Caitlin Peluffo on "Screw Everyone" || Books That Changed My Life

Do guys hit on you when you're done being on stage?

Men hit on me, and I'll never discourage a man from shooting their shot in real life. The DM, it's an epidemic. I could go through my phone right now.

Oh, and they probably show dick pics and all that too.

Oh yeah. Oh my God, I got one. He sent me a dick pic and he goes, "Hey, you like?" And then waited 9 minutes. 9 minutes waited.

Wait, you didn't immediately respond?

I was asleep. It was 4 in the morning.

4 in the morning.

That's better. This is the funny part. "You like?" Waited 9 minutes.

I didn't respond.

And then he writes, "Eh, you're fat anyway." Big question. Uh-oh.

How did Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy change your life?

I mean, it changed my life in that it—

I'm Chris Collins, and you're watching Books That Changed My Life. Make sure you're somewhere you can laugh out loud, because this week we're joined by comedian and book lover Caitlin Palumbo. She's here to talk about the book that changed her life, Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy by Ophira Eisenberg. What is your book situation like at home? I have books, stacks, shelves.

Honey, I have shelves. I have a bookcase. And then I just had to buy another side table with book storage in it.

Nice. So you're running out of room?

I'm running out of room. I'm trying to do the thing where I give away the books. —oh, you know, to friends so that they read them, you know, so I don't just have books. If I've already read them, share the joy. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

So you don't, you don't ever feel like you want to keep a book? You feel like once you've read it, you're done? Yeah. Give it to somebody else?

Yeah. Yeah. I got that stance from my friend Polly. She was just like, what am I going to— I'm just going to look at the memories? No, just give them away. And so I'll buy a book. I love to buy a book. And then I'll give it away.

Your friend Polly would hate me.

Oh, really? Are you a hoarder? You're— yes, obviously. These are all your books.

Yeah, but I'm not giving books away. You're not giving books away? I mean, I might buy you a copy of a book and give it to you, but I wouldn't give you my copy. Wow. Very personal. Really? Yeah. You're a little note taker. You're a little note taker. Yeah, highlighter.

Okay, got it. All right. You're not a note taker? No, no, no. I can be present. What does that mean? I can, I can sit and just enjoy a book, you know, but I'm also not trying to learn all the time. I like to learn from my podcast. You can talk at me and I'll learn, but if I'm reading, it's for fun. Oh, okay, I got you. I'm a silly little reader.

We're here to talk about the book that is Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy by Orfia Eisenberg. Eisenberg.

Yeah, she's a great comic and, uh, and now a friend, which is so exciting. Oh really? Oh my God, yeah. If she knew I was doing— I— yeah, she's gonna—

did you tell her you were doing her book? No, of course not.

That's mortifying to tell, like, your friend that used to be a huge fan and still are a huge fan of hers. Like, because I— she was already well established in the comedy scene when I started, and so I discovered her before I started doing comedy, and she's one of the reasons I started doing comedy. So to tell her that would be mortifying now that we— She's gonna know. Hang out. Yeah, she's gonna know.

She's gonna get tagged. She's gonna get tagged.

It's, yeah, she's gonna be like, Caitlin, you dork, what are you doing? But she's very cool and she has been a huge inspiration my whole career.

What other books were on the list when you were asked to come up with a book?

It was pretty much this one or David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day. Oh, I love David Sedaris. Yes, yeah, I'm currently reading his newest one. Was it For the People? We the People? I don't know.

I saw he was doing the rounds, but I didn't—

Yeah, so far it's great. He's a little darker, which I love. He's getting darker in his old age.

We all went as a team and watched him. He reads and talks. It's really fun.

Did he do his Billie Holiday impression? No. Oh, he has a great Billie Holiday impression. Yeah.

Anyway, he's an American gem. Yes, he is. I agree.

Uh, Me Talk Pretty One Day was again something I read before I started doing stand-up, but he wasn't really— he's not a stand-up. Ophira is like a stand-up comic. And so when I read hers, I was like— and then I did a deep dive on her, and then that made me be like, oh, I can do comedy.

How would you categorize him? Like, he's a funny storyteller? Because he's funny.

He's a— I think he's a comedic writer. Yeah, yeah, he's definitely a humorist. As they say. But, uh, yeah, he's not a stand-up comic. Stand-up is a whole different world. Yeah. Have you ever tried it, stand-up?

No. I was voted— it's gonna be dumb, but I like it—

cute little giggle.

Funniest in high school. Funniest in high school. But the difference between— what's interesting is when they told me, like, our class president came and told me that I was voted funniest. I went to a big high school, couple thousand kids. I was like, huh? Because that's my trauma. That's not me trying to be funny. That's me trying to survive.

Yeah, you could have been a stand-up comic then.

Yeah, there's always a little trauma, right?

There's always trauma. If there's no trauma, it's not funny.

But I wasn't trying to be funny. It caught me off guard. Oh, really? Did it hurt your feelings? Funny. No, I think you like being recognized. So I like the part that I was being recognized, but it wasn't like, oh, yeah, I'm going to be a comedian. I never made that connection. I've always wanted to go up. In fact, I live by the Improv.

Oh, the Hollywood Improv?

Yeah, the one on Melrose. I live right there. And I've thought many times about just going in and doing the open mic on Tuesdays or whatever it is. But then I hear it's super political and you got to know somebody. And they don't really just pick you because you signed up.

Oh yeah, that's true. But I'm looking at the studio. I think you could have a little pull. I think you probably know a guy who could throw you up.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be on the radar that much. No, I'd want to sneak in.

There are tons of open mics at like bars and stuff that have zero, uh, cachet. And so you can literally go up and try it that way and no one will know who you are. When you do that, you're only doing like 2 minutes, right? 2 to 5.

Yeah, I need 5 because I'm just— I would tell a story probably. Yeah, I need a little time.

Have you thought about doing The Moth? Which of your Eisenberg—

watched a bunch of them and read them, but no, I've never thought about doing The Moth. Yeah, they have opened up. It became very formulaic, The Moth. They're all kind of like a formula. Oh yeah, I mean, story. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want that. Okay, follow other people, but it's good. I mean, they're good.

Uh, yeah, but yeah, that's what Ophira hosts The Moth for. Is it NPR? Come on, room full of boys, what's going on here? Yeah, it's okay, we have 18 cameras but no one can Google. Okay, uh, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm joking. That's how I flirt. Um, are you single? Yeah. You are?

Oh my God, why do you say it like that?

I'm like the most single. I'm not texting anyone. I'm just sitting in my own—

you don't want— yeah, no, I'm busy.

I'm busy and I'm tired, and men usually aren't worth it.

What kind of a girlfriend are you if you weren't single? Oh, I'm a very good girlfriend. Self-proclaimed. But to the point of my own detriment. If we interviewed past boyfriends, would they say the same thing?

They would say Uh, the significant ones, yeah, they would say, yeah, she really took care of me and did too much. Do you like to—

do you like to take care of somebody?

Yeah, I'm a mothering type, which is very unfortunate. Why? Because you want a partner and not a child, you know? But it's also my putting on to them, not them expecting it from me.

It's better for them than it is for you. Exactly.

Yes. And I also initiate it, so it's— I have no one to blame but myself. Yeah, yeah. What kind of boyfriend are you?

Yeah, I'm like a provider. Yeah, I guess I'm kind of old school.

Do you have a partner? Yeah. Nice.

The one you were talking to about stand-up pants? Yeah.

What a babe. Yeah, buddy. Good. Yeah. I can't believe you don't know what stand-up pants are then. How long have you guys been together?

She doesn't share that sort of stuff with me. Oh, she keeps the curtain. She's got close girlfriends that talk about that. I wish I could hear what they say about—

Yeah, it's pretty exciting. I like stand-up pant talk.

Where did you grow up?

San Francisco Bay Area. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's incredible. San Bruno, more specifically. Yeah. Beautiful little suburban town. Very safe, very sweet. Near the airport. We love.

What did mom and dad do?

Mom was a schoolteacher. She taught 2nd and 3rd grade. Wow. And my dad was a cabinet finisher. Refinisher, so he stained all the— worked with his hands? Yes. Mhm. I was his assistant for a while, uh, sanding a lot of cabinets and, uh, staining and painting.

Were you kind of a tomboy? Oh yeah. Yeah. Did you go to the same school as your mom?

No, but, uh, no, no, thank God. That would have been mortifying.

No, it would have been great.

Are you kidding?

Would have been great for your comedy.

Oh my God. She, she was the strict teacher. She was the teacher no kid wanted. And then all the parents were like, please take my kid and fix it. And so she got a lot of the problem kids. So whenever she would come home from school, she'd be exhausted and she would just be mad at us. Did you have siblings? Yeah, I had an older sister and a younger sister. So you're the middle? Middle. Yeah. A lot of comedians are the middle or the youngest, never the oldest.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah. It's a real attention-seeking situation.

So what kind of kid were you?

I was a— I was a— I was the crazy kid. I was the one that was in trouble all the time. Did you get arrested? No, never got arrested.

I was kicked out of school.

Drugs? No, I got kicked out of Girl Scouts.

You weren't really a troubled kid then. Well, I was never— You would have some sort of rap sheet.

No, no, no, no. That's too— that's too much. My mom would never allow that to happen. You know, my mom was very strict.

Good parenting.

Very good parenting. But I was always disruptive in class. I was always making jokes. I was always too loud. I was always— Fighting. I did a lot of fighting. Who were you fighting? Boys. Always boys. And because I was a girl—

Would you fist fight with a boy? Well— Are we saying arguing or physically fighting?

I would wrestle. I scratched. I remember I scratched— That's not fair. I know. I scratched Thomas Chu, and I still feel bad about it.

Have you ever apologized to him?

I did when it happened. And we're still friends. He's supposed to come to a comedy show, and I'm like, you get in for free, buddy. And a drink or two. It was in 4th grade, and I spun around, and we were playing basketball. And I missed the rebound and I spun around and I scratched the back of his neck and he was bleeding and I felt so bad. But I was like funny, so I could like, the next day I like started making jokes about it and we became friends again.

Just like pushing the trauma in more and more to the poor kid.

Yeah, I think maybe I thought it was funny and he's just like, "Hahaha." Yeah, what's he gonna do?

He's gotta go along with it.

He's just twitching every time he kind of jumps up. Oh my God, poor Thomas. I'm sorry, Thomas. But if you do come to a show, you get them for free.

All the drinks. All the drinks.

No, you got to pay for your own drinks. That's through the improv. But, but tickets I can handle. So why were you fighting? I was, um, well, I played a lot of sports, you know, and so I was always fighting and trying to be like, I'm one of the guys, you know. And then every time they would treat me—

was it like we're fighting, I like you kind of a thing? Like you punch the boy because you like him?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I was always the lava monster, which always made me mad because I was like the tall kid I was super tall for my age, and so I was always the lava monster. I also had this short, frizzy hair and glasses. I looked crazy. And all I wanted to be was a Mary-Kate Olsen. Really? Do you know who that is? Yeah. Thank God. I was going to say, you've really failed if he doesn't know who the Olsen twins are. But I wanted to be an Olsen twin, and I could never be an Olsen twin because I was just like an ogre. I was this huge child. And they're also small and tiny.

Yeah. Why did you want to be an Olsen twin? Why do you—

what kind of question is that? Of course everybody wants to be an Olsen twin. Have you seen them?

They're so cute. I never wanted to be an Olsen twin.

They always get the guy. They're a little yin and a little yang. You know, they complement each other. They're always flirting, I feel like. And they're always up to mischief, but like in a fun way, you know? And it always has a happy ending.

What subjects were you going to—

PE. I was— PE I was good at. Um, I, I didn't realize this, but I was good at math. Um, I always thought I was like dumb, and then they— we did like a placement test for math for middle school, and I placed like the highest, and I was like, well, that's news to me. So I was okay at math, and then calculus is when it really fell off.

Yeah, yeah, you could have been an accountant though.

I could have been, but thank God.

Like, you could be an accountant if you're good at math, calculus. You're in nuclear science.

Yeah, I think that's, I think that's fair because I think trigonometry was my favorite, so I think I could have been an architect. I think that's more my speed. And I also love design, interior design. I love HGTV shows. Give me a Property Brother, come on, so fun. Um, so I feel like if I didn't do stand-up comedy, that's more my speed.

Is that your type, like the dude that can remodel your kitchen kind of a Honestly, my type is funny.

If you make me laugh. Yeah, they all look different. I think I banged some version of everyone in this room, including you. I just— if you can make me laugh, it's over. It's done. Because I'm— I'm— I do this professionally. So if you make me laugh, especially via text message, I'll see you. I'll just— tell me what to do. I'll be over there. Yeah, I like funny. That's easy. No, you'd be surprised. Men are not funny. No offense. You're funny. Men with no trauma, like hot men, are not funny. They're just like, "That's what she said," you know? They just kind of reiterate other things funnier, uglier people have said, you know?

Do you find that—

I feel like I'm killing with everyone else except for you.

And well, I'm taking this very seriously. Okay, I'm, I'm fascinated. Okay, all right. Don't mistake the bulldog face for for non-interest. I'm just fascinated with what's going on in there. I need some water. Would you find men aren't like cultured? No, they're just kind of simple.

They're just kind of— they just never really— and I'm talking hot men, hot men with no trauma. They're just kind of get— they're like, I'm 6'4", I don't have to try, you know? Yeah, it's kind of like that. It's kind of a lazy thinking kind of deal, whereas women, where the trauma threat is around every corner, so we learn how to laugh at it. Like, I do a few, like, in my long set, I do a few jokes about, um, you know, true crime things, you know, and funny stuff, funny stuff. Hahaha. Well, the women laugh. The women always laugh, and the men are like, I don't think we can laugh at that. It's like, yeah, because you're the ones doing it, okay? So yeah, so it's like, women, we understand, like, we have to laugh at this because it is literally our everyday life. Yeah, okay, that one got him.

He turned a little pink. All right, nothing funnier than a serial killer.

I mean, sometimes if you think about Jeffrey Dahmer, it's hilarious. I mean, really think about it. I'm trying.

I don't—

I know it's not funny, but it's like hilarious. Does that make sense? Scary. It's scary. Of course, of course.

Have you, have you ever seen that documentary, uh, Crazy Not Insane on HBO?

No. So it sounds right up my alley.

Love it. Yeah. So this psychologist in college for some reason got a grant to study serial killers, and then it became her whole life. And she studied all of them. Dahmer, the biggest ones, the biggest hits. Yeah, the home run. Greatest hits. And she actually got Bundy. She's the only one that got Bundy to show his other personality. What do they call that when you, uh, alter ego? Well, no, they like go into a whole nother person, a split personality. Oh, okay. She got him to do that on, on an audio recording, like, wow. And so that she makes this point, the whole thing is about the fact that what she found in her life's work is that the more trauma they had as kids, the worse their crimes. Uh-huh. And so like she gives an example of this one serial killer that like would kill people and write with their body parts and blood on the wall. Like just the worst stuff you'd think's hilarious.

Very funny. I was just like, oh my God, what body part?

Yeah, exactly.

Um, a foot. Hysterical.

His mom was like throwing boiling water on him at like 3 and whipping him. Like, so the worst. Super funny trauma.

You are also laughing. It's pain.

It's not— yeah, it's not laughter. Um, but it's a— it's an interesting thing. She's not condoning the, the violence. I mean, it's terrible, but she's saying like, these people weren't born this way. They're— there, there was outside inputs, terrible parenting. Yeah, most of the time they created it.

Yeah, no, there's definitely like a cause and effect, I feel like.

And, uh, and in society like, where, where do we kind of take the responsibility?

Yeah, foster care. I know, the foster care.

Foster care is funny.

Do you know how many comics I know who are like, yeah, I was in foster care? You can take a turn, you know.

There's a, there's a turn that people that are in, uh, the county jail.

Yeah, I mean, there's also— I feel like that also with a lot of substance abuse. You know, addiction, that all comes from, you know, trauma, undealt with trauma, that kind of, uh, you could— it skews, you know. You can either take it out on other people or take it within, uh, with substance, you know. But, and also it's the same with humor. You can either turn with it and make you funny, or you can boil people and eat their body parts.

Yeah, yeah. Or, or keep them in the refrigerator.

Keep her in the refrigerator.

Didn't he do that?

Yeah, he kept him and he froze him. Save him for later.

Yeah, saves you a trip to the grocery store.

It sure does. Yeah, I mean, that— I mean, that is, um, yes, mental illness to an extreme.

So I mean, there's got to be a correlation between this and comics in the sense that a lot of times some sort of childhood trauma just gives you a different perspective, because comedy a lot of times is just you're looking at things in a different way. You have a different point of view on something that everybody else just experiences. Yeah. And doesn't even really notice.

Yeah. And it's also feeling like the other. I feel like that is a lot to do with— a lot of comics always felt like an outsider, just kind of.

So why did you feel like an outsider when you were a kid?

I was huge. I was huge. I was bullied, and then I became the bully. How did you— you know what I mean? Has that ever happened to anybody here? Everybody was just sweet little angels. Okay, uh, I didn't—

I didn't become the bully, but I was bullied for sure.

Yeah, I was bullied, uh, for being— I was always, like I said, the lava monster. I had a crush on Jared McGrew, and he always made me the lava monster because he liked Francine, and I wanted to be friends.

So pretty. What do they look like now? I don't know. I bet you if you go back, you'd be pleasantly surprised how they turned out.

Well, Jared was very nice, you know, but like under third grade, all kids are kind of— they don't know. I wouldn't say all kids are mean, but they kind of just say what they think. And since I was huge, they'd be like, you're huge, you know, your hair's big, you know, your teeth are crooked. I had crooked teeth. It was the whole thing.

Did you get braces? Oh, yeah.

Now I got, now I got good chompers.

Yeah, they're straight now. Thank you. It works. Thank you. Thank you, Mom. No Invisalign back then?

No, full metal mouth. Yeah. How long did you have braces? I had braces for 2 or 3 years. What age? Um, I think 7th grade to 9th grade.

Your parents were doing well because braces were expensive.

I mean, they— my mom— school teachers have good insurance, I will say that. And, uh, because we did not— it did not We were never wealthy. We were always struggling, or at least that's how it was perceived to me. There was always money issues. There were a lot of things that we weren't able to do because of money issues, but they worked really, really hard and we were able to do a lot of things with the limited, you know, it was like I couldn't go on the school trip to Washington, D.C., but we did get in a Winnebago and travel the country, you know. So it was stuff like, like I still had a great childhood and They did a good job. I look back, I'm an adult now and I can barely take care of myself and they were taking care of 3 kids at my age and that is insane to me.

Yeah, they were active parents.

Very active parents, coaches. Intentional. Mm-hmm. They read to us every night. We would read Little House on the Prairie and the Harry Potters every single night. Yeah, so very active parents.

That's great. So how do you end up in New York? You're in Brooklyn.

Well, I went to art school. I have a master's from Pratt Institute in photography and video. Video performance art. Oh. I know.

Who are your favorite photographers?

Well, I went to school to be Annie Leibovitz. I wanted to be Annie Leibovitz.

That front room that you came in is full of photography.

Yeah, I was in there and I was starting to look around and then it was time to go.

Yeah. Well, on your way out.

I will. Spend a little time. I would love to. I saw, I went with my mom, we went to the Legion of Honor and we saw Annie Leibovitz's retrospective and it was, Awesome. She's so incredible. She's incredible. And I wanted to do that. But you need a certain amount of talent.

Yeah. I mean, a lot of photography is psychology. She's— she— have you ever seen, like, the documentary where she shot the Queen and, like, different stuff? No. Yeah. Like, she— she's smart. Like, yeah, you don't get to that place without making people feel comfortable. Like, there's a lot to getting the picture. You don't just— yeah, frame it and go. Exactly. And she—

and there's a certain amount of, uh, passion and determination that you have to have as well, and I did not have that with art.

What is your favorite picture of hers?

I would say the Chris Rock one.

Mine is the John Lennon Yoko Ono one. Yeah. And just that she took it so young.

She was like a kid. Yeah. Yeah. Her lighting is unmatched. She knows how to light a room. Um, But yeah, the one I, well, and that's also, I like that picture before I even did standup. So I was just, I was just, there were seeds being like, hey, you're probably gonna be in this world some way. But I just didn't know it.

So you didn't wanna pursue that photography?

Photography. It got to a point where I was just like, the amount of math that's involved, with photography. I liked being in the darkroom. I like that. But like, literally the point-and-shoot of photography didn't— it was always like difficult for me. And so I just kind of, instead of really— if you love something enough, you really dig in and figure it out. I just didn't have that. I didn't have that for photography.

I wish more people would come on the show and talk about photography books. We've only had one. Oh really? Yeah, but there's so many incredible photography books that transcend photography. Like, yeah, it's, it's a, it's a, you know, a time and place and a story, and then the ability to take the pictures. And, you know, it's so hard.

They make it look so easy, but it is so hard to get the aperture right, get the depth, you know, to get everything correct with whatever film you're using. I mean, it's so difficult.

It's an art. It's a— yeah.

And it looks— and now everybody's got it on their phone, but still it's like, it's hard. It's hard. Yeah. Yeah. What's your— if you could recommend one book, photography book, to see, what would you seek out?

Um, man, that's hard. That's really hard. There's, there's like 10 that just come to mind.

Okay, give me 3.

Eggleston. There's a few of his that are crazy. There's this book that just— it isn't— the photography is incredible, but the letter he writes to his daughter in it, Chris Anderson, it's— I think it's called Her. So he did one for his son, that's him, and then one for his daughter, that's her. And the letter he writes to his daughter at the end of it is just— I mean, it'll make you tear up if you're— if you're in that space. Yeah. Probably not wearing stand-up shorts, but if you were in PJs— yeah, in PJs, you'd cry. Okay.

All right, lay down pants. Yeah.

And then, uh, Martin Parr. Do you know— are you familiar with him? No, I'm not. English photographer. He did a— he was commissioned by CNN to do a photography book of the different campaigns, Hillary and Trump, and just how ridiculous we look as Americans. Yeah. It's just hilarious. Yeah, he's in a Trump rally and in a Hillary rally. Oh, God. So one side goes Hillary and the other side goes Trump. Yeah. And just the bobbleheads and the signs and just how Americans look. Yeah. From his perspective is hilarious. Yeah.

I mean, that's got to be.

But Annie has a couple that'll, that'll absolutely blow you away.

I think Sally Mann has one of silver gelatins of our children that are wonderful. Mm-hmm.

And, oh, those. Those are very controversial. Yeah, because the kids are naked.

Yeah, they're in the nick, as my nonna would say.

Yeah. And her— the world's perspective on that and her perspective are so far apart.

Yeah. Because if you, if you took out of the world, that's a beautiful book.

Well, it's interesting that falls on the viewer. Yeah, because she's a mom. Celebrating her kids. Yeah. In a very natural kind of hippie. Yeah. Yeah. And then we come along. Yeah. We're like, whoa, pervert.

Haven't you seen To Catch a Predator? Yeah. Yeah. No.

Well, and also in America, like, we're, we're very weird about that. But when you go to Europe and you just go to the beach in Barcelona, like, people are walking around naked. It's a very natural—

it isn't like, yeah, you know, like Did you grow up in a naked household?

No, no, no. Shame. Shame. Yeah, we were like—

it was a naked household up until we were like 4, you know, and then it was, uh, never shame about your private parts. It was always shame about weight.

Oh yeah, it was like very San Francisco. Yeah, like my—

I always remember my mom, my aunts always just measuring their food and weighing their food on the, like, the Weight Watchers scale and stuff like that.

Yeah, I think that that's a funny thing because growing up with the shame like I did, it's like, oh, boobs, uh, everything. And then as you get older, you're kind of like, oh yeah, boobs are weird.

Private parts, they're all weird. They're all kind of— oh sure, yes, but, but they're just kind of like blobs with these dots on You know, it's kind of ridiculous that we fetishize.

Yeah, I think guys are programmed. Yeah, they're not. Well, think about—

think of— think about a penis. Penis is hilarious. Butts are hilarious. But balls are the funniest thing on the human body. Yeah, especially the older you get, they get all lopsided and weird. Yeah, it's hilarious. This is the most lowbrow conversation this— no, this library has ever seen. It's true. But it is true, they are weird. Okay, back to you. How did you end up in Brooklyn? Well, anyway, I went to Pratt for art school. I went to— my undergrad was in San Diego, and San Diego was nice, it was fine. And then I got to Brooklyn, New York, and I was like, oh, this is where I'm supposed to be. It just fit like— it fit like a glove, which is how I felt about doing stand-up as well, when eventually when I tried it. But when I got to New York, I felt like I belonged. And I've been there ever since. It's been almost 18 years.

And so you were taking a comedy writing class and this was assigned, or one of the story about Garfield was assigned.

Did you read that one?

Yes. Which is hilarious. It's hilarious.

It's so funny. We were all doing humor writing and I wanted to do stand-up. But I thought you had to go to school for it. I thought it was like, um, you know, being a writer or, you know, a mathematician, you had to like subject— because I was listening to podcasts about Conan O'Brien and he went to Harvard. It's like, I was like, oh, you have to go to school for doing comedy. Eventually I went to an open mic and I was like, oh, anyone can do this. So really, truly, you can do it.

Um, if I go to the open mic thing and I say I went to Harvard, will I get—

you'll get at the bottom of the list. They will not respect you at all. They'll be like, this nerd But, but yes, I did improv. I did everything but standup. You know, I was, I did improv, I did humor writing, I did sketch writing, I did all these different classes except for the one that I really wanted to take, which was standup. But the humor writing class, I had just read, I think something by David Sedaris. And I was like, oh, this is so fun. I think I can do this. It's very hard. And I have not tried since. But the, one of the assignments was the Garfield, uh, story.

We'll get to that one because it's very, it's very funny. It's one of our, it's one of our tabs. Oh good. Yeah. Okay, so for somebody who hasn't read Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy, how would you explain the book?

What is the message? The message, um, is basically it's a, a bunch of short stories about her sexual escapades leading up to finding her husband, I would say, and choosing monogamy ultimately. Um, and she's still with her husband now, which is fun. Yeah, this book is pretty, uh, I think it's like 10 years old.

It's old. It's kind of a vulnerable book.

It's very vulnerable because she doesn't make herself look good in a lot of these stories. Like, one of the stories I reread yesterday, and she said to get out of cheating, she said that she was fucking. Which, again, we're laughing.

We're gonna go to hell. We're both going to hell. But she literally, she wrote it.

She was like, please don't judge me. I know this is wrong. I said I was fucked, even though she did have consensual sex and she did on her boyfriend. But it's like a lot of people would omit that, would be like, oh no, I just kind of, you know, I did. I— they wouldn't because that is such a terrible thing to do, you know. But she put it in and it's— I think that is brave and very funny, you know.

Yeah. So how much of good writing or good comedy, or I mean, I think I feel this when I write stuff, is the stuff that is the most self-deprecating and honest is the stuff that people connect with the most. But it's the hardest to tell, to tell and admit and come to terms with.

Yeah, the honesty is the key part with comedy. You have to be honest. Usually when you're like, oh, well, maybe I'll switch it to this because it's funnier, it's like, no, the honest thing is always the funniest thing. And, uh, and it's the thing that resonates the most because people are like, oh, I was thinking that and I didn't— I didn't have the guts to say it, or I shouldn't tell anyone, or I had shame about it. A lot of this stuff has to do with shame, like especially women with sex. There's so much shame involved with wanting to have sex and being sexual in general. So I think this book does a good job of being like, yeah, there should be shame, but I don't really feel any anymore, you know.

How did you navigate that as a comedian, as far as being self-deprecating and vulnerable, or telling the things that you normally wouldn't tell?

I mean, I've always been an open book. Like, I'm not a secret keeper of myself. Everybody knows everything. I'll keep your secret until I'm dead, you know. If you say keep this a secret, it's going to the grave with me, okay? But myself, I'd tell everybody. Um, So that was already like a natural thing. You've always— I've always been an overshare, as they say. Um, and like, literally come up here and be like, my pants are too tight, I can't— you know. Um, but, uh, so that's always natural for me. It's literally picking the stories that are funny and, um, resonate with people, stay with people. And you usually find out in a meet and greet line, they'll let you know. I related so hard to when he came on your back, you know, like, I'm so sorry, you guys look like very intelligent, wise people. Don't be fooled. Okay, good, good, good, good. Everybody talks about cum on their back.

Okay, um, there's a certain amount of, uh, courage that that takes though. Maybe you don't feel that, but for somebody who's a little more uptight Yeah, that feels courageous. It feels courageous for the person that will say the thing everybody's thinking but won't say.

Yeah, but I try and do it in a way that's not going to hurt anyone, you know. I don't want to hurt—

well, you're, you're doing it at the detriment of yourself.

Yes, I'm hurting myself and my mother. No, no, my mother, I will say, is very proud. She loves that I do She comes to every show that she can, and she said—

Oh, I'm sure a schoolteacher is excited that their daughter picked this book.

Honestly, I think I gave it to her to read. I can't remember who I gave it to.

I gave it to someone. Where do you get your sense of humor?

Your mom or your dad? My mom and my dad. Oh, both? My mom is funny in like a book-smart way. You know, she'll do a pun, she'll do a, you know, a quick-witted joke. And then my dad is funny in a in a fart joke kind of way. So it's a little bit of both.

How did this book impact your comedy?

I mean, it literally made me start doing comedy. I feel like every other line in this book is a joke. Like, she is very, this is a standup's book because like David Sedaris, for example, you know, their jokes are funny, but they take a while. You know, he's navigating a lot of, You know, he's painting a scene. This is like, and then this happened, and then punchline, and then this happened, punchline. It's like literally every other sentence is a joke. And that's the way standup is. It's literally laughs per minute. So this, I think I was like reading it and I was like, oh my God, this is so funny. This is so funny. And then I literally Googled Ophira Eisenberg, found the book, read the book, read that she was a standup comic, went to Gotham and watched her like a creep, and then did a deep dive on everything. And she's like, She did NPR, she's done The Moth, but she's been a comedian forever. And so then I was like, okay. And she has a husband and a son, 'cause I wanted a family at the time and still do, but you know, we'll see. Gotta meet the right. Yeah, now you do a lot of therapy and you realize if you don't have the right partner, the family is only gonna, you're gonna hate it, so. Then you create a serial killer, and that's not what you want. So, uh, or it is, or it is. Yeah, no, that would be messed up if that was the goal.

Well, I think being unintentional about things can be just as intentional. Like, if you're indifferent about how you raise your kids, that's intentional.

I see that. I see what you're saying there. Like, if you're like, yeah, whatever, yeah, that's a form of neglect.

You're gonna get, yeah, whatever.

Yeah, yeah, you're gonna get maybe an Ed Gein with that.

Her approach, her approach in the book to dating and relationships is kind of scientific. It's like kind of trial and error.

Yeah, she kind of throws herself. She's very open-minded. Um, just, yeah, very trial and error, very, well, let— why not? I feel like that's kind of her mentality on this is why not? Let's just go for it. Let's try and see what happens.

Yeah, so she ends up dating some pretty creepy people. Yeah. What is, uh, what is the creepiest person you've dated?

Creepiest person I've dated? Your Garfield story. Oh God, I— well, recently, um, I dated a guy who was like a, a bodybuilder tattoo guy. Covered in tattoos, bodybuilder. He lived— I know he did. He lived in a home. Lived in a home? Yeah, he had an apartment. I've dated a few guys who didn't live in a home. I dated a van guy and a guy who lived in a storage unit. Yeah, I never— I never slept in those places. They would, funny enough, always come to my place.

Have you considered like a questionnaire before you date?

No, because they made me laugh and that was it. Oh yeah, it's truly gonna get you in trouble. Oh, absolutely. Um, this guy wasn't great. This— and, um, there was one guy who took upskirt photos, got arrested for taking upskirt photos.

Of you or of others? Of others.

While we were together, he got arrested for taking—

you could have given him some advice.

I literally was like, what is wrong with my vagina that you have to go on a train and take upskirt photos?

I literally have— well, and just your knowledge of photography, you could have helped him.

I wasn't good with aperture. The depth of field would have been totally off.

There's these cameras now that'll do it for you. Yeah, thank God.

But this was about 10 years ago, so I don't think— oh, more than that. I guess it's like— it's hilarious. Yeah, he's so funny. But yeah, he did. He got arrested for taking upskirt photos. I should have known. He was wearing a fedora, you know, like he had these you know, there were signs that he was kind of a creep. Um, but I stayed with him for 3 years, I think it was.

Oh wow. Yeah, you're never gonna get those back, those 3 years. Yeah, I'm fine.

It's okay, you live and learn. But yeah, you learn, you know, okay, sometimes the short guy who's wearing a hat to cover the fact that he's balding is not going to have a lot of, uh, compassion.

What would be your advice to a guy that's balding? Like, how should he handle It's fine.

Just— it happens. Be funny. Be funny. Don't try and comb it over. Embrace it. You know, probably shave your head. I would say shave your head. There's also— don't be ashamed of transplants. Bosley is doing great things. Yeah, going to Turkey.

All the guys I know going to Turkey. Yeah, there's Turkey.

I know a lot of gay men who get them done. A lot of comics have gotten it done. No shame. They talk about it. And, uh, yeah, I feel like men should treat it like the way women treat plastic surgery. It's just kind of something if you want to do, do it. Yeah, it's your body, your choice, baby.

Yeah, I kind of feel like my hair isn't my— like, it isn't the feature that's getting me by, so I would just do the Bruce Willis and just go short.

This is— yeah, this is where the eye goes. This is very wise, very strong.

Can I get you to do me a favor? Okay. And turn to the first tab which I don't think— it's not really a page, it just says introduction.

Okay, got it, got it. Okay, read that.

So this is how she kind of introduces herself reading out loud.

I was always the kid that got picked on to read out loud because I was so bad at reading out loud.

Oh, this would be great.

When I had to do the roast for— of Marshawn Lynch, the way I practiced every single day I would read out loud to myself because I was such a bad reader and I knew I'd have to read from a prompter.

Hold on, why are you roasting Marshawn Lynch? He's a— he's a— okay, so he's an American football—

I walked in like, what the hell did I get myself into?

What did you say about Marshawn Lynch?

I had to do that show Funny AF on Netflix with Kevin Hart.

Okay, what did you say about Marshawn?

I, well, I'm a 49er fan. Oh my God.

I know. Don't get started with that.

Are you a Seattle fan? Of course. Oh my God. First off, congratulations. I'm happy you won the Super Bowl. Second, fuck you. That doesn't seem sincere whatsoever.

How about, how about the way we handled you guys in the playoffs?

That's enough. Okay. We're gonna score multiple touchdowns to make up for the fact that we scored none last time. No, you guys were very good. You guys were very good this year and you're still good. Last year and you're going to be very good this year and we're going to have a rebuilding year and it's fine. It's fine.

What did you say about Marshawn, though?

Give me one of those jokes. What was one of the jokes I said about Marshawn?

He smoked a lot of weed, right?

He smoked a lot of weed. He was drinking Hennessy while we were doing it. He also didn't know that it was a roast.

Oh, not the time to figure it out.

Because he was like, he had a microphone and he would try and like interrupt. And we were like, no, no.

That's not how this works.

That's not how this works. I did flip him off at some point. Oh, I said, Marshawn, as a 49er fan, I don't know what was more painful, watching you beat us or watching your acting career. Your episode of Murderville made me want to kill myself. That was one that I said. That's good. Pretty good. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Marshawn has taken more shots to the head than Nikki Glaser. Or shot to the face, excuse me. And that's not a cum joke, that is a Botox joke. And then I had more about Marshawn. What did I say? I had, I can't remember honestly. Well, go Hawks. Okay. Go Niners. Niner Nation. Okay. But anyway, the moral of that story was I'm not a strong reader. Well, you're a 49ers fan.

Okay, that's enough. Moral of that story. That's enough.

That's enough. That's enough. Hush. We were getting along so well. Until then. Okay. I'm not effortlessly pretty, but I do clean up well. My real gift is that I'm not fussy. If we were talking about food, I'd be considered adventurous. In wine circles, unpretentious. And in dating terms, a slut. What a great sentence. Yeah. So good. Yeah, it's so good. She is such a, and this, When I read it now, knowing her, this is how she talks. You know, she's very quick-witted. She's very, um, uh, she chooses her words very wisely. You know, they're very much on purpose. All of her jokes are very— there's like a rhythm to them, and I've read it in that rhythm. Yeah. And there's—

so there's a certain double standard with men and women, and she has a very kind of like unapologetic take on it.

Yeah, she is, um Unapologetically is great. I think it has something to do with her car accident too that she got into.

We're going to get to that next, I think. Yeah. So the next tab.

Okay, great, great, great, great.

I think you read that great, by the way. I don't understand why.

Thank you. Thank you.

What you were talking about. Really?

Oh, I just realized you have a pink drink over here. Look at that.

That's off camera. Oh, sorry.

Let's talk about that. Electrolytes. What are you doing?

Yeah. LMT. LMNT. What's that stuff that people drink that, uh, this, you know, the wrappers? What is that? The wrappers? The Sizzurp? Yeah. Oh, it's not that though. If I could have thought of it, it would have been funny. Would have nailed it. Yeah, just a little slow.

It's okay, we're all doing the best we can, man.

Yeah, I'm about to read out loud. So she had a—

she had an accident. She had an accident, yeah.

She had a car accident, um, and then she writes this.

And then after the accident, I grappled with the idea that random acts could throw everything off course. Bad things happened. Life wasn't going to take care of me, and I had to agree with my mother that waiting for things to happen organically was an utter waste of precious time. You want a cupcake? Go buy one. They only have lime ones left? Guess what your new favorite flavor is. Yeah, she— yeah, she's definitely a doer. She goes and she That's it. But yeah, I think this, the car accident was at a very important time and that scar, I related to that. So I have this guy, this, take a look.

We got a mole. That's a scar?

No, it's not. It's a mole. We got a mole. Moley moley. Oh, don't zoom in on it. What are you doing? That was crazy.

I saw your little hand go. You stepped into the trap, Josh.

Oh my God. Zoom in on the mole, you fucking psycho. Anyway, in my stand-up pants.

You know what's great about that mole though? What? It doesn't have hair coming out of it.

That's because I shave it.

Oh, well, we're glad you shave it.

Okay, the amount of men— which, if you had a mole, you would shave it. There's no way there's hair coming out of your— thank you, women. It's— I have another mole here. I shave it every day. My friend has a mole on her face, Chloe Radcliffe. She shaves it. She'll know. But yeah, no moles have hair.

Yeah, it's awful. Anyway, that's what I'm saying. I appreciate that you shave it.

You appreciate anything for you, my love. But yeah, and I always felt like people were staring at my mole. They would call me mole. They would call me pig. They would call me poopy leg.

You know, like in Mexico, being called mole is a compliment. Oh, because I had mole.

Yeah, I doubt any woman who is called mole would be like, yeah.

Yes, certain, certain—

I look like brown goop.

Certain moles are, uh, related to marriage and— yeah, oh yeah, can be a good— well, okay, Miss Mole. What do you think about the part here where she, where she's talking about making it happen? You got to kind of got to grab it and make it happen.

Yeah, you got to make the first move.

You seem like you, uh, you're not sitting around waiting for things to happen.

No, no, you're going for I credit that to my mom as well. My mom was a go-getter. She was like, you have to do it if you want something. We're not the pretty girls who sit around. If it's lime, then that's our new favorite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You make it work. You want ice cream? They only have 3 flavors left. Pick the best one. You know, we're getting ice cream. We're also nice.

Have you been that one from a— that way from a kid?

Yeah, I've always been the one making the first move. I've always been the one kind of putting myself out there first. You know, the only thing I wasn't that way with was stand-up. I really danced around her, you know. I think it's probably because it's what you really, really want, and what if it doesn't work out?

Yeah, she has like— I like her style. Like, so this is another one, uh, a quote where she's getting advice from her older sister, and she says, before I'd even swallowed one drop of alcohol, she predicted that vodka would make me argue with my boyfriend. She was right. And that I'd also suffer a falling out when in the presence of José Cuervo or Captain Morgan. She promised me that losing my virginity would not be the beautiful and romantic experience movies made it out to be. Instead, it would be more akin to how English philosopher Thomas Hobbes described the life of a man in his natural state: nasty, brutish, and short.

I love that.

So such a— yeah, yeah. So highbrow with a little lowbrow. How was losing your virginity? Was it a disaster?

Can I be honest? I think I lost mine. Was it?

Was for sure. You don't know what you're doing.

No, of course not. I feel like—

feel bad for the poor girl, too.

And we feel bad for you.

Yeah, it's awkward. Yeah, it's— and there's so much pressure. So much pressure. And then the day after you lost your virginity, like, you're a different person.

You've been Baptized. Baptized in shame. Yeah.

Now I gotta figure out how to get good at this.

Yeah. Oh my God. Well, I gotta be honest. I lost my virginity like a few times. What? I know. It doesn't— How do you do that? This is, okay. So the first time was with this guy named Hector in the girls' locker room at my high school. We were on the pole vaulting mats when we should have been out at PE. He put it in for a second and then the custodian walked in and then he jumped off of me. And so we didn't have sex. He just kind of put it in a little bit.

How old were we?

We were 16. Okay. And then Hector and I broke up eventually. Um, and then I hooked up with a girl. I hooked up with Annie from, uh, 16, 17, 17. Yeah, 17. Annie, she was—

so that's, that's the best it got for Hector?

That was the best it got for Hector.

You never gave Hector another shot?

No. No, no, no.

Were you traumatized?

No, no, no, no. I remember not feeling— I just feel like, oh my God, we almost got caught. You know what I mean? Like, I— yeah, I kind of looked at my virginity kind of like she did, like just something that, you know, I really was curious about sex. I wanted to have sex. It seemed cool. Um, and, uh, and I liked Hector a lot, so I was like, yeah, let's just, you know, if it happens, it happens. Woo! You know? Um, And then with Annie, she just made a move and I let it happen. We were flirty, flirty. She was very much a tomboy. Um, but now looking back on it, I'm like, oh, that was lesbian sex, you know? It wasn't— it was penetration but with hands, you know? It was stuff like that. But when you're happening, you're like, well, it's a girl, so it's not sex, you know? And then you grow up and you realize, oh no, that's sex. And then I actually lost like full lost it, 18, high school sweetheart. His name was Christopher. Was it romantic? No, it was on the couch at my parents' house.

Was it nasty, brutish, and short?

It was short, but it wasn't nasty. It was, it was sweet, actually. It was sweet because we really liked each other. He snuck in through the back door because my parents were home and I didn't want my neighbors to know that he was coming. So he snuck in through the back door. Oh my God, I forgot about this. He snuck in through the back door We had sex on the couch. It was pretty quick, but it was still sweet, and I was just glad that it was over. And then, um, he left. And then my neighbor from the backside, they called the police being like, someone snuck into your house. So the police show up. So the police show up. Was he gone? He was gone. I was horrified.

Yeah, by the time he comes in and they call the police, he's— he lost your virginity. He's gone.

He's gone. Yeah. And I was so mortified. And then the police—

quicker than the police can get there.

What does that say about the response rate in San Bruno, huh?

Yeah. But yeah, he— poor Christopher.

Poor Christopher. No, he got it. He got a few more chances. Christopher is fine. Yeah. He was also so hot. Tall, blue eyes, captain of the basketball team. I did great. But then the police kept coming back and they would leave notes being like, you have to— and I would find the notes before my parents could see them and I'd rip them up and put them in the toilet. And then eventually they kept coming back. So I had to go to my mom and be like, Mom, this is what happened. Don't tell Dad. She was like, okay, but also don't do it in the house.

So do it outside.

Do it outside. And then I would do it in my car and we called it the Ford Fuck Out. 'Cause I had a Ford Focus, so we turned it into the Ford Focus.

Oh, isn't it hard in a car when you're tall? It was impossible.

And the police came again. Oh my God. I have— I was a bad kid.

But you were never arrested?

No, I was never arrested. We were 18, so they let us go.

You don't get arrested to be a bad kid. Okay. Or kicked out of school. Were you arrested? Yeah. Oh, really? Kicked out of school, all of that.

Really? What were you doing? Drinking?

Hell yeah. Cool. Everybody else ran. I didn't run.

No, you stayed. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's funny. So it was so junior high. Junior high. My high school was weird because my junior high went to 9th grade. Okay.

It was so big.

Oh, yeah. Nobody ever vote to add another high school. Okay. So there were 3 junior highs that fed this huge high school. Okay. And we graduated 9th grade and we had this friend that was kind of disabled mentally. Okay. And we all pitched in and got a case of Corona, and we hiked down to this Blackjack Creek that had this like bridge. Okay. And we're all down there drinking Coronas, and somebody goes, "Cops!" And we look up and there's cops on that side and cops on that side. So yeah, a bunch of the kids ran down the creek, which probably was the strategy.

Yeah. And you just stayed? Yeah. Fight or flight? And you— I stayed.

They handcuffed me. The guy put me in the back of the cop car and he goes, uh, have you ever— he said it more crude than this, but we're on YouTube, so he said, have you ever anal, basically? And, uh, I was like, no. And he puts me in the back of the cop car. But it ends— my grandfather was the— was a fire chief and he knew I was, so he let me go after 15 minutes of harassing me and said, you know, you're Dick's kid, wait till you get home.

Oh yeah, because Dick's gonna deal with Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With another— no, no, no, good. He meant jail, but yeah, yeah, no, for sure. My grandfather, uh, was just disappointed in me that he didn't—

oh, he never hit— that sometimes that's worse.

It was way worse. Like, I was— I didn't want to let him down. Yeah, you know.

Yeah, my grandma was that way too. Like, we were at a family reunion and I got blackout drunk and made a scene And then the next day I'm hungover and she comes over and she was just like, the ranger gave me a note saying last year saying how great he thought my family was and how well-behaved and respectful everyone was. And I didn't get a note this year. Oh, okay. It's my fault Grandma didn't get a note. Oh God, that was devastating. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so back to your virginity.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So you lost it 3 times?

I lost it 3 times, yeah. But I would say the, the nice one was with Chris, and then we both got good at it, you know, because we were high school sweethearts.

Yeah, in the car.

In the car, and sometimes in my room. I was left alone a lot, but that's okay. Yeah, it's good.

Okay, page 96. This is kind of funny because the question is like Who would you say, as we sit here right now today, is the love of your life? A human being? Yeah. So far, who's been the longest, most intimate, real relationship you've had with somebody? Oh, yeah.

My ex-fiancé, I would say. His name is Steve. Okay. Yeah, we had a 7-year go. Pretty good. That's great.

Yeah. You don't seem old enough to have a 7-year go. Thank you.

The Botox is working and my chronic maturity. Okay, read this on 96. Okay. It's flattering when the next, uh, person someone dates reminds people of you. He has brand loyalty. He just didn't like your particular model. However, it's a total insult when she's the polar opposite. That means he wants nothing to do with your company ever again.

So would you rather have an ex date somebody like you or somebody completely different? Complete—

well, in this His situation, I would hope completely different. Why? Because I broke his heart. Oh, so I hope that he does better and does better than me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I hope, um, I hope he picks someone.

Why'd you break his heart?

Oh gosh, he didn't deserve it. It was, um, uh, it was a me thing. I hadn't been single for more than 3 months in like since I moved to New York. You know, I never knew how to be alone. I never lived alone. I didn't know how to take care of myself. And then I was also taking, doing the mothering thing to him, you know? So it was like I had to figure my own shit out before I got married. And then I had, and then I stopped drinking. I'm not sober, but in order to lose weight, I wanted to get into shape. I lost 50 pounds. In order to do that, I had to give up drinking. And so for the first time in my life, I had become sober. And I had made all these realizations. So getting sober, going to therapy, and then being faced with forever with one person kind of made me realize that I didn't have my own shit together. So I had to let him go. And that was the hardest thing I've ever done. Yeah. Yeah. That and roasting Marshawn Lynch.

You're a 49ers fan. It should have been easy.

But he is so big. Like he's only 5'10", but when I hugged him, it's solid. Oh yeah, he's a— I couldn't imagine being like, yeah, I'm gonna run into this person on purpose.

He would hunt the defense like he wanted.

Terrifying, terrifying man. God. But anyway, I did the best I could.

Okay, '98, read this one. Okay. All right.

Yes, yes sir. Um, I wanted him back. She nodded like she'd heard it all before and said that for $40 I had a I could cast a move on with your life spell or a come back to me spell. Was she kidding? Without a pause, I said, come back to me. She kept trying to sway me. Are you sure? She asked, because there's a special on— there's a special on the move on with your life spell.

Have you ever seen a psychic or anybody like that?

Uh, no, I've never seen a psychic, but I did go to my— my friend's a witch and she read my tarot cards, and that was cool, and it was so accurate that I never went back. It freaked me out because she was like, in the next 3 months your life is going to change completely, and, uh, it's for the better, but it's going to really suck in the short term, and then in the long term it's going to be great.

I mean, this is so funny because she goes to somebody and she's like, I can put a spell on him to come back or to leave. Yeah, she's like, oh, I want him to come back.

And she's like, well, I have a discount. Yeah, literally like, please do not. Just trying to sway her with— Yeah, no, I— Have you ever had your tarot cards read?

Yeah, you know what's really funny is there was a time— So let me think about how old was I? I was like 26, 27, and I had this job opportunity, but I was doing really well in what I was doing, and I was kind of conflicted. And I ended up in Vegas by myself for some reason. And there was like a— in the Aladdin Hotel that used to be there, I think it's called Planet Hollywood now, there was like set up a tent thing. You could have somebody like tell you a fortune. And I went in there, this poor girl was like 21. Yeah, just a kid. And so I told her my, my life, you know. Yeah. Decision that I'm trying to figure out to like, and, and I, I think I paid her like $50 or something. And she goes, basically she could tell how sincere I was. Yeah. And so she's like, well, whatever decision you make will be the right one. Oh wow. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, this probably isn't— yeah, this isn't it. You're in over your head here.

Yeah, that's so funny. When my, my friend, her name is Robin, she did it and she's Wiccan. And so when she read it and I was like, this is crazy, this isn't anything. And then within 3 months I broke up with the upskirt photo guy, which I did not see coming. I was in love. We were going to get married. We broke up because he hit on my friends. And then I started comedy 2 months after that and my life sucked for like 3 months. And then I started comedy and then everything took off and got way, way better. Much better. Yeah. Which is how it goes.

That's how it goes. Yeah. I believe in that stuff.

You do believe in like witches and psychics and stuff like that?

Yeah. How about— do you ever feel things like that where you feel like you can predict something or you have some sort of sense about it?

Yeah, sometimes I dream about things that happen, you know, and then you're like, huh, this is where— and then I take it as this is where I'm supposed to be, you know, when I dream about something and then it actually— maybe déjà vu, a version of déjà There was also one time I was walking down the street, I was drinking a coffee and I didn't like the coffee. It was bad. It was a really bad coffee. And I was like, ugh, I hate this. Am I wasteful if I throw it away? God, I wish I could just give it to somebody. And I'm walking down the street and this unhoused man comes up and he goes, "Hey, can I have your coffee?" And I go, "Yeah." And I give it to him. And at that moment I was like, people can read minds. It was so instantaneous that I was like, this is real. This guy read my mind and was like— Took your guilt away. Took my guilt away. My God. And then I bought a coffee from a place that I love and it was really good.

Yeah. That's so funny.

Yeah. But that's when I was like, people might be able to read my mind.

Yeah. You have a hard time with that sort of thing?

Yeah. I think my mom and my dad have had me grounded in reality. You know, they're not religious. They're very, you know, fact-driven. And then, so I, that stuff, it's very hard for me to be, a horoscope is, you know, life is in the stars, you know. I have a hard time with that, but it is fun. Like, horoscopes are fun. What's your sign? Guess. I— body. Uh, Capricorn. I'm a Capricorn.

Oh, when's your birthday? Uh, 13th. January 13th.

January 7th. Oh my God, we're the same.

We're connected. Okay, 153. Let's try to stay on track with the book here.

I'm having fun. Okay.

One night I was even daring enough to approach this guy after watching his girlfriend storm out. Like a vulture, I swooped in with 2 shots of tequila, handed him one, and with a smile said, 'Women, can't live with them, can't stuff them in a bag.' Like I said, I was struggling, Tommy. No, we had a debate on this. Okay, like you could stuff— I mean, if she was small.

If she was small, you could stuff a woman.

Leave a little room for air. Yeah.

Well, now we know that there is plenty of men who stuff women in bags, so it's all about how much you want it.

So funny. Yeah. What's the craziest pickup line? Like, do guys hit on you when you're— when you're done being on stage?

Do you get groupies? Yeah, men hit on me and I'll never discourage a man from shooting their shot in real life. If you come up to me and shoot your shot, I'll never be like, you're an idiot. Never. Go ahead, shoot your shot in real life. The DM, it's an epidemic. The DMs, people— guys get crazy with the DMs. I get DMs. I can go through my phone right now and show you some of the horrific things men say to me in terms of trying to have sex with me.

Oh, you probably show dick pics and all that.

Oh yeah. Oh my God, I got one. He sent me a dick pic. It was to my phone number, which is terrifying. I don't know how he got my phone number, but he sent it to my phone number and he goes, "Hey, you like?" And then waited 9 minutes. 9 minutes waited.

Wait, you didn't immediately respond?

I was asleep. It was 4 in the morning. Also, I never would.

4 in the morning. That's even better. You got to put— you got to give that context. 4 in the morning.

So this is what I wake up to.

Imagine it. Imagine it's 4 in the morning. You're like, you know what I'm going to do? Yeah, send her a picture.

Well, this is the funny part. You like? Question mark. Waited 9 minutes. I didn't respond. And then he writes, eh, you're fat anyway.

God bless. You should make a book of all your— if you let me go through your DMs, I'll make a book.

Yeah, it would be hilarious. I mean, I screenshot the crazy ones.

Yeah, that would be hilarious.

One guy was like, I want to wear you like sunglasses, one leg on each ear.

That's not a— that's not—

that's not bad. I mean, it's at least creative.

Yeah.

A lot of them are just like, you're hot, you're sexy. Let me— one guy who was like, this one was like, how stupid are men? Not you guys. You guys are great. No, we're stupid. Yeah. Well, this guy, he was like, man, I wish you lived in my neighborhood or lived close to me so I could take you out on a date. And then I didn't respond. I didn't see it. And then, and then he writes, I posted a picture like a thirst trap and he wrote underneath it. He was like, don't be one of those ugly girls who thinks they're pretty. Stay humble. And I'm literally like, you just asked me out. Like, obviously you think I'm pretty. Do you think that the messages just disappear with my response? It's just like, it's so— it's like, I know that you're negging me, but it's like not going to work. I'm too old and too confident.

What, what, what ones have worked?

One guy did work and he was a sweet guy. He's the one that lived in the van covered in tattoos. So hot. Hot. I mean, literally the hottest guy I've ever dated, I think. Um, he was really sweet. He DM'd me. I was feeding a giraffe, uh, in my stories. Yeah, I get a lot of zoo people who come to my shows and they're like, do you want to come feed a giraffe? And I go, absolutely. I pet a beluga whale. I mean, come on, buddy. Anyway, um, so I'm feeding this giraffe and he goes, this is the cutest thing I've seen all week. You look so happy. And then I looked at his profile and he was super hot. Hot. And it was on public. Boys, it needs to be on public. I have to be able to see your profile. Anyway, and so I looked at it and I was like, yeah, I'll respond to this. He's so hot. His abs are out. He has tons of chest hair. My God, tons of tattoos. And then he looks sweet and nice. And so I responded. And then we dated for 3 months. Yeah, it was great. So just don't be a creep. Yeah. And respond with something sincere.

You're in, man. I know. Let me go through your DMs sometime. I would love that. Oh, I can't imagine. It's crazy.

But also, you know, please come to a show.

We will for sure.

Oh, what are we reading next?

170. Okay, you got it.

One of the advantages of being a female stand-up comic was that I ran in a circle of mostly single men— damaged, childish social weirdos, but still identifiable as That's so accurate. Oh my God, identifiable as men. Yeah, she's so funny. But yeah, this is like, you are surrounded by men constantly in stand-up comedy. It has gotten a little bit better, I will say. Like, since when I started 12 years ago, it was— I was always the only woman in the room, uh, open mics. And a lot of shows, you're the only woman on the lineup. It is changing. Which is great. We love that. But they are— sometimes you're sitting there watching a man do an open, like, do his material, and you're just watching him and you're like, you hate women, you hate us. You're— and then they direct— because you're the only woman in the room, they direct all their jokes at you. And so you're like, oh, you hate me, you hate me. But yeah, it's, um, It is a wild thing. So whenever another woman and another woman, two women are in the same open mic, we just run to each other. Who are you? What's your favorite color? Let's play. You know, are you wearing standup shorts? You know? Yeah. Yeah. But yeah.

There's something a little broken about a lot of comedians.

A lot of them, but the really good ones, you know, the ones that continue to do it after 10 years plus, are you— are 9 times out of 10 really, really nice, really adjusted, go to therapy, figure out their shit, don't put their shit on you. You know, there is, um, if you want to make this a career, you have to have some sort of self-awareness and, uh, accountability. And so I will say, um, open micers, rough. Professional stand-up comedians, awesome.

Yeah. I think this is, this is the craziest part of the book and maybe your favorite on 206. The, uh, is this Garfield?

Yeah. Oh, we had to read this. I— we let— read it in class, uh, and I like the first half of it in class, and then the assignment was to read it the rest at home. I'm doubled over laughing and laughing and laughing. Everyone else is like, hahaha, and I was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Like red, and like, I, I just fell in love instantly. I'll never forget it. Oh my God. Okay, anyway. Now I have something special to show you, he said flirtatiously and swung open the unfinished wooden door to his bedroom. In that one moment before light revealed the inner contents of his boudoir, I envisioned many things: another man, a harness, a bunk bed, To say I was stunned by the actual contents would be putting it lightly. It was like nothing I had ever seen before, especially from a grown man, or at least one in the same room with me. Rob's room was full of, and I mean covered with, Garfield.

Oh my God, what makes that so funny from a From a scientific comedy perspective. Well, it's so— Because there's a setup. Oh, yeah. And you don't expect it.

You're thinking sexual. You're thinking harness.

Harness. Oh, my God. Like, what was that book about BDSM that all the girls loved?

Oh, yeah. Gray something. Fifty Shades of Grey. Wow. Now the boys show up. Jesus Christ. That's when they're like, oh, no, no, no, we got this. We got this. We know. Okay.

Were you thinking Fifty Shades of Grey?

Yeah, a red room, something like, oh my God, this is where I keep all my diamonds, like something, you know. Garfield isn't sexy. Garfield's not sexy, it's childish, it's so niche. I haven't thought about Garfield since I was in third grade. I just know Garfield likes lasagna. He likes lasagna and hates Mondays, you know. That's it. Oh my God. And It's just so fun. And it's like, and you know from the rest of this book, you know that she's gonna do it, you know? Like, she's not— this isn't gonna deter her.

She's not backing down. We can go back and read. It's so funny. Yeah, this is true. This is scientific to her. She's got to see how this goes.

She's like, can I, can I come if there's a Garfield staring me down? Yeah, multiple Garfields. I mean, oh, now I realize, like, Garfield's is so funny. I'm the woman who has a bunch of weird art and vintage cameras in her room, you know? And so I actually had a gentleman over, again, so hot. I mean, I really— I do well. Um, uh, yeah, tattoos, um, beautiful. I would have been happy just to stare at him, and he was like, no, let's have sex. And I was like, okay, you know. Anyway, I'll show you a picture. You'll get it. Actually, she'll get it. But he— we were laying there afterwards and he was just like, I can't believe I did this. And I was like, what do you mean? He was like, why do you have so many cameras pointed at the bed? And I was like, no, there's not. And I'm looking around because I know that they're film cameras and they're in no use. But if you don't know anything about cameras, it just looks like there's a bunch of I was like, I'm so sorry, but there literally are 6 different cameras in this room.

But you kind of— you have them set up like furniture, like, yeah, it's like a tchotchke.

And he's literally like, I—

yeah, and there's no way they're recording anything. No, because it's film. You have to go buy. Yeah. And then even after, even after you shoot, if you got to go develop—

I know, it's like, what am I gonna do, a Super 8 that only is 8 minutes long? It better longer than 8 minutes. Okay, but yeah, I just— I was like, oh my God, I'm Garfield.

That would be a little unnerving. Yeah, you got performance anxiety.

I was like, and he's like, oh my God, but he still did it. What does that say about him?

So this is the, the last one and kind of wraps it up really well. She said, I had a knack for scanning a room full of faces and ignoring the happy smiling ones to locate the person having the worst time. Every other last audience member could be laughing, cheering, having the time of their life, but I'd hone in on the man or the woman who looked miserable, and then I spent the rest of my act delivering my material straight to them in some sort of twisted Mexican joke standoff. I do that too.

Yeah, I find the one person who's not having fun And then I look and I go, these are— I'm gonna make you love me. I'm gonna turn this around, buddy.

What's, what's your, uh, closing ratio on making them love you?

9 out of 10. Really? Yeah, because I'll— I also do a lot of stand or a lot of crowd work, and so I'll just start talking to them, you know.

Then you pull them in.

Yeah, pull them in, and then they're focused, then they feel a part of it, and then you keep going. It happened to me in Denver. I was just in Denver This one woman was in the front, and a lot of times when you're in the front at one of my shows, you're— and you don't want to be in the front, you're terrified because I do— I'm known for talking to people. And so she was sitting there and she's not making eye contact, looking away. And then I eventually engage. Her friend is having the time of her life. And then she is just like, no, no, no. And then I did my dirtiest joke and that cracked her. And I was like, that's what you want, you sick little freak. She's like, oh my God, you know? But I won her over, and I was like, yo, I got you, you know. But my therapist would say, you know, do not look at the one person not having fun and embrace the people who are. But it's like, I'm still a broken toy.

Yeah, nobody's going to their therapist to become a great comedian. No. How much of crowd work is, is the audience being seen and feeling a part of it? It's so—

for me, it's so important. I always say that I want the crowd leaving with what, like an inside joke, you know, something that only happened in that moment, in that hour and a half that we decided to be together. You know, I want something unique to happen, you know, something that we all think about later. You know, something that you throw in the group chat and everybody gets.

It's performance art. Like it's a different thing. It's comedy, but it's also, But yeah, plus, plus. Yeah, in a way it's—

and it's also being very present and that helps me a lot because I get distracted very easily, as you could tell by this whole— Squirrel, squirrel. I mean, I've been squirreling this whole thing.

This room is pretty good for that.

Yeah, I mean, it's—

and you see the gold wall? Oh my God, that's leather. That's leather.

Yeah. Wow. Look at that. Better than Garfield covered in a bunch of cows.

Well, especially colored cows.

Especially colored cows, you could say. I love that. Expensive cows.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, so I get distracted, and I've learned to trust my instincts enough to let that happen, you know. So if I do get distracted, I'll be able to get myself out of it if it doesn't go well. But usually I can make it go well. I can find the funny. Um, but yeah, I think it's, it's really important for me to be um, to be in the moment, ready to go, and then tell my jokes. So yeah, big question.

Uh-oh. How did Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy change your life?

I mean, it changed my life in that it got me to start stand-up comedy. It made me fall in love with Ophira. Again, Ophira, I'm so sorry. I know we're friends. Um, I was— we are friends, I know, but, uh, you're gonna be mortified that I was kind of a stalker. Um, I mean, I went to multiple—

she did a good job. Like, this is a tribute to the fact that she created something pretty special.

She created something very special, I would say. Um, and I'm not the only one. There's a few of us out there who are like, oh my God, it's Ophira, you know. And, um, but yeah, this is one of the best. And I've read a lot of stand-up or books by stand-ups. This is one of the best ones because it is just so funny. It's so dense with jokes. Jokes. Um, and yeah, it literally made me want to— not only want to try stand-up, but believe that I could do it because she was doing it, you know. She like pretty much laid out a way to do it. And, um, and she also made me feel less shameful about my own sexual past, which was— it's like, oh, that can be used as jokes. We can joke about this. It's not something that I have to keep hidden and buried and only talk about with my close friends. And be afraid that they're judging me behind their back, you know, which they are, which they are.

But, but it's still funny.

Yeah, it's so funny. But yeah, so I think— thank you, Ophir.

Thank you for doing this. Thank you. Nobody picked this book previously, so— really?

Do you get a lot of repeats? Yeah.

Oh really? Not a lot, but enough. But it's always fun when we, when we are turned on to a book that we wouldn't have known about otherwise, that that's, that's special.

Yeah, yeah, this one, um, it's great. I hope you see her live. Go to a Moth Jam or something with her. But she's, um, she's really great. She's really fantastic. Canadians usually do it better, so they're known for stand-up.

Yeah, Norm Macdonald, he's my favorite comedian. Really? Canadian?

Yeah, a lot of, a lot of comedians are Canadian. Steph Tollef, she's great. I just saw her last night. Canadian. Um, Nathan McIntosh. Oh, you'd like Nathan McIntosh if you like— yeah, you'd like Nathan. Um, but yeah, I can give you a list. Yeah, of good Canadians. Yeah, tell me, tell me about your YouTube.

Is it on YouTube? Yeah, Prosciutto Rose.

Prosciutto Rose.

What is that? What does that mean? Is that the— have you ever heard deli meat art?

Have you, have you ever heard of beef curtains?

And some more. Yeah, I went to somebody's house once and they had—

yeah, it was like Lady Gaga, actually. Her meat dress just hung up behind— yeah, above her bathroom window.

Probably the same person that sewed the dress, but they made curtains for it. Nice.

The flies though. Yeah, it really gets sticky, putrid. Um, but yeah, it's, um, it's actually, uh It's a special that I taped 5 days before I found out I got Funny AF, which is the show that I was on that was very popular. Hilarious. And so I had— I literally used the material from that show in this special. And so I was— I released it. I'm really proud of it. I self-produced it very DIY, but I think it turned out really beautifully and I'm really, really proud of it. It. And, um, it's about dating, becoming single, losing weight. Um, I went on a whole journey. And, um, yeah, it was really, really fun to make, and it was really— I really love those jokes. So, uh, yeah, please watch it. It's on YouTube. Caitlin Palufo is the handle. So, um, Prosciutto Rose. And then if anybody wants to, uh, DM you, yeah, feel free. What's your Instagram? @caitlinpalufo. Kaitlin with a C. C-A-I-T-L-I-N P-E-L-U-F-F-O.

Yeah, and you— if you watch a little earlier in this, she kind of gives a little insight in what DMs work better than others.

Truly, there is a way to do it, and I will be nice and be funny and be hot.

Thank you for doing this.

Thank you for having me.

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