She’s Done…This Is What You Do Now: Day 3

Hello everybody, and welcome to day number 3, where we're going to be talking about what do I do if my spouse won't cooperate. So welcome back, everybody. Thank you, everybody that's here. Again, I want to recognize you for giving your time to this and giving your time to your marriage. I take my hat off, I salute you. Congratulations on showing up. So today, day number 3, we're going to talk about your spouse has checked out, what do you do? Your spouse has left you, What do you do? Your spouse has asked for a divorce. What do you do? Your spouse is difficult. Basically, your spouse is really stonewalling, they're non-cooperative, or they've left the relationship, or they're asking for a divorce at this particular time. So I've had a ton, ton of questions about this, so I think this is going to be a really, really good session today, and I'm going to share with you some really good stuff. I got my notes here. I'm gonna share with you what to do if that's the situation with you, how you can get your spouse back. What you need to do, what you need to say, all that kind of stuff, how to behave, and it's going to be really eye-opening, really enlightening, I hope, because what you need to do if your spouse right now is estranged from you, if they're not cooperative, they've moved out, is going to be very different to what you think you need to do, right? It's going to be very different to what you've done so far. So if you're in this situation, then you've probably tried everything you know how to try, you've probably done everything you know how to do, you've read the books, you've watched the videos, you've taken the courses, You've done the work, yet your spouse is still not coming back, right? And there's a reason for that. It's because very, very few people actually understand the human mind and the psychology that's going on here and understand the dynamics between the relationship, and they don't know what to do. There's some really bad advice out there, such as the no contact rule, right? That, that's, that's terrible. The no contact rule, trying to get your spouse to miss you to come back, or trying to get them to miss you to behave themselves, is really not going to work. So I'm going to share with you today what to do in an effective way and what absolutely positively, positively works. So before we get into this, I want to give you some caveats. I want to give you some warnings, right? There is no silver bullet here. There is no one thing that you can do. There is no script. There is no one thing that you can say. There's no one action that you can take that is going to get your partner to come back. If you've been in a long-term committed relationship and your partner has left, checked out, asked for a divorce, completely stonewalling you. It's a serious situation and it needs serious attention, and there is not one thing you can do that's going to get them back. It's a series of things. It's a series of changes. It's a sequential event. We've got a sequential series of events, right? We've got to climb a mountain here. We've got a lot of work to do and you've got to be committed to getting them back. And the most important thing, the most important thing, the most important thing— say it with me, guys— the most important thing is you have to be patient. You have to be patient. Now, it doesn't matter if you're wrong or you're right in the situation, right? It doesn't matter if your partner is, if you think they're wrong and you think you're right or whatever, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what they've done. The reality of the situation is, and this is a horrible truth, but it is nevertheless the truth, whoever cares the least in the relationship is in control of the relationship. And that's something we've always got to remember. Whoever cares the least is in control of the relationship, and that's very sad and that's very unfortunate, but the reality is that's what it is, right? Whoever cares the least is in control, and if your partner's checking out right now, if they're telling you they want a divorce, they want to separate, or they're going to stay in the relationship but they've just basically emotionally checked out, they care less right now, most likely. They care less and they're in control, so we can't bring them onto our terms. We can't make them get on our agenda. We can't tell them what they're going to do. This is why the No Contact Rule, just ignoring your spouse and hoping they miss you and come back, is absolutely ridiculous because you're dealing with somebody that cares less than you and they're in control. If you have a partner that has had consistent conflict for a number of years right now, or whatever the problem is, legitimate or not legitimate, doesn't matter. If they've been experiencing that problem for a number of years and now all of a sudden they've got a little bit of separation, you giving them more separation is giving them exactly what they want, right? It's not going to make them miss you and want to come back. They're probably going to enjoy the, the freedom. So there's no quick fixes to this, but there are fixes. And I can tell you, if you do what I'm going to share with you, if you do the work, if you're willing to do the work, if you're willing to be patient, if you're willing to listen more than you talk, if you're willing to do the things and work on yourself, there's a way back for you, 100%. So what I want to share with you first is I've shared a lot of information with you this week, and I want to make sure that that I'm not overwhelming you and that you understand you're on track, right? That you're going in the right direction because we've just shared an absolute crap ton of information here and it can be very overwhelming and you can be confused and you can think that this is not— you're not getting it. So let me share with you here a little slide I made here, how the learning process works, because this is going to be really helpful for you. So at the beginning of the week here, we were in a position of unconscious incompetence here. We didn't know what we were doing in the relationship, most likely. And we didn't know that we weren't aware. So hopefully as I've gone through and I've explained to you through the week the phases of the relationship, right, or the, the core foundations of the relationship, the emotional security, the shared and mutual admiration, and a shared goal and vision, then that hopefully has moved you. Maybe you didn't know that, maybe you didn't know that was the foundation before, at which point you were unconsciously incompetent, right? You were incompetent in the relationship but you didn't even know it, and that is the worst place to be. And this is why marriages fail, and this is why Your partner, if your partner has left you, if that's you who I'm talking to right now, has probably left because you're unconsciously incompetent in aspects of the relationship and you're not even aware that you're incompetent. And that is very troubling for somebody, right? There's no hope. When hope leaves the relationship, the spouse leaves the relationship. That's when relationships end. And if you are unconsciously incompetent in an area, there's no hope for improvement. If you don't even know there's a problem, the problem's not going to improve. And that's a really bad place. So step 1 is unconscious incompetence. The same with the 4, the 4 habits that destroy marriages, right? We covered 4, and I think I threw a few bonus destructive habits in there as well for you as well yesterday. Maybe you didn't even know that those habits were destructive, or maybe, maybe you knew they were damaging, but you didn't understand how they were damaging the core elements of the relationship and how much damage they were really doing. So again, at that point, you're at a point of unconscious incompetence, and it's almost a case of ignorance is bliss, right? You know, You know that you're incompetent, or you don't know how much you don't know yet, so there's no overwhelm. But then you move to conscious incompetence, right? So hopefully everybody who's watching this right now, if you see me looking over, I'm looking at the comments here, so I'm not looking away. I'm trying to read your comments as well as we go and keep up with what's going on. So I appreciate your comments, guys. Keep those coming as well. It keeps me energized and keeps me motivated here. But hopefully we've moved— my goal is to move you from unconscious incompetence into conscious incompetence. So now you're aware of the problems, you're aware of the elements of the relationship. Maybe you don't know how to fix those elements yet, but you're aware of them. You're aware of the habits now that destroy relationships. Maybe you don't know how to undo those habits, maybe you don't know how to change those habits, and that's fine because that is how the learning process works. But I'm telling you right now, when you're in Quadrant 2 here, when you're in the stage of conscious incompetence. This is great because now it's like, whoa, I'm aware of what the problem is. I know what the problem is. I know what's going wrong here now. But at the same time, it's a floodgate. The dam has busted, right? The dike has busted, and it's just a flood of information coming at you. And it's like, whoa, I've got so much to learn. I've got so much to do. I've got so much here that needs to happen, and I'm just completely overwhelmed. And that's completely natural. If that's you right now, if you're feeling a little bit, a little bit overwhelmed, that's fine. That's fine because that's completely natural. That means you're in a good place. You've moved from 1 out of 10 here in unconscious incompetence and you've moved to conscious incompetence. Now the next stage is to move to conscious competence. And this is where we give you the skills. You actually have the skills now. You have the structures, you have the frameworks, you have the mindset, you have the mentalities. You have the attitudes and everything that you need to move forward. You have those skills, yet it takes effort to implement them. Now, a great example of this is driving a car, right? When my 2-year-old is completely unconsciously incompetent about driving a car, he'll sit there and he'll, he'll do this with that. Let me see here. Let me put my face back on for a second. He'll do this with the steering wheel and he'll press the buttons. But the reality is he's completely consciously He's unconsciously incompetent, right? He doesn't know what he's doing. But as you start to get older, you realize that you don't know what you're doing, and people give you skills. You take driving lessons, you get those skills. Maybe your parents take you driving, and then you move into conscious competence. Now, this is where we start out, and we can drive the car, but it takes a lot of effort, right? If you remember when we started out, well, for me at least anyway, maybe it's the same for you as well. Say yes in the comments if you can relate so I know you're still with me. You can do it, but it takes a lot of effort and the radio has to be turned off. People have to stop talking in the car. It's like it requires your full effort. It requires your full attention. And if you stop thinking for a second, everybody in the car is in danger, right? You can competently drive the car, but it takes all of your conscious effort to do it. And that is the next stage, right? And this is where we start to develop competencies. This is where we start to actually implement the skills. And then finally, Stage 4 is where we move to unconscious competence, and that is where we can just consciously, uh, we're unconscious in the implementation of these skills, right? This is habits. We're unconsciously competent at damaging our relationship right now. If you were here for the 4 habits yesterday, hopefully you can see that we are unconsciously competent at damaging the relationship. We want to change that around. So when we become unconsciously competent, that is when we take these skills, habits, mindsets, strategies, frameworks, all of that stuff, and it becomes an unconscious competence. And then that is who we are at that point, right? That is who we are. Our DNA has changed, who we are has changed, our habits has changed, and the autopilot setting is one for success. So if you're feeling a little bit overwhelmed, that's good. That means that you've moved up a stage to unconscious— to conscious incompetence, right? That's good. So don't worry about that. So So let's get going here and talking about what to do if your partner is estranged right now, if they've moved out. So let's first set the groundwork here. What's going on? So if your partner has moved out and they're, they're asking for a divorce, if they're separated, whatever it is, there's a lot of history there, right? And there's a lot of history that you don't even know about. It's a serious situation. So you've got to understand what you're up against here, up against Your primary enemy in this situation is confirmation bias. Confirmation bias. It's your partner's bias that needs to be confirmed that you cannot change, you won't change, you don't have the ability to change, you don't want to change. And here's the sad thing, right? Once confirmation bias kicks in, whatever we believe to be true, we make it true. As I said yesterday, as Henry Ford said, whether you believe you're right or whether you believe you're wrong, you're right. So what's going to happen here is your partner is going to have a confirmation bias. They're going to have tested you a bunch of times. They're going to have given you lots of chances many times which you didn't come through for whatever reason, obviously. They will have heard from you that you can change. They will have heard from you that you're going to change. History, history, history, and now they have this bias that you can't change, that you're not going to do it, and the mind is going to confirm that bias. So here's the thing, right? You can't— if your partner's moved out, you can't get 99 things right and 1 thing wrong. That's not gonna work because as soon as that 1 thing that you get wrong happens, your partner's gonna go, "There you go, I knew they couldn't do it. I knew he couldn't change. I knew she wouldn't change. I knew it was gonna be the same. It's just this, just the same old story over, over, over again," because they're not looking for the 99 things that are right. They're not looking for the 99 things that have changed in the relationship, positively, they're looking for the one thing that's wrong. Now you might go, "That's not fair." Well, I agree it's not fair, but where does it say life's fair, right? It's just the way it is. It's like, that's just what we've got to work with and we've got to understand. So it's much better to step back and be patient at this point, right, and gently ease back into the situation because your partner's only looking for that one thing. They've given you many chances and they've given you a lot of chances probably that you didn't even know were chances, right? They were testing you and you didn't even know that you were tested. You failed tests test after test, time after time, in their eyes, right? In their eyes. And a lot of times you didn't even know you, you were having a test. Maybe your partner was testing you on something, you failed the test, they give you some tuition, you didn't improve, they gave you the test again, they gave you some more tuition, tried to improve the situation until finally when hope left the situation, the situation became hopeless and now they're leaving. So we've got to bring that hope back into the situation, right? So here's Step number 1, this is step number 1, and let me pull my, pull my workbook up here and share my screen. Hopefully you can see it here. So what's the real cause of the problem? Now I guarantee if your partner is leaving right now, if they're asking for a divorce or separation, you don't know probably most likely what the real cause of the problem is. You don't know what it is, but they do. They know what the cause of the problem is, right? So let me see how I get back here. There we go. Get back to my face again. They know what the cause of the problem is. So until you can communicate that you actually understand what the cause of the problem is, they're not going to give you the time of day. Because how can you fix a problem when you don't even know what the problem is? Now, if we look back to my situation, if you weren't here day one, go back and check out my story on day one because it's going to be a good example of here of how this works. I knew that alcohol was the cause of the problems in my relationship. I know that drug use was the cause of the problems in my relationship. It was destructive, it was harmful, and really it's why I was an avoidant spouse. It's why I didn't want to get a resistant spouse, right? An avoidant spouse, a non-cooperative spouse, because my wife would be like, let's go to a marriage boot camp, and I'd be like, it's a waste of time, it's not going to work. She'd go, let's go get counseling. It's a waste of time, it's not going to work. I knew it wasn't going to work because I knew alcohol was the problem and they weren't going to address that. They were going to tell me I needed to learn love languages, and they were going to tell me I needed to this and that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? None of it was the cause of the problem. I knew that my alcohol abuse and alcohol addiction was the cause of the problem. And through all of this, from my wife's perspective, she's trying. She's like, I'm giving him a chance. I'm offering him a marriage workshop. I'm giving him a chance. I'm offering him counseling. I'm giving him a chance. I'm offering him going to a pastor at the church. I'm giving him a chance. I'm giving him a chance. And she's giving me chance after chance after chance. And I'm blowing it and blowing it and blowing it. So, had I not actually come clean and shone light onto my problem and said, "Hey, look sweetheart, the problem is I've got a drinking problem and that's what's causing the problem in the relationship. That's why I've said no to counseling. That's why I've said no to marriage retreats. That's why I've said no to all this stuff. It's a waste of time and I knew it wouldn't work." So the second I say that, it brings hope back into the relationship because guess what she's got now? She's got honesty again, right? She's got honesty from me, which she hasn't got for a long time. She's got some, there's some mutual self-respect coming into the relationship which hasn't been there for a long time, and there's hope of a solution. Now, I didn't need to know the solution at that point. All I did to her was to communicate what the problem was and that I was looking for a solution. I said, sweetheart, I've got a problem. I know this is the cause of the problems in the relationship. It's not this, this, this, and this. I've just been allowing you to think that because that allowed me to hide my drinking and keep that keep that continuing, but actually the real cause of the problem is this, and I'm looking for a solution, and I appreciate your support. That put hope back into the relationship, right? So the question is, what is the real cause of the problems in your relationship? And you've got to be honest about this, right? You can't, like, you can't tell yourself a story to make yourself feel good, or you can't go, well, she just doesn't know, or he just doesn't know. Unless you can figure this out, unless you can get to the bottom of this, nothing's going to happen, nothing's going to change, right? The divorce is going to continue forward, and I guarantee that your partner has been telling you for a very long time what the problem is. You've got to dig deep, you've got to go back, and you've got to find that. Now, I know that some of this information is going to be pretty unpopular, and as well as I get more and more into this, it's going to get more and more unpopular, right? It's like Jesus's Sermon on the Mount was a great example. He gave a sermon to like 5,000 people, and at the end of it, they said, this is hard, who can do this? And he had like 10 people left. Everybody just left. They were absolutely— they wanted to hear everything he had to say when they thought that he was just going to wave his magic wand and heal them and do this and that and everything else wonderful. And when he said, actually, there's work involved and you're going to have to do some work, they go, this is hard. Who can do this? And they all left. And that's going to be the case here to some extent as well, probably. Once we actually start to dig into why the relationship has failed and what's going to happen, it's painful, right? Right? It's difficult. We got to go deep. We got to start looking at ourselves and we got to start seeing ourselves as we really are, not the story that we're telling ourselves. We've got to see ourselves as the person that our spouse is seeing us and not the person that we're seeing as ourselves, because there's a difference there. So let's get into some of this stuff, uh, give you some practical stuff, right? So step number 1 here is going to be, uh, pull this up again for you. You're going to want to identify what's the real cause of the communication and how can I communicate to my partner that I understand that. Now, when you do that, when you communicate that, expect nothing in return. Expect nothing. Again, everything you do here, if you want to win your partner back, you've got to do it altruistically, expecting nothing in return. You've got to do it because it's the right thing to do. You've got to do it because it's going to help them heal. You've got to do it because it's going to give them some peace and them some closure. You can't manipulate here because how's things changed if you're manipulating, right? For things to change, Things have to change. Hopefully that makes sense. If you get what I'm saying there, put yes in the comments. I know you're still with me. For things to change, things have to change. And this is why scripts don't work. It's because if you just want a script, you haven't changed. You're just looking for something to change the situation. You're not looking to change. You're looking to change the situation, right? So that's why scripts don't work. We've got to get to the actual root cause of the problem. and we're going to get to that right now. So let me pull up a slide here. Here we go. This is how we all relate to people. We all relate to people on an agenda, whether we know it or not. We're relating to people on an agenda, and this is— these are the 4 agendas. There's really only 4 agendas, and these are the 4. You are relating to your partner in one of these 4 ways right now, and they're relating back to you in one of these 4 ways. and the chances are it's the reverse of the agenda that you're operating on. So let's cover these quickly. So the first agenda is I'm good, you're bad. I'm a good person and you're a bad person. Now, I always say I can talk to someone one-to-one and within just a few minutes I can tell you what the problem is in their relationship and what are the chances of them healing that damage within the relationship and moving forward. And what I'm looking for here, to give you all of my secrets, to give my secrets away, The first thing that I'm looking for when I talk to somebody is I'm looking for the agenda that you're operating on. I'm looking for how you operate together. And these are the 4: I'm good, you're bad, I'm bad, you're good, I'm bad, you're bad, and I'm good, you're good. So let's look at some, some each of these examples here. So for the longest time, my operating system here, my MO, was I'm bad, you're good. And I went through a series of failed, very, very, very painful failed relationships in my younger days, and this is really where I started to develop these skills because I didn't want to experience the pain anymore. I went through broken relationships too many times and it was too painful and I didn't ever want to experience it again. And that's why I really got into this stuff and really started studying it and getting obsessed with it. And when I started to look at myself and what's going on, I was operating under an I'm bad I'm bad, you're good agenda, right? I'm a bad person and you're a good person. And of course that played out in the relationship in a very, very negative way. So I would find myself in a situation where I was having partners cheat on me consistently, consistently. Like I'd go from relationship to relationship and every relationship would have the same scenario, would have the same situation, and partner would cheat on me and I just could not see that that was a problematic behavior. I couldn't see how bad it was because I was, I was operating on the "you're good, I'm bad" principle. And as a result, I was looking for a way to make myself feel bad in the relationship while at the same time elevating my partner. Now, to get to the deep root cause of this, you don't need to get to the root cause of this. You don't need to know why you're operating on this system. You just need to know what system you're operating on. So if we go back in my situation to when I was very young, My father came home from work one day, he came home the same work I came home from school, I think I was 5 or 6 years old and I used to walk home from school and he had, he was holding some gloves of mine which apparently had fallen out of my pockets on the way home from school and he said, "Are these your gloves, Cody?" I said, "Yeah, these are my gloves." And he goes, "Well, I found them on the side of the road. That's not good, is it? You just don't deserve nice stuff, Cody." And I, my dad was my hero at the time. And I aspired to be my dad. My dad was good and he had put me in a position now where I was bad. I had formed— that was the formation of the "I'm bad, you're good" identity. My dad is bad. Oh, sorry, my dad is good. I was bad. And that was the identity that I took on. But I took it on as a 5-year-old. I didn't— I had no way to filter that. I had no way to understand what was going on. There was some other stuff going on as well that was caused by that as well. But as you can see moving forward, This was the format that I took in relating people, relating to people moving forward. I remember in my, in my early 30s, I just used to think people didn't like me all the time. I'd have friends that, that I really admired and I liked a lot, and I just kept thinking, nobody likes me, nobody likes me. Then I sat down one day and I thought, who does like me? Who does like me? And I could not think of one person who I thought liked me. And it's like, what's going on here? I've surrounded myself with people that I've put on a pedestal as good and I've made myself bad in that situation. So I would end the relationship. I would engage in behavior that would end the relationship. So you're relating to people in one of these 4 agendas. And another way we can look at this, right, is in the win-lose. So we want to go— 3 of these are bad agendas, right? 3 of these are bad operating systems for you to be operating on. If you're operating from a place of I'm bad, you're bad, that's just going to be disastrous, right? Because remember, the mind is going to confirm whatever it is that you believe, and if you choose to believe that you're bad, then you're going to find a way to do that, and you're going to put your partner on a pedestal, right? So you've got the 'I'm good, you're bad,' which we could look at as win-lose. I'm going to win, my partner's going to lose. We could look at it in those terms. That makes it very easy to understand, right? And is that a successful way to run a relationship? I wouldn't have thought so. We've got I'm bad, you're good, which is I'm going to lose, you're going to win. That's lose-win. We could look at it like that. Again, not, not an identity for a successful relationship, right? You can't lose all the time as the individual and put the other person in a position of winning. It's like they're going to be happy and living their life and you're just going to be losing all the time. That's not going to work either. And that's, that's where a lot of people find themselves, right, in the I'm bad, you're good. You've got the I'm bad, you're bad. Well, that's just going to be, that's just going to be devastating, right? That's lose-lose. If you, if you have the I'm bad, you're bad mentality identity, then you're going to be creating a lose-lose environment all the time. And then you've got the I'm good, you're good, which is the win-win. And this is what we're looking to achieve here. So we really want to uncover these beliefs and figure out where we are and what's going on with that, right? We really need to get to the bottom of that. So the way to do that is to ask yourself the question. Let's come back here. Let's go back here. What we're going to have to ask ourselves the question, what would I have to believe to be in this situation? So let me give you an example to illustrate this, because this is fairly complicated stuff, right? So I was, I was at the end of a relationship. My spouse had left, my partner had left me, and I was really upset. And she was like, she behaved very badly in the relationship. She cheated at least like I knew of at least once. And I would probably looking back, it's probably multiple times, no doubt. And I hadn't been treated well. She'd like caused me problems at work. She caused me problems at home. She caused me— she was hugely problematic everywhere she went. But I couldn't see it because I was operating under the I'm bad, you're good. And I was allowing her to make me feel bad so I could self-fulfill my prophecy, right? I'd chosen somebody to put me in that position of I'm bad so I could feel it, so I could make myself right, which is what we're going to do. And I couldn't see that she was wrong. I could only see that she was good. So when she left the relationship, I was devastated again. I was really upset. I was very depressed. I was drinking again a lot. I could not function. My productivity dropped down to the point where I didn't even get out of bed for— it was a good week. I didn't even get out of bed. And one day it just hit me. I just thought, why are you upset, Cody? What would you have— the question popped into my head, what would you have to believe to be upset right now? What would you have to believe to be upset? And the answer is, I would have to believe that she is the best I'm ever going to do. I would have to believe that she is the only way I'm ever going to be happy. I would have to believe that this is what I deserve, right? I deserve this because I'm bad and I'm never going to be happy again because she is so good. And I'm like, I would have to believe a lot of stuff about myself that I deserve this and I can never do better than her. And I'd have to believe all of that stuff. And then the next question is, okay, well, I've uncovered these beliefs. Now of what I would have to believe to be this upset, the next question is, is this true? Is it true? Is she the best I'm ever gonna do? It's like, well, she's cheated on me at least once, I'm guessing multiple times. She's caused me problems here, there, and everywhere. She's done— is it true that she's the best I'm ever gonna do? I'm like, if she's gone and I never get another partner again in my life, that's a good thing, right? It's like her going is a good thing, so why am I upset about this? It's because I've got all of these beliefs about myself that I'm inadequate, that I'm not good enough. I've got a very low standard. I've got a very low standard and I've got a lot of self-esteem issues. I need to raise the bar. And as soon as I raised the bar, I said, it's not true. I don't deserve this. I deserve better than this. She's not the best I'm ever going to do. I raised my standards and I was in my dream relationship within 6 months of being there, to the woman I'm married to now, and I've never looked back. I was able to change the situation instantaneously. And it's like, in that situation, that required a change of spouse, but you can do the same in your situation, right? But you've got to uncover— the reason I'm going through this is you've We've got to uncover what are you operating on here, what's your operating system, and then we've got to raise the standards. And this takes a little bit of time. So moving on, so I don't want to get bogged down in this, right? I want to give you some practical advice. How do you start to get your spouse to come back? Once you've identified what system you're operating on, once you've identified what the actual root cause of the problem is, how do you get your partner to come back? Well, the answer is You've got to show them that you've changed, and the way you've shown them that you've changed is that you actually change. You have to change. You have to change. The way you're doing life right now isn't working. The way you're doing relationships right now isn't working. Your communication strategies are not working, and they have to change. So let me give you some key overviews here of what I mean by this. So we need to start to communicate. The first thing we need to start to do is to start to communicate at an emotional level. The communication style needs to change. So let me tell you what I mean by that. So people respond to emotions. You say relationships all about communication, absolutely right, but we've got to go deeper than that and understand what aspects of communication, what is good communication. Well, good communication is the evocation, it's evoking emotions. People are responding to the emotions that you're creating within them. If I go to my partner and If I say, "You're a worthless mother," what emotion is that going to evoke in her? She's going to feel hurt, she's going to feel angry, she's going to feel resentful, she's going to feel, you know, fill in the blank, right? Fill in the blank, whatever it is. But I can tell you they're all negative emotions and they all push me away or they repel me from her, they repel her from me. It's the emotion that she's responding to, it's not the communication, it's the emotion that it's evoking. If, if I say something that makes her feel loved, if I say something that makes her feel secure, if I say something that makes her feel a sense of self-worth, what does that emotion do? Does she want more or less of that emotion, right? If I make her feel worthless, does she want more or less of that emotion? If I make her feel valued and valuable, does she want more or less of that emotion? It's not what I'm saying, it's It's not the communication that's actually coming out of my mouth, it's the emotion that I am imparting into her so that she's responding to. So let me ask you another question. Have you ever had a sense where, an experience where you, there's a smell, there's a perfume or there's a smell or maybe it's a food or something like that and it just takes you back to a special place and you just get that warm feeling and you just feel really good inside? Smell, the olfactory hall, the smell sense is really powerful for doing that. It's a great example. That smell evokes an emotion. It's not the smell that's making you feel good. It's not the smell that's making you feel warm towards that person when they're wearing that perfume or they have that scent. It's the emotion that it's evoking. The smell is creating an emotion and the emotion is creating feelings and hormones, and that is what is being responded to. Here's the bottom line, right, friends? Here's the bottom line. If your partner is separating from you, if they don't want to be around you, it's because you are creating emotions through your communication that they do not want to deal with. You're creating emo— you're creating emotions through your communication that they do not want to experience, they do not want to have, they do not want to have in their life, right? And as a result, when that happens over and over and over again, it just gets to the point to where they just say, I'm not going to experience this particular emotion or these series of emotions ever again. And this is why I spent some time with the rather confusing topic of identities, right? Because if you're, if you're operating from a perspective of lose-lose or lose-win or win-lose, your subconscious is creating emotions that are going to create losses. That are going to create difficulties. And until you can change that identity, you're not going to change your communication. So the key here is you've really got to start to understand what emotions your communication is bringing, right? So you've got to ask yourself, this is why you've got to slow down, you've got to back off. And right now, maybe you, maybe you've just moved from being unconsciously incompetent in that area of communication to consciously incompetent. You've just, maybe for the first time, you've just gone, ah, okay, that really makes sense. I can see how what I say or what I do or how I behave creates an emotion, and now my partner is responding to that emotion. You've just moved from quadrant 1 to quadrant 2, right? You've gone from being unconsciously incompetent to consciously incompetent. That's why you've got to back off. You can't just go, right, I'm just going to go and create a bunch of emotions in my partner right now, because you don't have the competence yet. In the nicest way, I say that in the nicest way possible, right? You don't have the competence to do that. So you've got to, you've got to start backing off. And the way you do this is you've got to start in every aspect of your communication, whether it's me communicating to you right now. Like, I'm thinking, what communication, what emotion do I want to evoke in you when I get on this call today? When I get on this training today, I'm thinking, what emotion do I want to evoke in my friends who are listening to this? And the answer is hope. I want to evoke, I want to evoke the emotion of hope, because if there's no hope, people stop trying. Step 1 to reconciliation is hope. It's hope. So when I get on this call with you guys today, my initial— when I ask myself before I get on the call, what is your outcome, Cody? What do you want to achieve through your communication on this call today? What emotion do you want to evoke in the attendees? And the answer is hope. Now I measure all of my communication against, is this providing hope? That's why let's look back, let's evaluate what I've done here in light of the new— in light of that, right? Why did I share with you about the quadrant of competencies, right? Because I don't want you to feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I want you to understand that you're in a good place and you're in the right place and you're going through the process. I don't want you to feel hopeless. So I want to give you, I want to communicate to you what I need to communicate to you to show you that there is hope. That is the purpose of my communication. And hopefully, if you are at the beginning and you're still here, then that worked, right? Because if I wasn't, if you felt hopeless at the beginning of the score, you'd probably just go watch YouTube. You'd probably just go do something else. So you've got to start asking yourself, what emotion is this evoking? And you've got to get really, really intentional about your communication. You've got to get intentional. So when you go to work today, get intentional. When you talk to your workmate, before you open your mouth, and this is what I say, you've got to be willing to listen more than you talk, and you've got to be willing to think more than you talk as well. Before you say anything, think, what emotion do I want to evoke in this person? This is how we practice. We don't go and practice on our spouse, right? Because 99 things right, 1 thing wrong is an F. We fail. We've got to get 100 things right for this to work. We've got to get 100 things right. There's no second chances. You've got 1 bullet in your chamber right now. You've got 1 chance at firing this bullet. It has got to hit a bullseye. So don't just go and just go bang, and you just shoot a bird in the sky and you've missed the target. Do not do that, right? Not going to work. Got to be patient. So think, what emotion am I trying to evoke in whoever I come into contact with? Go to the grocery store, and when you're checking out, think, I want to create an emotion of happiness in this person who's receiving payment for my groceries right now. How can I communicate in a way that does that? You can say, hey, you're looking very happy today. That's a nice smile you've got. Something like that, right? Say something that's going to produce that emotion. Because let me ask you a question. I'm gonna have a quick drink because my throat's sore. Is this making sense, guys? Say, put it, put a comment for me. Let me know if this is making sense to you. Make sure— let me make sure everybody is still with me here. Is everybody, is everybody getting this, or do I need to slow down a little bit? So let me, let me ask you this question. If every emotion that I evoked in you during these calls, or hopefully some of us will work together, if when we're working together, if we're having a session, if every emotion that I evoke in you causes you to feel bad about yourself, if every emotion causes you to be— slow down, okay, yep, got you, thanks for that, thanks for the feedback— if every emotion or every communication that I give you causes you to feel bad about yourself, if every emotion causes you to have less self-esteem, if every communication, if every time we talk you feel worse than when we started, are you going to keep coming back? No is the answer, right? But if every time we talk you leave with hope, you leave with inspiration, you leave with motivation, you leave with education, you leave with actionable steps, and you feel good, you feel the emotion of hope, you feel the emotion of this is going to work, you feel the emotion of excitement, are you going to want to be around me? The answer is going to be yes to that question, right? So what we've got to do here is we've got to start to really focus on making our communication so intentional and really limited as well, because like we don't want to create anything negative. Really limit the communication to where we know that what we say, and it becomes intentional, and it is going to create and evoke a positive emotion within that person. If every time we do that, and if your spouse is, if your spouse is off on in a different distance right now, you still have to talk to them, right? You still have to do that. But are they dreading talking to you right now? Are they dreading having that conversation? Are they dreading having that meeting with you because they're just— they're going to leave and they're going to feel drained? Who can relate to that, right? Who can, who can relate to, every time I'm around my spouse, I just feel drained, they just drain me of all the energy? Well, what about if every time you're around your spouse, they, they built you up and they filled you full of positivity and positive energy? That'd be a different story, wouldn't it? So we've got to start thinking in these terms, and when we can do that, then slowly but surely they're going to start to want to be around us. It's like, and it's going to be very slow, right? So here's the process of how it works. When you talk to your partner, and it might be something as simple as saying, we need to talk about this separation, right? We need, we need to, we need to come up with some kind of resolution to do that. That's what the conversation is about. They're expecting, they're expecting a fight. They're expecting you to beg them to come back. They're expecting to be asked for a second chance. They're expecting a lot of stuff that they don't really want, right? They're expecting a lot of negative emotions out of that contact. But what about if you just leave them? If you go, my intention for this contact is to leave them with one positive emotion. That's it. To leave them with one positive emotion. What can you say that will evoke a positive emotion and a positive response in them and just leave them at that. You could say something along the lines of, and I'm just shooting from the hip here, I don't know, "You know what, I think I really understand why you want this divorce. I think I really understand, I think I really get why you need this separation right now. So I know you're not ready to talk about this, but I just want you to know that I'm starting to understand it, and let's just leave it at that for right now. I don't want to have any kind of, any kind of negative experience with you right now, but I just want you to know that I feel like I'm starting to understand that, so let's leave it there. They're gonna go, what, what just happened there? What just happened there, right? That's a little bit of a change, and they're gonna go, hmm, that's interesting. And that's interesting is better than I'm drained, right? That's a better emotion than I'm drained. Then the next time you come, you come around and you can say, hey look, I just, I just want you to know for your own closure, for your own peace of mind, that I know that I've done this, and I recognize that now. I'm not asking for anything in return, I'm just telling you for your benefit, for your sake, for your peace of mind and your closure, because I love you and I don't want you to have an open wound here for the rest of your life. I recognize what I've done here, and I just want to say I'm sorry, and let's just leave it at that. I don't need anything from you in return for that. I don't want anything. I'm not asking for anything in return. I'm not asking for another chance. I'm not asking for to get back together. I'm just letting you know that this is what's happened. I recognize that and I'm sorry for that. Let's just leave it at that. Again, completely different scenario, right, than, than, hey, can you take me back? Can we have— can you give me another chance? Can you— I've changed, I've made a difference, everything's changed. It's like you're not telling them that you've changed, you're showing them that you've changed. You're showing them that you've changed, right? You're showing them, and this is the key right here, and it's baby steps. It's a little bit at a time. It's a little bit at a time, it's a little bit at a time. Interaction number 1, show them that it's not going to be hostile, leave them with a positive emotion. Interaction number 2, leave them with a positive emotion. Interaction number 3, leave them with a positive emotion. And over time, and it may be days, it may be weeks, it may be months, it's going to depend on your situation, right? I don't know how bad your situation is right now. Depending on what's happened and how bad it is, they're going to start to come back. They're going to be more willing to talk to you if every time you talk to them, if every time they have an interaction with you, they experience positive emotions. They're going to be drawn back to you again, and this is what has to happen. So how does that happen? How do we make that happen? Well, there's some things that you need for that to happen. There's really, there's really some steps. So the first thing is like You have to change, right? You have to change as a person. You have to change how you see the world. You have to change your mindset. You have to change your paradigm. And when your paradigm and mindset starts to change and you start to understand and see the world a little bit differently, then the world that you see is going to change as well. So that is step number 1 there, is you've really got to start to up your game. And to a greater or lesser extent, you've got to really raise your standards, right? You've got to, you've got to raise your standards as to the behavior that you'll accept from yourself in your own life, and you've got to raise your standards as to the behavior that you'll accept from others. So for me, it was a case of raising my standards and saying— it wasn't saying I'm not going to accept this behavior from my spouse anymore. It's a case of saying I'm not going to accept this behavior from myself. I'm not going to accept any more having meltdowns in restaurants. I'm not going to accept any more having road rage. I'm not going to accept any more escalating situations. I'm raising the bar I'm raising the standards and I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to raise the standards and I'm going to go to work on myself. That is the first thing. The second thing is you've got to have the frameworks to do this right. I've given you the overview here of what needs to happen, which we've just gone to in great detail, right? It's you've got to start to communicate in terms of, you've got to communicate emotionally, not through— it's not your words. What you say is not important, right? Because you can say the exact same thing with two different tonalities. You can say exactly the same thing with two different body languages. You can say exactly the same thing with two different voice inflections, and one is going to create a positive emotion and one is going to create a negative emotion. That's why scripts don't really work, right? Because you can just say the script and it can produce a negative emotion. It's not the script that's working, it's the tonality, it's the voice, and ultimately it's the intention of what you're coming to that script with. If you're using the script with the intention of creating a positive emotion, it's going to work. If you come into the script with the intention of using it just to manipulate your spouse, or it's a magic bullet, it's not going to work. It's going to create a negative emotion, right? So, but you do need those frameworks for sure. You do need those frameworks, and you need to have the framework of how to have a conversation properly, how to do this. And it sounds ridiculous, right? How, how do you, uh, how to have a conversation properly? It sounds ridiculous, but ultimately it's like we don't know how to do that. And the results play that out. The results, we can see that in our lives, we can see that in our relationships, because every time we talk, we fight. Every time we talk, we create negative emotions. It's breaking down, it's breaking down, it's breaking down. So you've got to have those frameworks. So that, that, that's the key really. It's like you've got to raise your standards, you've got to have a different mindset and paradigm, and you've got to have the frameworks to really implement this stuff successfully. And if you you do that and you can do that, then there's a very, very good chance of your spouse coming back. Because here's the good news, it's easier for them to come back than it is to leave. It's easier for them to reconcile than it is to get a divorce. It's easier for them to continue with you than it is to start over again with somebody else. Leaving the relationship is very undesirable, it's very painful, it's very expensive, and it's very damaging to everybody involved. It's really a catastrophic thing, especially if you've been together for any length of time. So the reconciliation is in everybody's best interest. It's what they would want if they could do it. They just don't believe it's possible right now. That's all it is. They just don't believe it's possible. And that's where we're going to step in and we're going to use this change of mindset. We're going to use the change of paradigm. We're going to use the new way of communicating emotionally, not intellectually and just verbally, just using words and scripts. We're gonna— and we're gonna have frameworks to implement this stuff. So that's a little bit beyond the frameworks and all of that stuff. That's all a little bit beyond, but I'm telling you, there is hope here and you absolutely, positively can restore your marriage. So that's it for me, guys. Thank you so much for your attendance today. Thank you so much for your participation. God bless you. I love you all and can't wait to see you tomorrow. Bless you all.

Because of the hard work that I've done and what you've been able to create as as here it is, this is what you got to do. Um, Jen's now going, you know, um, you know, I'm just so in love with you, you know, like I'm actually falling in love with you again.

So today I've got with me Rob, and been working with Rob for actually not really a very long time, which is why I talk to him because I want to talk about how, how Rob has really been able to see some, some pretty dramatic changes in his marriage and give some steps on, on how that has happened. So you can see the changes that have taken place, and hopefully we can give you a little bit of insight into how you can implement some of those changes into your marriage as well. So, so welcome, Rob. So start out by tell us about, about where you were when we first came into contact, that first conversation we had, and where you were in your marriage and where your wife was with the marriage and stuff like that.

Yeah, look, thanks, um, yeah, look, we've been married, you know, 48 years, and we've been doing a lot of work on ourselves and, and on our marriage. But, um, even with that, there were struggles, obviously, because things happen in your life, you know, and you, you keep moving forward. And, and we were struggling in the sense that we just couldn't make that lovely connection. Um, I suppose, uh, we were tired or just not seeing ourselves as we really are, you know. And, you know, I love Jenny dramatically and, and had for a long— all my life. We met when we were 15, which has, you know, been really gorgeous for us. And so we were struggling and struggling to the point where we just didn't know what to do. And Jen happened to find Better Marriage and thought, this is— this won't work. You know, and then we started implementing the things that helped us, or we thought would help us. And so I would have to say that this was— this would save our marriage without fail. There's no doubt about that, because save it in the sense that we could have stayed together and still stay together because we've got grandkids and kids. But that's not a marriage, that's just a partnership that's you know, not even maybe a friendship. It's just there because you have to be. So I would have to say we were desperate to find something that works, uh, and works simplistically and works now, not, not in 12 months' time.

Awesome. Yeah, I think, I think one of the, the big things to point out as well is like when we first started working together, your, your wife really wasn't willing to participate in the process at all. She was— I mean, I remember our first conversation, that was, was one of the things you said. She's pretty much, she's pretty much given up, I believe, is, is, or words to those effect. Is that, is that, is that—

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I mean, even though she found— she was looking for something that works, that said, this is yours, you go and do it, you're gonna— we're gonna do something, but you know what, it's you, you got to do it. Um, and so therefore it was Yeah, it was either make it happen or else. Yeah, absolutely.

Because one of the, one of the big things I come into contact with all the time is, is, is men whose wives have decided that they're no longer going to participate, or that they're not willing to participate, or they've just given up on the relationship. So it's really a case of the man is by himself if he wants to save this relationship. He's on his own at this point. His wife is, is really checked out of that process. And I always tell people that there's loads of hope for you if that's your situation. I mean, would you agree with that, Rob?

Absolutely. Yeah, there is so much hope. I mean, Jen was definitely, you know, um, uh, not looking for another person— well, looking for someone. She was looking for me, the real me, and I wasn't there, you know. So he was telling me who it had to be. It was either going to be Richard Gere or, you know, one of those incredible guys. And, you know, when she married me, that's who I was, and that's who she's looking for. So that, that I'd have to say, yeah, she was like, it was sort of no hope for her, but create— this has created absolute hope, more than hope.

Yeah, yeah. So if we jump, if we jump forward, let's jump forward to the end, and, and then we can look at some of the, some of the steps that help. So, so where, where are you at I mean, we've been working together, what, about 6 weeks now, roughly, give or take, probably?

Yeah.

And what changes have you seen, Rob, in those 6 weeks? Where are you at now in your marriage?

Well, because of the hard work that I've done and what you've been able to create as, here it is, this is what you've got to do, Jen's now going, you know, I'm just so in love with you. You know, like, I'm actually falling in love with you again. Like, um, your face has changed. Um, I can't believe this. Like, this is really fantastic. So, uh, you know, enough to make you really feel very emotional about it. And, and for Jen too, she's going, wow, like, this works, this works. So we're, we're right there, we're very strong. And if something does happen Very short stop, gone. Okay, move on. Because we've got those tools and we know what the problem is, you know, and the problem is very simple. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, 100%. Yeah, we'll talk about that in a second. You bring up a very good point there. It's about willingness to do the work, right? So one of the things, you know, people ask me all the time is how long does it take to turn a marriage around? And the answer is, well, how long does it take for you to change? How long does it take for you to, to, to change? How teachable are you? How much willing to work? How much work are you willing to do? How much, how much time? So yeah, I think it's good you say there that do the hard work. You got to do the hard work, right? There's no, there's no magic panacea here. There's no magic, no magic statement or no magic, magic script that's going to get you there. But if you're willing to do the work, then 100% the results can be there. So what, what were some of the things, Rob, that, that that really in your mind helped you turn this around?

Um, first of all, the realization of what our marriage clicked on, which was, you know, like hysteria or stress. And it seemed like— I always thought that I wasn't, you know, from a family that was stressful, but in reality, obviously I did somewhere. It was somewhere. And Jen's family was very stressful. So you come together, and how we how we related was in stress. So, you know, once I realized that, I just stopped the stress, full stop. I said, this is it, I'm not going to keep being in this stressful situation. So I made that very absolute decision, no stress. So as soon as I get upset or something, or I'll be upset about it, or Jenna would say something, I think that's not right, I just go, you know what, We just start again. I think what you talked about, about drawing a line in the sand— with 48 years of marriage and even longer in regards to our relationship starting at 15, there's so much past, but it's not important. The only most important thing is the moment now and what we're going to do from here on. We can fix the other things, you know, the other things that are out there that are in the past, but you can't do it if you hate each other and you're not happy. So it was about Simplistically going, I'm going to do the work, you give me the tools, I'll go and implement it. Hope— seeing my wife the way I want to see it. I think that was one of the most critical things, seeing my wife the way I want her to be, not, you know, she's angry or she's upset or she's not listening. And then, and then I could revert or say that back to her, like, I want you to see me how you want me to be. And, um, yeah, they were very powerful statements without fail.

Yeah, thank you, thank you. Yeah, it's absolutely critical. How you, how you think about your wife is going to determine how you feel about your wife, and how you feel about it's going to determine how you act towards her, and how you act towards her is obviously going to bring about your reality. It's how she's going to respond back. And, and this is something I try to get across all the time. It's like, if you change how you see your wife, the wife you see will change.

Oh, perfect. Absolutely. And there's no doubt. Yeah, yeah, no doubt about that. That's 100% the best statement in the whole thing, is see the person you want her to be and that's who she will be.

Let her grow into the expectation. Have a good expectation for her and give her the opportunity to, to, to grow into that expectation.

Yep.

Yeah, and that will work, will work many, many times. So we do, we do group sessions as well. So a lot of people are kind of skeptical about the, the group environment. I mean, for me, it's like it's the best way to get the results, really. So I know you've done both. You've done, you've done individual therapy sessions in, in the traditional sense, and of course you've been with, with me as well doing the, the group environment. What, what are your thoughts on the group environment, Rob?

Beneficial to everybody involved. There's so much experience and so much information there that we need to share, and we do share. And each— although there's each individual relationship's different, there's such a common thread that you can sew it all together and go, well, even if there was 40 guys on the screen, it, you know, there's just so many simple things about it that you can go, this will work, this will work. And as each of us grow, we can then share that and go, well, this is where I was and here I am now. Keep doing this. So it's so beneficial. And you know, you only say what you want to say. It's confidential. Everyone is protective of each other in the sense that we don't want to harm each other. And the information that comes out, we get to know the guys' wives, our wives' names, and that's great because she, you know, they're there with you. Um, fantastic. And, and, you know, the more the merrier. Absolutely fantastic tool for, um, for us to move forward.

Yeah, I think, I think one of the, the main things that for all of us really in every aspect of life, like, one of the hardest things is to actually get out of your own head. Yeah, it's like when we're in our own head, we have this tendency to believe that our problems are unique to us and our problems are beyond reach and beyond help, right? Whereas the reality is there's only probably— there's only a handful of problems that exist in marriages. There's only 5 or 6 problems really that recur over and over again. It's like they take on different disguises and they take on different formats, but ultimately it's the same 5 or 6 problems. And when you can see that in, in other people and you can see, uh, actually how easy the solution is, a lot of times, right, it's amazing when somebody else is, is describing their problem to you, it's like, man, this is the easiest problem in the world to fix. But when it's your problem, you're so— you're so— you can't see the forest for the trees, right? It's like when it's your problem, you're so emotionally involved with it, it's very hard to see how simple the solution to the problem really is. But when you can see the problem in other people, and the solution becomes very, very simple indeed, for sure. Like, one of the things I like to say— I know you like, Rob— is like, the, the solution to your problems is it's simple. On the far side of complexity.

Absolutely. I mean, that's, that's absolutely— it's so simple and yet so complex. And, and then as other guys bring up their situation, you go, well, that, that I've got that worked out because I've already done that, or I, I could do that now. It's so— yeah, the group meetings and demonstrating the simplicity of it. You know, we're males, keep it simple, one thing at a time, we do. To be able to go, right, give me this job to do, or give me 5 things that work, you know, or 5 things to focus on. We can do that, you know. So it's simple, it's not complicated. Yeah, it is. And, you know, recently we had someone come on and share with the other thing, I think, with the group meetings, was, was one of the guys said, you know, it's very emotional for me And he really appreciated being able to share the emotion where he couldn't have done that. He said, I think that was really important. You know, he was by himself. Often we're by ourselves in this situation. We don't want to share it with anybody, and he could share it. And I was taken aback by that because I thought, that's really great. He could share an emotion in our group.

Absolutely, absolutely. So if you could give any advice So what you've learned and the turnaround in your situation, what would it be, Rob, if someone listened to this? What would you tell them if they're in a position where their wife wants out, they've asked for a divorce, or they're just in a situation where it's a very unhappy marriage but they're going to stay together because it's easier to stay together than to leave?

Um, not necessary. Um, the essence that you had with that person many, many years ago is just buried somewhere amongst all the rubbish that's in that marriage that we've had and move forward. Don't let the plane go down. We might be gliding at the moment, is how I know you describe it, but you know what, we can take up and soar by just simply listening to what we do in this method, which is simple. You have hope, you make sure you reconcile, you share how you really feel, you have patience, and you make that person that you want to stay with the most single most important person in your life. And you might have thought you were doing it, but with this process, it allows you to show you how to do it. It guides you back into that direction. So to me, don't give up. There's hope. You don't have to get a divorce. To me, you know, you can, you can work in there and stay with it. And your kids will be happier, your grandkids will be happier, your wife will be happier, and our community will be happy because relationships are so important, so important. Families, stick with it and come along for the ride with us and have a go. Let's make it happen.

Well said, well said, Robin. And the thing I'll leave everybody with is like the understanding that you don't know what you don't know. You don't know what you don't know. People say, I've tried everything, and it's like, well, that's really not a true statement. You've tried everything you know to try. You've tried everything that, that is comfortable for you to try. You certainly, you certainly haven't tried everything because you don't know what you don't know. And I, I'm here to say that there is hope for your marriage. It doesn't— I don't, I don't care where you are in your marriage right now. I don't care what's happened. I don't care what's been said. There is, there is hope for you to turn your marriage around. And I, you know, I know that's true 100%, and it's why I've brought Rob on today, because he knows it's true as well. And it's like, regardless of where you move forward at this point, don't give up. Don't give up hope, because as long as there's life in the body, as long as there's breath in the body, there is, there is hope for your marriage. It can be turned around with the right strategies, with the, with the right steps, and with the right attitude. Really, that's the main thing, with the right attitude. When, when the attitude is right, the facts don't matter. Don't be deceived by the facts that your relationship is presenting to you right now, because with the right attitude, facts simply don't matter. So anything you want to say to, to wrap us up here, Rob?

Um, no, just thank you, Cody. And Jen says thank you also. And, um, yeah, because this is part of our life's work in the— somewhere down the past, because we've been together so long. Um, just, just anyone that hears this or sees this, join us, ask the questions, get in, have a go, and make it happen. Because it's life-changing work. Without fail, it works.