Boundaries, Bish!

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves. Thank you so much for joining me. And girl, we have a good one today. Girl, we gotta talk about your boundaries. Or lack thereof.

Bitch. We gotta get our boundaries together, okay? And so this is why I have left my final episode of season one of my podcast to talk about it. And here's been my experience, right? I've been doing this dating and relationship coaching work for over a decade now. And when women come to me, the strong, smart and successful women that I work with, I know that there's some boundary work that needs to happen when they're on a consultation call with me, right? If they're sliding into my DMs, the boundary issues are disguised as other issues, such as self care, conflicts with other people, envy and jealousy, trouble with time management, and concerns around social media and how it affects their emotional state generally. Once I hear their stories and tales about resentment and unhappiness and feeling overwhelmed and codependency, I generally say to them pretty gently, girl, I think you might have some boundary issues. And with that, we begin to work to uncover those boundary violations, right? Learning how to communicate boundaries to others and also dealing with the aftermath of setting those boundaries. Yes, girl, there is aftermath when dealing with discomfort and guilt that comes from asserting yourself. So here are the signs that you may need some boundaries. Okay? Girl, if you're feeling overwhelmed. Boundaries. If you feel resentment toward people for asking for your help. Boundaries. If you're avoiding phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask for something. Boundaries. If you make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. Boundaries. If you're feeling burnt out. Boundaries. If you frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. Boundaries. If you have no time for yourself, Boundaries. As you can tell, girl, boundaries are a big part of our life. And if we're not able to really manage them in a way that serves us, we're gonna be hurting and hurting pretty severely. So I know you might be asking yourself, well, what are boundaries? And my definition of boundaries is that boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships, right? These expectations in your Relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well, and learning when to say no and when to say yes is an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others, especially in your romantic relationships. What I've seen is that mental health issues can arise, such as anxiety, because you get really stressed out because your boundaries are not set in place. Girl, when we're stressed, our brain has difficulty shutting down and that affects our sleep. And when that happens, I see a ton of different things, especially with my clients, such as poor self care, feelings of being overwhelmed, resentment, avoidance, and other mental health issues as a result of the lack of boundaries. So if any of these are hitting home for you, sit back girl, we're going to talk a little bit about that. So first let's talk about neglecting your self care. I think we've all heard that analogy from the airplane safety language that you need to put on your mask first before helping others. And it sounds so simple, right? But it actually isn't. Neglecting self care is the first thing to happen when we get caught up in our desire to help others. And I can't tell you how many people show up in my consultations complaining that they don't have time to do anything for themselves. That's why in my program in the second module, we go through exactly how to make sure that self care is a number one priority. And what I found is that it often seems like women have forgotten how to take care of themselves and it's hard for them to carve out any sort of time to eat a healthy meal, find five minutes to meditate, read if they like that, have a nice bath, volunteer whatever serves their highest purpose and their highest selves. This type of imbalance is an immediate sign of boundary issues. And here's the thing, girl, self care is more than just taking a spa day and it isn't selfish. Saying no to helping is an act of self care as well. I know some people might not be thinking about it that way, but it actually really is. Paying attention to your needs is self care. And like putting on your own oxygen mask, you'll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self care is setting boundaries. It's saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical and mental well being. And this is so important in relationships because if you're not taking care of yourself right, there's no way that you can take care of other people in your relationships when the time comes. And that's going to weaken the trust bonds that you have in that relationship. If you're not able to care for yourself truly, then you're not bringing 100% to that relationship, and it's often going to fizzle because of it. Now another thing I'm seeing based on the stress of not having boundaries is this feeling of overwhelm, right? And this is one of the most common manifestations of boundary issues. What I know about overwhelmed people is that they're drowning in their thoughts about squeezing more into an already packed schedule. And this type of busyness, I think, is really endemic in our culture. Everyone is striving to do more and more and more, and oftentimes time just becomes an afterthought. But what happens is that our well being takes a toll. Understanding boundaries is a proactive way to gauge what is truly manageable. You know, it also allows you to give 100% to the task at hand without that nagging sense of feeling overwhelmed all the time. Another thing I see in people who perhaps are not really setting their boundaries is this resentment feeling. When I say resentment, some people might say, I don't resent anything. If you are using the words frustrated, irritated, annoyed, bitter, it's a result of resentment, girl. And we feel that way when we don't set limits in relationships. Being resentful impacts the way that we connect. It doesn't allow us to be our best selves and it breeds conflict. It also makes us paranoid and gets us into potential mind spirals. It puts up a wall. And long term resentment affects how we perceive the intention of others. I see this all the time with my clients. They're not able to trust their current man because they haven't been able to trust their past men. And it's so unfair to you and to the men that you're talking to. When we're resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of just helping. Girl, we're grown ass women here and there's no way that we should be feeling like we have to do something for other people. So I implore you to explore why. Perhaps if this is, you are perceiving this pressure and obligation to provide things for other people that can't be done with someone else or in another way. For example, if you want your mother to be taken care of, you don't have to be the only person to provide that care. You can implement boundaries through asking for support from other family members and delegating. And ultimately that can help to alleviate any of the stress that you have Another thing that I'm seeing, right, for people that are not getting their boundaries in order, is this level of avoidance, right? If you're disappearing or ignoring or cutting people off, you're in your avoidance state. Not responding to a request, delaying, setting the record straight or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively. But what I know is that prolonging issues by avoiding them means that the same issues will just reappear over and over and over again. And what that means is that it's going to follow you through each and every relationship that you have. Here's the thing, avoidance is a passive aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. We think that if we do avoid that, the problem will just kind of go away, right? And that's kind of the safest option. But avoidance is a fear based response, avoiding a discussion of our expectations. It doesn't prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries. Now girl, if you have fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls or hiding, it means that you're trying to be avoidant as the ultimate answer. But creating boundaries is the only real life solution. And learning to be assertive about your limitations with others will help you eliminate these symptoms and manage sometimes bouts of depression or anxiety. The lack of understanding about boundaries really breeds unhealthy habits. So what I want to do now is I want to break down why we have boundaries and why we need them. And then I'm going to talk about what sort of things you can say, what sort of things you can do to help to assert those boundaries. So creating healthy boundaries leads to feeling safe, loved, calm and respected. They are an indication of how you allow people to show up for you and how you show up for others. But it doesn't just stop there, right? I mean, when I think about boundaries, I think about them in terms of them being a safeguard to overextending yourself. I think boundaries are a self care practice. I think that they help to define roles in relationships. They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships. They serve as parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships as well. When I think about boundaries, I think that they are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs first and foremost, that they're a way to communicate your needs to others, that they help to create healthy relationships, create clarity, and ultimately help you feel safe. In a nutshell, boundaries are a cue to others about how to treat you. And there are different types of boundaries, right? We have our Weaker boundaries. And those are the ones that lead you to feeling a bit depleted or overextended. And those kind of weak boundaries look like oversharing or being codependent or kind of the inability to say no. The people pleasing, the dependency on feedback from others, the paralyzing fear of being rejected and the accepting of mistreatment. Those are the weaker boundaries and I don't want you to have those. Right. An example of those weak boundary settings would be saying yes to things that you don't really want to do. And then on the other side of the spectrum is these really rigid boundaries. And rigid boundaries are really involve building walls to keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe. So like the weaker boundaries lead to an unhealthy closeness. The rigid ones are like a self protective mechanism meant to really build distance. And that comes from a fear of vulnerability, which is something that I work with pretty significantly with my clients in my program, often because one has a history of being taken advantage of. Right? So for example, the person with the weaker boundaries might loan money to people because they feel obligated to. The person with a rigid boundary might never loan money to anyone. Right. So what do rigid boundaries look like? They look like never sharing. They look like building walls or avoiding vulnerability, cutting people out with the quickness, having high expectations of others and enforcing strict rules. Some examples of rigid boundary setting I think would be saying no harshly as a way to discourage people from ever asking you anything else about that in the future. Or having a role that you never do something, never babysit a friend's or family member's kids, you never pick anyone up from the airport, whatever it may be. Now I want to talk about healthy boundaries. I know you're like, girl, just get to the healthy boundaries already. I want to know how to do it and how to do it well. Girl, I got you. So healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn't show up in your present interactions, right. That you're not bringing on that trauma and that hurt, little girl, to how you're interacting as an adult right now. It requires an awareness of your emotional and mental and physical capabilities. And it's combined with clear communication. And I think healthy boundaries looks like, you know, being super clear about your values, listening to your own opinion or your intuition, sharing with others appropriately, having a healthy level of vulnerability with people who have actually earned that trust, being comfortable saying no and being comfortable also hearing no without taking it personally. These are all of the things that I work with my clients on. So if you feel like you're struggling with any of these things, girl, you should book a consultation call with me because we, we need to get that cleared up. If we don't have this, it is going to be very hard to have healthy relationships. Not just romantic, but in all other parts of your life. So we've got to nail this down. So what are some examples of healthy boundary work? I think it's, for example, saying no without apologizing because it's the healthiest choice for you at that moment. So look, it's true that setting boundaries isn't the most easiest thing to do, right? I think that we all have this paralyzing fear about how someone might respond with anger or they won't like you anymore, and that can easily hold us back. Oftentimes I see people playing out awkward interactions in their heads and preparing for the absolute worst possible outcome. But trust me, short term discomfort is so worth it to have a long term healthy relationship. Remember, when you're setting a boundary, there are two steps to the process. There's the communication and the action. Communication is verbally communicating your needs and not assuming that people automatically know what your boundaries are based on body language, based on your facial expressions, or any sort of unspoken expectations. When you explicitly state what you expect, there is little room for others to misinterpret what works for you and what doesn't. So how do we communicate these things? Assertive statements are the most effective way to really do this, right? Verbally communicating your boundaries sounds a little bit like this. So, for example, you might say something like, you know, when we have a disagreement, I'd like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you feel like you're getting too heated in the argument. Also, I will mention when I'm becoming uncomfortable with your tone. Or another example would be, you know, it's important to me that you honor plans that we set up. If you need to change our plans, please send me a text a few hours beforehand. I have some other examples for you as well. You can also just say no. You can also say something like, I'm not able to help you with X, Y and Z, or I don't feel like talking about X, Y and Z or I appreciate you trying to help, but this isn't helpful for me. The best way to help me is to XYZ. I feel uncomfortable talking about XYZ or uncomfortable doing XYZ. I cannot be the person to do XYZ for you @ this moment. Or I don't like it when you XYZ Please stop or please stop yelling at me. This is not how I communicate. Or I'm not comfortable giving you details about XYZ at this moment. You'll see in all of these different examples, there was no explanation. This is just my boundary, and you're either going to respect it or not. So that's part of the communication aspect of the boundary work. The next part is the action. Right? Because the process doesn't really end with just communication. You must uphold what you communicate through your behavior. So let's use the example of when you tell someone that you want them to honor your plans and if they don't, please send you a text a couple hours beforehand. So let's say a friend violates that, you need to reinforce it with action. In this case, you would let your friend know that you can't accommodate the change plans because they didn't give you enough notice. You might say something like, I want to hang out with you, but my schedule won't allow for the adjustment. Let's set up a time together next week. Girl, I know it's hard, but honoring your boundaries through action is the only way most people will understand that you're serious. And that's going to help the people in your life become serious about your boundaries, about you and your relationship together. Ultimately, boundaries are for you and the other person, but mostly for you.

So I always want to leave our podcast with exercises or things that you can do at home to implement some of the lessons and the learnings that I try to have on these episodes. So what I'd love for you to do is either in your journal or on a sheet of paper. I want you to think about a time when you wanted to say no, but didn't. How could you have expressed that boundary? The second prompt that I want you to think about is how do you think people are going to respond to your boundaries? And whatever answer you have, I want you to ask yourself, is that based on fact or is it based on your own assumptions? And then thirdly, I want you to ask yourself and answer for yourself. Where are you in need of boundaries right now? I want you to list at least three places or relationships where you would like to set a new one. Awesome. Well, I hope that this has been informative and beneficial for you. I want to hear about some of those boundary answers that you have for yourself. So please email me some of those answers and maybe even your new realizations to my email address, anwaratyourguycoaching.com I can't wait to read them. All right, my loves, be well. Let's get our boundaries together and have a great week. With that being said, I need to also set a boundary and that is that I'm going to be taking a few weeks off. And no, this is not an April Fool's joke. Even though that this podcast is published on April 1, we are going to take a month off to get caught up on season two of the get yout Guy podcast and also to have some rest. Girl, it is getting warm up here in Montreal and I have to be living my best life life because Lord knows that the snow will be back before I know it. So yeah, I'm setting a boundary and I am going to take the month of April off. I'm going to miss you all and I hope that you all also live your best lives in the month of April as things start to open up around the world. It has been a pleasure publishing and launching the first season of the get yout Guy Coaching podcast and I hope that you have received so much value from it. I also want to say that if you've received so much value from this podcast, great. But know that this is just like a small appetizer. If you want the real deal, right? If you are okay with the salad of this podcast, that's fine. But if you want the filet mignon and everything else that's associated with the big grand meal, then I want to invite you to book a free consultation. Call with me and I'll talk to you about my amazing program where women are finding finding their guy finally. And they feel safe, they feel heard, they feel understood, and they feel like they could spend the rest of their lives with the men that they're meeting, the men that they're dating, the men that are actually showing up for them. If you want that in your life, I want to invite you to book a free consultation. Call with me. I'm here to help. I'm here to serve. As you've seen in the first season of this podcast, it has been my pleasure to share my knowledge with you around dating, love, men and relationships. And I can't wait until we talk again in season two. Bye, my loves.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.