They Can't Read Your Mind

When somebody says, "I'm struggling," men traditionally, but it can be anybody, but on balance, try to fix, right? Here's the problem I'm dealing with, and they go, "Here's what you should do," or, "Have you tried this?" And the answer is, "I just need you to listen." And the amazing thing is, people know what they need, and we know what we need, and we can give instructions. Like, ideally, you want people to be equipped to be able to hold space for you in hard times, but what I've learned is that you can ask for what you need. I read this thing in a, is about relationships, it was absolutely epic, which is, it applies to friends, it applies to relationships, it applies to work, which is we all live with the fantasy that our partners can read our minds. And I think that's so brilliant. And so it happened, true story, I was in a bad place, I was having a rough week,. And I called a close friend who I would confide in, and I said to her, um, um, you have a minute? I'm having a— I'm having a go of it, and can I just talk it through with you? And I sort of vented, got it all out, and she started fixing. And I, and I interrupted and said— I mean, what I wanted to do was hang up. You know, it's such a horrible feeling when you need somebody to sit in mud with you and they start fixing you. And, uh I said, I said, I don't need it to fix right now. I need you to just be quiet and listen and just affirm, affirm how I'm feeling. And then she backed off and did what was needed, and it worked fine. I find that the same is true, which is whether you— that sometimes we don't know what to do and a friend comes to you. We can say, do you want me to offer ideas and suggestions, or do you want me to just listen and hold space? And they can say, no, I want suggestions. And I think we don't do that. We don't— there's a little piece of information that we don't seek out or we don't offer which solves the problem. Because if you don't close that gap, you end up feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood, and distant. And now you're angry. And at worst you're angry, but if you do end up hanging up the phone, you feel even more lonely than before you called the friend. And I think we have to practice finding out what someone needs or the place they're in, and telling people what we need. And the amazing thing is when they get it wrong, it doesn't ruin it. We can just interrupt and say, "Thank you, what I need is—" This.