Perfectionism

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves. Thank you so much for joining me today. And today I want to talk about perfectionism. The reason why I want to talk about this is because so many of my clients are always striving for perfection. And I see it a lot with not just my clients, but for so many people out there. Those smart, successful, ambitious people who want the most ideal life that they can have. And they've been operating in this level of perfectionism, or at least striving for it for a very long time. And I want to talk about how that affects your dating and relationship life. So before I go into that, though, I want to just define what perfectionism is, right? And perfectionism is really about and involves the relentless striving for extremely high standards, as well as judging oneself and one's self worth based largely on one's ability to strive for and achieve these unrelenting standards. Does that sound like you, girl? You know that despite the regular negative consequences involved in sticking to these impossible, demanding standards, you continue to go for them, even at a cost. I know that was for me. I know that I was a huge, huge, huge perfectionist. And it wasn't until I actually got into a relationship and had kids where I was able to just calm the fuck down and realize that not everything was going to be perfect. So why do we want to be perfect? What drives us to get there? Ultimately, I think it's a couple of things. One, if you come from a marginalized community, you're a minority or you're lgbt, there are so many messages out there saying that you are not enough, that you are not lovable just as you are, that you have to work harder to be seen as equal. That the things that you were born with are detriments and not strengths to you as a person. So we overcompensate, and we do that through perfectionism. What does that look like? That looks like getting the best grades, doing the best community service, having the best job, nice clothes, great cars, a nice home, nice neighborhood, impressive friends. Here's the thing, girl. That's not going to help you in your love life. That's not going to help you enter into and sustain an amazing, healthy relationship. Being in love in a relationship is not about having to prove yourself, which is exactly what perfectionism is all about. It's about just being right. And that's why I say perfectionism hinders your love goals. How does it hinder your love goals? Well, I think oftentimes so many people have this idea of the perfect person or the one true love. But I think that that can be really dangerous to think that someone that you're dating is perfect or that you're perfect. I think it's great to think that your partner is the bee's knees and can do no wrong in your eyes. But putting someone on a pedestal is never going to work out the way that you want. Just like putting yourself on a pedestal is not going to work out the way that you want, mainly because it's a bad idea, Right? No one is perfect. Just like you don't want to go around dating people who don't meet your personal standards of excellence, you also don't want to go through your dating life assuming that everyone you fall for is a freaking superhero. It's like setting yourself up for a trap, right? And here's why. I don't want you to think that your significant other is perfect or has to be perfect or that you have to be perfect. When you do that, you're not able to really see the real them, and vice versa, they're not able to see the real you. Now, like I was saying before, no one is perfect, which means that the person you're dating and you are not the first perfect person in history. And if you make it known that you think that your partner is a dream, they might be scared to open up to you about some of their not so perfect stuff, which can obviously put a damper and an emotional strain on your relationship. So you have to give them some room to be human. Now, let's flip that, because I know I got a lot of Ms. Perfects out there. Talk to me about your willingness to open up about the not so perfect stuff in your life. Pretty sure you're not doing that as much as you probably should. And it's because of this perfectionism and why that's hindering you from doing that. When you don't share all of yourself, you lessen the connection that you're going to have with another person. And those are just facts, girl. Here's another reason how perfectionism can hinder your love life. You set them up for disappointment. Ultimately, your Dream partner is going to mess up. Maybe it's going to be a small thing, like forgetting your favorite dessert, or maybe it's going to be a big thing, like straight up lying to you about something pretty major. The point is, if you put someone on a pedestal, it's going to make it much harder to put yourself and your relationship back together when they fall. And again, the reverse is the truth as well. If you're maintaining this perfect facade and you mess up, which you will, it's going to be overly devastating for that other person because it's going to be so off brand, right? Here's the thing. Both partners are equal. No one should have a pedestal above anyone else. And if your person is coming correct and coming honestly, authentically and human, good, bad and ugly, and you are just trying to keep it super cute all the time, you're going to be putting yourself on a pedestal and therefore putting them down or making them feel not so great about themselves. I just want these men to be loving and appreciating you for the amazing human that you are. In relationship, both parties get to be the heroes, not just one, which may feel really different because you're probably used to saving your friends, your company, your family from whatever shit that they get themselves into. In a healthy relationship, you both get to be the hero. Which means that you gotta take your pedestal down a bit to an equal level of your partners. Like I was saying before with this pedestal stuff, right? It's a lot of pressure to be perfect. And I can only think about TV because I'm a huge TV addict. And I think about all of these different, you know, TV parents that themselves through the wringer with expectations of perfection. I don't know if you guys ever watch Gossip Girl, but the person that's coming to mind is Nate Archibald, right? Whose parents had his whole life planned out for him and how he had to do X, Y and Z and he rebelled and he hated it, right? The more that you point out how perfect someone is or could be, the more you might make them notice their less than desirable traits. I know that sounds super counterintuitive, but it's true. Think about a time when someone was like, oh, my God, you are the absolute best in this. You are perfect. You can't do anything wrong in this area. The first thing that you think about is, okay, thanks, girl. But the second thing that you might think about is, I don't know if that's 100% true. I don't know if I can, like, trust these words because Here are five different reasons why I'm not perfect at this thing. Ultimately, you're going to get a sense, or your partner may get a sense and feel like they can't live up to the expectations. And that's a terrible way to make someone feel or to feel yourself, even if it's done by accident. When I think about people assigning this perfect label to their partner, what I think about is what happens when they break up. Look, some of us romanticize our relationships in a way that makes it hard for us to see how crappy someone actually is treating us right, and that you all probably weren't the greatest fit. This happens more often than you could probably imagine. When you go into a situation or relationship thinking you found your one and only soulmate and the relationship ends, it can be hard to find someone who will fill the void because no one will live up to this idealized version of your partner that lives in your mind. It makes those transitions so much harder because we have to replace the perfect. The other thing that I want to offer to you is I don't think we understand how much fun it is to love someone's imperfections. I mean, who knows what true love really means? Honestly, I think we're constantly working it out, but we have a sense that it has something to do with seeing a person for who they truly are. The less than perfect qualities that they have. Loving someone because they're not perfect but who are trying to do their best in life can feel so much more authentic than just, like, glossing over things. You want someone to love you for all of your quirks and flaws, right? Which means that we got to do the same for other people. Now, I want to talk a little bit about how perfectionism affects the way that we act in relationships. What I know is that there are a couple of ways that perfect polys, as I call them, show up in relationships. They can be indecisive, they can need a lot of reassurance, they can have control issues, and they can be judgmental. Now, if any of the things that I just said hit you in a certain tender place, girl, I'm not trying to come for you. I want us to acknowledge what's going on so that we can turn this around so that you can get your guy. You'll notice that the name of this podcast and my program is called get your guy because I truly believe that there's no perfect guy. There's a guy that's for you, that's going to support you, show up for you, and make you feel a certain kind of way, safe, secure, heard, understood. And that is what I'm focused on. Not the perfect guy, because there is no such thing. Alright, so let's talk about some of these ways that we can interact in relationships. The first part is this notion of indecision, right? If you have some issues with making decisions, it's probably because you want to make the most perfect decision. And oftentimes that means having all of the information. But in real life, we never have all of the information. So there's always going to be this notion or this feeling like, is my decision going to be the best one? Right. Is this decision going to set me up for success in the future? What I know about being a woman in a female male relationship or inhabiting a dominant feminine energy, is that your ability to make decisions about how you feel and what you want is paramount. It's everything. And if you can't make those decisions, especially as it relates to the relationship and the pace of it and where you want it to go, you're going to have a hard time progressing any sort of relationship. The next thing I want to talk about is reassurance. Oftentimes when you're used to being told that you're doing a great job, you get used to that reassurance that you're perfect, that you're great. Right. And that translates over to your relationships as well. That you're constantly needing this relief from anxiety and it reinforces this faulty belief that you can't make your own decisions, that you're always going to need someone else to get you to that level of perfectionist feeling. It's horrible to feel like you don't have your own power in that regard. Right. That's what perfectionism brings to you. What did that look like for me? So in the first year of my relationship with my now partner, we had moved in together and for the first couple of months, every day I would just ask him, are you okay? Are you happy? Is there anything I can do? Literally, I'm not exaggerating, like every day because I needed that reassurance. I needed to feel like everything was perfect. And it never is perfect. There were times where he was homesick, there were times where I needed my space. There were times where we were just not communicating well. There were times that we were just tired. Right? It's not going to be perfect. And reassurance doesn't help you while you're trying to be perfect. But unfortunately it comes with this level of perfectionism. The other thing that I See, a lot with perfect polys out there is the control issues that I have to make other people do certain things so that they can be perfect just like me. Right? But relationships are not about controlling the other person. It's about observing how they show up, how they navigate this world, and making a conscious choice to accept them for how they do that. Right. It's not about changing them. Now, obviously, we can communicate how we feel based on their behaviors, their words, how they communicate, and they can make the decision whether they want to make changes or not. But ultimately, we cannot control other people. I will speak for myself again, because, girl, I'm an expert in all these things. Perfection. Not that I am perfect, but I've tried to be perfect for so long, and it's just gotten super exhausting. So in terms of my control issues, or the ones that I used to have, at least, I think that early in my relationship, I had an issue with the size of my partner. He's shorter, he's rounder, and I was always tall. I'm 6 2ish. I was in really good shape. Although this pandemic has given me some curves. I was working out, playing basketball and tennis multiple times a week. And I did this thing called AIDS life cycle, riding a bike from San Francisco, go to Los Angeles. So doing those sorts of things to make sure that this body was snatched and tight. So I felt like my partner needed to do the same because obviously, when you're associated with me, you represent my brand. And so this is where the control issues can come in in terms of your love life and relationship life. So I was trying to control the way that he ate. I was trying to make him work out with me. I right to come up with this idealized version of what this thing should look like or what it should be. It wasn't him. He didn't like it. He likes to eat chips after dinner. He hates working out. That's not him. I had to learn to fully accept him how he was. What that also meant was that I had to fully accept the person who I was. Not the perfect, idealized version that I was trying to represent to the outside world, but except the parts of my body that I didn't like, except my acne, scarred face. Right. All of those different body issues that I had that I was projecting onto him didn't work. Wasn't cute, that I had to keep it 100% real with myself. And so if you're listening to this, I want to challenge you to do the exact same, especially if you Are dating, Want to date, talking to people. I want you to check those things, the things that are on your checklist that you feel people have to have. Girl, do you have them? Do you really have them? That's what I want to ask you. What does it really mean if they don't have them? Does it mean that this person can't make you happy? I don't think so. Right. And then finally, judgment. I talked a little bit about this because in my control issues, I was also judging my partner. There are so many times when I'm talking to my clients and even women that slide in my DMs, asking for advice about how they are judging the men that they're talking to. Instead of just observing how this person is living their life and making decisions about whether you can live a life like that. Right. With that person or not. Your job is not to judge. We have so many other judgers out there. We don't need another one. Your job is just to observe and see if this is someone that you think that you can be compatible with. If you find yourself arguing or trying to defend a point while you're dating someone, not the greatest approach. Observe how they think about things. If you're curious about them, ask more questions about how they're thinking about things. Your job's not to challenge them, to try to make them think about another way. That's where we get into the control issues. Your job is just to observe, not judge. Okay, so I know you're like, anwar, girl, how can we get over this perfectionist thing? Well, I think that this perfectionism probably has served an important part of your life because it's helped you continue to strive more and more. But I don't want us to be perfect. Instead of perfectionism, I want us to strive for excellence. Now, while perfectionism relates to setting extremely high standards and having unrealistic expectations of yourself and of your partner, while also being displeased with anything else, excellence is different. Excellence relates to being extremely good and competent at whatever we set out to learn or do. Excellence is about being the best that you can be and continually improving and learning to reach higher levels of performance. It means growing as a person and as a couple in a relationship. Excellent people, partners and couples celebrate their successes and acknowledge themselves before setting their next achievable goal. This acknowledgement in turn, breeds more success. We all have the potential to excel by accessing more of our infinite inherent energy, beauty, intelligence, all of that stuff. And I want us to tap into that. We can turn perfectionism into excellence and our happiness and success in our relationship with our partner will improve significantly. Lastly, I want to leave you with this policy at Microsoft where if a product is 80% complete, it's ready to launch. This policy is built on the principle that at 80% it is workable and can be improved into a better system over time. May have heard of this 8020 rule and you probably even successfully applied it to your life. I want you to think about this in relationships as well. So many women out there are like, I got to work on myself, I got to do me all this other stuff before they get into a relationship or before they even step onto the dating scene. You can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time. Through good awareness, coaching, therapeutic intervention, perfectionists can successfully learn to shed their rigid thought processes in favor of relationships that are built upon communication, trust, love and support for one another. So I want us to get rid of the fact that our Mr. Right should be anything and accept that our Mr. Right is whatever he is. I want to make sure that you're thinking that your Mr. Right is not a trophy, but that he is your friend and your partner. I want you to be thinking about Mr. Right as not perfect, but excellent and optimal. I want you to be thinking about Mr. Right in terms of not that you have to find him, that he's already ready made, but that he's created together. With that said, my love, be well and I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Talk soon.