Cody ButlerCody Butler · Men Relationship Coach

Take responsibility and she'll mirror you

18 Jun 2026 · 1 min

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1:12

Cody Butler explains how spouses mirror each other's approach to conflict. When one partner takes responsibility for marital problems instead of assigning blame, the other is statistically more likely to do the same. Blame-shifting typically triggers defensiveness and more blame-shifting in return.

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If you go to your wife today and say, "You need to change in this marriage," you're going to get a very negative response. If you go to her, if she's saying that she wants out and she's adamant and say, "We need to change, we need to fix this marriage," you're going to get a very negative response from her. You're going to get something along the lines of, "Well, I support your decision to make those changes and the person after me is going to really benefit from those. So that's fantastic. I'm happy for you." If you go to your wife and say, I am responsible for the breakdown of this marriage, and I alone am responsible for working on myself, the most probabilistic response you're going to get is, well, it takes two. I appreciate you saying this, but you're not alone in your responsibility. When you take full responsibility for what's happened, the most probabilistic outcome is she's going to start to take some responsibility. Well, you're shifting blame. The most probabilistic outcome is she's going to shift some blame. When you, when you outsource all of the blame, the most probabilistic outcome is she's going to outsource all of the blame. She's mirroring you, man. She's mirroring you.