EP 3:48 How to Build Your Chemsex Recovery Team

Chemsex, sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, mephedrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guests on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering. All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode. Don't forget, there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with every episode. The link is in the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it. All right. So today we are talking about your team, how to build your chemsex recovery team, and how important this is. Look, we cannot do this alone. You cannot do this alone. Um, you know, we've heard it a billion times. The opposite of addiction is connection, right? Connecting with your team and sharing the load, having other people really reach in, hold you up, and help you through it. Is the best way to do this, the only way to do this, really. But what I see is because it's chemsex, because it's meth or mephedrone or monkey dust or GHB or whatever, there's shame around it. And when there's shame around that, then we're afraid to ask for help often, or we're afraid to tell our friends. We're afraid to tell our family, our partner. Whoever, and we don't ask for help. So I want to be very clear about this today, about what to do and how to step into your power around who is on your recovery team and specifically what they— what their role is. This is the key here. That we're gonna talk about here today. If you are continuing to relapse, if you are taking it all on your own, if you feel like you're a piece of shit because you only have 30 consecutive meth-free days and that you don't deserve help and you don't deserve people to go out of their way to help you, to support you, We gotta get rid of that. We gotta get past that powerlessness belief and step up, take control, and make this happen. So I wanna ask yourself, or want you to ask yourself right now without really thinking about it, okay, who's on my team? Now, if you had to really pause there, this one is for you. Or As you're listening, you may have a team that came to mind, but I want you to really think about, are they truly serving you in the best way possible? Are you utilizing them the best way possible? Could this be the missing link for your recovery? So, you know, most men can name people who love them, That is not the same thing here. Loving is a feeling, right? A team is an actual function. This, I'm here if you need me, quote unquote, if you're not, if you're not watching me, I'm doing the air signs. It's a beautiful sentiment. Here's my phone number. I'm here if you need me. That is not a role. There's no job attached to it. There's no commitment attached to it. There's no specificity attached to it. Nobody knows what to do with that, including you, and probably including them. And if it's 11 o'clock on a Friday night when your chest is tight and you're shaking and the phone is in your hand, well, I'm here if you need me. Does about as good as a fart in the wind. Okay? You already run a business if you are in chemsex recovery, and if you're not, I want you to think about your chemsex recovery as you are the founder and you are an entrepreneur running a business. Here is what I've noticed about the men who really do make this work. They're looking at their calendar. They're quote unquote making projections. They're planning ahead. Nothing gets ahead of them, right? They're structuring their days. They have a calendar. They're staying ahead of open hours that could lead them to using. They're deciding on Monday what Saturday night is going to look like. That's that entrepreneurship attitude we need with chemsex recovery. You're running an operation. And the cost of a bad quarter is could be your life, right? So let's overlay that into chemsex recovery. If you're the founder, then the people around you aren't well wishers saying I'm here if you need me. These people are your staff, and staff get hired, they get trained, they get reviewed, and sometimes they get let go. And I know how that sounds. My friends, my family, they're not staff. It sounds really cold. Or the, the men in the rooms that I go to, my support group. It's cold to talk about your best friend like an employee, but I want you to stay with me on this. It's too important, right? Write the job description for your team. Chemsex recovery Chemsex in its very nature is specific. Has its— I'm so sorry— has its own architecture. Gesundheit. Bless me. Sex and the drug, right? They get wired right in the same pathway, as we know. Shame lives in your body. Shame— you— to say you do meth, so much different than to say I have a drinking problem, right? And that reward loop, that's dopamine stacked in your brain, reopens faster than anybody believes until it's happening to them. Somebody who has never been near this, who has never participated in chemsex, who has no idea besides what they saw on Breaking Bad or something on television, they cannot know. What it's like. So you have to train them. You have to share with your team, these are my danger zones. Not, well, sometimes I'm, when I'm struggling, can you be there for me? No, you need to be specific. Friday after 9, payday, Sunday and Monday, I'm off together. When I travel. That week in November when Mom died, Sunday afternoons. I have something coming up at work, a big presentation. I'm gonna dive after that. That's my danger zone. You need to be specific. And how they contact you. Call me. Do not text me. And tell them why. Texting. Lets me perform. I can get away without texting you, but my voice and my image can give me away. And then you wanna be specific about the questions that they need to ask, not, hey, you doing okay? A yes or no question is not going to suffice in chemsex recovery. If somebody asks how you're doing, you're going to say fine every time. A vague question, especially if you're having, if your brain is in that reward loop and you're having euphoric recall, you're not gonna stop and say, you're not gonna stop and explain it because your brain is trying to convince you to use. So you're going to be vague if you can be vague. A vague question gets a vague answer, and you both feel like you did something. All right, I'll let him check in. And then your check-in partners, maybe they're watching Bravo or something. Okay, I've checked in on him. He's fine. Back to my show. Give them questions that you can't surf through that are individual to you, that will help them pry out of you what needs to be said. Have you had any thoughts of using today? Have you found yourself on Grindr or looking to try to get on Grindr? Have you been emotionally dysregulated today? Have you been unusually up, unusually down? Whatever question for you hits to the root of a telltale sign that you're in trouble. Not just, hey, are you doing okay? Now you either tell them the truth or you actively lie to a real human voice, right? Most men can't do that second one. And once these people are really in your team, just like when you know when the boss is off today, they're gonna know when something's off with you. It, there is an intuitive pattern. When you are supporting somebody who's using, there is an intuitive pattern that you pick up on when they're not answering the way they usually answer. They're not answering at the speed they usually answer. The way that they're answering— look, we know. We read between the lines as your support team. But you usually think you have one over on them. But this is— you want to set it up so that you can't. So you get to say, yes, I had a fleeting thought earlier. Based on that, we need to take this to level 2, code red, right? Decide what that is. Decide what that is beforehand. If I tell you, support team member, that I had a fleeting thought, if then, If I have a fleeting thought, then. So level 2 is not a pep talk. It's not an extra call. Level 2 is somebody to come take your phone from you. Level 2 is somebody to come stay with you. Level 2 is something extreme to snap you out of the sleepwalking and autopilot. And a video check-in instead of a call. Maybe you double that for the week, the rest of the week or the rest of the day. Build it while you're feeling good before you need it. Because when euphoric recall hits, you're not, you ain't calling nobody. In fact, you're probably not answering anybody. You wanna get ahead of this. Your brain will not hand you that exit. It has other plans and it's very good at them. So the communication has to already be in motion. And you need a system, a defined system, like a, a fire, like a fire evac— evacuation route that's posted on the wall. And then do fire drills. Team member 1, if this is what you're seeing, then this happens. You need a system that's already moving, not something you have to build mid-flight. And then you train them. Nobody starts a job knowing how to do it. You need to assign these people and, and educate them on chemsex if they aren't aware of it. Have them watch some podcasts. This one would be great. Assign them some reading, some research. Bring them to a meeting with you. Teach them. What meth actually does to the reward system and what your patterns are like, because a person who doesn't understand the mechanism will keep handing you willpower advice. And willpower advice from someone who loves you is its own kind of emptiness. They're going to go to bed at 9 PM, not knowing that your danger zone is 11 PM. People don't mind staying up a little extra or doing a little extra for you. They don't mind because they really want to see you succeed. And if they understand the nuances of chemsex, they're going to, they're going to do it. Teach them what a trigger looks like. They need to know what it looks like. And if you, if you have to, introduce them to other people who have recovered, if you can. You wanna think of it like it's the first 90 days of a new hire. They're on probation, right? You hire them, you train them, you put 'em on probation. In month 1, they're learning your patterns. They're, they're, they're learning on, on-the-job training. And by month 3, they should know what it's like. They should know your patterns. They should know what's happening with you. They should be running check-ins without you prompting, and they should be on top of things for you because you've trained them that way. An untrained teammate. They're not a bad person. They're just unprepared, uneducated. That is your job. Okay? You hire for the role, not for somebody you love as well, by the way. You're casting a team and we've all hired somebody we don't like, but they're good at their job. Every person on this team needs a role. Interview them. You are in charge here. There's too much at stake to be meek, to hold yourself back, to be afraid to ask. If you don't ask, you don't get it. So some people who adore you, they want what's best for you. And they're soft with you and they enable you. Wrong. Wrong hire. Now, there's a place for them somewhere, but not on the top level. They're not a frontline manager, okay? Cast, cast and roll them by their strength. This one is a night owl. I know what their job's gonna be. This one Doesn't care where you are, when you are. When she calls, she will push and push until you answer. You wanna have some of the most nosy, intrusive possible people on your team. I've talked about this before. Oftentimes, no offense, this is a straight woman. One of your straight woman friends, she is going to make fucking sure That you do what you're supposed to do, but you have to let her and train her and set the expectation. You want somebody who will invade your privacy and not apologize for it. Okay? This woman or this person, you know, they're not worried. They're not worried about being a buzzkill or a cockblock, 'cause sometimes other gay men are. Right. A lot of gay men will be worried about that and back off a little bit. No, no operation lets one person be the only one who can do a critical job, right? So if your night owl is traveling, who is the replacement? Cross-training. You need to cross-train as well so that you have coverage for when one person's not there. I'm serious about this. There should never be a gap in duties because you are going to see that gap and run with it. In early chemsex recovery, you have to give up your privacy and you do it on purpose. And for some men, that means maybe have— having somebody with view-only access to your bank account. For some, it means parental controls so that somebody else looks to see and they can monitor everything you're doing on your phone. If this sounds extreme, I wanna ask you, how has what you've been doing working? So I know, I know exactly how this feels, right? It feels a little bit scary to some of you, but this is the scaffolding to your recovery. You put it up to build the structure and then you take it down. As time goes on, right? You, you can step down. This isn't the rest of your life. This is necessary for this portion of your life. Okay? So with your team, just like if you're running a business, give 'em performance reviews. This is the, this is the part that really separates the men who create a long-term Impactful team. You review your team the way a supervisor would. Here's how you're doing. Here's what you've been missing. Here's what I need more of. Here's what I need less of. Here's your rating. You, you will let things go after a while. You will see that employee's not doing their job, but because of The way that your brain is structured and has been restructured by meth, you're more apt to let things go and just let that employee be. You're letting that, you're letting that person get away with things. No, you must not do that. You might notice somebody just calling and just chit-chatting, right? No. Don't let 'em get away with that. You can't decide. You just, you have to get out of this mindset that you're asking too much, that you're a burden, that you don't wanna hurt their feelings. It is not worth it. This is too detrimental to your life to worry about hurting somebody's feelings. And I'm telling you, more often than not, you're not going to. They want to do more. They want to see you well. People who really love you will go further than you ever imagined, further than you even ask. But you must make it clear. You're the one steering this ship. Somebody who's flaking on check-ins, they need to be reprimanded or let go. They're teaching your brain that the system has holes in it. And if your brain learns that a system has a hole in it, it's gonna take it. Okay? And you can do all of this, of course, with grace. You don't have to be an asshole. If the role wasn't the right fit, just, I'm grateful for you. I know you're trying, but this is not what I need right now. I need something else. Because would you let an underperforming employee, if their failure was costing you your business, would you let the friendship get in the way if their failure is costing you your life? You are the leader here. It does not matter how many times you have relapsed. It does not matter how long you've been using or how hard you've been using or how many fucking meth-free days consecutively you have in a row. It does not matter. Your authority over your own recovery is your birthright and your Right, and your power is not something you earn. It comes with the job. It's your responsibility. So don't be meek about it, be mousy about it. Don't soften the ask or apologize or decide in advance that it's too much before somebody's even had a chance to say yes. There is too much at stake for you to be polite about this. Graceful, yes. Merciful, yes. If you're asking one person for more than they can do, adjust their job description. Give somebody else more that needs more to do or can do, or hire somebody new. Or thank them and excuse them from the team. You're the leader here. You're not asking for help. You're staffing an operation, and you're the one in charge of it. At the end of the day, what happens at that bottom line, which is your recovery, is entirely up to you. And if you have gone the extra mile and you've set your team up For success. If you have properly trained, properly evaluated, properly set it up. Remember consistency, proactivity, and certainty. This is the proactivity part and consistency because these also, your employees, some of them will start to fade a little. Get shaky. They need you as the leader to round them up, to remind them, to say, hey, I need you here. There's nothing wrong with that. So who is on your team? What are their roles? Do they know exactly what they're supposed to do When they're supposed to do it? Or are they just somebody who says, I'm there if you need me? A list of phone numbers in your phone do no fucking good for chemsex recovery because you're not going to call them when you have crossed that threshold of euphoric recall. You have to be proactive and plan ahead. As specific as possible. This is what it takes. I wanna hear from you. Does this make sense to you? Does this resonate? Is it bullshit? Do you have a team? What have you done? Tell me in the comments. You on YouTube, tell me in the comments on Spotify, DM me, whatever you wanna do. Send me a, send me a nice little letter. Um, I don't care. I would love to hear from you though. So I hope this helps. Thank you. I'll see you next week.