Attraction Economics of Dating

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week, you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and welcome to the getyourguy coaching podcast. I am so happy to be with you today. Today's going to be kind of a different episode because, you know, oftentimes I'm talking so much about kind of the emotional component of dating. But today I wanted to talk about the economics of dating. Right. Because this is really important. A lot of us are taking dating very personally and seriously because we're leading with emotion as we think about dating. And part of navigating your dating life is understanding some of the economics and the statistics of dating. Okay? So that's what I want to offer to you right now. But just before we even get into that, if you're listening to it right now, when it gets published, this episode, please, please understand that I want you off of the dating apps. December is not the time for you to be on the apps. And the reason I say this is because most of the guys that are about something, something, they are wrapping up Q4 just like you are. Just like, you're super busy. They are getting travel plans together and buying gifts and doing all of the things that we do to wrap up the, you know, the year.

So they're not going to be on the apps, especially in the second half of December. So if you are listening to it, this episode, on December 13th, which is the day that this. This episode is published, please understand that you need to either pause them or delete them and create new profiles. And if you want to delete them, please understand that you should only delete your profile. If you are one of those girls that only swip right on a certain type of guy and you're not widening your net because you will have to kind of recalibrate your entire algorithm. So deleting it will be really good. If you feel like you're pretty open and you engage with a variety of different guys, just pause it. And then we're going to hit it back up at the beginning of January. Why do I say this? I say this because January is a Super bowl of dating. This is when most people are in their New Year's Resolution mentality. They want to get a certain kind of body, but they also are looking for love. In the new year, the apps are going to have around 40% more people on the apps. New and different people that were not on the apps before. This is why the majority of my clients will get their guy at the end of March, in the month of April, because they met their guys in the super bowl of dating, which is the first two to three weeks of January. After that, most of those people will get off the apps because they can be tiring and exhausting and they probably have met somebody. Okay, so I hope this is helpful as you navigate the end of this year. Take a break, take a break, recharge, relax, be with friends, be with family. That's another reason why we don't want to engage with guys, especially in the second half of December, because they should be present with their friends and family. If they're not, if they're on apps during that time, you don't want to be with those guys anyway. Those are the same guys that are going to be answering business texts and emails while you're trying to have a date with them. You don't want that kind of guy. Okay, I hope that's helpful as you just navigate your apping for this last part of the month and for December is in the future if you find yourself single. But with all that said, I want to talk about the economics of dating. I recently did a video on social media where I was talking about how very beautiful women have the hardest time dating. And.

What I was saying was that oftentimes what will happen is people evaluate other people on apps or even in real life based on attraction level. First and foremost, I don't care who you are. That is the first thing that we see. That is the first thing that people are going to be judged on. And what I was trying to share and express was that men and women date differently. That if you're a woman and you're at 9 on the attraction level and please let me step back, I don't really focus on attraction level that much as it pertains to men or women, but I would not be doing my job if I ignored it. So I don't want you to think that I'm some sort of red pill patriarchal like mansplainer, but I do want us to be very real about how dating is happening right now. When I talk about numbers, I'm like reminded of being in my freshman and sophomore year boarding school dorms and the boys are talking about the girls and rating them like this. This is how people date, whether we're conscious of it or not. So with all that said, hopefully you'll give me grace on this episode. If you're a 9, right. As a woman, you will date at your level, what you consider a 9 or one notch up, which is a 10. So you're only going to focus on the nines and the tens. The difference between a man and a woman is that a man that is a quote, unquote 9, he will focus on his level and four notches down. So he will focus on nines, eights, sevens, sixes, and even some fives. And the frustrating thing about being, let's say, a nine woman trying to engage with a nine man is that a nine man will have a greater population that's pursuing him, actually. And the women that are at the level of a 5 or a 6 will actually pursue more, do more work, allow different kinds of behavior, and not be so, you know, boundaried up and also will oftentimes have sex earlier, quicker, and easier.

Again, I don't want you to think that I'm some crass asshole. I just. I want to talk real with you. I mean, that's why I think that you're on this podcast. And so what happens is that it's really frustrating for a woman that is at a 9 because she's engaging with men that she thinks that she wants to connect with. But he's focused on being able to have a population of women. Yeah. And so he will engage with those fives and those sixes before nines, which will completely ruin the confidence of very beautiful women oftentimes. So that's the case. The other reason I told you that women that are a 9 will focus on nines and tens. That represents 5, maybe 10% of the population. So it's not many men, which will create a certain level of scarcity mindset, which totally sucks as well. Okay. The other part of being a nine woman or a pretty woman while dating and what makes it challenging is that most people will actually be super intimidated to even approach her or engage with her. They will think that she is too expensive, especially the men that, let's say, are at a a 6 or above. The guys that are a 1 or a 5, some of them will be intimidated. Some of them will shoot their shot because they know that they have nothing else to lose. It's like buying a lottery ticket. We'll see.

Yeah. But it's kind of a mismatch in a lot of different ways. So I'm sharing all of this because this is important as we think about the economics of dating and why some things are so hard every day. One of the things that I hear is why is it that the guys that I like don't like me and the guys that I don't like like me? And I have some thoughts around this that I wanted to share with you on this episode because I think it's like a variety of different factors, and I wanted to share those with you right now. So I think the first factor is that we might be a little delulu in terms of our attraction level. What do I mean by that? I think that all women are beautiful, but I also think that we might have a certain perception of ourselves that is different than how others perceive us, especially as it pertains to men. So, you know, I've told you already before I was an undergrad statistics major, and one of the first things that we learn is the bell curve, that everything has a bell curve distribution. So what does that mean exactly? That means that so does attraction. And what that means is that roughly 70% of people are between, let's say, a three and a seven. So that's the majority of people. This is important to understand.

14% of people are an 8 or a 9, and only 2% of people are a 10. If we're aligning it to the bell curve, why am I telling you this? Well, girl, I've been there. I was delulu too. Girl, I thought I was an eight when I was dating girl, when I was very real with myself. And when I saw what the market was giving me, girl, I was a 6 and I had to own that. Now I don't. Girl, I don't need you in my comments. I don't need you emailing me saying, amber, you're not a six, you're an eight. Boy, you're a ten, boy. No, girl, I don't need that. I know that I might be a gay six. I might be a straight seven or eight.

The thing about it is that, girl, gay men are almost of them look like models. That's why I was a gay six. And that's okay. I might be a gay seven now because I've done some level up, honey. Got my teeth done, my face is cleared up, My body is a little bit more snatched than it was. But that's okay. I'm married now, girl, I get to be a 10 for my husband, and that's it. I'm sharing this personal story with you to just let you know that whatever you're thinking, it may be different than the perceived attraction level of men.

You get to find yourself and believe that you are a 10. But other people, men who are attracted to you, might think that you're an eight.

This is important. Why? Because.

There might be some overestimation of our own beauty. And that's human nature. But on the flip side of this, what I've also seen is that there is an underestimation of a man's attractiveness. So oftentimes you'll be like, oh my God, this guy is like a four girl. He's probably a five or a six.

So what's happening is you're thinking that you may be an eight, like I did, but you're really a six. And you're thinking that this guy is a four and he might be a six.

This is important. I'm going to explain another way to rate because I know this is like, oh my God, I can't believe we're talking about numbers here. That I think is more relevant to looking at things long term because this is a short term way of dating and evaluating people. I have a longer term, like solution that I will share later on in this episode. But this is important because a lot of us will talk to our girlfriends and our girlfriends be like, Girl, you're a 10. Girl, you're a strong nine. Girl, you're an eight. Girl, girl, the data, the bell curve, the distribution, Girl, we're all probably.

5, 6 and 7. It's no shade. This is literally no shade. Okay.

Why am I saying this? I'm saying this because.

When I talk to my clients and what I'm going to share with you is when you're on those apps, I want you to give those fives and sixes a chance because they might be six and sevens or seven and eights, and we might be just underestimating them without even understanding the totality of who they are. Yeah. There's another thing that I want to offer to you all as we think about and navigate dating. And this is specific for black women because.

There are different market conditions for black women than there are for non black women or even white women. There's a gender ratio gap and it affects the way in which your perceived attractiveness level is given.

So what do I mean by that? So roughly for the white population, there are 2% more white women than there are white men. But in the black population and black community, there is roughly 14% more black women than there are black men. So for every hundred black women, there are 88 black men.

Why am I sharing this with you? I'm sharing this with you because when there are. When you're living in Atlanta, girl, and there are a ton of eights, more eights than you can even deal with as a black man, then the relative level of your eight actually isn't an eight anymore. That eight becomes a seven.

Yeah. So I want to offer this to you because I, again.

I hear this all the time. The people that I like that I think are on my level don't like me, and the people that like me are not on my level. Somewhere in the middle of that, that's where you are. Yeah. And I want to honor that, and I want to give people. Guys more of a chance so that. Because long term, what happens is that you generally get with your level. Yeah. And I want us to be open to what that might look like so that we can accurately evaluate men as well as ourselves. So I was talking about the gender ratio and how off it is. So the black gender ratio for some of the major cities, I just want to share with you. Okay. So that you understand why attractiveness might be a little bit lower for you and why you might have a harder time in some of these cities. So D.C. 22% more black women than black men. New York, 21%. Chicago, 21%. Philly, 19%. Boston, 18%. Atlanta, 18%. Dallas and Houston, 14, 15%. This is important, Right. Because if there are many more women, men will always feel like they have a choice. So I've highlighted these cities because when I look at my statistics and my podcast listener group, these are the cities where most of my listeners come from. And there's a reason for that. There is a black gender ratio disparity in those cities, which makes it harder to date in. Harder to date because there's not as many black men as black women. And also because there aren't as many, the relative power dynamic can be a little bit off. With that said, though, I'm still someone that is very much in favor of New York City, not because the gender ratio is off and one of the highest, but because there's just almost a million black men there. Right. So there's just so many more. There's the ball. It's a volume game for New York. And then not DC Proper, but the DMV area. When you actually highlight the DMV area, that ratio becomes much smaller, which makes it easier to date in. So those are the two cities that I think are the easiest to date in. Just Based on the ratio alone. Okay. I hope this is helpful as you navigate kind of the economics of this dating thing, because it really is economics. It's supply and demand. This is one of the reasons why I am telling every black woman that she needs to date also non black men. You might have heard it before. Girl, white boy, winter. Have a white boy on your roster as well. Because I want you to find your person and there are not enough black men for black women. So you're going to have to. Yeah. If you are to find your person.

My clients, 2/3 of them end up with black guys. A third of them end up with non black guys. I just want the best person that's going to actually.

Treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. So I hope that this is helpful in terms of navigating.

And changing the way that you evaluate yourself in the market and you are evaluating men. Like I said before, I want you to engage with those fives or sixes, because those five and sixes might be six or sevens. But I want you to focus on a specific kind of evaluation and rating. And I call it the PIE rating. Pie.

Physical, intellectual and emotional connections. Yeah, he's got to have all of that, just like you've got to have all of that. Most of the work that I do is really based on that emotional component because I got a lot of women that are eight physically, eight intellectually, but there are two emotionally.

And that means that you're probably a six overall. We average out the PI ratings to figure out what your long term relationship rating is. And we have to evaluate men in the same way. When you're just focused on the physical, you aren't getting the full PIE rating. So you actually don't know what it looks like from a relationship perspective. Perspective. Just an attraction perspective. So there are a lot of guys that are a five or a six, but intellectually are a nine, emotionally are a nine. And actually their whole average is a seven or an eight without even understanding. And a lot of people don't really think about this, that a 5 or a 6 can become a 7 or an 8 or a 9 because chemistry and physical attraction grows with time. Most of us don't actually allow for that time to let that attraction cook a little bit. But it does happen quite often.

I always say give it two or three weeks. If there's no increase, let them go. But we have to give it time to see if it's gonna cook or not. So with that said, instead of just focusing on attraction, I want you to focus on the pie rating.

I hope this is helpful for you. I know that it's like very numbers based and very statistics and economics but that is what is working in the background. Yes, we love the hallmark, we love the romance, but there there's some logic happening and I want you to be really clear about that as you are navigating your dating journey and relationship journey. I hope this is helpful for you. I'm sending you all of the love in the world and I'm sharing this with you so that we can date differently for a different result. Happy December 2023. My next episode will be some of my most viral TikTok moments of 2023 and I will talk with you in the New year. Bye Bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.