Why the Holidays Feel So Hard for Neurodivergent Brains

Hello, hello, hello. This is Danielle and Shay with ND Out Loud and ND Hive, and we are talking about disappointment today.

Hmm.

And we all face disappointment, but I think when you're neurodivergent, especially, okay, this time of year, I think there's even a higher level that kind of kicks in. And, and there are a few reasons why. One, Holiday stress. We have holiday stress.

All of us have holiday stress.

Even if we love our family and stuff, there's still holiday stress.

Right.

2, the change in weather. Mhmm. That affects all of us. It's less sunny. Some of us hate the cold. Some of us hate the warm. Some of us hate the dreary. And we, like, there's a different combination for every single one of us. Like, Shay loves the colder weather.

I do.

I hate the colder weather.

Well, I love the colder weather cuz it's nice. You get to wear the hoodies and have the blankets and the sweaters and you just get to feel all cozy and warm. But summer for me is just too hot. You feel sticky and yuck and yeah.

I'd rather be warm than cold, so I, I like it when it's warmer. So, so we've got that, that's affecting us from a physiological standpoint and from a mental standpoint. So weather affects us, then we have the holidays, and then something like disappointment happens. So Shay, I know we were talking about this because you've come up against things that kind of combine with a holiday and some disappointment and stuff this week. And obviously I have things that come up here and there, but let's talk about what you've been facing and what tools you're using to get through it.

Well, are you referring to the, like the holiday show we just had that was very disappointing? Yes. So everyone knows that we do multiple things so that we can keep the pricing here for our community very low. And so I do stickers and custom magnets, and I was so excited for this show. I thought, this is gonna be great, perfect. You know, it's for the holidays, it's for gifts and all of those kind of things. But it just didn't work out. It was really strange. It was the most bizarre thing I've ever seen, where people just literally walked right by. It was like I was invisible. And they would go to booths that, you know, just didn't make sense. Or the people that normally would be like, yes, give me those stickers. Yes, give me those magnets, completely walk by. And so I was really disappointed because I was counting on, you know, it being really successful and things taking off and getting our name out there and all that kind of stuff. But it was really frustrating. And I'll be honest, there were moments of tears because We put a lot of hard work into it, just like a lot of us put a lot of hard work into things. And I'm not talking about necessarily business. We've got relationships. We've got, you know, our education or an event itself. And I don't mean like a business event. What about getting a meal ready for dinner? You know, or getting a meal ready to have family over. I mean, we are going into the holidays, and how many of us are gonna be You know, doing the big meals and, and things like that. So it's more of making sure that we know how to deal with the disappointment. So how did I deal with it? Well, I got home and cried.

But you wanna know what? I think that's something that some of us are so hesitant to show the emotion and allow those emotions out. And not allowing the emotions out has Consequences.

Well, I didn't say I came right home and did that. That was a day later. So we got home Saturday night and it wasn't like late, late, but it was evening, dark out, all that. Pajamas, dinner, bed, because it was so noisy, overstimulated, all of the above. Woke up the next morning, bad migraine. And then on top of it, just that disappointing heaviness. And it stayed with me all day, and I did really well all day until I went to bed that night. And I just— I guess it was I was overtired. I mean, come on, we've got the combination of everything. Overtired.

All of the things.

Over whatever you wanna put on the end of that. And so then that's when it just kinda let loose and all the emotions came out and all the disappointment. And, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that we're weak. And I think that's where We tend to get stuck. We start down that spiral of we didn't do it right. It's not the right thing. We didn't do it good enough, or we didn't take care of it the right way. You know, those, those right words in there.

So, well, and I think the other part of it is like, I'll talk about disappointment for me here in a minute, but when all of those emotions come up and we don't let them out, then we increase our overwhelm with everything else in life. Sensory overwhelm, migraines, getting sick, like getting the flu or a nasty cold.

Yeah.

Or something like that.

Picking up all the crap. Mm-hmm.

Emotions, allowing our emotions to go out, however that is. Some of us get mouthy and angry. Hmm. Some of us cry. Um, some of us are angry cry. Some of us throw things and just our poor husbands are a target when We're like that, or significant other, whatever that is. And, but that, that process of letting the emotion out is, is a tool. It is an important tool because again, the stick and fork of me, I'm done. Let's remove some forks and get rid of that emotion and allow that emotion out. Do you need to journal it? Do you need to get on a phone call with your bestie and just let it all out?

Do you need to physically Exert, you know, because you need to go hit a punching bag, go for a run, exercise, whatever. Because some of that allows that emotion to be able to come out in a way that it releases from our body, and it's not necessarily in the tears.

Yeah. And what is the way for you? So I think that that's a really important lesson for me. My disappointment has been with my body. Mm-hmm. I Did something stupid. I probably looked at the sky wrong or something and hurt my back last week and just before Thanksgiving. And my son had just said that they were staying home an extra day just to have Thanksgiving with us. So I had this whole plan in my head. I have chronic illness and MS. The, the plan was not an awesome plan anyway. It was too much. And then I got hurt. And then I was frustrated with myself and angry with myself. And my poor husband was a saint. He was a saint. He helped and jumped in and helped with everything, but it still didn't go the way I wanted it. I didn't get to make everything from scratch. I had to use instant potatoes, and there was so much disappointment in myself of having to do that. And I didn't make green bean casserole because that was just one more thing I couldn't. Do, and there was something else I didn't make that I wanted to make, and I just, I couldn't do it all. I couldn't do it all. And there's so much frustration and anger and shame and with myself and disappointment in myself over it. Thank God my husband handles me well when that happens, but I was so frustrated.

Mm-hmm.

And the disappointment in my body failing me once again.

Yeah. Yeah. And you and I've talked about this before. You're dealing with the MS and I deal with the TBI. And so we do have disappointment day to day. It's not just at the big events or the big things that we're doing or working on. It's also day to day. We wake up with a migraine and we just totally cannot process. And so we're disappointed.

I just can't.

We can't do the day the way that we had planned. I mean, planning in our world is like, here's my plan, and then here's my backup to my plan, then the backup to my backup to the plan.

Because we have to have a plan ABC every single day because—

Right. And that's one way we handle it.

But I think the other thing that was really good for me last week is I got on and I was talking to everybody at Body Double. Like, everybody else had a similar story of why they were disappointed in themselves or filled with shame or just frustrated. We I had a community user get on, and she was just so frustrated with herself because she felt like she should be more organized than she was and just couldn't get started. And I said, okay, take us to the kitchen with you and just get started. She's like, but, but just take us to the kitchen with you and get started. She's like, by the time I walked to the kitchen, I felt better. Mhmm.

Yeah.

And I'm like, well, and it's things we don't think about.

We just don't think about something small can pull us out of that disappointment.

Someone, and it's always someone else that sees us, that hears us, that's like, oh my God, I got you. I'm, I'm there right with you. I get it. Hearing that is— I think that's one of the best things. I mean, my husband helping me and trying to be my arms and legs was amazing, and it was helpful, and I keep thanking him for that. But it still wasn't the same as me being able to do it. And I was still really frustrated and disappointed in myself, and there was a lot of emotion behind it. But me getting on with a bunch of other neurodivergent people, men and women, not just women, and saying, oh my gosh, I'm so just disappointed and frustrated with myself. And somebody else said, I'm so frustrated with my brain today, I can't do the thing. And somebody else said, like, we all had our reasons why we were disappointed in ourselves.

Well, and I think it helps us get our own clarity for ourselves.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

When someone else says something, well, I'm frustrated with this and I can't seem to figure it out, we instantly can come up with some ideas for them. Right? Not that we tell them what to do, but we're like, oh, have you tried—

Oh, this might work for you, but I can't do that for myself.

Yeah. And then for ourselves, we can't do that, but we have that bouncing back and forth in the community with people that we're able to create an environment that allows us to just come in and be like, okay, I think I've literally lost my mind. And we're like, okay, cool. Well, the rest of us have too. So what's, what's yours? You know, where did you lose yours? We'll help you find yours if you help us find ours, which isn't always easy.

But that— it changed for this other woman that came in. It changed her whole entire day, and she was so happy and relaxed after that. And for me, it was like, oh, I'm not the only one who suffers with this. And people entertained me. There was no solve for me, but people started sending me memes and people started joking with me and just laughing with others who get it. There was no fix for me. This other person, we could help her fix it. There was no fix for me.

Right.

But still my disappointment just kind of dropped and it was so much less overwhelming.

You say there was no fix for you, but there was a fix for your mindset.

There was.

And that's what I'm saying is when we come into this Community, we have that capability of seeing where your mindset is and you seeing where my mindset is, and we can kind of do that interaction back and forth instead of sitting in our isolation, instead of sitting in, you know, in bed with a blanket over our head. Fine, come in with a blanket up over your head. Put us in the dark, put us on the phone underneath your blanket, and we'll chat with you. It's, it's getting out of that isolation and starting to create a way for you to have somebody putting their hand out and saying, here, let me help you.

And somebody saying, here, I get it. Just having somebody else understand the frustration.

That was it.

So If you're frustrated with yourself, if you're stuck in disappointment, if you're stuck in holiday stress or any of the other things, come join us. We're just $19.99 a month for 10 hours a day. So if you need to come vent for 10 hours a day, please do. We have people that, especially when they first come and join us, we do have people that use the whole entire 10 hours a day to vent. Come do it. And it's, and we laugh, but it helps. There is so much help to that. And, and you're like, well, I have a therapist for that. It's not about talking to a therapist and not, not knocking the therapist because we obviously, we very much believe in that around here. But sometimes talking to others just like us who don't want to fix us and aren't gonna come back to us, aren't going to talk at us with solutions. They're going to go, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I get it is exactly what you need in your day. Come join us again, ndhive.com. We are absolutely here to help you.