A short comedic YouTube bit by Chris Collins (uploaded Dec 21, 2018) in which he calls a phone sex line and asks the operator, Diamond, to read the Wall Street Journal business section in a sultry voice. The exchange mixes genuine business headlines (Hitachi/GE power deal, UK audit overhaul, Apple/India smartphone market, oil-related leadership turmoil) with eroticized improvisation; the piece frames paying for news as adding value and mocks mainstream outlets (CNN/FOX) while keeping a playful tone.
Chapters
So let's talk about fetishes. I think everybody listening to this, you guys like how my voice got all creepy? Let's talk about fetishes. So my fetish is that I like to call sex hotlines, and I like to have them read me business news. There's a couple things with that that I think are important to understand is one, you're getting your business news delivered by a fair and balanced person because they're not biased. It's not Fox News or cnn. And second of all, you're paying a lot for it. I feel like people don't appreciate business news because they're not paying for it. So if you're paying 299aminute, $4.99aminute, there's more value to the news that way. And so, Corey, can you get somebody on the line, call one of those sex lines I gave you and see if you can get somebody for me to read me business news.
One of those two that I gave you. And.
Yeah, so this is going to be expensive. I'm doing this for you, the listeners.
It probably will say at the beginning, like 4.99aminute. You'll have to.
Can we use Spencer's phone?
No, he said.
But yeah, this is your dirty business news. I think this could be actually something that we do. If this goes well, it might go absolutely terrible. But if it goes well, then this might be something we do weekly. You, your dirty business news. So we're calling a sex line, and we're going to ask them to pull up the Wall Street Journal, the business news, and read us what's going on in business in the sexiest, most sultry way. So we have somebody.
What is. Do we know her name?
Diamond. Diamond, okay.
Hello, Diamond?
Yes. Who am I talking to?
This is Chris.
Ooh, I'm the business whisperer. Oh, daddy. So I was wondering, are we going to do a three way with that other guy that put me on the phone?
No, no, you don't want to do that.
You don't want to put him in that position. Oh, don't I though he would complain to hr. He's not like me.
Oh, tell me about you.
He doesn't have fetishes like me. He's a good Midwest fan.
Okay, well, let's focus on us then. Tell me all about your fetishes, Big daddy. What can you do for you?
I want you to read me business news. So can you pull up. Wait, what business news? I want you to go to the Wall Street Journal and I want you to read me the business section.
Not the art section. Yeah, the Wall Street Journal. Not the art section.
But the business section and not Yahoo. Business.
All right, hold on.
At the rate we're paying you, we only want really high end news.
Okay, hold on. Wall Street Journal. Okay. And. All right, the business headline. Is that what we want, Chris?
Well, let's get deep into the. Yeah, we'll start with that, but then maybe we can get deep into the articles.
All right. Oh, I like what I'm seeing. Hitachi to take on GE with 6.4 billion power deal. You know what, Chris? I have my Hitachi right here. You want me to take it for a ride?
No.
Oh, yeah, daddy.
Yeah, you like that?
Okay, read the next one.
Is there anything about Amazon?
Let me scroll. Oh.
No, not that I can see. Okay, here we go. Regulators propose overhaul of UK audit industry. Oh, you want more? UK regulators propose sweeping changes to rules governing British audit firms designed to increase competition, prevent conflicts of interest and restore public confidence. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby, right there.
Why do you think they're doing that?
Oh, why do I think they're doing that?
I don't know, but it says that there was an accounting scandal and you know I love a good scandal. O said that scandal led to the collapse of one of Britain's largest construction company.
See, I think the news is getting you excited.
Business news is more of a fetish than people think, right? You're getting turned on.
Oh, yeah. I'm squeezing my rock hard nipples right now. It was you, baby. Give it to me.
Oh, I can't handle it. Oh, guess where my hands are.
Hopefully on your keyboard, scrolling to the next headline.
All right, hold on. Okay. All right. Apple stumbles in world's largest untapped market. Oh, yeah, baby. You want to tap this market? Oh, you can put me in any position you want.
I feel like that isn't the real headline. I feel like you're veering off a little bit.
Oh, no. This is it.
Will you read that one to me again? The Apple one? Yes, but a little bit slower.
Apple stumbled in world. Oh, yeah, right there. Largest. Oh, oh. Untapped market.
Oh, yeah.
Want me to keep reading that one? You like that one? I like that one. Oh, yeah.
Let's go global.
Yeah, me too.
You're an Apple guy.
I'm an Apple girl, but I'm whatever you want me to be.
Global smartphone sales are flattening, which is why Apple and others are looking to India. And it's millions of newly minted consumers for growth. Oh, yeah. Chris, let's talk about that growth. How hard are you right now?
What do you think Trump would think about that? Isn't Trump trying to get him to make iPhones here?
I don't really know. Let's talk about that growth. Oh, oh. Can I touch it?
Did you vote for Trump?
I actually didn't vote.
The tech giants market share is falling just like my top. Actually, it's not falling. I'm pulling it off. Oh, yeah. Want to see my boobies, Chris? Oh, wanna smile?
You're supposed to be reading the business news.
Okay. Revenue is coming in well below expectations and its top leadership ranks are in turmoil. Oh, God, I love oil. Oh, I'm gonna grab some right now. Rub it all over my big firm.
I think the spirit of that. Isn't that oil is lube? It's like a commodity that is worth a lot of money.
Oh, I'm worth a lot of money, baby. Didn't you know? My name is Diamond. I'm the best commodity. Oh, yeah. I'd love for you to spill your oil all over these diamond titties.
Oh, yeah. All right. You want another one?
No, thank. That was great, Diamond. You made my day. What do you think about my fetish? Is this. Of all the fetishes that you get on a daily basis, is this up there?
This is a first, I'll say that, but I loved it.
A little abnormal, but what's normal nowadays? Anyway, do I get to hear from you again? I'd love to talk to you more often. Maybe. Maybe get your friend on the phone. It's just a little bit extra.
Yeah, we might do that. I like that. Thank you so much, Diamond. You're a sweetheart.
Oh, thank you, baby. I'll be waiting for you.
Okay, bye. Oh, that's so satisfying. In a weird way, it's kind of. It gets a little out of control. Like most fetishes, you don't quite know where it's going. But that's what makes it fun, is the unpredictability of it all. She. She definitely was shot out of a cannon.
Do you see how she was trying to get you on there, Corey?
Yeah, we can. Yeah, I don't need HR issues here in our. In our little company. That was fun.
