Rejection Sensitivity Is Not a Personality Flaw

We often feel like our emotions are so big. Okay, well, we don't just feel like it. Our emotions are so big. And we get stuck in that rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And I am actually going to talk about what that is first.

Please.

What is RSD? It's a neurological and emotional response. So we, I think we have often have this The wrong thinking that it's just an emotional response. It's not. It is a neurological response, which is why our emotions are so entrenched. I think it's a good word for it. We get so entrenched in our emotions.

Yeah. Heavy, kind of heavy.

Yeah. So it's, it's not just being too sensitive or taking things too personally. It's an intense Instant emotional pain triggered by real or perceived rejection, criticism, or failure.

Well, and it's even— it feels huge even when it's a little criticism, like, oh, if you would like pull your hair back a little bit, your face would be more exposed. That even is something that kind of hits differently. I see that it's bugging you too.

So, um, so the thing that I want you— let's talk about the neurobiological part of it. It's not about your character or, or the fact that you're too much or a drama queen or whatever we've heard. It's about your brain wiring. Your nervous system reacts and then it increases cortisol. It decreases your dopamine. It increases your fight or flight. So it is a survival response. Your brain is trying to protect you even from social danger. And of course, our brains being overactive as they are overshoots it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And then we also have the trauma-informed part of it of, remember, we're criticized 20,000 times more 20,000 people, 2-0 with 3 more zeros on it, 20,000 times more than our peers on emotional responses and being too lazy or whatever, whatever, whatever. So emotional regulation gets that fight or flight piece added to it. And again, it overshoots.

Yes.

So it is a neurological response. It's not just an emotional one. And I think that's the one thing that People need to remember.

That's, that's a big thing right there because it's always assumed it's just an emotional response. And that's why we've gotten a lot of that criticism of, oh my gosh, you're so much. Oh my gosh, you're so— you're too much. Your emotions, you're so sensitive. And I'll be honest, I had that told to me a lot is that you're so sensitive. In fact, when I even— and I don't know that my dad and mom remember this, But it's okay if they don't. When I was younger and I said I wanted to be a social worker, my dad told me, there's no way you could be a social worker. You're too sensitive. And I thought, oh, maybe I can't. And so I never pursued it. I never did because I thought I couldn't do it. And so do you see how even those little bits and pieces get intertwined in our life and it can stop us from doing the things that we were probably meant to do? Or stop us from being who we really are, or even taking that step forward out of that comfort zone to try it and see. So there's a lot of things that it affects. But when we're told, you're so sensitive, you know, that shuts people down.

It does. And for me, I was diagnosed, and many of you have heard this story, I was diagnosed as mentally retarded and my family Even in some ways to this day still treats me like I'm mentally retarded. And yes, that is actually a diagnostic term, people. So it's not just me being horrible negative.

Right.

But my family still treats me like that. Mind you, I'm somebody with 4 master's degrees, and, and I think this is part of why I have 4 master's degrees and working on my PhD, and I've built businesses and sold them and done all of these things. Because I'm trying to prove them wrong. And that is a form of rebellion in me. And it also has been a form of rebellion in personal relationships. And I'm always trying to prove somebody's— a point to somebody. Yeah.

Yeah. And, and, you know, we do that rebellion side of it to push back and prove we are good enough. And here's a funny story. You're going to laugh at this, Danielle, my husband. Had my son and I digging a trench, and this was in our other house. And we were digging a trench across a driveway because we had a circle driveway. So it was that old little small rock stuff that was in yeah, and it packed down from like twenty years of driving on it. And so it was hard to get through. And him and my son got into this battle, and it really ticked me off. And so I went a little probably too far off on him about it. But he made us so mad. And both my son and I are ADHD and he made us so mad. We got that trench dug that afternoon because we were so pissed off and we were like, oh yeah, watch us. And then later on he's like, yeah, I knew that would make you mad enough to do it. And I was like, that is not nice to do. But jerk, he's probably in the other room hearing this. But the reality is, is that that was an incentive for us. Now, we can use that as something to be— I don't want to say a motivator, and I don't want it done in a nasty way. But when we can recognize that sometimes we can use that to move us forward in some areas. So, you know, I hate to put everything into a negative aspect. I don't— I just don't like to live that way where everything is a negative. What positive thing can come out of the RSD? Well, that was one of them. I mean, not in the best way or shape or form.

I will tell you, my RSD has made me get 4 degrees and working on my 5th, you know, like, but it's, it's made me figure out how to do life better because I didn't want to live in that.

Right. Well, it's, it's pushing back against that, that stigmatism of, well, you're just too much, or, well, you're just so sensitive and, and you can't handle life. No, we can handle life, but the reality is, is that we handle it differently and we have to understand those big emotions. How are they coming in? Why?

And I think the other part of this and, and where RSD is a negative is when we get stuck in it.

Yes.

And I have so many clients that come that their, their ADHD or autism, chronic illness, whatever is the excuse of why they can't do anything because they've been told they can't. And they get stuck in that rejection sensitivity and getting stuck in the negative phases of that and not seeing that there is— I hate to call ADHD, autism, whatever, a superpower because it's not unless you have—

It doesn't always feel that way.

Oh, absolutely.

It doesn't always feel like a superpower. And sometimes when people say that, and this is my own, and take it for what it is. Sometimes I feel like they're saying that and it's a minimization.

Yeah, it's not. So how I always explain RSD, all of the negatives that we deal with about being neurodivergent, or having chronic illness, because obviously that, that's a big thing for me and my chronic illness some days. And I will tell you today, hard for me to show up, hard for me to be here today. And all of these things, I look at being ADHD as Robert Downey Jr., Jr. in Iron Man.

I love him. I love that movie.

Because when he's just normal, regular, he's freaking annoying and obnoxious and narcissistic.

Arrogant.

And I want to slap him.

Right.

Exactly.

Right.

When he puts on his Iron Man suit, he has Jarvis in his head, who is way smarter, way more analytical. Way more. Okay, way, way more, way more better.

More everything.

And everything. And he has that hardened structure around him that is supporting everything that's bad about him.

And you know, sometimes that even reflects back to like people that need the weighted blankets. It's almost like when you were saying that hardened structure around him, that's what popped into my head is having that something comfort that you can just pull around. And that's what Iron Man has. I mean, he's got that protection wrapped around him.

Well, and somebody else's voice in his head telling him how to actually get to the point of doing things instead of just running his mouth and not doing anything.

Right.

Right.

And I'm sorry, it's just cracking me up because there's been quite a few of my clients that they'll talk to me later on, you know, as we've worked together or even after we've worked together and they're like, Shay, Your voice is stuck in my head, and I'm like, sorry, not sorry. Sorry.

Um, well, I have a client who reached out to me yesterday. She was so mad. She was so angry with me, and she was just like— and she hasn't been a client in like six months because she's done so well and she didn't need me anymore. She was pissed, and it took me forever because it was just this wall.

Oh, wow.

I had to keep scrolling 3 or 4 times on my phone to read it all.

Uh-oh.

And I'm like, okay, so what's bringing this up for you? Well, I tried to use ChatGPT, and all I— all it spit back, it was your voice at me. And you're in my head, you're in my ChatGPT, you're on my computer, you're in my planner. Why won't you go away?

Because I'm in your office.

Well, let's look at this a little differently. She goes, No, I did the thing and I got it done and it was fantastic. Just go away.

Oh my gosh, that's hilarious.

And I'm like, but did it give you the structure you needed, right, to get the thing done?

She said, yes, that's beside the point.

And she was joking. She just had to vent and let go. And like I said, I had to scroll forward For like quite a few times, but it was hilarious. But she's like, "But you built the structure around me so good that I find it in everything that I do now." So she says, "But I very rarely have a day where I fail now." There you go.

That's that's what we're striving for with all of this. With all that we're doing is to allow people to not have. Everyday failures.

And let me tell you, this woman only worked with me in my group program. She didn't work with me one-on-one because she didn't need that level. She only needed community support and the group coaching calls. She learned, and we, her and I've talked about this because she worked with 2, 3 years, and all of those things are now built into every aspect of her life that she doesn't need to continue paying for us. She doesn't need us every day, though she did say she was coming back in because she's going to be moving. And that's good for this one.

Yeah.

And so she already knows that she's planning to build structure and support system around herself for the big events in life.

But she's got those, those structures embedded into her day-to-day, and she knows that there's a community there for her at any time, no matter what. It doesn't matter if she's moving, if she's had a baby, if she's starting school, if she's got kids that have, you know, the ADHD, autism, anything, there is a level of comfort when you know that there's a community there, even if it's only like 2 people, even if it's 15 or 20. I'm telling you, that community support has been a game changer for myself and for other people that, you know, I have been around. Like, even my husband's like, wow, since you and Danielle have been working together, oh my gosh. Like you're moving through things a lot faster than you ever did. I said, that's because I have somebody I can bounce something off of, not just Danielle, but the whole community, and say, look, I don't understand this. Is this something to do with ADHD? Is this something to do with autism? Is this something to do with chronic illness? Please help. And everybody will pitch in and give the support that's needed because, come on, guys, seriously, We are not here as individuals to live individually.

We were never meant to. We weren't meant to do life alone. And humans in general, neurotypicals, neurodivergent, whatever, humans weren't meant to do life alone. We were meant to do life in a community. And in the hive system, hello, why I named it Hive was really about the— your hive is only as strong as The interlocking of each other. We have Shay who has the things that she is amazing at. Relationship building and support and emotional connection are a huge thing for Shay. I am not your emotional support person. I I am not. You need a tip, a trick. So yeah, you need a tip, a trick, a tool, a how to. I will. I I can give that to you in two seconds flat. Do not. If you start crying, I'm not your best person. Shay is Shay is your person.

I'll just start crying along with you, so then we'll both be crying, and that's even better.

Want to know what? That helps.

It does. It does.

It helps.

And for women, I need to tell this to all of y'all out there that are having those moments of crying. First of all, let's see where are you in the age group. If you're in the younger age group, you're releasing emotions. That's part of what we women need to do. If you're perimenopause, you're releasing more emotions. So we cry more like we're pregnant all over again.

Okay. I have never been an emotional person ever crying at TV commercials or any of the normal female things that women do when they're frustrated, all that. I have never done that. Then I hit perimenopause. Perimenopause. Oh my gosh.

We should call it Mary Pentopause because that's what it feels like. We can't even talk sometimes. I mean, seriously. But perimenopause really affects— I mean, it affects every woman in some form or another. But what is not really known out there, and maybe you've talked about it before, I'm not sure, but perimenopause with any neurodivergence— hello. Get ready because you thought you were riding a roller coaster before. It's time to put the seat belts on because it is something that we just are not ready for, but it can be exacerbating all of the ADHD, autism, neurodiversity, anything that's in that realm. It can be exacerbated by the perimenopause.

You're welcome.

But get your buns in this community because you're gonna need some help, y'all. You're gonna need some support.

Oh my gosh. And I— RSD was— I always have understood that from a clinical level. Like, I very rarely had much RSD came up. Now, I say that because I always looked at my rebellious side as not an RSD thing, and it took me a while to understand that my rebellious attitude against things was a form of RSD. But the Full-on rejection sensitivity that causes the emotional meltdown is not something that I had trouble with. And I've known I was ADHD since my teen, my preteens. Uh, but man, perimenopause, it's a whole new world out there. And I think that's part of why so many women are getting— older women are getting late diagnosed with ADHD because That hormone shift is taking the things where we used to mask and be able to mask and create our own systems and figure our life out. And yeah, we did life in a little quirky way, but we were just slightly quirky. And then we hit perimenopause and full-on neurodivergence, like every level at the max, max level of every single thing just called.

Well, and then you're told, oh, you didn't have ADHD before menopause. You don't have it now. I'm like, back up a step, okay? Because here's the thing. Even though you may not have clinically had it or a diagnosis before, what's to say you didn't have a mild form of it and then perimenopause hits and guess what? Now you're full-blown in it. So don't underestimate what's going on and don't always believe everything the authorities say because sometimes you know better about yourself than they do. And you can understand more about your own body than they do. They're not walking in your skin.

Absolutely not. So if— so let's talk about unmasking a little bit. What is unmasking for you? What has unmasking been for you? Because you're, you're like, you're later diagnosed, and these are things that you've gone through more recently.

Well, I was diagnosed in like late 30s, early 40s. I can't remember, but in that time frame, and I really didn't start unmasking till last year, or this year I should say. A little bit last year, but more so this year. And I think it's because when I was— I didn't have the diagnosis, then I had the diagnosis, I'm like, okay, no big deal, I'm not gonna really change much. And then I had a car accident which caused a TBI, mild TBI, which then exacerbated it. And then we throw on perimenopause and that exacerbated it. So I was always trying to walk around with everything's okay, everything's okay, it's gonna be fine, all of it's good. But at home, you know, my husband would be like, oh no, she did not. I mean, I was literally falling apart over the stupidest things or getting upset over the dumbest things because I didn't have any other release. I couldn't release it in front of my friends. I couldn't release it in front of, you know, whoever. I was trying to build my coaching business. I was trying to do this, trying to do that. And there's so many things that we're trying to do that we have to look a certain way or have a certain appearance. And so I was so afraid that if I didn't fit into that square box, that I wouldn't be successful. So there's the masking all the time. Everything's okay. It's all good. Go home, have meltdown. Okay? Then the masking came off. And frankly, then this may come across very blunt and rude, and that's not how it's meant to be. I don't care. I don't care what other people think. I don't care what other people expect. I don't care in a lot of that aspect. And that's not saying I don't care about people or don't care what they're thinking. It's, this is what I'm trying to do. This is who I am. And so therefore, your expectation on me, if I choose not to live up to that expectation, that's okay. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Doesn't mean that I'm awful. Doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. It just means I am not accepting that expectation because that's not within my parameters of what I choose. That's it. But we have lived so long masking that we're trying to fit into this mold what everybody else thinks we should. I had one client that came to me, which is what turned the light bulb on. And she said, if you would have showed up like all the other coaches, makeup on, hair done, you know, having your jewelry on, all of that, and looked so professional, I wouldn't have talked to you. And I said, well, what made the difference? She said, you showed up in a hoodie with your hair in a ponytail, hardly any makeup on, and I don't even think I don't think you had any jewelry on except maybe a necklace or something. I said, what made the difference? She said, you were relatable. You were relatable to me. Well, guess what, ladies and gentlemen? That's because she was neurodivergent too. So therefore, it opened the door of saying, be yourself because those are the people that you need to reach and those are the people that are your community. If we stand behind this RSD all the time, this masking all the time, Life is gonna suck.

It just— And sometimes it takes us a while to recognize that we're even doing it.

Yeah.

Um, I think unmasking for me was— I love all of the new TikTok videos and reels and stuff of I Don't Care Club.

Oh yes, I found that last weekend.

There's so many of them. And I'm laughing at the neurodivergent ones that, that are just discovering or thinking, not diagnosed yet, that they're neurodivergent. Because I'm like, I could fix that for you if you'd listen. I could fix that for you. I could fix that for you if you'd listen. But of course nobody ever does. And I had somebody get really, really rude because they're still masking.

Uh, you know, masking is going along with that perfectionism. And when you drop that perfectionism and you drop that masking, do you know how freeing it has been for the last 6 months or more since you and I've been working together, and especially after our Disney trip. Oh my gosh, I know, I can't wait till the next one. But the fun thing was, is that that was the first time I really was me, like dancing down the street or, you know, shouting at the top of my lungs on a ride with one of the other friends and just being me. That was so—

Chasing Winnie the Pooh and Tigger to take pictures.

Maybe. Yes. I mean, it's— we have never really been able to just allow ourselves to just be. We've always been fitting into something, you know, making sure we fix everybody else instead of ourselves. And so we've never been just us. And when that happened, I mean, I get very emotional when I talk about it for too long, but It's something that allowed me for the first time— and I'm 54, I had to figure it out because I just had a birthday. I'm 54 now, running down the street at 53 years old in the middle of Disney. I know nobody cares, but that was a big deal for me. And around here, it's not that easy to do. But when I came back, it made it a lot more easy to do because I had a community that still wanted me to be me instead of fitting into some, here's your box.

Unmasking in community is so much easier than trying to do it alone. Now, I will say that I I unmasked fifteen years ago. Actually, yeah, I unmasked fifteen years ago, almost a month to the day of fifteen years ago. There's a story that goes with that. But I went to my. first conference 15 years ago next month. I'm starting to see in my memory some of these stories come up of me getting stuff ready and people calling me insane. I went to a professional conference that I got selected as a woman in tech to speak at.

Ah.

15 years ago, very few women spoke.

Yeah.

They were the booth babes and the secretaries and the community expert type people. There's nothing wrong with those positions, but you will understand when I say they were the, they were the teeny boppers of the world. Not teeny boppers, but you get my point.

I get it. Yeah.

Uh, and I decided to go to this conference because somebody had nicknamed me the Minion Queen because I had a bunch of minions and I, because IT guys, it's like having a group of minions some days. Um, And I decided that I was going to go in a crown and a tutu and have fun with it.

That's awesome.

So I walked up into— I had about 500 IT guys in a room learn from me. And I walked up on stage in a pink, really poofy tutu, like double my size widthwise tutu. A crown, a purple sparkly— and I mean the sparkles were falling off of it— shirt. I left a trail of sparkles everywhere I went because everybody laughed that we know Danielle just went through here because she left sparkles behind. Combat boots.

Hmm, I like that.

And sparkly makeup, like crazy rave style. Sparkly makeup. And for the first like 15 minutes or so, all of these guys were sitting in their seats with their little pamphlets in front of their face.

Trying to figure out who you were.

Looking over at me every once in a while. By the time we were done, that room of extremely neurodivergent men were interacting with me and talking with me, and I The funniest thing happened. I had an entourage everywhere I went after that.

Interesting. Isn't it interesting how being you is what actually drew people to you?

Exactly.

And that's where I think we miss out a lot, is when we're not being ourselves, we're not allowing those that really need to connect to us or want to connect to us to be able to do that. And that's, that's where the unmasking comes in, to be able to build a community and not only build the community for where you're living, but also build the community from where you're working, building a community from where you're interacting with kids or with teenagers or with—

Can look like wearing the Disney ears to a coaching call or whatever. They could look like the tutu and the crown at a professional conference. And yes, now this is my signature and I do this all the time. And I think CHAD isn't amused with me when I go to CHAD conferences, which is the Children and Adults with ADHD, because I end up with people hanging out with me and people wanting to talk to me. And it's so much fun. But that first year we went, Vida had a hula hoop and was hula hooping in the hallway. And we had bubbles and we were laying on the floor coloring and we all had tutus and crowns on and It doesn't always have to look like that though. It can just look like wearing your hair in a ponytail and not wearing the uncomfortable, itchy makeup to a phone call.

Yes.

It can look like giggling while you color in a coloring book in a corner by yourself. It can look like saying, I don't give a fuck.

Uh-huh, all the time. Makes it a lot easier now.

It does not have to mean you're crazy and out loud and, and quirky.

Well, and you don't have to be running up and down the street screaming, I'm neurodivergent, I have ADHD, and I'm gonna be me. You can do that if you want to, but being you doesn't mean you have to be a certain way, right?

There is no expectation to unmasking, and I think I think that's really hard for especially neurodivergent women to figure that out. What does unmasking look like? And I think that's where, um, we need each other more.

Right.

Because we have— sometimes we have to figure out what that means. For some clients, I will say a good portion of my clients, just because of who I attract, it does mean something wild and quirky and crazy and loud. And we are ND out loud here, and we take people consistently to allow them that space to do that and to discover in safe area in a safe space. Because let me tell you, you could dress however you want and be as loud as you want and giggle and laugh and whatever in Disney World. Nobody looks at you funny.

No.

So taking a group of neurodivergents that don't necessarily know how to do that to Disney World just helps promote that because there are others doing that.

Well, and I wasn't even out loud. It was just, I was free. You know what I mean? It— you— there's no expectation for you to be an out loud person or outlandish or any of that. It's, you're just getting out. You're stepping out from behind that mask and being you, which is something we need. Women are so locked into so many roles that we focus so much on those roles that we forget about who we were before those roles stepped in.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So what does being out loud mean to you? What does being unmasked mean to you? What does allowing space for your RSD mean to you? If you don't know, if you're frustrated by how RSD makes you feel, if you're frustrated because you can't figure out how to unmask, come join us at NDE Hive. We totally have a safe space and you can melt down and cry Or be loud and obnoxious and annoying, or every be very sweary today. Whatever it is you need to be, be. Just be.

Because when you're being, you're you, and that's what attracts the others to you.

Exactly. And the envy hive has created so many. Really close friendships and relationships. We have created friend groups for other people, and I'm not necessarily the center of every one of those friend groups. I know that we have 3 or 4 different, different little mini hives of people who have hung out together. I've got my Tuesday night hive. I have my Monday morning hive. We have our Wednesday hive, and everybody has created their friendships so that they gravitate together and get the support they need. Yeah.

Oh gosh, support is so underrated. People don't realize how much even this much support can change your life.

Because we're not telling anybody how to be ADHD or how to be autistic or how to overcome and cure your whatever. Don't get me started on that because you're not going to cure it, first of all. Number 2, it's the figuring out how to support and create the systems and stuff that you need. And they aren't routines and they aren't new habits that you have to build or anything. The only habit I want you to build is show up. When you show up, you're showing up for yourself, not for all of us, not for anybody else. When you show up, that's when change comes.

And if you don't show up, then you've got a team behind you or a support group behind you that checks in on you.

Hey, where are you?

Yeah, what's going on?

Do you need a meme?

Do you need a phone call? Do you need a text?

What do you need?

Hello?

Right. So what do you need today? Find your hive. I really encourage you to find your hive, whether that's with us or someone else. Please find your hive. We would love for you to reach out to us. We are the cheapest hive on the internet. We are $19.99 a month, which is less than $5 a week, and we will be remaining at that price through end of year. It will be going up $7 a month. I don't want to have to raise the price, but I fortunately have to for all of the new things we have coming.

Mm-hmm.

But if you get in at $19.99, it will be $19.99 for life. So come in, join us, and get daily support, as in 5 days a week. Okay, actually 7 days a week, because people were messaging each other all weekend. It was very busy this weekend. And you're supporting each other, and people did a 2-hour body doubling session yesterday. Come join us because everybody's available all the time in the support the way you need for you.