Kardashian Blow-up Dolls, Warhol Super Bowl Burger, Sex Work Hierarchy & the Dirty Business News

What time is it?

You know, dirty business news.

When are we gonna get done in Spanish?

It's coming. The pronunciation was a little off, which is weird because the girl actually speaks Spanish.

Ms. Diamond.

Oh, is this Chris?

This is. How are you?

I'm doing so, so, so good, but so much better now. I missed you.

Oh, wow. I missed you too then.

Yeah.

So, I know, I know we have some great news, but I have to tell you that I keep getting DMs and questions from people.

About what you look like. Well, let me say, first of all, they think that this is the best part of the show. So congrats to you. And I've had people tell me that they can't. They can't stop laughing, which this is. This is a sexual fetish, listeners. It's not comedy. Yeah, so I don't think they're laughing.

Funny about it.

They're laughing at me, which is humiliating in and of itself, which is another fetish. We're just checking off all the. All the fetishes. So the humiliation is. Is another fetish. But everybody keeps asking me, what does she look like? Like, well, what do.

What do you think I look like? Because we've never talked about that.

Yeah, I know. And so you have. I think that part of the fun here is maybe we don't show them a picture of what you look like, but you we could describe. So I'm going to guess that you're blonde.

Well, you'd be correct.

Okay, so you're blonde. And I'm going to guess your.

5. 5.

Oh, it's so close. So close.

Am I off by an inch?

Yeah, you're off by an inch.

Up or down makes a big difference.

You tell me. I can say.

We know how important every extra inch we can get is. Right.

Okay, what would be the other important measurables, then? Like, what is the. What is that? That old, like, thing that people would say, like, 30, like, 36, 24.

36.

Yeah. Where do you fall in that?

I need to stop you real quick. I need to stop you because I'm required to inform you that our rates have now increased to $15.99aminute. And I waited to tell you till right this second because your first 35 seconds are, in fact, free with this new rate.

Oh, nice. Wow. I feel like I'm ahead.

Yeah, got a little something there. So back to us. 35 or 36? 24. 36 was the old ideal. I'm pretty close, though.

Well, where are you?

I'm 34. I'm pretty tiny.

Now. Is 34 the bottom or the top?

That's the titty size, baby. That's the size around.

Then what's the size of the bottom? Because, you know, big bottoms are in fashion right now.

Yeah, but we all know body trends go in and out. Who wants to look like a Kardashian blow up doll anyway?

A lot of people on Instagram.

Oh, that's unfortunate for them. Who wants to look like a.

That's awesome. Well, I just, I want to compliment you that a lot of people are curious. So you're doing, you're doing a great job.

Well, I'll put it this way. I'm five foot six, I'm blonde, my body is perfection. I'm totally natural and I'm eager to please.

And so, listeners, this is who's reading the news. This is my fetish. Somebody smoking hot reading the business news. Nice and slow and sultry, but let's get into it. So what's our first headline?

Oh, yes. Okay, so here we go, big boy. Why Burger King showed Andy Warhol eating a burger in its super bowl commercial. Fast feeder burger king took 45 second gamble with original film of pop artists. You know, it's so funny, I saw a little piece of this and I actually thought it was an Andy Warhol look alike. I didn't know that was real.

Yeah, it's real in. Does it say it in the article? It was in a movie called like 66 Scenes from America or something like that. I knew it was real when I saw it because I've, I've watched that bit before just in awe of Andy Wall. You know, when it came on, what was funny is I wasn't sure if it was a Burger King commercial or a Heinz commercial because he, you know, he pours that Heinz ketchup on the, on the paper.

Definitely not a Heinz commercial with his inability to get it out. Right.

I just wax the F57, Andy, come on.

I, I think, and I don't know what you think, Diamond. I think that was the best commercial in the super bowl because I, I felt like a lot of them were preaching at me more than anything.

Like, well, it's like I'm happy to report I did not watch the super bowl or watch any of the ads.

Were you working? What were you doing?

I was masturbating.

You just set a couple hours aside on a Sunday to masturbate?

Oh, yeah. I mean, when you talk sex for a living and you get real dirty all the time, you get a little bit jaded. So it can take you a little longer for the self stimulation schedule. That and I knew I'd have some alone time.

Nice. Okay, well, that's. That's a good headline. I thought that that was a genius move by burger king. It's not. The. Those stupid commercials with the king running around like a chicken with his head cut off doing stupid stuff. It actually made you think, it made you stop and pay attention. I thought that that was the best commercial in the super bowl, personally, and.

I believe watching people eat burgers.

Well, for the reason you just stated, I would probably have to agree with you without having even seen the other one. So we're on the same page there, baby. Ready for the next one?

Yeah.

All right. Car dealer lots are flushed with unsold cars as sales are expected to drop. Analysts warn carmakers could be forced to cut factory production with u. S. Auto sales expected to weaken in 2019.

Wow, you did that so good.

I don't understand. Why would car sales be dropping? You know, public transportation back in style?

Well, Uber. So you got this perfect storm coming. You got Uber, you got people moving to the cities. So more and more people are moving to the cities. You got millennials and the younger kids that don't care about cars. They see cars as transportation, not an extension of their ego. So they don't care. They're not buying cars.

Well, let's be real. The cars nowadays are for pussies. Have you seen those smart cars? Have you seen a damn Prius? Who the hell would want to buy one of the lame ass things anyway?

I'm talking my language.

Than dying in a car accident. What's that, love?

I agree with you. I wouldn't drive a Prius ever. What kind of cars. What kind of car would you like to see somebody driving?

Say they were 6, 1, 42, 38. What would my measurements be?

Bearded?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm hoping you're not a 38 in the waist.

Yeah.

Chris, do we need to get you on a diet plan, baby? I can't be the only sexy one in this relationship.

No, I'm good.

Maybe you like that burger king commercial for a different reason.

I'm not eating whoppers for sure. You know what? I've been trying intermittent fasting. What do you think about that?

I think it is wonderful.

I have a lot more energy. For sure. But so do you understand the. The issue? So they think that car sales over the next few years will drop millions of units.

And so the car industry, like, that's why you see GM has closed some plants. They're in North America. It's going to be a harder time for manufacturers, which usually I just don't understand.

Do the millennials have that big of an influence? I mean, they're a bunch of bird brains. Like, who cares? What about people like bird brains who are growing up with values and actually want a new car every two years? That's leasing dead.

No, but they just talk to each other on Facebook. They don't. They're not like it was where you had to drive somewhere. They just meet on FaceTime.

They use those scooters.

Yeah.

Dude, I am so glad I wasn't born in the 2000s. This sounds like a nightmare.

It's a nightmare for a car company talking on Facebook.

Well, if. If car.

Don't you like to FaceTime.

It'S okay, but I'd rather actually meet you in the backseat of a car.

You know, diamond, like, nowadays, you might be able to increase your revenue by offering face timing for, like, say, 49.95aminute or something.

But don't you feel like not seeing me kind of keeps it more alluring?

Yeah, but at some point, I'm gonna have to see you, and our. Our viewers are gonna want to see you, and there might be an opportunity for a little payday there.

You know what? I'll consider it. But I really feel like there's a cast system with sex work, and I think, like, the cam girl is the bottom of the barrel.

Oh, really? There's a hierarchy in this. Okay, where do the strippers. Where do strippers in Vegas line up in the hierarchy?

Strippers in Vegas are pretty high up there. Oh, they can actually charge high dollar, and they actually look good. You know what I mean? If you're a dacious lunch buffet stripper anywhere, oh, baby, you might as well share a room with the cam girl. That's bad.

So what. What about a stripper in North Dakota?

Depends on the club and depends on her. I mean, there's a lot of factors that go into it, but if you want to talk general cast system, the. The cam girls are pretty down there.

Okay, so it goes. It goes dancing.

They're the serps of the kingdom.

By the way, a lot of strippers prefer to be called dancers. I don't know if you knew that.

Yeah, dancers, they can call themselves that.

I don't think she cares.

And then.

And then.

I mean, we all know what happens in the champagne room. They're not dancing. Let's be real.

Wow.

Rhythmic. Have you been in the champagne Room.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. But that's not what I do now. And I don't like to focus on the past. I like to focus on the here and the now. And right now, I'm talking to you. Okay, do you want to go on with the.

Yeah, read the next one.

All right. Prince Charles to unveil 100 million fund for women Empowerment. Oh, yeah. Britain's Prince of Wales is not who you'd expect financial market innovation to come from. Oh, yeah. But an effort to empower women in South Asia using elements of venture capital, funding, and option contracts is shaping hyping up under his patronage. Oh, yeah, baby.

Nice.

What do you think of that?

Well, first of all, I love your delivery more than the. Than the headline. You made that headline sound good. But if I understand this right, that's your fetish, baby. He's giving. He's. He's putting 100 million aside to invest in female businesses in Asia.

Here's what I don't understand. And yes, I. I got that as well, Chris, but why don't these people who rule their own countries focus on their own countries?

Well, because they probably have a flag in that country. That's the thing that England used to do, is they used to show up and they'd be like, hey, we put our flag here, so now you got to pay us. And then Canada was like, okay, we'll pay you. And now when you buy something in Canada, the queen gets a little something something. And when you pay taxes, she gets a little something something. We throw them. All right, I throw them out. Right? We're stubborn that way, but they. That's.

Well, let me. Let me. Let me continue this. This is a long headline. This is just the headline. Prince Charles, who is 70, will unveil on Tuesday a 100 million fund that will channel bond investors money to give half a million women and girls access to better education, jobs, and entrepreneurial. Oh, Upper Tuna, please. Oh, God. Over the next five years. Oh, my God. I don't know if I can read the rest. It's too big.

Oh, Chris.

Oh, diamond, you're so good at this. I love it that you get so excited. You're, like, beeping the phone. She's, like, accidentally hitting the. Wow. I feel like I need to hear that.

I mean, oh, baby, I feel like, you know, that sound really helps, chewing.

On it while you're on the phone.

Ah.

It'S getting awkward. Diamond, there's a bunch of dudes in here. I wish it was just me and you.

Well, maybe next time you should Take this call to the bathroom.

I mean, does the mic go in there? That's what Jacob wants. I'm already a pain in his ass and I'm like, hey, we need to set up a camera and a microphone in the bathroom.

Oh, who's Jacob? Do we want to do a three way? That's only 29.99 an hour.

He's shy, Jacob. He wouldn't want that.

We're at $223.

Okay, well, we'll break him in eventually. Always do.

Okay, so God save the queen and good job Prince Charles for starting that fund. The one thing I would say diamond about that is the way that I understand it, although I haven't read the article, is he could make that 100 million back because it's venture capital money.

So he's investing in women, which is a smart investment, who are entrepreneurial. So he's giving them business loans and then they repay those loans. Or he could get equity. If it's venture capital, usually you get equity in those companies. So he's investing in female entrepreneurs and a part of that, which is great. And I bet you he makes his money. He's not losing.

I mean, he's not really doing anything altruistic at all. It says he's funding this, but what you're saying is he's investing to get a return. Screw this guy. What a dick.

No. Why? Why? It's. There's a lot of female entrepreneurs out there that could use that investment.

It's great because I'm sure.

Just think if you wanted to expand the money, if you were in Asia and you wanted to expand your business here, you could get a loan from him and then expand and you could have like, you know, hundreds of people doing this.

Yeah, but then maybe I'd be beholden to him in some way. I've had relationships like this with men before. It never works out. Just give me the gift, you know? Just give me the gift.

You. You're beholden to them.

Yeah, man.

Oh, that's all right.

I know.

Had to move on.

Had to break up. I don't know. This rubs me the is that like.

When girls are afraid to let a guy buy him dinner because then they feel like they have to sleep with them after?

Yeah, something like that. But it can get a lot worse. I mean, you can end up in a cage with a collar around your neck licking feet for a month.

I mean, what's wrong with that?

It gets weird.

That's not sleeping with them. That's just merely like having A little fun.

I love your naive perspective. It's so cute. Oh, God, how I just want to.

Now, wait. In this scenario, who's in the collar, in the cage, me or you?

That depends.

Okay, what's the next?

All right, let's move on. I'm over Prince Charles. He's a douche. Okay. Crypto CEO dies. Oh, my God. Holding the only password that can unlock millions. I mean, I hate to look, laugh, but.

Okay. Quadrica CX can't retrieve about $190 million of Bitcoin, Litecoin, ether. Oh, God. And other digital tokens held for its customers. I mean, that is up. Oh, pardon my French.

I wonder if they tried password1 or password oh, one. Wouldn't it be funny if that was it? Is it. It's 190 million, right? I read that article. Is it 190 million? That's held up in crypto, dude.

I mean, I have my own opinions on, like, cryptocurrency, and there's a reason I never got involved, but I don't know.

What's the reason?

Your thoughts, Chris? I think it's a psyop.

What's that?

That's a person with one eye.

Psychological operation funded by the CIA.

I don't know. I know that people on Instagram DM me all the time, and they say I could make a lot of money in cryptocurrency if I just would get on a call with them, but I haven't had time. But I'm sure they're not lying. Nobody lies on Instagram.

Well.

Now they don't even have access to their funds, though. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather have, like, 20,000 in my hands and 190 million in the ether. Right. And.

Yeah, or bury it in your mattress. Like, I had a. You know, I had a boss diamond once, that when he passed away, he had over $1 million in his mattress.

I mean, that's how. That's how to roll.

That's better than looking for a password, right?

Right. I mean, this is. I wonder how he died. I wonder if this was one of those, like, you know. Well, I don't want to go that morbid, but sometimes, you know, I was thinking, like, little autoerotic asphyxiation doorknob scar.

Have you ever done. I always think that that's, like, the funniest way to die. Like, it's.

I mean, you're gonna go out. Go out with a.

That's. That's how people are always gonna remember you. It wasn't it's not like, oh, the Chris Collins guy that fixed a lot of businesses or the business whisper. It's like Chris Collins, the guy that was found in his closet swinging on a rope with his pants down.

Norm MacDonald has a good bit about that.

Chris, are you suggesting that you're into that?

No, I've never tried that. I don't know that I like not being able to breathe, but I do. I do know. I do know a family whose son died that way did a bunch of blow and ended up with some girl in a hotel somewhere. And he. He, He. He passed away like that.

Being choked out?

Well, yeah, he's like a belt or something. Over. Over a beam. It's weird. I don't get it.

Jesus.

Have you ever tried it?

I don't know if I buy that. No.

Okay, one of us needs to try it before we have an opinion, so I vote.

Here's the thing.

Tell me how it works.

There's no difference between choking yourself and being choked by someone else, right? So what I'm saying is, if that guy was found in a hotel room with a girl and he was choking himself, something seems a little fishy to me.

Yeah, I just think they were all coked up and, like, out of their mind.

Maybe, Maybe, maybe.

Haven't you ever been coked up and out of your mind?

Absolutely. I am right now.

Yeah.

With these.

I think I do all these calls back to back.

Chris, would you believe me that I've never tried that?

Oh, daddy, we gotta light you up.

Never a good boy. Okay, what's the next time you come.

Next time you come to my part of town, we're gonna. We're gonna hook that up. I got the good.

We're get some rope and a beam and some blow.

I hear it's about.

Would be epic. I would love to do that. Maybe we could make it into a segment.

Yeah, I hear it's really about the belt selection.

All right, Ready for another one or are we out of time?

Do one more.

Okay. Do you want online groceries or do you want Toys R Us workers?

Oh, man, that's hard. Which. Which headline can be sexier, do you think?

Well, I can make anything sexy.

Do toys.

Let's be real. Okay? Toys are Us workers are training Sears workers to fight for severance. Oh, God. Why, Chris? Why would they do that?

Dirty ball. Because Toys R Us went bankrupt, and now Sears is going bankrupt, and the bankrupt employees from Toys R Us are giving advice to the bankrupt employees from Sears. It's dirty.

Oh, I was Thinking they could just file for unemployment.

Yeah, I don't know. What. What are they. Does the article say what they're filing, what they're filing for? I don't know.

I don't have a ton of bankruptcies, liquidating stores.

Like, why they're. Why they're closing down, why they're giving each other advice.

Why they're giving each other advice. Yeah.

It says they're losing medical insurance, their home.

Yeah.

Oh, God, this is way worse than.

I thought Sears had, like. I think they're down to 60,000 employees or something. But it's still a lot of people. It's sad.

That is horrible. And who knew that Toys R Us was gone? I mean, where are all those poor children gonna get their sex toys from? That's. I had no idea the King of.

England or the Prince of England is gonna send them.

That's right.

Start a fund.

That's right. He's empowering South Asian women right now.

Sex toys for the unemployed.

Have you ever been to it?

I mean, everyone has a right to get off. Maybe we could start that campaign. We start donating sex toys to those in need. Chris, Wait.

Diamond, are you under the impression that Toys R Us sells sex toys?

Well, Toys are us. Toys are Us.

They're actually. They went out of business selling GI Joes and bikes and dolls and stuff to little kids.

They probably would still be in business if they were. Yeah, they would still be in business if they sold sex toys, I bet.

Oh, I didn't even know they went out of business. I just know it looked hokey from the outside, so I never went in. I'll stick to the online. The online private shopping.

I don't belong.

Well, Ms. Diamond, you are lovely. You did a great job today. I want to thank you.

Well, I want to thank you. You're now the highlight of my week. And let all your listeners know if they have any questions for me, I'd happily field them through you. And, yeah, I am a sight for sore eyes, that's for sure.

Yeah. If any of your clients need business advice, please, after they're done, and of course, they've paid and everything, please send them our way.

I'm not gonna lie, Chris. You're the only one I talk business with. Everyone else just.

Oh, yeah, I'm the only one with no fetish.

But it's an interesting fetish, right?

It is, and I like it. It's different. And it really brings joy to my weekend. Makes my panties wet. So I look forward to it, my love.

Thank you so much. We'll talk again next week. Thanks, Simon.

Have a good one. Keep it hot for me.