Neurodivergent Burnout

Good morning, everyone. This is Danielle and Vyda with ND Out Loud, and we're talking about neurodivergent burnout. And partially because yesterday we went live and we were talking about women and ADHD neurodivergence, and then Vyda sent me that article last night and I was like, oh, I guess we're on topic this week. And I was reading through the article and one of the things that really, really struck me is the neurodivergent burnout. And I'm gonna actually read a little bit of this. I've linked the article below if you want to. Go through and read it. Some of the quotes from women just make me want to go, oh honey, you don't have to do this.

The article was in Attitude Magazine published May 10th of this year, and it's 42 raw confessions of women with ADHD. And yeah, relate to every single one.

So this first one is the one that under burnout that just like, well, actually all 4 of them that are in here, I'm going to read all 4 of them because, right. We are constantly burnt out because we refuse to treat ourselves like we have a disability because everyone needs something from us and wants it with a smile. 100%.

Oh my gosh.

Yes. Oh yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes.

And that was from Courtney ADHD. This one is, just because we get things done doesn't mean we don't have ADHD. That assumption is dismissing the complete and exhausting dumpster fire that happened in my brain to actually accomplish what was done. My black axe. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Because, and I always tell everybody this, a neurotypical person will wake up, do the thing, do the next thing, do the next thing, do the next thing. And there was zero thought process that went into that. It was just a habit that is ingrained in them and their brain doesn't need to take any action to think about doing that. For us, we have to think about every step. Wake up. Okay. I've got to wake up now. I need to wake up. I really, really need to wake up. Oh, I need to uncover. Maybe that will help me wake up. And every single thing we do is this long list of things that we're trying to get our body, our brain, and our actions to all match with each other. And it's exhausting.

Well, it's, everything is so multi-stepped. Like for other people, I think it is more straightforward. It's like, okay, let's talk about showers, right? So many people with ADHD and AuDHD struggle with Self-care, right? But showers or baths seem to be a very specific one. There's lots of things. First of all, a shower is not a one individual task. It is a project because tasks of a shower are you have to take your clothes off, you have to get in the shower, you have to get the water on, you have to scrub your body. Like, are you washing your hair today? Like, there's lots of things. And then when you get out of the shower, like, you have to dry off. Are you going to try to overcome the ick feel of lotion, like put your clothes on? So it's like this huge multi-step process. And so like when people, especially neurotypical people, look down their nose, it's like, oh, well, when is the last time you showered? And it's like, look, lady or guy or whoever, it's like the whole thinking about shower is exhausting.

Thinking about the shower is more exhausting than taking it some days. Yeah, absolutely. And the thing, like for us, the spoons, how many spoons do you deal with? So, so this next one, I can only deal with so much in a day and that limits and varies from day to day. I will experience burnout if I push beyond this limit. So when I say I can't do anymore, I mean it. By greedy means.

Oh my God.

There are days that I wake up with 9,000 spoons and I have 9,000 spoons to do everything. I got plenty of spoons to think through the process of taking a shower and doing all those things. There are other days I wake up with 2 spoons. That's it. That's all I have for today. What does that mean? Where do I sacrifice the spoons to? And I can tell you very often, especially for ADHD women, we very rarely sacrifice the spoons on ourselves.

Well, and the thing is too, like, that is, I think people think that just your regular everyday baseline operations, people don't realize that those take up spoons. So getting myself out of bed. And eating is a few spoons, you know, it's like, so it's kind of like when people talk about invisible labor and generally they're talking about the domestic and the emotional labor that women do in a house and how it's invisible.

People just assume it gets done.

But if you take that a step further, invisible labor is your baseline functions because it's still work.

Michelle. Yes. Thank you for being with us. It's so, it's everything is work for us. Every, there's so much for us. And this last one was ADHD can also look like being a good student who's a pleasure to have in class because no one else can see the anxiety, perfectionism until you burn out as an adult. So you mask so well as a child that eventually you burn out. And I think that's why so many of us, and we talked a little bit about this yesterday, why so many of us are finding out as adults that we're ADHD and all of this because we masked so well as children. That we burn ourselves out. And now as adults, we don't have the ability to not be burned out. So how can we as women stop being burned out?

I can tell you what I think, but it always makes people uncomfortable. And, but then when has that ever stopped me?

So I grab it.

Uh, the cure for burnout is radical self-care. And I don't mean like, okay. So we have to change the way we think about self-care too. When you tell an ADHDer they need to practice self-care, 2 things happen. One, it seems ridiculously indulgent, and 2, it seems selfish. And so I'm not talking about sitting still or taking a 5-hour nap or whatever. If that is what you need, okay. But life is a marathon, and if you don't replenish yourself As you go, you will come to a screeching halt. Self-care is the oil change for your car. Self-care is remembering to eat and remembering to drink water and to move your body. That is self-care. And then if you're lucky enough, we get a little clarity and we can do some self-care for our soul and our brain. And if you've never read the book, The Art of the Wasted Day, Fabulous, fabulous read.

It's an amazing book.

She's hilarious. She's a great writer. And, but read it and it talks about how there is an art taking that time off. And I'm 100% sure that the author is neurodivergent and it was like undiagnosed cuz they didn't do that back then. And, but she talks about the art of the wasted day, about how you really have to find things. that feed your soul, because when you find those things that feed your soul, then you feel rested in here and in here and in your body. And it, that is different from just, from just fiddle farting around.

So I'm going to come at this from a little bit of a different angle. As women, we're told we're high maintenance, we're drama queens, all of that, if we need too much self-care. And the world, the self-care things that the world is talking about Is having to have your nails done every week, having to go get your hair done every week, having to get a massage every week, having to do all of these expensive upkeep cosmetic weird things. That is not what we're talking about. Not at all what we're talking about. Radical self-care is feed your body 3 times a day, a minimum. Put water in your body every hour. Feed your need for sensory input. What does your sensory input look like today? Mine is going to be play therapy at epic levels today because that is what I'm going to need to keep myself from burning myself out this week. My other part of self-care, and this is a huge thing, and so many ADHD women argue with me about this, is support. We need support. And our support is, who's gonna help me not have decision fatigue today? Who's gonna help me pick what tasks to do? get done today? Who is going to sit next to me or with me to get my house clean, my paperwork done, work on client work, write content, whatever it is that you've got to do? Who's going to be by my side to do that? That is radical self-care for us with ADHD.

And okay, and it shouldn't be like that. Okay, for anyone, neurotypical or neurodivergent, radical self-care should not be We eventually, we need to get to a place society-wide where radical self-care is not just making sure that you get enough sleep and water and food. Okay. Because those are baseline functions. That's way back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. That is the very bottom of that pyramid. And that is not, that is not self-care to where you can grow. That is self-care so that you can exist to see another day.

Yes.

And as you look at that, and people have revamped it multiple times, the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. So that baseline function is the very, very bottom of the pyramid. But as you go up, like you have to have the baseline to survive. The next step up is you have to have it to exist kind of as an adult, but to be able to grow in your journey, it's really like almost towards the top of the pyramid.

Mm-hmm.

It's the 3rd section. And then there's a teeny tiny point of 4 on the top. But to get any kind of growth, you have to be way high on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. And what I tell people, it's not an all or nothing. It's not like I'm just going to do baseline functions and I'm never going to be able to do anything else. That's not true. On the days when you have minimal spoons, baseline functions, it's a baseline day. I have zero spoons. I'm going to live to fight another day. That kind of thing. When you have more spoons, you move up the triangle. You are baseline functions and maybe one or two extra things, like one priority thing. It's those days when you have more spoons than you know what to do with. That's, those are the days where you get more accomplished and you grow, but we're so excited about having a day that has lots of spoons. We spend them with reckless abandon because we are afraid that we'll never have another day like that. And then guess what that does to you?

It burns you out. It burns you out. So how do you prevent burnout? So I'm gonna come at things from a very practical standpoint. How do I keep myself outta burnout? Play therapy and not play therapy like traditional therapists, whatever. I'm talking about integrating fun things into my day to make my day more dopamine hits, which dopamine hits help you keep from being burned out by the end of the day. And I'm talking day-to-day burnout, not the, the, if you are in huge, massive, you've been masking your whole entire life type burnout, that is a very different conversation right now. And we are here for it and we can help you get out of that burnout and we can teach you how to One, get out of that cycle. 2, how to prevent it. And 3, how to deal with it day to day. So that's a separate conversation. But right now I'm talking about day to day burnout so that tomorrow I have energy, right?

Play.

Play. I am going to be wearing my Disney ears. I am so excited. I get to go to Disney next week. I've got a lot going on. I'm going to be traveling by myself. So there's things going on for me that are taking a lot of mental energy right now. So I need to give myself. The things that my brain and my body needs in order to prevent that mental energy from totally wiping me out today. So I, for breakfast, had 45 grams of protein. I know that that's what my body needs today to help it burn it. 2, I had extra caffeine because caffeine makes me happy and not because caffeine itself makes me happy. It's the taste of the caffeine that makes me happy. I have no idea if caffeine actually helps or does anything. That's Neither here nor there. I love the taste of the caffeine. I made myself a very, very nice latte this morning. A 40-ounce latte this morning. I'm going to rely on my support system. I need my support system like you wouldn't believe today. Gina has already been helping me since 6 AM. Like, I'm reaching out and using my support system. My support system are the thing that are going to keep me going today. Vida, Gina, I'm going to body double multiple times today with people. Because I need that in order to one, get things done. I have a lot of physical energy. I have a lot of spoons today. Mental is where my problem is. So all of those support things are going to keep me from burning out today because decision fatigue is gonna be a problem for me today.

Yeah.

I have a village and I need to use them and rely on them. And that is, I think in 90% of my clients, not every single client, but in 90% of my female ADHD clients, they don't have a village. Or they don't access their village very well. They don't ask for help because they won't help themselves, so they don't ask for other people outside help either. And that's a very typical thing since we've learned to not ask for help. But when I ask for help, when I allow that help to be part of my systems, burnout is not a big deal for me. What works for you when you're having one of those days?

What works when I'm having one of those days? I use play therapy. I mean, I, I have kinetic sand that I keep in a dill under my desk and I put my feet in it and it is just my feet sand. For those of you out there that are like, oh, you touch that with your hands. Like I have just feet sand. Okay. And then I have one jewelry slide telling me that it's kind of magical. And I do that because, and it is the, the sand that I use under my desk is the The sand, sand, the beach sand, kinetic sand, because I love going to the beach. And so it is kind of a sensory trick for my brain. Um, I have lots of interesting little things on my desk. Sometimes at lunch we will have karaoke party while we cook lunch for me and my kids. And so we do lots of things that inspire joy. We are super silly and free and unmasked here at our house because there are great portions of our life where it's still not safe to be your authentic self. And so that, I think for me, is what the play therapy is about. It's creating safe spaces for me to unmask because when I unmask, I am feeding my soul. Absolutely.

So play therapy, absolutely. And things for me, like play therapy includes having cute little lights of the Death Having Lola. Okay. I'm gonna tell you, Vida and her husband are my greatest sense of dopamine these days because they give me Star Wars gifts. So I have the Death Star that lights up. That's from Vida. I have R2-D2 headband that makes noise and screams and all kinds of things. And I have Lola on my desk who also makes noise and does things. And all of these things help me stay more centered and happy. I love it. help with my dopamine hits because they're feeding my fun side. And then I have all kinds, my husband buys me Star Wars figurines that are over there and actually they all fell over in the disaster I've had this week. So I've gotta deal with that. But I wear headbands. I will go sit outside on the grass and work outside for a while because it's relaxing and grounding.

Okay. When you work outside, a really easy play therapy thing, and they have them, they're selling them everywhere right now. Get you a little bubble blower and put it and make it, if it, if those bubbles blowing on you is weird, don't do that. Like force it, like turn it away to where they're just milling around in the air. But it's twofold. One, it keeps the bugs away from you. There's a little camping trick for you. And 2, it is fun and whimsical. And who doesn't love bubbles?

So I have an industrial bubble machine. Um, my husband and I used to do sound for bands and clubs and stuff. So we have an industrial bubble machine. My husband gets a little mad because the stupid bubbles for that are very, very expensive. But I will get that out every once in a while. The stupid thing also weighs like 80 pounds, but I will get that out and it feels good and it's fun. But all of these things, sometimes it's playing with sand, sometimes it's playing with fidgets, some, and a lot of time, and like I said, a lot of time it's body doubling. I will tell you, people ask what the 3 keys of me getting, because I am a high energy, high spoons person, even being really, really sick. For those of you that know me, I've gone through cancer and I've gone through major, major issues where I've ended up in the hospital for weeks and then the blood disorders. All kinds of stuff. And I still have a lot of spoons. Why do I have a lot of spoons? Play, support, and body doubling. And body doubling is a form of support, but I look at it as very different because there's village support, somebody I can talk to, somebody that's going to make decisions for me, help me go eeny meeny miny moe, whatever it is that I need. And then body doubling is somebody just to be there, to be in the room with me. And that's different. That can look like just listening to a podcast, like, and I find podcasts with people having discussions, not just a single person podcast, but podcasts with people talking back and forth. That's almost as good as body doubling some days for me.

Yeah. Well, yeah, because you can't always body double with people. I honestly think this is why a lot of neurodivergent people have the screens on for background noise. Like if you're listening to your favorite show in the background and it's specifically for background noise, you're doing that because you're subconsciously body doubling. Like it's a sense of safety. You are not alone. There are things in there that like, you know what's going on. So you don't have anxiety. You're piping in your own ambient noise.

Some days it's listening to music. A lot of times that I've talked about this, I listened to the, the ambient noise of Galaxy's Edge in Disney World, because that helps. Again, it's something that's a dopamine hit for me, but it's noise and it's crowd noise. I actually hear a crowd in the background. I have written some of my best content and do some of my best work at Panera Bread and at a bar at night because it's loud and it's chaos, but I'm not in the chaos. Like, I am not part of the chaos. I am just on the edges of it. And that really, really helps me.

Well, and one thing, okay, so we can always help other people very easily, but sometimes we have a hard time helping ourselves because we're so close to it. I, for I don't know, a while. I just, I feeling like probably struggling with burnout, but it's like, I'm, I don't feel like I'm getting enough done, even though I'm knocking things off my list every day. And I was walking through my house the other day and I had finally cleaned off the kitchen table, which is a huge accomplishment. Everyone knows, cause we kind of have a doom pile. And I was like, I need to change my location. I need to sit at the kitchen table for a day or two. And use that novelty of being in a different place. Because what's happened is the energy of my office is good, but it is, it's white noise right now. And I need something different and slightly chaotic to make me more productive.

And I sitting out in, so I have a backyard that's quiet and all of that, but I will go sit on my front steps and take my laptop out with me because cars are going by and people are going by and people are walking and the dogs are barking and, and That changing that helped. I really encourage, especially if you're an entrepreneur working from home, change your location. And you're like, but I have kids at home and I can't do that. Yes, you can. Your location could be the living room couch, your bed, your child's bed, your child's closet. I want to tell you how many times I worked in my son's closet because he wouldn't look for me there. The bathroom. I sat in the bath. I grabbed all of my pillows off my bed and blankets one day and I put them all in my bathtub and worked in my bathtub.

Well, and the thing is, I need you guys to think outside the box. Our brain craves outside of the box. So sitting at a desk in your office, it's good to have a space. Okay. I'm not saying that it's not, but there are occasions where we need to lean into our need for different things and put pillows in the bathtub and work in the bathtub, sit at your kitchen table. And the thing is, Kitchen tables. I've talked to several clients. They're like, they have a dedicated office space, but they end up sitting at their kitchen table and that's where they get stuff done. And I'm like, I understand. And they're like, why is that? And I'm like, because it's a hub of activity. You're never alone. People come in and out. And even though everyone knows mommy's at work or whatever, they're not bothering you. They're still there and you're not alone. So another reason body doubling works is because we feel obligated to stay on task Because other people can see us. Mm-hmm.

And, and then there are other days where you need complete and total silence to focus.

Yeah.

And the body doubling is also nice for that because a TV, having a TV on in the background and not being able to hear it, like putting it on silent is not gonna work. But being on Zoom, on camera where you can look up and see somebody in the, even if it's just in the corner of your screen every once in a while, watching you and glancing at you every once in a while will help even if there's complete and total silence.

Yeah.

So how are you getting the support systems you need to help you stay out of burnout?

And if you don't have one, you can come talk to us about anything. Anyone that saw us at CHAD last year will tell you that we are the easiest people to talk to in the world. Like, it doesn't matter if you're a super introvert, extrovert, whatever. We are the ladies that walk around in tutus carrying a hula hoop that just make life super fun. So feel free to DM us, reach out, comment in the stream, like whatever you're comfortable with. But please, of all the people in this world, don't be afraid to talk to us because we, I mean, the only thing you should be afraid of is the fact that we may talk your ear off. That, that's about it.

So Laura is on YouTube with us and commenting. Oh, thank you, Laura. I just got all of your comments all at the same time. Laura says, good morning. This is the way.

It is the way.

Maslow hires higher. Maslow's hierarchy works in so many ways. Got to use the energy when I have it or I never get anything done. So how do I figure out my balance? So you don't. I will tell you one of the biggest things that I had to learn with my energy, and Laura also suffers from chronic illness things. So Laura, one of the biggest things I had to figure out is always use somebody else's energy to help balance my own. And again, that's the body doubling, the working alongside somebody. This, and Laura is actually really good at this. She shows up to most of our body doubling sessions and things like that because being in somebody else's space, one, being able to chant, chat, vent, share, ask for help, all of those things are necessary. But being in somebody else's energy, even via Zoom, it's not quite the same as in person. But even via Zoom, you can absorb other people's energy. And that is, people are like that, okay, Danielle, that's very woo. No, that's scientific. So that is not some woo witchy weird thing for anybody who doesn't believe in that. That is truly scientific. Be in someone else's energy. You can take on some of their energy. And if you show up, if I'm by myself, and even if I'm really, really, really struggling, and everybody in our program knows this, if Danielle is sick, And going through chemo and just really, really down. If I get more than one person on a call with me, my energy automatically skyrockets and I'm there for you. How can I help? What can I do to help you? And people are like, how do you give so much energy away? And I'm like, because you just gave it to me. I'm just giving you your energy back in a way that actually will work for you versus not having it.

It's a total boomerang effect.

It is. It absolutely is. So how can we help you get outta burnout today? We've got lots of ways. We have a free community, which doesn't include body doubling or anything. We do gift you some every once in a while, but we have a free community. I'll drop the link below. You also can, um, come into our program where you get unlimited body doubling. We have scheduled body doubling 4 days a week. We do training calls. We've got all kinds of freebies for you, all kinds of stuff like that for just $19.99 a month. And when I say unlimited, I mean unlimited body doubling. And then we have all the guided stuff too. So we've got so many things for you and we tried to make it as low cost as possible. We also have coaching if you want one-on-one coaching or just chat-based. Our chat-based is $99 a month. Our one-on-one coaching is $200 a month. You can use HSA, FSA. We have tried to make this and give you the village that you need in a way that you can free, free. Everybody can do free. Then we've got $20 a month. I mean, a little less than $20 a month, but it really does help. And I do this because this is what I had to create for myself. And when I had to create this for myself, it was costing me like $2,500 a month when I originally did this 20 years ago. It was costing me $2,500 a month to get all the support I needed. And I was like, no, ADHDers can't afford that. Very, it was wonderful that I could do that, but not everybody can. So we're here to give you that without that cost.

Yeah, that's 100% a thing. Like we are trying to help the space.

We want to help the space. It's why we've created things at the price points we have because it's our passion and we truly believe everyone deserves it. I hope you all have an amazing day. We will be back next week. I will be back from on the road next week. Uh, look out for a lot of crazy lives. I'm going to actually drop in and do lives all over the place randomly all week long as I can. I will be doing some VIP work this next week on site with a whole entire family of ADHDers, getting them organized, helping them regulate and get out of burnout. So I look forward to doing all of these things I talk about with you on site in person with somebody. I haven't done that in 5 years. So I'm really excited to do that. If you guys have any questions, you need support, you just want us to answer a question, you can DM either Vida or I or ND Out Loud's page. We, we will get that. We will answer you. We're always happy to help. Have an amazing day, everyone.

Bye.