Separate Bedrooms. Bags Packed… 4 Weeks Later This Happened

How soon, in your opinion, do you see somebody turning it around if they follow the steps, if they follow the process?

I did it in 4 weeks, and we were in separate bedrooms. Her bags were packed, cash was in the separate account, ready to go. And yeah, I just jumped in the deep end. I've got to say this, didn't communicate with her, just my actions. And that was 4 weeks. So yeah, I suppose if we go back in time, uh, all the way to the beginning, prior to me touching base with, uh, yeah, my wife and I were having difficulties. Um, I didn't know what it was, but I knew it wasn't right. Um, and I don't— if I was, if I was to really think hard about it, I don't even know how I came across you and your team. I think I just Google searched, in all honesty, you know, 'crappy marriage,' 'shitty wife,' you know, 'fix it,' 'how to,' and your name started popping up. So I watched a couple of your YouTube clips and it just resonated. It just sounded good, the way the language I could interpret it and I could understand it. So I reached out to one of your team and my first phone interview pretty much had me in tears in the first 15 minutes. And I thought, I thought I had it under control. I thought I knew what the problem was. I just needed some reassurance to go, yeah, buddy, that's what you should do and you'll be fine. But no, talking to a professional just brought all that undone. And it made it reassuring to say that we're not about fixing the relationship. We're identifying that myself as a person, as a man, has got some faults. And it wasn't a big guilt trip. It was almost the fact, yeah, you got some issues and we can help you fix it and you're going to be better for it. And so I found that really reassuring and really encouraging and gave me the motivation to, you know, really look into it and throw myself into the deep end and really give it everything that I could. And so I've heard some of the other guys talk about their situations and they're pretty dire. My situation was pretty dire as well. If I go back to my wife's birthday, I had grand plans to try and resurrect and sort of save the marriage. And my wife and I, we weren't talking. It was just real— we're just coexisting in the house, you know, hi, bye, there's your dinner, do the dishes. Just really, when I look back now, and just really childish. But on her birthday, I said to her, I said, oh, look, you know, we should— I've planned a day, you know, we'll go out, I'll take you somewhere. Um, we'll let it— we can, you can, we can use language here, Cody, if you don't mind. Like, uh, yeah, yeah, no, go ahead. Okay. She turned around to me and just looked me dead in the eye and said, why the fuck would I want to go with you anywhere? And that really sort of set me back. Um, she said to me, my bags are packed, I've got cash set, I'm about to walk out the freaking door, and you want me to go with you somewhere? And it just, it just blew up. I think at that point in time it's like, I need rescuing, I need saving, I need to do something. Um, and so yeah, got involved with Cody Butler Butler and the team and didn't implement anything straight away. Did a lot of reading and it really helped. I learned a lot about myself as a person and where my shortcomings were. Um, I know there's a— there's, there's, there's guys that are involved in drinking and gambling and drugs and porn and affairs and all of that. But what I've learned, it really, it just shies away from all of that. It pushes all that to the side, um, and then it gets right into the psychic of, you know, what humans are, what humans need, why humans do what they need to do. I found that really interesting, and I could see the patterns, um, of what I was doing, uh, as a person and what I thought I was doing was right.

Let me jump in for just a second, Brad. Let's, let's, let's put that into, into sequence so we've got some kind of context as to where you were in the relationship and where these aha moments came in and how those aha moments actually impacted you in the relationship. Because a lot of this stuff, right, people are going to go, I know that, I know that. And it's like, well, cool.

Yeah.

If you know it, why are you not doing it, right? Why is your marriage not there? So let's look at, let's go back to the beginning and if you don't mind, if that's all right, just to, so talk just a tad more about where you were when you first came to us, in terms of your relationship? You're in different bedrooms, right? It was like—

yeah, yeah, no, different bedrooms, not talking, um, really disliking each other's company. I've got 3 boys, 18, 16, and 14. They were all in the house, but we were right at the, at the point of we've got to separate, we've got to just take the heat out of this relationship. My boys were picking up on it. We were having arguments and they were just in the room next door. When the argument was over, my boys were coming out, oh, what's going on? Why is mom saying she wants you to leave? You know, what's all this about? So yeah, when I look back now, really immature, really stupid, and I can't believe that we acted that way to each other. You know, there was some We were all just running on emotions, but it was so irresponsible that I look back at it now. But at that point in time, it seemed like we were doing the right thing. I was defending myself, she was defending herself. But yeah, it's a really crappy time to go through, and I imagine it's quite a few of us that are going through it. But yeah, when I got on board with, uh, with, with your team, um, I was able to, um find out that one of my biggest problems was not validating my wife's opinions. Um, and just the way that I used to communicate with her. Like, if I look back really early on, I tell this story, um, to a couple of friends. So when I first met my wife and we're going out, we'd go out to the movies, I'd buy the ticket, I'd drive her there, go for dinner, I'd pay for dinner. and then boyfriend, girlfriend, do what they do. You know, we might get a bit of sex at the end of the night. That was cool. The following weekend, uh, might go see another movie, go out for dinner, I'd pay. Come the end of the night, get sex. Hey, this, this is a good cycle to be in. Uh, spend a bit of money, hang out with my girlfriend, get what a bloke needs. And I just went around in this cycle, and I thought that cycle was good. Move along 20 years down the track, I've got 3 kids, and I'm still doing the exact same cycle because that fed my confidence. It gave me, you know, fed my ego, made me feel good, gave me confidence, and I could just keep going around in that circle, totally unaware that the impact that was having on my wife. Yeah, just totally oblivious to it. You know, you talk about communication. Yeah, I do not know how to communicate, you know, with my wife. I do not know how to make her feel safe and secure. I do not have that skill set. And it wasn't until coming on board here that I learned a bit about that. So yeah, when she was using her language and communicating with me, her words were just flying straight over the top of my head. But now that I look back, her words were absolutely on point. She was saying exactly what she needed to say. I just wasn't hearing it, and I just wasn't processing it. I didn't know what her words meant. And it's a bit of a shame that I've gone through 20 years and you know, have just been oblivious to what she's saying. But I've got still plenty of time ahead of me. So yeah, I think if very early on in the stage, I think something that really struck with me was coming from a place from a servant's heart. And that just— I didn't know what that means, but I just hear the word servant and I hear the word slave. And so, okay, sounds like I've got to go home and be a slave. I can do that. I can just do all the chores and the jobs around the house. And I think that was one of the first steps I did. I just went home and just got really involved into what was going on in the household with no expectation of any gratitude or an expectation of, hey, thanks for doing that. I just hooked in and just basically got shit done. And when I say that, I'm talking about the things that, you know, my wife would usually have to nag me to, you know, take out the rubbish, feed the dog, take the dog for 'Can you help with this? Can you help with that?' There was no communication. I just hooked in and got it done. And then, um, the, the second thing, um, that really resonated was, uh, yeah, coming from a servant's heart and a place of, uh, gratefulness. Um, and yeah, one, one situation where I think it was a turning point and a really aha moment was my wife is Italian, hot-blooded Italian, right? And so loves to cook, really good cook. And leading them up, leading up to, um, you know, our difficult time, um, not communicating, she wasn't cooking. You know, it was just real sour in the house. And when she did cook, it was just crap, you know. And so one night, I remember vividly, she's cooked this meal, and I'm sitting there eating it, and I'm— no shit, it was like eating a fucking gumboot. But, you know, I pushed through, and I'm eating this food. And I just said to her, I didn't look at her, there's no eye contact. I just said, I'm really— I said to her out loud, I said, I'm really grateful for coming home to a home-cooked meal every night. But I could see out of my peripheral, you know, whatever she was doing, she sort of looked up and looked at me like, what the fuck are you saying, you idiot? You know, and then she went back to it. But that was just a seed. I just threw that out there. I just dropped that out there with no expectation, no communication wanting to come back from her. And then days go by, I find out that she was talking to her girlfriend and she mentioned to her girlfriend, they said, oh, you know what Brad said the other night? He's fucking sitting outside eating this meal and he turns around, he says he's grateful for coming home to a home-cooked meal. Um, you know, what's going on with this bloke? He's been doing these jobs around the house, you know, something's going on. So, um, it— and this is something else that I've learned as well. So yeah, my wife females, they, they love to talk. Um, the difficult time that we were going through was that I was able to identify that my wife was talking, she just wasn't talking to me. Um, and so, yeah, yeah, it took a, um, a long time, uh, for me to get her to start sharing words and start communicating with me. And one other situation that I, um, I was able to catch myself on handling was, she was telling me a story, you know, she's gone through Macca's drive-through and got a coffee and they totally botched her coffee. And, you know, she was really upset by it. Old Brad would've turned around and gone, well, why the fuck are you going through Macca's? You should just go through Starbucks, their coffee's heaps better. And I would've just invalidated her comment, whatever experience she had. Here I am, I'm the problem solver. You had a problem, I've solved your problem. Move on with your life. And she started telling me that story, and I just had to catch myself and say nothing and then listen to the next 15-20 minutes of how bad the coffee was and how bad the service was, and she doesn't think she's going to go back there again. She's trying to find a new coffee shop. And at the end of it, she turns around and goes, I might end up starting giving Starbucks a go. I'm like, well, so we were presented with the exact same problem and we came to the exact same solution. I'm a logical thinker. I went straight from A to B. Obviously, my wife's not a logical thinker. She took me on this lovely, wonderful journey and told me, you know, this wonderful fluffy story, but we still got to the end, the same conclusion. And so, yeah, I've just learned to— what's the saying, Cody? Close your beak, you know, just shut up. Yeah, yeah. Um, but it's got to come. So all these little sayings and all these little cues, it's okay to, uh, talk about them and joke about them, but you do have to be genuine. I couldn't— I had to catch myself. I can't just sit there and go, okay, I learned something today. All the guy has to do is shut up and say nothing. That's, that's not really it. You do have to be quiet. You do have to give your wife the time to talk and express her feelings, but then you also need to be genuine and take them on board. And then when it's your turn to communicate, you need to be sincere. And I didn't know how to do that. I wasn't doing that. And that was a big part of our problem. And I'm still trying to fix that and work on that every day. Yeah. Yeah.

And you bring up a good point there. Like, your wife loves to talk. And I talk to men all the time and they go, my wife just doesn't like talking. My wife, she just doesn't want to talk. She doesn't like talking. And it's like, no, women, they love talking. She doesn't like to talk to you. And that is the fundamental flaw in the relationship, right? This is the real problem, that until she, until she can talk about her problems with you, that the relationship is not going to resolve itself. And until that emotional safety can be created to where she feels safe to talk about, about her problems, then, then there's going to be real problems. So it's good to understand that every woman loves to talk. If she's not talking, it's because she doesn't want to talk to you. So jumping forward a little bit and, and sort of creating this gap here, so where, where are you at in your marriage now, Brad? And how, how long has it taken you to get there? I mean, you've been with us for a couple of months now, probably a couple of months.

So, um, my family, my wife and my boys, we celebrated, uh, Christmas, and hand on my heart, I think was the best Christmas, uh, we've had as a family. When things were really, really crappy, it was her birthday. So we're talking November, November the 11th. So from November 11th, that was, that was a turning point for me. I've got to do something. I've got to start researching. I've got to get on the internet and search up what to do. Go to 25th of December, Christmas. So here we're talking a month. And, um, I think very early on, Cody, I said that was, uh, that was going to be my, my drive. My goal was to give my family this Christmas. My wife was going to get a new husband. My boys were going to get a new dad. Yep, I remember that. Yeah, and I think I delivered. Um, yeah, I've— the relationship with my boys has really, um, exploded. And guys feel good when they've got sons. They said, yeah, me and my son, we're best mates. But I, I can honestly say over the last 8 weeks now that all of my boys, my 3 boys, we have become really tight. It's just gone up a level. And I'm, if anything else I'm just super proud that I've been able to achieve that. Um, and I— and that was one of the mindsets that I come on board with, um, was, yeah, it would be great to save my marriage, but I was able to identify very early on a lot of the problems with myself as a person. So at the end of the day, if my marriage failed, I was— it sounds crude to talk about it, but it was sort of like, all right, my marriage fails, well, that fails. At the end of the day, at least I'm going to be a better man and be a better dad. But I've been able to achieve all three. Better man, better dad, better husband. And yeah, like, I eventually had to come out and tell my wife, you know, that I was doing this. She basically called me out on it. I was very keen and eager to read all the PDFs, watch all the clips, and then just race home and go, right, listen, I've got us fixed. All we need to do is blah, blah, blah. I read this thing, we're talking a lot about emotional safety and security. So that just did not gel with me. Emotional safety and security. So I've got an alarm system at home and I've got CCTV at home. I'm thinking we're pretty safe and we're pretty secure. But that's just my thought process. That's how I thought legitimately. And I was just so far from where I needed to be. And so I have changed the way that I communicate now with my wife. It's It's awesome. It's not natural for me, and she knows that. But she is now also contributing and helping in a way that I've never seen her do that before. So yeah, she called me out one day. I don't know if I'm jumping too far ahead, Cody, but she called me out. She goes, you've changed. You're doing things. I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, I suppose you're seeing a professional, a doctor, psychologist, someone. And I said, well, yeah, I'm not going to lie to you, it's not that, but I will— we should go out for lunch and I'll tell you what's been going on. And so I did, and it was really good and refreshing because she turned around, she goes, look, it's not all your fault, it takes two to tango. She's got her own faults, but she was absolutely super proud and chuffed and wrapped that I'd taken this on board myself. When kids are involved, that was a big moment for her. She just loved to see the interaction and the way that the boys and I were growing and interacting and things that we were doing together where she's like, "Oh no, that's just the sons and the dad moment." She now wants to be involved. She doesn't want to be just sitting on the sidelines. Let me come on board and ride motorbikes and do all boy things. It's really brought us together. Really, really quickly. And people who are friends with me and family have, have seen it, and they can see that it's genuine. I imagine there's a few quick fix overnight things that you could probably do, and they, they might work for a couple of days and then fail. But yeah, these, these are— we're, we're starting from the ground up, building new foundations. And yeah, it's really good for myself and my family. We're loving it.

Yeah, I know that's good. You bring up a good point there. There's a, a lot of times there's a, a false reconciliation takes place where when a woman, she leaves or she's on the brink of leaving, all of a sudden she's faced with the, the fear and the reality of being alone, and she comes back simply through the, the desire to not want to be alone or the desire to not want to face life by herself versus coming back to you because you're a high-value male and you're the, you, you You're indispensable, right? You become indispensable to her. So, uh, you bring up some other good points. Like, a lot of guys talk about— or most guys, to be honest with you, when we first talk to them, are like, how do I change my wife? How do I introduce this to my wife? How do I get my wife to see this? And it's like, I always tell them, you don't, you don't need to. Like, curiosity is your friend. It's like, the way this is going to be long term is she needs to see the changes, and you need to button the beak, as we say.

Yeah, yeah, it's, um, it's true. And I think back now to when, when you said all that, um, I'm thinking in the back of my mind, I think, bullshit, no way that's going to happen. But, um, yeah, you do. You— it just, um, it came natural. It just felt like the right thing to do. Uh, you know, I can't put it in any simpler terms. Shut the hell up and let your actions speak for themselves. And you do your actions from a place of gratefulness. You know, I'm not going to do chores around the house and be expected to say— have people say, oh, thank you for doing the dishwasher, or thank you for doing this, or thank you for doing— expect nothing. And, um, and then it will come, it will come as a tidal wave. Um, and I, I actually had to say to my wife, I said, I'm doing a few things. I'm changing a few things personally. And the tidal wave came, and I did— I had to sort of say to her, I said, I need to either slow it down, this is too much, things that— things that were happening, I'm spinning too many plates. Um, I just said to her, I, you know, this is what I'm trying to implement. I'm trying to do this, I'm trying to cater for you, I'm trying to look after the boys, I'm trying to run a business. And she was more than, uh, understanding and just said take a break, pump the brakes, cool the jets, you know, take a step back. You don't have to try and go at 100% all the time. And so that was just reassuring to hear that from her as well, that she could see that I'm making a super effort, but if you're going to burn yourself into the ground doing that, she's more than happy for it. Just take a break, relax, you know. And that was just a sign of her showing that she had all the confidence in the relationship and it was going the right direction. We're not back, you know, 100%, but she can absolutely see that we're on the path of where we need to be and we're taking the right steps. If we need to slow some of those steps down, fine, that's good. And so that was just reassuring. And it all comes down to that communication, really listening to the words that my wife says to me and being straight up. If she says something that makes 100% to her, but I don't understand it, it doesn't mean anything to me, Instead of just sitting there nodding my head and going, 'No worries, babe,' I've actually got to call her out. 'Hang on a minute, the, the words that you're using, the, the body language that you're using, it doesn't make sense to me. Break it down, try again.' And, and that's been awesome.

Yeah, no, it's good, it's good. So yeah, a lot of people that, that people will be watching this video or having problems in their marriage right now, they, they're going to be of the opinion that they're problems are unique to them and that their situation is unique and their situation is worse than everybody else's. So we do what we do mostly in group, right? So you get to see like plenty of people coming through and is this a process, Brad, that is unique to you and it works uniquely for your situation or in your experience now having seen like many men come through, it's like pretty much the problems more or less all the same. And these type of results are available for anybody that wants to embrace the process.

Yeah, look, when I got told that that's how your course works, I'll be straight up with you. I'm like, I'm not doing one of these courses. No fucking way. I am not gonna do a Zoom call with other men and sit down and have a lot of— I would much prefer just read the PDFs, watch the YouTube clips, listen to a podcast, and that'll be me. That was my hand on my heart. That was my plan. Yeah. But yeah, jumping on my first call and just listening to the other guys and how encouraging and reassuring and how we're all walking the same path. It's like, I'll put the PDFs and the other bullshit aside, let's get back onto the, you know, the conference calls with all the blokes and yeah, just spill your guts. And there's so much good information that comes out from that. Yeah, I can't believe how powerful those classes are, really. Yeah, that is the key. Get on those calls with those guys.

And a lot of it is you can't see the wood for the trees in most situations. Like, people are just too emotionally involved with their own situation to see their situation clearly. But when you look at some, when you see somebody else that's in the same situation and you're completely emotionally detached, it's like, it's very easy to look at them and go, well, what, 'What the hell made you think that was going to work? What on earth made you think that was a good idea?' It's so easy to see when you're around other people.

Yeah, and you get so invested in your own little world, and you're so motivated to make this work, and you're so focused, and you're so driven. And it's not until you get onto these calls and talk to the other guys that they call you out and go, 'Hang on, man, if you've been doing all that, that's good, we can see your intentions, but look at all the fuck-ups that you've been doing along the way.' and you've totally missed them, and you need those guys to call you out on that. And it's not intimidating, it's not aggressive, it's just blokes, you know, like talking like this. It's just, um, hey man, yeah, I don't think you should have done that. You should have actually done this because I reckon your wife would have interpreted it like that. And so it is just so simple, but, um, and it often is, and it's easily fixed. But, um, yeah, you can't cut corners, you can't be cheeky and try and jump, you know, you know, to step 10 if you haven't done step 1 to 5, um, because you will— it'll bring it all undone. Absolutely.

So, so for people watching this, again, you've seen, you've seen a lot of the people that come through, through a program and the problems that they have and stuff like that. Somebody who's, who's watching this now that's thinking there's no fixing my marriage, or my wife's told me that she wants out, and, and, you know, she's told me that she's moving, or whatever, like, what What's your advice for those guys?

Don't get too bogged down in what, what she says. She's just reacting. Um, and I, I really encourage you, like, uh, I've seen and heard some guys that have bad marriage. I think I've got a pretty bad one. I'm not going to go into details and tell the ins and outs, but yeah, I think my situation was pretty bad. And if I could If I can turn it around in a month's time, um, I think anyone can. Um, and it's, um, like, I've been bouncing a lot of these ideas and information off my friends, but if you strip it all the way down, I really do understand and appreciate the concept that it— whatever's going on in the marriage, good or bad, it really needs to be the, the man, the male figure, uh, in that marriage to change and then the wife will follow. And that's not to be disrespectful to anyone's wives, you know, man's a leader, wife's a follower. No, that's not it. The man needs to change. The wives are looking for leaders, and together they go off. And that's what we've done, you know. I've been able to change. My wife has seen the change. She wants to be right there by my side, and we are now going forward together in, in this direction. But yeah, you've got to do it from every little step and change that you make. You can't expect to be thanked or have any gratitude come back your way. So that's for blokes, that's probably a hard concept to take. Hey, we're so used to, hey, look what I did, can I get some thanks? We do that at work. Hey, I did something great at work, you get acknowledgement for it, you get a nice email, you get something. To save your marriage, you're gonna have to do something great and get nothing for it. And it doesn't have to be big or grand. Yeah, it doesn't have to be big or grand. It's, it's, it's the little things. And, um, yeah, I think, uh, very early on we talk about, you know, you'll get tested. Um, you know, our wives will, will try us and, and catch us out. And, and that happened to me as well. Um, with nothing bad. It's, it's not until you, uh, go through it and experience it that you can look back and go, oh, that's what that situation was. Now I understand. But yeah, I remember one time sitting there, my wife is talking away, telling me the events of her day, and throughout the whole conversation I'm wanting to jump in and solve problems or give her my feedback or tell her that shouldn't happen. But, you know, button the beak, sit back, just listen, take it all on board, and yak yak yak yak yak. And then, you know, she stopped and paused and looked at me and said, you know, are you listening? I'm like, 100%, babe. Yeah, I'm listening, you know, keep going. Surely, uh, sure, you know, how did, how did this situation end up? Oh, okay, just making sure. Anyway, so then this happened, and then she goes off again. So, um, and, and that's— I know it sounds like that is a small, small thing, but imagine if you turn around to me and said, you know, are you listening to me? And I'm like, oh, what? I don't know, what are you saying? A lot of the good work would have just been washed away. So yeah, it's gotta, you gotta be genuine. You gotta be all in, all cards in.

I remember you made some good comments a few weeks ago on my wife's following my cues. My wife's following my cues. One of the things we talk about, right? It's like, you know, you become the man that you need to be and your wife will, everyone will step up. The rising tide lifts all boats.

Yep.

And I know I remember just out of the blue, you made some comment on a call about, You know, my wife's following my cues. She's following my— I don't remember your exact words. Do you remember, Brad?

I can't remember 100%, but now that you just say those words, Cody, like, I look back now and I remember, you know, a situation just being in the kitchen. I'm cleaning up after we've cooked dinner. I've been at work and she came in and she's like, oh, you know, you don't have to do all that. You know, I can get involved. I'm like, no, no, no. 'You go do your thing, me and the boys have got this.' And so she's saying that I'm changing some things. She doesn't want to be the one who's left out. She wants to come in and do things. And we're only talking about chores, like, uh, um, you know, I can talk about, you know, things that we've done on the weekend. I don't want this— there's so much that happens inside the house around, you know, cooking, cleaning, getting the boys, you know, up and running. But, um, yeah, typically, you know, my wife was, 'No, you've been at work all day, you kick back, kick 'Put your feet up and relax.' I'm coming now from a servant's heart and a place of gratefulness. No, no, I'm not doing that. I'm getting involved. And even when she wants to come in and say to me, 'Go and leave it,' she'll do it. I'm like, 'No, no, I got this. You go and relax. You take your weight off your feet and have a light evening. I got this under control.' But yeah, I can just see, look back now, it probably doesn't sound like it, but I can look back now that I was making changes. She also naturally just wanted to make a few changes as well. And yeah, my 3 boys are standing back looking at us both, you know, arguing over who's going to do the most chores, you know, and they're loving it as well.

No, it's good.

Yeah, weekends, weekends. So I think it was there a couple of weeks before Christmas, you know, I took her out to just do a little country town. Um, I know we can say this, you know, my wife is into, uh, you know, witchcraft and, and that type of thing. That, that's an interest in her. She knows I've got no idea what that sort of stuff is, but I found a quirky little shop and took her over there. Um, and so from a, from a guy's point of view, very, very small gesture, you know, I found this shop, let's go over here. But, you know, she fell in love with it and just really appreciated the fact that I've taken time out of my day to do a bit of research on something that she's interested in and took her over there. And, you know, we had a lovely lunch and, you know, she said, you've never ever done that before. And it wasn't until, you know, doing this and I'm like, oh, I should do something that my wife is, you know, wanting to get involved with. And, you know, that was just another giant step for me. It was a tiny little thing, but in her eyes that was ginormous. And so, yeah, it's all about seeing those little cues and taking advantage of them and making sure that you can make them a positive situation.

So if we were to set some realistic expectations for somebody that was watching this video right now, that's in a pretty bad situation, right? Maybe they're in a separate bedroom or they're getting kicked out of the house. The wife's telling them that I'm pretty much done with you. I've had enough of this. What's some realistic expectations from your experience now of how soon, in your opinion, do you see somebody turning it around if they follow the steps, if they follow the process, if they humble themselves and dethrone themselves from righteousness?

Yeah, I did it in 4 weeks. And we were in separate bedrooms, her bags were packed, cash was in the separate account, ready to go. And yeah, I just jumped in the deep end. I've got to save this. Didn't communicate with her, just my actions. And that was 4 weeks, you know. And that falls wholly and solely on my shoulders. I think the first week was, I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm reading, I'm implementing, I'm doing some stuff. I think, yeah, I think week 2 was, uh, well, we're talking, we're having conversations. It's, um, she's not biting my head off. It's the heat had been taken out of the relationship. Week 3 was, hey, do you want to do something together on the weekend? I think week 4 was, right, what's going on? Spill your guts, you're up to something, uh, come, come clean. Um, and then the, then the pro— that was the tidal wave. You know, so 4 weeks it was, we've done a whole 180 degrees. Um, yeah, and yeah, it was super emotional back then if I remember. We, you know, we were just, uh, we could both identify that shit, we were both just about to throw away, you know. I've been with my wife 27 years and we were both at the point, fuck it, throw it all away. Go get stuffed, you know. Both of us were like that. And, um, yeah, after 4 weeks, turn it around, we look back and go, can't believe that we were just willing to throw it all away. Over what? You know, over me not being the best version of myself? Probably, probably. All right, so, um, yeah, we now communicate on a different level or just differently, you know. We Like, I'm nearly 50, so we communicate like we're 50. Um, 6 months ago, I'm communicating like I was still 21 because that's what I knew. Yeah, yeah. You got to think about, you know, 20, 20 plus, 30 plus years ago, there wasn't a book. Hey, there was no internet. It wasn't like you could search it up. You want to be a good husband, this is what you should do. That, that wasn't around. It's all trial and error. Try something, that works. Shit, if it works, I'm going to keep doing it. But yeah, it took a wake-up call and for us to get into some pretty dark spaces for us to, or for me to look at it and go, right, I've got to change something.

Let me throw something out there. Would you take $100 grand to go back into your old situation?

Fuck no.

To go back, what about, what about half a million? No. Million?

No.

What would it take to get you to go back to November 11th with no information?

Not going there, nothing. Where I'm at now, it's just the best. It, um, it really is. And everyone around us, um, is aware of it, and everyone's wanting to know, what's your magic formula? What's your trick? What are you, what are you doing? What's the, what's, what's the magic essence? Um, and yeah, it's a little bit of hard work, but it's so simple to do, and Yeah, no, I'm not going back. I think that was, that was one of the lessons very early on. Um, I tell the story, I ride my bike, you know, to and from work, and one of the, one of the lessons is, you know, it's all about you've got to convince yourself, you've got to tell yourself you're a good man, you're a loving man, your family loves you. I love my family, I love my wife, my wife loves me. And these are words that you've got to write down, and these are things that you've got to pray on and meditate on and think about. But I— that didn't work for me. And I think one of the guys in the courses actually stated that, you know, he says it out loud. And so I ride my bike to and from work, I'm going down the back streets and I'm saying these things out. I'm nearly screaming them out actually at the top of my voice, 5 o'clock in the morning. I'm a great guy, I love my family, my boys love me. And saying it out loud, for me, that works well. It resonates. I can make it happen if I say something out loud. I'm going to commit to it and do it. And so yeah, that, those, it sounds silly, but it's those little things that you've got to do that make the big things happen really, really easily. Yeah.

Well, one of the key principles of the program, Brad, as you're well aware, is like, is the philosophy that when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter.

Yep.

So there's going to be a lot of people watching this right now going, yeah, but you don't know my facts. You don't know my situation. You don't, you don't know what's going on. And yeah, can you speak to that, that a little bit from your own experience and, and what you've seen as well?

Yeah, we don't need to, you know, you don't need to know the facts. Um, yeah, and I had the same, I had the same thought process, you know, um, thinking that I'm going to come onto these group, these calls and tell the guys the black and white situation. Uh, I've done this, I've done that, this happened, and I don't care. Push all that to the side, right? Because going over the past and dredging all that back up is not going to help you moving forward into the future. So, um, yeah, we're able just to identify that if you've done this, you've done that, you've done that, yeah, that's all cool, we understand that. But what you're doing is you're invalidating your wife's opinion. You're not making her feel safe and secure emotionally. You're not connecting on an emotional basis because you've done all these you know, terrible things. So let's push them aside and focus on how do you reconnect and start talking to your wife and making her feel emotionally secure. I had no idea how to do that. And so, um, yeah, that's what the lessons are for. Try this, try that. I did. I got nothing. Good. Don't expect anything. You're not going to get anything. Now try this, now try that, and I still got nothing. And you feel like it's not working. But like I said, my wife wasn't talking to me, but she was talking to others, and she was noticing it And you'll get no encouragement from your wife and expect none and just keep pushing forward. And then yeah, the tidal wave, you know, they talk about this tidal wave, it'll come. And for me it did. And yeah, I had to say back it down, slow it down. So no, it works 100%.

Awesome, awesome. Yeah, that's, it's, uh, it's some, some very valid, very valid points there. So look, here's what's going to happen just to anybody who's watching this. You're going to be tested. So when you start to change, as I'm sure you can validate, right? It's like your wife's gonna wanna know, is this change real? And she's gonna, she's gonna wanna know what happens when all hope is taken away from you. People go, my wife's telling me that she's leaving and she's not coming back. Well, yeah, she wants to know what's gonna happen when hope's taken away. My wife's behaving like this, my wife's showing, it's like, because here's the thing, right? We can all behave well when things are going good. We can all go, we can all behave well when we've got a belly full of food and, and a good night's sleep. It's when the chips are down and we're squeezed, when you, when, you actually figure out what's inside. And she's going to want to know what's inside of you for sure. And the only way she's going to figure out what's inside of you is to take your hope away, to test you, to put you under the thumb, to wind you up, to press your buttons. And when she can see that you're responding differently when placed under pressure, this is when the tidal wave, as you say, actually happens. So there's one more thing I want to talk about just because it's beautiful and it's my favorite part of the story, really, before before we wrap this up. And it's the story of your boys, really. I mean, like, over a period of time, you know, you were talking about coming in and spending time, you know, the relationship with your boys, right? So talk to us just a little bit about that because that's just a nice side story of what happened.

Alright, I love talking about it, but I'll see if I keep my shit together. So very, very early on in the piece, I can't remember, it might have been Rob, who called me out. He was quizzing me on the relationship I have with my boys, and I said to him, it's really good. I've put a few things in play. We're water skiers, so I had arranged to get my boys their boat license leading up to Christmas. And he called me out, and I think his exact words were, he said to me, he goes, it sounds like you're dragging your boys into your world, into my world. And he said, How come you're not hanging out in their world? And I think I said to him, I said, that's because all they ever want to do is just play their fucking online gaming, Fortnite and all this other, you know, all this other rubbish. Um, and he goes, so when was the last time you played Fortnite with them? And I said to him, I don't. And he just called me out. He goes, well, you know, you're a shit dad because you're not wanting to be in their world, but you want to move heaven and earth and drag them into yours. And that was just, um, a real wake-up call. So I went home that night and just went into my youngest son's room and said, what are you doing? What are you playing? Move, scoot along, make room on your bed, let Dad lay down. He's like, yeah, cool, you want to have a turn? I'm like, oh no, I'll watch for a little while. And so we hung out, I think, for 3 hours and just talk and talk, and he's showing me all about his games. And then my middle son came in and he's like, oh, what are you guys doing? I'm like, I'm just hanging out with Alex. And he goes, oh cool. And he went and got his controller, then he hooked up. So then all three of us are sitting in the rooms and we're playing and all that. And I did that night after night after night. And then kids are very easy. Um, my boys then turned around and the conversation changes to, Dad, are you coming in my room tonight? So the first couple of nights was I, I had to go in and say, hey, do you mind if I come in? And that just automatically changed to, Dad, quick, I'm starting my new game, you coming in? And then it was sharing. Here, Dad, I'll teach you how to do this. I'll teach you how to do that. And so, yeah, jumping into their world was really good. And I remember doing it one night and my wife was out in the kitchen and she's just yelling out, boys, where's your dad? Where's your dad? And she's calling out to me and I said, just be quiet, we'll just play our game. You know, she came in and she goes, what are you doing in here? I'm like, I'm just hanging out with Alex, playing a bit of Minecraft and you know, doing a bit. And she just automatically, like, teared up and got real emotional. And while my son had his headphones on, she just said, my son's a special needs. But yeah, she just highlighted, she goes, you know what, I'm wrapped that you're just hanging out with the boys. This is before the tidal wave. So this is just one of those little things. I'm just playing games with my sons. My wife sees me interacting. She sees the happiness and joy that my boys are getting from it. And that melts her heart. And yeah, that was just another tiny little step in the right direction. And these— I don't know, people watching, they might go, oh, big deal, you're playing computer games with your son. Yeah, but in my household, that was a really big deal. In other people's households, it might not be that, but it'll be something, and it'll seem so insignificant, so small, but in actual fact, they're giant leaps forward. And it's not until you look back, and I can look back on them now, and I know that was an important time. And we still do that now, you know, it's— I love it, he loves it, we're expected to do it, you know. I think weekend just gone, we took his Xbox out of his room, we put it into the theater room where the big, you know, the big screen is and the big sound is, and he got a real kick out of that too. So it's just, yeah, from little things, big things happen. But Yeah, the relationship with my boys has been really good. Christmas, I wrote them a real personal, in-depth, long Christmas card. I got them some dog tags to wear around their necks. I got them engraved. It says— I got them engraved with "My son," and on the back side says "My brother." And my— with my two youngest boys, it didn't really gel. They're like, "Oh, cool. Lovely piece of jewellery. Cool. Thanks, Dad. Awesome." 'And a lovely card.' 'All right, yep, no worries.' My eldest son, though, it took him— he's 19— it took him a little while to register. He started— him and I really hit it off. He came and approached me, says, 'I need to have a talk to you.' That— he was very emotional, very upset. I said, 'Has this got to do with your Christmas card?' He goes, 'Yeah.' And what I had written down, if I remember, was, you know, things like, 'I'm super proud of him,' as a boy. I'm super proud of him, of the man he's becoming. Um, I've had my own misfortunes as being a father, having hit home runs all the time, even though I'm trying. So I make mistakes, but I can identify them now, and I'm putting things in place to rectify them. You're going to make mistakes in your own life. Hopefully, you, if anything, you'll be able to identify them, be able to, you know, fix them up as you travel along. And your mum and I are here to support you, you know, where we can. And yeah, he just found that really, really emotional. And, you know, I hug my boys, but I haven't kissed my boys, you know, for a long, long time. But yeah, both of us just, you know, almost on a daily basis now, we're embracing, we kiss each other, we tell each other that we love each other, you know. I think we need to do that, you know, for this generation. Absolutely.

I think it's fair to say that In your household, you've gone from pretty much being dispensable, getting ready to be given, you know, flicked out of the house, to being a valuable asset in the house in a relatively short period of time across the board, right? With your wife, with your kids, with the family unit as a whole.

Absolutely. Like, I look back now at how dysfunctional— I don't know if that's the right word, but it was like there was 5 individual people living under the one roof. And how we got by, I don't know. But now there's 5 under the one roof, but we are this tight family unit. Yeah, real family unit. Um, that's beautiful, you know. I feel like, uh, I feel like a king in my own kingdom. I've got my family under my own umbrella. You can do all the clichés that you want, but yeah, um, I sort of sit there and, and I'm super proud of my family. And I look at other families and go, you know what, I love my family. I guarantee you wish that you had what I've got. I don't know if that's an arrogant or confidence thing, it probably is, but, um, yeah, I'll tell the world I'm just super proud of what my family is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're— if your brightness offends people, they can just put some sunglasses on, right?

Yeah, absolutely. That's what I say.

You see, if my brightness offends you, put some sunglasses on.

Yeah, absolutely. And that's why I don't want to go back. No way. No amount of money in the world is going to get me back there.

No, no, no, no. Awesome, Brad. Listen, to wrap it up here, any kind of closing thoughts? If anybody's thinking about this and they're skeptical, what are your closing thoughts on this, Brad?

Just do it. I had those thoughts. I was skeptical. I've never been an emotional person or been able to express my feelings. And so I would really feel awkward just doing a one-on-one, you know, with a psychologist or a therapist or someone like that. But being in a group environment where other guys can share their stories and you've got the opportunity just to weigh in and go, oh, that, that sounds real similar to what I, I'm going through, dude. How did, how did you fix this? How did you handle that? Yeah, it just gives you all the confidence and reassurance to know that what you're doing will work, does work. It's worked for me. And I'm not here, you know, speaking about anything. I'm just saying that, yeah, I had a real crap situation and I jumped in the deep end and I took on everything and made it work. And anyone can do it.

And the one thing I will say about you, Brad, and for anyone listening, it's like Brad did show up. Like a lot. Every call, Brad was there. Every, every opportunity. You, you went all in on it, Brad. Like, you didn't— you didn't— we get some guys that half-ass it, but you, you definitely went all in on it, which I think definitely accounts for a good percentage. Like, there were many sessions where you're like, what the hell is this the most, you know, this emotional safety thing? What, what the heck? I don't get it. I don't get it. But it's like, that's the thing, right? Show up, ask the questions, and, and, and keep asking the question until you get it.

Yeah, 100%. Yep, 100%. Um, there's no ridicule, you know, you're not going to get shot down. It's all encouragement. Everyone is there to try and help everyone get over the line, you know, and we're only going to be better people for it. So why not do it?

Awesome, awesome. Any, any closing thought? Anything you want to, you want to say before we, before we wrap our time up together here?

Yeah, you can show this to whoever you want.

Thank you.

Heart goes out, heart goes out really sincerely. Heart goes out to those who are having a crap time. Encouragement goes out to those who are on the fence thinking, should I do it? Should I do it? Encouragement, do it, do it, do it. And yeah, peace and love to everyone.

Nothing's going to get better till you do. That is the key. You have to get better for your situation to get better.

Spot on.

All right, Brad, listen, immensely appreciative of your time today. Thank you so much. And my pleasure. Yeah, have a good one, bro.

No worries, Cody Butler Butler.