Don't Buy Your Own Ring With Tiffany 'The Budgetnista'

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, everyone. And thank you so much for joining the get your guy coaching podcast. I have a special guest for us and she's gonna get hopefully our financial lives together. Because even if you feel like you got your financial life together, girl, no shade, but you just might not. So, Tiffany, the budgetista, thank you so much for coming onto this podcast and gracing us with your presence and your wisdom.

Thank you so much for having me, Anwar.

I'm so happy that you're here, girl. So introduce yourself for the ladies that may not know about you. I don't know if who those ladies are because I know that you're pretty much everywhere. You have an amazing book. You have so much. You're making so much impact in the world as it pertains to finance and financial independence and clarity and knowledge. So just share with them what you do and why. You're amazing.

Well, thank you. So I am the Budget Nista. That's the name of my business, America's favorite financial educator, self appointed. I've been doing it for 16 years, helping specifically women get and stay on financial track. We've helped over 2 million women in the last 16 years pay off literally hundreds of millions of dollars worth of debt. Same for savings. A New York Times bestselling author of get good with Money. And I have a new documentary or a special on PBS also called get good with Money. So I'm just like your fairy financial godmother.

Oh, girl. Don't come for me, girl, because, you know, I'm the fairy godbrother.

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, girl.

All right, honey. That's why we're cousins, honey.

That's why.

Cousins, yes. Trying to get the girls together. Awesome, awesome, awesome. So we're going to get into this because, you know, obviously there is a direct line with the way that we interact with money and the way we interact with our love lives. It's all connected. And that's why I wanted to bring you on here so that we can kind of talk about that, delve into that a little bit and really help the ladies and the listeners out in terms of how we can level up in both of these areas, because if we do one of them, we're going to do both of them. So let's start with just talking about how money impacts dating and relationships from your perspective.

Well, the way money can impact dating and relationships is that one if, especially when you're older, that if you are dating someone who is not financially stable, they cannot show up fully and present in your relationship. You know, it's one thing if you're both 19, everybody's broke, you know, and that's fine. You know, maybe parents are looking after you. Let's say you're dating in your 40s and you find someone that you think is great, but they're struggling financially, you know, even if it's not your financial problem, but because they have that problem, they cannot show fully, you know. That's why one of my number one rules for dating is that you have to be financially sound. You have to be able to take care of yourself financially also too. It can make for insecurities. I mean, more and more women make way more than men. If you're in a heterosexual relationship, and it is something fairly new.

And I am in a heterosexual relationship. A heterosexual homosexual relationship. Yes.

Because that dynamic before it was like, okay, men are the traditional breadwinners, but many, many women are actually making significantly more. Especially black women are some of the most educated in this space. And so what does provision look like as a man? So sometimes that idea has to be re explored or not. But certainly that that affects dating as well. Of like, well, I don't actually need you to provide for me, so. Well, at least not in the traditional financial sense. So it leaves men kind of scrambling about like, well, how do I provide?

I'm so glad that you're mentioning this because I think it's, you know, I'm telling people all the time that dating and relationships are changing because the dynamics between men and women are changing. And especially if you're a black or brown woman, oftentimes when you tease out the data, Black women are making more than black men. So we're trying to figure out what is your value add here, sir.

Right.

And that is okay to ask, by the way, for all the women that are out there that like, um, they should be bringing something to the table, right? They should be bringing a lot, actually. And one of my rules is that, you know, if you're making less than six figures, then he needs to make at least 80% of what you make. And if you're making more Than six figures. He needs to be making six figures because to your point about resentment and insecurity, I've seen many times, and you let me know if you've seen it too, where a woman who is successful and she's making a lot of money and the Guy is making 50% of what she's making will try to humble her and tried to gain control over her because of his own insecurities. Have you seen that a lot. And what are your thoughts on kind of my role?

Yeah, I mean, I've seen it a lot. I mean, I will say no. Some rules. I mean, obviously some rules are broken. So I was fortunate. My husband passed away in 2021. That's not obviously the fortunate part because I loved him very much. I met him in my 20s. We started dating in our 30s when I was building the business. And so I remember I was really struggling financially and so we were dating in my mid-30s. He said, why not move in with. And so I did. He paid all the bills and I was able to build my business from. It was six figures gross, which we both know means nothing because I think it was six figures gross. But I was taking home maybe 30, $40,000 a year after all the bills and taxes. But staying with him within two years I went from a six figure business to a seven figure business because I no longer had to worry about the financial foundation of rent and utilities and things. And my husband never made over $60,000, you know, so when I met him, I was making significantly less. When I first met him, he was a maintenance man in the building and I was a preschool teacher. This is how we met. Met. So we were kind of like net net, you know, even in our early 20s. Yeah, he was Q. And then Facebook suggested us. In my 30s.

Not Facebook girl for the win.

Yes. I was like, oh, I remember him. He was cute. And I was, I was single, he was single. And we started dating and then it got pretty serious. He was like, he was always the one that got away. But so I say all that to say that he was able to figure out provision in a way that made me feel safe because when we did meet, I made significantly less. And then quite honestly, you know, by the time we got married, I was taking home seven figures take home, you know. But that was as a result of that financial foundation in part because I didn't have to worry about bills and things. And so. And so that was kind of like our way of navigating, like. Cause he wanted to still be a provider for Me. And I love the fact that he was able to pay the bills, because what it meant for me was it left me space. His rule was, you don't have to do the budget. Vista. If any time, Tiffany, you want to quit because you don't want to do it, our life will not shift and change because we have created a life that is what I can afford for us, you know? And so in the beginning, I remember I just really pushed back because I wanted, like, a huge house, a huge this. And quite honestly, once business had our, like, we had some down years. I'm so glad that we did not do that, because it would have put us in a space that we couldn't have been able to continue to afford. So it was one of the smartest things, you know, that I did. So I say all that to say that that's not typical, because I've certainly dated men who've made less and have had tried to humble me, you know, And I think it's because we kind of grew up together in a way, in some ways, like as adults, you know, and it was before I started to make money that he played a role in my ability to. So I just say all that to say that, you know, that in general, yes, I agree that, you know, this financial component that you have to be so mindful. But there are some instances where, you know, that it might work out because we had an amazing, amazing partnership. He was my biggest cheerleader. He always got so excited for the things that I wanted to do, any place I wanted to go. You know, I felt with him, I really credit my ability to grow my business because I felt so free. I knew that I could do whatever I wanted and that if it didn't work out, we're good at home. And to me, that was the provision that I needed.

Yeah, I love that. I love that so much. Thank you so much for sharing that. One of the things that. You know, this is a podcast that centers the black and brown women's experience. And I think we would be remiss if we weren't talking about kind of how we grow up with money. Right. And so I'd love to talk to you about what you see in your work in terms of how black girls see money, how they grow up with money, and how that affects them in their adulthood.

Well, what I see in my world, I mean, is that one, I think that black folks have a lot of trauma around money. Oftentimes, there was not enough. A lot of black women are taught, quite honestly, that they have to Be the rooter and the tutor, if you will. Meaning that, okay, you're with someone but what black mama or auntie has not told you, stash away a little money on the side just in case this man does not work out. And so we see that a lot where it's just, you're taught that you actually have to be your own savior, your own provider. And if your fortunate and lucky enough that a man does something, that's great, but not to expect it, which I think has set us up for, for failure when it comes to, you know, financial relationships. You know, not to expect that men can and will provide joyfully and leaving space for them to do so. And so like, yeah, that's kind of the trauma that I see that folks grow up with not having enough, but knowing that, that you are almost as hyper independence, which is really a trauma response 100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see that as well. And I think it's important for us to understand that like if you grew up with not a lot, you're also going to feel that way in love as well. I want people to think of love as a currency and when we have it as a currency and you always feel like it's not enough or I got to always save or it's not always going to be there, or let me shop at the thrift store versus the mall or what have you, this is how we're thinking about love as well. And I think, you know, part of the work that I do is understanding that you can have it all, that you can actually have what you want and what you need and to actually step out of the prism that is holding you back there. Do you have any ways in which, from a mindset perspective, that you help your clients kind of step out of that kind of scarcity mindset that they may have when it comes to money and. Or other things?

Yeah, honestly. And this is something I struggled with that to learn to ask for help. Like you have to be in your feminine to learn to ask for help. I really struggle because I was like, oh, I'm a boss chick got this. I'm one of five girls and my father was a provider. I did not know until I got older that my mom made more than him. You know, not significantly, significantly more, but more. She was a nurse and he was an accountant and a CFO of a small nonprofit. But she made more. But the dynamics in the household would not suggest that. I didn't know that until like post college, you know, and so. But one of the things like Growing up, my father made us, like, very hyper independent. Because I'm Nigerian, and Nigerian culture is very male dominant. And because. Right. Because there were no boys. I think I would have told that totally different. Had he had a son, it would have been, this is my son. I'm going to raise him with all the tools and resources to look after my girls. But because there were no sons, my dad was like, I'm basically teach you to be my daughter and my son, you know? And so at the time, you know, it wasn't, you know, bad to learn to be independent, but I learned to be hyper, you know, independent, where it was like. Because my dad was like, you will take care of you. You got it. You. His thing was, if you decide that you want to marry, I want you to marry for love, not because you need this person. But I took it to the extreme where it was like, I don't need nobody. I got it. And I had to learn, and this is what I teach clients now, is that I had to learn that to soften and ask for help. And it took, quite honestly, like, my husband forced help on me, you know, like, I'd be struggling with it. He's like, why. Why do you have your luggage in your hand? I just. I was just going to. No, why don't you bring the laundry upstairs? I'm like, well, no, just leave it downstairs. When I get home from work, I will bring it upstairs. Tiffany. It's heavy. So it took. It was really odd for me to sit back and be like, people are going to do things for me. And it took, quite honestly, when he passed away, I could not help myself. And I finally had to just relinquish that and. And just say, like, hey, neighbor, can you bring this inside for me? You know, hey, friend down the street, can you bring me some food? Hey. And so this. This asking for help has softened me to just expect that people are gonna show up for me, you know that, like, so I am way softer. So I'm dating now. And I show. It's a different Tiffany because I have the expectation of, like, of course he's gonna get the door, you know, of course he's gonna pick up the check, you know, like, he doesn't have to wrestle me down. Like, my husband had to, like, stop doing things like, why do you have a shovel in your hand, ma'? Am? The snow is not your responsibility, you know, and so it's just the asking for help. Not just asking for help from men, but allowing people to help you. Family, friends, you know, like, call your best friend. Hey, girl, when you come, can you bring me some wine? Hey, you know, when you. Because you soften and because you. What you're really creating is the expectation that the world will meet your needs, that you do not have to meet all of your needs yourself.

That's right. Again, love is a currency. When you allow people to do things for you, you will actually create more love currency in your life. Yeah. You mentioned your upbringing, your Nigerian upbringing. What have you seen the difference as it pertains to money in life, but also in love when it comes to African women and African American women?

Well, I'll say that the Nigerian culture, I mean, I'm Igbo, so certainly I can't speak for all aspects. Like, there's Yoruba, there's Edo, there's all these different cultures within the culture. But in general, it's a very male dominant culture. And so the expectation is men will provide for you financially. And if he's not. Because if I'm being honest, my parents were not pleased when I met my, you know, my late husband, because they were like, where's his degrees? Ma', am, you have your bachelor's and your master's. You have this. You have, you know, like, so they were like, I don't understand. Like, your mama got her master's, I got my master's. And so there is a sense that men, you know, they were basically asking, how is he going to provide for you in a way that we think matches what you're deserving? And so that is the expectation that men will provide. And I don't know necessarily that that is the expectation that I've seen with my African American sisters that men are capable of providing. Now, certainly, this is just blanket statements because there are certainly a ton of Nigerian African men who don't, and certainly there are a ton of black men who do. But that's just the expectation is what I see from women, which is different, because it is very much like, what does your husband do? You know, like, you're like, honestly, no.

Shame about it, right?

No. What does your husband do? Like, oh, man. Like, even let me tell you something. When you go to a Nigerian party, they have something called the high table. They don't do as much anymore, but they say your title when they introduce you. So they're gonna say Dr. Chike ozone and Dr. Mrs. And if your name doesn't have a title, they'll make it up. They'll say, engineer. I'm like, that's not a title. They will because it's like, oh, no, I'm sorry. Let's. Accomplishments are always on display. Always. And so the expectation is there's all this accomplishment. Everybody is. Even my friends who want to do something else. I have a friend who wanted to be a dj. He went to law school, got his law degree, and his mother was like, okay, if you want to dj, fine, but you always have your law degree. That is very typical that even if somebody's in the arts, you'll find out, oh, yeah, I'm a chemical engineer, but I make this artwork, you know. And so, yeah, so the expectation is that, no, you are going to secure your financial future. If you want to do something on the side and make that your life, great, but do this first, because we don't know what the world has in store for you. But I know if you've got your degrees, then you'll be okay. But, yeah, that is the expectation is that the person that you bring to the table is going to be a doctor, a pharmacist, a lawyer, an engineer. And if they're not, what's different, too, that I have found that it's not even about money in the. In the sense of like, well, this person is rich. Yes. But they're like, what education do they have? Because in their mind, rich can come and go, but education will always provide. That's what I always thought that down that really like, oh, but such and Such is a DJ and he makes $300,000 a year. Okay, well. Well, when he doesn't DJ next year, then what? You know, and so that's the expectation that I found. That's different.

Thank you so much for sharing that. Because I think it's important to understand that there are different mentalities here. And oftentimes what I'm hearing from African American women specifically, they're giving a lot of these men chances. Men that aren't as educated or are not making as much money. And I wanted you to share that just so that for anyone that's listening to realize that you get to have these sort of expectations as well. And it doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you a. It doesn't make you snobby or too bougie. Dating, similar to money, is really needs to be rooted in safety. It has to be rooted in are you safe. And as a woman, that really needs to be your number one priority. I think so many of us have grown up with, keep your head in the books, right? Get that. Get those degrees to make that money. But we also have to think about that in terms of relationships as well. And I think that my African sisters do a really good job of that. And I would love for my black American sister to be able to hold that a little bit more. I think many times we've grown up in environments in this, for whoever, whatever decade we're in then the 70s, 80s, 90s, where we saw our mothers working so much and our fathers not working as much or making, you know, having lower wage jobs because they didn't have as much opportunity. And so that becomes something that is normalized and that is okay. And if you see your model of your mother accepting that, you think it's okay for a woman to be able to accept that. But I'm here to just say, and the 2000s and 2000s and beyond, that's not going to be acceptable anymore. So I'm just sharing that with all of my listeners out there that these men are going to have to provide in terms of safety for you. Do you have anything you want to share?

Yeah, I was going to say that, like, I think it's the reason. One of the reasons why I chose my husband is because my dad, as imperfect as he was, was a super provider. You know, I remember if it was like, if it was going to take three jobs for us to have tennis lessons, it was going to take three jobs, and it was never any. It was like, oh, okay, so this summer we're all. You're all doing tennis. I played tennis from second grade all through college. I didn't realize how expensive tennis was. I'm one of five girls, and it was like, whatever it takes, you know? And even when I used to date, like in my teen and in college, I remember there was no little boy that could say, I'm not going. I'm like, well, I'll just ask my dad, like one. He's going to say, I'm going to show you how you can get it, but if you need it, I got you. And so when I met my husband, that is what triggered for me in a good way, because I saw that he was a super provider, you know, not just for me. He was the type that the neighbors would come to and say, oh, Jerrell, can you help me do this? Or, like, if someone was away on vacation, I'm like, why do we have all this mail in our house? Oh, the neighbors across the street, I don't even know their names. He was one of these people that provided in general, Valentine's Day would come. If I have sisters. That were single flowers for everybody. One of my sisters has two little kids. He would have. I remember he had his work mom make a Valentine's Day dinner for all of us and had Valentine's Day dinner. My three sisters. One of them was in Chicago, so there's five of us. But my three sisters, myself, my niece and my nephew were all in red and pink. I look back at those pictures fondly. He was providing for, like, I got all y'. All. He talked to my parents more than me sometimes. I'm like, who are you talking to? Oh, your dad. I'm like, what are y' all talking about? He said, whatever he wants. He said, tiffany, at that age, I call and I let him hang up. You know, let him be the one. And so to me, I just. That is what I love so much, is that he figured out provision from the financial sense, but just in totality. And I felt so emotional, spiritual, intellectual. Yes. But also financial, too, because I knew that, like, the bills are paid and I don't have to worry about it. And if I don't want to do budget okay. And if I do, even better. And so I just say all that to say that, like, yes, I want that for everyone and I want that for myself. Again, if I'm being candid. And it's been hard dating, because finding that I know I'm 45 now, and so finding that, I'm like, wow, I did not realize just how. I mean, I knew I had something special and amazing, but I'm realizing, like, okay. That it's not as readily available because my husband was black. Black, Blackly black. I'm talking about black American, you know. So I just wanted also too. Cause I don't want anybody to think I'm speaking down about our black brothers and sisters. I'm like, no, my husband was not Nigerian. He was like, N.C. moved to New Jersey, you know, with his people, like Newark, New Jersey, black. And so. But just the best man that I know, you know?

Yeah, I love that. Thank you so much for sharing that. You talked about your dad. My dad works three jobs. He was a painter. And then he had his own painting business on the side. And then in night's time, he would work in the paint department of Home Depot to make sure that. So that's my model of seeing what it looked like to like, no, we just. We're going to work, we're going to bring in this money. And, you know, I just want to offer to everyone that is listening, because there's some shame in Wanting these things. Right. And they don't want to be called a gold digger or anything like that. It's not about gold digging, it's about gold stacking for the times that are not going to be great. Because life is 5050 and you want to be protected in those ways. So life is not, is just going to get more and more expensive as we've seen pre and post pandemic. Right. I think the general costs have gone up 20, 30% if not more. So please understand that like this is more important than it's ever been. And so any of the, you know, not wanting to want that, I want everybody to kind of shut away.

Yeah. Also too, you're looking for good habits, you know, because, I mean.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah. So meaning that if someone, you know, someone can make a lot of money, I mean, as I've been dating, I mean because of the, you know, I built a multi million dollar business and I said, you know, oftentimes my take home pay can be seven figures. Sometimes multiple seven figures in a year of what I actually take home. And so because of that, there are certain rooms I get to be in where there are men who that is typical, if not more. I'm talking about black men. And I still see habits that I'm like, if this business doesn't work out for him, he's going to be broke. So it's not just about the habits, girl.

What habits do we need to be looking out for when we're dating? Now you're freaking me out.

No, because sometimes I will see men who, their ego has allowed them to overspend. You know, like I know, okay, who's.

An overspender and who's not.

So like, so for example, it's like, okay, so you've got two Ferraris. I mean, I know you made, you know, $10 million last year, but a lot of men will be like, so I meet a lot of real estate men. So they'll be wealthy, but.

Cash flow poor. You know what I mean? And so it's just like, okay, but you're living in a way that, you know, you can't keep up with this, you know? Cause I could do the math. I'm like, the budget needs to is budget. I'm like, okay, carried one, you know. And I can kind of tell, I'm like, okay, this is more so a response to your ego. And if you have a bad year, you don't know how to slow down because you just said you had a bad year, but then you just bought this just G wagon. But I'm like, the math is not mathing, you know? And so to me, I'm looking for someone that is living within their means. If their means are 10 million, great. But like, you should be living at 10 or 20, you know, but also, too, I'm looking for someone who I always say, like, yes, you're going to. One of my friends would always complain that he caught gold diggers all the time. I said, well, you fish with gold. So I'm also looking to see if you are fishing with gold, you're going to get goldfish. So if that's what you're dangling in front of me. Because all the time, men, you know, they don't know what I mean, because we're not talking about that. But I can tell the. In those rooms, sometimes the impression is, if I let her know how much I'm making, you know, this will make me more attractive. And certainly it can. But I'm just like, if that's what you're telling me is that's what you. That's the only thing you bring to the table. I'm also looking for that where it's like, oh, okay, that you think that you can purchase my attention, my love, my whatever. And I'm like, I'm just not interested in that. I'm certainly. It's nice if a man, you know, makes millions of dollars. But I'm looking for also kindness, you know, When's the last time you spoke to your mama, right? You know, like, how. How are you showing up for your community? You know, are you just out here bragging and. Because I've seen those same men a few years later with nothing, you know, because I'm just like, okay, because you were living way above your means. But also, too, sometimes you see these men, like, I don't like when men do this. Tiff, you're different than other women. I hate that. You know, like. And so. Because what that tells me is that, like, you know, that doesn't impress me or men who don't take care of their children, you know, like, I just don't understand, like, why somebody would be with someone like a sis. If you get a baby by him, one day, you might be on the other side of that. So these are kind of like the financial habits. Like, you know, you're overspending. You're not taking care of your financial responsibilities. You lead with ego.

You, you know, like, there's not open conversations about money. Because I, you know, I think that money should be. If we're together this kind of open conversation because I signed the NDA, so I'll keep it as broad as possible. Sometimes women of note, like blue, I call the blue check Brown brigade, right? Will reach out to me and say, can you help me? I'm talking about women who are married to some of the most powerful men in industries. And I'll be like, is this really this person? And it'll be like, so I have access to whatever credit card I want, but I don't. Nothing else. I'm like, ma', am, you don't know. None of the bank accounts, none of this, none of that, you know, and so that is also a red flag, because what that means is, you know, once he's done with you, the credit cards get cut off. Then what?

Right?

You know, so financial secrecy is something too. That is a red flag for me. You know, that happens a lot. You'd be surprised how many women, they've had a great, amazing life, but the kids are getting older and they start to realize, like, hold up, you know, once my baby finishes college or goes off to college, am I. Is he going to get rid of me? Possibly, you know, because now we don't have to worry about child support, you know, and so, like, that comes up a lot. So that's something too. I know everybody aspires to these very, very wealthy men, but you want to vet for not just the wealth, also for like, what kind of person is this?

Of course. Of course. So when do you think that we should be having some of these financial conversations either within dating, like casual dating, more serious dating, and then kind of marriage, like, what sort of conversations should we be having at all three kind of phases of dating and relationships.

So in casual dating, I don't mind having, like, kind of the casual financial conversations. Like, you know, like, you can have, like, you could tell a lot by a person by, like, oh, what are some of your. What are some of your goals? You don't have to say financial goals, but, you know, you know, what are some of your goals? Like, oh, you know, I really would love to save for a house. Okay, now, you know, like. Or, like, you know, I really want to go on vacation. Or, you know, you could tell a lot by how someone pays for things, you know, like, I mean, I'm someone who. I use my credit card a lot because I get points, you know, do they seem nervous when that bill comes? You know, you know, and yeah, so that these are kind of early conversations, like, in general, asking about financial goals, but just also seeing, like, what their Reaction is when it comes to, like, talking about your goals, too. Because if there's an offense, because some men take great offense when women have opinions about money. So if I'm. If I'm sharing about, like, you know, like, some of my financial goals or things that I'm working on, I'm looking also to see how is his reaction to that. And she kind of like, yeah, yeah. Or interested, right? Like, oh, tell me more. So these are kind of like. Those are the dating now relationship stuff.

Before we go on to that, I just want to co sign on this because there are a lot of women that are, like, literally interviewing these men about their financial history and things while you're casually dating. And I just want to say I think that that is inappropriate. Yeah, I think that it is. These are not. This is getting to know you. This is not like, you're not supposed to be interrogating somebody as if they're on the witness stand about their financial history and things like that. So I just want to co sign on that because I think a lot of. And I get it. Right? We want to keep ourselves safe, especially if you're a black or brown woman. This is very important because y' all are not trusting people, because we may not have had a lot of people to rely on in the past. And so I understand that you're trying to, like, cross your T's and dot your eyes, but I do want to just mention this point in casual dating. I don't want us to have the deeper financial conversations. His wallet is not your business right now.

And you can tell a lot. You can ask questions that don't. Because asking somebody about, like, what their goals are or what's the last trip you took, you know, these are things that, like, if you listen, men will tell you.

Yeah.

You know, like, you know, like, let's just say I'm like, I was dating this guy who does a lot of real estate, and he was just like, oh, I just closed on this deal. But I don't know if it was a good idea, you know, so you. I'm just listening with my financial ear, like, okay, you know, what are. You know, men like to talk about the things that they're up to, you know, and so it could tell you a lot without having to. Having you for you have to. For you to dig deeper. But then dating, dating, I believe. Okay, now we can get to the nitty gritty.

Yeah.

Like credit scores. And so, for example, my husband and I, when we started dating, dating, I said, okay, like, you Know, I'd like to save to go on vacation, you know. And so it gave me like some insight into like the way he navigated, you know, financially because, and also too, this, this will help you to help them develop like, you know, like better habits. So I remember I was like, you know, this is, we're dating, I moved in and, and he said something that kind of triggered something. I think he said something about his car note being too high. And I said, well, let me take a look. It was, I was like, what in the hell? Why is your car note so high? And he said, my credit score. And I said, okay. That's what he looked. I was like, can we look up your credit score? Like I said, this is dating, you know, we're together.

Yeah.

He said, okay. And it wasn't great. It was like five something or whatever. And I said, now that to me is not a deal breaker. A deal breaker is the habits that brought you here.

Right?

You know, and so I said, now if he, the credit score is 5 something because he's a gambling addict, then no dice. Okay.

So we were Talking about the 500 credit score and what the habits are to get you there. And one of the things that I always, that I always want to understand is, is this person open minded enough to change those habits?

Yes.

Right? Yeah, go ahead.

Because oftentimes someone is there because they do not know, right? They're not willfully us. Yes, they do not know. And that's what happened. I said, why is it a 5 7? He said, I don't know. I said, are you trying to fix it? He said, yes. I got something called secured credit card. So for those who don't know, a secured credit card is literally a credit card that's secured with your money anywhere from 300 to $1,000. You give it to a bank, they put it in a savings account for you and they give you a credit card of that same limit. That way if you swipe 300 and don't pay that bill, they'll just take the 300 from your savings account. So as an unsecured credit card is what most of us have, which is that you just swipe, basically you're taking a loan out every time you swipe your regular credit card. So he had a secured credit card, which a lot of people use to build their credit. It's a great tool for that. The limit was like, I don't know, $500 or something, which is very typical when you first get one. And he had a balance of like four Something on it. And I was like, well, this is why your credit is low, because you're maxed out, you know. So one of the issues is that he paid a lot with cash. So he also had something called a thin file. A thin file essentially means you don't have much credit history, so therefore you have bad credit. Think about like a driver. Like my, my. My stepdaughter, Alyssa is 18, so she's a bad driver. Not because she's been in any accidents, but she just started driving. So by nature of you being new, you're bad at it. That's how credit works. If you have very little credit, they consider you bad at it. And so he had very little credit history. So he got that secured card. And I said, well, do you have the $400 to pay off this, this bill? He said, yes, but the people at the bank said to run it up and just pay a little bit a month. Why did I tell my man that? Because they do that because they want that interest, right? But he's just like, this is what the people said. I said, that's a lie. They want you to pay interest on that 500. So no, I said, babe, if you just paid off in full, your credit score raised, he was like, oh, okay, paid it off. And I remember we were at the bank maybe like a month or so later, and it. He had like this 400 something dollars in his bank account. He was, I have extra money in my bank account. And so we asked the banker, he tried to leave. I said, sir, let's make sure this is your money first. You know black folks, like, hold up a little extra. I was like, let's make sure. Turns out, because he paid off the card, they said, we trust you now. No more secured card. Now you have a regular card, and we're giving you back your deposit. And his credit score raised 100 points in those three months. And so from there he was like, okay, but you see to me that if now, like I said, if his credit was bad because of gambling or like, I'm not going to judge you because you have poor credit because you had a medical emergency. How is that? You know what I mean? Like, to me, we could work with that, you know, so really, to me, that's in this dating, dating phase. We're looking at the habits a person has. Do they have the ability, the willingness and the openness to learn new habits or to develop new habits in order for them to be financially sound? And so we worked on that a lot. And by the time he And I got married. We were really on the same page. That's when I was just like, okay, like, let's buy a house. Before he passed, he still worked at where he worked. He worked basically for the city, but he had state insurance, which was like, supreme. I mean, you can get acupuncture for free. So one of the reasons why he still worked there, because it's like, okay, solid one. You get a pension, you know, solid income. But the insurance was amazing. And our financial advisor was like, Tiffany, best thing to do. Jerrell. You work here until 45. You would have turned 45 this year. And then when you retire, because you had 25 years in, you get to take that life, that insurance, that health insurance with you. So it would be perfect because it's like, because child health, the cost that I pay out of pocket for health insurance. So it would have been great because. Because our. Our ultimate goal was that we had purchased some properties when he was here. And I was like, okay, let's purchase more. Because now he was a super. So he managed 300 units. I said, if you could do 300, babe, you could do four or five of our own. And so the switchover was going to be like, we've got these five or six properties. You manage that. That's your business. We have health insurance that is supreme that we get to keep with us. And then I continue to work as a budget Lisa, if I so choose. And so having a financial plan is what you also want to start developing. Now, this is the marriage component of, like, so what does this look like? What do we want?

Hold on one second. So, because I get a lot of questions all the time, so when would you want to ask about their salary and share your salary? At what point do you think it's good to actually have that conversation?

I would say the transition from just dating to, like, to, like, dating exclusive. Like, you're like, this is your man, you know, so there's usually like, this transition where you guys are talking about, like, I really like you. Matter of fact, you might be saying, I love you. And this is. So this is when you can. I don't know that I ever asked specifically, but it can come up in conference. There's ways to say, like, you know, like, I'm pretty, like, straightforward. Like, when it came to his credit score, I was like, well, what's your credit score? If your car noticed this much, you know, one of the ways you can ask is, let's do a budget together, you know, so you don't have to like, what's your. It's like. Because I was like, babe, so you have to put the piece with the pizza. Everybody wants pizza. So for. For pizza, for. For me was, okay, vacation. And the P's was, I want to know more of his financial business. I was like, well, I want to go on vacation this year. Let's do a budget. So we sat down, it was like, okay, so what are you making month? This is what I'm making. What do you. You know? So this is what I could really see. The financial. What does the debt look like? What does this look like? Because we're working toward this vacation, which is the pizza. So this is one of the ways to introduce that. Find something that there's a yes for for both of y'. All. Maybe it's vacation. Maybe it's like some extravagant restaurant or experience you want to experience. Do a budget together where it creates a space, a safe space for both of you to bring your finances to the table. Because it's like, I'll show you mine and you'll show me yours. And so that was one of the ways I was able to do that. And I would say, at least by the time you're definitely like, exclusively dating each other, so boyfriend and girlfriend. But, you know, toward the end of, you know, we're dating just in general, you can start to have those kind of conversations if you're, like, worried about making this person like your person person. Create a budget together to do something special and see what comes up.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. I always say also when we're getting a little bit serious, right? So six months. And then later, when we're talking about, you know, potentially moving in together, what that would look like, how we would need to save, like, you know, joint accounts, things like that. It's a great time to be like, well, let's budget so that we understand what we would need to have to potentially move in, let's say in summer 2026, or a year from now. Right. And so that gives you another opportunity. I know, because I can hear people like, well, I'm in a six month, one year relationship now. Well, girl, do it now if that's on the horizon.

Right.

Again, because I think we grow up, like, not talking about money a lot. And so I think it really hinders us when we're in the dating and when we're in our dating lives because we don't want to talk about it. And then we get upset when we realize that, you know, this person has $50,000 worth of debt and now you feel like you're in charge of it. And now you grow. You've grown resentful because of it.

I. You don't want to buy your own ring, you know? Meaning so like, because you know, a man will propose to you, swipe that credit card and then you guys are together now. You paid off that credit card bill, sis. You bought your own ring. You know what I mean, girl?

That is it. Don't buy your own ring. Yes.

Do not buy your own ring. This would be the title of the episode of this.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, and so, yeah, so yes, making plans together that external to money but involves money conversations is one of the best ways to pull those things out. Because is there a willingness to share? Is he hiding? This tells you a lot about who he is, how he shows up financially. We can't make plans together. You can't share this with me. You know, before I jump into this like feet first, maybe I need to explore this further. And I will say this, that I don't believe in joining bank accounts until marriage or if you're not going to get married. Like this is like, you know, like life partnership, right? So just because there are, you know, there are legal components to that because you can still have a joint financial life without having to join bank accounts, you know. And so to me, the, the way that I have seen work best when it comes to joining bank accounts, like you know, after you get married or decide, you know, we're in a lifelong partnership is there's ours and mine, you know, and like yours too. Mine meaning like each person says mine. So we had a joint checking account and this was our bills checking account. And so all of our bills got paid from that check. I was in charge of making sure bills were paid. He put the money in the bills checking account and it was my job to make sure like okay, it went to where it went to. The only money I added to the bills account was I send money to like my. I know you don't agree with this, but I give money to my parents not because they need it. I know you got your African thing going on, girl. Yes. Yeah. And here's the thing. Not because they need it, it's because, well one, I'm quite honestly I'm wealthy now. And so it's my gift to them that I send every month, you know, and so, and it doesn't, it's not even a dent in like what I, you know, I don't even spend 10% of what my take home pay is. So it's just like, mommy, daddy, I love you. Buy yourself something nice, you know, So I do that every single month. So that went into the bills account because I automated the bills from there. But that's the only money I placed in that bills account. And that was our joint checking. But then I had a separate checking for myself. He had a separate checking for himself where he could do whatever he wanted with that excess. I could do whatever we wanted. We had a joint savings account, our joint savings account. Now, that's where I heavily put, you know, money in. So he saved a little in our joint saving, but most of his money went to our bills. So we would say we would decide we want to purchase a house or a car or this. And so that's. We would put the goals that we were saving toward in our joint savings. But then I had my personal savings and he had his personal savings. Same thing for our investment accounts. We had a joint investment account, but then separate investment accounts because we had our own separate retirement funds. So I like the idea of I have my own. And it wasn't a secret. I wanted to look. I could see what he had, and he could see like, like, you know, what I had individually. But what it made is that there's autonomy because we're adults, where I. Because if I'm being honest, like, he had to teach me that because in the beginning, I was kind of like the. He used to call me the budget needs to bully. Because I'd be like, you got new sneakers? How much for those you got? You know, he'd be like, babe, I. The bills are paid, right? Savings is saved, you know, And I realized. Yes. And so what I realized is that I was trying to control, you know, because I'm like, well, I'm the budget niece. I know all the things. And that's when I said, tiffany, if we have these accounts like this, if the bills are paid and savings is saved and the investments are invested, he could buy 10 pants of Jordan's because it did not affect the safety of our household.

Right.

So it allowed me to just relax and say we have. Because I'm like, you're not. This is not a boy. You know, like, he has the autonomy to do what he wants as long as we're good. Well, then, yeah. So that. That really worked out well. And we didn't have any financial kind of strife when we came up with that, with that solution.

I love that. So that's good for the. For kind of in the marriage phase, right? Or long term partnership phase. Are any. Any Other sort of conversations or ways that you think about money when it comes to the marriage phase? What, like, for example, what about prenups and things of that nature?

What do you believe in a prenup? Honestly, I had one because by then, even though, like, I said, you know, I. I credit my husband with creating a safe environment for me to grow my business, it still was my business, right? And so. And I had several businesses back then. And so before we got married, you know, I think when we got engaged, I told him. I was like, you know, I want to. I want to get a prenup. And he was like, okay. Honestly, he was chill about it. I don't think he fully. I think he thought prenups from, like, tv where he was like, ooh, can we put in there how many times a week we could have sex? I'm like, jerrel, that is not. That is not what a prenup is about.

Right?

I said, but it's really more of a financial contract. And he was like, well, I don't want anything from you. You know, he was like, tiffany, I know you built that. And I said, and I love that, but I know that that's why you create. My attorney always says you create. Create these financial contracts when the love is in the air. Because when it's not. Sometimes it's not about love. When someone is. They're just wanting to hurt you, you know, and they know they could do so financially. And so, yeah, the prenup that we created was really straightforward. It was like, I own the business. Like, any business that I created was mine. Anything that he brought to the. That. That's what his. That was his prior to us getting married, was his. And whatever we created together, like I said, we bought homes together, was ours equally to split. It felt there was mine is mine, was yours is yours. What's ours is we split equally, right? He was just like, okay, so, yeah, so you get to. You get to create. I mean, everybody's different. So, you know, you get to create whatever that kind of looks like for you. But I think that a prenup is a good idea, especially if you think you might not be making a ton of money now, especially if you're, like, building something or in a career or something where you're thinking to yourself, you know, I might bring more to the table. I have friends who, you know, who, like, weren't making as much, and then, you know, five, 10 years later, they're getting divorced, and they're the significant breadwinner, and he's trying to take them, girl.

We're seeing it in Hollywood now. Black actresses who are.

Literally every other year, it's another one.

Yes. I say prenup, prenup, prenup. I mean, maybe the only case where maybe is if you're getting married at like 21, you know, and both y' all literally came with nothing, which would indicate that you probably both built it together. That's probably the only time that I might. I might say, like, okay, well, you know, you're super, super young. You both come to the table with 0 whatever is produced because this marriage is as a result of you both being together. Maybe. But other than that, if you're like grown and getting married, like at, you know, 30 plus, you know, highly considerate, it's not significantly expensive, but it is so worth it. Make sure you get it actually notarized and signed and you keep a digital copy and you keep a physical copy. So that way if it ever goes down, we're just like, okay, we're clear. Like, this is what's going to happen and you want to do it significantly before the actual wedding. Or else there could be like, oh, this person was forced to sign under duress, if something. If you guys were to break up.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Any other things we have to think about when we're in the marriage phase or long, long term relationship phase to think about?

So when you're in marriage, like, it's different. Like, so when I'm dating, I'm like, my expectation is, you got it. And even in like, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, but in the marriage phase or deeper dating, that it really becomes a space where, like, I am here to also make sure that I got it too. For your. So my husband had an aneurysm three years before he passed away from his second aneurysm. And he was. We were dating. I was living with him and he was out of commission for like five months. He had brain surgery and was out of commission. And we. I had applied for disability for him, but the money didn't come in until after he had already gone back to work. Because it takes that long. Not always, but it did. But I. So I. The bills were on me, but it wasn't for me to be like, oh, I didn't sign up for that. It's like, no, no, I actually did. This is my partner who's been looking after me. And as soon as he went back to work, it went back to what we did before. And so these are the kinds of things that like financially thinking about those things. And also, too. But even in debt, I have to say, honestly, this is a man who, like I said, never made over 60. He left a significant windfall. I won't say windfall, but a significant amount of money for my bonus daughter. College is paid for. First home was paid for because of the insurance that he left for her. You know, like, she doesn't, you know, she is. I don't know. I mean, she's. I wouldn't say she's wealthy, but, you know, not too far, you know, relative. I mean, certainly I didn't have this level of money at 18. You know, it's all locked up in trust and things like that. So, you know, she doesn't have to have direct access. And so those are the conversations to have too, is that. And even so, when he passed away, too, for me, I was left with a significant amount of money. I'm living in this beautiful condo that I paid for cash because of the money, you know, part. Part of the money that he left me. I didn't have to come out of pocket. You know, it's just. And so I say that to say that there are ways to provide, no matter your income. And, you know, I'm looking. In general, you should be looking for a partner that understands that. That what do I need to do to make sure that I provide for my family in life and in death? So these are the questions that you should be having in, you know, in these deeper. Like when you're married, in deeper conversation or deeper relationships, it's like, how will I make sure that you're okay? I get to just miss him. I don't. The financial component is taken care of. He was like, oh, no, no, no. He was always really big on that. Like, y' all are going to be fine. You will miss me, but you will not miss a step financially. And we have not.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for sharing all of your wisdom and also all of your vulnerable truth. Right. I really do appreciate that. I think that this is often things that aren't necessarily talked about, but I think are important, especially in our community. So I do. I really appreciate that. For those people that want to learn more about what you do and work with you to kind of get their own financial life together, but also to get themselves prepared to get into an amazing relationship and have that. That financial knowledge, how can they get in touch with you to potentially work with you?

Well, one, hopefully you'll watch my special on pbs, get good with money. But also, too, I have so many resources. If you go to thebudgetanista.com one of my favorites is our get good with money plan which walks you through these 10 steps to something I call financial wholeness. And this is budgeting, savings, debt, credit, learning to earn, investing for both wealth and retirement, your net worth, insurance, your financial team and estate planning. So I walk you through myself and the experts that help me get on track. It's a course and it is directly based upon my New York Times best selling book and it's helped, I want to say over 150,000 people get and stay on financial track. And all that is available@thebudgetnista.com and I'm the budget Nista everywhere so you'll find me everywhere there too. Like social media, Instagram, all the things.

Awesome, awesome awesome. Tiffany, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for having me.

Ladies, you heard it here first. Do not pay for your own ring. To be learned from this episode. Thank you for listening as always and I will see you on the flip side. Bye bye bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get your guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com, apply time or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.