Inner Child Wounds Pt. 2

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining me today on the getyourguy Coaching podcast. This episode is going to be a continuation of last episode where we were talking all about our inner child wounds. Now, last episode, and if you didn't catch that one, please catch up, girl, and listen to that one. But in the last episode, we talked specifically about the abandonment wound and the trust wound. And just to remind you, the abandonment wound is all about feeling left out, fears of being left out, Someone who hates being alone, who may be codependent, who often threatens to leave earlier than they should. And this someone who has this wound will normally attract someone who is emotionally unavailable. Okay, and we also talked about the trust wound. And this wound is really related to someone who is afraid to be hurt, who doesn't trust themselves, who find ways to not trust others, someone who feels and needs a lot of external validation. Oftentimes they're feeling quite insecure and not safe. And this person normally attracts people who don't necessarily feel safe. So those were the two wounds that we talked about in our last episode. In this episode, we're going to talk about the three other wounds that often plague certain many women that are looking to level up in their love lives. The neglect wound, the guilt wound, and the shame wound. Okay, so first let's talk about the neglect wound. What is the neglect wound? Well, it's really about childhood neglect, and that occurs when a child's parent or caretaker failed to respond adequately to their child's emotional, medical or mental health needs. Okay, so think about if that's something that is that has happened to you. Now, when we're thinking about how these neglect wounds show up in our adult life, I want us to think about the following things. If you have a deep seated fear about depending on anyone for anything or asking for help or support.

Then that may be a neglect wound. Right? If you struggle with your identity, if you're unsure of your wants and your needs and your strengths and your weaknesses, that's a neglect wound. When other people neglect us, we tend to believe that we are worthy of being neglected so we neglect ourselves, right? If you attract individuals who do not appreciate you, it's a neglect wound. If you're spending a lot of time trying to meet other people's needs and pay little attention to your own, that's a neglect wound, girl. Right? Now, this is general and this can be related to so many wounds, but I think that this shows up pretty heavily for the neglect wound. The self doubt, the insecurity, and the lack of self worth. If those things are coming up for you, then we definitely have a neglect wound going on. Also, if you struggle with feelings and just expressing them in a healthy way. Right. That might be a neglect wound as well. If you. If you're super hard on yourself but super soft with others, that's a neglect wound, girl. And the last thing that I'll say about the neglect wound showing up in your adult life is if you oftentimes feel numb or empty or cut off from your emotions and you feel like you're unable to manage them and. Or express them, then we may be dealing with a neglect wound here. Now, how do we actually heal this wound? Right. What do we need to do now? One of the things that I think is really important, first and foremost is to identify who you may need to set boundaries with and then establish and secure those boundaries. Those might be friends, those might be family, parents, it might be work, it might be technology. Right. Oftentimes we'll scroll to numb ourselves and to buffer ourselves so that we don't have to focus on ourselves and do the things that we have to do. I have a client who's just started with me, and she's doing everything but date.

She has a neglect wound. She knows that this work is going to be great for her, but she's neglecting herself. So I think it's just a really good mirror to understand how we neglect ourselves. So if you are in the same boat, if you are doing everything but putting yourself out there because you know of the possibility of you being loved, it is a form and a representation of a neglect wound that is basically transpiring in real life, in your adult life. Okay? The other things that I want us to think about when we're thinking about healing this neglect wound is identifying your actual needs and then allowing others to meet you. Where you are at, girl, you deserve to have all of your needs met. So sit down, write out all of your needs. What you need from friends, what you need from family, what you need from work, what you need from relationships, and then start expressing those things to those people. Okay? Here's the thing. Healing is also about understanding that people are going to drop off. And when you express these things, some people will drop off. But I want you to understand and think about this as an opportunity for you to create space for your future partner. Right? And that partner is going to satisfy all of those needs. Whereas some of these other people who make the conscious decision that they can't satisfy their needs will drop off. And that's okay. We want that instead of faking the funk. Okay. The other thing that I will say in terms of healing this neglect wound is that you gotta learn to sit with your feelings. Like, instead of numb them, overcompensate by leaning in and trying to work hard, or, you know, start working out hard or leaning into what friends and family are doing and trying to being. Trying to be their savior. You've got to just sit with your feelings, acknowledge how you feel and why you may be feeling that way. We have to be able to label those feelings. Now, one of the first things that I do with my clients is I give them an emotion will, and that is to help them actually start to label these feelings instead of just letting the feelings run their lives. Right? We gotta be able to label those feelings. Mad, angry, sad, happy, excited. Right? First and foremost. Okay. The other thing that I will say with the neglect wound is that beyond some of the other wounds for the neglect wound, it's going to be important for you to actually be surrounded by people or support groups. Because what I know for sure is seeing people pour into you because of the nature of the group will allow you to start to pour into yourselves. Right. Also, knowing that you're not alone can really make a huge difference, and that is super, super important. Okay. The other thing that I want you to be thinking about and doing is I want you to try to find a healthy outlet that you can do to help you face your emotions and fears, one that is safe and secure. This can be anything from journaling or prayer, meditation. Right. Things where you can express yourself, dancing. We want to get these emotions and this energy outside of your body. Okay. Awesome. Okay. A couple of last things about healing this neglect. One, because this is actually something that's really prevalent for so many women. So I want to make sure I'm giving you a lot of different ways that you can start addressing this so that you can start to take those next steps to healing. Right. Not only do I think it's important for you to create a support group of individuals, but you've got to start to create a Strong support system for the people that you actually already know that have your best interest in mind, whether it's your best friend, your siblings, that college friend that was always there for you. I think having a group of two to three people that you can really rely on and lean in on is going to be really important in this healing journey. Especially when some people are dropping off, you get to lean into those relationships more, which means that you're going to let them know, hey, I'm on this healing journey. I'm going to probably be relying on you a little bit heavier or more heavily in the next couple of months. Are you okay with that? We want to always ask for permission before we start to lean in heavily. Okay. And then finally, obviously, like I said before in the last podcast, going to therapy or finding a coach that will help you with this, I obviously help my clients with this quite a bit. But there are so many amazing therapists out there that can help you really build that self esteem and that self love that is so necessary for you to achieve all of your goals, not just your love life goals. Okay, so when we're thinking about this neglect wound, a couple of questions that I want you to maybe write down and answer for yourself because I think these are really important. One, what unmet needs do I experience that I don't believe I can fulfill by myself?

And then the second one, what does love feel like to me? Do I feel truly loved by myself and by others?

I think those are really great questions just to get us started and trying to figure out what this whole neglect, where it's coming from and how I can move forward not just in the future, but also making steps in the present day as well. Okay, now I want to talk a little bit about the next one, which is the guilt wound. And the guilt wound is it happens when you're a child and you're growing up in an environment where you, you were treated unfairly. Maybe you were made to believe that you weren't good enough or that somehow everything was your fault, or that your mistakes are catastrophic instead of human. If that's the case, then you may have this guilt wound as an adult. So let's talk about how this guilt wound can show up for you. If you have the need to overextend yourself for others, if you are blaming yourself for things that are really not even within your control.

If you have a diagnosis of anxiety, then there probably is some guilt wound in here and realize that some of these things, probably that I'm mentioning can relate to a Variety of different wounds. Most of my clients have three to four major wounds here. Right. That we are trying to heal. So I don't want you to think that I have to pick one wound and that's my wound. No, we probably have a mixture of a couple of them. Right. But it's important to understand what they are and where they come from so that we can start to heal them. Okay. So I want to continue on with this guilt wound, how this kind of manifests in your life. If you have feelings of shame and unworthiness, then we might also have a guilt wound.

Also if we tend to get a bit self neglectful. Right. Or maybe even self destructive and other sort of self sabotaging behaviors, whether it's in relationships, whether it's in career, whether it's in life, whether it's. Then we probably have a guilt wound or we're not feeling like we are worthy of such relationships so we self sabotage them. The other thing that I want to kind of call out is some really poor self care habits that you may, you may have if you're aimless. Right. There's some emotional confusion going on within yourself. If you're struggling to say no and if you often detach from yourself, there may be a guilt wound here. And just I want to really talk about that because oftentimes I see a lot of women get into narcissistic relationships and they detach from their self so easily. I want you to know that it's not about you attracting the narcissistic relationship. It's about the guilt wound and healing that. Because the narcissist will smell that and then based on that will make sure that you are feeling like everything is your fault, which will exacerbate that guilt wound. So I want us to understand that this guilt wound is so important, especially when we're going to try to detract narcissists and not attract them. Okay. The other guilt wound that I think is important to understand is when you can't freaking sit your behind down and rest and take breaks. If you can't do that, girl, it's a guilt wound. You feel guilty, you're feeling lazy, you're feeling guilty like you're not doing enough. You're feeling guilty that you know the things that you are doing aren't enough. Right.

It's all related. Okay. And then finally. And this relates to not taking breaks. Oh. If you're always on the go, going from one thing to the next thing, right. You don't, if you don't Put breaks into your to do list. There's an issue, and we got to change that. Okay. All right, so what can we do to really heal this guilt wound? Well, similar to the neglect wound, we want to join a support group. Right. One of the things that's so powerful is realizing that you're not alone and that it's not your fault. Because when you're in a group and other people are actually experiencing the same thing, you realize that there's something outside of yourself that's happening to a variety of different people, and it's not just you. Right. The other thing that I think is important, which I'm hoping to do in this podcast, is just acknowledgement, Acknowledging, you know, that one needs to heal this wound. Right.

I think that's so important. It's really about acknowledging that something traumatizing has happened and that we have to actually heal it. The other thing that I think is important is to release those feelings of guilt and shame and embarrassment because it wasn't your fault. This is a reaction to what has happened to you. It is not you. Right. You did the best that you could with what you knew and what you had. Now what we get to do is create more tools for yourself to handle such things.

Again, we've got to be comfortable asking for help. It doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong. The top people in all of their industries, whether it's sports, business, law.

They have a coach. They have someone that's able to call out their blind spots, that's able to help them level up, help them heal, help them do the things that are necessary that they won't be able to do on their own so that they can be the best that they can be. And I really want to encourage you to do the same, whether it's you reaching out to work with me or other people, other coaches, life coaches, dating relationship coaches, career coaches, trauma and healing coaches. And if you want any recommendations, reach out to me. I know a shit ton of people that do a little bit and a lot of everything. So I'm here to help you and I'm committed to your healing, whatever that looks like. So please don't hesitate to reach out to me and be like. And you can do that in IG or Facebook or email. Hey, Anwar. I'm looking for a general life coach. Who do you recommend? Girl, I got you. All right. Yeah. Good.

So some things that I want you to think about right. As we start to.

Heal from this guilt wound, an affirmation for you.

I will treat myself with respect and kindness from today forward.

Another affirmation for you. I forgive myself so that I can have inner peace again.

Some questions that I think are going to be important for you to think about as you are starting to heal from your guilt.

1. Can you say with complete honesty that you respect the boundaries of others.

And yourself?

2. What are some healthy strategies you might develop to overcome feelings of emptiness? Because this all starts from you, girl. And what's good for you might not be good for the other person. Sometimes we try to take on what other people are doing and it doesn't work because it has to come from you. And then the third question that I want you to think about and write down, which relationships in my life no longer serve me? And here's the thing, girl, you've got to be ruthless. No one else will see this, but you've got to get clear on who's in and who's out. Very Project 1 Runway of you.

Okay, so we've talked about the neglect wound. We've talked about the guilt wound. The last one that I want to talk about is the shame wound.

Now, the shame wound is a wound of not belonging. It leaves you feeling like an outsider, a stranger in a strange land. And shame might come as a result of feeling different or not understood, whether that's in your family, friend, circle society, all of those different potential environments. Shame is also connected with childhood abuse and neglect. Now, how does this show up in your adult life.

When other people's opinions of you have a strong or stronger impact on you than your own thoughts? You probably have a shame wound going on, girl.

If you're feeling like you're bad or worthy of contempt or just inadequate as a person or as a woman, it's a shame own, girl. If you're struggling with letting people get too close out of fear of them finding out who you really are, that's a shame wound, right?

Again, if you're finding it hard to ask for help or have low self esteem, low self worth, and you're often keeping people away.

Shame wound. If you tend to self isolate yourself, it's a shame wound. Why do I say this? The shame wound? Because oftentimes that comes from when we're children and we have no power or control and the only thing that we can do is go to our room, shut our doors, and isolate ourselves to feel like we're gaining or regaining power and control. Oftentimes we might also do the silent treatment. Now, if you're doing that in your adult life, it's a problem and we have to learn how to face life, face truth, and have conversations, not confrontations. Right? Yeah.

So if you find yourself self isolating, we may have a shame wound going on. The other thing that I think is important to think about is if you're constantly caught in between projecting feelings of shame and internalizing them, if you start throwing out different things to different people. Right. And I'll give myself as an example. Before, I would often consider people either just hard working or lazy. And it was because I had a shame wound myself and a guilt wound of always feeling like I had to do something to prove my worth. And so for people that I didn't feel were working hard enough, I would project my feelings of inadequacy onto them. So if you find yourself doing that, if you're projecting quite a bit, there's a shame wound going on that I want us to heal from. Okay, so what can we do to start to heal that shame wound? Well, I think it's important to really identify what, what healing relationships you have and to really lean into them. Right. Obviously healing needs to occur in yourself, but I also think that healing within community is also equally powerful. And so it's going to be important for you to lean into those relationships heavily. The other thing that I want you to do is to heal the shame wound is to honor your needs. I think shame is deeply connected to feelings of unworthiness. And so when you tell yourself that your needs are silly or stupid or not worth even talking about, you are continuing this shame spiral. And it prevents you from expressing what you need. And when you can't do that, people can't meet you where you need to be met.

So you got to be able to tell yourself that your desires and your needs are important so that you can start to feel empowered to express them. The other thing that I want you to do is I want you to honor your emotions. I want you to hold space for each emotion that you're feeling. Instead of trying to ignore them, neglect them, judge them. Every feeling that you have is valid. There's no such thing as too emotional or too sensitive. Okay. If you're feeling that way, I want to knock that out of your head right now. When you are, quote, unquote, too sensitive or too emotional, it means that you feel like your emotions are not worth it or the other people's emotions are not worth them having. It's not right and it's not okay. So I want to make sure that we are making space for all of them. Because when you can do that for yourself, you can do that for other people. And when you can do that for other people, your relationships will also be richer. Okay, awesome. I think for this specific wound, the shame wound, it's going to be important for you to actually start creating some affirmations. So I want you to spend some time actually creating affirmations for yourself. Again, do not adopt affirmations from other people. Those are for other people. You've got to get really real with your life and what you need to level up and feel really powerful about. So I want you to make these affirmations super personal to your life and. And then start regularly sharing them with yourself. Right. When shame shows up, we have to talk back to it. Right. I think sometimes we are raised to think that we can't talk back to other things or other people. We've got to let that go. And for every negative thought that we're having, we have to talk back to it. We have to be disrespectful to those voices in our head. It's the only time that I think we. I will say that. Right? Be disrespectful to that. That thing. Yeah. Definitely don't believe it. All right. And then the last thing that I will talk about is really opening up to a loved one. It's okay to ask for help when you need it, but I want you to be super clear with them so that they can support you in a way that feels good to you. Okay. So now I want to talk a little bit about some affirmations that I want to offer to you as inspiration. Right. I'm giving you these affirmations because I want them to inspire you to think about what sort of things that you may want to tell yourself as you are leveling up and healing in this part of your life. Okay. So some affirmations for you to think about as we start to heal this shame wound is I'm letting go of my shame, or.

I'm able to give and receive love.

Or I'm worthy of love and acceptance exactly as I am.

All right, my loves. Good. I hope that this kind of summary of all of these wounds was super helpful for you. We had our abandonment wound. We had our trust wound. We had our neglect wound. We had our guilt wound, and we had our shame wound. Please let me know exactly which wound really resonated with you and what things you are going to do to start to heal them. You can always DM me at getyourguycoaching or send me an email@anwargetyourguycoaching.com I hope that this was helpful. I'm sharing these things because I don't think in our community we are taught. We are taught about these certain things to help you heal. And I like I said before, I'm committed to your healing and making sure that you have the awareness to even start this journey. All right, my loves, be well and I will talk with you soon. Bye now.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.