Road Dawgs, Holding The Keys, Buck Rodgers Time, And The Dirty Business News

Foreign.

Miss diamond is on.

Hi. How are you, darling? Oh, good. I'm so good. It's so good to hear your voice.

I would like to inform you that the rate is now 15.99. If you approve, please hold your holding. And not saying anything is consent to the raise in price. Okay, good.

Hey, I'm paying you now.

Yes, that's how it works.

Oh, I don't think so. No, no, no, no, no. Not happening, mister.

We are. We are very hard trying to get the fetish of Diamond's dirty business news listed on FetLife as a fetish.

Well, love that. But you're joking about the fee, right?

Yeah, yeah. How would we. How would we turn that? How would we turn that on? You.

You just hit $15.

Wait, wait, who's. Who's that?

That's Tim, the producer extraordinaire.

Oh, so I get two of you now? Well, just so you know, I am required to inform you that not only do we have a rate increase of 16.99aminute, but. Knew it. Knew it. Once it goes up in extra, extra.

Oh, he'll shut up. He won't say anything.

Yeah, I'm not into sword fighting.

I will say, though, you know, if we do go a full 20. Go ahead.

Oh, no, go ahead.

I was gonna say if we take it to a full 20 minutes, you get 5% off.

Oh, wow. Okay. I think.

You and I have hit 20 minutes together before.

Can you last that long?

I can. I'm excited. We have some good. There's some good business news out there today, Timothy. You know the. The last caller, Diamond. Her sexual fetish was threesomes.

Wait, wait, wait. You're taking calls now in my domain? I thought you were a business show.

Yeah, see how. See how a riot goes so quick?

Wow, this is fascinating. So now I get two guys at once. You're taking calls on sex fetishes and I'm reading the headlines. This is so weird.

Okay, what do we have in the news today?

All right, well, there's some really interesting news, and it's kind of off brand, I feel, when it comes to business, but I'm going to read you the top headlines that I found, and you tell me if you want me to continue or not. So the first one, it's on the Wall Street Journal, but the. The source is entrepreneur.com. because you've taught me to now do my research on where things actually stem from. So the first headline. Are you ready, baby?

I'm ready. Okay, let me get comfortable.

Okay, let me start over. Then.

Lean back. Breathe into it with me. Ready?

I'll take your silence as a yes. Okay, 13 prison slang term you should use with your co workers.

Kinky. Yeah, I think I kind of want to go through them with you. I haven't looked at these, so let's scroll, scroll, scroll. Should we give this some context or just get right into them?

What context do we need? 13 Prison slang terms you should use in the workplace with your co workers. This. It's approved by every HR department.

You had me at prison.

Yeah. You had me in prison.

Okay.

I don't know who's who now, and I really like that. Okay, number one. Buck Rogers time. Do you know what that means, baby?

No. Tell me.

Well, in prison, this is used to mean that your release date is so far into the distant future that it doesn't even feel real. So if you work one of those nine to five where Friday feels like an eternity and even your one hour cubicle bound lunch break seems distant, then you're living Buck Rogers time.

I like it. Okay, that's great.

All right, number two. Cowboy.

Okay, this could go a whole lot of ways. It's in prison, so I'm thinking. Oh, no. Okay, spell cowboy backward. What is it? Y, O, B, W, O, C. Yeah, apparently this is an acronym for young obnoxious bastard. We often con. Basically, that translates to your unpaid intern. Do you have interns over there?

No, I've never been a fan of interns because I feel bad them working so hard for families.

Would you consider. Would you consider Tim your cowboy?

No, I wouldn't.

Please don't.

Okay. Would Tim consider you his cowboy?

He better not. No.

All right.

He's more my three.

I think I like this one.

What does that mean?

I don't know. It's not a prison slang.

That's not a prison term.

But does sound very gay, Just FYI. Okay, number three is ear hustling. I almost feel like that's a little bit of what I do. Okay, ear hustling. We all have that gossipy, nosy co worker who spends more time listening in on your phone calls and butting into the Monday morning conversations you have with your work friends. He is ear hustling, which in prison means eavesdropping without permission.

Wow. Even so, there are a lot of commonalities between prison and the workplace, because that happens a lot. I have some ear hustlers in my office that would rather not be left out of the gossip than actually just get work done. They spend more time being worried about being left out than just working.

I have a feeling, though, just because I feel like I know your personality pretty well, that you're not too much of a gossip. You're probably actually discussing work related items.

Yeah, I usually ignore gossip.

Okay, number four, dry snitching. I don't know yet, but this sounds super painful.

Oh, God, I just went dry. Okay, snitching.

I'm afraid to read this.

Chris, don't be afraid.

Okay, here we go.

I got you.

In prison, dry snitching means to snitch indirectly. Oh, thank God. By talking in an excessively loud voice or drawing attention from the guards or offering some information, but no name. Dry snitching is snitching for cowards instead of just telling on you outright. A dry snitcher in the workplace speaks loud enough so that your boss or supervisor can hear what he or she was going to tell on you for and gets you in trouble anyway.

Snitches in prison, snitches in the workplace, same thing.

Snitches and stitches, baby.

That's right.

All right, number five. Okay. Oh, gee, I didn't know this was a prison thing. I thought this was a gang thing. But you know what an OG is, right?

Yeah, Original gangster.

That's right, baby. So og an original gangster in prison. This is a respectful term for someone who's been in the joint for a long time in the work world. This is someone who's been with your startup for more than three months.

For more than three.

I don't know if that considers that's.

A life sentence in some startups. Some startups. I mean, you're working 24 hours a day sometimes in a startup. Yeah. You're OG three months. Wow.

All right.

I guess that would make me an og.

Yeah. Original gangster Chris. I like that. All right, number six is a road dog. All right, now where I'm from, a road dog or a roadie is like when you take a bunch of like a tall can in your car with you. But let's see what it means in prison. So this is your homie. It's the guy you walk with during rec, who you share your commissary with, and the guy who has your back in a riot. Oh, I was like, I want one of these. He's the one who doesn't rat on you for staring at Internet memes all day. So, Chris, who's your road dog?

You are, Diamond. You're my road dog.

I'll take that, baby. I'll take that. I like that. Number seven. Is wolf ticket. Wolf like the animal. Okay, let's see what this says. When an inmate sells wolf tickets, he's talking shit without being backing anything up. He's just selling wolf tickets. Same thing in the office. This is a co worker who says he'll close the client or make the next big deal, but spends his day scrolling through Facebook because he's doing quote unquote market research.

I know a few people like that.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah.

There are some real commonalities between prison and the workplace.

I guess so. All right, Number eight is a bug in prison. This is an untrustworthy or unreliable prison staff member. You don't want to get too close to a bug, they're untrustworthy, and don't have your back for a second. This is that person in the office who always looks through the stall door to see if you're texting in the bathroom and then turns you in for it. That sounds like a.

Nobody should be looking through the stall.

Door to see if you're texting.

That sounds.

I got. I don't know that I have. I don't know that I have an employee that doesn't text all day.

Maybe I need to get one of those. What are those called again?

A bug.

Maybe I need a bug just walking around, making sure people are working and not texting.

I don't know. The bug is the. Is the untrustworthy person. So I think you need an actual spy.

Maybe I could do that.

Says my road dog. No, you're my road dog.

Yeah, I got your back, boo. All right, number nine is a celly. So in prison, this is not a phone. This is the person you share your cell with. Your actual prison cell. This could be kind of sexy. At work, it's the guy or girl in the cubicle next door. They share your pain. You commiserate. When work gets tough and your boss keeps threatening to take your stapler.

That'S your Sully. Hey, Sully. How are you doing today?

Yeah, I guess you do need someone to share your pain with. But, I mean, I watch a lot of movies and TV about prison, and I just feel like. Don't. Isn't there a lot of conflict with the celli? Like, they try to do things to you while you're sleeping or. I don't know.

I've. I've heard that that is the case. Yeah. Sometimes they try to make you their wife.

Yeah. Can I ask you a personal question, Chris?

Sure.

Have you ever been to prison?

No.

Have you ever been to jail?

Nope.

Holding Sale.

Have you ever been to jail?

I mean, just like overnight, you know, they let you go the next day, like drunk in public or something silly like solicitation, but nothing is like hardcore.

When you were in jail, did you make it to second base with anybody?

No.

Your silence says yes.

No, I had to think about.

Should I have said third base? Did you make it to third base with anybody? What about a base clearing home run? In jail, did you have a base clearing home run?

No, those. Those kanks are pretty dirty. I'm really.

What do you think they were saying about you.

Dude?

I was the baddest in that joint. Okay, let's.

Did you get in a prison fight?

No. I mean, someone did throw an apple at my head once, but I think they were coming down off meth, so I'm not sure.

Oh yeah, there's that too, right? I was arrested once when I was 16. Everybody that I was with ran except for me and one other guy. We were idiots. Like, I don't know, it was junior high, ninth grade graduation or something. Maybe it was 15.

We had this guy who was in his 40s, but he was mentally disabled. But he would buy us beer and so we all pitched him. We got a case of Corona. We hiked down to this place called Black Creek. We're all sitting on the bridge and then I look up and there's cops on both sides of the trail going out. So I'm like, oh, 40 year old weirdo with you? Yeah, he got in a lot of trouble for buying a spear. That was not. Yeah, I felt bad. So my other friends ran down the creek. They thought like they were. They Makes total sense. But by the way, nobody got away. But I didn't. I didn't run. And being Irish and having half my family in the fire department and the other half in the police department, they. They had a pretty good time with me. So the cop that arrested me handcuffed me. He told me, wait till you get to jail if you ever. Have you ever been asked raped? He said all this stuff. I'm not kidding. Like I'm. I'm 15 or 16 in the back of this cop car, handcuffed. I, like, I could have cried. Yeah. And then, you know, and then at some point, after an hour of being in the back of the car and they're chasing all my friends through the woods or whatever, they. He comes back and he says, you're Dick's kid, right? He's not. That was my grandpa. His name wasn't Dick. His name was Richard. But I don't know, back then people called people named Richard Dick. I never understood that either. And you know, my uncle was. My uncle's name was Dick too. So you had. So when people would call, they would call my grandpa's house and they would say, is Dick there? I would say little Dick or Big Dick, Like I was five saying that. Which is, which is.

By the way, I'm starting to think with all this dick talk, we should charge her.

Yeah, we should.

I'm. I'm wondering though, like, where this story's going, because we were talking about prison and now you're talking about like your relatives names and you answering the phone as a child.

This story is about, it's about white privilege, Diamond. This is what the story is about, white privilege.

Here we go.

Okay, so break it down. So after sitting in the back of the car, him asking me if I've ever been to jail, if I've ever been raped, the whole thing, he comes and he says, you're a dick's kid. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, you. Yeah, I know. And then he let me go. And then I got more trouble for my grandpa. But I never went to jail and I was never actually arrested. They just tried to scare me, which is, is white privilege because I came from an Irish family with a lot of connections there. And.

Ah. So I'm curious where this was because I thought you lived in la. There's not too many backcountry woods in la. Washington.

It was Washington.

Washington state got here. Well, I will say, in the event you ever are taken to jail overnight or a holding cell, none of the ass rape or anything like that happens there, that's when you're actually incarcerated and doing hard time, just FYI. So have no fear.

Okay, good. You put my mind at ease.

Good. That's what I'm here for, babe.

What, what, what are the chances though, I end up in jail? Like, what am I doing that I would go to jail? Like, why am I. Did you go to jail? I'm so curious.

Was it for saying something inappropriate?

Oh, I always say something inappropriate. But no, like I've gotten picked up for solicitation, which completely. Those charges were dropped because they couldn't prove anything. Yeah, little dui, you know, nothing major.

You're trying to make a little extra money.

I mean, the charges were dropped, like I said.

Can I ask a question?

You said you cost extra whenever you talk.

By the way, I'll pay, It's fine.

Tim.

Is this Tim?

Yes, Tim. You said that you were in overnight, but you determined you were the baddest bitch in jail. Were you really there overnight or was it longer? I feel like that would take a while to know.

The hierarchy in jail hierarchies, it takes.

Time to figure that out.

I think that diamond just has a certain confidence. She has a certain way she carries herself. She's the bad bitch in every room she's in.

Female. That's the point. Yeah. It's like you can just tell by scanning the room whether it's a bar, whether it's a Starbucks, whether it's, you know, a prison cell, who the baddest bitch.

You definitely are the baddest bitch in any Starbucks, I'll give you that. Okay, what's the next. Can we go on to recap for everybody? We gotta tell people the. The name of this. So the title of this is prison terms that you should use prison slang terms you should use in the workplace. Did I get.

Yeah. So far we have Buck Rogers time, Cowboy ear hustling, Dry snitching, OG Road, Dog Wolf tickets, Bug and Selly. And the next is fresh fish. Oh, I remember this from Shawshank Redemption. This is in prison. New inmates at your workplace. The recent college grad with no work experience. Did you do any hazing to the new guys?

I support it, but, you know, I don't really. I'm not usually spending a lot of time with the new guys.

Number 11, hold the keys.

I know this.

Whoever holds the keys. You do?

Yeah, because my cousin is a. Is a prison warden, and he told me all about this. Yeah.

Why aren't you telling me what all this means?

Well, hold the keys is fascinating. It really is fascinating. But read. Read what? The description is there.

Whoever holds the keys is the shot caller for that prison yard at your office. It could be the janitor who literally holds the keys, or it could be the IT guy, because, let's be real, he has all of your emails and there go controls your life.

That's a genius.

Is that accurate?

Yeah. So what my cousin told me is the. The person that holds the keys kind of like runs that gang. And like, so say the Latinos or the Aryans or whatever it is, there's somebody who holds the keys, and they're the ones that make the calls and kind of control their population. And so a lot of times, instead of, like, going directly at the people, they will go to the person that holds the keys, and they will keep everybody in line. And so it's a. You know, you're the Leader of. Of that gang, I guess.

How do you acquire such keys? Like, is it something you come into Joe with, or is it something that gets passed on like a baton in a relay race?

I don't know. I don't know that part.

Well, we might need to do a little homework and circle back to this next time you reconnect on the phone. Yeah, I'd love to know how to. How to hold the keys. All right. Number 12, house mouse. Oh, this sounds real kinky. Okay, in prison, this is the inmate. Oh, no, this isn't kinky at all. Who maintains communication between prisoners and the deputies at work. It's your supervisor and general manager. Call him a glorified house mouse with a higher paycheck than you. So it's basically a little bitch that runs around telling people stuff. I mean, I don't know. Sounds similar to the bug, I think. Okay, last and final. The juice card. Oh, I like this one. Okay. Holding a juice card in prison means that you can get out of some real trouble. It means you have some sort of influence with guards or even other prisoners. This works in the office, too. It might be that you're tight with the CEO and your boss knows it. Or you could have a juice card because you're legitimately a good employee who actually knows how to work and you earn respect the old fashioned way. So it's basically someone with carte blanche, maybe? Is that what they're saying?

Yeah. It's funny how. How close to the real workplace this is.

Yeah, this is super interesting. I really think the only slang terms from prison that I ever knew were, like, pruno, which is like alcohol you make in your toilet, and like, a shiv, which is like, you know, some sort of, like, I don't know, knife you make out of something.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. When you were in county, you made alcohol in your toilet in one day. You opened your own. Your own distillery.

No, no, no. I didn't say I made it. I said that was one of the terms that I knew. Just because I haven't been incarcerated doesn't mean I don't know people who have been.

That had to be nasty.

I mean, you got to do what you got to do, right?

Well, I don't know. There's. For one day, go without a drink.

You know, every once in a while, I do this trick on myself. You could try it. Like, I'll go, like, two weeks without a drink just to prove to myself that I don't have a problem.

Oh, okay. All right. Typically, if you don't have a problem. You don't have to try to prove it.

By the way, I'm required to tell you We've hit 20 minutes. I need that 5% back applied.

Yeah, oh absolutely. It'll automatically be charged back to your card on file.

Wow.

So does that mean we need to go?

No.

I didn't realize 20 minutes blew so quickly.

How many more are left on the list?

I mean, I could go on forever. How many more do you want?

No, on the prison list. The. The prison.

Oh, that was it.

Oh, that was it. Okay, what other news stories did we have?

Okay, so Amazon says no to HQ2. What's HQ2, Chris?

Headquarters to their second headquarters they were going to build in New York. Nuevo York.

Okay, let me, let me read this for you again. Amazon.

Says no to HQ2 in up state New York. But brooms executive hopes for future.

Wow, they're pulling out. What's the, what's she, a senator? A Congress? The one that wants me to pay 70% taxes.

AOC.

Is that her name?

Alexandria Casio Cortez. Yeah, she's a congresswoman.

So she said. I think, I think she said, I don't know, this isn't a political show. So our political facts could be, could be wrong. But she was part of the reason why they pulled out. Because she was giving them a hard time. Because they were giving tax credits to Amazon.

Yeah, she said it was a good thing.

Yeah, she said that she saved this New York billions of dollars or whatever. But there were tax credits. It's credit on future revenue. It's not like they were writing a check for $2 billion to Amazon and basically you cost 25000 jobs, some of them very, very high paying. So pretty, pretty careless political move I think on her part. But Amazon, man, they did not hesitate. They were like, okay, fine, see ya.

Okay, let's do one more. Chris. I have no idea what you guys are talking about.

Neither does our audience.

Okay, so fake milk is real news as synthetic alternatives threaten traditional dairy farms to prevent consumers from becoming confused between regular milk and plant based milk. Dairy. Dairy farmers are asking the FDA to enforce the definition of real milk as. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, sorry, that wasn't the headline. As lacteal secretion from milking. I can't do this. Sexy. Chris. I can't do it. Sexy.

You can't or you won't?

This is disgusting. Okay, I can't. Hold on. Okay.

Dairy farmers are asking the FDA to enforce the definition of milk as lacteal secretion from Milking one or more healthy cows. You know what? I know nothing about real milk because I don't drink it. But isn't that kind of like, so disgusting? No one would want to buy that if they actually knew what milk was. Because I think we're kind of detached from what milk is. But when you think about, like, the nasty juice being squeezed out of those engorged udders on those poor crammed cows, that's disgusting. Why would they want this?

Because it's chocolate. Chocolate milk does not come out of a cow.

Well, it eventually becomes chocolate.

Tim is very pro chocolate milk.

They want to put. They want to put on the label. They want the FDA to enforce lacteal secretion.

Are they going to put that on the label?

Dude, I don't know, but.

Because I'm not pro milk. But I like cheese.

I don't. I can't imagine drinking a big glass of milk. Ugh, so gross. I agree with you.

How do you take your cereal?

Almond milk or whatever. Almond milk is way better.

Okay.

Well, I just don't want lacteal secretion from anyone. Unless it's, like, possibly one day my own. Because I did hear that titty milk tastes good, but we'll. That. I don't know. Not there yet. That is nasty.

Who told you that?

I think it's actually called breast milk.

A customer.

A customer?

A customer told me that breast milk. Sorry, Tim. Is really good.

Let's be honest, diamond and I include myself in this. Your customers can't be trusted.

What? No, you're not. We're not.

I don't know.

People with weird sexual fetishes, usually there's something a little off.

No, it's like. It's not like a fetish. It's like their wife is pregnant and they suck on her titty and they're like, that was good.

Oh, and then they're calling you to.

Tell you that, you know.

Yeah, I get. I have very close relationships with my customers. Sometimes it's more like therapy than sex talk.

How many guys that call in are married, do you think?

Oh, gosh, this is public, huh? People are listening to this. I would say. Okay, I'm just gonna be honest with you. Like, 90%.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's funny too, when you're not married, right?

No, but it's funny when guys.

Am I part of that? 10. It's funny when guys that are. That are married go to strip clubs too.

I mean, if your wife isn't being a nasty, you gotta get it somewhere, right?

I guess. So what Is that. I mean, Freak in the Sheets and something on the Streets or Lady in the Streets.

Freak in the Sheets. That's right. That's right. Just because you're married doesn't mean you should stop being the nasty skank that he fell in love with. That's what I tell all my clients. Take it home to the wife. Tell them.

Have you ever thought about writing a book? That's a great title to a book.

Yeah, I have. It just. It takes. So.

That's a way better title than Unfuck Yourself.

Wait, don't stop. Yeah, that's a book on the bestseller list on Amazon. Unfuck Yourself.

What was the name of our new book? I already forgot what I said.

Titty Milk. No, it was. What was it? Oh, Keep being that skin core that he married and fell in love with or whatever.

Yeah, Titty Milk was actually the name of my first band.

Oh, my gosh. You guys are.

Chicago cover.

Kind of like. I kind of like having an extra. An extra guy. Not that you're not enough, Chris. This is just super fun. I'm having a super fun time.

We'll see. Our previous caller before you didn't like this arrangement as a threesome, she thought that there was too much sword fighting.

She preferred, like, who is this? Girls and a guy.

Okay.

But she owned a. Who is this? Company? Or what was it? Oh, no, podcast. She had a comedy podcast and her fetish was three.

She's not competition to you. Don't worry.

Yeah, because I was gonna say, this is not cool. Not cool. I thought we had something going.

Although she does charge way less.

Okay, what about back to the title of your book, though? What do you think about writing a book? Have you ever thought about that?

No. I started once and it took, like, a long time to even do, like, the forward.

What was the book gonna be about? I feel like all we really need to do, this might be a fun thing to do, is let's just put the title. Let's just make the title keep being the. That he fell in love with. Keep being a skank whore he fell in love with. We'll go on 99 designs. We'll have a real book cover designed. The.

You.

Do you really need to read the book at that point?

Okay, in the middle, we'll have, like, 200 pages. But in the middle, we'll just have read the COVID Like stupid. Yeah, read the COVID Or it could be a coloring book, and I bet you we could make that a bestseller on Amazon.

What do you think? What do you think about that time.

I mean, there's a. You're getting the wheels turning. I'm thinking of a few options here. It could even be a coffee table book with just a bunch of pictures of skank horrors all through it. I mean, it could be a whole thing. It could.

At least some web.

You take it too far.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Well, I'm. I'm loving this. I actually wrote it down.

What was Just out of curiosity, what was the book you sat down to write that you couldn't get past the forward?

It was going to be my memoirs, but then I realized people would read it and I didn't know if I wanted to incriminate myself.

Why don't we just take your diary and make photocopies?

I haven't kept a diary since I was 15. Since you were drinking beer out in the woods with old man 40 year old virgin.

Let's be real, okay? Okay, darling, I need to run. Just know I really enjoyed this conversation and I cannot wait to catch up with you next week.

Thank you, Ms. Diamond. Have a great week.

All right, honey bunny. Have a beautiful.

I feel like I need to take a shower.