The Anxious Husband Pattern Destroying Your Marriage

Hey, so in this video I want to talk to you about a husband's guide to anxious attachment. So if this is your first time here, my name is Cody Butler and this advice really is tailored to men that are in late-stage marriage crisis, divorce situations, and this anxious attachment style is really hurting the marriage. Your goal is to save the marriage and I'm going to give you some, some strategies on how to overcome this and how to do this. So in this video we're going to cover exactly what is it, what is Anxious attachment. We're going to look at do you have it, and also we're going to talk about how to overcome it and what are some strategies that you can use to move forward. And a lot of this stuff is going to be stuff I guarantee that you've never seen anywhere else. So let's start out with, you're here probably because you believe you have anxious attachment, right? So you've no doubt been spending time researching this on the internet, watching YouTube videos like this. And you've come to the conclusion that you maybe have anxious attachment. Maybe some of the symptoms are that you've suddenly become needy. You can't stop thinking about your wife. It's been— you think about her all the time. Why you're checking your phone every 5 minutes, checking messages, why you're obsessing over every single text message, why everything is all of a sudden so important to you and has so much significance. And maybe you don't even recognize yourself anymore. You're turning into somebody that you don't like, maybe, or you don't recognize. So we're going to look at all of that. And you've done some research and you've come to the conclusion maybe that you have anxious attachment. So a lot of times, for the first time, you're going to feel that everything makes sense. Once you understand that, it's like everything makes sense now. The diagnosis actually brings relief. And that makes a lot of sense, right? You're not crazy. You're not alone. There's nothing wrong with you. And when you actually come to the conclusion or you get the diagnosis of anxious attachment, then this diagnosis, it really truly does have value to the situation and it does give you usable information, but only if you use it as the beginning of the conversation and not the end, right? And what do I mean by By that, it's like being diagnosed as an alcoholic. All you know now is that you have a problem with alcohol. Like, being diagnosed an alcoholic doesn't remove any of the consequences of being an alcoholic or any of the behaviors involved in being an alcoholic, any of that stuff. All it does is it accurately describes the behavior that you are engaging in right now. And the same is true with anxious attachment. It has value in the fact that it's descriptive. It describes the behavior that you're engaging in right now. Once we can actually see that and we put a, we put a name to it, we put a name to a face or a face to a name, so to speak, makes it really easy to, to move forward and change the behavior. So some key understandings here are that your diagnosis of anxious attachment may very well be accurate. I certainly don't doubt that. You certainly probably are experiencing anxious attachment or you wouldn't be watching this right now. I'm also not disputing that understanding this diagnosis is reducing confusion in your life. These are the things that are true and not in dispute. But the questions that I ask that may create some dispute is, has this diagnosis of anxious attachment— has it actually transformed your marriage? Has it actually changed anything? Or is it just giving you some understanding Without transformation. Because here's the thing, right? I'm imagining you're not here because you're looking for an explanation of what's going on. You're looking for transformation within your marriage. The men that I work with, the men that typically watch these videos, are looking for solutions. They want to save their marriage. They don't want to understand what's gone wrong, although that is helpful and interesting in finding the solution. But ultimately, it comes down to— You want to save your marriage. You want to win your wife back. You want to save your family. And simply getting an accurate diagnosis, diagnosis of your attachment style does nothing to change the situation within your marriage. It just gives you some relief as to what's going on. So let's move this to the next level. Now we have a description of what's going on in your life. The diagnosis is telling us that you're anxious. Let's look at what's causing it, and more importantly, how to get rid of it. And even more importantly than that, why is this happening, right? So what is anxious attachment? So we're on the same page because we may have different definitions, right? Well, the conventional explanation is going to use terminology like fear of abandonment. Maybe you have a fear of abandonment, need, constant need for reassurance, hypervigilance in situations. Pursuing closeness with your wife, uh, having difficulty in tolerating uncertainty, needing that, that constant reassurance, right? And obviously needy, controlling behavior coming out of that, which certainly isn't good. Now, are these conventional explanations of your behavior that are attached to the diagnosis useful? Yes, absolutely, they're useful. It explains the behavior that you're engaging in right now, but are they complete? No, because as I've just said, it explains the behavior. It doesn't explain the mechanism driving that behavior. Now again, let me use the alcoholic, the alcoholism example here. Like getting a diagnosis as an alcohol— an alcoholic, it explains your behavior. You're drinking too much, you're drinking all the time, you're engaged in excessive alcohol consumption. It does not explain the mechanism that's driving that childhood trauma. self-esteem, all these things, right? There are many things that are driving the behavior, or the mechanisms, let's say, underneath the behavior that's actually causing it. These are the things that actually create the transformation. Understanding the mechanism driving the behavior is significantly more important than understanding the behavior itself, because again, to say that you're an alcoholic or be diagnosed as an alcoholic is Somewhat useful, maybe, but the reason you're drinking, it doesn't, it doesn't eliminate the reason you're drinking, right? If we want to change your life, if we want to transform your life, then we have to change your behavior. We have to understand the mechanism. Same is true here with anxious attachment. That explains your behavior. It doesn't explain the mechanism that's driving the behavior. Why do you feel like this is the best path forward to get the result that you're looking for? So some key understandings here. is that the diagnosis describes behavior. Diagnosis in and of itself is not transformation by any stretch of the imagination. Or to put it another way, a diagnosis tells you what you're doing. And now you've been diagnosed as an alcoholic, you're drinking, tells us what you're doing. It doesn't tell us what you need to do to stop engaging in that behavior. So let's talk about The relief trap and why diagnosis feels so powerful. It really, it really is a huge relief when we finally get an explanation. It's like, I get it now. That's me. That explains my behavior. I'm an anxious attac— I have anxious attachment disorder, or any of these things, right? Because before the diagnosis, you, you experience, this makes no sense to me. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? This isn't normal. I shouldn't be feeling this way. After the diagnosis, or after you understand that you're experiencing anxious attachment disorder right now, that's how you attach to people. It creates immediate relief, right? Because it, it puts you in a category. It gives an explanation to your behavior. You're not abnormal. There's not something wrong with you. It reduces confusion. It produces relief, and it's like I get it now. I understand. Why I'm doing what I'm doing. And again, it is great that this is very powerful because relief is important, right? We want to feel that relief, that release from the stress and the pressure. But at the same time, the danger is that we think that the relief is transformation. It isn't. It's simply relief, and we don't want to confuse the two. So we get the diagnosis, we figure out this is what's going on, but then nothing changes in your life, right? Nothing changes in your marriage. Because you now understand that you, you have anxious attachment doesn't change the marriage, right? It's still collect— this— the marriage is still collapsing, your wife's still leaving, the anxiety still exists, you're still struggling to get through the day. The behavior surrounding it, the control, the neediness, all of the behaviors that actually come out of anxious attachment, they still continue in your life. So for all intents and purposes, nothing in your life changes, and certainly the trajectory of the marriage doesn't change either. So The, the key understanding here is that a diagnosis without transformation, it eventually just becomes an excuse. Eventually, if you don't use the diagnosis to uncover the mechanism, to uncover what the mechanism is trying to achieve— and we're going to cover that in the remainder of this video— then eventually you just start to use the diagnosis as an excuse. You start to say, well, yes, I'm behaving in a way that's not conducive to saving my marriage, but it's because I have an anxious attachment disorder, or I'm behaving this way, but it's not my fault because— so you're not here because you're looking for excuses, right? You're looking— you're here because you're looking to save your marriage. You're looking for transformation. So The question that I have is, do you want explanations as to why your marriage is failing, or do you want the skills and the tools necessary to transform your marriage? So again, being diagnosed as an alcoholic doesn't change the pain that your wife is experiencing from your alcoholism, and it doesn't stop the collapse of your marriage. It simply explains your— it simply gives you— it doesn't even explain your behavior. It simply gives you A description of your behavior, right? Just simply tells the other, other people what behavior you're engaging in. So let's get to the meat and potatoes now. Let's look at, uh, what's actually going on. Like, so, so the anxious attachment is looking to solve a problem. It's a mechanism that's designed to solve a problem. So let's look at that and uncover it. So the thing to understand here is that every behavior that you or anybody else engage in is simply an effort to solve a problem. So every behavior has a purpose. So if you saw my video on being avoidant, if your wife has an avoidant attachment style, then she's avoiding pain. Her— the avoidant attachment simply is the— as the diagnosis simply explains and describes, it's a descriptor of the behavior that she's engaging in. She is avoiding something. She is avoiding attachment. She's avoiding it. But that behavior is a mechanism that has a purpose, and the purpose of the avoidance is to avoid pain. So every behavior that you engage in, or any other human being engages in, essentially comes down to one of two, one of two paths, right? It's an attempt to create pleasure in your life, or it's an attempt to reduce pain in your life. Now, when we understand that anxious behavior, although it may seem irrational or on the surface, it isn't irrational at all. It's simply trying to solve a problem. We just don't understand what that problem is, right? So the next question that we have to ask is, well, what, what behavior, what, what problem is it trying to solve? So our key understanding here in this scenario Is that every behavior somebody engages in, whether it's you, your wife, or anybody else, is that person's— what that person believes is the best solution to the problem that they believe that they are experiencing. And when we understand that, then all behavior in fact has a positive intention. It's trying to solve a problem. Problem behavior is not a problem because the person is problematic and they just like to cause pain. This is a big problem with narcissistic diagnoses, right? People think that people just get engaged in behavior because they're mean or because they like to see other people suffer. No, this is not what's happening at all. This is a very infantile and overly simplistic view of the situation. The pro— the behavior that that person is engaging in is designed to solve a problem, and one of those 2 problems is, is present pleasure or pain. That is it. So the behavior itself is not the problem. The behavior is actually the solution that you're engaging in to the problem, for the problem, right? The current solution for the problem. The question is, is it the best path forward, right? So what problem then does creating anxiety solve? What problem are you trying to solve? Well, then when the pain becomes unbearable in the situation that you're in, the mind concludes that if I can get her back, if I can get her to give me another chance, if she— if I can save this marriage, if she answers my messages, if she says— if she says she still loves me, if I'm able to get the response or the outcome that I'm looking for, Then my pain will stop. Ultimately, this is the problem that you are trying to solve. You want your pain to stop, and you've associated all of these mechanisms— getting her back, getting another chance, getting positive responses— you've associated those as the mechanism that will ultimately cause your pain to stop. So you become anxiously attached to this outcome because it becomes very important to you, because if you can get this outcome, then your pain will stop. So ultimately what is happening here is on the surface you seem to be chasing your wife. The anxious attachment style manifests itself as chasing the wife, being obsessive, controlling, all these things, right? But in reality, that's just the behavior. That's just the behavior that you're engaging in. What you're actually seeking is relief from the pain. So the relationship that you're trying to save becomes the mechanism that you believe will control and regulate your emotional pain. If you can get control of this relationship, then effectively your pain goes away. So this ultimately is not about the relationship at all. This is about pain relief. And when you understand that, you, you can start to see that the behaviors that you're engaging in that are causing the anxiety are misplaced. And if those activities and those behaviors are not going to produce the outcome that you want, that it— that is pain relief, then Then the necessity to engage in those behaviors simply just goes away. They no longer have a purpose. Anxiety exists in your life because it serves a purpose. And when you understand what the purpose is and that anxiety is not going to get you that outcome, then the pain, then the need for it just simply vanishes. It goes away. So a key understanding, or the key understandings here, is the anxious husband isn't addicted to his wife, although that may be how it The alcoholic isn't addicted to alcohol. He's addicted to the relief that the substance or the wife or the situation provides. When a man drinks, he experiences relief from stress or pain, and that is actually what he's addicted to— the relief, the state change, not the alcohol. When you're addicted to your wife, or you're obsessed and anxious about saving the marriage. This is not what's going on. You're addicted to the relief that you think it's going to produce. So ultimately, your behavior is simply trying to solve a pain, right? But then the question becomes, is this, is this the most effective strategy? The alcoholic solves, solves one problem by creating 3 more. Yes, he gets temporary relief, but he creates 3 more problems. And when the alcoholic understands that he's not actually addicted to alcohol, he's addicted— he's simply seeking to alleviate pain, and that the alcohol is actually causing more pain, then the need for alcohol diminishes and eventually goes away because he realizes that it's actually an ineffective strategy. And the same is true here. The anxiety is simply an ineffective strategy to get what you want. Anxiety is not going to help you get your wife back, your marriage back, or eliminate pain. In fact, it's going to do the opposite. So why does this anxious behavior fail? Well, the anxious behavior makes sense, but again, does it produce the outcome, outcome that you're looking for? Drinking makes sense if you're stressed out. Drinking makes sense, but does it actually solve the problem or does it create more? So in the moment Chasing, begging, pleading, overexplaining, consistent, constant reassurance seeking, monitoring her mood, obsessive texting— all of these things, drinking, makes sense in the moment. And it's— it, in the moment, it, it points at what you're looking for, which is pain, pain relief. But in reality, does it? Let's ask the question: do any of these things reduce anxiety or reduce the cause of the anxiety, which is the fracture of the relationship and the instability with the Within the relationship? I would suggest that the answer is no. So you have to ask the question, are these behaviors here which we engage in when we're in a state of anxious attachment, do they create connection? Do they create respect? Do they create attraction? Do they create safety? Do they create any of the things that we're actually truly looking for? Or are they increasing pressure, distance, and withdrawal within the relationship, which actually ultimately is just simply going to create more pain, more anxiety? So what we need to understand here is that a behavior can make perfect sense and it can still move you further away from the outcome that you're trying to create. And this is one of the challenges that I have with the men that I work with, is that the behavior in the moment makes sense to you, but it still damages the relationship. Saving a marriage is a very counterintuitive process. Because the behavior in the moment can make sense while at the same time moving you further away from your outcome. So the question isn't whether your behavior is understandable. Does the diagnosis now make it understandable? The question is whether this behavior is now effective or not. A diagnosis of being an alcoholic may— maybe makes your behavior understandable. You can say, well, it's a disease and it's been Proven to be inherited and genetic and all of these things. Maybe true, maybe not true. Irrelevant. The question is not, is it understandable why you're an alcoholic? The question is, is it an effective strategy to get the outcome that I'm looking for? Now you have a diagnosis of anxious attachment disorder or whatever, any diagnosis. The question is not, does this make this situation more understandable? Of course it does. The question is, does it move you to your out— towards your outcome? Does it move you closer to the goal that you're trying to achieve? So the questions that actually change, or the question that changes your situation, because that's ultimately what you want, is you have to stop asking the question, where does this anxiety come from, coming from, why, or why am I so anxious, why do I have this anxious, anxious attachment, and start asking What pain am I trying to escape from? What outcome am I trying to create in my life? And is this behavior the best outcome to that or best pathway to that outcome? Now that goes beyond the scope of this video, but if you want some help with that, I've got some links to resources in the description, some workshops. And if you want to work with me on this, I work with men to help you uncover the answers to these questions because once you do, the need for the anxiety goes away, the purpose that it's serving. goes away, the pain goes away, and the marriage tends to return at that point. So what needs to happen here is your behavior needs to be evaluated strategically, not emotionally or not psychologically, not from the point of view, I understand, I understand my— this makes sense now. I have anxious attachment disorder. Now my behavior makes sense. No, no, that's, that's not going to get it if you want the outcome. And a psychological explanation is not going to get it either. You have to ask the question, or you have to evaluate your behavior strategically. Is this moving me towards my outcome? Is this behavior serving me, or is it harming me? And then that becomes your North Star, your guiding light. So some key understandings here is transformation begins when you stop asking. What is this behavior? And start asking, what is the purpose? Or what purpose is it serving? What is this behavior? It's anxious attachment. We know that. That's not going to get you anywhere. The better question is, what purpose is it serving? So let's, let's look at what this is here. So diagnosis in every situation is simply descriptive. That's all it is. It's not transformational, is behavioral. The diagnosis describes the behavior that you're engaging in. It doesn't cause transformation. Transformation comes from new behavior. Transformation is not accessed through new information, is accessed through radically aggressively seeking out and radically implementing, aggressively implementing new behavior. Your behavior actually changes when your thinking changes. When you see a situation differently, your behavior changes. Or to put it another way, your thinking changes when your interpretation of the situation changes. So the conclusion to that is new behavior creates new outcome. A diagnosis does not create an outcome. New behavior creates an outcome. And freedom comes when your peace is no longer dependent On those previous outcomes. So key understanding here is diagnosis explains your current behavior. New thinking creates new behavior. New behavior creates transformation. The diagnosis that you have, or the conclusions that you've come to, it's not your identity. It's not who you are. You're not wired that way. It's not because of child— none of that stuff, childhood trauma, any of that stuff. It's simply a description of how you've been trying to solve the pain that you're currently experiencing and how to get out of the problems that you no longer want to experience. It's merely a description of that. So the identity shifts here is that the anxious husband seeks relief from his problems through his wife. The transformed husband creates the relief that he's seeking within him, within himself. He no longer needs constant reassurance, immediate certainty, or approval to regulate his emotions. The need for the anxiety goes away. So the key understanding is your wife was never designed to regulate your emotions, to remove your anxiety. The solution ultimately is emotional sovereignty. It replaces the emotional dependency, which when you're emotionally sovereign, there's no room for anxious attachment whatsoever. So the goal is not to stop feeling anxious here. The goal is to become a man who no longer needs anxiety or anxious behavior to create peace within his life. So my final question and conclusion here is, do you want an explanation for your behavior, or in other words, a diagnosis, or do you want to become a man who no longer needs the behavior? The behavior. Do you want— and do you want to have a diagnosis of anxious attachment, or do you want to become a man who no longer needs that anxious attachment behavior to solve the problems and eliminate the pain? So that's it for me. If you like this video, give me a thought, give us a thumbs up, subscribe, leave, leave a comment. I always like to read your comments and it really helps with the algorithm. I appreciate you all and we'll see you in the next video.