When ADHD Coaches Coaches talk Life...

I love that we never know that when it's gonna actually go.

I know. And then when we watch the video later, we're all like, 10 minutes already on.

So if anybody catches us just talking beforehand, we're just waiting for the system to tell us we're live, and we are live. Good morning, everybody. I hope you're having an amazing day today. It's just Danielle and Shay talking, talking ADHD, talking life, and the realities of living with ADHD. So right now, the realities of living ADHD with— for us is ADHD and menopause.

Really? I mean, just the words together is just lethal and deadly.

Oh, so if you are over the age of 30 and really struggling, you notice your ADHD meds aren't working or your normal coping skills aren't working, there's probably a reason and it's your hormones and it sucks. And is there help? Yes, there's absolutely help. There's natural help. There's synthetic help. There's all kinds of help. You just remember to ask for it because it's not just you. I promise.

Nope. And it's not easy to ask for the help. We get it. But the bottom line is, is nobody's going to help you unless you ask. If you go to the doctors or you go to your naturopaths or your functional medication or medicine doctors, you have to really tell them what you're thinking and what's really going on because they go by the blood tests normal. Guys, we're not normal. I mean, every person is individual anyway. So when they come back and say, oh, your blood tests are normal. Yeah, no. Don't always just take it for what it is.

Yeah, you really need to talk to somebody who really focuses in on hormone levels and all of the hormone levels, levels, not just the big— you're within normal levels, but really low on the normal side.

Yeah, but doesn't that mean that there's a problem?

Yeah, well, that means it's different than it was, right? Right.

But you're still in the normal range.

If you're ADHD or didn't know you were ADHD, hitting menopause and perimenopause can bring that— all of the coping skills that you've had for life, wipe them out and make none of them work anymore. And there's so many women that get diagnosed after this time of life hits because things are a jumble physically, internally.

Well, and you know, it's funny, Danielle, that we're talking about this because My car accident did that. It 10 times my ADHD. So I kind of hit it early and then menopause on top of it later after the car accident. So it's been like a fun roller coaster for 5 years, 4 years.

I hear that for many women with, uh, that have gotten a TBI or concussion syndrome that they really hear have all of that bring ADHD like to the forefront immediately.

It was so sad for my family, my poor family. They're like, "What is wrong with you?" I don't know. What do you think's wrong with me? I mean, just it it actually changed my personality. The TBI did, but it also exacerbated all that ADHD and all the things that I had that I normally use. Like you didn't know I had ADHD unless I was super super super stressed. Then it would pop out. But after that, oh.

Well, and part of that is in just menopause, TBIs, concussion syndrome, um, severe illness like cancer, uh, having chronic illness, all of these things can bring ADHD to the forefront. And part of that is because women are so fantastic at masking and adapting that we— and it's why we don't get diagnosed as early or— As easily as men do because our symptoms, how we're wired as women, our symptoms are very different and we can adapt to them easily. At one point in life, I could at least. I cannot now. And it's, it's really, it's such a huge change in how I do everything. And then you've got hot flashes and the random rashes that come up and the random— Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Weird cravings that I had when I was pregnant. Why do I have them now? Because I definitely do not have— like, that's not happening.

I'm glad you said that because I was having some cravings the other day and I'm like, yeah, I haven't had this for like 18, 19 years because my youngest is 19. So I'm like, what?

Mine's 27.

I'm just like, what?

See, this is my little baby now, but mine's sleeping on my feet right now.

He's not getting enough attention, so now he wants to be a part of it.

Got it.

You know, it's interesting with that. And, and what I really hate is hearing people say, that's just how it is, so you'll just have to deal with it.

No, we don't just have to deal with it because there is help. I mean, I know I have some clients that start ADHD medication in menopause and it helps their menopause symptoms and it helps them function again. Um, I have other women who go on bio or some other hormone replacement therapies and see great Great results, right?

But it's just knowing yourself. See, I think that's part of it, is we don't— with us masking everything and pretending it's not there, pretending it's not really going on, we do ourselves a disservice because we don't recognize where we're at to begin with. So like, if you're starting to gain weight, if you're starting to deal with brain fog, if you're starting to deal with, you know, concentration, um, remembering things, Getting your work done. Holy cow, how many of us are struggling now to get our tasks done during the day? And it's just that point that you are saying, okay, is there something wrong with me? Instead of being like, there is something different. I know it's something different, so let me take care of it. But we keep getting told over and over again, it's just the way you are. It's just the way it's going to be. And I'm a little more of a fighter. So when they told me, well, you're weight gain, that's just part of menopause. I'm sorry, no, I've kept it off for like almost 10 years. So don't tell me that that's natural and normal. Well, you're just in menopause. So you just get to deal with it. No. Otherwise, everybody over the age of 40 would be like gaining weight like no other. That's just not true. So it's the same thing with our ADHD, looking at it and somebody saying, well, that's just the way it is.

That's right.

Don't go off of what anybody else is saying, right? It's not. The way Danielle handles her ADHD is different than the way I handle mine. We have contributing factors outside of just the ADHD, you know, some medical issues, some injuries, whatever it is. But that doesn't mean that we just live with it. That means we find the processes and we figure out the systems that work for us. And there's lots of ways to do that.

Oh my gosh. So, so one of the big— the best ways I found was community. Like, I have to have a community with daily accountability. Without that, I don't function at all. And my daily accountability reminded me of 3 things that I said I wanted to do this week last week, and I totally forgot about them. Um, and this is why I have a community. And mind you, it's a community of other ADHDers.

So—

Right. ADHDers, as a rule, can function and have executive function for everyone else in their life, but not themselves.

Oh, that is so true. I can function and make sure everybody in my house is on time for the deadlines they need to meet, the work they need to get done, the chores they need to finish, the outside work to get done. But if it comes back to, okay, Shay, what do you need to do for your business? Or what do you need to do for you? I'm like, um, I don't know.

Uh, no idea. Well, and, and I was on a group coaching call today and The person that mentioned, oh yeah, you said you were going to do this, this, then this this week. And I was like, oh yeah. Oh no, it was a one-on-one coaching call. It wasn't a group call. But anyway, and I repeated back to her for what she was supposed to do this week. And we were all good. And this is why ADHD coaches make the best coaches for other ADHDers because we can executive function for you. I can be your executive function.

I can be your brain.

I can be my own.

Right. I mean, we have our quirks and we have our funny little things. I mean, you and I, the first time we met, we were joking about how many drinks do you have sitting on your desk, you know? And this is just because I have 2 hands. I can grab more, but I have 2 hands, so I have 2 cups. But it's interesting, the quirks that we understand can be able to help those that are in our community. If somebody is holding me accountable I will hold that promise to them much more than I will myself because it's a lot easier, isn't it?

Oh yeah. It's way easier to show up. It's way easier to show up for someone else than it is yourself.

Right.

And this is part of why community, I think, is so essential for me. So 25 years ago, when I went down this path, I was filing for bankruptcy. Wait, 27 years ago. Filing for bankruptcy because I had had another failed business attempt, big dumpster fire. And I say another because it wasn't the first. I mean, first bankruptcy, but not first business failure.

Right.

Our electric got shut off. We were losing our house. Everything was a disaster and I was determined to fix it. And medication, I could not take medication. I had horrible medication side effects, Back then.

Same here.

There were very few medications that were available to us mental health-wise back then.

Right.

Um, and I reacted terribly to all of them. We didn't know I was autistic as well as ADHD at that point, which answers a lot, but everything was falling apart and I needed help. And I went to college to get my degree because I had to become a therapist because there had to be a way to hack my brain. I was determined to hack my, hack my own brain. And how I learned was group study, study groups with other people to get things done. I'm like, I can do so much more in a group study. Why am I getting so much done in a group study? Which made me go, oh, body doubling, body doubling is huge. And I started doing that. My next business coming outside of that while still in college and raising a toddler hit 6 figures in 3 months.

Oh my gosh.

And you want to know what the 2 things I did is I had daily accountability. I had daily accountability. I met with somebody, a body double person, every day of the week. We body doubled together. And that was via Skype back then.

Oh, Skype.

And that was so many Skype minutes. So many Skype minutes. I kept having to read up my Skype minutes. And if you don't know what that means, You're too young to even worry about it. Just don't worry about it. And so daily accountability and community. So talking to multiple people about what I was doing, helping them and have them help me, that was huge. And then I built that one and I sold it and I did the next thing and I did the next thing. And I've now built 6 businesses and sold them.

Okay. I need some more of that information because over here we're still in that figuring it out stage. That's the big thing.

There are 3 keys to where I've been successful with my ADHD and autism. Daily accountability, a community of other people that get me.

Yes.

And a plan for planning things. I have a way I plan things out, but without community and daily accountability, the planning system means diddly squat. Like, I can, I, I can plan, like, I love to plan, and I can plan beautiful plans, and I was a project manager, so I could do all of that very detailed, but I can't do anything with that if I don't have body doubling in community.

Well, you have the planning ability, but that implementation needs a little bit of a kick with the body doubling and the accountability. And that, I think, is one of— well, not one of— I think that's part of the biggest struggles that we carry. And I didn't even understand how important community was. And you're gonna laugh, it's only been a couple years that I've realized that. And it was because I went to a concussion clinic because from my TBI, and I went to the clinic, we were there for a week. And we were there, right? We couldn't go and do stuff. We went to the clinic, did our thing, went back to the hotel, and then went back again. So we were back and forth. And when we left on Friday, it was almost devastating. Like, we were grieving because we were in a community where we got each other. Like, I didn't have to explain to somebody why I couldn't think of the word. I didn't have to explain to somebody because I lost track of what I was thinking. Or the headaches that I had all the time or any of that stuff. It's like that with our community, with the ADHD, with ND Out Loud. We're able to just be. And I think that's the biggest thing that we desire so much is just to be ourselves. I mean, we want to just live. Like, I walk around with cartoon socks on all the time and people are like, you're 53. I'm like, yeah, and what's your point? And?

I walk around with Mickey Mouse ears on and Disney t-shirts, and Angry Donald is my favorite because he has a serious attitude and I just love that. Um, and I get weird looks. I'm almost 50 and my husband definitely gives me weird looks, but he's like, yeah, whatever, she does her thing and it's okay. And yeah, whatever. And but it's part of what allows me to feel comfortable, one, in my own skin, and two, connect with others. Because believe me, he's like, every time time we leave the house, we find 5 or 6 other ADHD women. And I'm like, do you want to know why that is? Because I am— they see me and know.

They feel you. They feel you there. They're like, oh, that energy is— I'm liking that energy. She's relatable. I don't know why, but she's relatable. And then when they start talking to you, it all spills out. I mean, how many of us go out to the grocery store and within 5 minutes we know somebody's whole life history standing in the line?

Oh yeah, absolutely. So Disney World, I went with Disney World with my bestie a couple months ago and we got crowns, tiaras made. And we're standing in line getting tiaras made because you can get a custom tiara made. They're $89 plus tax, just so you know. Or you could do a custom wand or a custom sports bottle with crystals in it. There's all kinds of options in there. Anyway, so we're standing in line and it was my bestie who is also neurodivergent as all get out. And me, and we're standing there talking, and the 2 other women behind us, we found out that one of them also an ADHD coach and a therapist, and she works with kids with autism. And the other one is a schoolteacher that works with ADHD kids. And we just all found each other standing in line, and we were having so much fun. And the girls making the tiaras were like, you are all another level.

And we like that level. Thank you.

And we like that. But, and that's part of why I love that we're doing our retreat in Disney World, because it is a neurodivergent— everything about it is neurodivergent space. And we're going to connect with other neurodivergents there. And we're going to, we're probably going to adopt a few more, and they're going to end up in our retreat, whether they realize it or not, while we're there.

I like that idea even better. And the cool thing is, is that, um, We get to just be. We get to play.

I don't have to mask at all.

We get to play. How many of you guys have lost how to play? It took me years, years.

And play doesn't mean— doesn't necessarily mean having to spend a ridiculous amount by going to Disney like that. But that is fun. But play can be wearing fun headbands, cartoon socks, Um, getting your nails some crazy design.

I don't—

I'm thinking putting stickers all over your water bottle. It could be getting your bubble machine. Getting a bubble machine— a bubble machine just makes me so happy.

Oh, I want to see my dog through the house. I mean, you should see people when they're here and I start chasing them.

They're just like My little guy's too old for that anymore. He doesn't—

he's only 2, so we have plenty of years.

Like, I'd lost my mind. Um, but it could be listening to VeggieTales on repeat on my Alexa.

Okay, I can say I don't listen to VeggieTales, but I do love watching cartoons. Or having them on in the background.

My husband and I watch Fail Army videos because it's just hilarious and they're dumb, but we could watch 2 hours of Fail Army without a problem.

But it's that dopamine of laughing.

It is. And, or playing— my husband and I play trivia. We've been avoiding news and regular TV for a while, right? So we played trivia games on YouTube constantly and we're laughing, and we're both autistic, okay? So I'm Audi HD, he's just autistic, and we find— we like to find the wrong answers to questions and prove them wrong. And we have a lot of fun doing this because a lot of these are AI bots now. A lot of the trivia things are AI bots.

My husband is— he is super ADHD. Like, we are a big family of ADHD. We have 9 blended kids. They all have varying degrees. Some believe they do, some believe they don't. That's okay, they'll get there. But when we are all together, it is a madhouse, first of all. But just daily, my husband makes me laugh daily because he will say off-the-wall things just to make us laugh. But that's how he always is. That's how he releases his stress, his frustration from coming home from work or something. He'll just be like, oh my gosh, you know, and then he'll say something and it'll just make us laugh. So I think if we start focusing on how can we, one, have a lot more laughter, that's what will bring in the play because then we'll start recognizing what we enjoy. And 2, don't be so serious.

It's okay. It's okay to play and have fun. And they could be things as simple as we will have toss it dinner. And toss it dinner is whatever we can toss Onto a blanket on the living room floor from the fridge or the pantry, and that's dinner.

It could—

it will be a combination of fruit, chips, Doritos, Cheez-Its. Uh, I mean, it's not going to be a healthy dinner, but some days—

and that's just fun. Well, does it always have to be perfect? No, no, get out of the perfectionism.

And, and as a mom, I think that was a lesson I— and it took until my son was like in his 20s before I learned this lesson. As an ADHD mom, I'm— you're always feeling like you're failing. You're failing your kids. There's a ton of mom guilt. I didn't have the energy to do this Pinterest mom thing or this Pinterest mom thing or whatever. I didn't have Pinterest mom things back then, but there's still a lot of guilt.

That's just recent.

Yeah, it is. But, but there's still that mom guilt for not doing the— making the correct nutritious balanced meal for every meal or packing the right lunch.

Spending all the time with them that you could or Going to places with them or taking them places because you're exhausted because you're getting mad at them.

Yeah, there's all these things. And I remember one night, and I remember this, and this was one of my all-time lows as a mom. My husband was working like 2 jobs at that point. I was exhausted. My son is autistic and ADHD, and he was horrible, and it was just a bad day. And I was didn't realize until now that I had chronic illness and was just— couldn't anymore. And I gave him— he ate Cheez-Its and raisins and peanuts and peanut butter crackers, and, and I just threw it all at him on a blanket and we watched Lion King because he loved Lion King and I knew he would sit through it.

Mm-hmm.

My son A few years ago, it was probably five years ago. Whatever. I remember that night that you did the coolest mom thing ever, and it and described that night to me and how fun it was to cuddle up on the blanket on the floor and just get to eat in front of the TV, and he got to eat some of his favorite things, and and he was telling his. now ex-wife about, about this amazing thing I did with him this one night, and he remembers that, and that was his favorite kid night.

And we're thinking it was a total disaster night. Isn't that funny how we have that perception of one thing, and then when we hear from their memory, it's completely different?

Yeah.

Completely different. And you know, there's a lot of mom fails that we've done. Oh, there's a lot of, a lot of kid fails that they did too. Let's hold them, you know, accountable. But the bottom line is, is that those are the times that they remember because you gave them something to connect to. And that to me is more important than doing everything that's on the task list for them.

Exactly.

Absolutely. As an adult right now, I mean, my daughter came to me and she's like, Mom, I loved when we had Sunday nights because I hated cooking on Sundays because That was something we grew up with, and it was always this big meal, and it was so much. So we'd do like popcorn and cut up some cheese and have carrots and popcorn and, you know, on the stove and all kinds of like little finger food stuff. But it wasn't a lot to put together and throw out there, and they loved it. And now as an adult, she's coming back saying, hey, can we have a game night one Sunday a night so we can just do that again? I'm like, heck yeah, let's do it.

So that's awesome.

Those fails are not fails.

They aren't. So what are you doing to have fun and bring in less stress in your life? Community, accountability. How can you have more fun? Because if you don't know how to have fun— at one point, about 4 or 5 years ago, I did not know how to have fun in my life, and it took me a while to figure out what that was. I lost that. Come have some fun with us. Disney. We've got a few more tickets left. Please join us for Disney. We're going to spend time with us, the two of us, fun with us. It's not just about Disney. We are doing training and teaching people how to hack into their neurodivergent brains and create dopamine, healthy dopamine, because TikTok and video games and TV and all of that, not healthy dopamine, um, and really help you live a better life with ADHD or help you as a parent deal with living with ADHDers, or as a teacher, or as a therapist. We do our online professional, um, certifications from all of the stuff that we will be teaching there if you so choose. So if you are another coach and want to learn more about ADHD, if you are a manager and want to learn how to deal with your ADHDers, believe it or not, this trip is also for you because a lot of what we'll be teaching is appropriate for the workplace and how you can adapt and work with ADHDers, if you have questions, if you want to join our community, if you want to hang out with Shay and I all day, come hang out with us. It's just $19.99 a month. We are here to have fun and show you how to have fun and show you how to have success with ADHD.

Yes.

Because it is possible, I promise.

Definitely.

Have a good day.