Online Dating for The Smart and Successful Woman Webinar Interview

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves. Thank you so much for joining me for season two. I like to start off my podcast seasons with some webinars that I do and this webinar I did with Grid Partners 202 where I was talking about all things online dating as well as how to really date in Covid times. And now this webinar took place in mid to late January and right now we are basically late April, early May, and things are starting to open up. Right. And so I will just preface this session by saying that as things open up, I want to make sure that you're being cautious in how you interact with men during the summer of 2021. Why do I say this? I say this because they've been locked up for a while and they are feeling very animalistic, let's say, about how they want to be interacting with women. Which means that I still want you to be taking your time during this courtship phase and really getting to know them before you go out on a physical date with them. Okay, I hope that's really helpful. Now, without further ado, I want to introduce to you my webinar for Grid202 partners online dating 2021. Much love smooches.

Good evening everyone. Thank you so much for joining me today with Anwar White of Get your Guy Coaching to talk about dating for smart and successful women. My name is Camila McDonough. I am the president and partner and a financial advisor with Grid202 Partners. We are a black owned and black owned and women owned full service financial advisory firm. We have advisors located in Washington, DC, North Carolina, Colorado. And I'm speaking with you today from Atlanta, Georgia. So why is Grid 202 partners talking about dating? That's probably the number one question I always get right. Well, we are a holistic planning firm. And for us, having a quality and fulfilling life is not always about financial wellness. It's about personal wellness. And we believe that partnering up, having someone to share your goals with, your financial goals with, to support each other, to comfort each other during good times and bad times is critically important. It creates successful outcomes and so that's why we spend time talking about items other than just your retirement projection. And who better than Anwar White to talk about how you can get your guy? So thank you for being with us this evening, Anwar.

Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be here.

So I'd be remiss not to say that this is the second event we've done with anwr. And I'm going to give a little testimonial here. So ANWR joined us in June of 2020. Right. We were about three months into the pandemic. And if you were single, you realize how single you were by June. Yes, ma'.

Am.

There was no vacations, there was no parties. We were all home. You know, we were running out of things to watch on Netflix pretty quickly. And so we invited Anwar to do the session in June. And I like you, I was like, you know what? I probably should be listening to what Anwar is talking about. So I took copious notes. I listened to everything he said. And Anwar. So our event was on a Thursday night just like this. I talked to my girlfriends about it Friday. I was like, you know, I did the session and he was really helpful and I didn't have that perspective. And a friend of mine had found her boyfriend on Bumblebee. They're now engaged. Sasha got engaged two weeks ago too. So it worked for her. But I was like, I need to get on Bumble. So my girlfriends, virtually, we all got my Bumble profile together, right? I loaded it on Saturday and started talking and finding people. And I actually connected with my now boyfriend on Bumble that Tuesday. And it's been almost seven months we've been seeing each other.

And.

Testimony that Sue Anwar's guidance and first date and first conversations. He's 110% on point. @ one point. You probably should meet him so he can thank you.

All the things that you gave us guidance on. And he was like, he is 110% accurate and true. So with that, ladies, make sure you have a notepad ready. Anwar is going to provide a lot of great guidance this evening about how to get your guy, even during a pandemic. So without further ado, I'm handing this over to.

Anwar. Thank you so much. I appreciate that testimonial. I think it's amazing and it makes me so happy because I do love love. And that's why I do what I do. So as Camilla had said, my name is Anwar White and I am the CEO and founder of get yout Guy Coaching. And what I do Is I really help women heal their hearts and date effectively and obviously get their guy. So I have been doing this for a long, long, long, long time. In terms of how I got started, I. I guess you could say that I got started even in elementary school, helping the boys talk to the girls and the girls talk to the boys. I know it may not seem like that, but I'm actually like, a huge jock. My father was maybe a little bit scared of his very feminine son, and so he put him into all of these different sports. And so on the playground, I would be balling with the boys, and then I would double Dutch with the girls. So I was just in between all of these different circles and understanding a variety of different environments and different genders. And so I think it's a huge, unique strength of mine to be able to understand a variety of different perspectives as it relates to romantic relationships. So in terms of this work, this work is super personal to me. I mean, when I think about my own family, I'm thinking about, you know, my great grandmother who was married three times, my grandmother who was married three times, my mom, that was married three times. I am really focused on. On helping women of color, specifically black women, really, really get their guy and find the love that they so need and deserve, right? And so I love what I do. And for me, I always think that there's so much work to do out there, good work to do. I mean, when I look at the statistics, 29% of black women are married right now, versus 50% of white women. A third of black women will never be married versus 10% of white women. So for me, I'm motivated by that. I want to cut that disparity, and I wanna really make it happen for my lovely black queens who have always been there for me my entire life, from my great grandmother cooking breakfast and ironing and waking up at five in the morning because she used to work for white families, to the girls in junior high who used to protect me from the bullies, to my classmates in business school who just inspired me and helped me in terms of leadership and inspiration. And so, yeah, I mean, that's really kind of how I got started. I went to business school at Columbia, and all of my girlfriend, we all graduated, and all of my girlfriends, who are amazing, beautiful, smart, were not finding love. They were having a lot of difficulty. And I was. I was a certified life coach and relationship coach at that time. And I was like, girl, I'm just going to kind of take over your love life. So we're going to make it work. I'm going to get you on these apps. I'm going to help you in terms of understanding men and understanding what they mean and what they say and anything and everything in between that so that you can get your guy. And then before I knew it, they were all getting boyfriends and all getting married. And it's been kind of a wrap ever since. And so I have been doing this for close to eight years now. Eight to nine years. And I love what I do. In terms of my results, roughly 90% of the women that I work with are in healthy, exclusive, long term relationships within three to six months of working with me. Roughly 2/3 of the women that I work with are either married or engaged for by the two year mark. So I love results. I love, love. And yeah, let's get.

Started. And one thing I want to share is this is an investment in yourself, right? So the same way that you invest in going to the gym or your clothes or your hair, investing in a fruitful partnership is critically important as well. We're going to make this really interactive. So if you have any questions, please feel free to use the Q and A in the bottom and we'll be sure to address your questions during this presentation. And of course, we are recording this, so I'm sure there are some of your friends that you think that should be listening to this too. We'll be sure to send you the recording for future review. All right, so the big thing right now, Anwar, is we are in a pandemic.

Right? Yes, we.

Are. There's no big happy hours happening right now, you know, very little parties. What are your thoughts? What are the best ways smart and successful women can engage with potential partners during a.

Pandemic? Yeah, I think that's a great question. Obviously it is up to you. I'm never one to force someone to start dating if you're not ready. Like, one thing that I know about this work is that you have to put 100% of yourself into this love game if you want to be successful in it. You can't be half stepping. You can't be just giving me certain facades. You need to be your whole and authentic self the entire time. So if you don't feel like you can do that or if you are not ready to do that, then definitely do not date. I know that sounds weird coming from a dating coach, but I always want to keep it real with you all. Okay. In terms of, you know, dating in a pandemic, I want to step back a second Because I think it's important to realize that this is, like, an amazing time to actually start dating. One, because it's January and it's a new year, and 2020 was hell on earth for so many people. So 2021, I'm calling it 2020 fun. In January, it about reset, recalibrate. And so there are so many people that are going to be prioritizing their love and their love life, and so they're going to have a ton of people on the apps, and so you're just going to have a greater environment to actually choose from. So I do want to invite you just like I invite all of my clients to actually be online, to go out on some of these apps and to really, you know, have fun. That's what this is really all about more than anything else. Right. The other thing that I want to kind of offer to you is that because it's a pandemic, it slows down the courtship phase, right? So before, maybe you've known this in your experiences or not, but men want to just have things super quick, right? If you're engaging with them, they want your number immediately. They want to hang out immediately. And because of this pandemic, they obviously have to be respectful in terms of how you're feeling and your comfortability level with this pandemic going on. So it just slows things down naturally. I mean, ultimately, how I think about this and courtship is like, you know, women are looking for love and have sex along the way, and men are looking for sex and find love along the way. So because of this pandemic, it's slowing things down so that people can actually get to know each other a little bit better and deeper. And so that's really exciting, right? And we were all having almost, like, existential crises here about our lives, about our legacy, about our mortality. And it's the same for men as well, right? And a lot of them were really lonely and realizing that they don't want to die like this. They want to live with someone and have that partnership and that connection. Right. And so I just think, like, collectively, men are thinking about love and relationships a little bit differently right now, and it's such an opportune time to just really be engaging and putting yourself out there. Right. I mean, these men can only, you know, play video games, and, you know, I'm going to keep it real with you, watch porn for so long before it gets super boring.

Right? So that's why I think, you know, dating and Covid is, like, so amazing. And my Clients are really killing it right now. Like, I just got a text message from my client. She's going on three or four dates. She lives in Miami, and she's, like, having so much fun for, like, the first time in her life. Because I think a lot of us, if you're smart and successful, have not really focused on your love life a lot, right. You have been getting the good grades at school, going to a great university or college, getting those good grades there, and then leaning into your work and just kind of avoiding or ignoring this part, thinking that at some point it'll just happen and I will be found and that will be it. And I just want to let you know and offer to you that I don't want you to be found, and I don't want you to be chosen, and I want you to do the choosing right. I want you to have the power to decide who is going to be able to engage with you or not. Okay? So, yeah, that's how I feel about dating in Covid. I'm a huge fan of it. I want all of my clients, and I want all of you to be online. And for when things open up, I think sometimes we feel super. I want to say complimented or feeling good about ourselves if men are approaching us and asking us for our numbers. And so when things open up and that happens, I usually tell my clients, So I want to offer this to you as well, that I don't want you to give your number out to men. And just FYI, whatever you want to take from this webinar, great. If there are some things that you don't want to take from it, great as well. But here's why I'm saying this, because the men that are asking for your number are also asking for numbers of every other woman that they meet every day. Right. And if they're getting five numbers a day, in a week, they're going to have 35 numbers, and you're going to be one of many. And they'll just go down the line. Right. And then they'll engage that way. So when you're engaging with someone and a guy asks for your number, just let him know, I don't really give my number out like that, but I'll take yours. And if this conversation is amazing, I will definitely reach out to you.

Right. I love.

That.

Yeah. So I did want to, you know, just co sign on Anwar's comment about working. That was me, right? We were talking is I dug myself into work, and work was what I did all the time. And I Thought someone's gonna ring my doorbell and eventually they would arrive and that's not gonna happen. So he's right about taking, you know, really active and proactive steps. I do want to answer one of the questions we did get about is this session for younger women. What about if I'm divorced? I'll share that. I'm actually divorced. I'm a little bit older than I think I may look. I'm in my early 40s. And so this session, it is really applicable for those who were married or divorced or widowed. And I even say it's a little bit different for us because we've been there before and we come at it with a different perspective. And one thing I will say, if anyone's been divorced is you come out knowing yourself a lot more. It's a learning experience of not knowing what you want and what you don't want and a shifting sometimes in the priorities that you're looking for in a future partner. So I will co sign that ANWR definitely is not just for, you know, someone who's 23 looking to find a high value man. And that's the new word right now. High value.

Man. Yes, girl. It's all up and down clubhouse. I generally work with women that are between the ages of 30 and 50. I think it's a different mentality. I actually just spoke with someone that's 25, but that would be my youngest client. Generally I work from 30 to.

50. Yeah.

Great. So if you are in that age group, then I'm talking to you.

Specifically. And so because of just the current situation, a lot of us are finding someone on dating sites. And I know as long we talked, there's a plethora of dating sites out there. Can you just share a little bit about your thoughts of those dating sites, who you prefer and what we should be doing to best position ourselves for success? It isn't about who you catch, it's who you want to keep. So I know that it's hard for women to put together profiles like, am I showing too much? Am I doing too much? What are your thoughts.

Amar? I love this question and I get this question a lot, like, what's the best app? What should I be on? And for me, it's like, I have my preferences, but it's gonna be different for everyone. So it's like going to the gym. It's all about what you make of it. Right? If you're working the weights, if you're on the treadmill, then you're going to get great results. It doesn't matter what gym you go to. Right. So it's the same for these dating apps as well. In terms of what I'm a fan of, I'm a fan of Match and I know people are like, that's so old school and all of that. I think it's great. From my experience, the people on Match are very serious. And if your goal is to be dating and to have a boyfriend and to get married, then, yes, Match is going to be a really great opportunity and experience for you. Right. Tons of people. And also there's a paywall there. So the people that are on Match are going to be paying, which means that they're just naturally going to be more serious. And that's what I tell my clients to go on. My second favorite would be Hinge. Hinge is, I would say, a little bit younger. But the people on Hinge, I think are very, in general, high quality, are high value overall, and they want to date. Right. I think for me, I always think Matches people who want to date and get married. Hinge is definitely for people that want to date. And obviously dating leads to marriage, so they have success there as well. In third place, a distant third, I would say OkCupid. And I say that for the more cerebral types that are interested in Long Winded and have a lot of thoughts and opinions and don't mind answering all of the different questions that are available with OkCupid. So those are my top three. I'm not a huge fan of Tinder. It's a hookup site and that's what you want to do. That's great. My clients are looking to get a ring.

So Tinder is not going to help you a lot with that. Plenty of fish. The same generally, here, there, everywhere. Lots of flakes, losers, pervs, the whole works. Bumble, I'm not a huge fan of. I know that you were on it, girl, but it's because I don't like that the women have to make the first move. I want men to be investing in you, right? And what that means is that I want them to take the initiative. I want them to let you know that they're interested. And because of the nature of the engagement, what happens is that it attracts a lot of lazier men and a lot of toxic and narcissistic men that feel entitled and feel like they're just going to wait and sit and all of these girls are going to be on their job. And so that's why I'm not a huge fan of Bumble. Now for some of my clients that are not used to dating and not used to engaging, sometimes I will have some of my clients go onto Bumble just so that they can get used to, like, putting themselves out there and reaching out without any sort of mind trash or mind drama about what's going to happen back. Just the exercise more than anything else. So those are my feelings about the.

Apps. What about Black People Meet? Someone has asked a question about that.

Site. Yeah. I put it as, like. Like, it's okay, but I haven't gotten a lot of really great success with my clients on it, you know, And I think it varies from, like, Metro City to Metro City, like, the quality of men on there. So that. That's why I'm, like, not a huge fan of it. Texas is, like, really good for that app. I don't know what it is, but, like, Dallas and Houston, they really come through with that app and that site. But it depends on city by city. And that's one of the things that I do with my clients. Right? It depends on the region. It depends on if you have kids or not. If you're divorced. It depends on what age you're at in terms of where I place them to get the most effective results. Okay. Okay. In terms of profile pics, I think it's important to just have, like, one travel pic. I know a lot of women out there that have a ton of travel pics that in Bali and China and all of that other stuff. And I'm like, girl, just one, right? I want those pics to represent your life, right? In all aspects of it. Your hobbies. I want you to have one at home on your sofa, just chilling, right. This is really an opportunity for the man to envision himself fitting into your life right through these digital assets. And so you want to give him a good sense of what that looks like professionally. If you like to go to the ballet or the museum or go out to restaurants, those kinds of picks, Right? That's really important. One thing that I like to tell my clients, and I want to share with you all, too, is, like, when you're out and about and you're feeling yourself, or even if you're home right now and you're feeling yourself and you've dressed up, girl, take some pictures, right? And bag them for later on so that you can continue to kind of trade in and out these pictures. Okay. Because I think it's really important, and I tell my clients that you should be changing your pictures up every month, even if it's, like changing the actual order of them, but changing them up so that you become fresh. Right? The last thing that you want to do is be stale on a dating app. So change those pictures every month, and you'll get a whole new flood of men coming up and, you know, checking you out. So that's how I feel about pics in terms of profiles, because I know a lot of women ask about, like, what should I be putting on my profiles? I don't know how to write them, and all of this stuff. And so it's interesting, A lot of the women that I work with and let me know out there if you've done this as well, is you lead with your accomplishments and what you've done and what you do and all of that. Girl, these men don't care about your accomplishments, and that is no shade to your accomplishments. They want to feel good around you. Right. Ultimately, at the end of the day, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just trying to spill all the tea that I can.

So in saying that, I think it's important to really understand who you are and what you like. I think we all have an interesting sense of who we are. But I always tell my clients, ask yourself these questions, right? What makes you special? What makes you unique? What makes you confident? And then ask two of your girlfriends those questions about yourself, and ask two of your male friends that question about yourself. Pretty sure you're going to get different answers all the way around. All of those things should be in your profile. Men are going to look at you differently, just like women are going to look at you differently. But all of them have some truth to them. So I want you to be combining all of those things in your profile. Another thing that I see in profiles is that it's very fourth grade, but, like, every sentence starts with I, right? And it signals that, like, I'm really into myself. And so change that up as well, right? People say that I am da da da da da da. Right? My friends would describe me as da da da da da da da. So that is another thing that I see a lot as well. I think that's really important. The other thing that I'd like to do, too, when clients first come to me, I have to redo their entire profile. And one thing that I like to do is include questions in the profile, right? You want to grasp the reader to have them actually answer any of the questions that you have going on. So if you're like, hey, I live in Atlanta, and I love wine bars and brunch spots, Those are my favorite places to go, girl. Then ask him also, like, where are your favorite places in Atlanta to go? Right. Let him engage with your profile a little bit. So you should be asking questions in there as well. And then finally changing up the profile pic on your profile. You want to be also, like changing the locations as well, you know, every couple of months just so that you're getting a new fresh set of people. Even if your radius is pretty large, the algorithm on dating apps is such that they will still show you different people even if you put yourself, let's say, 20 miles away. Right. So you want to kind of do that as well.

Yeah. Awesome. Thank you. And what he's saying is 100% true about accomplishments are great, but don't lead with.

Them.

Yeah. And that's no shade because you worked hard for them. Right. And I understand that and I get that. I'm just saying that that is not something that going to help you win in this love game. That's the difference between being professionally successful and romantically unsuccessful. Because if you're leading with that, that's going to work well for you in the professional realm. But if you're leading with that in the romantic realm, men don't really care as much. It doesn't make them feel great and they just want to feel good around.

You.

Exactly. Ultimately.

Yeah. And because a lot of us are so professionally minded, oriented. I remember when I was first single, I wrote down a list. Anwar. I had a.

List. And I think my list, I think all women.

Do. I think like 18 or 19 things I had written down, like, now that I'm single, these are the things that I'm looking for and these are my requirements. What are your thoughts about this list and how does it hurt or help us in.

Dating? I think it's really interesting because I think we all come up with a list in our head, whether that is starting in high school or junior high or just watching movies and thinking about what that ideal guy should be for you. And one of the things that I want to offer to you all is that I've been doing this for a while and what I've noticed is that love comes in a package that you're not expecting.

Always, always. So the list is great in terms of understanding, like what you want and what you don't want. But I don't want you to, like, weigh it heavily. Right. I'm not a huge fan of lists because as I said before, like, at the end of the day, if somebody is providing the needs that you Want that is going to be the most important, right? There are a lot of women out there that are focused on, well, he has to have a graduate degree and be six feet or taller or, you know, make six figures or, you know, he has to be between 30 and 40 or whatever. I think it's great if that's what you want. I'm never here to shade anybody about their preferences, but you also have to understand, I was statistics major in undergrad. That, like, that's going to cut your pool pretty small, right? There's only 13% of people that have graduate degrees. I think like 15% of people that are 6ft or taller, 9% of people that made six figures or more, roughly 40% of the population is between 30 and 50 or so. So if you put all of those together, that's going to be 0.07% of the population, right? That's your pool. And that's not even counting if that 0.07% is actually into you. Right? So your list is probably hurting you more than it's helping you. And so I want to offer to you that I want you to think about your wants and needs in a different kind of way. Right? I think it's important to have those characteristics, those 18, 19, 20 things that you have on your list, knowing full well that no one's going to check all of those boxes, knowing full well that your person is probably going to check like 13 of them, and you're going to have to be okay with that. I know that sounds really weird, but I'm saying that because I think a lot of smart and successful women are perfectionists. And it hurts you in this love game because you're looking for perfection in a man, and no one is perfect. And if he's not perfect, then you're not able to truly accept him. And ultimately, if you're not truly able to accept him, it's not going to work. Right? But the real issue that's going on here is that your perfectionism is oftentimes because you're not truly accepting yourself. And that's the work that I do with my clients to make sure that that's happening more than anything else. So in terms of what you want and what you need, I would say that it's important for you to think about some of the things that were missing in your childhood, right? So let's just step back a second and think what was something that you were yearning for that you weren't able to get while you were growing up? For me, it was A level of dependability and reliability. My father abandoned me when I was like 8 years old. And ever since then, that was something that I yearned for as a child and as an adult. And so like when my partner came and they were showing up and they were calling, when they say whether they were going to call and they were doing everything that they said that they were going to do, it was hesitant. So I want you to be thinking about what are those things that you were missing in your childhood? Because those are the things that are going to be important, right? That can be dependability, reliability. It can be unconditional love, it can be attention, prioritization. One of the things that I found a lot, especially for a lot of black women, is that oftentimes they don't feel like a priority in their household. Or also that because of the way that we're all raised, that we weren't comfortable asserting our voice. And that is something that is oftentimes very hard to find in relationships. Someone that's going to be able to respect that. And so if that is a need of yours, I want you to honor and respect that as something that you will potentially need to have in a relationship. Versus the six feet tall, versus the six figures, versus even things like funny, right? Because these are the core needs that you're going to need not just for a relationship, but for a long lasting relationship that is going to still be good and amazing 20 years down the.

Road. So we had a question of what is chemistry? How do you define chemistry and why do we have it with some and not with others? And how do you really assess? Are we good or are we not good? What is the litmus test for.

That? It's interesting. So chemistry, in my opinion, chemistry is that feeling of the butterflies in your stomach when you're like sitting across from him and you're just vibing. You're feeling what they're saying, you like their swag and they're feeling you. Because I think chemistry goes both ways, right? It's not something that like, oh, I have chemistry with him and that's it, right? It's a two way street. And chemistry happens with two people and you enjoy each other's company and they make you smile and ultimately you're feeling good about being in the other person's presence or oftentimes better about yourself. I think it's important to realize though that chemistry can also help you lose your mind.

Meaning that you might have chemistry with someone, but that doesn't mean that he's a good person.

And sometimes the chemistry blinds us to if this person is actually treating us like well or not. Right. Chemistry is not enough. I want to offer that to you and I say that with love and respect because chemistry is also biological and chemical. And chemistry fades within 18 months. So if everything you have is chemistry, then it's going to be gone in 18 months and then what do you have? Right. So I'm more focused on compatibility. Right. In terms of you think about the world in a similar way, are your values more aligned? How do you think about your future? How do you think about life? Right. All of those sorts of things. How do you feel around each other? Right. Do you feel good? But more than good, do you feel safe and secure? Which is different because you can have a chemistry with someone and not feel safe around them because you might lose your head. Right. You'll do anything with a guy that you have chemistry with. Have you ever gone on a date and you're like, oh my God, is this, this guy is so fine. He is amazing. And then at the end of the day, you may end up sleeping with him and maybe that's not your mo. But because of this chemistry, you're just feeling it, Right. And you're going against kind of your head a little bit. So I know people will always tell you like, you want to look for that chemistry. I'm not someone who thinks like that, but I think about dating in a different way and that's.

Okay. Nice. Thank you. So in terms of. To create a long term relationship, it's not chemistry, it's how do you complement each other? But one of the things that you mentioned really earlier in this conversation, being ready, being ready to date. Right. And being ready to date just requires you to be vulnerable. You have to crack that door a little bit to let someone get to know you, to open up yourself for meaningful conversation. So can you tell us a little bit more about what does that vulnerability look like and how do we assess if we're giving too much or too little? Because there is a happy medium too.

Right? Yes, yes, yes, definitely. As a woman in the relationship, I think it's important for you to realize that vulnerability is key to the connection. Right. Men are not going to just be super vulnerable with you. You actually initiate and create this pool of vulnerability for them to dive into. That's how you connect with a man through that heart space and through the vulnerability. Without that, it's going to be hard for you to connect with anyone. Right. And for smart and successful women, that is often a very Difficult task. Right. Because you're rarely vulnerable at work. Right. We think about it as a weakness, as something that's going to hinder our career trajectory. And because of that. Right. We don't want to be seen as vulnerable. We want to be seen as strong. We want to be seen as a stoic leader. And that's going to hurt you when it comes to connecting with men. And so that's what I want to offer to you all. In terms of vulnerability, in terms of how can we be vulnerable, I think it's about the simple things of allowing and accepting certain things. So, for example, asking for help, which sometimes is very hard for a lot of us to do again, because we feel like we don't want to owe anyone anything. We don't want to be seen as powerless or weak. But there's a different level of femininity that is involved in this love game that is actually a very hardcore strength. I always think of femininity and vulnerability in similar ways because vulnerability is a huge part of feminine energy. And there are three different levels of feminine energy. The first level, the lower level I'll call it, is the feminine energy that doesn't really have a lot of boundaries, is kind of clingy and needy and always calling a lot and anxious and things like that. And that's not a huge turn on for men because he doesn't want to be your entire world, and that's a lot of pressure for him. And it's. It signals not a lot of confidence. Right. And then there's kind of the second level, which is, I'm super independent. I'm going to do everything on my own, which is the case for a lot of smart and successful women, specifically black women. Maybe it's because we've seen our mothers do that. And so that's our model, and that's what we feel that we need to do. But it hurts you because oftentimes there's a lack of vulnerability there. Right. I'm not letting you into my space because I'm doing it all on my own. And that means that a man is not going to feel like there's space for him in your life and he can't do anything for you because ultimately men want to do things for you. They want to please you. Pleasing you pleases them. So if they can't do that for you, then he's going to feel inadequate. He's going to feel like, I'm not feeling good here because I can't do what I'm wired to do. And Then the third level of kind of femininity is I can do everything on my own. But I'm going to let you do these things for me. One, because it takes some things off my plate. But two, I know that it makes you feel good. And it also makes me feel good to know that someone's going to be reliable and that I can rely on somebody to do things for me. Oftentimes, I think what happens is we become independent and lack the vulnerability because the way that we've grown up, right. That we've been disappointed so many times because people have not fallen through. Right. They haven't done what they were supposed to do. And so the lack of trust is there, and trust is everything. And even dating, but obviously a relationship as well. So those different levels of femininity, I think, are really important to think about as you're thinking about vulnerability and bringing men and connecting with men, because if you don't have that, it's going to be hard for you to connect with them. Right. Like I was saying, femininity is like a strength, a huge strength. And for the women that are focused in their dominant feminine energy and want to be in their feminine energy in a relationship, you don't have to. You can be a boss at work. And being your feminine energy in a relationship, that's, you know, not, you know, hypocritical at all. People do it all the time. But in your feminine energy, I just. I want you to know that, like, feminine energy is all about feeling and really setting boundaries about what you want and what you don't want, right? So that it's a roadmap for the man to please you. Whereas masculine energy is more about, you know, thinking, doing, acting, right? Performing. One thing that I see a lot, I'm kind of going everywhere, but a lot of women that I work with are into this giving, right? I'm gonna give him these things. I'm going to do these things for him. And you're in your masculine energy, right? Giving is the masculine trait. And I know that sounds so weird because our mothers gave us so much that we thought, oh, this is what you do as a woman in a relationship and just as a woman in general. But when you're giving so much, you become their mother and not their.

Woman. I want to ask.

This. That's not.

Hot. The question asked, like, well, who pays for dates, right? So is a woman paying for the date? Like, maybe some people say, one time he pays and you Pay, and it's 50. Is a woman paying considered her Giving off masculine.

Energy. Yes, girl. Because I just said giving is a masculine trait.

Girl, he should be paying for you. He wants to do that. That makes him feel good, right? And so let him. Again, that's that third level of femininity that I was talking about, right? Versus that second middle tier, which is, I'm independent. I'm gonna do for myself.

Right? So here's the thing, right? So I'm gonna dig deep here. Dig.

Girl. I'm.

Ready. But a lot of black women make more than some black men, right? It's just the stats, right? It's just the way it is. And so if I'm used to nice wine and sea scallops, and I want, you know, nice dinners with three courses, and he does not have the financial means to provide that. Is it okay if I say, you know what? This time we'll go here, or should I go where he wants to go? That's within his economic.

Situation. Yeah, great question. So, 1. Let's step back a second. So the way that I think about dating is I want men to invest into courting you and into really showing up for you. And so what that means is that I want him to be calling you or messaging you. I want him to be taking you out and planning and initiating and all of that. And I want him to be paying, right? That is going to show me that he's invested and wants to show up for you. And then this is what I tell all my clients, right? Once they've invested in you, then I want you to make the decision of whether you're a match or not, right? Because without that investment, you have nothing. So you can love your scallops and all of that thing, but it's up to you to communicate exactly the places that you like to go and the place that you don't like to go. But ultimately, if you're in your dominant feminine energy, then I want him to be taking that initiative and taking you places. And if he's going to take you somewhere, then he better afford it. If not, then not. Look, in the courting phase, it's one thing, right? In terms of him paying for you once you're in a relationship, I think those things kind of loosen up a little bit. But when he is courting you, allow him to give you the full court press. Allow him to do all of those different things. Again, you paying. When you do that, it makes him feel like he can just be filling an empty void. He could be anybody, because you're going to go to that restaurant regardless like you're just doing you. At the end of the day, it's not about him and you, it's just about you being at this restaurant and I'm going to pay for my own stuff and all of that. So that's why I have the opinion that I have about that. So let him court you in the courtship phase. Once you guys are actually in an exclusive relationship or seriously dating, then I feel like those things can loosen up a little bit.

More. So thinking about dating today, right? And the rules, and I feel like the rules are always changing. Even me, like I woke up, I was like, wait a second, I'm single now. Things are way different than they used to be. Right. So in terms of women want relationships, Right. You mentioned this earlier. So a woman is looking for a relationship and through that has sex, whereas the man is looking for sex and with, with that he gets a relationship. Right. How do we as women define like we're looking for a relationship but not be like the first date doing too much feeling that you know we're trying to get married next week? Right. How do you appropriately mention your desires for a long term partnership without wasting too much time with.

Someone? Yeah. So the thing that is really interesting about dating is that you're not going to know everything about everyone at the very beginning. And I think people want to rush the process and that's not really how it goes. I tell my clients that I just want you to be having fun for the first couple of days. I don't want us to be talking about the future. And do you want kids? Do you want all of that? Because what I've learned is that if you love someone so much, let's say six months down the line, you're gonna be more open to a variety of different things that maybe you were not open to previously, right. And so ultimately I want you to have fun, joke, laugh, feel good, feel safe, secure. Those are the things that I want you to be focusing on in the first couple of days. Some to like date three or so, right. That I want you to be talking about some of these more deeper, longer term questions. Because ultimately, if you can't have fun with them, girl, it's not going to happen. Right? Again, let's have this long term perspective here. 20 years from now, when we're a little bit more wrinkled, right? When we are not moving as fast, that is going to be very important. Can we vibe? Right? Can we talk? Can we have have fun more than anything else, it doesn't matter if you guys both want to buy an extra, you know, investment.

Property.

Definitely. And so even with one of the questions I've heard is even sex, that was a question we had our last session. Right. So use this COVID 19 environment where there's delayed meetings face to face. So what are your thoughts there, Anwar, about sex? Like in terms of how do you manage that push and pull tension that often comes in that dating.

Game? Yeah, I think it's really interesting and I actually have conversations with different clients because they're in different stages of the love game. It's going to be important in this environment to have a clear conversation about your boundaries as it relates to Covid and what you need to feel safe and secure. And I don't want you to feel shy about saying those things because you can't say the wrong thing to the right.

Man.

Right. Your future husband is going to want to make you feel comfortable at all costs. And if there's something that is not making you comfortable, let's say you're not ready to kiss, you're not ready to be indoors with him. Right. You're going to need to communicate that. And sometimes that's really difficult to do if you're not used to setting boundaries like that. Right. Sometimes we have this scarcity mindset where it's like, oh, because I'm engaging with somebody, I don't want to mess it up, I don't want to ruin it because I don't think that another man's going to come into my life. So I'm just going to kind of go with the flow and I'll of that. No, you need to let him know what you're comfortable with, what you're not comfortable with. That is the power of your feminine energy. Right. And so that conversation is like really important. And then also asking him where he's at when it comes to his comfortability level with COVID Right. In terms of sex, you know how I feel about sex. I'm a huge proponent of not having sex until exclusivity. Right. Obviously y' all are grown ass women, so you are going to do what you want to do. And I'm not here to police your bodies or your life or anything that like like that. And I empower you to do whatever you feel. But if you are interested in a long term relationship, at least I tell my clients that I encourage you to not have sex until exclusivity because a couple of reasons. One, however archaic it sounds, he's going to respect you more. He's not going to feel like he's just anybody. He's going to feel special, he's going to feel unique. Right. And also, however, however this sounds, it will help him get to the exclusivity, if that is your goal. Right. It will encourage him to not think of you as, I like hanging out with this girl. Now, the question is framed as, do I want to be exclusive with her or not? Right. And that's really important because you could be in hangout mode for a very long time. Right. It was interesting that you had pointed out that you were thinking about asking these questions early on in some of these dates. Right. And women go there on even the first date. You're like, oh, my God, I really like this guy. Like, I could marry him. Like, I want to wear this dress and he's going to look good in his text and da, da, da, da, Right? Men are not even thinking about that. They're not even thinking about whether they want you to be their girlfriend at least until like, date six or date eight. So understand the different timelines between women and men, I think is really important as well. And so that's why I also encourage kind of sex after exclusivity. Also, because if you have sex with a man, tons of serotonin come out and you become chemically bonded to him because your body is going to feel good around him because of the sexual act during and after. Right. I'm sure we all have our girlfriends who has been with that guy that is no good. But the sex is amazing and they're just hooked on it. Right. She's chemically bonded to him because she has had sex with him. Right. And so also the sex after exclusivity is also to protect you from.

That. Got it. Thank you. So you have about five more minutes left. I know you ladies have some questions, so please feel free to utilize the Q and A function to ask any questions you have right now for Anwar. So the earlier question we had about how men should pay, she said that, sorry, I've experienced a man who wants the woman to.

Pay. Then he's not for you.

No. He's showing you who he is. Right. If you're going to pay on that date, then you're going to be paying for the rest of the engagement or interaction with him. And I'm pretty sure that's not what you.

Want. Any other questions? Awesome. So, Anwar, thank you so much. As I mentioned earlier in this conversation, we're going to send out this recommendation recording copious notes, and we'll also include the link tomorrow of how they can get in contact with you to set up a consultation and they can experience that success rate, would you say 90% long term within two years of a partnership marriage, whatever it may be, engagement. I think this is important for us. I know that a lot of us continually to invest in your retirement and your 401k and your IRA. I agree with that. But also investing invest in yourself and invest in your happiness and part of that is having a fruitful and positive and fulfilling long term relationship. So we'll include the link for them to get in contact with you and if you have no further questions, thank you so much for joining us this evening and we really appreciate you being.

Here. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it and I'll just say if you are interested in getting in contact with me, please reach out at www.getyourguycoaching.

And we can talk all about your love life. Great fun and super.

Informative. Thank you. You ladies have a wonderful evening and we'll be in touch.

Soon.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.