A satirical YouTube news segment by Chris Collins ("Dirty Business News of the Week", June 30, 2018) delivering short, comedic takes on corporate and consumer-business stories. Topics in this chunk include Harley-Davidson moving operations to Europe, Chipotle's ongoing food-safety fallout and leadership change, Canada legalizing marijuana and Molson Coors brewing cannabis beers, an expensive Manhattan steak sandwich, Apple offering laptop keyboard repairs, a Supreme Court ruling favoring American Express, Amazon offering Prime discounts at Whole Foods, and a final commentary about business books and bestselling lists.
Foreign.
Welcome outlaws and dirty dogs to the dirty business News of the week Harley Davidson is moving to Europe. Contrary to reports, it's not to avoid tariffs that will be imposed by the eu. They just wanted to build motorcycles abroad for a semester or two. Maybe they'll find themselves and fall in love with the French guy. Chipotle is still facing backlash from over 500 cases of food poisoning last year. To turn things around, they hired away Taco Bell CEO Brian Nichol. He immediately closed 65 stores, which makes Taco Bell still very happy with his job performance. My advice would be to also implement a training program that teaches employees not to dip their toes in the black beans. Canada voted to legalize marijuana, and Molson Coors is going to start brewing beers with marijuana in them. The Target demo here Sorority girls with cataracts and lumberjacks with awesome playlists. Or anybody that likes their CBD oil with a side of piss. Canadians can drink. Don't mess that up. This looks great on paper, but it's going to look terrible on denim jackets because people are going to throw up. At this lower Manhattan restaurant that caters to stockbrokers, the first and only $185 steak sandwich in America will soon be on the menu. Interesting pricing strategy here. When you charge $185 for steak on white bread, do you cut the crust off for free? And how much do you charge for each French fry? And do you offer a loan program now? I like my fries well done. Can I refi the refried french fries with that $185? You could have fed 3.5 other stockbroker douchebags. Regular steak served appropriately. If you pay $185 for steak and eat it with bread, I hope your dad bangs your wife in front of your hedge fund. Apple said this week they would repair faulty keyboards for some laptops. I know how to do that and not cut into profits. Dip into the Fix my broken iPhone screen twice a year fund. I used to be a fan, but now Apple stores are the new dmv. Maybe that's Apple's new business plan. Trap everyone at the Genius Bar until they decide to buy a tablet. My advice would be that maybe the DMV sell tablets. The Supreme Court decided in favor of American Express last week. They said that merchants can encourage customers to use cards while without lower fees, which just protects the $90 billion credit card transaction business. Thank God that's safe. Don't we all go into business for the credit card transactions? It says it right on the Constitution. Every American deserves the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of American Express. Loyalty points. This month, Amazon started giving discounts at whole foods in 23 states to Amazon prime members. I appreciate the retention strategy, but Amazon feels like a cult. The good news is if you want to drink the Kool Aid, it's on sale at Whole Foods. Customers like to feel rewarded. But I wonder about a tipping point. Unless Amazon owns everything, will customers have to work too hard to connect the dots? How long till Amazon buys Facebook, puts us all in matching Nike decades and flies us to Planet Instaprime? You know what really chaps my hide? The number one book on the New York Times business best seller list is Measure what Matters by John Doerr. I don't know if that's true because most lists and polls that you see on the Internet were made up to manipulate you. If I wanted to control the way people think, the first thing I do is make fake polls. Do you know that 90% of the best selling book lists are editorialized? That's made up, but it's not not true. You know how many people I know with garages full of their own books that they bought in an effort to chart on the New York Times bestseller list just to be editorialized off the list in their own words? The New York Times bestseller list is an editorial product. What does that even mean? Listen, I want to be in charge of the list. The New York Times bestselling business books of the week on my list. Here's what I would do. Number five, Entertaining with the Sopranos as compiled by Carmela Soprano. Because you know, we miss the Sopranos and Carmela's a real person. Number four, Principles by Ray Dalio. It's a great book. Number three, and this is from 1969 and it's a paperback edition and you can only find it used. Eureka. A punter system for winning at roulette. Take that book to Vegas. Number two, Millionaire Success Habits by Dean Graziosi. And I'm not kidding, this book is great and it sold over half a million copies. And I don't know that it's been on the New York Times list. Now the number one drum roll please.
Maps of Meaning by Jordan Peterson. It's a dense book, it's a hard read, but he is our future messiah, so everybody should read his book.
That's it for dirty business news of the week. Try to clean yourself up and we'll see you next time.
