4 Weeks After She Kicked Him Out… This Happened

There's absolutely hope because I never thought I would even step foot in the house again, never mind have a relationship of any sort.

All right, so I'm talking to Tony here today, and, uh, you know, the reason I, I'm having this conversation is because Tony joined us, what, about a month ago now, Tony? Probably was it something like that, somewhere around a month ago?

Pretty close to 4 weeks to the day, actually.

Yeah, yeah. And, uh, you know, just, just full disclosure here, still, it's still a journey in progress. Like, it's far from, from Tony's won, won the game here and everything is is, is perfect in paradise again. We're definitely still on the road to, to, uh, you know, a better, a better world here. But there's definitely been some progress. I just wanted to talk to you, Tony, about some, some of the changes that you've seen. And, and really the thing that I like about you is the, the embrace, embracing the, the right attitude. So, um, just talk to us a little bit. Where, where were you when you came to us, Tony, 4 weeks ago?

Oh, well, um, we'll put it this way, Cody. Even having a conversation without being emotional and breaking down and holding a sentence together was probably, was probably the best description. So in pretty low, pretty lost, felt very, very weak, complete lack of direction, and really not knowing what steps to take in terms of bettering myself. But what I knew, I needed some guidance and some support and some help. That was clear. And it's been that, it's been like that for a long time. Yeah, obviously, you know, those dark moments you can either shy away or you try and look for help. And I did a lot of research, and I found, um, your services, which really resonated with me when I first sort of looked into it and heard you speak. And the descriptions, although not specific to me, I could totally resonate and connect with those feelings or problems that I had. And that's what really started that process to talk to you. But Yeah, I was in a very dark, dark place. Lack of direction, lack of priority, lack of focus, lack of purpose, really. It was, it was probably pretty as low as you can probably go without thinking about not being on the planet anymore.

And where were you at in your marriage? So, so you were, you were, were you in a caravan at that time?

Yeah, I was. Well, the first time I was in a hotel, I was, I was obviously leave the house, which I respected, and Spent a few days in a hotel and I ended up spending probably 2 weeks in a hotel, and that's where I really did a lot of the study material, working with you and your team. Then I moved into a caravan park just from a commercial point of view. It was obviously a cost-effective thing to do, but continued the study. But, you know, 4 weeks later, I can so gladly say from my heart that I'm back in my house, although cohabitating, if you like. It's an inanimate position, but I'm home right now after 4 weeks, which I didn't think I'd even see the family again properly, to be honest, at the beginning. So that's a big swing, that's a massive positive step.

Yeah, yeah. So gone basically from being out of the house, whether kicked out or voluntarily left, to back in the family unit with the wife and kids and Which is great, moving in the right direction. So what were some of the, uh, some of the things that have happened in the last, uh, well, over the past weeks and the past month or so that's allowed you to really reconcile the position with your wife, to get, to get back on that, that path of recovery? What have been some big things for you?

Oh, for sure. Look, um, not lying to myself is, is, has been the key, notwithstanding course material and working with you guys, notwithstanding that, which is obviously the, the, that's the framework to make it happen, right? Um, for me it was, I went through the course material and really looked at myself about, do I really want to change? Do I really want to change? Do I acknowledge that this is not right? And the moment that clicked with me deep down in my heart, the moment everything started to, to become better because I was working on something to improve And whether that's psychologically that you feel like you're doing something from a control point of view, maybe, I don't know. But for me, once my intent was pure, my intent from the heart was pure, the journey started to flow in terms of the learnings with the course material, with Better Marriage. But it had to come from a place of complete pure intent for me personally. So you have to believe in that you can change. Yeah, you have to believe in that first, and then, and then knowing that there's a process to follow gives you hope. You drop a little bit of faith in there and have some self-look at yourself, and it's amazing how powerful you can make them steps forward.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So obviously I don't, I don't want this just to be a, a sales pitch video encouraging people to come work for us. I want, I want to give people some good value as well that they can take away. So Obviously, being through the process now for 4 or 5 weeks yourself, a lot of guys are in the position where their wife's not really willing to work on the relationship, or it's got so bad to where their wives are kind of checked out. They're not really willing to work on the relationship. From, from your experience, can, can you see a way back for those guys that their wives are not willing to work on it?

Absolutely. And first of all, I just want to be really clear on this, right? This is no sales pitch for me either, right? This is—

yeah, yeah.

Sharing my personal experience with anyone in the past has been difficult, never mind sharing it with, you know, you and anyone else that can potentially support and help. So there's no sales pitch here for me whatsoever. I just want to make sure that's absolutely clear. Um, to answer your question, is there hope for other people to get back with their wife? Absolutely, 110%. And it's— and again, for, for me, it's been the intent of the learning that when I do have them engaged, when I started talking to the wife and needed to have those meetings and talk through that, I adopted the correct process and detached from that, the outcome. That's been a big one. Anyone who's thinking of coming onto this course or needs that help, there's absolutely hope because I never thought I would even step foot in the house again, never mind have a relationship of any sort. So the answer is absolutely yes, and it's about doing the work and being honest with yourself and really embracing the tools that you learn on this, the tools I've learned and took away. And for me, they are simple. The way it's described is simple, but applying them is not easy. It's— and that's something I'm really learning every day. But the more you do, the more it becomes perpetual. It's It's empowering. It's empowering. And then I think when you have that with true intent in your heart and your head, it does, it does reflect out on how you act. And I think that's how my wife and my children have seen it, and that's how I've made those steps.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Simplicity on the fast side of complexity. We had that, we had that conversation the other day, Tate.

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And you know what, the fact that I'm even smiling and laughing on this call, Cody, is testament from where it was, where I could probably barely hold a sentence together. Without being emotional, to be able to talk and smile is probably a real demonstration of the progress that can be made if you've got the right attitude.

Yeah, you know, that, that's the, that's the point there, the right attitude. Like, I don't want to give too much stuff away, but I remember the first conversation we had, Tony. You, you're a bit tearful that first conversation, and probably quite hopeless if I, if I remember rightly. It was just, just like you said at the beginning of this call today, you know, without direction, without, without all of that stuff. And you, in 4 weeks, for me, it's like, it's why I've asked you to, to have this conversation with me today, is because you're a different man And could you share some of the major changes that you've been able to identify, or some of the major issues that you've been able to identify in your own life and some of the changes that you've been able to make?

Absolutely. And just before I summarize that, I think it's important to know that this is not the first time I've tried to make a change. I've tried it before. I've seen the doctor, I've seen a therapist. Been only very skin deep and not really been honest about how I'm feeling, I'm feeling, to be able to address what I've got to do to change. So this is a lot. This has not forced me, it's chose me to be as completely honest as I can. The big one for me was the negative interpretation of things has been really toxic internally, internally to me. So there's lots of tools, there's lots of tools in the process that we go through. But the one that's really made the biggest difference to me is identifying that negative interpretation, because it's been a root cause of 80-90% of my behavior. So there's lots of different parts of it that build it up, of course, but that one for me personally, and the lessons I've learned and the sessions we've done for me, has made the most difference in changing my perception, how I think, Um, so that's internally to me. So once I've— once I'm getting that in check, it's allowed me then to understand, you know, people talk about communication. I communicate with clients, um, and in my work, you know, and I'd like to think I do it pretty well, but it's a completely different environment to how it is with loved ones, you know, your family and things like that. And that's probably something that's been very acute to me in terms of how to do it and who I must be to do that. And that's probably what I've adopted the most, Cody, to make the positive steps forward to where I am right now. But there's no way, there's no way I could have done that without the mirror being thrown up and getting hit straight between the eyes, which you regularly do and the team regularly do. And it hurts, it hurts, but it's good, you know, and you take it and you reflect on it and you stew on it a little bit and then you go, right, that does make sense, that's correct. You absorb it and you come back and you reapply it. And it's just that, that's sort of my journey.

Yeah, no, that's, that's brilliant. And again, like, credit to you, Tony, you've taken some of the, the butt kickings that have, that have been handed out for sure. And, you know, something that's important to point out as well, I think you probably, you might have seen it yourself with, with the, the group sessions and stuff like that, it's a that some people show up to feel better and some people show up to get better.

That's very, that's very true. And I would say show up to get better, and that— show up to get better, that's got to be— and this one, I talk about intent, right?

Yeah.

For me, the tools that have been provided for me and the support that's been provided for me, like, these people I don't know, right? I don't know them. There's people on the screen that we're talking to, and it was And I've got a journal as well. Journaling is very good for me, has helped me because it reinforces everything because I'm writing it down and I go back. But being able to talk in front of you or your, your team and a group of men who are in a lot of pain too, I— if someone has said that to me a year ago, there's no way I'd have even considered that. But God, it's empowering. It's empowering, and it feels like, um, it's like a safe environment, which sounds completely counterintuitive to someone that you've never met before, right? So yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a strange but very empowering journey. And my only regret— I've got lots of regrets which I'm releasing, but my only regret is I should have done it a long time ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's, it, it, it's a really good time. Yeah, one of the things is obviously, like I said, I don't want this to be a sales pitch, but there'll be people that watch, that are watching this because they're thinking about joining us, and it's like that there is an element of, if you can't take the truth, this is not going to be for you. It's the truth ultimately that's going to set you free, and it is— the truth is pretty ugly, or you wouldn't be here right now. And it's like, I got to give you that turn, like, you've, you've taken, you've taken your medicine like a big boy on a lot of occasions. It's been quite brutal at times for you.

I'm expecting quite a bit more, if I'm honest. I'm not trying to shy away from that. But, um, look, you have— you're right, the The truth part of it, and being honest, is scary. It was scary for me, and I'm assuming, yeah, it's going to be scary for others. But, um, it gets easier. For me, it gets easier. It's still scary. You still have that, oh God, I've got to address that. But it, you know, when there's light, there's light, right? You just, you've got to do it. You've got to, you've got to address it and be brave. And when you've, when you've, when you think you've been brave to do it, you realize that it wasn't actually that brave to do. It was just that you were so blocked of not being honest with yourself and having the truth around yourself that, you know, you just pile it back. And that's when you start, you know, you're drinking, or your behaviors just become aloof, or you don't listen, or, you know, you push people away, and all of those, all of those escalation things. And yeah, it's, it's, it's not just one, it's not just one part of the the one part of the learning for me. It's actually— there's big— there's parts of learning that are really significant for me personally because that's my personal internal behaviors. But every single part for me has a part to play now. And, and the challenge— and I say challenge or the opportunity, right? The opportunity. And that's something else, is using positive thought has been really helpful. Um, that the opportunity now is I can only make this better. I can only make this better. And if that doesn't excite people and make you feel relieved and remove that anxiety, I don't think anything will, you know. Whereas you've lost— you're lost at the beginning, and now there's a— I'm not saying there's a perfect pathway. Like, I think you said, Cody, you know, you can drive from one side of the country to the other with 20-foot light ahead of you, you know, in the dark.

That's right.

Instead of being able to see the whole journey, make the 20-foot, make the 20-foot, make the 20-foot, take the step, take the step.

Yeah.

And you look back and go, wow, you know, I've got through the course material, or these— and it becomes, it becomes habitual. It becomes habitual because you hold yourself accountable. And, and anyone who's thinking about coming on this, on this course, there's— again, this is my personal, personal view— is it's very empowering. There is pain. I'm not gonna— there's pain to address internally. And, and I'd probably say if you share that pain externally, you're going to get more benefit um, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can promise you there's light at the end of the tunnel, because if I could find it— and I've still got a long way to go, still a long way to go, yeah— but I couldn't see the end of my nose, never mind the end of the room, never mind the end of the road. I, I couldn't see the end of my nose. So, um, if anyone's in that place, there is hope, and there is a bit of faith involved here, you know. There is definitely some faith involved, and that's something I've embraced daily.

Yeah, no, that's, that's spot on. It's like without faith there is no hope, correct? A lot of times I know in my darkest hour, and probably, probably you as well, Tony, it's like, and a lot of people that are watching this, it's like hope's all— hope is all that you have at this point. And if you disregard that, you genuinely are at zero in terms of, of what you had. You've got to have, you've got to have hope. And again, you bring up, you know, a really good point then. It's like anybody who's watching this, and there's going to be a lot of people watching this that are quite hopeless at this point. All you need is your next step. All you need is that next 20 feet of light, as you say. You don't need to know the whole journey. All you need to know is your next step, and you need to take your next step. So I know another great—

and to take that step, you have to have faith. That's right, you have to have faith because you jump, you know. For me, this was one of the things I'm going— I'm going to do this. I don't know if this is the right outcome, is it? Because you like to control things as a man. What does that look like? What does that mean? And sometimes you just have to have faith and take the step. And, and that you've got to do that, that's got to come from the heart. It just has to. For me anyway, I'm not saying that's it, but for me that has to come from the heart. And every step I've took so far, and I believe deeply that I continue to take, will bring more light. It will allow further progress and I think I was saying at the beginning, you know, it's overwhelming. So you can— so instead of having any negative thought about it, it's actually, you know, it's a great opportunity, you know, it's an opportunity to be the person you were born to be, who you deserve to be.

Yeah, yeah. And give your wife and children the father that they also deserve as well in the process of doing that.

Absolutely. You know, like, as a dad, you know, my measure of performance was providing right? And I'm sure every other dad's got the same, but that is 1/50th of what you're meant to do. Probably 1/100th of what you're meant to do, to be honest. But it's, it's such a small component for me that where I think that's my role— Jesus, it's, it's, it's wider than I can, I can, I can describe. And that's okay. That is— it's bad that it's got to that, and that's bad, but it's good that you can identify it and then work on that. And that's where I'm trying to articulate the opportunity. So, you know, my daughter's— she's had anxiety and things, and I haven't helped. I've had no empathy around listening and understanding. And this last 2 weeks, my relationship with my daughter has never been closer because I know how to— no, I don't know. I'm aware of how to listen. I'm aware of how to understand and show that support and security, right? Like to a point now where we're going to be planning, you know, my daughter's 18, my son's 21, they're adults, you know, they're not kids anymore. So they only know their experience of dad up to this point is the old dad. So I'm just really looking forward to having those relationships one-to-one with both my son and my daughter individually, collectively with my wife individually, and as a family collectively. So there's not even just— and this again, this is me, my learning and understanding— there's the relationship with the, my wife But my wife has— the relationship with my wife is also reflective of how she feels with my, with my relationship with my son independently, my daughter independently, my children collectively. So there's almost like 4 or 5 relationship flows, if that makes sense. And this is where once you start— I can see that now, and that's where I want to put my time and effort. And, and, you know, with the, with a bit of faith and hope I want to do that. I'm excited to do that. And I'm hoping that will then reinforce how my wife feels about me moving forward. So everything where I'm saying I've got to do for me, absolutely. But by doing that and sharing it with my children and creating relationships, I'm hoping that's also going to build the family unit. And I've been open and honest about— that's not manipulation, that's me being absolutely clear with my intent from the purest form. And I mean that from the heart.

And yeah.

That's what I talk about, you know, doing this. You've got to, you've got to have the purest intent. That's what I feel anyway. That's given me the, the motivation and the desire to continue even when you get hit in the middle of the head regularly. Um, you know, you've got to have that pure intent to want to do it, and it's very empowering.

And you're a man that's been through— you've tried everything, right? Therapy, doctors, counseling. You've been, you've been through all of, all of these.

And willpower, Cody. And willpower.

Willpower as well.

Yeah, willpower is not what— willpower doesn't work for me anyway. For me anyway, it's got to be, it's got to be structured and processed. But maybe that's just the way I'm wired, I don't know. But I've tried all of those. Yeah, the doctors, the— and again and again, reaching out, being brave because I knew something had to be done, but not being honest when I'm there. Doing the same, what I think they need to hear, never really truly committing to the process has probably been my biggest failing. Whereas this, I've committed to the process entirely. Yeah, entirely.

Yeah.

And the results for me are extremely positive. And I'd like to say, and again, this is no sales pitch, this is just to give people hope that I feel like I've developed— I'm aware and I'm developing skills for life. That's how I would describe it.

Yeah, that's the goal.

Yeah, for me personally. Yeah, skills for life.

Yeah. And for people that are watching this, Tony, because it's not just you, I mean, you've been with, with a, you know, somewhat sizable group of men now for a period of time. Can you see, for the men that think that they can fix their marriage by working on their marriage or getting them, getting their wives to— do you, is that a feasible plan, do you think? Or, or can you see how somebody can fix a marriage without first working on themselves? I guess it's the question.

Impossible. You know, I would call that— if you're trying to fix your marriage without addressing yourself first, that is, you manipulate, you're trying to control an outcome.

Yeah.

And, and that's probably one of the— it's probably one of the first lessons you have to understand, is you have to better yourself first, otherwise the wheels will fall off. You might get— willpower might get it so far, but unless you address it and you're going to fix yourself first in terms of who you want to be. Yeah. And really be honest with that. Okay, this is my opinion.

Yeah.

And that's probably what I've done over the years. I've done what I thought needs to be done to fix things. The wheels fall off. And this is where, you know, even like my wife now, she's going, you know, I've been very open about what I'm doing and the journey I'm on. And it's, well, let's see, you know, it's cyclical. Let's see what happens in a couple of months' time. Let's see if the old Tony comes back and I'm sure people on who are watching this probably resonates with them too. You know, they've tried and it becomes cyclical, and that's because you haven't addressed yourself first and been honest with yourself first. So yeah, in answer to your question, I believe you have, you have to address yourself first before you try and address anything else, because you'll address it in the wrong way with the wrong intent. And if it's with the wrong intent, you'll get the wrong outcome. Yeah, that's my learnings.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's interesting to point out that hurting people hurt people. And, and I know, I know when you first joined us, Tony, I mean, you were definitely in some pain. You were definitely in some pain when you joined us, and, and you, as a result, that was causing some pain as well of the people around you. And, and as long as you as an individual are hurting, I think it's very difficult to stop that hurt in the marriage. And as long as that hurt is going on, there's there's really no hope for your spouse to, to see any light at the end of the tunnel. So addressing that, that hurt within yourself and, and releasing the trauma and the turmoil within yourself, I think that's a, um, well, I know that's a big step in, in actually healing the marriage. And it's one of the things I love about you. I mean, even just looking at your face now, Tony, you're just much more— you're a different person than you were even, even a few weeks ago, really.

Oh, and I'm, and I'm very grateful for the support and the tools I've been given and continue to use. And that's probably something else as well, you know, the tools are there, the support's there, but you've got to continue to use them. And the fact that, you know, I think I've been doing anywhere between 5 and 7 calls a week, to be honest, Cody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've been present.

Yeah, absolutely. And be present to get better, not present just to, you know, but you got to do the work, right? There's no shortcuts to this, there's no click of a finger, there's no I'll buy something and this will fix it. It's like, you've gotta, you gotta address it head on, man. You gotta just work it, persevere, do the work. I mean, for me personally, you know, I, I went through that, the material, as quickly as— not as quickly as I could, but yeah, I just didn't— any spare time I was doing that. That was my priority, that was my focus. I'm still going back through it again and I'll pick up modules and— but you know, you've got to do the work, you know. You've got to do the work, and if you're not willing to do the work, don't bother because the wheels are going to fall off again.

Yeah, that's right. Transformation comes from, uh, radically seek— it doesn't come from exposure to new information, comes from radically seeking out and implementing new behavior. It's new behavior that's going to produce change in your marriage, not new information.

I, I, your articulation of that was perfect. That's absolutely That's absolutely on point. Absolutely on point. And you have to, as a student of this journey, you've got to follow. You've got to— what you've just said is absolutely on point, 100%.

Yeah. A lot of times we talk to a lot of men and they just think that exposure to new information is going to transform their marriage. It's like, no, it's behavior that your wife is responding to and it's your behavior that your wife is saying no to, which is a very important point to, to point out to anybody who's watching this, is that your wife's not saying no to you right now. She's saying no to your behavior. And I think you, you'll admit it yourself, Tony. I'm sure that your behavior when, when we first talked was less than stellar, right? And, and the, you know, the family unit was saying no to that. And now the behavior— your behavior has changed and your attitude has changed, uh, which is also always the precursor to a behavior change. You're getting different results in your marriage. You're getting different responses from your wife and children.

100%, Cody, 100%. And, and that information has to be really digested and applied. Yeah, that's— and to be clear, that's not going to fix everything either, you know, that behavioral change that I'm absolutely 100% committed to and will continue to be for as long as there's a breath in my body. But that only gets you to a point of where communication, it can come back That doesn't fix it, that just, that gets you to a point where you can talk and engage. There's still a lot of work to do around that, and it's very easy to damage that as well. So what we've just described, and again, this is my personal experience, once that information is received, understood, and really applied for that baseline behavior change, that gets you to the table. In my mind, when you're at the table, you've still got to demonstrate that, and that's my challenge where I am right now. Is theoretically articulate leads how it's the, the intent is pure and that could be seen, but it's only through action will that really cement a relationship back together or give any chance of anything being put back together as, as I see it. So it's, it's just to get you back to the table in the first instance, and then from there, you know, that's where the work really begins, you know.

That's exactly right. I mean, we've got phases that we go through here. Like, the step number one is we want to get our wife to say, okay, you've got 5 minutes to explain yourself to me, or you've got— okay, I'll give you the opportunity. Because a lot of guys, I mean, you see it yourself, like their wives are not communicative to them. They're not even willing to— they're not even willing to come to the table in terms of having a conversation at this point. So you're exactly right there, Tony. Step 1 is, you know, we've got to— we've got to go through the process of opening our wives up to even having a conversation. And then once we have that conversation, we— we can't have the same conversation that we've always had because confirmation bias and You know, our wives are wounded creatures at this point. For, for most of the people that, that are at the point where the relationship's coming to the end, there's, there's years, even decades, of, of pain and suffering going on. And that's not just going to turn around overnight. There has to be some— just saying, I'm not going to do that anymore doesn't do it. There has to be an extended period of behavior, and that only comes from, uh, changing yourself. You can't change, you can't change your behavior for any length of time without changing yourself. There has to be that internal shift, which which is why you're here. You've really embraced that internal shift, and, and, you know, you're starting to really reap the rewards from that, Tony.

Yeah, no, I, for sure. And the, that internal shift, you know, I think as part of it, you know, it's like anything. Like, I've recruited people and, and worked with people, and, you know, you know their true colors within 6 to 8 weeks. You know, it's hard to hold a facade.

Yeah.

And I guess that goes back to, if you're intense, pure, that facade is not a facade, it's you. It's the identity to you. And I guess that's probably the biggest difference for me right now is that this is how I identify now. It's how I choose to identify now. So I'm confident. I don't care if it's 1 week, 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 8 months, or 8 years. My correction now is the path I choose to maintain and develop and enhance, not just I'm doing it to fix a position. And I guess for me, that's the fundamental mind shift difference that I've taken from this. But, you know, you're not going to show me how to do that, Cody. No one else on that call is going to show me how to do that. You've got to be able to listen and go in your heart, is this what I want to do? And, and that's my personal journey, you know. It's that flick of a switch where it's absolutely, this is it, it's done, and everything disappears. Yeah, this is what I want to do. And that's got— that certainly got me from very dark position to a point where I can see some light and opportunity ahead, a lot of work, but opportunity being positive. But, you know, that's a deep within decision you have to make and certainly something I've done.

Yeah. And at the end of the day, our wives are saying if we're in a position where the marriage is coming to an end or maybe we've left the house or something like that, the wife is saying no to version 1.0 of Tony or version 1.0 of Cody. It's like reintroducing version 1.0 She's already said no to that. She's already rejected that. There has to be a different version showing up, and that, that comes from it. You know, there's no change in the marriage without a change of identity is one of the things that, that I genuinely believe. Without changing your identity, you can't change the marriage for any length of time. And again, you've embraced that philosophy beautifully, Tony. Credit to you for that.

No, I, I wouldn't have— I wouldn't have been able to do that without the guidance and support, you know. So I just wouldn't Again, you know, saying it's simple, though. You say that to someone, you read that in a book, you go, that's bloody obvious, right? It's obvious. But yeah, bloody hell, the obvious is sometimes not that easy to embrace, you know. And something, you know, as, as again, I've got lots of work to do, but last night something in particular was, was, you know, in the past, you know, either when you put people on a pedestal or you put them down or you put them up One thing I'm seeing very clearly now, me personally with my relationship with my wife, is we're level. But level. So we were talking about feelings last night, and I know I mentioned a few things to you before this call, and I said, you know, what's important to me is how I make you feel. Your feelings are important to me, and I want to make sure that you feel good around me, you know. So it's not gonna— it's gonna take time for that, but that's what I want, you know. That's what I choose to— I want you to feel good around me. And if being away from you helps you feel better about me, then whatever it is that you need. And my wife actually said to me, but it's also important that your feelings are met, Tony. And it was like the first time the, the feeling, the feeling discussion went two ways, you know. And I said last night, I said, you know, babe, we need to move forward, whatever that may look like for you. I know what I'd like to be and what it wants to be, which I've shared with you, but we're level, we're equal, we're Your feelings are just important as mine and mine as yours. That's that mutual respect, right? And it's just making sense to me, Cody, you know. It's like I'm seeing things in a completely different manner and as a man, I don't know about anyone else who watches but you're not taught this shit as a kid. You're not taught this stuff as an adolescent. You're not necessarily taught this stuff as a young man. I don't know, I certainly haven't been taught this. So it just feels like my toolbox is increasing and I'm learning to use the tools. But again, with the right intent. Not a manipulative intent, but the right intent to do the right thing regardless. Yeah.

And if I could leave anybody with anything, that would be the key takeaway. I mean, that's the keys to the kingdom there. It's like if you're doing something to produce an outcome, then that's a manipulation. And I imagine your wife, Tony, one of her complaints was manipulative behavior. And it's— for all of us, right? Like, we're doing things to manipulate outcomes. And when we can actually let go of that outcome and go, I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do, I'm doing this because it's in your, your interest, it's very hard to resist somebody that genuinely has your best interest at heart. Very hard to resist that. It's very easy to resist something that's, that's in a state of manipulation. And again, I think it's, uh, You know, and you might have an opinion on this as well, Tony. You've seen a lot of men now that are in this situation. There's a lot of self-deceit going on where men are actually going, I'm doing this for my wife's best interest. And it's like, are you really? Or are you doing this really for your best interest? Are you giving your wife space because she needs it and she's asking for it, or because if you give her the space, she might come back and that benefits you? It's like, it's very easy to deceive yourself into believing that you're, you're acting altruistically and in their best interest when actually we're still trying to manipulate, which is why we say, you know, you've embraced the philosophy, though, never grade your own homework, right? Never grade your own homework. Never assume, because the mind and the heart is a wicked, deceptive thing, and it will deceive us at the best of times.

Yeah, and I found that extremely useful as well, you know. So two things. One, on this manipulation thing, and, and to say it's not there now, it would be a lie. But I'm aware of it, so I stop and I think about it and assess it, right? It's not happening, it's not happening subconsciously at the moment. I've got to still think about it hard. Yeah. And, and I guess anyone who's watching this, if you really sit with yourself and a cup of tea sometime and think about it, you'd be surprised how much you do without thinking. You'll actually manipulate without thinking because it's just how you are. You've got— again, how I, how I was, shall I say. So I shouldn't assume anything, but, um, I'm very mindful now that is— am I— what's the out— what's the reason for this? What's the intent? And I keep going back to this intent thing, you know, it's very easy to fall back into that. You've got to catch it early, and you're not going to get that unless you're honest with yourself, you know. So the intent thing about, um, the change and doing the, the right thing for the right reason for a non-controlled outcome, it sounds simple, it's hard, but it's very, very, very positive and beneficial to build a relationship back. That's what I've found anyway, Cody.

Yeah, ultimately you're being graded on your intention. Like, we all have best of intention, worst of results, right? We do things well-intentioned and it ends very badly, and we can come, we can come back from that versus maybe a good outcome. Such as you mentioned, like, for all men, really, a security, isn't it? Like, we've given our wives a nice house, a nice car, nice holidays. It's like that's No, the, the, that's not— we're getting a good outcome, but we're being graded, we're getting a failing grade on that because the, the intentions is not enough. That's exactly right, it's not enough.

So I'll give, I'll give an example, right? And this, hopefully this will give some, some hope to people. Um, the other— was it Friday, Friday night? You know, like, you know, normally we go out for a nice dinner somewhere, somewhere nice, and you know, it's maybe not the cheapest place, which is nice. We were both in— we both finished work and running around, we're in just crappy shorts and a vest, and I just said, I owe you chips and curry sauce. You wanted chips and curry sauce the other week. I remembered, I owe you chips and curry sauce, let's go.

Very English, very English.

Yeah, very good. So we just jumped in the car, went down to the local foreshore, found a spot, ordered chips and curry sauce, kind of soda, and just sat on the beach and just watched. And we just sat there, we just had fish, just had chips and curry sauce, and, and just watched the sun go down and spoke about a few things. And, and that will happen where you'll— it's nice, and then it will go painful, then it'll come back. And that's, that's unpackaging the, the feelings, which got to be done. And we came back, and I tell you what, it was probably the best 2 or 3 hours we've had in a long time. So it's not about materialistic, it's not about providing. It was $10 fish, $10 chips and curry sauce, sitting together, sharing an experience, and being in the moment. And, you know, in the past would that have been a manipulative move? Maybe. Pure intent. And it felt— and it felt so— I will swear, it felt fucking great, you know? And being able to see that for what it is— I know it probably sounds really silly, but to see that what it is with its true intent was really good for me. And James, you know, we speak about it, and just those little things, those little moments together with the purest of intent— it's not extravagant, but it's powerful. That's, that's, that's how I feel about things now in my energy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's not the— I think it's why traditional therapy is, is problematic in the results that it gets, is it's just, it's just addressing specific issues. It's not, it's not going into things such as what we're talking about here, as, as the intent behind it and all of that stuff. Yeah, intention is, is very, very powerful.

Yeah. And, and, and And truly listening— and I don't know if anyone else is on, you know, feels this, but you know, you have a busy day and you'll, you'll hear it, you'll listen, it'll just wash over you, or you don't— you're not truly listening, right? And again, this is just— I go back to this simple and easy thing, right? To go, actually, I'm in the moment now and I'm listening to what is being said. I'm trying to understand it and validate and really work through that. And again, it sounds really obvious But with the tools of, you know, going through the program and applying them, my God, have I seen that. Do I— first of all, do I feel different? Absolutely. I feel empowered to be able to do it. And also when to say, hey, I know I need to have this conversation, so if we do it in half an hour, because I'm not— I want to give you my full attention rather than just listening, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, crack a beer over your head. That's just so damaging. And to get that relationship back for me is, is knowing that is a bad trait to have. So learning to listen— God, it's a simple word, it's, it's so powerful. But the, you know, the tools I've taken from this journey so far and continue to learn and try and hone and embrace has been a real benefit for me. And, and by— and I'm talking selfishly here for me, because if I can do it and I understand it, then I can put that with the family, my daughter, my son, my wife So when I say me, I'm not being selfish, but I'm being selfish the fact that I need to have these skills to be able to be the person I need to become. And that's probably the big difference between therapy in the past and things I've done. Yes, it's just treating the surface, whereas now it's about treating me. If I'm being selfish, you know, it's about me being better. Yeah, skills and embracing them so that I can use them and apply them to the better of the family.

Yeah, yeah. Which reminds me of a great, great biblical phrase. It says, you know, if the physician wants to get sick, who will heal this physician? And it's a term I love— selfish benevolence. It's, it's— we're being, we're being benevolent by being selfish, by helping ourselves and growing ourselves and dealing with our own trauma and our own issues. By actually dealing with those, it puts us in a position to where we can actually be there for our family, for our kids, for our wives. Well, we're just a traumatic mess. How can we be there for somebody else? It's like two starving people coming together saying, let's share our food. It's like we're both starving here. At some point, somebody has to get some food in this relationship for everybody to benefit.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. You described it far more articulately than me. I just call it the wheels fall off. The wheels fall off. These wheels, these wheels are getting double bolted, Loctited, and, and, uh, and wire locked. They ain't coming off.

No, no, wheels are not falling off anymore. Yeah, and how you do anything— like, another thing that's very important to understand is how you do anything is how you do everything. If you're failing, if you're failing in your marriage, you, you're failing with your— you're failing in every area of life as well. That, that's unquestionable. You can't be really diligent and successful in one area but a complete mess in the other. Even the areas that it seems like there's success, there's still certainly areas that within those successful areas that you're gonna be able to improve by actually upgrading the software up here, you know, for want of a better way of saying it.

Yeah. And obviously I have businesses and things I do quite heavily. Obviously I do a lot of work outside in my own businesses and things. Um, and you're right with that. I mean, for me at the moment, my priority is me to be better, for me who I want to be, so I can look after the family, etc., etc. But learning these new behaviors and acknowledging them and embracing them, I can definitely see how I can be applying that to my work world for sure, particularly around calmness and peace, which— yeah, you still got to be fiery sometimes. You still have to be a warrior in Aries. Yeah, that's life, that's work. We live in a capitalistic world, that's what it is. But how you do that is actually— there's room for improvement. And there's some of that, and I'm not there yet, and I don't claim to be, but I can clearly see the benefits of my deep changes that I'm doing with the family, how that's going to help outside of the family. And I'm not there yet officially, but I can definitely see that. I can't— I can. And there's certain parts I'm trying to do. You know, I give a good team briefing the other day, and, um, and it was— I've really— I was deep in the course material, and I started just by virtue of applying it and validating with people if they understood Is there anything you want? You know, that deeper conversation with my team during the meeting and also hanging around afterwards. Just little things I did differently, just little things that are different, which is what I've took from this journey that I'm on so far. And there was benefit in that, you know. There's— and that the measure of that for me in the work world was normally after a meeting there'll be, I didn't quite understand that, and there's follow-up questions. And there's— it was, it was done, it was closed, and everyone was absolutely clear and comfortable with what needed to be done. In its entirety, and motivation was high, and, and, you know, feedback was good, and that type of thing. It only sounds really small, but just by taking that couple of extra minutes and applying a little bit more thought in how it's going to be projected and communicated and validated for me with my team in the work world, which is obviously what I'm learning as a person with my family, I saw a benefit. So there's definitely, there's definitely scope there for, for optimization, shall I say.

Yeah, absolutely. And you bring up a good point in that story as well. Being a man that has strength and the ability to protect through force, and that, but that strength is under control, is, is a very attractive quality. Being a monkey with a machine gun is a very unattractive quality. It's like strength, strength muscled and strength controlled is, is a very, is a very important thing. Whereas a lot of people, we just We have that, we have that strength and we have that ability to use the force when we need it, but it's under— it's not under control. It's, it's random and it can, it can come out at any time and it can be very terrifying in that, in that capacity. So what you're saying is very good there, having that, you know, developing the self-control to where you, you have the force if you need it, but it's only going to be used in an appropriate situation. This is definitely a very attractive quality that, that your wife and employees also are going to be experiencing, no doubt, from you.

Yeah, and, and, and something else again, if this helps any of the lads and the gents on that who watch this video, you know, it's easy to beat yourself up about the past. There's still— there's things that are wrong, right? Otherwise I wouldn't be on this call, and people who are watching wouldn't be on this call, wouldn't be here. Yeah, yeah. But there's also things you've done well in life, guys, you know. And, and you beat— I beat myself up a lot, and I've got to realize there's still— we're still here. There's still things we've done, there's still things we've achieved. Some of the things aren't great, but there's an awful lot of good stuff there. There's an awful lot of good memories as well as the bad, and you've got to hold on to them. You've got to release the bad, you know. And I guess what I'm saying is it's easy to beat yourself up and become so internally myopic and inward thinking that everything is— you've done everything wrong your whole life. And two things: one, you haven't, is my opinion. What I have— what I haven't done wrong. But also, it's just a great opportunity to Acknowledge things you've done wrong, let them go, and rebuild the good. Rebuild the good. But I guess what I'm saying is don't, don't beat yourself up that much, you know. And I was beating myself up to a point where I was, do I really want to be here anymore? Okay, so yeah, you don't get much lower. But now, you know, you're moving forward. There's, there's, there's an awful lot of positivity in the past, and remember that and release the negative. And that's something, that's the journey I'm going through about my internal healing. So I guess, I guess what I'm trying to do is give a word of hope, I guess.

Yeah, you're doing a good job, Tony. You're doing a good job. Just to give a word of hope, you know, there is light at the end of the tunnel, regardless of what you think. You don't know what you don't know is, is, is, is the point.

And, and, and I want to, I want to quote you on this one, Cody, just to reiterate how much, how much I value your input and guidance and the team's guidance. And it's something I was thinking about last night again, was, you know, slow is smooth, smooth becomes fast.

Slow, smooth, smooth is fast.

Yep, yep. So I listen to what you say and I write these things down, and, and because that there for me is how I manage impatience. Because, you know, if you're busy in your work life, you get things done. This is not a quick win process, right? It's not a, it's not a quick win, click a finger, it's done. You've got to go through, you've got to do the work.

Yeah.

So patience for— and I think I've emailed you on this about, you know, I don't want to rush this, I don't want to see my customers, I don't— I just want to make sure I'm doing effectively. Correct.

Yeah.

And I went back through my notes and I'm, I'm going, no, smooth, so slow is smooth, smooth becomes quick and fast. And that's patience. That's how I'm, that's how I'm managing it, you know. So These are the type of lessons I'm taking away and I'm trying to apply.

Yeah, I know, that's brilliant. Thanks, thanks for sharing that. I appreciate it. It makes me feel good when, when you, you quote stuff back and, uh, I'm like, yeah, that's, that's— I did say that.

Yeah. And, and, and, you know, I'd say to anyone, why, why invest in bettering yourself if you're not gonna do the work? Yeah. And absorb the content and apply it, apply it to you and how it works for you individually. You know, you've got to, you've got to do the work, you know, you've got to be humble and you've got, you've got to listen. And some parts, some parts will resonate really hard, but then some parts for me don't. There's certain little parts I don't, but it's not from the, from what I've done with you. It's probably been from the wider spectrum of people on calls because it's specific to them. But I'm learning to go, well, I respect that, but that doesn't, that's, that, that is, that's not for my environment. I know that, and I can be honest and say that doesn't work for me, but I respect yours. Yeah. The, the core function of what we're going through in the course material in this journey all works for me. I just, I just take it and apply it how I feel it's going to work. But you said marking your own homework, and at the beginning I didn't understand that. At the beginning, and there's certain things I didn't understand in the materials, but the more you go through it and you ask and clarify and go, does this— am I reading this correctly, or is my interpretation correctly? You've got to ask the question. That's something I found very useful is having the platform to go and the security to be able to go, I don't understand this concept. What does that mean? Am I applying it in the right way? So the marking your own homework or don't mark your own homework is actually really, really good. And the fact that when one of the tools I really like about this and Cody, and I was talking to my wife about this actually, was my last question to the group is, this is what I'd like to know, this is what I've done. And to be honest, what I found is 99% of the answer was in what I've done, in my understanding. It was just you to, you know, someone to go, that's right, maybe tweak this or consider that, and then your homework's valid, your homework's a pass. And I found that quite useful. So it's not just go ask a question, get an answer. It's ask a question, what have you done about this? What you've— what, what what you believe, how you were going to apply it. And by doing that, you're actually processing the logic. That's how I found it anyway.

Yeah. Yeah.

To me, that's powerful because it means I've done, I've done the work, the homework, right. And if I've missed anything, the opportunity is then for it to be checked by the team, you know, in terms of a conversation or whatever that is, you know, it's not school. That for me has been really powerful because it actually gives you some confidence as well to believe in yourself. This is what I've took away from it. It's given me confidence in myself to go, I can do this. I'm, I'm studying it hard, I understand it, I'm practicing it. And by virtue of going, this is my question, this is what I'm thinking, and that's validated as pretty damn close, well done, it makes me feel great. I'm on the right track. It's given me, give, give me confidence in my own ability, I guess, is what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah. Because there's two ways we can go with this, Tony. It's like, it would be very easy to teach learned helplessness to where You, you're completely unable to have a conversation with your wife without first checking in and going, okay, you know, checklist, checklist, checklist, checklist, versus my goal for you is, is ultimately to become your own relationship coach and coach to others as well. When people start seeing the results that you're getting, uh, like I'm sure some people will watch this and they'll, they'll reach out to you in some way or other. It's like as soon as people start to see that you have these skills, then, then the goal is for, is for me, is for you to become your own relationship coach to where eventually you can go, okay, I don't, I don't need to go to Cody or I don't need to go Rob or whoever anymore. I can actually— I have the thought process and I have the, I, I have the process to evaluate what's going on here to make the right decision for myself. And at that point, you really become, become independent and much more valuable to your wife and children.

For sure, for sure. And, and to be honest, what you've just described is, is how I work in my professional capacity outside of dealing with my personal issues.

Yeah.

And this is the part, it's like I do that already in a professional capacity. Follow the process, get the outcome, coach guide. But doing it internally for yourself, it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to— sometimes you need that fresh set of eyes and that new information and then learning that new information and applying it. As I say, there's a lot of simple fundamentals there, but you know, if you're not— you've got to change your wiring. You have to change your wiring. There you go. You have to change your wiring.

Exactly right. Yeah. Version 1.0 of whoever you are right now is like, you gotta go look in the mirror and be honest and go, Cody, you're a very good looking guy, but you're not getting the job done. You're fired. We're bringing somebody, we're bringing in, starting tomorrow morning, we're bringing in somebody new here to run this relationship because you had a good run at it, man, but this is the mess you've made. You gotta go. And it's kind of funny you're laughing, but it's true. You know, it's like the person that, For most people that are watching this right now, the person that they're looking at in the mirror is not the person that's going to fix their marriage.

Well, you know, and you know what, probably a bit cringy, look in the mirror and say, I'm going to change. You know, I, I haven't done it for this, this week, but for the first couple of weeks it was, it was regular talking to myself in the mirror or talking to myself in my head. And yeah, but you've got, you've got to embrace the change or you've got to want the change, you know. It's— and that's why I go back to this what's your intent, man? Like, if your intent is to— because you do love you. And that's another thing, right? It's another thing that I've been honest with is, is do you want to be with your wife? Do you know? And that's a— do you want to be with your wife?

Fair question. Yeah, it's a very fair question. Yes.

Yeah. Because if, if the answer is no, then the change— I mean, the change you do is for yourself anyway, right? For sure. You've got— that's the first point. But then the second point is, what's my driver? My driver is, yeah, I need to change who I want to be regardless. But the next one is, do I want to be with my wife? And it's a fair question. And I've been honest with my wife and I've analyzed it. I've thought about what life would be without her. And for me, life with my wife is a thousand or infinitely times better than without her. There's nothing I would change about her. She's great. She's an angel. And really, really resonate with me on how lucky I am to have that person, and I've damaged that, and if I've got a chance to rebuild that. But you've got to be honest about that, because it's also okay to go, do you know what, I don't want to be with her. But you still go through this change because she deserves that, and it'll help drive an amicable outcome. But you've got to— you wouldn't be on this call if you didn't love your wife, I guess. What is probably the deep-rooted meaning. But I think you've really got to ask that question honestly to yourself. Well, I certainly did anyway.

I know it's about it. It's absolutely— I mean, a lot of the guys, and I'm sure you've heard it in, in the group sessions as well, where a guy will be talking about his wife like she's this and she's this and she's this. It's like, why do you even want to be with this woman? Do you even— there's nothing about what you're saying.

I've heard that on a few calls and I've thought that, but not my position. I'm not qualified. I would just say that I have, I've seen that and felt that, Cody, actually. So yeah. Bloody valid point.

Yeah, it's like, do you— why, why do you want to be with a woman that is all of these negative things? Do you even— you know, it's like, is it just your ego is being hurt? Are you just, are you just feeling like— or is it a selfish thing? You know, you're just gonna not have sex for a while if she leaves. It's like, what, what— why do you want to be with this woman? Because ultimately it's like, unless you can really get to the bottom of that and go, I want to be with this woman because she's genuinely my soulmate, like, like the conclusion you've come to, you're just not going to do the work. It's just going to be too hard.

Absolutely. And all of these descriptions are everything I've been thinking about this whole journey. And it comes back to this, and I keep saying about it, it comes back to the intent, right? What is the intent? And the intent is a buildup of all of these things like we're discussing now, right? In my simple mind, it all comes back to intent. What is the intention? What is the what's that intent from the heart? You know, you've got to have the right intention, and from that, you're right, you know, the attitude will come, the gratitude, you know, and the feeling of potential, of happiness and hope comes. And, and the more it becomes like a perpetuating, it grows.

Yeah, momentum.

Yeah. And I feel like that comes out. And don't get me wrong, this is not everything's perfect, roses and rainbows, roast into glasses all the time. It goes backwards and forwards for sure, you know, and it continues to. And I know it's going to happen a lot more for me. But as long as the intent is pure and the intent and the push is pure, none of that really matters. You know, the right attitude, the facts don't matter type thing. It's true. It's true. As long as the intent's pure and the energy behind that's pure, you'll keep pushing through and find the outcome. That's what I believe. That's what I've experienced.

Yep.

What I choose to believe moving forward so that I can make this work. For me and my family.

Yeah. Well, Tony, you've been super generous with your time and sharing, being open and sharing your experience today. If you could leave anybody who's watching this that's in a bit of a desperate situation, hopeless situation, they feel like all is lost, any advice that you could leave them with?

Taking the first step is the best step. And taking that first step into an environment that for me personally has changed my life, not just over the last 4 weeks, but I know it will change my life for the future, is be brave, take the step, and be honest. Be honest with yourself, be honest with your intent, be humble, Listen and do the work. That's how I describe my advice. Awesome.

Thank you. Thanks, thanks so much, Tony, for, for being open and sharing today. Bless you. I'm sure I see you on a call in a couple of hours from now, so—

Oh, absolutely. I'm not going anywhere soon, Cody, I'm afraid. You guys see me, unfortunately.

All right.