Simon Sinek explains how to find your why by asking close friends why they're friends with you. He says your why forms by your mid-to-late teens and doesn't change over time, though crises can reveal it. The discovery has to be voluntary, not forced.
Questions this video answers
Probably by mid-to-late teens.
16 years old.
Chapters
Find a friend you love. And you know one of those people who, if you call them at 3 o' clock in the morning, you know, they take your call and you would take theirs. Don't do this with a spouse. Don't do this with a sibling.
Don't do this with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Those relationships are too close. But find a best friend and ask them this simple question. Why are we friends? And they're going to look at you like you're crazy. Because it's very hard for the human brain to put our feelings into words because the part of the brain that controls our feelings doesn't control language. This is why we use metaphors and analogies and why we struggle to tell people how we actually feel. It's because it's a different part of the brain. And so they're going to look at you and be like, I don't know, why are you asking me this? And you say, come on, I know you've been there for me my whole life. And then you actually stop asking the question why? Ironically, you actually asked the question, what? You say, come on, what specifically is it about me that I know you'd be there for me no matter what. And they're going to hem and haw because it's hard to put into words. Don't help them, don't let anybody else help them. And they're going to start describing you. I don't know. You're funny, you're smart, you're honest. You've always been there for me. You go, good. You play devil's advocate. Good. That's the definition of a friend. What it specifically is about me that I'd know you'd be there for me no matter what. And again, they'll hem and ha. And some will get through this quickly and some will get through it slowly and it'll be a struggle. And you have to continue to play devil's advocate. Good. That's the definition of a close friend. What specifically is about me? And eventually they'll give up. Eventually they'll stop describing you and they'll start describing themselves. Like my friend said to me, simon, I don't know. All I know is that I can sit in a room with you, I don't even have to talk to you, and I feel inspired and I got goosebumps. In fact, I'm getting them right now. They will put into words the value you have in their life. And you will have the emotional reaction. You'll either well up with tears or you will get goosebumps. This puts you in the ballpark. This is where your why lives. And if you do this with multiple friends, they will say the same kind of thing. In fact, sometimes they'll say the same exact thing. Because your why is the thing you give to the world. And amongst your closest and best friends, it is the space you fill in their lives. So that's a fun little way you can find your why.
The simple answer is no. A why is the sum total of who you are. It is the sum total of the experiences you had when you were a kid, the way you were raised, what you got from your parents, your family, your friends that made you who you are.
You can change the way you navigate the world, you can change what you do, but you can't change who you are.
Our lives offer us opportunity to live in balance with who we are or not. Like, if we start doing things that are counted who we are, our friends say to us, it's like, I don't know who you are anymore. Right? And that is what your why is. Your why is the fundamental core of what inspires you. It is the spark that drives you. And our whys are fully formed, probably by our mid to late teens. The youngest why discovery I've ever done was a 16 year old. And that's it. So, no, a why does not change. If anything, crisis reveals it to us, but it doesn't change it.
I don't care what someone's motivation is. My only rule is they have to want it, that it should never be thrust upon them. So I will never coerce, push, convince or pressure someone to learn their why. They have to decide they want it. It's like the old joke. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But the light bulb has to really want to change.
It's the same thing. Like, I will help my friends. Like, my friends all know that if they ask me to help them find their why, the answer will always be yes. But they have to ask. They have to ask.
It's the same thing. So, you know, I want someone ideally and philosophically to do it, you know, for inspirational reasons. But if they're going through a hard period or a dark period or there's fear, then, you know, if this is a tool that helps, then maybe I don't care what the motivation is. Maybe I don't care if it's for inspirational reasons. Or maybe I could argue that it's all inspirational. If you're trying to come out of darkness to find light, that's pretty damn inspiring.
