She Said “I Don’t Love You”…Here’s What That Means

So we're going to be talking about decoding female language in marriage crisis because ultimately if you get this wrong, you're never going to go right, and if you get it right, then it makes it much harder to go wrong. So understanding what your wife is actually trying to communicate to you is going to be everything because as we probably understand, men and women speak completely different languages. So today we want to take some time and learn how to speak women so we can communicate effectively because many crises that we're going through actually can be avoided if we just understood what she was trying to communicate and we respond appropriately. So, we're gonna talk about why she's leaving the marriage or threatening to leave the marriage and what is actually causing that, not what you think is causing it or what might be. And we're gonna fix the problem that you can't understand, you can't fix what you don't understand is broken. Like right now, everybody is addressing the problems in the marriage that they're aware of, But it's not what you understand and that you're fixing that's causing the problems. It's what you don't understand or what you think you understand that is actually incorrect. So this whole class today, it's not a how-to fix your marriage. This is going to be a diagnostic mirror. So what I want for this class for you to understand where you are and to be able to locate yourself. So this is going to be like an X-ray to where at the end of it, hopefully you're going to go, I get it now. I see where I am. I see what's going on. And I understand better what the problems are. So the goal, as always, is we're looking for accuracy of thinking and precision of action. This is not about giving you hope in a situation or motivating you. It's about being able to see yourself very effectively with accuracy and precision. And when you do see yourself in this diagnostic mirror, to have the courage to not look away, because quite often when we do actually see how we're coming across and the impact that we're having, it's quite it's quite confrontational, so don't look away when you see yourself here. So, the history. So, when did she start to change in the marriage? When did it all start to go wrong? Well, it's when she started to become distant, when her mood started to become more irritable, when she became noticeably colder on a regular basis, the affection started to die, she became easily triggered, you started walking on eggshells, and she became emotionally flat, she was not vibrant around you anymore, and also she may suddenly have become explosive or unpredictable in ways that she wasn't before. This is an indication that what we're going to talk about now has begun. So most men interpret these signals as hormones, she's going through the change, she's hormonal, stress, her friends are influencer— influencing her, feminism, society, people getting a hold of her and getting inside of her head, social media of course is changing her mind, she's going through the change, the midlife crisis, she's emotional, she's narcissistic, she's got attachment disorders, she's got mental issues, emotional issues, These are all, these are all reasons that we assign to these behaviors changing, but in reality, this is really not what's going on. And if you assign this as the cause, you're going to have problems and it's just not going to be very good for anyone at all. So what is actually happening in this situation? Well, again, it comes down to a nervous system issue. When you start to see these symptoms, her nervous system is becoming degraded through repeated training. She's getting repeated training from you through your behavior, through your moods, through your instability, through the way that you're showing up and leading your marriage. So what is happening is her nervous system is actually becoming overloaded, and all of those elements that we talked about are actually just the symptoms. So again, when we look at those problems here, irritability, coldness, like, for example, we tend to see these as the problems, but this is like saying these spots on my face are causing measles. No, it's actually the measles are causing the spots, and the measles in this case is that her nervous system is now overloaded. So this is the core root problem, and this is— if we want to affect the spots on the face, the symptoms, then this is what we have to address. So The first principle to understand is that her nervous system cannot relax. If her nervous system cannot relax around you, then nothing else in the relationship matters. What you say, what you do, what you promise, how you show it, it makes no difference whatsoever. If she's on edge, if her sympathetic nervous system is on high alert, nothing you are doing is going to make any difference at all. Let's see here. So, when this happens, emotional safety within the marriage becomes an impossibility for you, and what that means is romantic love becomes impossible. So when I say romantic love, I'm talking about these are the emotions that we're looking for, right? We want that passion, that intimacy. This becomes utterly impossible without emotional safety. This is also the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" scenario. When her nervous system is overloaded and in a dysregulated state, she can recognize that you're her husband and she can recognize that you're a provider and she can recognize that you are creating physical safety for her and protection and she can respect that. And that's what the "I love you" is. She respects what you're doing for her, but the "in love for you," "in love with you," "I'm not in love with you" is coming from the fact that she's emotionally dysregulated from your behavior that's causing a lack of emotional safety, and that makes it absolutely impossible to have that romantic love, which is the "in love" that we, or what we interpret as the "in love" part of the relationship. So when we solve this, we can have both. She loves you and she's in love with you. So we're going to give the solution to that, or at least an overview of it today. So in this situation, understand that her, her distance is not rejection. She's not saying that she doesn't, she's not consciously choosing to reject you. She's in a position where she's in self-preservation mode. Is what's going on. When a nervous system, whether it's yours or hers, feels threatened, it has no interest in the marriage, it has no interest in the relationship you have with your children, it has no interest in anything other than self-preservation at that point. This literally becomes a life-or-death situation, and in that circumstance, her nervous system, which is operating operating her is not interested in anything in self-preservation, right? So self-preservation mechanism is not voluntary, not voluntary, and it cannot be manually overridden by her or by you. So when that emotional safety is destroyed and she goes into that self-preservation mode, she's not choosing that. And this is why logic doesn't work. She, you can't, logically reason her out of a self-protective mechanism. So what she's doing in that environment is she's creating space because proximity to you feels unsafe. And until that emotional safety is reestablished, the emotional— the sympathetic nervous system is going to continue to create that space because it has to. It has no choice. So what is going on here? The subconscious driver that's driving the marriage, that's driving her, that's causing your crisis is that subconsciously what's being communicated is that she's in danger. And more specifically, that your communication is dangerous to her. And again, don't take this personally. She's not going, "You're dangerous." This is just her subconscious nervous system interpreting the situation as instability within you is dangerous and it's going to separate her from you. So let's talk about some of the things that she might say, because again, this is the diagnostic session. So when she is saying things like she doesn't feel heard, let's look at that. So these are direct signals. She is communicating very direct to you. So those signals could be Language such as, "You're not listening to me." "You don't understand what I'm saying." "You never hear what I'm actually saying." "I feel like I'm talking to a wall." "Talking to you is a waste of time." "I don't know why I even bother talking to you." This is her telling you that she does not feel heard. Now the indirect signals in this situation can be "Never mind, just forget it," after she tries to share something with you. We all get that, right? Like, she just gives up and goes, "Just don't worry about it, forget it, move on." She might tell you, "You always have a solution, but that's not what I need. Why do I even bother telling you anything? You don't get it. You don't understand what I'm saying." Or she may say something like, "It just doesn't matter." when actually it clearly does matter for her. We can see that it does. So these are frustration— the next set of signals are frustration-based signals. So, "You're not even paying attention to me." "You're just waiting for your turn to talk." "You're trying to fix it instead of listening to me." "Just listen to what I'm saying to you." Or, "I've told you this 100 times." A lot of times we'll hear that when we finally have the revelation of what she's actually trying to say, and you go, "Just tell me one more time, I just want to hear one more time," and she goes, "I've told you 100 times, I'm not telling you again." That's a frustration signal. The next set of signals are "I'm done with you" signals. Now we're getting serious. So this is going to be when she stops sharing details about her day, she stops asking you how her day was and she stops getting frustrated with you for not asking about her day. Maybe we have finally figured out that we need to be communicating a little bit better, so we start asking questions and she goes quiet. We ask her how she's doing and we just get monotone answers, "I'm fine," "I'm good," when clearly she's not. She starts taking issues to friends and family, church groups and other people instead of you. She no longer confides in you, she confides in her peer groups. And she starts responding with short answers or she just shuts down completely and doesn't speak at all. If any of this is happening, these are very serious signals and you're in the endgame right now. So I hear all the time, "Well, my wife just doesn't like talking." It's like, That's not true, and this is going to be very hard to hear for some people, but again, don't look away if you see yourself in the mirror. The truth is she doesn't like talking to you. That's the truth. Now when men say, "My wife just doesn't like talking, Cody," it's like, no, no, no, that's like saying a dog doesn't like barking or a man doesn't like having sex. No, she's talking to somebody. Many times when The man says, "She doesn't like talking." I'm like, "Well, is she talking to friends? Is she talking to social groups? Is she talking—" "Yeah, she talks to her friends all the time." "No, she likes talking, she just doesn't like talking to you." Why? Because her nervous system is on high alert. So when these signals become present in the marriage, a lot of times men interpret those signals which are actually her calling out for help, for her saying, "Help me save this marriage. I'm giving you what you need." to rectify this situation, what the man actually hears from the woman is, "She doesn't appreciate me. She doesn't respect me." It challenges his ego and offends his ego, so they defend themselves. They defend their behavior when she's saying, "I don't like this behavior and it needs to go." Instead of the man accepting that and saying, "Okay, you're telling me what you can't live with," he defends his behavior. He explains himself, explains why he's done what he's done. He explains why he said what he said, why he did what he did. He justifies. Because he's in logical mode. He doesn't understand that she, her nervous, sympathetic nervous system is shut down, is now in self-preservation, and could not care less about logic. Her nervous system doesn't care why you did what you did, the reasons you did for it, whether it was justified or not. All the nervous system understands is danger, self-preservation, or they attempt to prove them, to prove their effort. So the problem here is all of these are logic-led attempts to reconcile and to fix the situation. Defending is logical, explaining is logical, justification is logical, and we think that if we can logically show her why we've done what she has done or we've done, she will understand and she will reconcile. This couldn't be further from the truth. She simply could not care less at this point, and it's not I know that's going to trigger some men, but it's like, it's not that she doesn't care less, it's that she cannot care less. She cannot. It's not within her capability because she is now in nervous system mode. So her nervous system has gone into self-preservation shutdown, and logic will never, ever, ever work in this situation. So unfortunately, as men, that's where we're at, right? We communicate logically, and if if a man communicates to another man, logic wins the day. But this is, this is the flaw and this is the fallacy. When your woman is shut down, when your wife is shut down, if you cannot exit logic mode, you cannot reconcile. And you may be able to logically talk her into staying within the relationship because it's impractical to leave, or it's financially imprac— you know, there's lots of reasons, it's damaging to the children or whatever, there's lots of logical reasons to stay, but she will love you but not be in love with you. That romantic love will not return while you are in logical, logic mode. You have to find a way to override this. So the result when you address these situations with logic is she just withdraws further. So what she is communicating to you in that situation when she withdraws further is is, "I cannot speak to you without triggering you." That is what she's saying. Now many times when that withdrawal starts to happen, men think, "Well, she's telling me, she's communicating to me that she wants out of this marriage. She's communicating to me that she wants to be with another man. She's communicating—" You pick your poison. There's 100 things that we interpret it, but what she is actually saying is, "I cannot speak to you without triggering you." and that scares me. And that is a catastrophic failure point within the marriage and absolutely a catastrophic failure point within the reconciliation process because what it does is destroys emotional safety and emotional safety is absolutely mandatory for reconciliation and it's mandatory if you want to have that romantic love or she's in love with me again aspect of the relationship. What she needs to experience that emotional safety is she needs to be able to offer you feedback to feel safe. If you are presenting behavior within the relationship that's making her feel unsafe, she has to be able to correct that and she has to be able to feedback. And if that mechanism is removed to where she cannot feel, she cannot give feedback, then you've removed the mechanism to where she feels safe. And if that safety is removed, It's done, you're finished. So the reality is, and this is where most of us are, if feedback, if her giving feedback, which she needs to do to create safety, creates escalation within the situation, then the required feedback that she needs to give to feel safe ends up destroying the very safety that the communication and feedback is intended to create. And now there's nowhere for her to go. She has no choice. She needs to feel safe. The only way she can feel safe is by feedback, and the feedback mechanism is actually destroying the safety that it's intended to create. So what does she do? She stops giving feedback, is what happens. Now again, we often interpret this as she stopped, she's given up, she stops trying. Blah, blah, blah, blah. No, none of that is true. What that actually means when she stops giving feedback is that you've destroyed the mechanism that allows her to feel safe. So the mistake that a lot of men make in this situation is they mistake the silence or the lack of disagreement for agreement or reconciliation. Now, whenever I speak to a man and he says, "We don't argue, that's not a problem within our relationship," this is a massive problem. Because she's not in agreement with you. She's scared of you. She has no safety with you. Healthy couples fight. Healthy couples argue. The question is not, is it healthy to fight? It is healthy to fight and it's mandatory because this is the feedback. This is the feedback loop that is absolutely required by her to feel safe. If that, if that fighting goes away, it means that the mechanism for safety is left the marriage. So the secret becomes how to fight effectively and how to fight in a healthy way versus fighting in a very destructive, toxic way. So silence is not agreement, it's self-preservation. She's gone into self-preservation mode. All logic has left the building. And also understand that it's not voluntary. She's not choosing this. When you accuse her of abandoning the relationship or refusing to fight for the relationship, you are attacking her for a situation that you have created, and that is not going to go down well, I can tell you. So walk in on eggshells. How do we interpret that as men? Well, often we think she's just too sensitive. She just takes things too personally. But the reality is she's predicting your reactions. So her nervous system is a pattern recognition mechanism, and it is a lagging indicator. So when she's walking on eggshells, what she's actually doing is her nervous system is predicting how you're going to react to what she says, and it's basing its behavior on that. And the way it's coming up with those conclusions is by your past behavior. What did you do the last 100 times when this topic was raised? This is why you are not being responded to in the moment, or she's not responding to the potential of your future behavior, because she's in nervous system preservation mode. She's in pattern recognition mode. And she cannot recognize, or her nervous system cannot recognize patterns that have not happened yet. It can only recognize historical patterns, and this is all it has to go on. When the historical pattern has been, if I bring this up, it creates a problem, then when you bring that, when that comes up again, that is, she's going to react to your past behavior. This is why Repetition and patience is very important in resetting the nervous system because when we understand that it's a lagging indicator and it is a lagging predictive mechanism, it can only respond to the past. We have to create that past by giving her a new present for long enough to where that becomes what is being recognized as the pattern. So the truth of the situation is you are actually being recognized, you're being evaluated for danger based on past performance. Performance, not on present performance or not on future promise. This is where a lot of men get frustrated because they understand, they realize, and this is logical, remember, in your logical mind you've gone, "I've seen the patterns, I've seen the behavior, I've recognized that it's wrong, I've changed myself and I've told her that I've changed, and we've presented a logical argument to her why she should no longer behave that way." But when you understand that this is a lagging indicator and that this present behavior and future promises are not valid until they become past behavior, you're going to struggle and you're going to get frustrated. So predicting reactions is threat management, is what is going on here. So, she stops bringing up problems. Again, a lot of men think this is a victory. She's no longer talking about what happened 20 years ago. She's no longer talking about problems. No. What the man thinks is that things are improving, things are getting better. The reality is she no longer believes that you can self-regulate around those topics. It's become pointless to— when she brings up topics that she needs to give feedback on, to create that safety, you've proven enough times that she now has solid pattern recognition through her nervous system that you are not going to self-regulate when those topics come up. So in order for her to feel safe, because you no longer have the ability to create an environment where she feels safe, she has to create her own safety. And the way she does that is through just not bringing up topics that are dangerous anymore. A woman stops arguing when she stops believing that change is possible within the man. So as we can see with that, it's not a case of because she's no longer bringing up that fight from 10 years ago, she's over it. No, she just, she just has given up on you changing. She's just given up hope, basically. So what does she mean when she says, "I'm tired"? You think she's overwhelmed. She's got too much on, too much with the kids, too much with all of it, with everything. Spitting coffee all over myself. Reality: she's tired of stabilizing your instability. She's tired of having to regulate you. What about when she becomes emotionally flat? Well, the man thinks, "She doesn't love me anymore. She's given up. She wants to leave the relationship." The reality is she's just in nervous system shutdown. Her body has gone into self-protection mode, survival mode. And ultimately, man, this is one thing that we have to understand. There comes a point when it's not about love anymore. It's not about commitment. It's not about dedication. It's just about survival. And the human psyche, above all things, will protect itself. It will defend itself. Its survival is its highest priority. And there comes a point when this is just about survival. She just has to survive. And if we mistake that as she stopped caring, then we make accusations that are very hurtful. And make it very difficult for reconciliation. So her emotional detachment is not abandonment of you. It's protection from your volatility, from your instability. And this is why if as men we cannot honestly diagnose our own volatility and our own emotional dysfunction and dysregulation, We cannot fix the situation. So what happens when the woman withdraws in this way is obviously it causes panic. So what men typically do in this situation is they over-text, they over-explain themselves, they go into that logical mode, they justify, explain, defend. If only she understood why I did what I did, it would be fine. If she knew my motivations, she would be— everything would be great. They start over-promising, I'm going to do this in the future, I'll do this, I'll change. Well, as we've just seen how utterly pointless that is because the mechanism that she's using to evaluate you is a lagging indicator, it's not a current or future indicator. So promises are utterly useless at this point. Or they push for reassurance, they want to know that everything's going to be okay when the reality is she's the one that needs reassurance. She needs reassurance that the instability and the volatility is going to be removed from the relationship and that feedback can be offered in a safe way. She needs that reassurance, reassurance, but instead of offering it with patience, understanding that it's going to take some time for the nervous system to reset, we push to get reassurance from her that she's willing to work on this and that everything's going to be okay. So to you, you're fighting for the relationship. To you, you're fighting for the marriage, and she's doing nothing. She's just given up, and this becomes very frustrating. I hear men say all the time, why won't she fight for this marriage? Because she can't, because you haven't created an environment that makes it literally impossible for her. She cannot override the self-preservation programming of her nervous system. And you forced her into that. She fought for the marriage. If we don't understand that, we mistake her withdrawal as abandonment instead of self-preservation. We mistake it for chosen behavior versus uncontrollable instinct. So when you panic and you engage in these behaviors of logic and reassurance and promises, etc., to her, you're believing this is love and it's you fighting for the marriage. For her, she experiences that as pressure. You're pressuring her, and again, pressure is a threat signal to her nervous system. Now, if you've taken nothing else from this presentation, take that it's her nervous system that is driving this. It's a nervous system under threat and a nervous system that is dysregulated because of a continuous threat environment that is causing the dysfunction within the marriage and pressure. This is why Stage 1, right, that we talk about is stop making the situation worse. Many of the steps that men take in the Panic Stage actually produces pressure, which is a threat signal to the nervous system, which is compounding the breakdown. It's making it worse. It is going to have the polar opposite effect to actually what you intend, not what you indent. My spelling mistake there. So what most men believe is that if I show more effort, she will feel safe. We understand that emotional safety becomes the mechanism to heal the marriage and the emotional regulation, resetting the nervous system becomes the mechanism And we mistakenly fall into, if I show more effort, that, that will fix the problem. No, absolutely 100% wrong, incorrect. Effort without stability increases anxiety. You have, you have to understand where the effort needs to be made, what actually needs to be fixed. If we go down the route that we've just talked about, the effort just creates pressure and the The pressure creates even more anxiety than we've already experienced, or she's already experiencing right now. So understand this, she understands, she experiences outcome, not intention. Now what do I mean by that? When we make the effort to heal the marriage, our intentions are good. We intend for a good outcome and we mean to be doing the right thing. We're trying to show her that her fears are unjustified. We're trying to show her that everything she complains about is not true or illogical. She's not experiencing your intention. Your intentions are good and I understand that, and again, this is where most men go wrong, is they get frustrated because they go, I'm trying and my intentions are on point. Yes, your intentions are on point, I get it, but she's not experiencing your intentions She's experiencing the outcomes that you produce, and she's experiencing them at a subconscious sympathetic nervous system level. So before we can add intensity to the situation, before we can start to move forward with actually rebuilding the marriage, you have to reset her nervous system. Remember, it's a lagging indicator, and the only way lagging indicators can be reset is the present and the future has to become the past. The only mechanism to that is time and patience. So this becomes a cause and effect relationship or a chain reaction of doom within the marriage. It becomes a death spiral. So as hopefully you can see here, your instability in trying to fix the situation, intentional, unintentional, it's nevertheless instability, causes her dysregulation. It leads to her nervous system becoming dysregulated. The result of that is in order for her to feel emotionally safe, she has to pull away. She requires distance. It's the only mechanism left to her to experience any kind of safety. So she pulls away. When she does that, her distance induces panic within you. Her distance causes your panic. The result of that is even more instability and dysregulation within you. You become the proverbial monkey with a machine gun, and we've seen what happens when that happens. So this is the loop that you're stuck in right now. So let's just be clear here. So this triggers some men when I talk about your instability, your volatility, unpredictability. This is not physical abuse. When we talk about she needs to experience safety and feel safe, this isn't— we're not talking about physical safety necessarily, although that could be a part of it. We're fundamentally talking about emotional safety and the impact that emotional dysregulation and instability has on her emotionally safe state or lack of. So what is— what does this mean specifically? What is the instability in the man that I'm referring to? Well, it can be mood shifts. Are you moody? Tone spikes. Does your tone become sharp or aggressive or dismissive? Defensive posture, defending, justifying, etc. You feel like your ego has been attacked or she's misunderstood you. Self-righteous arguments. You just believe that you're right versus do you want to be right or do you want to be married? This is the man that wants to be right. He's going to get his way. Emotionally flooding the zone. When that panic sets in, we just go into emotionally flooding her. Or we go the other way around. We basically go, screw her, I don't need her anyway. You don't want to be with me, I don't want to be with you. These are typically the two zones that men go into. They either emotionally flood the zone trying to convince her, or they just withdraw, stonewall. And inconsistency, which is actually the worst of all, because she doesn't know what she's going to get. At least if you're consistently aggressive, she knows what she's going to get. So this is the practical step. Ask yourself, Does she know which version she is getting of me today? This can summarize the whole presentation in this one question. Does she know what version she's getting of me today? When you walk through the door, does your wife know exactly who she's getting, or does it depend on the kind of day you've had, how much alcohol you've drank, how things have gone at work, who won the football game, any one of 100 things? Because if the answer to this question is no, she does not know who's walking through that door, then you are continuing to add to the dysregulation of her nervous system. The only way to reset her nervous system is consistency over a prolonged period of time. So if the answer to this question is no, she doesn't know, or she cannot predict effectively, accurately who she's going to get today, when I show up, you are positively reinforcing that leaving you is her only option. Beginning to save your marriage is as simple as you've got to show up consistently. This is why many of the things that, that we talk about within the program itself is we don't necessarily use this language of resetting her emotional nervous system or her nervous system. It's how do we create stability within ourselves to show up as the same person every single time. Now, there is a belief that absolutely must change here. This is critical. This, this has destroyed more marriages than anything else. She's the emotional one is the belief that must change. She's not the emotional one. Men and women are equally as emotional. The woman is more volatile in displaying that emotion. A woman typically will display emotion externally. She will express it. A man will display that emotion internally. He will turn it in on himself. And a woman will, she will become what we typically understand as emotional. The man will become what we call volatile. They're the same thing. She's not the emotional one. You're as emotional as each other. So to move forward, she must regulate around you, and what's stopping that happening is you are the unstable variable within that. It's your lack of emotional stability. It's your lack of ability to regulate yourself, to control your mood, to control your temper, to control how you show up. This is the instability within you. And if you can't get a hold of this, if you can't change this, then an in-love-with-you marriage is not something that's on the table for you. So let's look at practical steps. What do we do here? So we've got the, we've got the, the theory behind what's going on. How do we change this? So question. If she could remove 5 things from you, what would those 5 things be? And come back to this after the presentation and write this down. Would it be your defensiveness? Would it be your tone? Would it be the way you escalate situations? Would it be the emotional intensity when you think you're right, when you're in self-righteous mode? When you're convinced that you've got the high ground? Escalation. Do you escalate situations instead of de-escalating? Are you a warlord instead of a peacemaker? Would she remove your lack of predictability, your unpredictability? What would she actually take away? What would— if you gave her a magic wand and said, "You can take 5 things out of me," what would it be? And be honest. Again, this is a mirror. This is the diagnostic. We want accurate, precise thinking, not hope-filled motivational driving forward. So be honest, because as Jesus said, it is the truth. Know the truth, and it is the truth that will set you free. It is the truth that will save your marriage, not what you think the truth is, you hope the truth is, or what you believe you're communicating. It is the actual truth. So what is the truth? You have a nervous system regulation problem. That's the truth, both in you and in her. You have instability within yourself, and that instability is causing dysregulation within her. You cannot expect her to stabilize unless you are the most stable, regulated nervous system within the room. So ultimately, we don't have a communication problem, we've got a containment problem. And that containment problem is, it's an abundance of uncontained, dysregulated emotion. Coming from you. Now I know it's going to trigger a lot of men and like they're going to leave comments going, "Hey, so it's all about me? I'm the one that has to make the changes?" Yes is the answer, because she cannot regulate until you do. She cannot lead this process because she has gone into self-preservation mode And she cannot come out of that. She does not have a choice. She stays there until she leaves you, till she leaves the environment, or until the environment changes. So those are your two choices: change the environment, which is your nervous system becoming regulated, or she has to leave the environment and find a more regulated environment, which might be her parents' house, right, or her friend's house. It's not your house. So here's the bottom line. Uncontained emotion from you destroys emotional safety. Now the hard question is, if nothing about you changes, if nothing in your life changes, if you do not become more emotionally regulated, would she actually feel calmer away from you? Would her nervous system be able to relax and lower its vigilance and go from DEFCON 5 to DEFCON 3? Would it, would it, would her nervous system actually be better off away from you and calmer away from you? If the answer is yes, then you know what you have to do now. You have the map and everything points to this. We can do 100 presentations on 100 different topics, but this is what it comes down to. You, you need to— her nervous system needs to reset to a calmer level, and the mechanism is your regulation, your, your stability. Her nervous system resetting is the solution. You start learning to self-regulate. Learning to self-regulate is the mechanism. Everything points to those two paths. So the final truth here, you cannot talk your way out of this instability. Now we understand that her nervous system is a mechanism of pattern recognition and it's a lagging indicator. Nothing you say in the present or the immediate future is going to have an arse-licker difference on your marriage. Nothing. This is a behavioral problem. It's not a logic or a verbal or a communication problem. You cannot talk your way out of the instability that is created here. The only way you can fix this is you must remove the man that she can no longer live with. And let me be very clear here when I say she cannot live with, she's not, she cannot, this is not her choice and she will not. She will either build walls and barriers so high that you have no access to her within the room or she will leave the room. Those are your only two options. There is not a third option of the instability within you remains, the dysregulation and dysfunction within you, the volatility remains, and she's in love with you again. That's not on the table. So the bottom line is you must learn to self-regulate. You must gain control of yourself. Which is the only way that is going to allow her nervous system to reset around you, which is the only way she's going to feel emotional safety, which is the only way she's coming back to this marriage. So I'm going to end it here. If you want to actually learn more on how to reset her nervous system, I've done a class on that. I'll post that somewhere around here. You can watch that. We'll head over to the Q&A now if you're on YouTube. I'll say goodbye, and if, if you're in the Q&A group, then let's jump over to that.