Breaking the People-Pleasing Cycle: Strategies for Women to Reclaim Their Power

And I'm not going to trust that we can have a conflict, settle it and not have to berate each other or treat each other unkindly or whatever it is you want to say. All of that being very hard to do, but I feel like when you're processing through it, saying it with yourself and having that in yourself helps the communication. It doesn't make it easier, but at least you have it there already.

Yeah, yeah. It's like you're only as good as your standards and what standards are you gonna set for yourself? And I love the allow. Right. It's like what I will allow and what I don't allow. Because I think especially people pleasers. Oh, yes, right. They allow to be stepped on. They allow so much. They don't have boundaries.

Yeah.

Welcome back to the Rise, Shine and Redefine podcast. Today I'm excited to introduce a remarkable gu, Kim Moore. Kim is a certified life coach and educator known for creating safe spaces where women can embrace their true selves and prioritize self care. She's also the host of the Share your self care podcast where she dives deep into harmonizing energy and wellness. Kim's message today is one of embracing our authentic selves and bringing our best energy to every space we enter. Will be diving into her inspiring journey, how she helps women reclaim their wholeness and the unique way she integrates breathwork and mindfulness into her coaching practice. Hi Kim. I'm so excited you are here. I'm ready to dive into all the things with you between starting your business, transferring from you were an educator into coaching and that's just a journey in itself. But, but I wanted you to share your story of where the self transformation started, how you've become resilient and just overcoming the personal challenges so that you can help women step into their power. Please let me know how or let all of us know how that came about. I'm so excited to hear.

Yes. So it's so such a long story. I feel like it started back, you know, even in my childhood, just, you know, feeling comfortable in myself, definitely experiencing some bullying, just being made fun of, which I feel like all kids experience in some form or fashion in their life by my peers though. And so just learning. I always say that my mom was my first teacher of self love because, you know, if I ever came home crying to her, she was always just such a support and really helping me to find who I am deep on the inside, you know, with some character and developing that in my life and being supportive and always Letting me know that there's so much more to a person, you know, and to learn how to dust yourself off, you know, and get back up and do what you need to do. And so with that, I feel like I learned a lot about myself. But also with that, I was always pushing, improving, and so, you know, I was very much so a go getter and always on fire and always doing all the things, and it had to be this way. And I made sure my grades were good and none of those things are bad. But the drive of that was definitely approving, you know, that I am this great person. And so I feel like that carried over into my adult life. And so I pushed and pushed and pushed and again, being very successful in it, you know, being an educator, going to school for that, finding a teaching job, you know, doing everything that I needed to do, starting a family while going to grad school and just, you know, like, pushing and going. And then one day, my body said no. And I find myself on the side of the road, clammy, sweaty heart beating fast. And just before that, I was headed to work with a bagel in my hand and, you know, know, jamming, listening to my music, and I had to pull over on the side of the road. I thought I was having a heart attack. I called my mom because that's where I had just dropped my kids off at, and she came to get me. And we went to the hospital and the doctors were like, there's nothing wrong with your heart. You're perfectly fine. And he came in and asked me what was going on in my life. And by then my husband, now my ex husband, was there, and him and my mom were in the room. And I was just going down the list of everything that I was doing. You know, I was teaching Sunday school. I was head of praise and worship at my church. I had two kids who by that time might have been elementary school age. I was a guidance counselor at work. And it was testing week. And I just was burning. Oh, I did the youth group at my church. So I was burning at both ends with. Without replenishing myself. And he said, you probably had a panic attack because there's nothing else wrong. And from that point on, I was like, okay, you know, I need to do something that's calming, you know, that lets me pour back into myself. And I started doing yoga. And that began me on this quest for wellness, for wholeness. It wasn't the only stop, but it was definitely the first that got my attention to say, hey, you're doing too Much.

Yeah. Okay. So I'm sure so many people listening feel you, right. You're trying to do all the things you think you have to do all the things.

Yeah.

You have a health scare and it's like, oh, well, we tend to wait until we have to.

Exactly right.

And I like the mindset of we get to.

Right.

So just. You said you started yoga practice. I love that. But my question is, okay, you're doing all the things, right? You're head of, you're doing the gospel, you're doing the counseling, you're being a mom, you're an educator, all the things. And then it's like, oh, wait, now I gotta add yoga to my day. So how did you balance creating space for yoga when you had all these other things on your plate? Did you let some of it go? What did you do?

So I had some conversations with people and said, listen, I need this time. Also another thing that happened was my school. So that probably was the spring, so summer was coming up, so I was really able to practice. The following school year, my school district decided to start high school at 9 o'. Clock. So I had extra time that I didn't have before because I used to have to be to work by 7:30, then I didn't have to be there till about 9 and I was able to carve out that time for myself in the morning. I also hired a life coach of my own who taught me these really small, small little things to do in like 10, 15 minutes and so share what are the things carved out that time? Then I was able to expand it because I realized the importance. And I think that's the thing is that we always think we have to squeeze it in. And initially it is a squeeze in, but then when you realize the value that it adds to your life, you make time for it, you know, you invest that time for yourself. So at first it was just as simple as, when I get up, do not touch my phone. You know, like.

And that's a hard one.

Yes. It's not the first thing you grab, you know, So I put it over on the side and I think though it still was my alarm, but I would just turn it off, I wouldn't pick it up. So then I would do an anchoring exercise or just a closing of my eyes, taking a couple deep breaths, and then just saying I'm here and allowing myself to feel that. And it was a challenge at first, not running through everything I had to do for the day because that's where my mind went immediately. Just Okay, I gotta get up. The kids gotta get ready. Then this is what I'm gonna do when I get to work. So just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel that I'm here.

Yeah. Just really presencing yourself without the mind looping into everything that. Because it doesn't serve you.

Yes.

Right.

Yeah. It.

To some point, it's like, okay, I do have a checklist, but.

Right.

We need to come back to center and feel grounded so that we can show up in our fullness. Right.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Because we don't. Like, we don't think of that. And I was just having this conversation the other day, is that we think we can just keep going and nothing has to be replenished except maybe just passing out to sleep at night.

Yeah. You can't pour from an empty cup. Right.

And there's so much more that we can do during our day that helps us to pour into our cup. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It can definitely be an integration of the two.

So what's one thing that just starting today that we could. We could start filling our cup? Like, what's just an easy way, especially for women and moms. Right. And working moms.

Right.

Or mompreneurs. It's like, what can they do? Or what can women do? Or what can I do?

Yeah.

To really start filling my cup. That's easy and not. Oh, another thing to add to my plate.

Yeah. I think what I am learning is that it's different for everyone. And to find that thing, it can be something so small. But I think the first step is noticing and being aware. So like I said, if you take a step back, take a couple of breaths, noticing how you're feeling in your body, in your mind, your emotions. Are there any emotions there? If you do have a spiritual practice, is there a disconnection there to actually just pay attention to? The messages are already coming through. We're just ignoring them. You know, we're just ignoring them. So if we take a minute, like, if you just notice without judgment, you know, I'm exhausted because I can't get this done. Those are judgments. But noticing that you're exhausted and then meeting that need, whether that's to take a nap or to just cuddle up with something soft, you know, make some time just to have a minute to yourself as soon as you get home from work, whatever it is. I have people who have shared with me in conversation about going back to their childhood and doing something fun, like blowing bubbles. You know, it's different for everyone. I know somebody who as soon as they get off from work, they've asked their husband, can you just take the kids for a half an hour? I just need a half an hour before I jump into mom and family mode. And she just takes off her shoes, she goes straight to the room and she just takes the 30 minutes. And it may not be 30 minutes that you have. Maybe it's just 15, you know, so finding that thing for you that just lets you go for a second, you know?

Yeah, I heard so many magical nuggets in this. So one, it's really creating a space for you to just have your own me time, whatever that looks like for you. It doesn't matter. It could be reading a book, it could be taking a nap, it could be taking a bath, a shower, whatever. It's just really. And maybe off technology, right? Because technology makes us loop in the mind. And the other thing that I really love and I truly believe in this is awareness, right? Is like when we start having the awareness of what is happening or what's going on, we can let things start. We can start to accept all these parts of us, right? And like you said, you know, notice without judgment, right? But it's hard because it's like you start beating yourself up because you didn't do this or you didn't hang out with your kids or whatever it may be. And it's like, wait a minute. Like, okay, let's just have awareness of the story that I'm telling myself. Like, what is the story I'm creating? Because imagine a car accident happens and five people see it. You're going to get five different stories on what happened. So true, right? It's like learning to change the lens of how we think about things, right? Because thoughts create feelings, feelings create behavior and your actions. So I think it's such a beautiful practice is to help people become more aware. Because either you think you have no awareness or you don't think you have any blocks or limiting beliefs, right? Or then you're like, oh, my God, I have so many limiting beliefs like, how am I going to survive life? And then it's like, okay, how can we use this awareness to our mastery of, oh, okay, I'm now aware of maybe things in my childhood, right, that get to come up and out or bringing the fun back into your life, right? Because we're always go, go, go, go, go, like you said, especially moms, it's like, just take a pause. It's okay to pause. The dishes can be cleaned later. Like it doesn't matter. But we may, we think it matters and we make it a bigger story. And then we loop. Right. And we feel it in our body, and then we feel it in our head, and then it goes back to our body and we're just like constantly in this loop of spiraling.

Yeah.

So I just really appreciate you sharing. Look, take 15 minutes. Just tell whoever you're with, tell your child. And look, if you have a young child, like, put them in the play pen, just take a minute for yourself. If you're a single parent, put them in the play pen. I promise you that 15 minutes will make you a better parent and show up differently for your family. So I absolutely love that. Such good insight. Thank you. Okay, so you transferred into life coaching. And I love life coaching. I am in the process of becoming a certified mastery method coach. I think it everyone needs coaching. My own biased opinion. Best profession in the world. Yeah. So how did this transition happen? How were you? Like, okay, panic attack, educator, all the things incorporated yoga. And now it's like, okay, I had a life coach. What was the deciding factor on transferring to life coaching?

Okay, so I feel like in some way being a guidance counselor, I had the opportunity as well as a teacher, the thing that really motivated me as an educator was to see a kid have an aha moment, you know, whether that was about their themselves. I would do a learning style test assessment on each kid at the beginning of the year, just getting them to know, this is how I learn. And so for me, it was less of the subject and more about them learning about themselves. Same as a guidance counselor, getting them to start thinking about what they want it to be. So I feel like I've done that in little spaces also being a confidant to my friends, like, able to talk to them, listen and, you know, hold their secrets. And so when I formally, right before I started I Am Me life coaching, I was doing a nonprofit with some friends and my mom. And what we were doing was we were helping women, helping them make decisions, maybe to go back to school to have some career exploration, to helping them get a job and things like that. And then I decided, oh, you know, I might want to do this for profit. And so I had attended a class with a, or a workshop with a life coach. And I contacted her and she said, if you want to be a life coach, hire a life coach so you can see the process and you can understand it. So I went in, hiring my life coach, which was an amazing story all on its own. And so when I hired her. I learned so much about myself that wanting to be a life coach was the reason why I went in. But self awareness, discovery, all of that happened in the midst of it. And then after that, I did a mentorship with her. So it was total, totally separate. You know, I came in with wanting one thing, but became a sincere client and opened up things that I did not even know I was harboring, you know, and how it was affecting my habits and my behavior and my mindsets and the whole loop thing we were just talking about. And so it helped me and I said, okay, I really want to do this. And so I stepped into that 10 month mentorship with her and then I worked, and that was probably 20, 17 and 18. So I worked as a teacher for about five more years and through and I continued coaching with her in a group setting. And finally I said, I feel the pull to make this thing work. And so I looked at my options. I had like four meetings with financial consultants and things like that and made the jump.

Amazing. I love that. Okay, so for my new coaches that are also listening, what did you do to create clients like, you know, you went from educator to okay, I'm a life coach.

Still building. Still definitely building it. And it's not something that takes a little bit of time. I feel like it's one. Every time you take advantage of a conversation with someone, every time you offer something, you know, and be creative, I'm finding that when we step into a space, we're off helping people who are like us. And so not that you create things just for you, but from your heart that, you know, people could use because it has helped you and so create those things in fun ways that light you up and therefore may light other people up just coming from that space. And I think anytime we take advantage of that, we're moving a step closer to where we're going to be.

Yeah. And also I love take advantage of conversations and be so interested in what they have to say.

Yes.

Right. People love to talk about themselves, so it's such a. If you can hold that for them and ask them questions. And I know you're a coach and as you had life coaching, they ask you powerful questions. And yes, you start thinking differently.

And.

And when you get somebody to start thinking differently by asking them a powerful question, they're like, oh, okay, what else does this person have to offer for me? Exactly. I love it. So beautiful. Okay, so in your life coaching, you help with harmonizing energy and wellness. Can you tell me a little bit more about that.

Yes. So I think when we. As we talked about with the running around and the energy, sometimes we. The phrase I hear a lot is, I'm stressed or I'm tired, I'm exhausted, you know, and even when we get better sleep, people are still like, but I just feel the same. I wake up feeling the same. And so there's different energies within all of us. It's not just physical energy. There's emotional energy, there's mental energy, there's spiritual energy. And so when we can find support for all of that, our states of being, then we can start to feel replenished, refreshed and refueled, ready to go. So there's so many parts of our wellness. In fact, there's even. I'm looking into the eight dimensions of wellness, which just. Which includes the spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional. But it also adds occupational, financial, social, and environmental. So you're in our environments around us. Are they feeding us? Do we have things that make us feel loving? Like, are there pictures around that make us think of our family? Because when we look at images, we're taking that in. All of it is energy, all of it is information. And so do we have things that remind us of love, of care, of joy? You know, what are we taking in? You know, visually, are we. Or. Or audibly, are we taking in things that build us up, or are we just constantly with the trash? As far as socially, do we have those support systems around us financially? Is there something that we're working towards, a goal? Are we where we want to be financially? Do we have some money stories that are keeping us stuck where we are? You know, are there some thoughts that come through on a daily basis that we're just shoving down? Because sometimes the truth is when we slow down, the silence is loud, you know, very loud. And so sometimes we're busy because we're avoiding.

That's right. We're choosing to be busy.

Yes.

Because we're avoiding something else. We're avoiding facing a fear or we're avoiding a feeling.

Yes.

Right.

And so all of those things come into play. What are we doing to really tune into those spaces and see where we are again? Going back to the noticing, and then how do we meet the need of ourselves? Or. And even before that, maybe there's some healing that needs to go on, you know, are we making space for that? Are we reaching out to coaches, to therapists, to whatever our higher power? Are we taking time to feel that part of us and to heal it so that we can move forward or we just noticing and then saying, okay, you know, I thought I was over that. Or that's something from my past that I don't have time to address that, or I'm afraid to address it because so much will come up, and I don't know how to do that by myself. Are we supporting ourselves in that way to become whole and then moving forward? And actually, we heal as we move forward, because it's not just one healing. Sometimes it takes a while. And, you know, sometimes it's many things.

Yeah. And reprogramming unconscious programming takes time. And it does take the awareness. And it's like, okay, like you said, we could be aware, but then, okay, I'm aware now what? Or it's like, okay, wait a minute. Now I can connect the dots of understanding. You know, how I show up in my relationship. Right. Let's be real. It always goes back to our childhood.

Yes.

Everything goes back to our childhood. I mean, every. Right. Because until we're seven, we are programming our subconscious mind, and then it gets sealed by what's called the critical factor. And it's, like, really hard to change those belief systems exactly after the age of seven. So it's like, okay, when we can go back to our childhood of things that were programmed in us and start having compassion for that part of us and giving little you a hug and nourishment, it's like, that's how we start reprogramming the belief system and the unconscious beliefs and have this awareness to show up differently in our life. We just get so stuck in the cycle and the loop coming back to the loop, and it's like, wait a minute. We can really reprogram these things. And I. I know you mentioned in your life coach, like, when you had your mentor and life coach, probably a lot of things came up for you, and. And you have this awareness, and you're like, oh, okay, this is just a story from my childhood. This is just a story from my childhood.

You.

You are not your mind. You're exactly right. And it's like, okay, wait, is this my mind speaking or is it my essence? And when you can start pulling those apart, you're like, oh, this is just my mind.

I love that.

Yeah, I get to. I can choose how to think differently. Like, I have that freedom of choice. Like, I have the freedom to feel the way I want to feel. We tend to blame others for the way we feel. Well, you made me feel like this. But it's. Well, yes. And. Right. Our programming. Right.

Yes. The way we've been our experience. We're living, we're bumping into each other's experience, you know, all the time as people. And so what may be a big deal to you might not be to someone else. And so when you meet that space, whatever it is, whether it's a conflict or through a conversation, whatever that is, that you're know that you're talking to a piece of them, to a piece of their experience that you don't know about. And they may not be aware that it's this thing, like you said, that happened in childhood. And when we can take a minute and step back and like you said, be the witness and not be our minds in our thoughts, we can recognize that, oh, okay, I understand where that's coming from. And then even we don't start off being able to communicate it to other people. Again, the first step is awareness. But again, once you're getting into the healing part of that, learning how to communicate that outwardly, once you've recognized it and done some work on the inside, then able to communicate it to people. Just imagine how our world would be if people could take a step back a minute and say, oh, okay, I understand where that hurts at for me. And it may not have anything to do with the other person, but then maybe you can communicate that to them and say, this is why that this is where I went when you said this. You know.

Yeah. I'm gonna give you an interesting example of what happened to me the other day. So I hired somebody to come and reorganize my pantry, my laundry room, my clothing closet. But I did it when my husband was out of town because I was like, he is not gonna be happy I'm hiring somebody to do this. But you know what it takes, like when there's calm, when there's chaos and they can create a calming environment, I'm like, okay. I feel more calm. Okay. So anyway, I hired them. Everything looked amazing. Well, my son told on me, my six year old. So my husband, on the way home from his trip, I know, was already looping in his head, you know, the negative mindset of me doing this, creating this calming space for me. And of course I think it looks great. I'm like, I just want support on like, okay, nice organized closet that he is not organizing, let's be real. And he came back and he was so mad and so frustrated by this circumstance. And I'm like, okay, he's throwing a tantrum over an organized closet. Like, I couldn't conceptually understand, understand it, but I realized That I was being triggered because I had just had a conversation with my mom who opened up to me and told me that my father was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I do not remember my childhood and I didn't know why I didn't remember it. And then she told me that and I was like, oh, okay. I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child, so I tend to avoid conflict or my nervous system gets really dysregulated with conflict because childhood programming, right. Whatever was going on for him, I don't, I don't know why this was so triggering for him. Obviously there's something, let's go back to childhood, right? That maybe his stuff being touched or move around or, you know, he's a stay at home parent, so maybe he really felt that's his domain and he's in charge of that. And now somebody's coming in and you know, shifting things around and that's really uncomfortable for him. And, you know, trying to be kind of compassionate, but also like, I'm also being triggered by his reaction because of what I'm learning about my childhood. So it's really just, how can we communicate in a way that's really loving and being like, okay, this is obviously really bothering you. Let's talk about it. But as I'm healing and learning all these things that are now coming up for me that, you know, 44 years later, it's like, oh gosh, now I have the awareness. But it's like, okay, how can we start healing and not get overwhelmed by the healing? Right? It's like once we have the awareness, we're like, okay, I have to fit, right? Our brain is like, I have to fix, like, we're gonna find what's wrong. So it's like really learning to be compassionate with yourself, right? Like, self forgiveness is huge. It's something that I love promoting in my coaching business is really being compassionate with the judgments you have about yourself and forgiveness. And just because you forgive the judgment you have about you or somebody else, doesn't mean that what they did wasn't wrong or was right or wrong.

Right. And I think what you did with him too, even if it was just in your mind, you also gave him compassion without excusing the behavior. So you gave him compassion on realizing that if I'm feeling this about a childhood thing, maybe he is too. You know what I mean? So you are aware of your own triggers and then also holding compassion for another person saying, I'm not sure, but I realized that more might be going on than he's communicating. You know what I mean? And. But at the same time, you didn't excuse the behavior, you know, that was coming at you.

I mean, I'm gonna keep it real. I called him a child.

Yeah.

Like, you know. Yes. I think it's important, but when you're in it, I'm like, what is happening here? So.

And it's messy, though. You know? Sometimes it's messy. Just what you said. Sometimes we want to fix it, and we think healing looks totally clean and understandable. And how are you feeling today? Sometimes it isn't, you know? And it's okay for it to be messy even though we don't like it. Yeah.

I mean, I shut down my. My avoidance. Right. It's a pattern. It's like, oh, okay, wait, we recognize. Oh, this is a pattern. When there's, like. For me, when there's conflict, it's like I avoid.

Right.

It's like, okay, conflict. I'm gonna go shut down. I need to go regulate my nervous system.

Yeah.

Because I will say things I don't really mean. And it's like having a partner that gives you the space to shut down. Because sometimes it's how I need to process.

Right.

And sometimes it takes days, not just an hour.

And that's honest. Listen. That's honest.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think conflict is really tricky and challenging because we tend to fight over who's the bigger victim. Right. It's like, no, I'm the bigger victim.

Yeah. Like.

Like, this is why I write. And you're right. Wrong. Like, I'm more of the victim. And it's like. And I hate victim mentality. It's like a pet peeve of mine. So if I notice I'm arguing over I'm the bigger victim, I tend to pause and be like, oh, wait a minute. No, no, no, no, no.

Right.

I'm gonna put. I'm gonna put the sword down. I don't want to be the victim.

Yeah. And that's what awareness does for you, though. You know, it inserts itself between that programming. It cuts the tie of the loop. Like, it. It cuts it off.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah. And without defensiveness, there's no opposition.

Exactly. And I love what you're saying about regulating your nervous system and stepping away. I think fight, flight, or freeze, definitely the automatic reactions that we have. But I think your choice to step away is like a mindful thing, you know, because you're. No, you're realizing you have to step away in order to regulate your nervous system. And Then that's where the practices come in. You know, how am I feeling? You know, checking into that, coming into the body so that you can feel safe again. You know, the, the main thing is feeling that safety to later be able to, or in the moment to be able to process. If you choose, you know, maybe for right now that safety is just what you need. And if it takes you a couple of days, maybe the next day can be for the processing. You know, it just depends. But not to rush yourself through it, really giving yourself, because if you've already stepped away, then you don't. You have a choice. You get to choose to keep rolling that through your head or you get to move into a space of safety and settling and soothing so that then you can eventually process and then later communicate.

Yeah, yeah. Yes. And let's talk about boundaries, right?

Oh yes.

Because so for me, the issue in my coming back to my childhood and even presently with my family, it's like, oh, there's an issue, let's sweep it under the rug.

Right.

So nothing gets repaired or actually healed. Yeah, the nervous system gets regulated, but there was no boundaries set either. So I want to hear your insight on, okay, taking space for yourself get regulated, but also setting up a boundary so that they know not to cross it. Right, right. Like how do you do that?

Yeah, I think that's part of the processing process about, okay, this is what I need in this relationship. And then being able to communicate that later, not just talking about the issue and then squashing it, but talking about it and saying, okay, this is what I need in this space, you know, and if I'm not able to get it, this is not necessarily how I'm going to react. You can know how you're going to react. So I feel like when you're processing through, when this is still something you're working on within yourself, understanding in moving forward in this relationship, what do I need? What is non negotiable for me? What am I willing to compromise with? But only to a point. So I'm willing to allow you to be upset in this space with me. But what I'm not going to allow you to do is yell at me. Okay? Because then that's when. And you're telling yourself this, this is how I will follow through in setting this boundary. I am going to walk away, I am going to say, don't yell at me. And then I'm going to remove myself from the space or. And I'm going to say if you continue to do this, this is going to damage our relationship. And that's not a threat. That's the truth. That's a fact. Because I'm going to continue to walk away and pull away and I'm not going to trust that we can have a conflict, settle it, and not have to berate each other or treat each other unkindly or whatever it is you want to say. All of that being very hard to do, but I feel like when you're processing through it, saying it with yourself and having that in yourself helps the communication. It doesn't make it easier, but at least you have it there already.

Yeah. It's like you're only as good as your standards. And what standards are you gonna set for yourself? And I love the allow. Right. It's like what I will allow and what I don't allow. Because I think especially people pleasers. Oh, yes, right. They allow to be stepped on. They allow. They allow so much. They don't have boundaries.

Yeah. And the fear is losing the person, you know, losing that relationship. But again, if you're looking at your social being, is that supportive? Is that behavior that that person displaying towards you, is it supportive? Is it the kind of relationship that you need? Now, I'm not talking. Well, yes, I'm talking about every relationship. Because if a person is close to us, we want them to be a supportive person. You know what I mean? And we do get to choose how close a person is to us. You know what I mean? We do.

That's right. That's right.

We think we don't have a choice, but we really have a choice. And when you're a people pleaser, I think we limit that or we don't want to lose it. But the thing is, then we lose ourselves.

Yeah. And the very thing that we're trying to avoid is the very thing we're creating.

Right. It's happening.

Right. It's like people pleasing.

Right.

You're trying to avoid rejection most of the time. I'm sure there are other examples. But it's like avoiding rejection, avoiding being left.

Yes.

Or not really. It comes down to not feeling good enough. Right. So we people please. So we can feel valued by others to feel good enough about ourselves. And it's like, wait, we have to insource that your wholeness is. Is priceless and you don't like external. Looking for the external validation by doing for others is just causing you more people pleasing.

Yes.

Because you're in this fear of loss or not being good enough or. Or not being valued. And so it's like okay. Okay. Now I have the awareness. It's like, what's going to be my first step? So the. I love this conversation. I. I think it's so beautiful. I think people pleasing. I think starting a business, I think, you know, having health scares, all the things to really kind of create this space of change.

Yes.

Is all really important. But let's go with a people pleaser. Okay. Yeah, let's go with the people pleaser. What would be your biggest takeaway for them? Like, what is something that they can start implementing now or in the next 24 hours to help them recover or get a close the gap, even a smidge on people pleasing? What's something that they would be able to do?

Figuring out what you actually want. So take a moment in that situation, it still goes back to awareness, but taking a moment before you make a decision to do something and say, what do I. I want right now? What do I want? So just as an example, I'll use my kids for an example. My daughter had asked me to go somewhere and in that moment I wanted to go to spend some time with her, you know, because she's older and we don't get that time. But I was really wanting to do something, get something done. And so I said no, because in that moment, what I really needed to do was this thing. And so it was one time and I felt it. I felt it come up in me.

Like, I don't want to say no.

Because I really, you know, don't want her to think I didn't want to do this or, you know, we rarely get moments, so I want to make sure that I'm. But in that moment, I needed to do something for myself. Myself. And so I paused. I felt that coming up. Like, I could feel it in my body. I could feel my stomach tightening. You know, I could feel my mind was running through all the things. And I was like, okay, wait, what do I want to do right now? And I just let that come up for me. I was like, okay. So I think when we take a minute to come out of all the thoughts that. And I think if we feel into our body and we can feel that tenseness coming up, then it's a thing. You know, the messages are always there. We're just not listening. And so, yeah, to. In. In that moment, before you make a decision, feel what it is you really want to do, because you're making a choice to do something someone wants to do, whether that's the other person or yourself.

And I want to add to it, it takes 90 seconds for an emotion to move through us. And if it does it, it's because we're looping. Right. So I love that. Stop, pause. Feel it in your body without a story.

Yes.

I feel this in my gut. Let me just be with that sensation without a story presence. It. Okay, okay. I'm going to let that, Let that pass. Whatever comes up, comes up. And then it's like, oh, you can. You can give your truth of. No, I am not available to do this right now. I'm not. But, you know, however you want to navigate the conversation, but really being true to yourself. And I think that's such beautiful advice. And I think especially women not saying men don't experience this too.

Right.

But they have a really hard time saying no. And it's really learning how to prioritize. Okay, what lights me up, what do I want to continue? And, you know, put the things that don't necessarily light you up closer to the bottom of the list.

Right, exactly.

And then we feel. We feel better. We feel accomplished and learn how to say no if you really. Like. I had a friend that wanted to go on a trip, and I kind of wanted to go, but kind of didn't. But really, I. I don't know. But I wanted to. Wanted to say yes because I didn't want her to feel bad.

Right.

But I have a lot of things going on. So it's like. And then finally just being like, you know what? Like, no, like, doesn't work for me. It's not in alignment right now. And it's okay if.

Right.

And people will respect you more when you have that boundary or if they speak to you a certain way and you walk away. It's like, no, I'm not going to allow you to talk to me that way.

Exactly. And usually it's the story, you know, that we've been talking about how we think somebody else is going to react, and often they don't. And I also feel like it gives that other person, like, power also to realize that in this relationship we get to decide what's good for us. I don't want you just to agree to agree. You know, I want you to be able to be honest and say no when you mean no and say yes when you mean yes. You know, I don't want you following. You know, I appreciate sometimes when people go out of their way, but it shouldn't be the crux of the relationship. It shouldn't be the habit, you know.

Yeah, there's a fine line. And you know what people Love to be helped.

Right?

They love to be helped. And sometimes people pleasers or helpers are afraid to ask for help. They want to do it. All right, just before we close out, I think this is a really cool insight is people like to be helped and people want to help you. People love to help others. So the next time that you are afraid to ask for help, think about the time that you help somebody and it felt really good to help them, especially in a time of need that you're giving that other person an opportunity to help you and. And you're almost doing them a disservice by not asking for help. Right. I was buying a stroller for my 6 year old because we were going to Disney World. Right. And it's just easy. We didn't have one, it's just easier to have one. And I couldn't get the stupid thing in my car. Like it would not fit in the car and I just asked for help. And this gentleman was so excited to help me put this thing in the car. You know, it like really makes people feel good. So also don't be afraid to ask for help.

Exactly.

It gives the other person an opportunity to feel good too and have them feel in their power. And so yeah, there is discernment. Right. Like you don't want to overstep and you also, as a people pleaser, don't want to outdo what your capacity is.

Exactly, exactly. Because that overextending will get you every time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kim, this has been such a lovely conversation. I loved it. I think we covered so many beautiful topics and so many nuggets in here. I hope our listeners will re listen to this over and over again because there's so much goodness in it. But I wanted you to share where can people people find you? How can they connect with you? And I will share all of that in the show notes as well. So anyone who doesn't get it on the podcast, they can at least see it in the in the notes. Where can they find you?

Thank you. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram and Tick Tock actually at IM me life Coaching. You can find me on my website@im me life coaching.com that's I a M M E L I F E C O A C h I n g.com and also on Spotify and Apple podcast with the share your self care podcast.

Love it.

Thank you so much for today. It was so lovely meeting you.

I love this conversation. Thank you so much. Invitation you got at it.

So good.

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