Why do you need social connection?

Hello, hello, hello! I hope you're having an awesome day today. Today is Monday, July 28th. People have started to ask me to tell you what day it is because so many people watch these days later and things like that. So it is Monday, July 28th, and we are talking about why you need social connection. Social connection Is so important. And I, I mean, I know this, I talk about this in content all the time. If you guys have seen my content, I'm talking, and especially right now, we're talking about it constantly.

Mm-hmm.

But I still needed that reminder this morning. So this morning, Katie took over as the head coach for our morning call this morning. And I've not been able to sit under Katie for coaching, and I wasn't planning on doing it. And then I came in there and needed my own coaching today. Um, and she did an amazing job and it was exactly what I needed. And then I will tell you, this morning, half our coaching team showed up. There were 2, only 2 people from our coaching team that did not show up this morning for the call because apparently the ADHD coaches were very ADHD feeling today. Everybody needed help. And one of them was a coach that is on the corporate consulting side that never comes to the group coaching stuff and was still there today because he was feeling the need for ADHD coaching. So why did we end up talking about social connection so much? I'm gonna hand it over to you since you were in charge today.

Sure. I mean, you know, how we start coaching sessions is I like to hear what's coming up for everyone. And, you know, some people were like not able to use the tools that they normally rely on, and other people were feeling just scattered and maybe wanting to do a morning routine, not having a morning routine. And then really just kind of through all of it, it just came up, like social connection just came up and it just became the basis of our conversation because doing work alone sucks. Doing anything alone sucks.

Mm-hmm.

And when you have other people who understand and who get it and, you know, even just talking about What everyone else is going through and what strategies work for other people. Everyone was like bouncing off of everyone else and taking, you know, tools. And it was so, so cool because not everyone's in the same exact situation, but we all have similar experiences. So if you have a 4-year-old, or if you have, you know, another disability, or if you're— we're all in different states of each other. Different time zones even. And so just having that support, what— and on a Monday morning was really awesome. I loved it.

It was such amazing energy first thing this morning.

And it was 7 AM for me and I was like just going and firing. It was awesome. It was really cool.

It was. And, and why was I coming in hot today? Because we have 9,000 Hundred million things going on around here. And because, because I was coming into body doubling and coming into group coaching every day, and I show up for these things every single day because I'm the one until recently who's been doing every single coaching call, and I was heading all the body doubling, and I, I, I, I, I forgot about connecting. And not just being and being the head of and being in charge of. But I forgot that I needed the connection too.

Yeah.

Which is why I started this, because it didn't exist for me 15 years ago when I needed it. And I've been doing this format for 20-something years, but— and I've been doing it in a group program for 15 years. And I still forgot that.

And how did it feel when you kind of had that, like, realization? It's—

it was a reminder of why I did this.

Yeah, it's the reason why you did it, and it's the reason why all of us are here with you, because Even when we forget, because yeah, we all go through bad weeks. Some weeks it's, you know, person A's turn. Sometimes it just— everyone— not everyone can be at their highest level all the time. But having that accountability and reliability, and even we started talking about, you know, if one person kind of goes MIA for a day or a few hours, you know, we, we're likely to check in on them and say, hey, or— Hey, I noticed you were crying a lot. You know, I noticed you were upset. I noticed you look a little bit more scattered than normal. Or just, hi, I see you. Or, hi, I don't see you.

Where'd you go? Where have you been?

Where—

what's going on? And just— I think it was a good— it was such a good reminder to me of how I show up. And I know I'm showing up for everybody else because y'all tell me that all the time. I'm showing up for you and I'm doing all of the things and It's amazing. Thank you, Danielle, and all of that.

But— But it's hard to show up for yourself.

Yes.

It's really hard to show up for yourself, especially when— because, and I don't know if it's an ADHD woman thing specifically, or there's lots of other nuances that I think of, like maybe it's an oldest sibling thing, but I feel like I always want to help other people before I help myself. And that's maybe— probably a procrastination thing too. But sometimes I get so wrapped up in, you know, I'll get everything done for everyone else before what I need to do for myself. But, you know, how can you— how can you give yourself to other people when your cup's not full? Right.

And In my cup, I, I want to be really clear, my cup is almost always very full and it's amazing and I love what I do, but I still was this morning, I was just feeling the weight of everything and I needed to just come in and, and have everything be—

Well, just kind of get your thoughts organized and just kind of—

Right.

Not feel like you're just gonna like Explode because there's so many things you want to do or have to do or things relying on you. There's always something.

Oh yeah, absolutely. And I came into the call saying my tools aren't working for me, and Katie reminded me, yes, they were if I actually show up for them. And it's not just being present, it's showing up for them in the social, not just always being in the mindset of, oh, I can't share what I'm struggling with, or I can't talk about this. I, I need this too. It's why I created it in the first place. I need this. this too. So by the time we were done with the call, 2 of our coaches who just hadn't quite connected on a personal level ended up chatting for another 45 minutes this morning.

Oh.

And 2 other coaches are like, they're scheduling things to support each other and do things. And it got me thinking of how we could support each other as a team and support our community better. Like, this morning was just— it was one of those so powerful, and it was coaching and body doubling, like all at once because we were all working on other things while we were talking. Every single one of us. I think maybe not Katie, but the rest of us were all like doing the thing. And I'm like, I just finished 3 of the tasks that I've been putting off for a week while we were all talking. And we were having such an amazing conversation in the middle of it all, which is complete and total ADHD chaos at its very best.

And you know what, I won't even say that I wasn't doing anything because I was— that was what I needed to fill up my cup that morning. Plus I was Drinking breakfast, but you know it's I it just gave normally my Mondays feel like I mean normally this is the most exciting part of my Mondays is being here with you, but it and normally like just before this I'm kind of just a ball of anxiety and I just don't know what to do and but this morning I felt like. I felt energized and I felt like I could actually do something. I think because I had that social connection piece in the morning, which is something I don't normally have, it's something I really crave.

And, and a couple of my people are like, we used to have early morning connection calls where we just connected every single morning. Yeah, can we bring those back? And I'm like, if people are gonna show up for them, absolutely we'll bring them back. So I think that's something that we're gonna actually bring back, is just a quick 15 minutes, say hi, connect. Hey, this is what I'm gonna be working on today. Today I'm in chaos mode. No, I'm having a hard time getting out of bed mode. Well, heck, I'm not on camera because I'm not out of bed mode. Whatever it is, I think those are something that we'll probably add back after.

I love that.

Because I, I think I forgot that what those morning calls were like, and this morning was just a beautiful representation of all that being ADHD can be when you have that social support that you really need.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It makes me— it makes me really want to— because I've also been reading a lot of books about, you know, like, oh, what's that book I mentioned a few weeks ago? Like, The Anxious Generation. Like, the— it's about screens and how screens are like just stealing all of our social connection. And you Forget how— because people can tell you all the time, like, we know being on our phones is bad for us, we know that. But a lot of us work from our phones or our computers, or it's really hard. And so we forget that when we actually take a second to just stop and sit and just be present with other people, it really makes a hell of a difference.

It does. And, and And we're adding screens. I mean, I, I really wish that there was some way to do this so we could all be in the same space at the same time.

It's hard. It's our, it's our world.

Our world doesn't allow for that, and, and not at this capacity. Like, you are in California, Jamie is in Maryland, Rebecca is in Oklahoma, I'm in Alabama, um, Tara is in Virginia. Like, we're all literally all over the country. And it allows us to have that human connection in a way that actually works for being ADHD. Because let me tell you, if I had to be somewhere at 9 AM, like physically be somewhere at 9 AM on a Monday morning and fully with it to have a conversation and even a conversation that I'm not in charge of, like even if Katie was in charge and I still would not be in any ability to do those things.

I know.

I'm neurodivergent and it takes me forever to get moving in the morning. I'm sorry.

That's just exactly— And that's something that no one ever understood, was that it, it takes a lot. It takes so much more than you think to get out the door and get— and I think that's why I really avoided having an, like, an in-person full-time job. And I was terrified because I know, I know from grad school and from undergrad how stressful that is to You know, I lay out all my clothes and everything the night before, but then I wake up and, oh, this one's not feeling good on me, or this one's making me itchier. I just don't feel good in my skin. I need to take another shower. And no one, no professor, no other non-ADHD student, no other non-neurodiverse person ever understood what that was like. And they just said, suck it up, do it.

Yeah. And I fucked it up and I masked for years and I masked myself into chronic illness because of it.

Yep.

All of that masking, I swear, I'm positive that I have the chronic illnesses, and there are multiple, that I have because I spent so many years masking who I really am and how I really operate. I used to get up at 4:30 every morning, drive an hour and a half to my job, and Fully in a suit that drove me insane sensory-wise, with heels, which I absolutely hate, and I'm a klutz. So just a terrible combination. And then I had to function at my most intelligent self.

While doing all those other things.

While—

yeah, it's—

that's— it takes a toll on your body.

And it's no wonder. It's like, it's like a miracle how all of us do it and I mean, yeah, and we do break, but it's incredible how we don't break in front of everyone all the time because we have such strong masking tendencies because we feel like we have to. And that's so unfair. I think it's so unfair because people don't— it's ADHD is an excuse. It's, uh, like it brings back memories from—

It's not a real thing.

No, it brings back memories from grad school where I would get harassed over and over again by my— by people that were supposed to be mentoring me and by people that were my peers because, oh, Katie has a hard time getting to even an 11 AM meeting in the lab that was a 5-minute walk from my apartment. But because I had so much anxiety around it and the executive functioning to get out the door, do everything I need to in the morning, it was too much.

And, and I had a conversation—

I had that shame, plus that shame.

And, and I had a conversation for a college class where I did an interview last week, week before, I don't remember what that was. And I, and I don't know if I've talked about this in a while, but for every single task for a neurodivergent person, it's 135 mental tasks, minimum of 135 mental tasks for a neurodivergent individual. So getting up, getting dressed for work, eating breakfast, and getting out the door, to a neurotypical person, is leaving for work.

Yeah.

To me, it's, well, how do I feel today? What, what kind of socks should I wear? What kind of— I mean, there's a minimum, like I said, a minimum of 135 mental tasks before I actually get out of bed. And take a shower, which those are tasks, physical tasks. And every one of those physical tasks, 135 minimum mental tasks.

Yep.

You would be exhausted too if you had that every single day. And then we have to put on a mask and ask— act like nothing is wrong and we're perfectly fine and functional.

Mm-hmm.

No. And, and while ADHD is not an excuse for not showing up for life and paying the bills, and there are things we have to do. When 75+ percent of the world is neurodivergent, why is that other 25% still making us feel less than?

Yeah, that's a really good question.

Because it's not that we can't do— it's not that we can't go to work, to a full-time job. We absolutely can with the right support systems in place, right? And acceptance and understanding. I think that's one of the biggest things is acceptance and understanding. And that's where social interactions with a community that gets you is so Yep.

Because other people have been there, other people have tried it, other people have been maybe more successful at explaining their executive function or their, their symptoms or what they need to be supported. Maybe other people have tried, or maybe some, some of your peers have tried doing that and it hasn't gone well. You know, that's been my experience. And it's, yeah, it's just so powerful when you're around people who get it and you can bounce ideas off of people. And it's just such a, um, It's like one of those fast charging like USBs that you just plug in your phone, it charges it like in 15 minutes. That's what, that's what being in this community feels like.

Well, and Tara just said it made a huge difference today for me, and Jamie said that, and Rebecca has said that. And for me, I went from feeling like I was not going to be able to function at all today, like I wasn't going to be able to work and get anything done today To— I actually counted before we got on this call. I got 72 minimal minor tasks done today, and all of them were 5-minute or less tasks. But I didn't think I was going to be able to do any of that today when I came into my office this morning, and I got 72 tasks done.

And you were doing it during my body tuffeling, or during our coaching session. You were just— I saw you, you like entered this like, like zone, and I was like, okay. There she goes.

And, but I didn't feel like before I got on there and connected with everyone, I didn't feel like I was able to do that at all.

I will say, like, you were melting.

I, I felt like I was going to melt. I would— I was going to complete— have a complete and total— I, I was very, very— I was feeling like about 2 seconds from tears and complete and total autistic meltdown today. And for any adult that understands what that means, it's horrible. And especially if you are The boss and in charge. It's horrible to be— feel like you're in that place. And I was 2 seconds from that. Tara says same. And that's how I felt coming into the call this morning. And within 10 minutes, 10 minutes of social connection with people who understood what I was saying, didn't criticize me, loved on me, and picked on me a little. But, but that kind of being picked on about it was Rebecca said something that I say to her all the time. It was, it wasn't necessarily, it wasn't that somebody was criticizing me or anything. It was that somebody was like, okay, Danielle, you know this, you could do this. And, and, and again, 10 minutes in, I was able to get so much done during that call. And then we, I had to go to a coaching call. I came out of that coaching call and went right back into body doubling because I needed that connection today.

Mm-hmm.

And Rebecca and I got a ton done today because we've been body doubling until just before this call.

I love it. Oh my gosh.

Because we were able to take that momentum that Katie started us with this morning and just turn it into the whole day.

I love that. That's so exciting. So I'm so proud of everyone.

This is what social connection does for when you're neurodivergent and struggling, or heck, even if you're not struggling.

Yeah.

And, and you just come in and you want to hang out with people, it helps. And my client said that to me after our call this morning. She's like, you are just— without you, I wouldn't have been able to get my whole entire schedule for the week laid out and ready for the week. And now I feel prepared for my week. And I'm like, I can't believe I just did that for somebody else because I couldn't do that this morning on my own. But hey, great.

But it's so hard to do that for ourselves. And that's Like, again, circling back to what we were talking about in the beginning, middle, whatever, it's, it's really, really hard to do things alone and to do them without someone else being there with you, someone else co-regulating with you, someone else asking, asking you questions, someone else also just going through it. It makes such a difference.

It does. It, it's such a huge difference. So if you want that connection, if you are struggling, if you are 2 seconds away from an ADHD or autistic and/or ADHD meltdown, um, or if you're in the middle of the meltdown, or if you're in the middle of the meltdown, come join us. We are absolutely here. We are less than $5 a week. We are here to help you in a way that's affordable. Like, and I, I'll, I can help you with your budget to show you how you can afford us. If even hearing $19.99 a month, it really scares you. Right now, I can help you show where your budget is and, and help you with your budget so you can stay on a budget too, for anybody having a hard time with that, because many, many, many, many have a hard time with that. And just come join us because conversations like this morning can be life-changing when you can have them every single day. And we do, we have these conversations all of the time. I just forget to accept them myself.

Yes.

Sometimes.

So, and that's okay because we forget. And so that's why we're here.

Exactly. And that's why I also need to remember to let my, my team support me too. And I always need that reminder. I hope that you are having an amazing day today. If you have any questions, if you aren't sure if we're right for you or what you need, just reach out. Because if we aren't the right fit for you, I'm going to give you— by the time you walk out of a sales call with me, I am going to give you resources that you do need, whether they are us or not. We are making— making sure that every neurodivergent person gets the support that they need every single day. Have an amazing day, everyone. Come join us next week for more of these conversations with Miss Katie.

Yeah, bye.