What If Confidence Isn’t What You Think? The Hidden Cost of Chasing it (and How to Heal It)

Welcome to Rise, Shine, and Redefine, the podcast where entrepreneurship meets purpose. I'm Karen Meininger, and I'll help you create an authentic and powerful business. Let's dive in. Hi. Welcome back to Rise, Shine, and Redefine. I'm your host, Karen Meininger, and I am here today with Stacy Zellin, a transformational coach. And we're gonna go deep on call confidence for women, how weight loss could be a side effect once in a while, and what is a root cause of really how we're showing up in our life. So, Stacy, welcome to the show. Thank you. I am so excited to have you here.

I'm so excited to be here.

Yes. So tell us a little bit about yourself and how you show up for women.

So thank you again so much for having me. So I am a certified health coach as well as a certified transformational coach, and I help women who are trying to get to their next level, whether it's personally or professionally. I'm trying to really help them get out of their own way, because a lot of times the fears that are coming up, they aren't even aware of the things that are holding them back. So that's really where it's grown for me. I originally started as a health coach and helping women, and when I started to do my own deeper work, that's when it really changed. So for women, they. That's when they started noticing, when they started doing their deep work, weight loss, happening, or transformation, that they could go to their next level in their business. And that's where it was so beautiful. And I had people reaching out to me going, can you help me? And that's really how it started for me.

Yeah. So when you say deeper work, what does that mean? Because some people might be like, I meditate every day, and some people might be inner child work. So what is deeper work? What is your definition of deeper work?

So my definition of deeper work would be people who. When you can actually turn into yourself and look what's holding you back, because you need to bring awareness to what it is, so if you can't see it, you can't change it.

That's right. That's right. And so what is a way that you can help women, or it doesn't necessarily have to be women, but help them really bring the awareness to the surface. What are some ways that women can do that on their own where it's not so they're stuck and they don't know what to do, or they don't even know they're stuck Right. Because there's the three levels of blocks, right? I don't have any blocks.

Exactly.

Nothing's wrong with me. I don't have any problems. The other is, oh my God, I have so many blocks, what am I gonna do? And then there's using the blocks to let it move through. So what are some ways that we can bring awareness to some of the blocks? And blocks are, in case you guys don't know what I mean by that is self doubt. Imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome. Perfectionism, procrastination. Right. These are all blocks that kind of get in our own way of going to the next level of creating the dreams or the weight loss or the things that you're hoping to get.

Yes, exactly, exactly. So some of the areas when we first start working is we figure out what it is that's holding them back. So they're looking at their vision of where they want to go, whether it's weight loss, whether it's in a career, whether it's something in that area. And then we see where they are now. So when they see that, it's, I really help them to highlight what is it that's stopping them from getting to that dream. And when they see what that is? Well, sometimes I, I procrastinate or I end up. If it's for weight loss, well, I do well for a while and then I just, I get frustrated or I wasn't sleeping well and then I eat too much and then I say forget it. Or if I don't see that the diet's working, I give up and I eat or I get frustrated with my boss and this, or after a hard week, I deserve that drink. Like there's all the different things that might creep up for people and we, we. So we slow it down, we really slow it down and we go into what that block might be. So for example, sometimes these translate to their fear of being seen, of their worthiness to have to get where they want to go to their fear of failure. That is actually a big one. So what happens is self sabotage because they don't feel safe. And it comes really down to a lot of times the safety of what they feel they feel. The fears of being judged by others, the fear if, what if I can't do this? Then what are people going to say? What about see, then it's going to just get highlighted. See, I really couldn't do this. And I think for a lot of people as they are going through their own transformation and to bring this back a little, I remember Going through my own transformation. And it came after I broke my ankle back in 2018, and I was looking for a break in life. I needed just a break. And I will say put out there, like I put out to the universe, I needed a break. It was not the break I expected. However, that break ended up becoming the transformation that actually I needed because it slowed me down when I wasn't willing to slow down, and it really. And it really slowed me down, but it also helped me to see. To see the bigger picture of what I needed for myself, what I was now choosing. And that was the other thing, is it's about a choice.

That's right.

So I chose to eat differently, and I always had a healthy lifestyle because there's a lot of people even who are trying to lose weight, but they. And they. They're eating all the right foods, and they're still frustrated. Why isn't the weight coming off? That was me. And I was just. I was like, well, you know what? Maybe this is the way I'm meant to be. Maybe I'm meant to just be in this weight, in this body. This is just me. And when I really started going through my journey and going deeper, so coming back to what is it? What's the deeper work? The deeper work was. What was it really that was holding me back? And for me, it was fear. The fear of, if I get there, I won't stay there. And it wasn't necessarily the fear of what other people would think, but it was almost the fear of, if I go through all this hard work and then I. And then I gain it back again. What was the point?

Yeah. Yeah. And I think it happens a lot too, with money, right? It's like, oh, if I lose all the weight, it might gain it back. If I create income, maybe in entrepreneurship, I fear I would lose it. And so we get in the. We get in the stuckness of it, and it's really deeper than the surface level or the external, right? Because our body is our subconscious mind, right? And whatever is happening in our body and what we believe to be true, right? Thoughts come and go. It's believing the thought that hurts us. And when we can insource what it is that we truly desire and what we really want and feel it in our body, then that reality can be projected into the 3D world. But what happens is we are in so much desperation of the desire that we forget to really go under the hood and be like, why? Why do I want this? And if I get it, what do I fear? Would happen. I'm just going to share a really vulnerable quick story for me in this circumstance. So a couple years back, I was about 15 pounds, not overweight, but just over what I wanted to be, and I couldn't get it off. And I was having some issues with my husband. And I'm like, what is happening that I am not able to lose one pound? I'm doing all the things, I'm eating all the healthy foods, I'm working out. I'm literally doing everything and it's not coming off. And so I asked myself, what do I fear would happen if I had my dream body? And after doing deep work, it was. I was struggling with my husband. So I was like, I feared I would leave my husband because then I would feel so confident in my body that I didn't need him anymore. And it was such an awareness, and it was unconscious, but until I inquired and went a little deeper of what is really holding me back from. From being in the body that my dream body. It was that. And so what happened is once I recognized the unconscious belief that that would happen, the weight started coming off a lot quicker. I mean, still, it took time, but it was consistency and constantly showing up and reminding myself that I am inherently worthy no matter what. And. And it was, okay, well, now I know why I'm not losing it. And because of that, I could clear it. And then I started working and communicating with my husband in a different way and seeing the gifts in my husband instead of the resentment. And it was such a beautiful transformation in that moment to be like, oh, okay, this is why the inquiry work and going deeper is life changing.

Absolutely. And what an incredible journey for yourself in a story that the awareness that you brought to that, because so many people put it of everywhere else on the outside and it's this person did this to me, this I. Or. Or they're always reaching for everything outside of them. Yes, yes. To get to the results. So I know people who jump. It's like going back to, you were doing all the things. Right.

So.

So people are just assuming. I hear this a lot from my clients. It's like, well, I've done this diet and I've tried this program and I've done this, and it works. Really. Anything will work if you're consistent.

That's right.

And there isn't any magic, especially when it comes to wellness and weight loss or any of that. There isn't a magic pill. It's consistency. But more than that, because you can just like you found out in a Sense, this was more, this was deeper for you. So when you started really doing that inner work, because you can eat all the right foods, exercise, get your sleep, but still be quite unhealthy. Because we call something the circle of Life. So there's 12 areas that make up the circle of life. And one of those areas, so it's.

You have.

Your areas can be spirituality, your work, your relationships, the food that you eat, your home environment, all of these areas. It's an ebb and flow of balance that you're trying to keep. There's 12 of them that we want to keep in balance, but we're never fully in balance. We're human beings. So when you are out of balance, especially like for you, it felt like the relationship was out of balance. So unconsciously what you end up doing is perhaps you're turning to something else, or your stress levels are so strong that your cortisol levels are way up.

Yes, yes. And like you said earlier, it's so easy to externally blame your situation on something else. Like you said, outside of you. Instead of taking the personal responsibility of, well, wait, it starts with me. And this happens with not just weight like this, career, relationships. It's so easy to be like, right? Because if you judge it, you're stuck with it, right? And you're blaming, you're stuck with it. It's like, ly's a mirror. How can I turn this around and be like, oh, wait a minute, where in my life am I doing the same thing? And when you don't have the awareness to do that and you're still like, well, this has, this is. It's like, for example, let's say you see a prostitute, right? And maybe you have a story about how you feel about a prostitute. If you're judging the prostitute, there's some. Somewhere in your life, you're process prostituting yourself, right? Whether it's money, whether it. Whatever it may be, it doesn't have to be sex, but it's some sort of a mirror of your own life, of what you're doing and how you're showing up. So with the weight loss.

But wait, but back to that. That's a hard concept, I think, for people, that's a hard concept to really understand because we can even slow that down a little bit more. Because when people would hear that, they'd be like, wait a minute. No, I don't. But if you slow this down or if you. So whatever you're seeing in someone else that you find you're judging, there's something in you.

That you're judging.

That you're judging.

That's right.

And we want to really slow that down because that, that's something. And when you can free yourself of that, it is freeing. It really is that when you're not sitting there always criticizing, always doing. Because there's something that needs, that's looking for attention.

Yeah. And it usually you're judging because it's something from your childhood.

Almost could be childhood. A lot of times.

A lot of times. Because there's a patterning. Right. Of like. Let's give an example. Right. Let's ground this. So if your family was like, I can't afford that, or money doesn't grow on trees, or people with money are evil. Right. Or they don't do good in the world, or they're pretend. Whatever, whatever it is, it's. You're already having that belief system about that thing.

Oh, for sure.

And so because you're believing that thing, you think, well, if I get there, then people are going to think that about me too. Subconsciously, unconsciously, Right? Absolutely. It's like people who want money, but they fear it. Right. It's like people want to lose weight. Right. Or be healthy. But there's a fear.

There is. There's a fear around that. But even what you brought up, just about money, it reminded me of a story that I remember, something that came up for me that was unconscious programming that was from childhood. And that part was around money for sure. And I am grateful. I'm married to my best friend for the past 25 years and he's, he's wonderful. He's supportive of everything. We really, I'm grateful for the relationship that we've created. But I had an issue around money and it was my issue. And I never really saw it that way until I started doing my own work. And I saw. Because growing up, I saw my mom would hide money like my dad controlled it and my mom would hide it because he controlled it.

And.

And it was something she saw her mother do. It was a generational thing because he was the breadwinner, she was the stay at home mom. And so there was secrets about it and I never liked that. But I also saw my dad had all the control then he could have the final say on things. And my mom almost, it's like had to ask permission. So. And that can flow into other areas of your life, for sure. And so for me, I saw in our relationship, because I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom for most of the time, that my Kids were growing up and I brought that unconscious programming into our relationship. It wasn't my husband, but I thought that I had to be asking or he would make comments. They're natural, normal comments. But I saw it differently. So, so for, for me, when I saw that, when I started really doing my deeper work, oh my gosh, I remember like the emotions that came up from that too. And it was so deep and so powerful. I will never forget that experience. And my action step for that was to actually go and share that with my husband. And the amount of compassion that he brought to me was just. It solidified even more. So why he's my partner, why he's my best friend? What? Because there was this respect and he just saw it and he embraced it. He didn't judge it. And so it just. You, you brought that up. And that's something that, that in so many people, that's just one example of where people hold on to things or then their own judgments of maybe they self sabotage because they have imposter syndrome, you know, And a lot of times these kinds of things can come up where they have a scarcity mindset around money or they have a mindset around the I'm not good enough or the imposter syndrome. I'm not ready. People hide behind that a lot. I've done it, you know, I'm not ready to take that next step in my career because I don't know enough yet.

And not being ready is a choice. And this is where mentorship and coaching and having accountability and support is really how you change your life. I would say most successful people, I don't know the stats, but I would say probably 99.9% of successful entrepreneurs, weight loss has some sort of mentorship. And that's what we do, right? We help you go to the root and really clear the things that are getting in your way so that you can go after your dreams, so that you can have your desires, so you can be in the version 2.0, 5.0, you that feels your best self, but we're holding ourselves back. So coaching and mentorship, advisement, all of it is what you need to really get out of your own way because you think you can do it by yourself. And then you get stuck and then the doubt and dip happens, right? You're like, okay, I'm doing it. I started the program, whatever that may be. Or you bought the course, right? Or you read the book or you listen to the podcast and it becomes this place of like you're listening and you're learning, but you're not doing. And this is when coaches like Stacy and I, we help you embody that version of you now, right? It's the be, do have. This is not a new concept. But when you start being the version of you that you want to be now without having the single, that's when the magic happens, right? You have to look perfectionism, imposter, syndrome, self doubt, all of the blocks right in the eye and be like, not today, right? Like Arya Stark style. So really, this is the importance of mentorship. And those of you who are listening here, really take this into consideration. Really think about if you were supported into your dreams, right? Your dreams are hired by a coach. It's a beautiful thing. So just sharing, like, hey, if you're ready to go deeper, get to the root of the fears and the things that are getting in your way, this is how you're gonna change your life, okay? And we've done this work.

And to add to that, it's also a journey. And that's the thing that unlike therapy, where you go and then you go each time you make your appointment for next week kind of thing, there is definitely a benefit for therapy. People need therapy. People don't need coaching. But we help people go from good to great. And it is a journey because we hold people in a container in a period of time where they're going to be working with us, because people are going to go through the highs and the lows, and it's having that support when the doubts come up, when the fears come up, and helping them move through to go back into action, to keep them on the path to get to their goals.

That's right. That's right. And it's how do we keep showing up for ourselves? And we're never done, right? You are never done. Personal growth is a journey. It is a journey. It doesn't end. And we have fears we don't even realize we have.

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

It's incredible. And then when you start really digging deeper, it's like, oh, oh, okay, okay. Now I. Now I see. I see it now. Now I have the awareness. And what most people miss is we have the awareness and then we want to go right into aligned action. The acceptance piece is the missing ingredient to change.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And because many people will stay in that awareness stage and almost wallow in it, and that's the other thing, is we don't want to stay there. It's staying there, working through it, but then moving on to get to the action. Because that's where a lot of people can get stuck, is that they're stuck taking. Whether it's, this diet didn't work, I'm on to the next diet, that diet didn't work, I'm on to the next. Or I need to take another course or I need to get another certification or I need to get another degree, and then I can finally start.

Yeah, this is the have the do. Right. When I have the certification, when I have this, when I have the weight loss, then I'll meet a partner, or then I'll have the confidence, or then I'll do the thing. Right. And we have it all backwards. And we're not in our empowered be like we are human beings. Right. Like we need to be. Right. But the acceptance part is allowing all these parts of you to be seen and felt and heard without trying to avoid the feeling that it's giving us.

Absolutely. And one of the biggest things that I think come up for all of us are the fears. So when the fears come up, our ego wants to say, I want to keep you safe, and I'm going to tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't do it.

That's right. That's right.

And I know even for myself, I have been working really hard to get comfortable being uncomfortable, to say yes when I want to say no, to lean in when I want to back out. And from that, that's where the growth happens. And you hear it all the time. But when you start really doing it, that's when you see the change. And I'm going, oh, and don't take my word on this. Test it out, try it for yourself. Take one action that you can make for yourself that you want to do. Okay, I'm going to try something. Pick it, lean in, try it out, see how it works.

Yeah. And I want to go back to the ego, Right? Because the ego is trying to, like you said, keep you safe from being rejected, from messing up, not doing it. Right. Like anxiety, but really it's just creating more anxiety. Right. But essence is like, I am inherently worthy. I don't need to be any different than who I am. And so when you can insource the inherent worthiness of yourself, you're going to show up and take aligned action in a much different way than if the panic monkey is pushing that button, trying to get you to go and do all the things and from this fear. And Stacy and I were talking earlier today about fear and intuition, and it's something I call Y A K. It's you Always no. And intuition is a whisper. Fear is like all the dysregulation in your body, like really just trying to keep you safe and getting in your head and looping instead of just a soft whisper. And I know you gave an example of, you know, you knew something, you really wanted to speak your truth in that moment. And peer pressure, society, family, they're all telling you to do it one way, but you had the inner knowing. So my question to you is, you have the inner knowing. How are you moving forward, going to step into that inner knowing to speak your truth in a way so that you are heard?

So I think it's what you're talking about was so years ago when I had some different situations come up and had to make choices and was really pushed into choices that I really didn't feel were the right choices. But at that time, I also didn't know what the ulterior and the other choice would have been. So I, I gave in. I said, yes, let's do that. Right. So we're going forward. And it's come up time and time again. What when I started really doing my own work and really developing the safety within and seeing that my intuition was so strong and believing myself, that's when it all started to shift. That. That's when my voice got louder and stronger. And it doesn't mean that I don't listen to what somebody else has to say. There's a balance with it. Everybody wants to be seen and heard. But after I'm hearing what I'm hearing, if it's still my intuition is saying no or don't go this way, I'm much stronger at leaning into that now. But it was only after I really did some of that work to build my own confidence. That's the other thing is building the confidence and trust in myself.

Yeah. And so what is, what is something that women can do to really start leaning into more confidence? What is something that they can start doing today?

Today, I would say start small. Start small. Start with something that test it out. If you get an intuition about something, lean into it, try it out, see what happens. If you take the time and slow down for that moment, just try for something small. It might be that you were asked to go out to dinner and you really don't want to, and your intuition is just saying, I don't want to go. You know, we all have done that, but we go anyway. And usually we have a good time.

But.

But maybe say no when your intuition is telling you and see if something else Happens. Another thing might be, is to write it down at night. Write down perhaps three things that came up for you that day and how you reacted to them. Maybe just keeping a journal about that.

Yes.

Just little tips to try to see, because you might notice some nuggets in that. And if you are writing down, then you've got awareness to what you're doing.

Yes, Yes. I love this. And also with intuition, right. I feel when women think they're more intuitive, they trust themselves more because they're like, oh, I can start trusting my intuition more. And so something I did was, okay, let me notice when my intuition worked in my favor today. So my family and I, we play Uno like, almost every night. And sometimes there's like the blue five or the red, and it's like, do I put the red down or do I put the five to change the color? And okay, intuitively, like, what's the right one to win the game? And so I'll put the right one down and I'll be like, okay, check intuition. Write it down. Super small, right? Super small little wins. Like, maybe you. You went left when you weren't sure if to go left or right. And you're just like, I'm intuitively going to go left even though I don't really know what the way is. Write it down. Because when you start having these intuitive wins, that's when you start trusting yourself more also. And confidence comes from doing.

Yes. And I also think if you're a mom out there, and when you start embodying your own confidence, it shows your children, you show up for your children differently. And they're seeing this. And again, life's a mirror. And I'm grateful and truly blessed. I have two beautiful kids each. Ethan, he's 19, and my daughter Rachel, who's 22. And they are also. I just am in awe of the control that they're taking in their own lives.

Well, they have a beautiful role model.

Thank you. Yes. But it's also. And it's seeing them, even if. And it's okay if they fail. It is okay. It's okay if they try something. And that's the other big thing for all of this. It is okay to fail. People are so afraid of failing. It's. What did you learn from it? And how do you grow? And I think when we don't look as failure as a bad thing, but we look at it as something as growth. Yeah, that is huge. You know, it's not about what everybody's going to think. It's about what did you learn and how did you grow from it?

Yeah. Failure is knowledge.

It is. And it's. And when I see it, especially in myself, in my family, because I grew up, failure was not allowed. It was not allowed. And my husband grew up very differently where that. It was. It was something like, okay, well, if you fail, you can try again or keep trying. It's okay. And because of that, I would say he approaches problems in such a different way than I did most of my life. Like, his approach to a challenge or a problem, he's much more relaxed about it. He's like, it'll work itself out or time works. Time plays a lot in helping to work stuff out. And it's true. But you also have to lead with intention.

Totally on that. Yes. Yes. And the more intentional we are about what we want, the more likely it's going to. Going to happen and show up.

Yes, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for being on the show today. This was so wonderful. So before we go, what is something somebody can start doing right now to just change their life?

To change their life?

No pressure.

No pressure. What can you do? I would say, is. Write down your goals. Write down. If you. If you could look back and say, a year from now, this was the best year of my life, what would that look like for you? Really? Dream big.

Yeah, I love that.

Dream big. What does that look like for you? Because if you can dream it, you can make it happen.

That's right.

Create the vision for yourself. And the other part to that is actually write that vision out and put that in part of your daily experience so that you're embodying it. You can't just write it down and forget about it. You have to actually continue to keep seeing it, hearing it, write it out, record it for yourself so you can listen to that vision. Write it out. Maybe laminate it, put it in your shower so you're seeing it. And just make it really clear because your subconscious will hear it, will hear it. And the more you do this visioning work, the more you. You can actually bring it to life. You can manifest it.

Yes.

And you have to be in action.

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. So where can people find you? I'm going to put everything in the show notes. But where can people find you? Where do you hang out the most? Online.

So on Instagram. @stacyzellen. Stacy Zellen.

Okay.

And also my website is www stacy s t a c I zelen z e l l e n.com.

Awesome. Thank you so much. I can't wait to have you back.

On the so much. Thank you so much for having me.

Of course. You got it. Thank you so much for tuning in to Rise, Shine and Redefine. If this episode resonated with you, please hit subscribe and leave a review. It means the world to me. You. If you want more daily inspiration or any behind the scenes, follow me on Instagram arynmeininger for daily inspiration and behind the scenes. Until then, keep rising, keep shining, and keep redefining your journey.