Holidays with ADHD

Hello, hello. Good morning, everybody. This is Danielle and Britt, and we are talking about holidays with ADHD. And we were talking before we started about how freaking tired we are.

So tired.

It feels like there was no separation between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. They were way too close together, and I think they're the same space apart every year, honestly, but it just feels so much worse this year. So why does it feel worse to you?

Um, well, number one, I recently moved to a city that is farther away from my family for the first time. Mm-hmm. It's not very— it's like an hour and a half, 2 hours max. Okay, but I'm used to being 30 minutes down the road.

Mm-hmm.

So traveling for holidays, like, either I have to make plans to go see my family or they have to make plans to come down to me. And like, all of that requires an extra layer of planning on my part. Which is already not my strong suit. And I'm just, I'm just not used to it yet. Like, it's not like planning for holidays when I'm not right next to people is not a skill that I've built up yet. So it's my first year, like, essentially practicing this skill. And also, I Was a little bit dumb and had my cat spayed the Monday before Thanksgiving.

So you added things in?

I sure did.

I did the same thing a week and a half, 2 weeks before, before Thanksgiving. I spent a week in California for the CHAD conference and threw in a trip to Disneyland on top of that. When I am still learning how to live differently mobile, and I'm learning to live with a walker, which I learned was not enough, and I should have skipped walker and went directly to wheelchair, but I was being stubborn and did not do that. I, I have now done that, by the way, um, and wore myself The heck out like we do because we're like, oh, I can do this. This is not that big of a deal. It's no problem. Yeah, it was a problem. And I didn't eat for 3 days because getting food was too difficult because I was too tired, and therefore I didn't eat, which made my flare worse. And, you know, all of the things. And that's one of those things that we do when we get overwhelmed and exhausted by other things. And the holidays just Exacerbate that for all of us.

They sure do.

So what are, what are some of the things, especially with talking with clients and things that you deal with, that are things that you do to protect your energy during the holidays?

That is such a great question. Um, some things that I'm trying to do, because, you know, for, for anyone watching, I don't I don't want to pretend like, oh, I'm an ADHD coach, I've got this all figured out perfectly. I don't. But here are the things I'm practicing.

Mm-hmm.

One is, is working really hard to bring in those things that ground me, that make me feel like me, and that give me a moment to breathe. Um, so for me, that looks like journaling, making sure I'm getting out of the house. house spending time doing like holiday-related things. Um, I really do. I love— I love a holiday, any holiday. I think any excuse to celebrate is fantastic. Um, so, you know, for me, I, I was in a flare. I'm still in a flare. I was in a particularly nasty part of the flare, um, earlier this month. And so I was watching Christmas movies and making paper snowflakes because that was grounding. It was just for me. I got to enjoy something and honor my energy. So making space for those things that allow me to honor my energy and that feel like me. Also, saying no. Saying no to things. And this year for me, that has looked more like saying no to myself than it does to other people.

Fair.

Because again, I love the holidays. I love doing everything. And I know that will actually make me burnt out and sick as hell. So for example, a couple weekends ago on Saturday, we went out and we got our Christmas tree. And we did some Christmas decor shopping. Our space is bigger than it was last year, and it needed more Christmas. And the next day, we were going to go to this holiday bazaar in town, and it was really cool, and it benefited a cancer research center in town. I really wanted to go, but I woke up, and as the morning wore on, I just kept feeling worse and worse and worse.

Oh, no.

And I had to say, listen, I really want to go to this, but I'm going to ruin my week if I go to this.

Yeah.

I'm going to ruin my week, and I have to say no. I have to put my foot down and like kind of like parent myself a little and say no and say like, you can go next year, or like, there's no experience that's worth you Being sick as a dog for 2 weeks later. Worth it. Um, so saying no and carving out little things that allow me to ground and feel like myself. What are you doing to help?

So for me, obviously we're 1,200,000 whatever miles away from family. So my son is the only one here. My son is recently divorced. So we're kind of dealing with the first holidays of that because that just happened.

Just, just happened.

Um, and he now has a roommate who is also autistic and ADHD and is 2,000 miles from home for the first time ever. Lost his mom last year. So he's navigating holidays after losing his mom and moving. Like, he's from California and now he lives in Alabama, and that's a very different lifestyle, let me tell you. Um, navigating moving, navigating getting a job, all of these things are hard for those of us that are neurodivergent. And so we're helping, obviously, because I mean, this is what I do for life. Um, and, and, and then also learning to navigate as I, I am less abled as I— than I have been. And, and that's a new reality for me. So learning to live with all these things has been— A lot of my bestie and Coach Vida and Jess and my— and other people in my life. Oh, I lost Britt. Other people in my life reminding me that I need to slow down and I need to not do so much. So, um, I am, um, learning to navigate by not doing things at all. Christmas decorating is usually a huge deal for me and I'm not decorating this year. My husband was very sweet and still put up my Christmas tree but it has no ornaments but my Christmas tree is still there. So that's what I've been able to handle doing. I'm hoping to put up at least part of my Christmas village today and learning to sit and just be and if anybody knows me, I'm I'm not. Here she comes. She's coming back. So I'm not a person that likes to just sit and just be and not be highly active and all of those things. And I just lost her again. Um, and hopefully. She's back.

There she is.

So I'm learning to just be and not do too many things because I just can't. I was saying that I can't— I— the only Christmas decoration we have up is our tree, and it is a pre-lit tree, thank God. My husband is very sweet and put that up because my husband hates doing decorations and stuff, but nothing else. And I have a massive amount of— I have a huge penguin collection and huge sparkly lights and snowflakes and snowmen, and I love Christmas decorations, and I just I can't physically do that this year. And I also don't want my husband touching that stuff. So it's not up, but learning to just be. And a lot of it is my family and friends, and I have asked them to remind me to just be. Part of how I've made sure I can learn to just be is Black Friday, I went out and bought myself this. This is basically, it's the ASUS version of like a Switch.

Oh, nice.

So that I can be more entertained because my brain can be busy doing something. I love to play games. I forgot how I usually play strategy games like role-based games and I've been playing things like Mario and stuff again. Do you know I jump when I'm jumping with the thing? So let me tell you why. The little joysticks on here and that's how you maneuver it. It's also how I maneuver my new wheelchair. It's not going well for me. Um, I almost fell out of it yesterday. So, uh, yep.

Oh no.

I'm entertaining to everybody in my neighborhood because I'm riding around my neighborhood to try to learn how to use my wheelchair because I'm going to Disney World next month and I need to be able to learn how to start, stop, all of those things so I don't run people over because I'm not coordinated. So, you know, all of that. But just be. That's the thing that I've had to learn is to just be and not do and not be busy and not do all of the things. And I'm obviously, we're 1,000 miles away from family, so there's less to do, but I still, I want to decorate my house and I want to bake all of the cookies and all of the pumpkin bread and all of— I can't.

Yeah.

Learning to accept that has been, been a harder transition than just sitting, honestly.

Uh-oh.

I was talking to one of my clients yesterday and she's like, I just need to not talk to people. I'm done because she works a full-time job. Her husband has a corporate job so she's had to do corporate wife things and her kids' Christmas parties and concerts and all of that. She goes, I need to sit and do nothing and I'm like, okay, so sit and do nothing. She's like, I can do that? So I think one of the biggest tips I have is find somebody, your coach, your bestie, your cousin, your mom, and tell them, I'm really struggling right now and I need permission to just sit and do nothing. Please give me permission to do nothing.

And that's so extra important in times like this, especially when you're neurodivergent. And I'm especially going to point out anyone with ADHD, autism, or SPD, the sensory input is extra intense this time of year, whether because we're interact— we're just interacting with more people or because there's always music, there's always lights, there's always decorations, there's always—

The smells. Yeah, that's something that's getting to me going to like the grocery store and stuff. So I'm allergic to pine. So going to a store where I have to walk through the entrance that are all pine trees and, and the poinsettia plants, and my husband's like, poinsettias don't smell like anything. Yes, they do. They smell bad. They smell musty and gross. And I can't— like, all of the smells this time of year. And you go to the, like, the mall because I thought, oh, that would be a good place to practice using my wheelchair. It stinks.

Yeah.

And I didn't realize— I don't think— I mean, I've always been sensitive to smell, but I don't think until this year I really realized how much that sends me into sensory overload.

Hmm, I don't know about you, but extreme temperature changes. So like going from cold outside to like hot store, that really messes with me.

I don't have that here. I mean, I live in the Deep South, so we've actually had a cold snap, but I don't— you don't leave your house when it's cold. So I haven't— I, I don't have— and I remember that that was a problem for me when I lived in New York. But, but that temperature change yet, the dampness is getting to me because it's raining for us. Same.

It's been raining here. I'm just like—

So my hands, everything is just like stiff and sore and, ugh, all of the things. So we have to remember physically that most of us have comorbidities of EDS or POTS or, and POTS and mast cell and Arthritis, and like me, I have multiple sclerosis, and, and, and whatever, whatever the thing is. And, and we need to take care of that in during especially this kind of season. Even if you live in the Deep South and in California and stuff, it is a weather change.

It is.

And I don't care where you are in the US, there is a weather change, whether it's changing from sunny all the time to rainy season, but the weather is still warm, whatever it is that Affects us. And then there's this mental change of a season change, even if you have always lived in the South or whatever. It's, it's winter now, and you've got that mental switch of a transition, and any transitions are hard for us.

Yeah.

Yes. So taking care of you and having permission to take care of you— we need that permission a lot of times because we're not so good at taking care of ourselves. We're people pleasers. Yes, highly, highly active, high achieving people, whatever your version of that part of the ADHD, autism, and the spectrum is. We need somebody to give us permission. So get— have somebody give you that permission. I have given every one of my clients— I had a client yesterday who got on a call and I'm like, so before we get started, do you need permission to go just sit and watch a movie today? And she's like, But I have to show up for my coaching call. And I said, you did. Now would you like to go sit and watch a movie and not talk to anybody?

She said, please.

And that was the end of the call. And she just walked away. And she messaged me later and she's like, I needed that. Yes, she did.

Yeah, I have so many clients. I have a lot of newer clients and a lot of them are showing up to calls just like I didn't want to miss it. I didn't want to cancel it, but I'm exhausted, sick. I have nothing to say right now, like totally frazzled. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to be mad at you if you reschedule. If you tell me, hey, I have a migraine. I need to cancel today. Okay.

Yeah. You don't have to show up for this. You don't have to show up. Give yourself permission or come to your coach and say, And just tell us, like, actually share with us. Don't, don't hide it. Don't mask to us. Please don't mask to your coaches and your therapists right now.

We can usually tell when you're masking.

Well, yeah, we're pretty good at that. But, but, but don't even put yourself through that because that takes an extra level of adding to our overwhelm and our executive function and our decision fatigue and all of those things. Um, oh, the other thing is if you have a million things that you have to do before Christmas, And I've been teaching everybody in my group program this lately. So please open up ChatGPT, even if you're not— don't have to pay for it. Do it absolutely free. Put all of the tasks that you have to do into ChatGPT. Okay. And then say, I need to get them all done by this time. Please tell me when I should do them and how long each task will take. You want to know how much Decision fatigue that's going to remove for you.

Hell yeah!

And it will tell you when to do them. It, and if you don't know how to do a task or the best place to find it, tell it your location. And I don't know where to find this item, and it will find the item for you even, which I didn't know it would do that. My my brother told me that the other day.

That's so sexy.

I love that. I just gave it my zip code, and it told me where to find the item I was looking for.

That's amazing.

Yep. And I had a client yesterday. I taught him how to use ChatGPT because he didn't know what to get his wife for Christmas. I said, put your— what is your wife's favorite coffee? What is your wife's favorite coffee cup? What is your wife's favorite sweater? What is your wife's favorite smell, thing, whatever? Put it all in ChatGPT and said, I don't know what to get her for Christmas. Help me pick out, find a gift. And it gave him the perfect gift, and he is so excited. He's like, oh my gosh, she's gonna love this! And I didn't have to think of it, and it told him where to get it and gave him a link to go get it, to order it online.

Also, like, this is a— thank you for bringing up gifts, because my wife, my fiancée— we're almost married, you probably—

close enough—

my wife and I, we— she looked at me the other day And we're both burnt out still from our terrible planning of Thanksgiving. She looked at me the other day, she goes, I haven't started Christmas shopping for you. I said, I haven't started Christmas shopping for you. And we both just kind of laughed and it like wasn't a big deal. And then, um, you know, I've been flaring. She got a bug yesterday. You know, again, it's wintertime, everyone's getting whatever it is, um, going around. And I looked at her, I said, hey, instead of getting Christmas presents for each other this year, do we want to do like something else? And like we said, we talked about, hey, like if we're gonna spend the money anyway and we're both kind of like burnt out, like What do we want to do with it? Um, and that was a really great conversation, and we're, uh, we're gonna go get matching tattoos. But—

That's awesome. I think that was one of the better things my husband and I did years ago, is we don't actually— I mean, once in a while, we'll— if something happens to, like, we see something because it's a holiday season and we're being bombarded with stuff, we'll get something that we know the other will like. But for the most part, we don't do Christmas gifts. And for us, we add on— my birthday is 2 weeks after Christmas, his birthday is 3 weeks after mine, and our anniversary is in between.

So you got a lot going on.

So, so we just don't. And we also have changed to experiences. And we, we did this— we actually did this for saving money when, when my son was little and we had no money. Um, And we're struggling young parents. So we did experiences and our experiences generally were, let's go drive around and look at the Christmas lights. They weren't like going out for a fancy dinner or planning a vacation or anything like that. They were just something where we could just be together and was easy. So we did last weekend, um, my husband, the company has a condo down on the beach and yes, it's cold right now, even in the deep south. at the beach. But we went to the beach, there was nobody there. So we were in a condo with a pool and a hot tub for the weekends.

And a beautiful view.

And that was, that was all we did. It was awesome. We ate a couple meals out. We sat and we drank coffee and used the pool and the hot tub.

That sounds amazing. It was easy.

So often with our partners, Or besties, if you don't have a partner or whatever, just set an expectation with each other to change how you do things. Let's do New Year's gifts. Let's do I survived the holiday gifts. Let's do something else. Don't worry about Christmas. It doesn't have to be on Christmas.

Yeah, it really, really, really does not. Not for everyone anyway. If Christmas gifts are an important part of your tradition, Go for it. Um, but if it is something that is stressing you out— I, I don't want a gift from anyone in my life if getting it for me causes them stress. I don't want it. That's not what it's about. I am just thankful for their presence in my life.

Yeah.

And, and gifts are gifts, you know.

Yeah, exactly. And again, experiences— I think that was one of the things that I had to learn is experiences and being with a person was way more important than gifts and stuff. And even my son, now that he's, he's an adult, we do stocking stuffers. And I did— I, I made the mistake of one year of not doing stocking stuffers and not putting a toothbrush in his stocking. And he's gotten a toothbrush every single year. He was so mad at me.

He was like, that's my Christmas toothbrush.

Because I don't have to buy a toothbrush at Christmas time and replace it because you always buy one. So don't do that again, ever again. I was like, well, sorry dude, you're an adult, but okay, got it. But keep it simple. And, and my stocking stuffers is I buy candy, I buy a toothbrush to combat the candy.

Love.

And some sort of stupid fidgety gadgety And I find the dumbest thing I could possibly find.

Oh my gosh, that reminds me, uh, if you have like a big group of friends and gifts—

Well, now I don't because I'm so far away from them all.

I was gonna share one of my, um, new favorite traditions that I started. I didn't, I didn't start the tradition, but I started being included in last year, um, with this giant white elephant. My wife has a giant group of friends, and they're all very close. It's very strange, but delightful. She has more friends than anyone I know. But instead of all like, oh, we're gonna get each other little gifts, and no, no, everybody gets together, we do a crazy white elephant where we all buy the silliest stuff we can find. And it's like, again, it's more about spending time with each other. It's not about Finding the perfect gift. It's not about, you know, there's a, there's a cap on how much we can spend. Not about spending a ton of money. It's about really the experience of the white elephant.

We did one year, um, because we were musicians, so we band families would do— all of the band family would get together. I think, oh man, this was a long time ago. We were all exhausted. We had been playing like 4 shows a week for like 2 months. Because it starts Halloween and you go until New Year's, and then you have January, February off. So we were all exhausted. So we had a rule. You could spend—

you—

everybody spent $25 at the grocery store for food to share. There had to be prepared food to share, not something to heat up. I couldn't— you didn't have to heat it up. You couldn't make it yourself, and it had to take 5 minutes or less to prepare when we got to where, where we had the party. So people bought like subs and people bought like chips and dip and people bought like pre-made mac salad and we had so much fun.

That sounds amazing.

And most of us shopped together because we were shopping on the way there. So we stopped at the closest grocery store there. So we all ran into each other at the grocery store and the party started before we even got to the party.

I love that.

And it was easy.

That sounds amazing. Yeah, easy.

I think we had like 12 bags of chips, but you know, we all had plenty of food to eat. Who cared? And I've lost Britt again.

Hopefully she will come back.

Poor Britt is having internet issues today. So the big thing to learn, and, and when you have little kids and you have a huge family Sometimes some of these tips don't necessarily work quite as much as when you have adult friends and things like that, but make it less about the gifts and more about the experience of spending time. You don't have to spend $5,000 apiece on your kids for gifts. Buy them little things. Buy them craft projects. That don't include glitter. Just mom tip there, don't buy glitter-based things because you'll never get rid of the glitter. Um, but just make it easy. It does not have to be hard. And it doesn't have to be on Christmas either. I mean, if you have crazy family that demands that, deal with them, and then everything else can be something else. You can make your own traditions. And I think that was the other thing is that I had to learn is I didn't have to follow the family traditions the way they had always been done. I can make Absolutely. So I hope you guys have an amazing holiday. And if you're struggling, reach out to Coach Britt, reach out to me. Our links are below this video. We are here to help. We have the group program where you can come into the community for free right now and ask all of your questions and ask for advice. If you need help using ChatGPT, I've got all kinds of stuff that we're talking about with ChatGPT and the pro—

at our group.

For free. Um, come join us. It is so easy. You don't need to struggle alone, and you don't have to struggle in the decision fatigue and overwhelm and sensory overwhelm and all of the things. I promise there is a better way.

Amen.

Have a good one, everyone, and I'm gonna cut this off before Brit gets booted off again.