Nikki DeLoach's Son Chose Her... 3 Years Before He Was Born

Did you always want kids?

I honestly, I didn't know if I wanted kids because of all that I had gone through as a kid. Would I be a good mother? And then something came over me when I was 33, and I could feel this little bean, this soul floating around me. And I knew it belonged to me. And, well, belonged it. I was supposed to help bring this soul into the world. And I really, like.

You feel like you felt the soul's like, you gotta let me in.

Oh, yeah, well. So here's another thing. Whenever I was a kid, I communicated with the other side all the time. They were just in my bedroom and everywhere I went. And then when I was 10, people on the other side who had passed away, then.

What are you talking to them about?

Life stories. For me, specifically, One day it won't be like this, you know, they would.

Say, that's right, you won't.

Yeah, like, you know, I know it's scary right now, but one day it won't be like this. Conversations about what it felt like to be on the other side, that was so much of my childhood. And then when this one incident happened to me at 10, it just went away. Just went away. Until one day, I'm 33, and I'm like, I feel this energy, this soul around me. And I just kept sitting with it, sitting with it. And I was like, I think it's supposed to be my baby. And then I could not. All of a sudden, the feeling that I got in my body of becoming a mother, it's all I wanted. It went from I don't know if I can do this to I still don't know if I can do this, but I want it so badly. And Hudson, who's 11 now, I had him at 34. And I just can't imagine my life without my kids. They're the greatest decisions I've ever made.

So you're pregnant and you feel like something's wrong?

So Hudson was my first and then my second.

With your second, did you feel the same thing? Let me in.

Yep.

Really?

He came to me in a dream.

Just. Just. Oh, okay. Tell me that.

He came to me in a dream. Hudson was not even a month old, and he was in a little bassinet next to. Cause I would wake up and breastfeed and put him back down.

And what was the connection with him in reference to you having a sense that he was meant to come into the world? Like, how. How was that relationship like when you first saw him? What. What went through your head when I.

First saw him, like, when I first held him in my arms.

Yeah. Just for me. It's fascinating that you had this feeling that there's a soul.

Yeah.

That is waiting for you to let them into the world and then you.

I felt so honored that he chose me.

You feel like he chose you?

Yeah, I do.

How does that work?

I don't know. I don't know, but I feel like he chose me. And it's so interesting. I had never shared that with him specifically. And then one night he was having. I was away doing a movie. I usually have to leave to do movies and then come back. And my oldest was really struggling with my husband at the time, and they were just butting heads and really struggling. And he was so upset and he had FaceTimed me. And, you know, he said, like, oh, sometimes I just wish that it was just you and me, that dad wasn't here. And I was like, well, buddy, you know, you're just frustrated right now because you two are butting heads and you're going to figure it out. And this is part of parenting and we don't know everything and we're learning too, and all the things. And he said, yeah, but I chose you. I didn't choose him.

Wow.

And I said, what do you mean? And he goes, when I wanted to be born, I chose you. And I would choose you every time. And I just went, wow, that's fascinating. And I mean, now my husband and my 11 year old are in a great, great, great place. You know, it's parenthood. And it's harder, I think, for like a mother to parent daughters and men to parent sons as it is the opposite sex, because my boys think I'm the greatest thing in the world. And yet they fight. You know, I just think it's the nature of it all. But he said that. And I said, you know what's so interesting? When before I got pregnant, I could feel you, and the first thing when you were born and you were in my arms, that I thought was, I'm so honored and lucky that you chose me that I get to be your mom. And he goes, you thought that? And I was like, it was the first thing I thought. And so it kind of wrapped around in this interesting way. And then Bennett, you know, when Hudson was in his little crib and next.

To the bed, you feel another knock, knock.

Well, I was dreaming. And in my dream, I. You know, it was just so all of these colors and they were moving and it was so beautiful and it was just getting bigger and you know when you dream, it's, like, it up the whole, like, everything from right to left. And I tried to reach out and touch it in my dream, and I couldn't touch it. And then finally, I asked it. I said, what are you? You're so beautiful. And then in my dream, this energy said, my name is Bennett. I am your son. I am going to change your life. And I went like. You know, like in the movies, you see people wake up from, like, the dreams. I did that. And then my husband woke, and he was like, is it okay? Is it the baby? Is it the baby? I was like, no. I just. I had the craziest dream. It was this beautiful light, and it said that its name was Bennett and that it was my son. And he was like, you're pregnant. How could you be pregnant? We haven't even had sex. And I was like, no, I don't think I'm pregnant. I don't know. And three years later, I get pregnant. And I was like, there you are.

So you had the name?

Had the name, yeah. And, boy, did he change my life. Yeah.

And so when you're pregnant with him, you just have a sense.

You mean about the heart? I didn't. About that. I actually. It wasn't until we went in to get the 40 echocardiogram, which allows you to really see everything. And the technician. I just started shaking as she was, like, doing the echocardiogram, the fetal echocardiogram. And I started shaking and getting, like, having a visceral reaction to the experience. And Ryan was like, are you okay? And I was like, I didn't want to say anything while she was in the room. And then she got up and she left. And I was like, something's wrong. And he was like, nikki, everything's okay. Everything. I was like, no, something's wrong. Something's wrong. Something. I think something's wrong with the heart. And he was like, nothing is wrong. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. And sure enough, the doctor came in and said that Bennett had multiple congenital heart defects, and without immediate intervention, he wouldn't survive.

So how many months along are you at that point?

I'm five.

Five.

And I was lucky that I knew.

So did they induce labor?

So we did have to induce a week early so that he could get on this specific surgeon, Dr. Von Starns at Children's Hospital Los Angeles, world renowned pediatric heart surgeon. He's got, like, four heart procedures named after him. I mean, he's brilliant. And he was the only one that knew how to fix Bennett's heart. And so whatever his timetable was for it, we needed to make sure that that happened. And so we induced a week early and then went over to Children's Hospital Los Angeles. And then at five days old, he survived. They wanted him to survive as long as he could for the lungs and for everything to fully develop as much as it could. And then he lasted about four days. And on the fifth day, we went into his first open heart surgery.

Man, this is way more intense in the sense that. So you have this dream.

Yes.

You've already. You met him three years earlier.

I've met him.

He chose you.

That's right.

And then something goes wrong.

Yes.

And now you're Mama Bear. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

So, yeah, I mean, that has to be. I mean, I don't even know how to put that into words.

Yeah, same. You know, I'm just really beginning to fully. Like, when I went into trauma therapy in 2023, I thought it was to deal with Bennett and my dad, because in that same week, I got the diagnosis about Bennett. I also got the diagnosis of my dad, who was so young at the time that he had Pick's disease, which is a very rare and aggressive form of dementia. And so I knew my dad was gonna die, and it was going. And our time was limited. What I didn't know is if my son would also make it. And so that week changed that. It's like everything that became. It's like before Christ to after Christ. Right. But, like, that week changed everything for me. And so I honestly. So when I went into the trauma therapy, I thought I was dealing with that, but I was really dealing with the stuff as a child. I ended up having to start there. So the processing of what went down with Bennett and my dad through those years, I'm just now starting to unravel, because you know what? And I tell people this all the time when they're in recovery or when they're healing or whatever it is. Your body will tell you when you're ready. My body was not ready to be in the place of working through this stuff because it was still trying to keep Bennett alive. So one of the crazy things that happened to me whenever I was in therapy, and I don't know if you've ever heard of emdr, so it's essentially a way that you put these paddles that pulsate in your hand, and you follow this light. And what it does is keeps neural pathways open so you can essentially rewire them because they get stuck. And so people Often are like, I don't know why I can't get past or get through or stop thinking this or whatever. Well, you're wired a certain way, and 75% of our wiring is done by the age of three. Right. Well before we even have often, memories of that time. And so you're really trying to rewire parts of your brain in terms of trauma. And so for me, I was able to go back to these moments in a way that kept me out of fight or flight, and almost as if I was inside of them as an observer.

You could disassociate.

So I could disassociate. And the first moment that we had the first heart surgery, and nobody prepares you for this, and he's this tiny. You know, he's on this giant medical bed, and you're in this hallway that is so quiet that you could literally hear a pin drop. And the medical team is standing around, and you essentially have to say goodbye to your child. Right. Because you don't know if they're coming out. I was not prepared for that emotionally. I prepare parents now. But I went back to that moment, and then my grandfather appeared as I'm, like, going back, and my grandfather, who was a big part of my life and also Bennett, was born on his birthday. And my grandfather says to me. I said to my therapist, I was like, my grandfather's here. And he's like, well, does he want to say anything? And my grandfather says to me, you see that kid over there? It's not an accident that that kid was born on my birthday, because that kid is made of the same piss and vinegar that I'm made out of. And I said, well, I know that, Papa. And he goes, I think you've forgotten, because he left this hospital victorious, and you're stuck in this hallway as if he never left. And I was like, I'm treating him as if he is still a child that is sick fighting for his life in a hospital, and he's a thriving child. Like, what am I doing to my. And so, you know, I have recently started to really begin to work on all of that stuff because my child didn't fight that hard for me to hover over him all the time and to, you know, to control everything. That child fought to have a life.

Yeah. And just to get. To give it context. So when you go through what you went through as a kid.

Exactly.

You want to control things.

And so nothing bad happens.

And a mother that controls things can keep a kid from developing on his own.

That's correct. That's correct.

Is that what the charm represents?

Oh, the bracelet, yeah. Okay, so thank you for asking me. This charm. It's a paperclip bracelet with a heart charm dangling from it. And the design of it is very purposeful because it's delicate but strong at the same time. Just like the heart is very delicate and it's very fragile, but at the same time, it's incredibly strong. And it's called the Benny, named after Bennett. And it is raising money for Children's Hospital Los Angeles. And all the proceeds of the bracelet go towards the hospital, which, you know, saved my son's life. But also it is a safety net hospital, which means we turn no family away, regardless of their financial situation. So part of my job at the hospital is we raise money that not only helps for research and innovation, you know, for Dr. Von Starns to perform a surgery on my son that has never been done before. Right. He was able to wire him. He had four congenital heart defects, and normally that would take two separate surgeries. And he figured out how to do it in one, which obviously is so much better for the child not to have to undergo tubes back to back heart surgeries. And then he published that data and then sent it out to hospitals all over the world so that other surgeons can know how to fix a heart like Bennett's, you know, because other children do have what Bennett had, but they now know how to do it in one surgery. So the research and innovation, making sure that all children have access to healthcare, because as Glennon says in this book, and it's something I repeat all the time, there is no such thing as other people's children. Truly no such thing as other people's children. What can happen to that child can happen to my child. What can happen to my child can happen to that child. And I would. I just could imagine. We were lucky we had health insurance. I like being a mom and a dad who doesn't have the health insurance and the finances to be able to save their child's life. There should never be a situation where parents end up like that. And so Children's Hospital Los Angeles, we see about a million kids a year. And it's such an honor to be able to work at a place where they also see that there's no such thing as other people's children. So all the proceeds of the bracelet, please go buy the. Please go buy people for your loved one.

Get that or to donate. Where would they go?

Well, if you want to get the bracelet, you can go to my Instagram. Nikdeloach N I K D E L O A C H There's a link in my bio that will take you to the site to purchase it. And then if you just want to make a donation to Children's Hospital Los Angeles, you can go on the website and there's a place where you can donate.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.