizes that as a part of his identity. He may start to believe that he's incapable of doing the right thing, which can lead to even more negative behavior because he feels helpless, or she. So if you feel hopeless, what's the point in trying? Because I'm just the bad kid. We can worry that if I don't scold her, how will she cope in life when somebody else does? It's a really great point. But look, let's take the analogy of a young tree. If we don't water or put the tree in the soil that nurtures its growth, it won't thrive. And if we do nurture it, feed it, and water it, and give it sunlight, it grows strong. Then if a high wind comes along, it has strong roots and it survives. It's the same with our kids. When we nurture their self-esteem, it means that they won't be crushed by the criticism of others because they've got strong roots. Hit follow or subscribe if you like this and listen on. So number 2, this may sound controversial, but if we criticize or punish or frequently scold our kids, it creates fear, not respect. Many parents think that if a child is scared of getting into trouble, they'll stop misbehaving. But fear isn't the same as respect. When children are afraid of being punished or yelled at, they might comply in the short term, but they're not learning the deeper lesson of why their behavior is wrong. Instead, they tend to hide their mistakes in the future or become sneakier to avoid punishment, blame other people, or cover things up. And that actually only leads to more problems down the line. Many years ago, my 7-year-old son hunted around the house before his birthday and he found his presents. It was so tempting to berate him for doing that, to tell him how naughty that was, or even threaten to not give him the presents. Instead, I acknowledged how hard it is not to be curious. I said it was a shame that he'd spoiled his surprise, but I left it at that. His sister had a birthday not long after that, and I overheard him giving her advice. Scarlet, don't hunt for your presents, as it means your birthday isn't as special, he told her. He was able to learn and understand and help his sister without feeling bad about himself. So again, hits, um, Follow or subscribe if you're liking this. Number 3, it breaks the connection between us and our child. Parenting is all about connection. When we scold or shame our kids, we drive a wedge between them and us. They might feel misunderstood or hurt, and instead of coming to us for guidance when they're struggling, they pull away. This disconnection makes it harder for us to guide them in the future because the trust is broken. Remember, kids want to please us, but when they feel constantly criticized, they shut down or they actually act out even more. So many of the things that they do are driven by impulsivity. Their brain isn't mature enough to stop and think. And we say things like, why did you do that? Why didn't you stop and think? What a stupid thing that was to do. They didn't because their brains are immature. Our nurturing and our understanding of them helps to develop that maturity. It helps them to flourish and distinguish between right and wrong. Yes, we need to teach them the difference between right and wrong and help them develop sensitivity to others' needs. So let's say we're in a quiet café with our child and they're feeling restless and they start to talk really loudly or shout and maybe jump up and down on the seat. So instead of, "Stop that, be quiet, don't be so rude," Or the opposite, we might think, "Oh, kids are kids," and actually it is annoying to other people. We can say something to them like, "It's hard for you to talk quietly, and it looks like you've got lots of energy. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to play the whispering game while I finish my drink, and then we'll go outside and you can have a good run around as other people here are having quiet time." Again, remember to hit follow or subscribe if you like this. But I understand that staying calm isn't easy, especially if our kids have gone over the edge, at which point, say the cafe, we just need damage limitation and we just gotta get out of there as soon as possible. Always remembering that our kids are learning and they're driven by feelings and it's our job to help. The key is to use discipline as a teaching tool rather than as a punishment. So back to that question of the week: shouldn't I punish my son for stealing a chocolate bar from his brother? It's a great question, and it's one that a lot of parents struggle with. The key here is to shift our mindset from punishment to teaching. Yes, this boy needs to know that what he did was wrong, but yelling at him or shaming him will only make him feel worse about himself. And often they just get defensive and deny they've done it and not learn a better way for next time. So instead of saying, "How could you do that? You should be ashamed of yourself," try this: get curious, not furious. Describe the emotion that probably caused him to take it. "I wonder if you felt jealous that your brother got chocolate and you didn't. Maybe you knew you shouldn't take it, but you couldn't stop yourself." 'You love chocolate and we don't often have it at home, so you really wanted some.' Understanding the why gives you insight into how to handle the situation. And explain the impact of their actions. 'When you take something without asking, it upsets your brother because it's not fair. It also means he doesn't trust you because next time he might blame you for something that goes missing that you haven't actually taken.' This helps them understand the effect of their choices on others. And offer a solution. 'Next time, if you want something, let's talk about it.' And, 'How can you make it right with your brother now?' So encourage them to apologize or share something in return, reinforcing the idea of taking responsibility. So instead of focusing on the behavior, not the child, talk about why it's important to ask for permission and also how his actions affected his and then guide him towards making amends. This approach not only helps him to learn, but it also strengthens our relationship and shows him that mistakes are opportunity to learn and grow, not something to be afraid of. So what can you do next? If you find you're getting stuck in the cycle of scolding or shaming and you're really not sure how to break free of it, I'd love to support you. I offer free discovery calls where we can talk through your specific challenges and come up with a plan to transform inform your approach to parenting, just head over to my website myparentingsolutions.com and book a discovery call. They're free. Thank you so much for listening today. Remember, every small step you take towards positive parenting makes a huge difference in your child's life. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend and hit subscribe so you never miss an episode of Raising Kids With Love and Boundaries. Until next time, thank you so much for listening from me, Camilla McGill, from My Parenting Solutions.