What Unmasking Really Looks Like (Late Diagnosed AuDHD)

This is Danielle and Vida with ADHD Out Loud, and we're here talking about the craziness that was learning to just be ourselves, to unmask, to just be ourselves. All that means when you're an ADHD.

I mean, I was late diagnosed and late unmasking cuz I didn't realize what I had been doing for so long was masking.

So I was a very traumatized child, did not really understand, even though I'd learned in my preteen years that I was ADHD, but didn't understand what that meant. And, and nobody back then had the tools to teach girls how to ADHD because girls didn't ADHD. So obviously I was the weird broken one. And then I didn't learn until I was in my 20s when my son got diagnosed that I was on the spectrum. But even unmasking, I was so traumatized and professional and had to do the things the way everybody expected me to do them that it took me. Years until the last 3, 4 years to start unmasking, and even not 100%.

And there are times when, not as much now, but still there are times when I'm met with certain social interactions where the mask just falls back into place because it was conditioned for so long. So looking at my parents, looking, knowing what we do about the brain, looking back in our Family history. My dad was autistic. I couldn't tell you that 100%. I'd stake my career on it. But my dad was extremely uncomfortable with crying, and kids were not supposed to be noisy, and certain pitches hurt his ears. And so I learned to suppress emotions, but I really learned to suppress sound when I cry. You just cried silently if you cried at all. And I, I say this, and, and that's kind of traumatic, but I say this because now when people— I'm around somewhere and people cry, which is totally valid experience, but they make noise, it's so jarring to me.

My emotion was not allowed. If I cried, I'll give you something to cry about. If I got angry, I'll give you something to get angry about. If I was too quiet. Why are you so quiet? What's wrong with you? You're whatever. There was always a criticism. And so many of us as kids heard that, especially those Gen X and older, definitely heard that. But mine was at a break-a-bone level.

Right.

And then I married someone who is ASD in emotions, and that's not a thing for my husband. Not because He has the most white picket fence childhood and, and he's still just, that's not a part of him with his brand of ASD. That's not a thing that he gets. Doesn't understand emotion at all. And that was safe for me because I knew not to show emotion. I knew not to do the things. So it, it was just an easy transition for me. But now that I'm unmasked, And he's starting to be as well. It's volatile. Volatile would be a good choice.

We're both—

he's Irish and Scottish and German, Italian and Russian. You can imagine tempers run pretty hot around here.

Well, something interesting that I found. So one, I have learned to unmask myself in lots of fun ways, and I just, I love myself more. People talk so much shit about me growing up in different aspects or whatever. It didn't matter how small I made myself, people still talk shit. So I just learned to lean into it and just be weird on purpose. And the more I was, the more fun I was. But when you unmask those fun parts, it unmasks all the parts. So my fight or flight button is broke. And like so many of us, there's a lot, there's childhood trauma there too. But if I unmask my emotions and with our autistic take on emotions anyway, it's like, oh, are we fighting? Let's fight.

Let's go.

It's not like, oh, you are angry and I'm gonna be quiet. No, I can do these things now.

Same. I'm good. Let's go. But it comes to that with a lot of things. The more I've unmasked and learned I don't have to dress like everybody else expects me to or have my hair like everybody else expects me to or wear the jewelry everybody else expects me to, I can have— I have so much more joy in life now.

Yeah.

Because I was always so worried about everybody else's expectations and how I should act and what I should say and how I should look. And that made me hate the way I looked because I didn't look the way everybody else expected me to look. I wasn't skinny. I wasn't 6 foot tall. I wasn't coordinated in heels. I'm fat and I'm round and have bumps and my skin sucks and I have issues with my teeth. And all of that just made me think that I was so much less than. Unmasking has made me so freaking confident in myself. What I do, what I know, just, and don't argue with me about what I know because I will tell you and I'm not afraid to tell you.

Saw this meme yesterday that said, and it was from Lord of the Rings, and, uh, it says when someone tries to, to argue with an autistic person about their hyperfocus, and it's, oh gosh, the bad wizard, the one that goes bad. Anyway, he goes, oh, so you choose death.

That's pretty darn accurate. Don't argue with me on something that I have hyperfocused into expertness in. And the list is long, plentiful, and continues to grow because I can outthink you and tell you anything if I've spent the time to learn about it. If I haven't, then you're not worth my conversation and I'm gonna walk away because you don't bring me joy and it's not worth talking to you anymore.

Which, so that brings up a really good point. Being unmasked can be scary. There's a level of bravery that, that you have to embrace to do it. However, it is so much easier to do if you're with friends, if you're in a safe place. So you were with Art in your marriage. It was safe to show emotions. So may not have gotten them all the time, but it was still safer to show your emotions. So you, you start leaning into that safety. And, and I tell people this a lot of times with kids. If a kid throws a fit and misbehaves in front of you, most of the time it's because they feel safe enough with you to have that emotion. That's why kids will behave at school, and then when they get home, they melt down, because now they're in their safe place and it's okay to do that. So as an adult that's trying to unmask and live their most authentic life, I just always veer away from the ick because there's so much ick. In life, and like I said, I try to be weird on purpose every day, but not weird in a way that's like systematic, like an F you to people because just because I can. I have a rule: my weirdness that I do every day has to be something that makes me smile, that I enjoy, and I'm giving myself permission to do it.

I like that. I like that because often when we're trying to figure out how to unmask and what that looks like, we go from the closed-off extreme of this, having the mask on and held tightly and duct taped on 20 different ways with super glue, to, oh, I can go all the way over here now. And there's collateral damage that comes with that.

There is. That's why, that's why I like— I would never tell anybody to reel it back in. I wouldn't. I just try to tell people that when you're unmasking, try to be a little bit more conscious of it, because what happens is basically you've been on a diet your entire life, and then when you unmask, you're going off the diet. So if you binge on all these things, you're gonna get sick, you're gonna get a tummy ache, all these things. So when you unmask, take it slow. Do some small things, see how it feels like, then build up. And also don't do things just because it pisses other people off. You have to enjoy it. That's the biggest thing. If it pisses them off and that is also something you enjoy, that can just be a bonus.

I may or may not be at fault for that. So parents don't like that, even still I can 48 years old. My parents hate colored hair. That was never allowed. My parents don't like short hair. That was never allowed. My parents don't like multiple earring holes. That was never allowed. My parents— purple. I was banned from wearing purple. If you know me, 90% of what I own is purple, and I have multiple holes in my ears, and my hair right now is not because I gotta fix it, but it's usually dyed purple. And it's short. And I bought a car that wasn't a GM. And how dare I? All of these rules and things. And am I doing some of them to piss people off? Yes. That brings me an immense amount of joy. And I don't know why. I probably shouldn't care at this point. Still do. It's funny. But that being said, it took me a long time to realize that I wasn't just doing it to pick I was doing it because I genuinely love wearing purple. I genuinely love having the purple hair. I genuinely like— but you have to find that out, and it takes some time.

Know that when I started unmasking, I legitimately did not know who I was. Like, what do I like? I don't know. It's like that scene in The Runaway Bride when he keeps asking her how she likes her eggs. And she's like, I don't know, because she just went along with whatever, whatever, whoever she was dating at the time did. I'm like, that— I related to that so hard. So I printed off a list of questions that you would ask someone if you were dating to get to know them, because that's what autistic— my autistic brain was like, yes, this seems valid. So I printed off a list of questions you would ask someone that you were going to be in a relationship with. And I started asking myself, and I would try to fill out a couple every day.

For me, I decided I had zero idea. I didn't know what my hobbies were. I wasn't allowed to have things like that as a kid. I didn't know what I liked to wear, what I wanted my style to be. I didn't know any of that. So I just started trying. I decided that I couldn't figure out what it was I liked. Like, I would not have at the time been able to ask myself those questions. So I just started going, she looks interested, let's try what she's got on. Oh, he looks interesting. And I honestly, the first place I started is everything my parents told me I couldn't have or do as a kid because it, it, it had stuck in my head. It was the thing I wanted, I wanted to try. So why not try that? See if that works. And there are many things that I wasn't allowed to have as a kid or do as a kid that are just, I don't do all of the things I could do as a kid. Some of those just don't fit me. But I, over the years, have tried many different styles. I've tried many different things, food, trying different foods that I was never allowed to have and textures and all of that.

We're constantly evolving. So even if you figure out what you like, it may not be what you like in 3 months. So when I was filling out these questions, some of them I couldn't answer. So I had to go like you did. I went and tried stuff on or like, yeah, I'm going to try that food or whatever. So I love to shop at thrift stores. Stores because I am not confined to a certain style because of cost, right? At a thrift store, you can literally try on any style. You can purchase it and wear it around and see if it is you. So that's a very easy way that I did for my, my style. But for food, what were we talking about the other day here at the house? Oh, so my husband really likes to go to the Velvet Taco. Have you ever been there? Yeah, they just have all different kinds of tacos, right? All different kinds. And when you read through some of the descriptions, this is super scary. Why are all these things on a taco? It's just different stuff. So I turned it into a game that every time we go there, I order one taco that I like, that I already know that I like, and I order one different one. And so I can take a bite of it, and if I don't like it, I make my husband eat That's fantastic.

That's awesome. I hadn't even thought of that because there's still things I haven't tried because I've been afraid to. Now my husband is the human garbage disposal. I'll just try and make him eat it. That's a really fantastic idea.

There is that, or sometimes if we go to a new place, I'll order something and he'll order something so that we can try it.

And my husband, my husband and I do that, especially with moving, because we moved from New York to the Deep South, Birmingham, Alabama, and different worlds. You need a passport after being a New Yorker for 40-something years. And there were so many things that we were like, look at the menu going, you know what this is? No. You try that one. I'll try this one. We'll see if we like either. And we've been here almost 4 years now. We now have our favorite places, safe places to eat. And, uh, but learning, it's Culture shock. That's exactly what learning to unmask is—is it's culture shock, except for the culture of you and learning what your new culture is going to be—a very freeing experience, terrifying experience. But it also, like I said, confidence. My confidence now is don't mess with me because I'm when you ask anybody, I'm confident. If I decide I'm doing something, I'm just doing it, and I'm doing it my way, and get out of my way because I will make your life miserable. I'm fine with that. Like, I don't have an issue. If you have an issue with how I do something, go away. You have a choice to go away.

I think it— okay, so unmasking to a degree is learning to care more about what you think than what others think, learning to care more about your comfort than others' comfort, because that's what we have been doing for so long. We have been sacrificing ourselves at the altar of other people's comfort. And we have been suppressing, like, our stems and suppressing our voice and suppressing our discomfort and things. And I don't mean, like, we need to stand on a soapbox and be like, I don't like this, this is why, and lay people over the head with it. I don't. But a very polite, no, I don't want to do that. Is you starting to unmask. Like, you don't have to try a bunch of things on if it's not super scary. You'll get there. But just start to gently advocate for yourself, and the unmasking will come.

And something else that— and still hit roadblocks with this here and there, and Vita hit me a major one back a few months ago— is RSD is something that I rarely experience at a deep level for a couple minutes. And people who aren't ADHD experience RSD symptoms that, that they haven't experienced then. But for those of us with ADHD, RSD can be crippling. It causes so much depression and anxiety and so many other things. And that is something that with unmasking and with the attitude that I have built being able to unmask, Mm-hmm. I'm not entirely sure my husband likes who he built because he encouraged me to unmask and be me. And there are days I'm pretty sure he looks at me and he's like, what the hell did I do? He said that to me before. But for the most part, my confidence in the objection sensitivity is very minimal for me, which means my overwhelm is less overall. Do I have days? We all have days. Okay. Understanding that learning to unmask and finding out who I want to be for me, what brings me joy, what calms me, it means I know what my— more aware and purposeful with my actions, my emotions, all of those things for myself, which does spill out to others.

There's one specific example of me unmasking. a way that scares the shit out of me, and I don't really feel like doing it, but I did it in spite of myself, specifically because children see everything I do. So when we go to the beach, wear the bathing suit that I really want to wear but I'm not confident enough to wear, and people will be like, oh, that's a body image thing. Like, it is. But who gave that to you? Like, will you be uncomfortable wearing that? Why do you, you know, like all these things? So I wear a bikini every time we go to the beach, and it doesn't matter if I'm a chunky monkey at that point of the season or if I'm a little more slender, I still wear it because in my head I am modeling to my kids that I can be fearless in that aspect. Because I grew up being told to like, up, like a lady, like these things was these weird things about like, you also need to be slim and you need to do this. And it's like, I'm awesome no matter what I weigh. So I'm going to dress like the awesome person that I am. Now, sometimes I'm like, to take a couple deep breaths before I walk out of the door. Like that. But if you're out there, like, just forget because you're at the beach and you're just gonna have fun and it's no big deal. But my 17-year-old daughter doesn't have a body issue. And amazing. And she'll wear like, sure, it's kind of weird and cool, I think I'm gonna wear it today. She has zero issue with anybody talking about what she wears. Like, 13-year-old son, same way. At Christmas time, he saw this coat and it was a woman's coat. It was in the women's section and it had fur all over it. And, uh, he really wanted that coat. And I'm like, okay, but it's in the women's section. And he goes, I don't care. Like, cool coat. And I'm like, no, he misunderstood me. I was like, it's in the women's section, so it's going to be cut different. My, my concern as the mom was that he was not going to fit it very long. And his concern was like, I don't care if people say it's a girl's coat or not, it's cool. That's awesome.

And, and I love that my son is very much— again, my son is 26 and married now, and he really does not care what anybody thinks at all, to the point of he's really rude about it. Actually, teach him to not be rude about it, apparently, but he doesn't care. He wears what he wants to wear. He Like, nobody— he does what he wants to do. He does things in very non-traditional ways. Everything he does is way different than everybody else, and he's fine with it, and it doesn't even occur to him. And even now, for myself, there are things that I will say to me, and I'll be like, oh yeah, I guess I— that's not like everybody else does it or should do it or whatever the thing is. I didn't even think about it.

But when I'm working with clients that are like, I don't even know where to start, If they have kids, sometimes it's a little bit easier. I'm like, you have a 5-year-old or know of a 5-year-old. Generally those kids are unmasked. They live life out loud. They do whatever makes them happy. And I'm like, what made you happy as a kid? Like really use a lot of regression techniques for people when they're trying to learn to unmask. I'm like, like the swings. Did you like to blow bubbles? Do you like to hula hoop? Like, what did you like to do? Just find one.

Yeah. And have fun. Wow. I think for us being as unmasked as Vida and I, I went to the Todd conference in November. Yeah. It's so much fun. And we showed up to a professional, professional conference. This is not the first time I've done this. So this was my idea. Like, we wore tutus and crowns. And Vida's like, hell yeah.

I was like, get it out of my closet right now, because of course I have a tutu and a crown.

I brought multiple tutus and multiple crowns. We attended this conference and we got known and tagged as the tutu girls because we were willing to unmask and just be ourselves and have fun. And we sat on the floor and colored in coloring books, and Vita hula hooped and was teaching people to hula hoop. I do not hula hoop. I am too uncoordinated. Learning to just have that freedom in yourself is so Such a big deal. And that's one of those things that we work with all of our clients on. I actually had a conversation with a potential client yesterday, and I'm like, if you could just do one thing that you think is weird, but you look at it and secretly go, oh man, I would love to do that. I'd like to go to that, the jumping trampoline place with my kids and have fun. I'm like, take it on. And he goes, I can't do that. I'm an adult. And I said, do you know anybody there that's in the place while you're there other than your kids? And he goes, no, we just moved here. Go ahead, find it. He took the day off work today. They went.

Oh, that's amazing. I'm so jealous.

That was so much fun. And he said, my kids said that this was the best day ever.

Yeah. A lot of times kids just want you to play with them. But you, hard to play. It's hard to get in that mindset if you're masked.

So this is something that part of Upgrade Your ADHD, Be Your ADHD Just Better, we talk about ADHD Out Loud. All of these things are concepts that we work on with every single client. So if you want to know more, come join us for our summit called Thrive with ADHD. We are teaching you to thrive. Unmasking, Maya's actually going to be talking about this at the summit. So you're going to hear more about this. I'm talking about how to overcome overwhelm and RSD and executive dysfunction and how not to live in that overwhelm of the overwhelm, which I'm going to tell you a secret kind of to this conversation of unmasking a bit. But come, come learn. Come join us. We have so many free options. Come join us. The summit is actually 100% free. Our Facebook group is free. We are here to help you learn how to unmask, gain that confidence in yourself and confidence in the world around you.

Ah, check it out because this whole process of unmasking is so much easier when you find your group.

It is. When you can find your community to unmask with, you sort of each other sometimes and it gets a little crazy, which is awesome and amazing and exactly what you need to feed your soul sometimes. 100%. Have a good day, everyone.