Healing and Dating

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week, you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and welcome to the getyourguy coaching podcast. I am so happy to have you here and listening, and I just want to thank everyone for binging on these episodes. I mean, this podcast is just growing in the charts, and it's, like, really surprising because I just come in here and just, you know, spill my tea, and y' all keep on listening. So I want to thank you for following and continuing to support me and this mission of helping black and brown women get into the best relationships of their lives. Now, today, I want to talk a little bit about healing in the dating process. And the reason why I want to talk about this because, you know, I know that a lot of you all smart and successful black and brown women out there, feel like you got to be perfect, right? That at the end of the day, if I'm not perfect, I can't date. And that really comes from growing up in an environment, especially from many of our mothers, where we were taught that we had to be perfect, that perfection is the thing that is going to keep us not just alive, but thriving. It's so important for you to realize that you do not have to be perfect and you do not have to be fully healed to start dating. And actually being perfect will actually hurt you in dating, because being perfect is unrelatable, right? Like, it's. It's the humanness that allows us to relate and to create deep connections with each other. And if you're not able to be relatable, it's. You're not going to connect with the guy that you're dating or the person that you're dating. That person's going to put you on a pedestal and admire you, but not get a sense of that. They can actually know you. So please understand, I want you to come as your true, authentic self. I want you to be able to rock out.

And be the perfectly imperfect human that you are. Okay? So with that said, I want to talk about healing because so many of you think that you're not fully healed yet, but I want to give you some surprising signs that you actually are healed. So that you could feel more comfortable putting yourself out there in such a significant way. Here's the thing, because I hear a lot, like, especially the women that come to me, they're like, yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna, like, you know, work with you or, you know, get a matchmaker. Girl, the tea is that you can go to a matchmaker, but please realize that the success rate for a matchmaker is 5%, and that's for white women. Please understand that if they're trying to deal with black and brown women, it's gonna be significantly less. We're looking at maybe a 1% success rate because they don't know how to match y'. All. And the gag is that even if they match you with a perfect person, you might not be ready for him. If you still have mad triggers, if you still want to self sabotage, if you want to nitpick, if you want to be a judgmental girl, you're not going to be ready for your perfect guy. So that's why I'm always kind of like, when it comes to matchmakers and like, thinking that you are your own best matchmaker. But it requires you to do significant healing and you can heal in the process of dating. That's another thing that I want to have you recognize and understand. Healing is something that is ever constant and evolving. So please understand that dating is actually an amazing opportunity for you to heal. Because dating, like, parenting, brings up all your shit, and when you have that shit, like, at the surface, it gives you the opportunity to heal it. So you are your own best matchmaker, and you get to heal while dating. With that said, I want to go through the actual signs that you're dating because I know that, like, so many of us, like, don't know when we are healing. So I want to give you a sense of, like, some surprising ways in which we're healing. And you're like, oh, girl, I didn't even know that. So here's the thing. The first sign that you are healing is that you have ended relationships. And I know that that sounds really counterintuitive, but it's so true. Here's the thing. As we change and grow, relationships also change. So the person that you were years ago isn't the person that you are today. So it's supernatural that some of these relationships are going to end. Please understand that that is creating the space for new people to really enter your life. And as it pertains to dating your new person to enter into your life, here's what I know I know that in my program, about a third of the relationships are going to die off. Why? Because.

Those relationships were probably imbalanced to begin with, that you are probably doing way too much. And we've created boundaries, and we have worked on our vulnerability. So the people that have been using you or taking advantage of you are going to fall away. And the people that are truly emotionally absent and don't have the emotional sensitivity are not going to be able to handle the level of emotional depth that you are requiring in your relationships. So please understand, if you are interested in working with me, understand that a third of your relationships are going to go by the wayside, girl. And that's a good thing, because it's going to create space for your person who is going to ultimately be there for you. You want this. This is healing. Okay? The second kind of surprising sign that I always see when I'm working with my clients is that they feel really lost and really confused. Here's the thing. Healing is really scary. It's really uncertain, and it means that you are forging a new path in your life. It's like going to Mars. Like, what the hell is this? So it's supernatural and makes total sense. If you're going to feel confused or unsure or insecure, taking a big leap like this in life and in love is so important. And it's about betting on yourself, girl. There is a difference between, like I was saying before landing on Mars and then going to your old neighborhood or your, oh, your old school. You're going to know where everything is, so you're going to feel like a master of your own domain. But when you go in this new and different area, you're going to realize, I don't know about any of this. I don't know where to go. I don't know in what direction. I don't feel secure. I don't feel protected. This is why when you're doing this deep work, it's really important to be working with someone, someone that can be a tour guide, a travel guide for you to help you understand where your blind spots are and let you know. Oh, girl, don't go left. Go right. Oh, girl, don't worry about that. That's not poisonous. Oh, girl, that animal, girl. That animal is not going to do anything. We can kill it, girl. And keep it moving, right?

You're going to feel lost and confused. That's why it's really dangerous to do this work alone, especially as it pertains to dating. Because what will happen is when you are Trying to heal on your own, and you can do a good part of it on your own. But when you're healing and dating on your own, sometimes what will happen is that you will lean into the person that you're talking to for that additional healing. And that's not the responsibility of a potential boyfriend or someone that you're casually dating. That's your work, and you get to do it on your time outside of the dating realm. Okay. All right. The third surprising thing that I see when I see my clients, like, totally leveling up and healing is that they suddenly turn into an introvert. Even the most extroverted of us will turn into an introvert because we're becoming. We're checking in with ourselves much more. Right. What does this look like? It looks like you're spending more time at home. You're learning a lot. You're maybe reading more, less tv, and you're enjoying, you know, the little things that make, you know, you know, home, home. It's really about safety in your own self, in your own surroundings. You might be eating in a little bit more. And it's because you're more energetically aware of who you're around.

Feeling safe and enjoying that and just enjoying you and your own company. Right. What does this mean? It means that you're going to feel less lonely even when you are alone, because you have things that you can do and you're not trying to, like, numb yourself. Like, we're not online shopping. We're not binging. We're not, you know, drowning in alcohol or going out and partying super hard to try to, like, you know, get away from our own lives. We're actually diving into our own lives and we're appreciating it and we're loving it and we're basking in it. That's what it looks like. So, girl, sometimes it's going to be like, hey, girl, I can't make it, but I'm going to hit you the next time around. And when you find yourself doing that and not doing that from an avoidant place, but in a I'm really happy with where I am place, you know, you're healing. Okay. The next thing that I think is really important in terms of your healing process, and I want you to be super, super cognizant of this, is that the things that you used to do are not going to feel normal anymore. Right. Before, we would live our lives in autopilot, and we'd just be like, no. Like, I. I always, you know, pick up groceries for my friend or I'm always going to come to my parents house on a Sunday because that's just what happens. That's just what I'm supposed to do. And I'm, you know, I'm supposed to, you know, take care of my friend's kids or what have you. As you heal and as you wake up, you're going to realize what's normal in society and for you and what can be highly unhealthy.

And this is mostly to do with boundaries. Here's the thing.

When you're choosing your own life and you feel like you have full control over it, you're not going to be hyper focused on the approval of others.

That means you don't have to do anything for anyone. And this is especially the case for your family, which is very hard for us people of color to realize that like ultimately you don't have to do everything for everyone. You're still going to be loved even if you don't pay for the meal, even if you don't do X, Y and Z. Your lovability is not based on your doability, it's based on who you are, not what you do. And so you're going to be doing less of those things. And even the things that people ask of you, it's not going to feel normal for you. You're not going to be an automatic yes. You're going to check in with yourself, figure out how it feels for you and then answer accordingly. That's what healing really looks like. And I want that for you so desperately. These are the things that we learn in my program. Okay, the next surprising kind of sign that I find for most of my clients when it comes to healing is that you actually have the courage to, to be really looking at your childhood in a truthful, no bullshit manner.

The majority of people out there, especially black and brown people, don't want to go back to childhood because it's so painful and they're afraid of, if I open up this Pandora's box, girl, I don't know what's in it, I'm going to be out of control. And so they deny its relevance.

When you have the courage to ask yourself the difficult questions and to see things as they are, this is the ultimate living in your truth. And here's the gag, girl. If you don't know, if you don't explore your entire childhood, what I know is that you don't know who the hell you are. Because everything that you do, everything like how you navigate this world, how you react to things. What you say, how you express yourself, how you communicate and connect with others is all based on your childhood. And if you know all about your childhood, you're going to know why you do the things that you do. And when you know the things that you do, you are able to actually change the patterns that are not fully serving you. Okay, this is so important.

And then finally, the surprising thing that I see so much from so many of my clients when they are healing is that they're actually going to fall into their old patterns at least a couple more times. Yeah, here's the thing. Old patterns are wired into our subconscious mind and nervous system. So to think that you're never going to do them again, even if you're on this healing journey and tracking is unrealistic. Falling back into them is going to happen even if you are healed. It's this constant work that you are going to be doing to heal in your lifetime. There is never going to be a point where you aren't going to stop healing. So this is going to be a forever journey, girl. So you better get into it.

Understand this. We learn from each of these experiences when we fall back into those old patterns that don't serve us. And in those experiences, we get to become more and more clear on who we want to be the woman that we want to be in love and in life.

What I see in healing is that not only we will fall into those old patterns, but to know that you are healing is to actually be able to acknowledge this is an old pattern of mine. Here's why I did it, here's what I want to do moving forward. And that's the work that I do to make sure that we are acknowledging the old pattern. Acknowledgement is like everything here. Okay, so these are the patterns that I see so often when it comes to healing. And if you have these healing patterns, even though they're quite surprising, I know them to be true. As someone who works with women all day, every day, day, if you have these patterns, if you have these signs for healing, please know that you are on the right track. And if you have any of these, please understand and know that you're probably ready to date. Now, I hope that this was really helpful for you as you navigate your healing process and your dating journey. Again, you don't have to be fully healed to date, and I hope that you put yourself out here in these dating streets and heal along the way. If you need help with that healing, I'm always here to help you. I have two programs. The get yout Guy Club and the VIP program. Book a call with me so we can figure out which program is going to be best for you. And with that said, I want to wish you well, my loves. Bye now.

Hey girl, thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching Podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review Wherever you listen to your podcasts. Talk soon.