Trying to Stop a Divorce? This Is Your First Move Is to Stop Making It Worse

Hey, Cody Butler here. In this video, I want to talk about maybe you find yourself in a situation where your wife's asking for a divorce and you don't want that. You're in the right place because I'm going to talk about the biggest mistake that men make when their wives ask for divorce, how to avoid that mistake, and how to actually turn the situation around. So let's get started here. So the situation here is we're talking about late-stage marriage crisis, and what happens in that divorce scenario is most men, they panic. They overreact to the situation. They start searching endlessly for tactics. It might be why you're here. You're looking, you found this video, you're looking for tactics. They'll consume red pill manipulation content and they may try and probably will try psychological tricks, control manipulation to start to control the situation. Very normal. This is what happens most of the time. So they're looking for that one move, that one strategy, that one script, that one tactic that is going to change her mind, that's going to turn the situation around and the The truth of the matter is that one move does not exist, but I am going to share with you some strategies in this video that are going to give you your very best chance of doing that. So they look, they look for the strategy that's going to instantly change everything, reverse the divorce, restore the attraction, regain control of the marriage, all of these things, right? So why do men become vulnerable? To the idea of tactics like this in a situation? Well, it's because most of the men that I work with, they're highly competent men. They're very successful in business, maybe sport, leadership, great at negotiation. They have— they're very competent men and they have a high level of competency in many areas. But here's the key thing to understand: competency is domain-specific. Or in other words, if you take any man out of their area of expertise, you're dealing fundamentally with an idiot, with an imbecile. Now, I'm really, really, really good at helping men save their marriage, but if you put me behind a dental chair, dentist chair, in a dentist office and ask me to do a root canal on somebody, you're dealing with a very incompetent person. So the mistake is to believe that competency is something that's universal, when actually the truth is competency is domain specific. And many of the men that show up that I work with, they have— they're very skillful in business or other areas of life, but unfortunately those skills do not transfer directly into marriage. So they try— they apply tactics that work very well in other areas of life, such as scarcity pressure, manufactured authority, checklist problem solving, a lot of different tactics and strategies that in the business environment or other environments. They're very, very effective. But here's the thing, right? You're not in the business environment right now, or you're not in a work environment or any other environment. You're in a— you're inside of an emotional system. You're operating inside of somebody else's nervous system. You're dealing with attachment dynamics. You're dealing with emotional safety. You're dealing with a lot of skills that most men simply have— they have no education No training and no practice in. And in the same way that if you put me behind a dentist chair and asked me to do a root canal, I would be completely incompetent simply because I have no training. If you gave me the 4 years of medical school and then you gave me some training and you— I got the experience, then I could become highly competent in those areas. And this is the key: you have to look at the marriage as an emotional system, not something else, and understand the that the competency in operating that system is going to come from outside of areas that you already understand. And these are learnable skills. This is something that you can learn and, and affect, even though you may not have those skills now. So effectively, what's going on here, the core problem is that the man's using a screwdriver to drive a nail. He's using the wrong tool in the wrong environment. He doesn't understand fundamentally the environment that he's operating in, the skills that are required, what works and what doesn't work, and that the competency for that environment is very different for another one. Of course, the result of that is going to be a proper mess created. So psychological tricks, which most men are looking for— so tell me what to say, Cody, tell me what to do, Cody, how do I, how do I apologize, should I write her a letter— well, these are strategies that fundamentally exist to control the environment, manipulate outcomes, and exert pressure externally on the situation. But what they actually do is create chaos, instability, emotional pressure, and it's the exact opposite of what she needs. So if you want to solve a problem, it's very critical that you actually understand the problem that you're solving. And if you understand the wrong problem, or you think you have the wrong problem, you're going to come up with the wrong solution. So fundamentally, the reason why your wife wants out of the marriage, or she's outside of the marriage right now, or looking to leave the marriage, is because she's looking for some pressure relief. That's fundamentally what it comes down to. Now, there are a ton of ways you can get pressure relief. You can— alcohol, cocaine, having an affair, isolation, asking for a divorce— all of these things are mechanisms that create that. But every man will be in a situation where his wife is using a different mechanism to create that emotional relief. And that pressure relief. But ultimately, those are just mechanisms that are pointing to the outcome, and the outcome is she wants— the pressure within the marriage has become too much. She needs relief. She can't get that relief within the marriage, so now she's stepping outside of the marriage, however that looks, whatever format that's taken for her. So when you use strategies or tactics that create more instability, that create more emotional pressure, that create more chaos for her, Which is exactly— this is exactly what most men do in this situation to try to get control of the situation. Not because they're controlling, this is just because the mechanism that they have available to them. All you do is you teach your wife that there's no relief available within the marriage. She's now stepped outside of the marriage, however that looks. There's no relief outside of the marriage while you're involved in that situation. So now she goes to— she'll go to option number 3. Which is the only relief available to her is outside of the marriage, with you being disconnected from that completely, which causes her to escalate and makes it even harder for you to turn this situation around. So the real problem that's going on here is that the man believes that externally controlling the situation, environmental manipulation, changing her behavior, changing the relationship externally— and when I say environmental manipulation, etc., I'm not necessarily talking about nefarious activity. So I have a client I was working with recently where he's like, I'm going to move, I'm going to move us, I'm going to buy a house in an area that she's always wanted to live in. And this is, this is the environmental manipulation, right? He's changing the environment, thinking that the problem exists externally to the relationship or out there somewhere, that she wants something that she doesn't have physically, when actually she's looking for relief within the relationship. And changing your house or your town or any of those things, it just doesn't change anything in terms of the The experience. So I always say that there's 2 elements to fixing a marriage here. There's the destination that the man is taking the woman to, but then there's also who's in the car driving to that destination. So quite often what's going on is the man wants to go, or the woman wants to go to the beach, and the man's driving the car to the mountains. So he's taking her to the wrong destination, and the solution obviously is to turn the car around and start heading to where she wants to Go, but then there's also the element of who's in the car with her. If she doesn't like the person that she's with, the man that she's with, i.e., you in this case, it doesn't matter what the destination is. She's not going to have a good time. So that's really, really important to understand. So the solution here exists internally. When you understand that what she's doing, why she's leaving this marriage fundamentally, is she needs some pressure relief. And I'm dumbing this down. I'm simplifying this because this is a 30-minute YouTube video. We go into this, there's a ton more to this, which go into with the men I work with in the Win Your Wife Back program, exactly how to do this, but, and why she's leaving, all of those things. There's some links in the description if you want to learn about that or get some more information. But what she actually needs right now is stability. She needs predictability. She needs regulation, and she needs emotional safety from you. And of course, just based on the situation, she's just asked for divorce. She's put, she's put you into a state of fear, anxiety, stress, depression. And stability, predictability, regulation, and emotional safety are really the last things that she's going to get out of a man that are in in that condition. So he's instinctively going to want to do things that do the exact opposite to what she's going to need. So the big change here, the big the big reframe or the big paradigm shift is the solution is to stop trying to control the environment and start trying to. stabilize yourself, start trying to reduce the pressure which is present within the marriage. I'm going to give you some— I'm going to give you a really great philosophy to do that and some tips to do that right now. So internal chaos shows up externally, uh, or that external chaos reduces when your personal internal chaos reduces, right? So the marriage is just a reflection of the man. If the marriage is in chaos, It's because the man's in chaos. If you want to stabilize the marriage, you have to stabilize the man, and that starts internally. And the strategy, the mechanism to start to do that in its simplest format is to adopt a strategy of no unforced errors. And the way to look at this is the no unforced errors strategy, meaning that just don't screw things up unnecessarily, right? This is going to make a massive difference when a man is put in a divorce situation and he's everything that he believes about himself to be true and everything that his reality becomes questionable, it creates a huge amount of destabilization. And understandably so, right? His family's on the line, his finances are on the line, his wife's on the line. Everything that he thought was stable is now gone or is threatened. And this is going to create a very destabilizing situation which is going to force him, or it's going to tend to create an environment where he starts to add things to the marriage. What if I add this? What if I add that? But the actual— this is the wrong thing to do. The true strategy that works is a strategy of subtraction, not one of addition. And let me just show this to you, right? So the critical insight to understand here is you have everything you need already to save this marriage without any additions. So she said yes to who you are without all of these things being added. She's already chosen you. She's already said yes to you. She's already agreed to a life with you based on what was already present. And this marriage did not begin in— when it started out with tactics, manipulation, leverage, pressure, any of these things. And when I say stuff like pressure, again, it's not necessarily, uh, nefarious. It's pointing out the damage that this is going to do to her future, pointing out the damage that this is going to do to the children, the point of the pointing out all of these things. Which inadvertently create leverage. These are inadvertent tactics that when you point out that this is going to damage her reputation, this is going to damage the, the children, this is going to do it, you are applying pressure to the situation. You're applying pressure to her, maybe completely innocently, but nevertheless, it's applying pressure to her and it's creating chaos. And these are the— in your attempt to save the marriage, you're creating the very thing that she's looking to escape from. And I think you can see this just isn't going to end up well. So when you started this relationship, when you were dating this woman, you didn't use all of these things. You just showed up grounded. You showed up stable. You showed up authentic. You showed up as the real genuine version of you, and she said yes to that. So the reason now that the marriage is falling apart is because That additions entered into the relationship. Bad habits started showing up. Emotional instability started showing up. Pressure started showing up. She said yes to you to start with, so nothing needs to be added. Everything is there. What she is now saying no to are the additions that have come into the relationship, the deal breakers. So again, when I'm— when working with men personally one-to-one or in my Winning Your Wife Back program, Is the question is, what's she moving away from? What is she moving away from? Most men make the mistake of looking at, at the marriage and going, she's leaving the marriage with me, so therefore she must be moving towards something with somebody else. And this is, although sometimes can be the case, very rarely is the case. She's moving away from something within the marriage as deal breakers. I can't live with this within the marriage. Maybe it's the emotional instability, maybe it's your moves, maybe it's the alcohol use, maybe you've Something, I don't know, it could be any one of a number of things. But 9 times out of 10, she's not moving towards something else. She's moving away from something that has shown up within the marriage that wasn't there originally. Remove that, and you remove her reasons to leave the marriage. So what the additionals, the additions that entered into the relationship, it could be control, could be resentment, could be unhealthy behaviors, emotional dependency upon her. Etc., etc. So our strategy here, man, if we want to, uh, start to turn this marriage around, get her to change her mind, reconsider, is you have to remove the destabilizing elements that are within the marriage. Stabilize the man, stabilize the marriage, you stabilize the woman. She's looking to move away from the destabilization, and right now she's seeing the only way she can stabilize herself is to actually exit the marriage. Remove the destabilizing Factors and you stand a chance of saving the marriage. And adopt no more tactics. This is not about adding more tactics or adding more strategies. This just simply isn't going to help anything. It's actually going to make the situation worse. So another philosophy here that we can adopt that's going to help you is the philosophy that Set Plays Wins Games. When you get emotional, when, when she challenges the marriage, when she threatens the marriage and your emotional level goes up, You're going to struggle to remain that. You're going to struggle to retain that stabilization that she needs. The higher level, the higher the level of emotion, the lower level, the lower the level of intelligence. They have an inversely proportional relationship. This is why when we have fights, we say things that we don't mean, and then the next day we go, what was I thinking? Well, you weren't thinking. You were effectively drunk. You were emotionally drunk. She triggered you. Your emotion went up, your intelligence went down. You were effectively acting as a drunk at that point within the marriage, and this is why you don't understand why you say the things you do. So you got to understand that when she when she's considering leaving or she's leaving this marriage, she's going to say stuff and do stuff that's going to trigger you. You have to have set plays at that point to where you can make you can manage your emotional levels to where the intelligence stays high and you're making intelligent. Thought-through decisions instead of effectively just acting like a monkey with a machine gun. And again, I can't go into all of that. This is a 30-minute YouTube video. The set plays, we cover that in great detail. We cover those in the Win Your Wife Back program. But this is just the basic overall strategy. It's just not possible for me to give all of the information and all of the strategies in a short video like this. So ultimately what I'm saying here is fundamentals Matter more than trick tricks and trick plays. They just like, give me the trick, give me the strategy. It's like, it might work in the short term, it might work for 15 minutes, but ultimately it's going to do more harm than good. Stable execution matters more than emotional intensity. So the success formula is consistent execution devoid of emotion. The failure formula is inconsistent execution Driven by emotion. So if we look at any aspect of personal development, growth, or transformation, we can see it, right? Why did— why does a diet fail? Because you execute the diet inconsistently based on emotion or hunger in this case. Why does the diet succeed? Because you execute consistently regardless of how you feel. I'm hungry, but I'm gonna— I have a desire to eat this food, but I'm gonna execute on this diet regardless of how I feel, etc., etc., right? Same with the gym. What is an exercise routine? Succeed because you execute consistently regardless of how you feel, regardless of emotion. I go to the gym at 3 PM every day, whether I'm tired, whether I'm sick, whether I'm— it doesn't matter, man. Even if I'm injured, I go. I just sit there for 30 minutes every day. I execute consistently. And this is, this is the strategy, right? Consistency matters more than persuasion. Consistency is your friend. Execute consistently. Regardless of emotion. So let's talk about unforced errors. Remember, our strategy is the No Unforced Errors strategy. So some unforced errors that we can execute here, or that we can get involved in: panic texting, emotionally flooding your wife. She triggers you again, threatens the marriage, tells you she wants to talk to a lawyer, tells you— you see a text from another man, etc., etc., etc. You just emotionally flood the situation. There's no set play on how to deal with this. Your wife is going to trigger you. You're going to be triggered by this situation over and over and over again. This is why you need set plays to deal with this, so you don't— when, when the triggering happens, you don't panic text, you don't emotionally flood, you don't pressure for conversations. Unforced errors can include manipulation, threats. And when I say threats, it's not necessarily like threatening, I'm going to do this or I'm going to do that. It can be stuff like bringing up If you do this, it's going to damage the children. If you do this, it's going to damage X, Y, and Z. These— this is effectively making threats to pressure her into staying. Begging, very unattractive, not going to work. That's an unforced error. Over-explaining yourself, monitoring the situation constantly. Every little tiny detail is monitored and meaning is assigned to it. Going into no contact without the right strategy behind it. Now, no contact can work if it's— I've got a video on this channel, on this YouTube channel, you can find it. It's called No Contact or something like that, on when and when and where and how to use no contact. But if it's used tactically or as a manipulation, it's going to backfire. Trying to control outcomes is a manipula— is an unforced error. So why Why, why men create so many unforced errors? It's because their attention is purely focused externally on the situation. I need to control the situation. I need to change her mind. I need to work on— I need to fix the marriage. Mr. Fix-It shows up and he tries to fix the wrong problem. So what you're trying to do here in this situation that causes these unforced errors is you're trying to manage her. You're trying to control her emotions. You're trying to control the outcome that those emotions are producing, and you're trying to control the environment in which all of these things can happen, right? All understandably, and all natural instincts. Again, I'm not saying these are necessarily nefarious, you know, evil, want to control everything. These are just, these are just natural reactions that men have. When she says, I feel like I, I don't love you anymore, I love you but I'm not in love with With you. We try to change her mind, or we try to convince her why, why that's not the case. That's controlling her emotions. She says, I want to move out. You try to control that. That's controlling outcomes, environment, etc., etc. These are all unforced errors that if we have the right strategies, we have the set plays that we need, we don't need to make these errors. So what this does for her is it creates, creates more emotional chaos, which she's trying to get away from. It creates more instability. For her, and it creates desperation-driven decision-making in you. Any decision made in desperation is going to create more desperation. This is a key— this is a key fundamental when we talk about Set Place. Like produces like, always. Never has fear produced calm. Never has anxiety produced calm. A decision made in a state of desperation will always create more desperation, in the same way an orange tree never produces a lemon. An orange tree will only ever produce another orange. So being in state, controlling your state is really, really key here because the state that you're in is going to determine what you get more of. If you're in a fear-driven scarcity state, you're going to take actions and make decisions that create more fear and scarcity. If you're in a feeling of abundance, then that feeling is going— that state is going to produce more abundance and so on. Again, fully understandably so. Men enter into desperation, uh, desperation-driven decisions and states of desperation. You've got to control this. You've got to get a grip of this, and you've got to have set plays to get out of those states, because all that state is going to do is going to create more desperation, which then puts you in this cycle, this death loop of you feel desperation, you take a decision, make a decision, take an action, and it just reinforces. So the core principle to understand here is that most men lose their marriage in a divorce scenario, not because it's not fixable, but because they are continually making the situation worse by making bad decisions, taking the wrong actions, and engaging in unforced errors. So the first objective in the strategy to turn your marriage around is you got to stop making the situation worse. If you are going 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction in a car, The first thing you've got to do is start to slow the car down, then stop the car, and then start to come back in the other direction. Most men want to go straight to teleport into some other location. If your wife is leaving you right now, if your wife is asking for a divorce, those behaviors, especially if this is early days in that situation, those behaviors are still present in the marriage. The psychology, the identity, the The set plays, the behaviors that she's moving away from. These are your instincts. These are your gut feelings, and you're still engaging in those behaviors instinctively, and you are still making the situation worse. Step number 1 is just stop making it worse. When you stop making it worse, everything slows down. The goal here is to simply buy yourself some more time. You don't need to— most men want to fix everything immediately. It's like, I need to fix this, Cody. I need to fix this. No, you just need to buy yourself some time is all you need. To do. Just buy yourself a few weeks, buy yourself a few months, and then in that time we can start to put some set plays in place that are going to make a difference. We can start to work on the things that she needs to see that, that need to be removed from the marriage that's going to make it possible for her to come back. So what, what this— the No Unforced Errors strategy does, what slowing things down stops making things worse does Is it stops destabilizing the environment. It stops you from reacting emotionally, and it stops forcing outcomes, which makes her feel controlled, manipulated, and just frankly not very good about the situation at all. It also stops creating additional pressure, which is the very thing she's looking to get away from. And it also stops you from creating more chaos unnecessarily, which is also what she wants to escape from. So again, let's just look at it the other way and, and say it another way. Does destabilizing the environment help you? Does reacting emotionally help you? Does forcing outcomes that she doesn't want right now help you? Does adding pressure to the situation help you? Does creating chaos help you? When we put it in these terms, it becomes very easy to see that the engage— the behavior that we're actually engaging in right now is devastating to the outcome of trying to save the marriage. Doesn't work. So what does work, the strategy that does work here, is you have to stabilize yourself. You have to be able to state management, state control. You have to regulate your emotions. You have to be able to execute consistently. Can you be stable? Can you be regulated? Can you be emotionally safe when she's telling you that she wants to divorce you? Can you, can you Pump stability into the marriage while she is behaving in a very erratic way. Because here's the truth, brother, she's going to behave very erratically for, for some time to come. She's going to destabilize you in this marriage for some time to come. And whether you can save this marriage or not is going to come down to whether you can stabilize her by pumping emotional safety and regulation into this situation. And the only way you can do that is to find it within yourself. If you're stable and regulated when she's giving you good signs, but you're destabilized and, and you, you're chaotic when she gives you signs that she wants to leave, then your emotional sovereignty, your regulation, and your leadership is dependent on her mood. She is regulating you. You are not regulating the, the marriage and the situation, and this is not going to be advantageous to you trying to save this marriage. So You got to, you've got to start to reduce pressure, which is what she's looking to get away from. You have to become predictable. Part of the pressure, part of the, the, uh, the deal breakers for many of you that she no longer can live with is that you're a loose cannon. You're a monkey with a machine gun. You're unpredictable. It's— she's walking on eggshells within the marriage. She's stepping around landmines everywhere within the marriage. There's volatility. Within the marriage, and that's, that's a deal breaker for her. She no longer can deal with that instability. So removing that emotional volatility from the marriage gives her the space to actually come back into that marriage. When you become predictable, when you become calm and regulated, that volatility, those landmines are defused, those eggshells are removed. You create the space for her to step back into. As long as those landmines are in the marriage, she risks getting her leg blown off if she comes back. And quite frankly, she's not going to do it anymore. So when you're able to do that, when you're able to remove that emotional volatility, it creates safety for her, creates predictability, which is our friend. It creates reduced nervous system activation for her. So again, let me give you some basics here, some understanding of what the real problem is. She's not leaving the current version of you. She's leaving the future version of you. of you. Her nervous system is predicting who you are going to be in the future, which means she's looking at the future with you in it and predicting what her future is going to be, and she's saying no to that. She's saying no to the future. She's not saying no to the present. She's saying no to the future. And the only way you can change this situation is you have to present to her a better future than she's already Seeing, which involves safety, predictability, and reduced nervous system activation. So this, this consistency creates one word, which is trust. Trust. Right now, she doesn't trust that you can be stable. She doesn't trust that you can be predictable. She doesn't trust that she's emotionally safe with you, and she doesn't trust that the future with you is better than the future without you. She doesn't trust any of those things. This one word, trust, is what is required to turn the situation around. If she can trust that you can stabilize, and she can trust that that's the man that's going to show up in the future, then she can trust her future with you, and she can make that decision. Without trust, there really is very minimal hope for this situation turning around. So that emotional regulation that I'm talking about, it creates breathing room, it creates space, it creates an airiness and a lightness That allows her to engage in the situation again. Quite frankly, many of you right now, every time your wife tries to initiate a conversation or you initiate a conversation with her, it's just heavy. It's intense. It's emotionally dense. There's no emotional breathing room for her. Why would she want to engage in that conversation with you? Why would she want to engage with you when that, that all that's going to do is create pain for her? She's not going to. So the deeper truth here is that your attention, the man's attention, determines the quality of your execution. Again, this is what I'm— this is why state management, controlling your state, is very, very important. Because some of the major factors that I focus on when working with men is how to control your focus. How do you control your attention? Where focus goes, energy flows. What you focus on determines how you feel. What you feel determines the level of execution, or how you execute, or if you execute at all. The turning this marriage around begins with you and your internal state, and ultimately bringing the man— you— to a place of internal, internal authority and emotional sovereignty. What do I mean by emotional sovereignty? It's being able to act the way you choose regardless of what's going on around you. I choose to be stable even though my wife is destabilizing the marriage. I choose to be consistent even though I can find no consistency in the situation. An emotionally sovereign man pumps stability into the marriage instead of finding his stability within the marriage, thus taking from the marriage. When you focus internally, when your focus is internal, it allows you to pump what you need to pump into the marriage. When you focus externally, which is probably where you're at right now, where the majority of men that I work with personally have their focus to start with. How do I change her mind? How do I change the situation? How do I change blah blah blah? This is manipulation, pressure, and this is unforced errors. And all of this is coming out of where is your focus. Where focus goes, energy flows. If your focus is internal, your, your focus is going somewhere where it actually can make a difference. If your focus is external, you're effectively a monkey with a machine gun, unfortunately. And your chances of success reduce exponentially at that point. So when you are able to take your focus internally— and don't get me wrong here before you jump to conclusions, say, so, so I don't focus on the marriage at all? That's not what I'm saying. We're going to get to that. But when you focus internally, that creates discipline, that creates regulation, that creates stability. And again, let's turn this around and state this a different way. Let me ask you the question. Is the man who's disciplined, regulated, stable, calm, has internal sovereignty— is that man attractive to a wife? Or is the man who's dysregulated, had no internal discipline, is a loose cannon— is that the man that's attractive? When we put it like that, the solutions become very, very easy. Now, knowing what to do and doing it are 2 different things, obviously, but the solution becomes very apparent. So Again, knowing forced errors does not mean just becoming passive. It's not you being weak, simping, emotional suppression, doing nothing, giving up, etc., etc. It's none of those things. It's not about just rolling over and being a doormat. Quite frankly, again, this is— that's, that's an error that a lot of men make. They just adopt the position, or they assume what has been shared with you here is the position of Just tell me what you want from me, dear wife. Just tell me who you need me to be and I'll become that man. Well, that's not attractive either. She's not gonna— she's not gonna find that man attractive for any length of time, and you're not gonna enjoy being that man either. I'm not talking about that. You don't have to sacrifice who you are or just roll over, but you do have to have a strategy to implement this into the marriage. So what this does mean is disciplined execution. It means emotional regulation, strategic restraint. Removing self-inflicted damage, focusing on the fundamentals of what relationship— what works in a relationship, building those relationship skills. What does a woman find attractive? What does she need? What does she need to see removed from this relationship for her to come back into it? This is the things— these are the things that I'm talking about here. So our core internal shift in this transformation is right now, You're probably asking the question of, what tactics will save my marriage? What do I need to do to act on this marriage to change it? So that's going to get you in trouble. The real question that makes the difference is, what behaviors am I engaging in presently that are actively destabilizing the relationship and that I need to stop to create the space for her to come back? When you start asking the questions of, what am I doing that's destabilizing the marriage? And you remove it, this is when the transformation and the magic really starts to happen. And I've worked with literally thousands of men at this point, and it becomes very apparent. The man that's— the men that save their marriage focus internally on becoming a stabilizing, regulating force within the marriage. The men that tend to fail at saving their marriage are the ones that want to control the marriage and go, when the marriage is stable, I'll be stable. Those, those are the 2 personality types that show up, the 2 personas, the one that's successful and one that is not. So our core internal— our core takeaway here is that the men that fail, they fail because they create unnecessary damage or make unforced errors in their attempt to regain control of the marriage and to save the marriage. The marriage is not repaired through psychological tricks, manipulation, or applying pressure. The marriage stabilizes again through consistency, emotional regulation, predictable behavior, and the removal, the removal of the destabilizing patterns and behaviors that she's actively moving away from. So this again, the first step here is into saving your marriage is stop making the situation worse. That's a massive step forward for most situations, for most men in most situations. You're still engaged in the behavior that she's actively moving away from. If you just Stop making the situation worse, if you just stand still and you button the beak, you stop talking, then she stands still, you stand still, and she stops actively moving away from you, and now you can start to engage in behavior that draws her back towards you. You have to stop making the situation worse. So let's bring this thing home. So in conclusion, most men actively accidentally sabotage the effort to reconcile Through emotional reactivity and through making unforced errors. What changes the entire dynamic of the divorce situation is emotional stability, or more importantly, your emotional stability. You cannot stabilize the marriage without stabilizing yourself, and if your plan is, when the marriage stabilizes, I stabilize, that is a faulty plan, and the chances of it working or genuine reconciliation Very, very slim at this point. The marriage stabilizes when you stabilize. The marriage starts to improve when you start to improve. So if you want to know more about this, I've got a free masterclass. There's a link in the description on exactly what she's moving away from 9 times out of 10, how to identify it, how to turn it around, what actually works in the late-stage marriage crisis, and how to do the things that we've been talking about here. There's also, if you want, if you want specific advice spoken directly into your situation, check out Cody AI. There's a link in the description, which is my personal, uh, marriage AI coach trained on my, my strategies, on my frameworks, and it's actively trained on over 5,000 coaching sessions. Every coaching session I've ever done, I've recorded, and that Coach Cody AI is trained directly on those 5,000+ coaching calls. As well as literally thousands and thousands of hours have gone into it. So check that out and you can get advice specifically into your situation. And if you like this content, subscribe, give me a thumbs up, usual YouTube stuff, right? Leave a comment, all that good stuff. And I'm going to put a video right here that I think you'll find very useful. Check it out. God bless. I'll see you in the next video.