When ADHD Coaches talk Disney Adult life, ADHD life, Parenting

Good morning, everyone. This is Danielle and Shay from ND Out Loud. We are talking just ADHD life. We're 2 ADHD coaches and all kinds of things going on. And of course, we're excited about Disney because that's going to be part of every conversation between now and probably June. At least June.

Maybe later. Who knows?

Maybe.

Depends on how much fun we have, right?

Yeah. So we're just talking all of the things. So this week, the biggest topic of conversation I've had with clients is, how come?

How come?

How come? How come? And I'm like, well, how come what? How come I'm ADHD? I'm like, well, oh, well, you were born that way.

Mm-hmm.

But how come life sucks? Okay.

Okay.

Now we're getting somewhere. But now I can follow your train of thought. 2 or 3 times this week so far.

You know, I've actually had that conversation with a couple of my own kids, you know, not so much that it's like, how come I have to deal with this? Well, no, one of them did do that, but the other one's more like, how come it has to be this way? You know? And it's, I don't know. And they're like, well, why didn't you take us to the doctor when we were younger, Mom? I'm like, well, I didn't even know I had it myself. So how would I know?

Well, and like for my clients that are diagnosed late in life, there's a lot of collateral damage that they're finding or, or that guilt of that collateral damage that they're finding. But How come nobody saw it in me? How come, how come I couldn't help myself? How come I couldn't help my kids? How come? Like, they're really typical conversations that we have, especially clients diagnosed late in life.

Well, you know, being one that was diagnosed late in life, I do look back now and I think, you know, if I would have known then what I know now, I would have parented differently. I would have taken care of my kids differently. There would have been a lot of different things. But then again, I also maybe I'm just optimistic most of the time. I just look at like what have we dealt with and how has that benefited you in your life? And for you know the struggles that we've been through, and there's been a lot. I'm not gonna lie. Life was not easy. Mostly because I was I I felt like the crazy mom. I'll be honest. I felt like the crazy mom. There were times where I would just instantly react and start you know yelling and screaming and. All of that, but I didn't know any better and it wasn't until I was an adult that I could look at my own parents and say they did the best they could with what they knew at that time and that's not an excuse. That is the reality of what really is at that moment and how can you do something different if you have no idea what the difference is needing to be?

Well, and especially for those of us that are over like I don't want to say 35-ish, maybe 30.

Mm-hmm.

Especially as women, they really didn't know for us.

No, not our generation. I mean, it was mostly boys.

Well, and, and even, even now there's a lot of stigma behind ADHD is the little boy being the class clown hanging upside down off of his desk in the back of the room. That's ADHD. And there are some of us that that was us.

And, or we were a good mix of a little bit of that and a little bit of the internal one where it was all in here. It wasn't showing outside unless like there was a tipping factor. It wasn't like it was an ongoing thing. So it was overlooked. At least that's how it was. It seemed like for me, like it was more circumstantial, like, oh, she's acting out like that because it's a stressful time, or she's acting out like that because of something. Like, they would never even consider because of this.

Yeah, or, or you're just being lazy. You just need to be motivated. Motivated. You just have to sit down and think.

Don't try to hurt your homework in. Why don't you get your homework done on time?

Yeah.

Because I can't even focus on what I'm supposed to do in the next 5 minutes. But I was a pretty good student for the most part. I behaved pretty well. I didn't backtalk. I didn't give any sass. But yet my grades kind of went even though I was really smart. So I don't think we see the internalized as much as we see that fidget. You know, that constant movement, that standing up, sitting down, moving over here, moving over there, constant talking. I did have that one. I don't know if you had that one, but I was in trouble all the time for talking too much.

I was— once I finally started talking, I talked really late. So once I finally started talking, there was no shutting me up. But me, it was overthinking things. Like, I was constantly overthinking things.

Analyzing it. Why did I say that? How could I have said it better? Should I do it differently? All of that stuff and honestly, Danielle, I still do it.

Oh yeah. I mean—

I just recognize it a little bit faster now than I did before and that it wasn't— it isn't necessary now like I thought it was then.

Oh, so for me, well, one, I recognize I'm way more self-aware of of when I'm having issues. I know today is not a great day and I should just not bother trying to do some things because today's not a great day. Or, oh gosh, today is one of those days where I can do 9,000 things in one day. I better take advantage and grab all of my lists from the last 3 months where I haven't been able to get things done and get everything done. Yeah.

Will you please share some of that? Spend, you know, send it over.

Once every 3 months at most, I could do 900,000 things. And my team does know when that hits because they get 900,000 messages from me because I'm on the, on the ball and I'm doing all of the things so that when they are on the ball, they can do their things. Right, right.

But there's no reason to beat yourself up for it. No, that's, that's, I think the part that we miss is that when we don't recognize how does it work for us, like how does our natural flow work for us? Like my natural flow is morning. I am like, let's go, let's get things done and moving and shaking and my creativity is the best in the morning, but my husband's is in the evening. And so he'll come to me and start talking to me about stuff, and I'm like, I love you, but for the love of heaven, stop talking to me because I just cannot comprehend anything else that day.

Yeah, I'm done.

Just—

I'm done.

That's it. Put it on a list and hand it to me in the morning before you leave for work.

Right?

So how do we teach the kids to do that too? That's something that I really, I really want to help parents and help people understand is that when we can find that natural flow, oh my gosh, the productivity flies through the roof from what you were before because you're forcing yourself into something that doesn't work for you to get results. But When you put yourself in the time that you are most productive to do those things, guess what? Your results are higher or they're better, or you know how to draw someone in with you to work with you or doing it with body doubling. I mean, there's so many aspects that we weren't aware of when I was a kid.

Oh yeah, absolutely. Like now, like my 3 keys to success. I always have accountability. I always have body doubling. Like I'm on it right now, even though I'm doing live. And I always have a community of other people who get my brain. So that I could go to them and complain. We had a community user to say, say, I'm just emotionally overwhelmed. I don't need anything. I just need to tell somebody I'm emotionally overwhelmed and have you get it.

Right. Just to be heard just for a moment. Just, just to get it out of our brain because it's going like this in our brain. But if we can say it, for some reason, it's like, okay, hold on. And you can just kind of let it go after it's verbalized. But we don't often—

it's so important that we need to do that. Oh yeah, instead of spinning out or having it spin, that RSD buildup, the overwhelm buildup, all of those things.

Oh, I wish I would have known RSD when I was a kid. I thought that I was rejected all the time. I didn't think anybody liked me. And it's funny now because I'll go back and talk to some of my schoolmates and they're like, oh yeah, it was so fun hanging out with you and doing stuff with you. And I'm thinking Huh?

Really?

I know, it's crazy just because I didn't have that awareness then.

Yeah, it— well, having the awareness now is not necessarily always the best thing either.

No, but it helps.

It does help. Being self-aware and teaching our kids to be self-aware, I think, is one of the biggest gifts that we can give them.

Oh yeah.

Why does my brain do this? How? Why?

Right?

And how? Like, if you can answer that, RSD does not go away. The overwhelm does not go away. You could just manage them better by knowing.

And, and understanding our brains are problem-solving brains. ADHD brains are problem-solving brains. So if you have a thought in there, that's a question, your brain's gonna run until you hit your bottom line. Your brain's gonna run until you hit that moment where it's like, Oh, okay, then it can move on. But if you don't give it that ability to hit that bottom line and you keep going why, why, why, why, you're just running in circles until you either get exhausted, get so overwhelmed you can't even think straight, or you're just like, that's it, I'm done, I'm going to bed. And sometimes that's probably what we just need to do.

I was gonna say, and sometimes it's exactly what we need to do. So this morning I canceled my live with Britt because I wasn't feeling up to it. And I took a nap and I've been sleeping until 15 minutes ago to come do this because that's what I needed. And knowing, again, being self-aware.

Yes. And how do you become self-aware? You get yourself open to hear what people are saying to you and don't be so defensive. If Danielle were to come to me like 20 years ago, Was it 20 years ago? No, I hadn't quite been diagnosed yet. But if you'd been coming to me 20 years ago and been like, Shay, you've got issues with ADHD, the ADHD, you've got this, this, this, and this, I'd have been like, no, nobody in my family's diagnosed with that. I don't know what you're talking about. It can't be. No way. But now, as I have learned and have more awareness of what does it really look like, what is it really behaving like, how does it show? How does it exhibit? It's not just, I can't sit still, I've got ants in my pants, you know. It's more of, are you overthinking it? Is your brain running, running, running, running? I have talked to so many women just in convers— in natural conversation, grocery store, wherever, and they'll say things and I'll be like, well, have you thought of this? Wait, what? No, I can't be that. No. What if you are? Well, are you a therapist? No, I'm not a therapist. I'm just giving you information. I'm trying to educate you so that you have a tool to say, is it possible? If it's not, great, then figure out what you need for your tools.

So what is possible if that thing is not possible? What is possible today?

Yes.

Yes. Maybe I need a nap. It may be I need to make a task list so that tomorrow when I feel better, I can do the tasks, or next month when I have one of those 9 million task days, I can feel better to do it, but I know that. About me. So I keep a running list of things I wish I could get to.

Well, in being able to start learning what is your natural process— holy cow, you know what your natural process is, Danielle. I've got to keep a running list going so those days hit, I'm like ready to go. I'm not taking the time to have to remember if— what is your day-to-day process? What is your week-to-week process? Your month-to-month process? And it's not like you have to get into this big process creation thing. It's, are you aware of how you can be productive, rest, and take care of yourself and make sure that you're hydrated? Are you eating? Are you sleeping a good proportion amount of time? Are you oversleeping? Are you overwhelmed? Do you feel depressed? Are you highly anxious? I mean, there's so many things to be aware of, but take a minute. It's okay. I crashed and burned for a week. You know about that.

Oh yeah, absolutely. And I also know that I sometimes can't figure out what it is that I need, and that's why I have accountability and stuff. Because I could say to Shay, "Oh my gosh, I have zero idea what's going on this week. I just can't. I just can't." And Shay will be like, "Well, is it this?

Oh, I hadn't thought about that." Or it's like, "Hey, I don't even know what what tasks we have this week. Hold on, let me pull out my list." This is how I keep track of it. This is how you may keep track of it. You know, there's all these options and capabilities that you have that you don't even realize you have, like body doubling. I am terrible at asking for help with body doubling. I need to do it better and I need to do it more. I'd be a lot more productive, but I don't use it because whatever the reason is. So ask yourself, why am I not choosing in for some of these things that I need or choosing in for some of the things that could help me? Is it out of embarrassment? Is it you aren't quite sure how? Is it you're not quite sure where the community is? Guess what? It's right here. It's right here. Stop trying to look for it and just step into, oh, is it possible? And even if you're not diagnosed ADHD, who the heck cares, right?

Everybody has— I mean, if you are an exhausted mom, if you are an exhausted later-in-life Gen X person taking care of aging parents, if you have other invisible disabilities, not just ADHD, but you could be diabetic, have a TBI, PTSD, whatever.

All of the above.

All of, all, all of the things. Then you need to find where your energy levels are, be, be more self-aware, and have someone that is your support system that removes decision fatigue for you.

Oh yes, yes. Decision— decision— there we go. Decision fatigue. We'll just call it decision, then we know what it is, right? Decision fatigue is real. A lot of people are like, I'm just stupid, or I can't, I can't whatever they want to put at the end of that. And I didn't realize that until after my mild TBI. Like, it, it really weighed heavily on me because I'm like, am I, am I going crazy? Am I losing my mind because of the accident? Am I, you know, and going down the list of that rabbit hole of what's wrong with me instead of just saying, is it possible that I have defi— decision— see, I'm gonna keep saying it now— decision fatigue. And it hit me when my husband would ask me, honey, what do you want to have for dinner? Like, we were going to go out for a date. What do you want to have? I'm like, I have no idea. And literally in Inside my head, it was totally blank and it was because I just could not make any more decisions. So I just turned it over to him and I said, it's your turn. Tag, you're it. You know, but when you have that awareness, guess what? You can share that awareness with others so that they make it easier for you to be able to step through it.

And I often— I talked to so many ADHDers and especially ADHD women that don't ask for help. They'd rather suffer than ask for help. And why would they rather suffer? I've asked this question a million times. Because when they ask for help, that means that they're deficient.

Well, it does say that in ADHD and it's not true. I honestly, I do not like the initials for ADHD, but that's my own opinion. But the reality is, is that you're not deficient in everything, anything or everything. Your issue is the overstimulation. You have so many things that are bombarding you all day long. Work, kids, home, husband, you know, all of those are going on. Why would you not be overwhelmed is my question, not, well, you shouldn't be overwhelmed. It's why would you not be?

I, I don't— and if you're running your own business as an entrepreneur with neurodivergence, It takes so much more because decision fatigue is a constant companion and, uh, fear of missing out is a constant companion.

And fear of making the wrong decision.

Yeah.

And RSD.

So I've got 3 tips for my ADHD entrepreneurs right now.

Write them down. I'm going to.

One, there is no perfect decision ever.

I love that.

There's no perfect piece of software. There is no right way to write that email marketing. There's no right way to do social media. There is zero perfect way to do anything.

I love it.

If it takes you more than 5 minutes to figure something out— how to use a piece of software, what software to use, what should I do today—

And yes, I'm writing these down, Danielle, so I'll start paying attention to them.

And number 3, don't do it by yourself. Get a community.

Yes, yes, and yes. When you're doing it by yourself, you're just ending up throwing it like running into a brick wall as fast as you can.

I think one of the biggest stories— I mean, I've had this happen many times. I probably have 40 or 50 clients like this. They've been an entrepreneur for 2 to 3— heck, I had one that had been an entrepreneur for 7 years and made less than $1,000 in their business over that whole long period of time.

I believe it.

And it took us less than a week, 2 meetings, 4 body doubling sessions for her to get her first client that paid her more than that.

Hmm.

You want to know why? Why?

Please share.

Because I asked her, I said, well, what are your money-making activities? Well, what do you mean money-making activities? Have you reached out to past clients? Have you reached out to potential clients and just talked to them and said hi? Have you told your audience who you are, what you do, how you do it? Who, what, where, when, why, and how, right? It took her 3 social media posts and 2 DMs to get a client.

Oh my gosh, that would be fabulous. Seriously, how many of us are struggling in that swirl of—

because we're worried about the email marketing software and the scheduling software and the social media post and the graphics for the social media post and what's this new program I should create when you're nowhere near ready to create a program and you just need to talk to Hmm.

I wonder who that might be.

When we all get stuck and I've gotten stuck, I've done this. Like the reason why I could say that those are the 3 things is because been there, done that. But when you have a 5-minute rule and you have a trusted community that is a supportive community. So there are Facebook groups with hundreds of thousands of people. Like there are really large Facebook groups. Don't go to a really large Facebook group because you're going to add to your Excuse me, frustration and decision fatigue, because you're going to get 9,000 people to answer you with 9,000 different answers, and then you have to sort out what's right. And we have a rule in our community, at least, that 10 answers is the max that we as a community can support somebody with.

Um, I like that, because that's one reason why I avoided a lot of Facebook groups, is because there's so many people in there, and just to even find a post That would be relatable to what you need. You got to keep digging and digging and digging and digging, and it takes so much time. And by the time you find it, you're like, "What was I looking for again?

Why was I looking for it?" Yeah, yeah. And also, what is the point of being an entrepreneur for you? I have clients who need to make an extra $500 a month. I have clients that have goals to be seven figure.

Mm-hmm.

But you have to know why you want to do that, not that that's the goal. Because if 7-figure months is so you can show somebody up and show somebody you're better than them, you want to know what the chances are of actually making that consistently? But if you have a goal and it's realistic—

is your goal realistic?

Is it obtainable? And is it actionable? Realistic, Obtainable and actionable.

Well, and that's really true because if it's not, if you're just shooting, like you said, for, um, looking at somebody and going, look at me, I did it, that's not enough. When it starts getting hard and the overwhelm hits, you're just gonna drop it and be like, see, I told you it didn't work. No, it didn't work because you really didn't have your why behind it. And you really didn't set yourself up to succeed. You just didn't. And so—

And well, you're setting yourself up for failure because those things, that's somebody else's goal. That's somebody else's. And you look at, okay, I want to be like this person who sits on a beach and owns a Ferrari. I want to work like them. And you try to follow what their pattern is. That's not going to work for you.

No, especially if you are neurodivergent and they aren't. You're trying to take a square and shove it into this round hole to succeed, and it's not going to work for you because it's not the way that your brain works or how you are. You take all your authenticity and you shove it into a little box to emulate or be like somebody else. So you're marrying somebody else to try to be successful. That's not going to work.

It just isn't.

You have to have a really Real reason to be an entrepreneur, because entrepreneur is not simple.

No, not at all. Again, is is your goal actionable, obtainable? Is it realistic, actionable, and obtainable? Because if it's not those three things, you have to make it actionable in your way. Has to be obtainable in your way, right? And it has to be realistic in your way because exactly. If I went to Shay today and said, "I want to lose 100 pounds by April first," Shay would look at me and go, "Why are we trying to lose 100 pounds in less than three weeks?" I would say, Danielle, would you like to lose that by dying?

Or I mean, yeah, you really you have to have a realistic goal. Like I'll share a goal. One of my goals is to have enough financial income coming in so that when It comes time that I'm on my own. I mean, my husband's 17 years older than me, so let's be a little realistic. See, that's that realism right there. I want to be able to be self-sustaining. I don't want to rely on my kids. Now, is that a realistic goal? Yes. Is it attainable? Yes. Is it actionable? Yes, but I need guidance.

Mm-hmm.

Because the reality is, is I've been an entrepreneur for many years and I'm one of those people that's Like you know, after many many years it's like this much. So then I need to start saying, "Okay, I've tried for five minutes, Danielle. I need help." Instead of going, "I've tried and tried and tried and tried," and the reality is the reason it hasn't worked until recently is because of the fact that I didn't ever try to do it the way I needed to do it. I've always listened to they. The other people, those that are, are the authority, the ones—

And the funny thing is, is somebody who, okay, who is a 7-figure business owner, who is, who has followed those people and actually supported a few of those 7-figure coaches, 90% of what they tell you is bullshit.

That's nice.

I have worked for 10 7-figure business owners. One of them was actually a 7-figure business owner.

Interesting.

The other ones, their husbands were in their day jobs, corporate jobs, not—

So that's how they became the 7-figure business.

Or they lied, they cheated, they stole content, they whatever. I mean, there's a million reasons, but the process they're teaching you is the process that they get my 7-figure blueprint. I, I've seen that so many times. You want to know what that 7-figure blueprint was? That was 10 years of practicing 9,000 other things before that blueprint came up. So you're missing all of the pre-work, which means that that 7-figure blueprint isn't going to work because you didn't do that 10 years of pre-work for it first.

And you don't have that knowledge that you created from I don't like to say necessarily failing, but it is. I mean, so many of us are afraid to fail, but the failures are actually what teaches us to keep going. Those are the lessons we've learned to be able to become successful. So stop worrying about failing. Fail faster.

Yeah, fail faster. Fail upwards. Fail in an obtainable fashion.

Right.

So again, 5-minute rule. If you can't do it in 5 minutes, ask somebody else because I'll give you an idea and a tip or a trick to use, and you could try that and go, well, that didn't work, but this did work for me, so now I can add it to this. And this last thing I learned, and now I can do this.

But you have to try first.

Yeah, if you don't try it, it's not going to happen, right?

It's, it's being willing to be open, willing to trip and fall, and then get back up again. You only fail when you quit. When you stop, and those that are struggling with the ADHD and doing it in silence and hiding behind whatever mask that you're throwing up, you're not going to be able to enjoy life until you allow others to be a part of you and a part of that life. You can't have all the hardships and not have any joy unless you're hiding. You you're gonna stay hidden, and you're gonna hide behind that mask. You're gonna have life of hardships. And struggles that you don't necessarily need to deal with. I would rather have some joy in the middle of the hard. Even in that crappy week that I had and I felt burnt out, and to the end I also made some good realizations. I also realized that there was a piece of me missing that I needed to put back. Now if I hadn't done that, I hadn't failed at something or tripped over something or whatever it is, I wouldn't have found that. So are you willing to be open?

Right. You have— yeah, you have to be willing. And even if you have zero clue other than you're willing, that's all you need a lot of times.

Show up. Show up. Yep.

Show up, ask for help. That's it.

Absolutely. It's fun. Come join our fun. We have a good time. We laugh a lot. If you're not getting laughter during the day, you're missing out.

Well, and that's why we do things like we're doing a trip in Disney World. People are like, why are you doing a coaching trip in Disney World? Because when we can unmask and have fun— one, Disney, hello.

I know, right?

Unmask and have fun while learning. You can actually obtain all of that information and retain all of that information in a way that Most neurodivergents never can with information.

Yep. Yep. If I have fun while I'm doing something, I retain it a lot longer and a lot faster, which for me, having a mild TBI, that's important because I do drop a lot of information. But make things fun. Make your day fun. I mean, I wear stinking cartoon socks most times or most days, almost every day, because it's fun.

I wear my Disney ears whenever I can and I wear headbands and I put stickers all over my cups and I have stuffed animals and I have, you know. And if I'm in my office, you see all of the Star Wars things and all of the Disney things behind me. But have fun in your day because it's so important. If you have questions, if you need support, if you are struggling in parenting, life, entrepreneurship, whatever it is, just reach out to us. We are all here to help. There's a whole entire team of us who have different specialties that would be willing to talk to you. If you have any questions, please just reach out. Have