Navigating Imposter Syndrome #impostersyndrome #neurodivergent #adhd #mentalhealthawareness

Oh, hello, hello, everyone. I hope everyone's having an amazing day. I hope you're having an awesome day. This is Danielle, Jessica, and Vida from ND Out Loud, and Jessica with DY Newsletter. So we were talking— well, Jessica actually wrote an article today for Your RIDE publication, correct?

Yes.

About navigating imposter syndrome as an ADHD woman. This is something we all deal with. I don't think there's any client I've ever talked to, or we talk about it, there's none of us have not dealt with this.

Yeah. I swear it's a, it's an ongoing battle, like even to the point, and I, I read something about it, about where you even look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself. And I do that. Am I really an adult? And I, Oh, it messes with your head. And it could be even small steps too. For me, I've gotten my PhD and I'm still like, okay, am I really a PhD? Did I really earn that? Did I really, do I really deserve the title?

Yeah.

And then people look at me, what? You did all the hard work. You wrote all this stuff. I'm just like, I just, I can't explain it.

Well, it's like when you have your birthday, right? And it's like, but I don't feel any different. You know, it's just, am I supposed to feel different? And so when you have this massive accomplishment, well, I still feel the same. Do I even know enough to say, put those letters by my name or stuff like that? When Danielle and I were at the Wellness Fest this weekend, she asked me to write a bunch of ADHD struggles on the cards that we had pinned to the curtain. And I panicked and I blinked out and I couldn't remember them and I had to Google it. 'Cause I was like, there's nothing in my brain. And then I internally spiraled for like 10 minutes. Like, do I even need to be in this field? I can't remember anything. But no, it was just like—

Well, as someone who was instead of diagnosed properly, which many of us had, I was diagnosed as a child as mentally retarded. I was nonverbal. I had all kinds of issues. And I still have a hard time not seeing that, hearing that. Feeling that, that was 40— okay, I'm not going to admit exactly how many 40-something years ago, but that was 40-something years ago. And I have multiple degrees and 40+ certifications telling people I know what I'm doing. And, and, and, and, and, and I've been an entrepreneur for 25 years and I've had successful businesses that I've sold for millions of dollars. All of these things, you want to think any of that comes up in my head some days?

Nope.

I'm just an idiot. I don't know what I'm doing. I have no freaking clue what I'm doing. And we forget, and we see that injured, broken, frustrated part of ourselves more than we see the success of ourselves.

Yeah, I see and feel that, that girl that was bullied in high school, that couldn't fit in, that was awkward, didn't wear the right clothes, didn't wear the right shoes, didn't have the fancy whatever the new gadget was at that time. Not going to age myself. And yeah, it's, it's constantly, you know, the self-doubt. And it's good to know that you're not alone. That's where it's great to have such awesome, you know, coaches and networks and people to talk to, because these things just pop up and it can pop up at the worst time. Or it could pop up when you're having the best day and just all of a sudden you're like, well, There goes my day. And to have someone to reach out to and be like, wow, I'm like, am I okay to say this is who I am? And, you know, to hear a sounding board, you know, someone else that's like, yeah, you are that.

Yeah, I've messaged Danielle before and I'm like, tell me I'm smart and I can do this.

And I'll message Vida and go, oh my God, I have no freaking clue what I'm doing today. And Vida will be like, okay, Danielle. Let's stop.

Chill. You can do—

look what you did this week.

Yeah.

And I recently wrote out everything that's happened in the last 3 weeks. Last Friday, I wrote that. Everything that's happened in the last 3 weeks. And I had this long list of all of the things I got done. And I still— forcing myself to sit down and write that out was still like, oh man, I could have done better. I could have done more.

Right.

Why didn't I do— Whatever.

So at the end of every single day, right, for me was I worked in a really high pressured school and it was like we needed to do like all this stuff. And at the end of every single day when I worked there, I'd be like, I hadn't done enough. And I was working like 80 hours, sometimes 100 hours a week. And it was just like, I haven't done enough. I haven't done enough. And I remember everybody saying like, wow, you make it look so easy. And I'm like, this is not easy, but like, I'm still not meeting the expectation. That was my. Fear, but I realized the expectation was my expectation. It wasn't anybody else's expectation because everyone else thought I was killing it and I was still doing that. So, you know, it leads to burnout, right? And then in burnout, you're just— I kind of feel like burnout looks like the Big Lebowski. It's like, well, I mean, that's your opinion, man. You know, like, it's just— I knew at the end of every day that I wasn't getting everything done. But I felt like that when I was getting hundreds of things done. So my feelings at the end of the day never changed. So it's like, it's this weird combination of imposter syndrome and then burnout and then RSD on top of it. Right. So it's this super complex thing that it's, it's like when someone looks at you and goes, wow, you're really smart. Like when you start talking, you're like, and then it's like, what is? Did you doubt that? Like, am I the person that people don't think are smart? You know? And it's like, and then it causes like a whole different internal struggle.

I love the biggest thing for me. Again, going back to that, that diagnosis as a child, especially my family. My family has hammered on that even after the diagnosis was corrected for my whole life. I, anytime I do something wrong or, or something right, and my family is like, How'd you figure out how to do that? Are you really capable of doing that? Who helped you with that? So now I do that to myself. So, and that comes in with body dysmorphia. That really is a big, big imposter syndrome thing for many.

Yeah. And then, yeah. And then you have being an overachiever. And so we hold ourselves at such high standards, ridiculously unachievable things. I mean, but we still, yeah. We'll somehow achieve a lot of it. But when we don't achieve that, like, one little extra thing, it's like, well, I didn't do that, so none of this else counts. It's like, nope, I'm nothing.

Yeah, I, I have done that so much.

Yeah, yeah. And that's where you got to remember is like, you need to celebrate those small wins. And I try to remember myself and all my other network. It's like, yay, I got out of bed today. Right. Celebrate it. Yay, I made my bed. Yay, I remembered. I didn't remember my coffee today, but I didn't even get that far.

It's okay. Celebrating the small wins is a big thing. And it's something I tell my clients every day. We start every coaching call. What are your wins since the last time we talked? I do that with my clients. You think I could do it for myself?

Right.

That's the thing, right?

That's why we need support. That's why we need friends. That's why we need a community, because we can totally do it for other people because we are not emotionally enmeshed in the situation. So for other people, we can see it from an outside lens and it's like, oh my gosh, like, you're amazing. You've accomplished all of these things since Tuesday. And when with our own life, it's like, I haven't done enough. And the thing is, what is enough, right?

Mm-hmm.

What is something that you could accomplish that would really make you feel like you accomplished something? Okay. So when I, I do not have my PhD, it is on my list of things that I really think I want to do one day, but I haven't done it. But I remember when I graduated with my master's and everybody was like, oh my God, that's so amazing. You graduated your master's. And I was like, it wasn't hard.

Yeah.

Like it was just time. Like it was just one class at a time, this, that, and the other. It was just time and a little bit of effort, but it really wasn't that hard. I didn't feel like it was hard. And so then I came off as kind of a jerk, right? Like when people were like, oh, this is so great. And I was like, it really wasn't that hard. Anybody could do it. So I have learned because people misunderstand me quite a bit that I'm just like, thank you. I appreciate that compliment. And then that's kind of my standard answer to compliments because if I put my extra sauce and reasoning on it, then I sound like a jerk.

And I think that's part of where that imposter syndrome comes in for us, though, is because we are so freaking smart and there are very few, few things that are actually— that we do accomplish that are actually super difficult for us. The things that we accomplish are because we really freaking wanted it, which makes it less hard.

Mm-hmm.

It was a hyperfocus, so we got it done. And We're really, really, really, really, really smart. Well, and the thing is, we downplay the effort that went into it.

Yeah. And after high school, the things that you do are stuff that you like and want to do, right? Like, you're not forced to take calculus because they think you need to be. So after you get to a certain level, it is— it does all seem super easy because I liked it.

Yeah. And I think the other thing is, and things we say it's super easy, but then we have the balance of Those things that people say are easy, that we have a hard time with our executive functioning, with our time blindness, with forgetting things. And it's like, okay, how is this even out? I can so easily attain these degrees and certifications, but I can't remember, you know, that 15 minutes has gone by 2 hours ago.

Right.

So I think there's that balance of that too, that our brains are just like, what?

Well, how can I not be capable of this? And I'm not. I can't remember to eat lunch and breakfast and drink what I'm supposed to every day. Those are basic human functions. Why can't I remember to do that? But 4 degrees, that's no big deal.

Right.

Yeah. And I think that's what hits the— I mean, especially for me, hits imposter syndrome even harder is when I see myself fail at the, at the little things like The daily living things. Okay, why, why can't I catch on to that? But I can do these other things. So did I really do these other things?

I do think this is, I do think this is really important to point out as a coach that a lot of our clients need validation, right? From themselves, from others, from things, but they don't hear it because we don't tell Ourselves and other adults don't tell us, man, great fucking job. You remember to brush your teeth every single day this week. And for somebody who is like neurodivergent like that, it's a major accomplishment sometimes, right? Or you took a shower every day. Great job. So I really try to tell my clients, hey, great job, or I'm super proud of you for doing this because we don't tell ourselves that and adults don't tell each other that. About things, I remember my husband saying. I was like, "That is awesome! You did this. It was so cool." And he's like, "You're my wife. You have to say that." And I'm like, "No, I don't." I was like, "I'm not your mom. Like, I don't. I'm your wife. I can tell you the truth. You know, it's like. But accolades from people outside of his normal social circle hit different. You know, than people inside that like, oh, they're just being nice to me. They don't. They don't mean it. So lift each other up. Tell other adults like, man, great job. Because you never know when was the last time someone told them that.

Yeah, exactly. And, and, or how many times have they told themselves that they're failing and just hearing it that one time from someone else. And it's not just smile at someone. Yeah. Even that, just giving a simple smile, just giving that nod. I mean, I, I think there was something little. It was a week or so ago. I was like, hey, Danielle, I remembered this. I get a gold star. And she sent me a little Emoji gold stars, like, yay!

But those things, those things, I love when somebody will send me an emoji back for when I do something because I feel like they're acknowledging. Because what does Vida say?

We need to feel safe, seen, and heard.

And heard.

And it goes with our self-worth a whole lot when we're not safe, when we're not seen, when we're not heard. Imposter syndrome, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and worse. I mean, there is worse than imposter syndrome and RSD. And so many in our community suffer deeply with all of it because they don't feel safe, seen, and heard.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes, definitely. And especially when you put the woman part on top of those and it gets even harder.

So as a coach and as a community, this is why we're here and why we get to do things like this, because we want people to feel so seen and heard, because we want people to understand that there are realities to having imposter syndrome and RSD and all of those things, because we all have it.

Well, and I think that there could be a lot going on. I think there could be a study written. I'm sure there's probably already one, and if there's not, we need to write it. But About the intersectionality between imposter syndrome and RSD. Are we more susceptible to imposter syndrome because we have RSD and we're like, imposter syndrome is kind of a self-rejecting?

So find your community. And this comes back to this a lot for us because there's safety in building your village. And we talk about this, obviously we talk about this constantly because there is safety in building the village because Jessica can come to me and say, hey, look what I did. I deserve a gold star today. And we give each other those gold stars. We give each other those congratulations. We're like, you should celebrate that. What are you doing to celebrate that? Because we don't honor ourselves enough.

No, because we're just on to the next thing. I know I just climbed Mount Everest, but surely there's a higher mountain somewhere because I only passed out 4 or 5 times on the way to the summit. Like, it wasn't that hard.

Yeah, it's like, okay, I did my PhD. Now what do I do? Right? My next goal is a TED Talk. I'm going to get there.

I believe you.

You will get there because that's a goal.

And I'm sure afterwards I'll be like, yeah, that wasn't me.

Yeah, it's like, I don't even know why they let me on the stage.

That's why they let me on here. What are they thinking?

But then I also think because, okay, because we're already struggling with imposter syndrome, we are extremely susceptible to other people invalidating us because we invalidate ourselves, right? If someone's like, how? You don't know that. How do you even know that? Or if someone treats you— it's like, I'm an expert in this field and I'm being treated like I don't know anything about it. So it's very easy to fall into the story we tell ourselves. It's like, well, I guess I don't know anything about it because they're treating me like that, even though the problem is not in that situation, is not us.

It's Again, this is what the village is for, so that we have somebody outside of us looking at that and going, well, they're assholes, right?

Or their mindset is completely off. Because if people— okay, here's my thing, especially in corporate America— if people treated you like the expert that you are, the reason that they hired you, then they would have to pay you for that. And it's much easier to invalidate you and kind of treat you like it's an abusive relationship, right? And it's like, I don't need a raise, all these things. But if you are confident in your ability, you take less shit.

And unfortunately, especially when you put woman with that, we are told we're unmanageable, we're difficult, we're—

We're emotional.

We're emotional, we're dramatic, we're drama queens. We hear all of that when we're confident. in ourselves and our abilities. And that adds more imposter syndrome and all of that. And that's again why we need a village of others around each other that can go, nope, nope, nope, nope, that's not right. Look at what you did. You did amazing today.

Yeah.

Even if you're doing amazing today, was you are still alive and you fed yourself at least once.

If you need a little hype, woman, in your day, right? If you forget that you are amazing, if you start to doubt yourself, send us a message. Every single one of us will just be like, tell me about it, tell me what you did. And it's like, oh my gosh, that's amazing, I could never have do that. And that's not because we're giving you lip service, like, that is the truth.

And come join us in our community. We have a free community that you can come join, and we hype you up every single day. We will help you. We will encourage you. We will help you set intentions so that you don't feel like you're lost, and we will help you celebrate every single win. So come join us. Read Jessica's newsletter. She will drop a link below this live afterwards and let us know what you think. If you have questions, if you don't agree with us, tell us. We wanna hear it. Have an amazing day, everyone.