Detachment in Dating

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. It's me, your host again, Coach Anwar. And today we're diving into a topic that's, I think, going to change the way that you see yourself, see your relationships and your life. Girl, it's all about detachment. You gotta be detached, girl. It is the cheat code in dating. Now, before you roll your eyes, because I know how some of y' all are no shade. And you're thinking to yourself, Coach Anwar, you know, detachment, it sounds cold and unfeeling. I'm gonna need you to stick with me for a second, because detachment is not about shutting down and not caring. It's about finding freedom and stability and peace within yourself. And it's about letting go, girl. At the end of the day, letting go of what you can control and focusing on what you can, which is yourself. Okay? So grab a notebook, which I know y' all already do, because you're the studious type. You're the school girls in the front row. And your hand always raised with a good question. Girl, get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. No shade, no judgment here. And sit back and let's listen. Let's get into this. Yeah. Because by the end of this episode, I want you to have a whole new perspective on how to live more grounded and fulfilling in life. So let's get into it. Okay, so the first step in the way that I think about detachment is around self stability. What does this mean? Well, many of us spend our lives really looking for stability outside of ourselves. And especially if you are a black or brown woman, you are often focused on your surroundings because you have to be to make sure that you are safe. So you will find stability in your relationships, in your money, in your status, in your validation from others. But here's the truth. True stability is only going to come from within, girl. So what does self stability actually look like? It means that you're not going to let external situations dictate your emotions. It's going to look like you not feeling the need to prove yourself to other people. It's Going to look like you feeling content even when you're feeling alone or when you are alone. It's going to look like you trusting yourself to handle whatever comes your way and knowing that you're going to be okay at the end of the day. That's what it looks like. And how do we cultivate this? Well, one, we're going to have to have some self awareness. You're going to need to understand your emotions and where they come from. So you're going to have to get an emotion wheel and you're going to have to identify what you're feeling so you know what you're feeling. And you're going to need to ask yourself what is the origin story of this feeling? Yeah, you're going to need to ask yourself what experience have I had where I've had the same emotion and the same trigger? Okay. The other ways that you can cultivate self stability is really by building self trust. And that means keeping promises to yourself and taking responsibility for your own well being. What does that mean? It means you're going to have to practice self care. It means you're going to have to nourish yourself emotionally, mentally and physically. It means you're going to have to shift your mindset. Instead of thinking, I need someone to make me happy, I'm going to need you to think I create my own happiness. Now I will tell you one thing. Self stability, it's everything. It is the bedrock when it comes to detachment, girl. And when you're stable within yourself, you don't need to cling on to external things for security. Okay? So number one, self stability. Number two, we've got to realize that we can't control others. Let's talk about control, girl. What did Janet say? Control.

I want to let you know something. I want to let you know that a major source of stress in relationships and in life in general comes from trying to control others. We try to control their choices, their feelings, even their actions. And here's the hard truth, girl, you can't control others.

And I know that you know that intellectually, but maybe emotionally you don't. So let's get into it. Why do we try to control others? Oftentimes we will try to control others because we have a fear of abandonment or rejection or we have some sort of belief that, you know, if we control a situation, we'll feel safer or sometimes. And let me know if this is your tea girl, wanting things to go your way, it's just going to make you feel more comfortable. Because anything that doesn't go your way for you, makes you feel uncomfortable. But here's the reality.

People are going to do whatever they're going to do regardless of how much you try to influence them. Because what I know for sure is trying to control others often leads to frustration, resentment, and conflict. And that letting go of the control is actually going to bring you more peace and acceptance into your own life. Because when you're accepting what others are doing, right, letting them, you're also able to accept yourself. So I know y' all are asking, how do I release control? Well, before I get into that, I want to just honor and acknowledge that I think as black and brown women, this semblance of control helps us feel safe in a very unsafe world. Even in this Trump presidency, that we're trying to control so many different things, because that's what is making us think that we're safe. But in reality, we're kind of playing ourselves a little bit. So I want to talk about how we can release control and what to replace with that semblance of control. So how do we release it? Like I said before, we let people do them. We accept the people.

Who they are and understand that they have their own journeys. We're going to just focus on your actions instead of someone else's. What you're doing, what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what your results are, right? AKA minding our business, drinking water and taking naps. Also, and this is an important one, you're going to have to trust that everything happens as it should, even if it's not how you planned it. This level of acceptance and surrender can be so freeing. Knowing that, and this is for my Christian girls out there, somebody has you. That the universe is conspiring for your good. Very important here. Okay, So I can already hear so many of the girls out there already. They don't want to be a bitch. They don't want to be a mean girl. They don't want to be detached girl. If you want to be successful in love and dating and relationships, but specifically dating, detachment is the key. I want to let you know something. Detachment is not coldness. I need to clear up this big misconception. Because some people think that detachment means shutting down emotionally and not caring, and that's just not true. Here's the difference. If you're detached, it means that you're feeling emotions, but you're not being ruled by them. But if you're cold, it means that you're suppressing and avoiding those emotions altogether. Okay, now why do Some people mistake detachment from coldness. Well, I think society teaches us that love equals attachment, and it doesn't. Love actually just equals acceptance. And we think if we don't cling on to something, that we don't care. That's why some of us have this fear of setting boundaries, because it makes us feel unkind, because it unclings us from the attachment or the result of something. But healthy detachment means that you love deeply, but you don't need someone to complete you. Healthy detachment means that you care about people without depending on their validation. Healthy detachment also means that you set boundaries without guilt. Okay, now let's talk about if you're having these issues as I'm talking about detachment, why that might be because a lot of us actually have an anxious attachment style, and it's stemming from childhood experiences. Now, if you've ever felt overly attached or anxious or fearful in relationships, you already know. I'm going to talk about those inner child wounds and those childhood experiences, girl.

Now, what are some of those signs of anxious attachment if you. That girl that's overanalyzing people's words and actions.

Instead of your feelings? Anxious. If you feel anxious. If somebody doesn't text you back immediately. Anxious. T. If you're fearing of, you know, if you have a fear of abandonment or rejection. Anxious tea. If you are feeling like you have to earn love. Anxious tea. Okay, now, why does this happen? Because somebody. I had to. I had to spill it out for you. Because some of y' all think, I'm not anxious. I'm not anxious attachment. I'm just an overthinker. No, that's part of anxious attachment. And why does this happen? It happens because as a child, you made up, you may not have received consistent love and attention. You might have been neglected. And especially if you're a black or brown woman and your parents were working all day and then coming home tired as hell, you definitely experienced this.

Why does this happen? It happens because you learned that love could be taken away at any moment through physical absence, through emotional absence. Some of y' all had mothers that would give you the silent treatment. These are all experiences that create anxious attachment.

And because your nervous system has become wired to associate love with fear.

So some of us actually have to feel anxious to feel connected or loving toward another person. I know it sounds weird. I know it sounds strange. Stick with me, right? Because this actually is so important for so many black and brown women out there. And if you're able to step away, away from this by doing deeper work, you're going to be able to be detached and it's going to create an easier pathway to your dating life. Now, I know some of you might be asking yourselves, like, okay, girl, well, how do I heal from this anxious attachment that I might have? In these moments, right, where you're feeling anxious, you're gonna have to reassure yourself that love isn't something you have to chase. Whether it's a mantra, whether you got to write it down, girl, sing it. If you have to sing it and twerk to it, I don't care. But you're going to have to remind yourself in these moments. Write some notes in your notes app on your iPhone, right, and say those mantras, those affirmations in those moments.

You're going to have to also practice self soothing techniques like breathing, like journaling, like I was saying before, like the affirmations, right? Because you're gonna have to build trust in yourself rather than seeking the constant validation from others or something that is outside of you. Okay, so what happens when you're anxious? You're gonna chase. You're gonna chase the guy, you're gonna chase the feeling, you're gonna chase the outcome, girl. And chasing is tiring. Have you ever been playing tag when you were a kid and you were chasing everybody and you weren't getting it and you just stopped and gave up? Because chasing is the worst, girl. It's the pits.

You have to break the cycle of chasing. And here's the hard truth. When you chase something, whether it's love or approval or success, you're actually pushing it away. Why do I say this? I say this because it signals desperation. And that is something that repels people and opportunities and it puts all of your energy into something external, just leaving you empty at the end of the day. That's the thing that is also creating the anxiety and the fear of loss that this emptiness that you're feeling when you're chasing something that's outside of yourself. So instead, I want you to shift your focus inward and I want you to one, be in touch with your feelings and know how you're feeling at all times and check in with yourself. I generally say check in with yourself, breakfast, lunch and dinner, girl, right? Just as a practice of knowing how you're feeling. The other thing that I want you to do is I want you to become the person that you want to attract. When I ask people in my consultation calls what's on your list and they say, oh, I want a guy to be emotionally available, but I've been talking to them for 15 or 20 minutes and they haven't used one feeling word. You're not becoming the person that you want to attract. And in my program, that's what we help you do. So that's an important part of stopping your chasing pattern. The other thing that is important is that you are going to have to trust that is what is meant for you, will come naturally, will come to you, Right?

And when you let go of attachment to that outcome and focus on your self growth, you will level up to a point where you will start attracting people that are at your same frequency, at your same level. And you will look at people that are not there as. Not negatively or with shade, but with a level of peace that signifies that doesn't serve me anymore. And that's okay. Okay. So another way that we're going to need to detach is that we're going to have to reframe your negative experiences.

And I know that many of us have had them. If you're someone of color, you've had a ton of them, probably more than your white counterparts. And I just want to honor that.

Here's what I know. Life is 50, 50. Half the time it's good, half the time it's not good.

But what I do know in those times where it's not so good is that those difficult situations, they often contain hidden lessons. And some of the common negative experiences and lessons in dating specifically is, you know, when you have a breakup, it's an opportunity for you to learn and it teaches you about your self worth and what you truly need in a relationship. If you have rejection or ghosting, I want you to reframe it and understand that it's redirecting you toward something better.

When you feel like a failure if you haven't done something perfectly.

Your awareness of that is helping you grow stronger and wiser. Okay? So one of the ways that you can reframe some of these negative experiences is to go through some like your top five or 10 experiences and rewrite them and talk about the lessons that you learned in each and every one of them. We have this lesson in the on in the course called Relationship Inventory. And it's where we go through a past relationship of yours and we go and we dig deep into it and we understand all of the lessons that we are to glean from it. Okay? Because here's the thing to shift your mindset, you're gonna have to go and explore those experiences again.

And you're going to have to stop asking why questions like why did this happen to me and instead ask what questions and honor the what. What is this teaching me? We're also going to have to.

Recognize that setbacks often lead to breakthroughs, that you have to have those setbacks to break through to the next level. And a lot of people don't think about it like that. But what I will tell you in dating is that this process is often two steps forward, one step back. It's not like you're just going to go forward every step of the way. So I just want to offer that to anyone who needed to hear that.

And lastly, as it pertains to kind of reframing these negative experiences, we're going to have to embrace that like there's uncertainty in life and in dating and love and that's part of it, but that you're strong and that with certain skills you'll be able to navigate it instead of fearing it. Okay.

So I talked a little bit earlier about focusing on yourself, and I just want to kind of lean into that a little bit more because a lot of people, a lot of us are not doing that.

Why is self focus so important? Like I said before, when you focus and put too much energy on other people, whether it's your parents, your siblings, your friends, your work, you lose yourself. And to be honest with us, a lot of us don't know who we are right now. Oh, I also forgot to say, if you're a mother, single mother, you're probably putting too much energy into your kids and you're losing yourself and your identity. So we're going to have to self focus, be a bit more self centered because it's powerful, because it builds confidence, because it makes you more attractive. I know that's maybe a hard concept to believe because most of us saw our mothers and our grandmothers doing so much for everybody else that we think that that's our definition of love and what we need to do to be a woman. But actually being self focused is really attractive because people are drawn to those who prioritize themselves.

So we want to be self focused. We want to be self centered. It also is going to help us stay grounded no matter what happens around you. So part of the way that you can kind of shift focus back to yourself is, girl, I know it sounds really cliche, but girl, you're going to have to develop those passions and those interests. A lot of us are going to work and then coming home and that's it. And some of y' all are working from home, so y' all are working and living at home, ordering your groceries and having them delivered at home. Girl, no shade. You're not even breathing fresh air. So you're gonna have to develop your passions and interest in the house and outside of the house as well.

So find that thing that you've wanted to do for the past year or two, and girl, just do it. Like Nike says.

You'Re also going to have to take care of your mental and emotional health. That means getting a therapist, getting a coach. And I just want to tell you that a lot of y' all are have therapists already. Don't think that nobody has a therapist out there. A lot of people are having therapists and then putting them in their professional calendars as an analyst meeting.

I would assume about a quarter of your friends or a third of your friends have therapists. And they might not be telling you, get a therapist, get a coach to help you navigate these feelings, these emotions, these reframings, helping you to self focus on yourself so that you can start winning. And again, with that therapist, with that coach, I want you to set goals and I want you to work toward them without distraction. Life is distracting enough, and sometimes it's helpful in terms of accountability to have a therapist or coach there to keep you focused and not distracted so that you can achieve and attain those goals. Okay? Okay. So we talked a little bit about your need to control others, but girl, your job is not to control others. It's actually your job to control your thoughts. As you know.

Your mind is constantly coming up with stories. Girl, you are. You're Disney. Girl, you have ton of stories. And.

The thing that I need us to really focus on is that you don't have to believe them. All of these thoughts that you are creating, oftentimes we're taking them as fact, but ultimately those are unintentional from trauma.

So what's happening is that you're having these thoughts that you're making as facts, and you're not kind of doing an audit of those thoughts.

We don't know how to control them. And so you are overthinking and under feeling, and that's creating the anxiety that you're assuming the worst in situations. And so when you're assuming the worst, you're also reacting emotionally to the worst of the situations that you're thinking instead of responding and thinking and understanding that there are a variety of different things that can happen as. As you. For each and every situation that you go through, girl, good, neutral, bad, ugly.

Possibility for each and every one of those outcomes. So let's Talk about controlling your thoughts for a little bit. Like I said before, you're going to have to practice that mindfulness. You're going to have to observe your thoughts without reacting. One of the things that I used to do is when a thought would come up. So, for example, let's say I made a mistake when I was working in corporate decades ago. My first thought is, I'm going to be. I'm going to get fired, and then I'm going to be homeless.

And I had to observe those thoughts without reacting to them. And then I needed to question them. I needed to ask myself, is this actually true? Now, 80% of the time it wasn't true. And I had to tell myself, girl, you're a lie. Girl, that's not true. Girl, that's your ego talking. Yeah. And then I had to redirect my mind, and instead of worrying, I needed to focus on what can I do right here and right now. So I want you all in those moments to think about this. Observe the thoughts, ask if it's true, and then focus on what you can do. Okay?

Okay. Good.

Finally, I want to just let you know that.

Detachment is the key to success. Stating success.

This is a game changer because being overly, like, attached to success blocks it.

This is why some of my most difficult clients that I work with are between the ages of 35 and 40. They're not difficult because they're naturally difficult. They're difficult because they are overly attached to success, because they want to have a baby asap.

And what happens when you obsess over an outcome is that it creates more anxiousness and desperation. And guess what, girl? Being anxious and desperate is not cute and it's not sexy and it's not attractive. And that's no shade. I just want to call it as it is.

What also happens is that you're going to ignore.

Other opportunities, other people, other guys, because you're fixated on one person. If you find yourself fixated on one person, it's because you're overly attached to an outcome and you're trying to make one person work instead. I wanted an Olympic date. I want you to date three people and see who wins. Okay? That helps you not be attached, girl. It helps with your detachment. You might have heard me say this before, but I will say it again. I want you dating as if you were applying to colleges. I want reach schools. I want reach men. I want target schools. I want target men. I want safety schools. I want safety men. I need you to feel your podium up with a Gold medalist as silver medalist and a bronze medalist. Okay.

I'm also going to need you to let go of the need of instant results and focus on long term success. I don't. I would rather you get a guy a year and a half from now than be with the wrong guy three months from now.

Some of y' all listening can't say that that's why we're having this conversation right now. I call it detached ambition. Right? It's about understanding it's going to happen. And actually, research says that 90% of people will find somebody, right? Being maybe a short term pessimist, but a long term optimist. It means staying open to unexpected opportunities and unexpected mental and working toward those goals and trusting the process. Especially if you decide to come into my program. The process is there. It is tried and true. I mean, yesterday we had two women in Florida get into relationships. The date, like the weekend we had another two people get into relationships. Right? Detached ambition.

That'S the name of the game here. So in summary, in conclusion, detachment equals freedom.

It doesn't mean that you don't care. It means that you are stopping with the desperation, the anxiousness and the clinging.

It means that you can love people, you can chase your dreams, you can work hard, but you get to do it without letting those things define you or your happiness.

Okay? Awesome. I hope that this conversation was helpful for you. I hope that it has given you some clarity and tools to apply in your personal life and in your dating and relationship life and even in your career. Right? Because I want you to remember that detachment. It's about finding freedom within yourself and freedom especially for people of color. Everything. Because freedom means safety. And you've got to be safe. All right. All right, my loves. I hope that this was helpful for you. As always, reach out to me if you want to book a call and do this Work deeper or DM me on IG and let me know how you experienced this episode with all of the love. I'll see you on the next time. Bye bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching. com. Apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Talk soon.