Dating While Uncomfortable With Touch

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining me on the get yout Guy coaching podcast. This one's going to be a little bit intimate, a little bit personal, but I thought it would be important for us to talk about some of these very, very important issues as so many of us are probably going through it as we're dating. So.

Last month, my old boarding school, high school, put out a report that documented rape, sexual assault, and other sexual harassment and inappropriate activities that were happening at the school for the past 30, 40, 50 years. And it was very triggering for me. It was triggering for me because I've also experienced inappropriate touching, grooming from both men and women as I've grown up. And I'm pretty sure that many of you have as well. Right. I think the statistics are 1 in 5 women and 1 in 16 men have either been sexually assaulted. And I think these are just the reported cases. I'm pretty sure it's four out of five women. Right. If you really think about it. And I think that that affects our dating life. And I wanted to talk about how it affects it and what we can do to move forward in a way that helps us feel like we're in total control. Before I go into that, though, I think it's important to talk about touch, specifically for black and brown women. I had done a video on this on TikTok, and it went mini viral because I think it really resonated with so many Black women. And one of the things that I said was that so many Black women feel uncomfortable being touched. And part of that is because they are what I call touched, deprived, or starved. I think they say that to survive, you need four hugs a day. To maintain, you need eight hugs a day. And to thrive, you need 12 hugs a day. And Black girls over the age of five are only getting, on average, one hug a day. And so what does that mean? It means that touch can feel really uncomfortable when you're not used to it. The other thing that I think is important for us to really think about and consider and ponder is that, you know, touch is different in Black households than it is in white households. You know, the love languages or the love language of our parents is often acts of service. Right. They're working hard, they're bringing home the money, they're providing food and board for you to, you know, thrive in school and in other parts of your life. So that is how so many of our black parents are showing their love. And I think it's that. I think it's true for, you know, Asian, East Asian, South Asian, Indian, Hispanic families as well. So what does that mean? That means that love is expressed through acts instead of through emotional support and often physical touch. And a lot of the physical touch that happens in black households is spanking, you know, domestic violence. And so touch for so many of us doesn't feel safe.

And, you know, if any of this is resonating with you, please feel free to email me at anwar a nwar getyourguy coaching.com and share your story. Right. I mean, I think all of us have a story that needs to be shared, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. I did a video on this and it got, I think, a half a million views. So, again, touch feels unsafe for so many of us. What does that mean for dating? It means that we often are not going to know how to be truly intimate with our partners. There's so much between a hug and sex, but we might not know, like, how to navigate that because, like, just touch can feel uncomfortable. Hugs can feel uncomfortable. Kisses can feel uncomfortable. Sex can feel uncomfortable. If you're not used to doing it. How did I figure this out? I figured this out because I've been doing this for 12 years and I've been focusing and working with black and brown women. And the majority of them have said, yeah, I don't really like to be touched. Yeah, I don't really like to, you know, do public displays of affection because I don't like to be touched. And because there's this notion or I've been conditioned and programmed to think that touching happens behind closed doors.

Yeah, this is all relevant to how we date and how we express ourselves in romance because, you know, men experience love differently. And physical touch is actually something that's very important for them in relationships. And if we don't know how to do that, men can often feel rejected. And I'm not saying that you got to be comfortable with touch to make sure that guys feel good, but I do think that it's important to understand the results and the consequences when we are not kind of exploring this area and potentially improving it or getting more healing from it. So touch is very important and an opportunity for so many of us. Part of the things that I think are important to also understand is that there is a historical context around touch. You know, in slavery days, oftentimes our families were separated.

Very quickly, like directly after birth or soon after that. And so many of the enslaved parents were not touching their children because they didn't want to bond and connect with their children. They. This was their way of protecting their hearts and their souls from the, you know.

Imminent, excuse me, separation that was happening. So that's why. That's a good reason why there's not a lot of touching happening in these black and black households. The other thing that I will say is because of certain, quote, unquote, brutal breeding practices that, you know, there is a level of protection and distance that happens to make sure that some of these black girls are protected. Yeah. Even though there's still rampant sexual assault happening in black families. So I wanted to just mention this because I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't talk about the historical context of why this may be. The beautiful thing is that we get to break some of these generational curses. And, you know, in this video that I put out a couple of months ago, it was a beautiful thing to see and hear all of these women that were hugging their children, touching their children, kissing on their children, loving on their children, not only, you know, making sure that their children didn't go through this, but also healing themselves.

In the meantime. So that warmed my heart. I want to encourage you all to do that if you do have children.

Because it's just a beautiful thing to break these generational curses, and I think it'll help your love life and your dating life. Okay. So some of the solutions that I think are important as you are navigating touch is.

You can get weighted blankets. These simulate this. This feeling of touch that I think is so important. Another thing that's helpful is massages, Getting many pedis and having. And being in control of someone who is touching you. It's like in a very controlled. That is also a way to kind of.

What they call exposure therapy to get exposure. And once it happens more and more, we can have the physical evidence, not just in our minds, but in our hearts and in our bodies and our nervous systems that we can be touched and be okay. Yeah. The other thing, and I was mentioning this a little bit before, is to engage with children and pets. These kids and pets don't have A lot of boundaries, and they will touch you, but because they are smaller, you will feel in control of them, and you won't feel so maybe violated or attacked that knowing that the intention is pure can be helpful in getting that exposure. So those are some of the major things that I think are important in helping to move forward when it comes to touch.

So, you know, I wanted to. I just wanted to clarify what it looks like for so many black and brown women, how they're growing up and how they experience touch. I know that so often sexual assault and harassment happens when we're older, when we're younger, too, but also when we're older. Like I was saying before, I think the statistics are one in five women in college will be sexually assaulted. One in 16 men will be sexually assaulted. This is just in college. This isn't in life. I'm pretty sure that the statistics are really much bigger and larger than that. And.

So I want to talk a little bit about, you know, being a survivor of sexual assault and harassment and what that looks like in your dating life and what you can actually do. Right. So if you are a survivor of sexual assault, I think sometimes we can think that the trauma is behind us. But the scary truth is that there's really no expiration date for this trauma. Whether you've experienced that sexual abuse 15 years ago or recently, it can still potentially haunt you. And, you know, for many survivors, I think, you know, movements like MeToo can also bubble up some of these sexual traumas if they haven't been acknowledged yet. I think recovering from sexual abuse is difficult. I. I know that I've been going through that journey as well. So I can, I can speak for myself, especially if you don't have access to professional guidance along the journey to healing. So this is my plug for therapists and counselors and specialized coaches to help you in, in this, in this area.

But whatever stage in the process you are, you know, I don't want this trauma to keep you permanently single. So I wanted to kind of go over some of the steps, constructive steps that I think will be helpful so that you can start dating in a healthy way. And these steps are not going to be in any sort of chronological order, but I just think that, you know, highlighting this, paying special attention to this, having a very clear intention on this, will be great for you as you continue to move forward in your dating journey. So obviously, heal first, date later.

Your trauma isn't your fault, no matter what the voices in your head might be telling you. I know that so Often when sexual assault does happen, so many of us will respond by suppressing our feelings, not getting help and avoiding the pain. And avoidance, you know, is only really a temporary kind of coping mechanism. It's not a long term strategy. So the more that you avoid pain, the worse it's going to feel when you know your, your psyche or your body eventually forces you to confront it. Yeah, I, you know, as a survivor of sexual assault, oftentimes.

You can find yourself single for years with a history of like almost relationships without really understanding why. And I think, you know, when it comes to our love lives, fear and pain, it has to be addressed. That's why my program is so focused on the individual and not what's happening on the exterior with these guys. Because what I know for sure is that trauma will eventually sabotage, sabotage each and every romantic relationship that comes along. So we have to clear that out and heal that.

What the other thing that I think is really important is.

We have to, to figure out if you're ready to date. It's important to understand and think and think about not just your past relationship or also some of the assaults or past experiences that you've had. If you can think about those past experiences and relationships and.

Not have intense feelings about them, I think it's a good sign without being numb, of course. I think it's a good sign to know that you're potentially ready to date. Yeah. The other sign that I always think about is being able to let people go quickly and easily because dating is a practice of letting 97% of the guys go because they're not going to be a match for you. But if you can't do that, you will continue to engage with the 97% and have a horrible time in dating. So not only is it about being clear and not having intense feelings about some of these past experiences, it's also about being able to let people go. Yeah.

I think that's really important.

As you all may know, healing is going to be different for everyone. Some people might thrive in talk therapy, others might prefer alternative therapies, hypnosis, reiki, acupuncture, whatever route you choose. I think that the most important thing is that you are committing yourself to self care and wellness and not just searching for a quick fix. It that's something that's really important as well. The other thing, and this is what I was talking about before when it came to touch massages.

And I know that that sounds really weird, but after some sort of sexual assault, many can shut down in response to Any sort of intimate touch and fear of intimacy is often one of the most difficult hurdles to really overcome. So having.

You know, having that physical intimacy is so important in relationships. So before you start dating again, I think it's going to be really important for you to refamiliarize yourself with physical contact. And getting a massage provides a really safe and relaxing way to familiarize yourself with intimate touch and potentially nudity. Again.

So many individuals in Eastern medicine, and I believe this as well, believe that trauma is really stored within the body. And one of the best ways to actually release those stagnant emotions locked into those muscles is through massage.

The next thing that I want to talk about is really prioritizing safety. Right. I think that, you know, after trauma, creating and enforcing boundaries is everything. It's so critical. So you're going to have to work on your boundaries. That's why I have a whole module in my program around boundaries. Because survivors that are pushed too far from their comfort zone while they are dating, you can experience panic attacks or regressed healing or, you know, a bigger level of anxiety or depression. So I don't want that to happen for you. And I think to avoid this, safety has to be the main priority. What does this mean? While we're dating on physical dates, we have to be in public. We can't be in anyone's home, anyone's car until at least date five or date six. Right. Being well lit locations, sharing your locations with friends, also taking your time before getting sexually intimate with a love interest. I always tell my clients to, my recommendation is to not be intimate until they are in an exclusive relationship. And that is at least two to three months down the line. Right. So again, recommendations, your love life, you get to do whatever you want to do. But I know that this has been helpful for so many of my clients.

So the other thing that I think is also important as you're thinking about dating is really having boundaries around any sort of consuming of substances. Most of the time it's going to be alcohol. One of the things that I do for my mastermind clients is before every date we talk about their boundaries. What's their time boundary, what's their alcohol boundary, what's their intimacy boundary? Right. Most of the time one to two drinks is good and anything more than that can, can get a bit fuzzy. So yeah, alcohol also has the potential to, you know, make us feel disoriented and panicky. So I want to make sure that we're feeling in control at all times.

The other thing that can happen and this is what I see in some of my clients is anxiety before dates. Right. And it's. I just think it's like an unavoidable byproduct of dating, at least at first. And I've known people who have given up dating altogether because the anxiety has been too much. And if this sounds familiar and if this is you, I think it's important to ask yourself, is my anxiety a form of self sabotage? Because I'm still afraid of intimacy? Because oftentimes the answer is yes. And if the answer is yes, we have some more healing to do. Right? But dating anxiety can also be caused by sexual assault or other traumas, such as heartbreak or rejection or divorce. And no matter what those who actually experience this type of anxiety, you need what I call a pre date toolkit. Right. Something that you're going to do before your dates, whether it's a physical date or whether it's a phone date, to help to center yourself. This can be doing a yoga class or exercise before your date. This can be texting a friend or getting on the phone with a really good friend. Or this can be writing a letter to yourself about how you deserve love and intimacy and reading that letter before you. You actually have your dates. Some people also do meditation. It's really up to you, but I think figuring out what works best for you, what two or three activities are going to help you feel powerful and stable.

It's going to be super helpful. Right. Again, this is about self care, personal care, making sure that you're filling up your cup and you're feeling good, ultimately, because cultivating a relationship with yourself is going to help you develop and cultivate a relationship with others. Yeah. Okay.

The other thing that I think is important, and this is kind of going to be the last thing that I talk about. Well, maybe the second last thing is going slow. Right. So many people want to jump into things, want to start dating a lot of people at once. Don't do it. Engage. Like if you want to do the apps and they're not overwhelming for you, Right. Because they can. They have a tendency to be overwhelming. That's why I tell my clients, like, start out, you know, on the apps one to two times a week. Just engage for 10 or 15 minutes. See how it feels. Go in, go out. These guys will wait if they're your guy. Right. But making sure that you're feeling in control. I think a really good step is just starting to have conversations with guys. Okay. And you don't have to meet them in real life. If you're not comfortable and if you feel like you are not ready. But interacting with them, having a chat with them can help us familiarize ourselves with just engaging and dating and having conversations with men. So I know that some people might go against online dating. I actually think it's really helpful, especially if you have a vetting process. I have a starter course called Dating Strategy where I teach my clients how to vet men properly in online dating. So if you're interested in that, I'll have a link in the show notes for that. But you have to have a strategy while you're online dating. If you're doing it. If you're just in this jungle and you've never been there before, it can be overwhelming and stressful. So having a strategy is going to be really helpful for you to do this in a very confident way. The other ways that you can do this start dating is to ask your friends for a setup, right? Or living your life and doing the things that bring you joy, right? If it's charity, if it's co ed softball, participate in those activities and meet new and different people based on the things that bring you the most joy. Those are other ways to take your first step in dating, figure out what feels best for you and go from there. The last thing that I wanted to talk about was that when you are healing from sexual assault and trauma, you're going to have to have a zero hear me true girl. Zero tolerance on red flags.

Anytime it feels fishy, anytime you're telling yourself that maybe I'm paranoid, anytime you're telling yourself, oh, I should be open minded or less judgmental, I'm going to need you to not ignore the justifications. If it feels fishy, even if you can't explain it, step away from it. Why? Because it's going to be important for you to be able to trust your judgment. If you're questioning it, you will question everything and not understand who you are. In this love game and in this love space, okay, you aren't being paranoid or judgmental. You are being a mature adult who is prioritizing their own safety over being liked. And that's really hard because most of us do it the other way around. We're more focused on being liked and getting attention than our own safety. If something seems off, it probably is. Your intuition will always lead you into the right direction. And at this point, it's better to close the door on someone nice than to end up accidentally dating someone abusive and blaming yourself later for not seeing the red flags. Okay, I hope this is helpful. As you are navigating this. I know that some of the questions that I have from my clients are also around, like when you should talk about sexual assault, your sexual assault with your partner. And I always tell my clients I think this is a conversation to be had after you are exclusive with your partner and when you are starting to become intimate with him or her or whoever you're intimate with. Right. Ultimately, it's up to you and when you feel comfortable. But in my experience, that has been a really kind of helpful timing for so many of my clients.

I hope that this podcast has been helpful for you. I know that this is unfortunately, sexual assaults and harassment is such a so prevalent and omnipresent in so much of our lives. And I want to make sure that you have a toolkit, you have skills, you have things that you can intentionally focus on to help you move forward in your dating life and in your road to intimacy. So I hope that was helpful and I'm wishing you love, I'm wishing you healing and I'm wishing you intimacy. With that said. Bye girl. Much love to you.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.